All language subtitles for Archer_S11E01_The Orpheus Gambit.en.closedcaptions

[dice clattering]

[phone ringing]

[gunfire]

[Judas Priest's "You've Got
Another Thing Comin'" playing]

♪ One life
I'm gonna live it up ♪

-[engine revving]
-[tires screech]

♪ I'm taking flight
I said I'll never get enough ♪

♪ Stand tall
I'm young and kinda proud ♪

♪ I'm on the top
As long as the music's loud ♪

♪ If you think I'll sit around
As the world goes by ♪

-[phone ringing]
-♪ You're thinking Like a fool ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a case
Of do or die ♪

♪ Out there is a fortune
Waiting to be had ♪

[grunts]

♪ If you think I'll let it go
You're mad ♪

[grunts]

♪ You've got
Another thing comin' ♪

♪ You've got
Another thing comin' ♪

-♪ That's right ♪
-[gun clicks]

♪ Here's where
The talking ends ♪

[tires screech]

-♪ Well, listen, this night ♪
-[horn honks]

♪ There'll be
Some action spent ♪

♪ Drive hard
I'm calling all the shots ♪

♪ I got an ace card
Coming down on the rocks ♪

♪ If you think I'll sit around
While you chip away my brain ♪

Thar she blows,
you Moby dicks! [grunts]

♪ Fortune waiting to be had ♪

[men yelling]

♪ You've got
Another thing comin' ♪

[laughing]

♪ You've got
Another thing comin' ♪

♪ You've got
Another thing... ♪

-[cell phone ringing]
-Ah, what is it now?

We're only trying to steal back
a priceless artifact

that, by the way, belongs in a--

Holy shit.

He woke up.

-What?
-[music blasting]

Archer's awake?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God is right.

If you thought that rocked,
wait till you hear this.

-[phone ringing]
-Woodhouse. [groans]

Woodhouse. [coughs]

Woodhouse! Oh.

-[phone continues ringing]
-Never mind. You're dead.

Which is just so selfish!

[groans] God, we get it, phone. You ring.

What now?

Sterling, I expect to see you
at work today.

I was thinking I'd just do
what I did yesterday.

You know, stare into the void.

The void stares into me.

Mostly void stuff.

[Malory] No more stalling!

I didn't raise a shrinking violet

that wilts at the slightest--

Three-year coma, Mother.

Sure, Coach. I'll rub some dirt
on my nerve damage.

Speaking of, a new valet is coming
at 9:00 to see if he can do anything

about that bacteria
breeding facility you call a home.

-I don't know.
-Sterling, dear,

I'm only doing this because you are

totally incapable
of taking care of yourself

and always have been.

That's very sweet, Mother.

I promise I'll give him a fair shake.

-[phone beeps]
-[knock at door]

Good morning, sir. I'm your new--

It's 9:02!

Oh, Woodhouse,

what I wouldn't give to force-feed you

aquarium gravel one last time.

The turquoise. You hated that.

[elevator bell dings]

All right, let's not make
a big deal out of... this.

Thank you for so swiftly
honoring my request.

Oh, a wave.

An entirely appropriate response
to my heroism.

Welcome back, sir.

Oh, that's it?

I was expecting some kind
of batshit crazy add-on.

I don't know what you mean. [chuckles]

Here's your briefing book,
new staff handbook and drink.

Thank you. Um, just out of curiosity,

when did you get your shit together?

Oh, I don't know.
Probably around coma o'clock.

[stammering] Wait, what?

[chuckles] That's just an inside joke

we had about your coma.

Guess you had to be there

and not in a coma.

[Malory] Well, you made it.

Two hours late, but you're here.

I'm supposed to be here at a time?

We've got a mission tonight,
and I want you on it.

A mission? So we're really spies again?

Mm-hmm.

A quasi-independent, freelance
international spy organization.

-Don't worry about it.
-Kinda feel like I should.

