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1
00:00:03,211 --> 00:00:05,130
[Ray] All right, let's get this over with.
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00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:09,592
[clears throat] This proceeding
and any sentences arising therefrom
3
00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:10,802
shall be conducted under
4
00:00:10,885 --> 00:00:13,179
the Federation Judicial Code,
Article Nine,
5
00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:17,267
in re-attempted murder and mutiny,
both capital offenses.
6
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:20,687
Now, I know you've all been sworn,
and I have read your complaints.
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I have a question.
8
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,773
Is it, "What's the best way
to interrupt a judge?"
9
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:24,858
-[laughs] No.
-Then--
10
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:26,609
It's, "Why does a spaceship
11
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:29,529
have an enormous
dedicated courtroom in it?"
12
00:00:29,612 --> 00:00:30,864
Yeah, right?
13
00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:32,449
I don't know! I didn't build it.
14
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:33,616
Well, it's ridiculous.
15
00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:36,786
I basically sleep in a coffin,
and this could have been...
16
00:00:37,495 --> 00:00:39,080
two and a half squash courts.
17
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,207
Ooh, or a holodeck.
18
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,001
We have a holodeck.
19
00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:44,836
-Yeah, but we never use it.
-Can we please--
20
00:00:44,919 --> 00:00:49,299
Oh, so hey, why not just have
the holodeck turn into a courtroom?
21
00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:51,509
Ooh, or two and a half squash courts.
22
00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:56,431
Order! Order, or I will hold you all
in a different kind of contempt. [grunts]
23
00:00:56,514 --> 00:01:00,685
Now, then, Mr. Figgis,
are the people ready to proceed?
24
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:04,856
[laughs] Oh, yeah. [laughs]
25
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,608
Uh...
26
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:08,568
[clears throat]
27
00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:10,862
Oh, uh, sorry. Yes, Your Honor, the, uh--
28
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[clears throat]
29
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-What is--
-[Ray clears throat]
30
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Oh, come on, seriously?
31
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[sighs] Yes, Your Honor.
The people are ready to proceed.
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That's what I thought.
And is the defendant ready to proceed?
33
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:27,921
No, the defendant is not
because there is no defendant
34
00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:31,174
because this whole thing
is a sham and a farce,
35
00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:34,052
and I don't recognize
this kangaroo court's authority
36
00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:36,805
because it's presided over
by a male prostitute.
37
00:01:36,888 --> 00:01:38,807
-Courtesan!
-Pobobot!
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00:01:39,557 --> 00:01:44,562
And by God, you will recognize it
because prior to my current circumstances,
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00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:48,233
for 16 years,
I was a Federation High Court Justice.
40
00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:50,527
-I have a question.
-Woman, I swear to God.
41
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:54,322
How'd you go from being a Federation judge
to, like, blowing space truckers?
42
00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:56,032
Well, missy.
43
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[chuckling] That is a...
44
00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:00,453
Oh, that is a long, crazy story.
45
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[clears throat]
But it is entirely non-germane
46
00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:05,375
to the solemn proceeding
before this bench.
47
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,002
And so, Mr. Archer,
48
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:10,797
having reminded you
that the man who represents himself
49
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,132
has a fool for a client--
50
00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:14,801
[laughs] I'm not representing myself.
51
00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:16,094
Well, then who is?
52
00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:19,264
[laughs] Oh, just TV's Michael Gray.
53
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:24,144
Who, for reasons known but to God,
is wearing seersucker.
54
00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:26,646
So if you wanna go ahead
and do that motion to dismiss,
55
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,773
now would, uh, maybe be a good time.
56
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,818
Oh, and also, we wish to countersue.
57
00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:33,153
-I'm not typing that.
-What?
58
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:34,279
[Ray] I'm gonna allow it.
59
00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:37,782
For injuries and damages from you assholes
attempting to murder me
60
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:40,368
so Lana could steal half of the ship.
61
00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:42,829
Well, when TV's Michael Gray
is done with you,
62
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:45,123
I'm gonna own your half.
63
00:02:45,206 --> 00:02:47,667
So, hey,
I don't think this is going as well
64
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,085
as you think it's going.
65
00:02:51,629 --> 00:02:53,423
You goddamn crook.
66
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,302
[theme music playing]
67
00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:34,130
[Archer and Lana grunting]
68
00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:40,929
Jesus, okay. I think that's enough.
