Original subtitles

[Ray] All right, let's get this over with.

[clears throat] This proceeding and any sentences arising therefrom

shall be conducted under

the Federation Judicial Code, Article Nine,

in re-attempted murder and mutiny, both capital offenses.

Now, I know you've all been sworn, and I have read your complaints.

I have a question.

Is it, "What's the best way to interrupt a judge?"

-[laughs] No. -Then--

It's, "Why does a spaceship

have an enormous dedicated courtroom in it?"

Yeah, right?

I don't know! I didn't build it.

Well, it's ridiculous.

I basically sleep in a coffin, and this could have been...

two and a half squash courts.

Ooh, or a holodeck.

We have a holodeck.

-Yeah, but we never use it. -Can we please--

Oh, so hey, why not just have the holodeck turn into a courtroom?

Ooh, or two and a half squash courts.

Order! Order, or I will hold you all in a different kind of contempt. [grunts]

Now, then, Mr. Figgis, are the people ready to proceed?

[laughs] Oh, yeah. [laughs]

Uh...

[clears throat]

Oh, uh, sorry. Yes, Your Honor, the, uh--

[clears throat]

-What is-- -[Ray clears throat]

Oh, come on, seriously?

[sighs] Yes, Your Honor. The people are ready to proceed.

That's what I thought. And is the defendant ready to proceed?

No, the defendant is not because there is no defendant

because this whole thing is a sham and a farce,

and I don't recognize this kangaroo court's authority

because it's presided over by a male prostitute.

-Courtesan! -Pobobot!

And by God, you will recognize it because prior to my current circumstances,

for 16 years, I was a Federation High Court Justice.

-I have a question. -Woman, I swear to God.

How'd you go from being a Federation judge to, like, blowing space truckers?

Well, missy.

[chuckling] That is a...

Oh, that is a long, crazy story.

[clears throat] But it is entirely non-germane

to the solemn proceeding before this bench.

And so, Mr. Archer,

having reminded you that the man who represents himself

has a fool for a client--

[laughs] I'm not representing myself.

Well, then who is?

[laughs] Oh, just TV's Michael Gray.

Who, for reasons known but to God, is wearing seersucker.

So if you wanna go ahead and do that motion to dismiss,

now would, uh, maybe be a good time.

Oh, and also, we wish to countersue.

-I'm not typing that. -What?

[Ray] I'm gonna allow it.

For injuries and damages from you assholes attempting to murder me

so Lana could steal half of the ship.

Well, when TV's Michael Gray is done with you,

I'm gonna own your half.

So, hey, I don't think this is going as well

as you think it's going.

You goddamn crook.

[theme music playing]

[Archer and Lana grunting]

Jesus, okay. I think that's enough.

I don't wish to cause the witness any further distress.

I'm fine, Your Honor.

-What about my magazine? -Will you--

There's lots more video, Your Honor.

Like the part when Pam smashed me in the head with a fire extinguisher.

[laughing] Yeah! Play that. Ka-klunk.

Do the people have any further questions for this witness?

Not at this time, Your Honor.

Then your witness.

Well? Uh, what are you waiting for?

Get up there and cross-examine her. What are you, hourly?

I think I would be, if I was a lawyer.

-Damn it. -Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

Something is wrong with your brain.

You need to plead not guilty by reason of insanity.

Beg them for mercy and realize you're hallucinating me.

I'll see you disbarred for this.

Great, look forward to it.

Point of procedure. I, uh, no longer wish to be represented

by TV's Michael Gray.

All righty. Are the people okay with him not having an imaginary lawyer?

[chuckling] They're great with it.

Then your witness.

Thank you. Now, then, Miss Kane, is it?

-[static crackling] -Yup.

[sighs] Um...

Damn, I had something for this.

-Did ya? -[Archer] Actually,

can we maybe call her back at a, uh, time later than, um, later than now?

You're just a regular Clarence Darrow.

[sighs] You may step down. Thank you. Call your next witness.

Your Honor, the people call the defendant's mother, Malory Archer.

Boo.

-Come on, are we not doing that? -[door hisses]

Ooh.

Oh, come on. Are you kidding me?