Then still don't.

So now that we're all here--

Whoa, wait. What about Lana?

She's doing... advance scouting.

I've hardly seen her. It'd almost
seem like she's ducking me.

[overlapping mumbles]

Oh, stop it with the portentous mumbles.

We had a whole talk about that.

The point is, our cover story is that

we're providing security at a museum gala,

but our true mission
is a bit more interesting. Cyril?

-Our true purpose is to...
-Why is Cyril talking?

Wh-- What is it, Best Agent in the
World Gets to Talk Day

and Opposite Day simultaneously? Uh-huh.

-We don't do that anymore, Archer.
-[fabric rips]

Ugh. Jeezy Petes. That keeps happening.

Dangers of increased muscle mass, I guess.

Hey, steroids aren't the answer,

no matter how inadequate you feel
and, in fact, are.

The only thing I'm injecting myself with

is hard work, using the syringe of...

Nope, lost it.

Anyhoo...

Our target is Peregrine,

the world's foremost art thief.

He's going to try to steal
this statue of weeping Orpheus.

We nabbed it from one of his
warehouses to use as bait.

Our objective: apprehend Peregrine
and pass him to INTERPOL.

Man, you guys are lost without me.
He's gonna know that's a ruse.

Which is exactly why he'll come.

Our psych profile shows
a pathological need

-to demonstrate superiority.
-Sound familiar?

He'll show up to try to outsmart us.

Nice briefing. Super concise.

What, you guys are friends now?

Well, I'm spent.

What better way to celebrate my return

than me escorting all of you
to Chez Trop Cher,

where I'll generously
allow you to buy me brunch.

-Brunch.
-No, thank you.

Can you take it somewhere else?

New, better Cheryl's trying
to get work done.

You used to be fun.

Your legs used to work.

We've been targeting Peregrine for months.

This is a huge deal for us.

Huge deal like your buddy
just got out of a coma,

or like art theft, which is
basically a victimless crime?

-Um...
-We've, uh-- We've got stuff to do.

Come on, man.
We'll hang out soon, I swear.

but until then, maybe
chill your balls out just a skosh.

Oh, my balls are frosty, okay?

But if you're all too busy and/or
stupid to go with me to brunch,

I'll be in my office
when you're ready to apologize.

Not sure if this
takes the sting out of it,

but you don't actually
have an office anymore.

Oh, so, I'm supposed to hang out where?

In the break room, alone, like a pervert,

wallowing in a miasma
of microwaved fish curry

and its subsequent farts.

Sometimes you buy too much salmon.

[scoffs] What, to attract bears?

-Did you get that double meaning?
-Yeah, subtle.

Anyway, since my time on Earth
is finite, Krieger wants to see you.

Great, the only person
with time to hang out

is wanted for ethical violations
in nine countries.

-It's up to ten now.
-[sighs]

Speaking of crimes against humanity,

how do you fit anything in the fridge

with Cyril's proteins anyway?

It's like the last helicopter
out of Saigon,

but shakes.

So...

The recently de-comafied brain

is a complete mystery to science,

like dark matter

or why squirrels get so enraged
when they see me naked.

Uh-huh, nodding, no need to explore.

So, what I want you to do is
remember all of your coma dreams.

Put them in your mind.

Now... speak.

-[beeping]
-There's so much.

First, I was a private detective in a--

-[computer beeps]
-That's enough.

Really? There's kind of a lot.

Yep, just needed enough
to calibrate your brain waves.

Though if you're looking
to plumb your psyche

with morally questionable,
Flatliners -style experimentation,

I'm down to clown.

Tempting, but no,
especially because for you,

the clown in question
is probably John Wayne Gacy.

-[beeps]
-Exactly.

Yeah, I already have one of those
in my hand currently.

Not like this.

I used your scan to calibrate

your new Brain-Wave Sensitive
Tactical Mobility Device

or, for short, BWSTMD.