69
00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:43,264
I don't wish to cause the witness
any further distress.
70
00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:44,349
I'm fine, Your Honor.
71
00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:46,267
-What about my magazine?
-Will you--
72
00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:48,603
There's lots more video, Your Honor.
73
00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:51,606
Like the part when Pam smashed me
in the head with a fire extinguisher.
74
00:03:51,689 --> 00:03:55,193
[laughing] Yeah! Play that. Ka-klunk.
75
00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:58,863
Do the people have any further questions
for this witness?
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00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:00,114
Not at this time, Your Honor.
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Then your witness.
78
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,202
Well? Uh, what are you waiting for?
79
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:09,040
Get up there and cross-examine her.
What are you, hourly?
80
00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:11,626
I think I would be, if I was a lawyer.
81
00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:14,087
-Damn it.
-Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.
82
00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:15,630
Something is wrong with your brain.
83
00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:18,424
You need to plead not guilty
by reason of insanity.
84
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:22,303
Beg them for mercy
and realize you're hallucinating me.
85
00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:25,807
I'll see you disbarred for this.
86
00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,392
Great, look forward to it.
87
00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:30,812
Point of procedure.
I, uh, no longer wish to be represented
88
00:04:30,895 --> 00:04:32,438
by TV's Michael Gray.
89
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:36,693
All righty. Are the people okay with him
not having an imaginary lawyer?
90
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:38,278
[chuckling] They're great with it.
91
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:39,612
Then your witness.
92
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:43,366
Thank you. Now, then, Miss Kane, is it?
93
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:46,286
-[static crackling]
-Yup.
94
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:47,620
[sighs] Um...
95
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,706
Damn, I had something for this.
96
00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:51,124
-Did ya?
-[Archer] Actually,
97
00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:57,630
can we maybe call her back at a, uh,
time later than, um, later than now?
98
00:04:57,714 --> 00:05:00,216
You're just a regular Clarence Darrow.
99
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:04,304
[sighs] You may step down. Thank you.
Call your next witness.
100
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:08,891
Your Honor, the people call
the defendant's mother, Malory Archer.
101
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:11,185
Boo.
102
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:15,648
-Come on, are we not doing that?
-[door hisses]
103
00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:19,235
Ooh.
104
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,321
Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?
105
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:22,864
Sit down, sir!
106
00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:25,825
Are you-- She's dressed
exactly like Marlene Dietrich
107
00:05:25,908 --> 00:05:27,493
in Witness for the Prosecution,
108
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:30,663
right down to the hair
and the rakish little beret.
109
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,040
[chuckles] Are you seeing this?
110
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:33,875
-Are you?
-What...
111
00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:35,585
-[static crackling]
-How the--
112
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:37,462
Objection. I object.
113
00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:40,214
-To what?
-I will ask the question!
114
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:41,924
[clears throat]
It's actually the same question.
115
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I don't know. Everything!
116
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,511
Oh, then I guess we can all go home.
117
00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:46,763
-[static crackling]
-Can we?
118
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:47,847
What the hell is happening?
119
00:05:47,930 --> 00:05:49,015
Don't look at me.
120
00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:51,100
Goddamn it, TV's Michael Gray.
121
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,102
-Uh, Your Honor--
-Wait, wait, shut up.
122
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,187
You shut up!
123
00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:56,522
Order! You're out of order!
124
00:05:56,606 --> 00:06:01,486
You're out of order! You're out of order!
This whole trial is out of order!
125
00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:03,279
-[muffled alarm]
-They're out of order!
126
00:06:03,362 --> 00:06:04,947
Everybody shut up!
127
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:08,451
And you bang that thing one more time,
I'll break it off inside you.
128
00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:09,535
[coughing] Legit phrasing.
129
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:12,038
-Shh! Listen.
-[female voice] Proximity alert.
130
00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:13,122
-What's going on?
-What alert?
131
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,707
Why the hell is there a proximity--
132
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,292
-[rumbling]
-[all] Whoa!
133
00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:17,877
-Ow!
-[female voice] Collision.
134
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,796
How the-- Who's on the bridge?
135
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:24,342
Nobody, because we're all down here
at this goddamn kangaroo railroad.
136
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:29,097
-What?
-The--the--the--the--the-- Choo-choo!
137
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:31,516
Krieger! Why aren't you up there?
138
00:06:31,599 --> 00:06:32,600
Well, then who would do this?