Sit down, sir!

Are you-- She's dressed exactly like Marlene Dietrich

in Witness for the Prosecution,

right down to the hair and the rakish little beret.

[chuckles] Are you seeing this?

-Are you? -What...

-[static crackling] -How the--

Objection. I object.

-To what? -I will ask the question!

[clears throat] It's actually the same question.

I don't know. Everything!

Oh, then I guess we can all go home.

-[static crackling] -Can we?

What the hell is happening?

Don't look at me.

Goddamn it, TV's Michael Gray.

-Uh, Your Honor-- -Wait, wait, shut up.

You shut up!

Order! You're out of order!

You're out of order! You're out of order! This whole trial is out of order!

-[muffled alarm] -They're out of order!

Everybody shut up!

And you bang that thing one more time, I'll break it off inside you.

[coughing] Legit phrasing.

-Shh! Listen. -[female voice] Proximity alert.

-What's going on? -What alert?

Why the hell is there a proximity--

-[rumbling] -[all] Whoa!

-Ow! -[female voice] Collision.

How the-- Who's on the bridge?

Nobody, because we're all down here at this goddamn kangaroo railroad.

-What? -The--the--the--the--the-- Choo-choo!

Krieger! Why aren't you up there?

Well, then who would do this?

Holy shit, dude, that's really good.

You don't think it's derivative?

No, 'cause I don't know what that is.

-[sighs] It's when-- -Krieger! Status report!

[groans]

Right?

Okay, uh, we've got moderate hull damage to starboard amidships, um--

-From what? -I don't know. Jesus.

Turn that thing to the exterior cameras.

Oh, right.

-[monitor chimes] -[all gasp]

-[Malory] Oh, my God. -[Archer] A Dri'n attack barge.

Which means...

boarding party.

And there ain't no party like a boarding party

'cause a boarding party don't stop. [laughs]

Well, until these monstrous bastards have slaked their thirst for blood.

And let me tell you, these little devils are just parched.

-[snarling] -[all shout]

I know, right? Barry-6, out.

What do we do? What do we do?

Well, the first thing we've gotta do, and I'm sure we can all agree on this,

is declare a mistrial.

Come on, man. What's taking so long?

[speaking Dri'n]

-"Space metal"? -[grunts]

Think about how dumb that sounds.

Now, come on, let's peel this banana and...

[grunts] ...take a bite.

I mean, before they all get away in an escape pod, of course.

-[Lana] Cyril! -[Cyril] Lana...

-You are not... abandoning ship. -I'm serious.

Do not make me hit you.

Excuse me?

No, I-- I didn't mean that.

[groans]

-Whoa! -Ow!

[laughs] Serves you right.

Trying to cut the line like that.

What... No one is abandoning ship. We're gonna stay here and fight.

-[overlapping chatter] -I really don't think we should.

[laughs] Yeah, good luck with that.

-Meaning? -Meaning those freaks are literally gonna

chew you up and spit you out.

-Well-- -Or not spit you out.

I don't know about pirate dining etiquette,

but definitely the chewing up part.

-[static crackling] -Well, nobody asked you,

since last I checked, you're a goddamn mutineer.

Well, the last I checked, and I'm not being facetious,

-nice sweater dress. -What?

-Sweater dress? -What?

So you think maybe you are crazy?

[laughs] I'm crazy?

-I mean... -She's crazy

if she thinks she can fight off an entire barge

full of murderous Dri'n pirates without me.

Uh, first of all--

-[alarm blaring] -[female voice] Hull breach.

-Oh, no. -Oh, that's no good.

Talk about crazy, huh?

Whoo! Now, that's what I call a nice gash.

[laughing, snarling]

No, we're not doing space phrasing.

-[snarls] -Uh, because it's derivative.

-And also because I said so. -[female voice] Hull breach.

I'm the only chance you've got.

[Malory] He's right, you know.

Yeah, you gotta let him go.

That, or let us in that damn pod!

-I vote pod. -Cyril!

And, I'm sorry, have we all forgotten he basically sexually assaulted me

with a rolled-up magazine?

-No. -That's evidence.

You're evidence!