You should probably start
working backwards on those.

Let's just call it the Tactil-Cane.

Hey, that feels pretty good.

It anticipates your moves
and enhances them,

working with your nervous system
to rebalance you,

plus infrared telescope, garrote
and a sleeping gas canister.

This! This is the moment
it all turns around.

My inevitable rise to my
rightful place at the top of the--

Ugh-- [moans]

Oh, yeah, don't hold it like that.

[classical music playing]

[Malory] All our intelligence suggests

that Peregrine will strike tonight.

-Cyril?
-Thank you, Malory.

This guy's silk and stealth
on the entrance,

bullets and balaclavas on the exit.

He will shoot his way out if he has to.

We have one advantage:

he doesn't know
we know what he looks like.

Whoa. Sploosh, right?

-Oh!
-Yeah, we don't do that anymore.

You don't what, sploosh?

[stammering] You have to sploosh.

You all sploosh. Everybody splooshes!

I do not sploosh.

Well, thank you, Detective Dick Droop.

Anything else you wanna ruin for us?

Oh, a great many things.

This is Agent Bruchstein,
INTERPOL liaison,

just in from Belgium.

So, she's here to wander around

and screw things up as much as possible?

I supplied you with the photo.

Let's just coast on that
for the rest of your life.

Spread out. Eyes open.

Krieger is on comms.

I thought we just needed audio.

-Oh, yeah.
-[button clicks]

Aw, you didn't bring the fun stuff.

Archer, I need you to stay here,
close to the statue.

You'll have the element of surprise.

Shut up. There's Lana.

I suppose you'll tell me
he's not usually like that.

-He's always like that.
-That's him.

[classical music continues]

[Archer] Lana.

Hi. I-- Wow.

Sorry, it's always a shock
that you look like that.

Archer, it's, uh-- it's good
to have you back on mission.

Yes. I mean, no, not yet.

Uh, look, I know you've been ducking me.

I need to tell you before you bail again.

Oh, coming in hot. [chuckles]

Whatever this is,
it's probably not a good time.

No, this can't wait.

Lana, I lived several lifetimes

while I was in that coma,

in a bunch of different genres, I guess.

Everything was changing.

I couldn't get a handle on who I was

or what it all meant,

but the one constant was you.

Needing you is apparently
the deepest part of me.

Uh, I guess I don't know
what I'm proposing, except...

Uh, if you could excuse us,

I'm in the middle of a heartfelt,
life-changing speech.

To my beautiful wife.

[laughs] Yes, I get it.

Hello, Sterling. I'm Robert.

[stammering] Bald!

[laughs] We can talk more
about how and why I'm bald later.

I know this is all a shock,
but the feelings here are real,

and I honor them.

And we understand and love you.

You do not get to love me!

That is a hostile act!

What is the how of that?

Maybe the portentous mumbles
should've tipped me off

that something was coming.

That is what portentous means.

So, how long into my coma was it

before you bravely pushed aside your grief

and married that human catheter ad?

-Eight months.
-Eight months?

When did you meet him?

Um, at your hospital.

He was doing a fundraiser
for kids with cancer.

Oldest trick in the book.

-What book?
-All the books, Lana!

Okay, one, we weren't together, and two,

there doesn't need to be a two!

[sighs] This is gonna take time, Archer.

There's a lot you missed.

I'm sorry. I get it.

I just need to know one thing.

What does his skin feel like,
papery or more mushy?

[sighs]

Is it scaly like a Sleestak?

[chattering]

[sighs] Quite a crowd here.

They really packed them in,

like protein shakes in a fridge.

-What was that?
-I was agreeing.

If you have something to say--

You're a fridge hog!

Doesn't that feel better
than being passive-aggressive?

I-- I guess.

-I--
-Extremely passive-aggressive.

So, what do you think?

It kinda looks like that thing where
you've been away for a long time,

and when you come back,
no one really cares.

People have moved on. You're all alone.