139
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:36,020
Holy shit, dude, that's really good.
140
00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:37,230
You don't think it's derivative?
141
00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:39,273
No, 'cause I don't know what that is.
142
00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:41,442
-[sighs] It's when--
-Krieger! Status report!
143
00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,611
[groans]
144
00:06:43,694 --> 00:06:45,071
Right?
145
00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:49,408
Okay, uh, we've got moderate hull damage
to starboard amidships, um--
146
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,619
-From what?
-I don't know. Jesus.
147
00:06:51,702 --> 00:06:53,788
Turn that thing to the exterior cameras.
148
00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:54,872
Oh, right.
149
00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:57,792
-[monitor chimes]
-[all gasp]
150
00:06:57,875 --> 00:07:00,044
-[Malory] Oh, my God.
-[Archer] A Dri'n attack barge.
151
00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:01,754
Which means...
152
00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:04,006
boarding party.
153
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,217
And there ain't no party
like a boarding party
154
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:09,387
'cause a boarding party don't stop.
[laughs]
155
00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:14,517
Well, until these monstrous bastards
have slaked their thirst for blood.
156
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:17,979
And let me tell you,
these little devils are just parched.
157
00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:19,939
-[snarling]
-[all shout]
158
00:07:20,022 --> 00:07:22,608
I know, right? Barry-6, out.
159
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,236
What do we do? What do we do?
160
00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:28,948
Well, the first thing we've gotta do,
and I'm sure we can all agree on this,
161
00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:31,159
is declare a mistrial.
162
00:07:38,749 --> 00:07:40,793
Come on, man. What's taking so long?
163
00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:42,503
[speaking Dri'n]
164
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,088
-"Space metal"?
-[grunts]
165
00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:46,257
Think about how dumb that sounds.
166
00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:48,885
Now, come on,
let's peel this banana and...
167
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,261
[grunts] ...take a bite.
168
00:07:50,344 --> 00:07:52,972
I mean, before they all get away
in an escape pod, of course.
169
00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:54,682
-[Lana] Cyril!
-[Cyril] Lana...
170
00:07:54,765 --> 00:07:57,018
-You are not... abandoning ship.
-I'm serious.
171
00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:58,769
Do not make me hit you.
172
00:07:58,853 --> 00:07:59,854
Excuse me?
173
00:07:59,937 --> 00:08:01,689
No, I-- I didn't mean that.
174
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:02,857
[groans]
175
00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:03,941
-Whoa!
-Ow!
176
00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:05,276
[laughs] Serves you right.
177
00:08:05,359 --> 00:08:07,236
Trying to cut the line like that.
178
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,865
What... No one is abandoning ship.
We're gonna stay here and fight.
179
00:08:10,948 --> 00:08:12,617
-[overlapping chatter]
-I really don't think we should.
180
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:14,577
[laughs] Yeah, good luck with that.
181
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:17,663
-Meaning?
-Meaning those freaks are literally gonna
182
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:18,956
chew you up and spit you out.
183
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,917
-Well--
-Or not spit you out.
184
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,752
I don't know about
pirate dining etiquette,
185
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:24,629
but definitely the chewing up part.
186
00:08:24,712 --> 00:08:26,339
-[static crackling]
-Well, nobody asked you,
187
00:08:26,422 --> 00:08:28,883
since last I checked,
you're a goddamn mutineer.
188
00:08:28,966 --> 00:08:31,469
Well, the last I checked,
and I'm not being facetious,
189
00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:33,137
-nice sweater dress.
-What?
190
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,472
-Sweater dress?
-What?
191
00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:36,432
So you think maybe you are crazy?
192
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,727
[laughs] I'm crazy?
193
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:41,312
-I mean...
-She's crazy
194
00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:43,564
if she thinks
she can fight off an entire barge
195
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,900
full of murderous Dri'n pirates
without me.
196
00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:47,276
Uh, first of all--
197
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,945
-[alarm blaring]
-[female voice] Hull breach.
198
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:50,738
-Oh, no.
-Oh, that's no good.
199
00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,281
Talk about crazy, huh?
200
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:57,370
Whoo! Now, that's what I call a nice gash.
201
00:08:57,453 --> 00:08:59,455
[laughing, snarling]
202
00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:02,583
No, we're not doing space phrasing.
203
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:05,253
-[snarls]
-Uh, because it's derivative.
204
00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:08,172
-And also because I said so.
-[female voice] Hull breach.
205
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:09,549
I'm the only chance you've got.
206
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:10,841
[Malory] He's right, you know.
207
00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,468
Yeah, you gotta let him go.
208
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,387
That, or let us in that damn pod!
209
00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:15,888
-I vote pod.
-Cyril!
210
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:20,101
And, I'm sorry, have we all forgotten
he basically sexually assaulted me
211
00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:21,602
with a rolled-up magazine?
212
00:09:21,686 --> 00:09:22,853
-No.
-That's evidence.
213
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:23,938
You're evidence!
214
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:25,898
And there was nothing sexual about it.
215
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:29,402
I don't know.
I thought it was pretty sexy.
216
00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:31,237
[alarm continues blaring]
217
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,990
On Opposite Day. Gross, you guys!
218
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:35,074
Goddamn.
219
00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:39,620
Lana, I'm sorry I attacked you.
I honestly don't know what got into me.
220
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:43,082
And when this is over,
you can punish me however you see fit.
221
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:44,542
It's "howmever."
222
00:09:44,625 --> 00:09:48,129
Shut up! But this calls for some
serious swashbuckling,
223
00:09:48,212 --> 00:09:51,549
and no one else
can buckle swashes like me, so--
224
00:09:51,632 --> 00:09:53,259
[female voice] Xenomorphs detected.
225
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:54,802
-What do we do now?
-Oh, no!
226
00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:56,512
-Your call.
-[female voice] Xenomorphs detected.
227
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,806
[groans]
228
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:02,059
[laughs]
229
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,145
[all growling]
230
00:10:05,062 --> 00:10:06,314
[laughs]
231
00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,232
[female voice] Xenomorphs detected.
232
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,734
You're damn right they are.
233
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:14,989
Get some! Yeah. Be a hitter, big 'un.
And have fun out there.
234
00:10:15,072 --> 00:10:20,411
Oh, hey, and, uh, if anyone finds Archer,
remember, he's all mine.
235
00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:24,540
Okay, so Mother... Here you go--
...is gonna lure them into the holodeck.
236
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:27,126
-Why?
-Well, for one thing, because shut up.
237
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:30,171
But remember... Here you go--
...if we have to fall back,
238
00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:32,590
and we can probably go ahead and make that
239
00:10:32,673 --> 00:10:35,426
when we fall back...
Here, take some of these--
240
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:38,888
...fall back to the escape pod.
The pod is the Alamo.
241
00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:42,183
If we're just gonna go back there,
why'd we leave in the first place?
242
00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:44,560
Because the goal
isn't to run away so fast,
243
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,895
it makes your vagina flap.
244
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:47,396
Plus, all the guns are in here.
245
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,481
[Krieger] Not all of them.
246
00:10:48,564 --> 00:10:50,066
You got the sentry guns online?
247
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:51,359
Yep, yep, yep.
248
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,527
Okay. Here we go.
249
00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:55,071
[beeping]
250
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,365
[beeping]
251
00:10:57,448 --> 00:10:59,033
A and B guns firing.
252
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,285
Wait, wait, wait. At what?
253
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,370
What?
254
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:07,124
-Eighty, 60--
-What the shit, Krieger?
255
00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:09,043
-[Krieger] Forty.
-[beeping]
256
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:11,212
That's it.
257
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,173
Then what was the point?
258
00:11:14,256 --> 00:11:15,716
Mm-mm-mm. Director's cut?
259
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:16,926
-Ugh.
-Right?
260
00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:20,930
Wait, what? Uh, did they even hit anybody?
261
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,306
-[grunts]
-[laughs]
262
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,683
So then just totally pointless.
263
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,685
[snarling]
264
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:30,272
[laughs]
Unless you lean on them, you big dummy.
265
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:32,525
-Okay, Mother--
-[Barry-6] Archer!
266
00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:35,152
-That's your cue.
-And just how exactly
267
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:36,862
am I supposed to lure those creeps
268
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:39,782
to the holodeck without
getting myself killed?
269
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:44,662
[gasps] Oh, right, right,
right, right, right. Duh.
270
00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:46,872
Toodles.
271
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:47,957
The rest of you, follow me.
272
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:51,127
Move, Cyril. I want to hear it flap.
273
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:52,211
[sighs]
274
00:11:52,294 --> 00:11:57,133
Come on, Archer. You can run, but--
Well, I guess you can hide, obviously.