Nobody understands you.

Or maybe it's just a lady with big cans.

Oh, I don't know.
Her cans aren't that big.

-[laughs]
-And now this.

Sterling, I think it's important

to look at these cans

in context of their era.

So, what are you,
some crazy, rich millionaire?

Millionaire? [laughs] Oh, God, no, no, no.

I hit billionaire at 25.

This is actually my wing of the museum,

but that's not what this is about.

I find that hard to believe.

I know you don't want to hear this now,

but the fact that you think
me and Lana are impossible

is what makes you and Lana impossible.

-Wow.
-Yeah, hits pretty hard.

No, I've just never met
a bald fortune cookie before.

Okay, I'll give you some time.

Who's bald? [laughs] Whoa, oh.

Krieger, what's going on
with the Tactil-Cane?

[Krieger] Jesus, your brain waves
are all over the place.

-There a problem?
-Yes.

I was just condescended to
by an elderly geek,

and Lana was apparently
using my coma bed as a singles bar.

[Krieger] Technically, it was
the hallway outside your coma bed.

How's that better?

Ten feet more respectful?

Uh, new, better Cheryl here.
Can we all just admit

that seeing someone in a coma
is intensely erotic?

[Archer] No.

It was so easy to remember the good stuff

when he didn't interrupt it
with his mouth and his face

and his general being.

Oh, well, I'm sorry

for practicing a little self-care.

Like the time I caught you
practicing self-care in your office.

You know I wage a constant
battle against my impulses.

Well, thank you, Onan the Barbarian.

You got Bible burned.

What in God's name is going on?

I see sloppy positioning, uncovered zones,

and that dress isn't doing
your hips any favors.

My hips didn't produce a human
disruption on the scale of an ice age.

[stammers] Whoa, wait a second.

I've had my shakes
in the fridge for months.

-Why'd you suddenly get annoyed?
-Dukes!

Archer just made some comment about it.

It's like he doesn't even
have to try to cause problems.

We had a great team dynamic going
before he came back.

Let's just roll it back
to coma o'clock and-- Oh, my God.

Wait. Was everyone really
happier without me?

-No.
-Is anybody really happy?

It's not that we were happier without you.

It's just we became happier
when you weren't arou--

Oh, crap. That's the same thing.

[cane tapping]

I would like four of your most
stupidly expensive whiskeys.

Sorry, sir. One drink per patron.

And we only have beer and wine.

Beer and wine? What am I, 12?

I'll deal with you
when you become sensible.

-That'll be never, pal.
-[bartender] Next.

[sighs]

Oh, Woodhouse, what happened to us?

Oh, shit. You're talking to rocks now?

No, silly.

I was just looking for a real drink.

You shining liquor angel.

-[gulps]
-See? Told you we'd catch up later.

I missed the shit out of you.

That makes exactly one of you.
What’s with everybody?

It's been three years, numbnuts.

We had a whole thing going without you.

Can't you just make an effort
to fit yourself in?

Boom, phrasing, which we probably
don't even say anymore.

Look, I-- I'll try and fit in,

but what's with Lana and Methuselah?

[Pam] I've never seen her happier,

and honestly,
you two have a lot in common.

-How do you figure?
-Now you both have

a lifelong relationship with a "Kane."

-Ah-cha-cha!
-Oh, right.

Lana Ka-- Yeah. That's pretty solid.

Well, look who stopped being such a bitch.

[cane tapping]

All right, everyone.
I'm sorry I've been a distraction,

and while it pains me to say it,
I will cede ground to you guys, for now,

and I will accept a...

[gulps] I will accept a...

...support role.

You know, Archer, like Orpheus,

you too have visited the land of the dead.

Jesus, if I needed
someone to murder subtext,

I'd dig up Ayn Rand
and stick a pen in her hand.

Well, this is all quite inspiring,

but it might have been more useful

if the statue weren't already gone!

[chattering]

Yes, keep staring. It might reappear.

Seal off the exits! Find him!

And, uh, I support you enthusiastically,
for that is who I am.

Ugh! The incompetence!

I assure you, Agent Bruchstein,

nothing like this
has ever happened before.

Or will again.

INTERPOL had its doubts,
and I spoke up for you!

Well, if you can get fired
over this, I'm sure we can--

[laughs] Fired? Oh, no, no, no.

Europe's labor laws
are much too strong for that.

-Reprimanded?
-Not with my union.

I have to check in with headquarters.

Huh. And I thought we beat the communists.

I need a drink.

Krieger, you've been
monitoring my brain waves

and location through
the Tactil-Cane, right?

Yes, but not in a creepy way.

[Archer] Everything you do

is by definition in a creepy way.

Hey, uncalled for! Also fair.

If I look at that photo, can you check

if there were places I saw Peregrine,

even if I didn't consciously register it?

-Scanning for similar optic patterns.
-[computer beeping]

-You saw him 16 times.
-God damn it.

[Krieger] Huh. You never
saw him near the statue.

So that would only make sense
if that's not the right photo.

And after a double knee replacement,

I finally got back to the squash cour--

[all gasp]

-[Lana] We got him!
-[gun cocks]

Uh, honey, bit of bad news here.

That's actually the museum director.

[straining] I'm quite well-known.

-[grunts]
-Nighty night, Peregrine.

-No, stop it!
-[clicking]

Huh, really wish I hadn't wasted

that sleeping gas on myself now.

-[grunts]
-Ow!

-[grunts]
-Ow!

Krieger, Bruchstein is Peregrine.

In pursuit down the south corridor.

And great thinking putting only

one gas charge in the Tactil-Cane.

I didn't know you were gonna
shoot yourself in the face.

[Archer] Always assume that!

[gunshots]

Oh, crap.

Evil bartender.

No wonder he sucked.

-[guns cocking]
-Give it up, Peregrine.

You were supposed to find
the decoy earlier to create the diversion,

but you were too incompetent
to do even that, amateurs!

And that is our strength,
you waffle-faced--

You're actually Belgian, right?

Yes! But I was raised in the States.

You lambic-gargling Limburger dick cheese.

Those are silly stereotypes.

So, are you guys Flemish or Walloon?

That would help my specificity.

-We gotta get closer.
-Here's what we do.

Archer, Cyril is tactical lead.

I concede a plan
that comes out of your mouth

has at least a theoretical possibility
of not getting us killed.

Thanks. I'm sure it took a lot
to almost not insult me.

I know. I mean, look at you.

Great. Ray and I will flank,
set up an enfilade.

Lana and Pam on a delayed spearpoint.

-Archer, you...
-Don't say it.

...provide suppressing fire.

And there it is.

In three, two, one.

Suppressing fire!

Wait. Why do they have gas masks?

-[glass shatters]
-[gas hissing]

[engines rev]

[all coughing]

[all continue coughing]

Go get 'em, Woodhouse. [grunts]

[tire screeching]

-[glass shatters]
-[groans]

[coughing]

God, that smells worse
than the break room salmon!

-[man groans]
-Cyril, grab them.

Or are you screwing
with office fridge space for nothing?

[tires screeching]

[engine revving]

Jeezy Petes!

[laughs] Gravel got him.

Archer!

[bartender yelps, groans]

I wanted whiskey.

I literally did not have any, you asshole!

Then why am I still angry?

-[tires screech]
-[engine revving]

[gun clicks]

God damn it.

[grunts]

[Bruchstein] No! [grunts]

-[both groan]
-[laughs]

And they say art's use-- Wah!

You did good, kid.

-Lana?
-Wait.

-Go to her.
-Uh-huh, I was.

No, go to her because of my nobility.

-[thuds]
-Ugh.

Gravity, you utter bitch.

Welcome back.

Took you long enough.