275
00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:59,385
But stop doing it is what I'm saying.
276
00:11:59,468 --> 00:12:01,011
-[Malory] Yoo-hoo!
-Huh?
277
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:03,639
[Malory] Who's up for some
bopping and booping?
278
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,433
I'll bop your boop, you little--
279
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:08,310
-[snarls]
-Why would it be a ruse?
280
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:09,937
Come on, you mother humpers.
281
00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:12,231
[all growling]
282
00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:15,067
[Cyril] Jeezy Petes, you really are crazy!
283
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,403
We're sitting ducks. There's no cover.
284
00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:20,030
Jesus Christ,
do you nerds really never come down here?
285
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,365
[whirring]
286
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,159
-Oh.
-This is incredible.
287
00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:26,912
I know, right? Plus, upstairs,
there's a bunch of hologram whores
288
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,999
giving out old-timey 50-cent blow jobs.
289
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:32,084
Wait, what makes them old-timey?
290
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:33,669
Uh, they're 50 cents?
291
00:12:33,752 --> 00:12:36,005
[ragtime piano music playing]
292
00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:38,007
Oh, Mikey Mike!
293
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:47,766
[Malory] Whoa!
294
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:54,315
Is now the best time for that?
295
00:12:54,398 --> 00:12:56,484
A lot better than it's about to be.
296
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:57,693
How many are there?
297
00:12:58,444 --> 00:12:59,445
Scores.
298
00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:01,280
[sighs] Like, literally scores or--
299
00:13:01,363 --> 00:13:02,364
[Cyril whimpering]
300
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,033
Cyril, get your shit together.
301
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:06,327
Now, listen, you gotta let 'em
come into our killing zone.
302
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:08,537
Don't just start blasting away
the second you--
303
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:09,622
-[door squeaks]
-[all gasp]
304
00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:13,042
Suppressing fire!
305
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:18,964
[shouting and laughing]
306
00:13:20,716 --> 00:13:24,303
Whoo! [laughing]
307
00:13:25,554 --> 00:13:27,723
[groaning]
308
00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:31,644
-Goddamn, dude.
-[Lana] Seriously.
309
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:33,687
-You shot all my guys.
-[Cyril giggles]
310
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:35,564
Oh, for-- Way to go, Cyril.
311
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:38,025
-What?
-"What?" I'm supposed to be the hero.
312
00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:39,401
-Doing what?
-Seriously, Archer?
313
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:40,611
-Wow.
-Well?
314
00:13:40,694 --> 00:13:41,946
-[static crackling]
-[laughs]
315
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:43,781
That is pathetic.
316
00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:45,824
-So are sweater vests.
-[static crackling]
317
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:47,368
-Huh?
-What's a sweater vest?
318
00:13:47,451 --> 00:13:49,828
Hey, asshole,
you really wanna be the hero?
319
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,038
[chuckling] I mean...
320
00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,040
Then let's just you and me play.
321
00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:54,625
-[clicks]
-[female voice] Danger.
322
00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:57,711
The self-destruct system is now activated.
323
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,713
-[all gasp]
-Why do we even have that?
324
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:00,965
What? How?
325
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:02,633
Because the password was...
326
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:03,717
-"guest."
-Told you.
327
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:06,637
[female voice] Detonation in two minutes.
328
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:07,888
[overlapping chatter]
329
00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:09,890
Two? No. I thought I set it for 20.
330
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,184
-Krieger, can you override it?
-Um...
331
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,061
[female voice] Krieger cannot override it.
332
00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:16,188
-No.
-What do we do? What do we do?
333
00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:18,524
Well, if you hustle,
I bet you can just make it to the...
334
00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:20,609
[screaming]
335
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:24,363
...escape pod.
336
00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:26,365
-Come on, everybody. Move it.
-Let's go.
337
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:28,242
All except you, Archer.
338
00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:31,704
-[static crackling]
-They go. You stay.
339
00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:34,039
What? No. Sterling, no!
340
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:38,252
Mother, it's okay. You go.
I need to stay here for a while.
341
00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:41,714
-Archer--
-[female voice] Detonation in 90 seconds.
342
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,299
-Go!
-[sighs]
343
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,384
-Son of a-- Come on.
-[static crackling]
344
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:49,138
No, no, no, no, no, no! Sterling!
345
00:14:50,806 --> 00:14:53,142
-[alarm continues blaring]
-[laughs] Moms, huh?
346
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:56,061
So you're willing to die
just to make sure I do?
347
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:57,563
-Yep.
-Why?
348
00:14:57,646 --> 00:15:01,901
Because, Archer, a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away,
349
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:05,821
you put your nasty dick
in my fiancée's butthole.
350
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,991
Wait, wait, wait,
that-- that's what this is about?
351
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:10,868
-Oh, yes.
-Uh, what was her name?
352
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:13,454
-Simone?
-Framboise!
353
00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:16,165
[female voice] Detonation in 60 seconds.
354
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,541
[laughs] Jesus Christ.
355
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:21,837
Well, if it's any consolation, Barry,
I can't even remember what she looks--
356
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,464
-[shouts]
-[grunts]
357
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:25,132
Go, go, go, go, go!
358
00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:26,216
But wait. Couldn't we--
359
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:28,886
Malory, we need to move. We've only got--
360
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:31,388
[female voice] Detonation in 30 seconds.
361
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:33,807
-That.
-No, no, no, wait.
362
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:36,727
Wait. Just wait a second.
363
00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:37,937
-Wait.
-What?
364
00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:40,981
-Argh!
-[laughs] Chicken butt.
365
00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:44,276
Chicken butt, Barry.
366
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:49,365
[female voice] Detonation in 15 seconds.
Escape pod launched.
367
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:52,368
[laughs] Yes! They're safe, Barry.
368
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:54,036
[female voice] Detonation in ten...
369
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:55,788
-Are they?
-...nine...
370
00:15:55,871 --> 00:15:57,414
-What?
-...eight...
371
00:15:57,498 --> 00:15:59,375
-Are they safe?
-...seven...
372
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:00,793
-Yes.
-...six...
373
00:16:00,876 --> 00:16:02,503
So you're the big man, huh?
374
00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:03,921
-...five...
-Yes, Barry, I am.
375
00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:05,506
-...four...
-I'm huge.
376
00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:07,549
-...three...
-Not what Framboise said.
377
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,134
-...two...
-Oh, really? Because--
378
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:11,637
-...one.
-Shit, I had something for--
379
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:12,721
Ignition.
380
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,313
[heavy breathing]
381
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:25,442
[Queen Sarah Saturday's
"Robert De Niro" playing]
382
00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:28,362
Rampage!
383
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:30,364
Ugh.
384
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:33,784
Sterling Malory Archer.
385
00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:35,619
[man] Code name Duchess.
386
00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:36,745
So here's the thing.
387
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:40,416
I need to access my operations account,
and you're preventing that.
388
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:43,544
Now, we can do this easy,
or we can do it hard.
389
00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:46,630
The thought of me dead
gives you an erection?
390
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,132
Jesus Christ!
391
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:49,341
Your call.
392
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:52,761
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
393
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,221
[all] Drink, drink, drink, drink!
394
00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:55,848
[grunting] Ow! Ow!
395
00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:57,057
Bawk! Bawk!
396
00:16:57,141 --> 00:17:00,811
-Archer!
-I'm coming! Phrasing, boom!
397
00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:03,689
[screaming]
398
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:07,985
Okay, let's try that a-- Oh, shit!
399
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:10,738
-Survey says...
-[screams]
400
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,364
Don't try to do anything stupid.
401
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,241
I don't have to try.
402
00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:17,286
[grunting]
403
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:18,370
[grunting]
404
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,748
I'll show you who's boss.
405
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:22,332
-[grunts]
-How do you like that?
406
00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:27,004
[grunts] Hey, asshole!
407
00:17:27,087 --> 00:17:28,172
Lana.
408
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:31,133
-Lana.
-[gasps]
409
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:32,676
-[grunts]
-[groans]
410
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:33,969
Lana.
411
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,721
-[clears throat]
-[grunts]
412
00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:36,930
Lana!
413
00:17:37,014 --> 00:17:38,307
-What?
-[laughs]
414
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:39,475
♪ Danger zone ♪
415
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:43,020
Sterling Archer,
I'd like you to meet your daughter,
416
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:44,772
Abbiejean.
417
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:46,857
Why is that who named like me?
418
00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:50,694
Because he's your son, you colossal idiot.
419
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:54,823
Until you can look at your mother
and see her not just as your mother
420
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,283
-but as a person...
-[belches]
421
00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:58,535
When have I ever
been honest with Sterling?
422
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,537
-[Burt] You can't grow up.
-[crying]
423
00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:02,414
Honey, you still got it.
424
00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:05,292
♪ Bow-chicka-bow-bow, a-huh-huh ♪
425
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:09,546
[Archer] Pretty much my whole life,
my default setting has been half-ass.
426
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:11,090
Whoo-who cares?
427
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:16,095
Imagine as I literally beat you to death
that a giant hand has turned my dial
428
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:19,139
from half-ass to quadruple-ass.
429
00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:21,517
[shouting]
430
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,314
Oh, booyakasha!
431
00:18:27,397 --> 00:18:30,859
I've been shot, stabbed,
set on fire, poisoned, shot,
432
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:35,322
sexually assaulted, partially chewed,
shot, and declared legally dead
433
00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:36,448
twice on the same day.
434
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:38,117
Think you might have a problem.
435
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,701
Yeah, Lana, it's called cancer.
436
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:42,871
-[gurgling]
-[Lana] Archer?
437
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,040
-Are you--
-The man who cheated death?
438
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,000
[all gasp]
439
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:49,628
I might be immortal.
440
00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:52,589
[all] Archer!
441
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:53,674
[laughs]
442
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,509
This close.
443
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,678
♪ Rebound ♪
444
00:18:57,761 --> 00:19:03,475
♪ Rebound ♪
445
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,354
[sighs] Goddamn Barry.
446
00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:08,438
-[glass shatters]
-[gasps]
447
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,190
-Mother?
-[gasps] Sterling?
448
00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:11,692
[stammers]
Wait, what are you-- what are you--
449
00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:12,776
I-- I...
450
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:15,988
[Gladys] I know you didn't just break
another glass in here,
451
00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:18,157
because if I told you once, I told you--
452
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,034
[gasps] My Lord Jesus! God!
453
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,786
Gladys! He's awake!
454
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:27,624
-He's awake.
-Yeah, um, duh. Why am I in a hospital?
455
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:30,127
You were shot by a crazy woman.
456
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:32,254
[gasps] Just like Eddie Waitkus.
457
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:33,797
-Who?
-Don't get him started.
458
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:35,591
[chuckles] Oh, man. For a second there,
459
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:37,718
I thought maybe the booze
had caught up with me.
460
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,219
Ooh, speaking of...
461
00:19:40,470 --> 00:19:43,098
-With me standing right here?
-He's gonna need it.
462
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:47,603
Wait, why? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
How long have I been here?
463
00:19:48,937 --> 00:19:50,564
-Mother?
-Sterling--
464
00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:51,899
Mother, how long have I been here?
465
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:54,484
[sighs] Three years.
466
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,653
What? No. Three--
467
00:19:57,529 --> 00:19:59,656
Wait, not-- No. No, no, no.
468
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:01,158
You want me to call Dr. Gorenstein?
469
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:03,452
Oh, please.
You think he could be bothered?
470
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:05,287
At midnight on a Sunday?
471
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,457
Plus, what would his mistress say?
472
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:12,002
[laughs] So bad.
473
00:20:12,085 --> 00:20:14,546
Wait, why are you here
at midnight on a Sunday?
474
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:17,090
Well, I, um--
475
00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:18,425
She's always here.
476
00:20:18,508 --> 00:20:20,636
Oh, now, not always.
477
00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:23,680
[monitor beeping steadily]
478
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,899
Let me get you some ice chips.
479
00:20:35,859 --> 00:20:37,069
For three years?
480
00:20:37,152 --> 00:20:39,738
I wanted to be here when you woke up.
481
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:45,994
[exhales sharply] Okay, so, like,
what about Lana?
482
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:48,538
-Lana?
-Hey, wait, do I have a kid?
483
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:51,833
There's plenty of time
to talk about all of that.
484
00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:56,838
The important thing is that you're back
and we're together.
485
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,757
Um, uh, okay.
486
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:03,512
After all, the real story's
always been about you and me.
487
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:04,638
What are you--
488
00:21:04,721 --> 00:21:08,308
Which, when you think about it,
at its heart...
489
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:11,144
it's really a love story.
490
00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:13,855
Please, Mother, don't say that.
491
00:21:14,564 --> 00:21:15,607
It's true.
492
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:19,152
Yuck.
33885
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