And there was nothing sexual about it.

I don't know. I thought it was pretty sexy.

[alarm continues blaring]

On Opposite Day. Gross, you guys!

Goddamn.

Lana, I'm sorry I attacked you. I honestly don't know what got into me.

And when this is over, you can punish me however you see fit.

It's "howmever."

Shut up! But this calls for some serious swashbuckling,

and no one else can buckle swashes like me, so--

[female voice] Xenomorphs detected.

-What do we do now? -Oh, no!

-Your call. -[female voice] Xenomorphs detected.

[groans]

[laughs]

[all growling]

[laughs]

[female voice] Xenomorphs detected.

You're damn right they are.

Get some! Yeah. Be a hitter, big 'un. And have fun out there.

Oh, hey, and, uh, if anyone finds Archer, remember, he's all mine.

Okay, so Mother... Here you go-- ...is gonna lure them into the holodeck.

-Why? -Well, for one thing, because shut up.

But remember... Here you go-- ...if we have to fall back,

and we can probably go ahead and make that

when we fall back... Here, take some of these--

...fall back to the escape pod. The pod is the Alamo.

If we're just gonna go back there, why'd we leave in the first place?

Because the goal isn't to run away so fast,

it makes your vagina flap.

Plus, all the guns are in here.

[Krieger] Not all of them.

You got the sentry guns online?

Yep, yep, yep.

Okay. Here we go.

[beeping]

[beeping]

A and B guns firing.

Wait, wait, wait. At what?

What?

-Eighty, 60-- -What the shit, Krieger?

-[Krieger] Forty. -[beeping]

That's it.

Then what was the point?

Mm-mm-mm. Director's cut?

-Ugh. -Right?

Wait, what? Uh, did they even hit anybody?

-[grunts] -[laughs]

So then just totally pointless.

[snarling]

[laughs] Unless you lean on them, you big dummy.

-Okay, Mother-- -[Barry-6] Archer!

-That's your cue. -And just how exactly

am I supposed to lure those creeps

to the holodeck without getting myself killed?

[gasps] Oh, right, right, right, right, right. Duh.

Toodles.

The rest of you, follow me.

Move, Cyril. I want to hear it flap.

[sighs]

Come on, Archer. You can run, but-- Well, I guess you can hide, obviously.

But stop doing it is what I'm saying.

-[Malory] Yoo-hoo! -Huh?

[Malory] Who's up for some bopping and booping?

I'll bop your boop, you little--

-[snarls] -Why would it be a ruse?

Come on, you mother humpers.

[all growling]

[Cyril] Jeezy Petes, you really are crazy!

We're sitting ducks. There's no cover.

Jesus Christ, do you nerds really never come down here?

[whirring]

-Oh. -This is incredible.

I know, right? Plus, upstairs, there's a bunch of hologram whores

giving out old-timey 50-cent blow jobs.

Wait, what makes them old-timey?

Uh, they're 50 cents?

[ragtime piano music playing]

Oh, Mikey Mike!

[Malory] Whoa!

Is now the best time for that?

A lot better than it's about to be.

How many are there?

Scores.

[sighs] Like, literally scores or--

[Cyril whimpering]

Cyril, get your shit together.

Now, listen, you gotta let 'em come into our killing zone.

Don't just start blasting away the second you--

-[door squeaks] -[all gasp]

Suppressing fire!

[shouting and laughing]

Whoo! [laughing]

[groaning]

-Goddamn, dude. -[Lana] Seriously.

-You shot all my guys. -[Cyril giggles]

Oh, for-- Way to go, Cyril.

-What? -"What?" I'm supposed to be the hero.

-Doing what? -Seriously, Archer?

-Wow. -Well?

-[static crackling] -[laughs]

That is pathetic.

-So are sweater vests. -[static crackling]

-Huh? -What's a sweater vest?

Hey, asshole, you really wanna be the hero?

[chuckling] I mean...

Then let's just you and me play.

-[clicks] -[female voice] Danger.

The self-destruct system is now activated.

-[all gasp] -Why do we even have that?

What? How?

Because the password was...

-"guest." -Told you.

[female voice] Detonation in two minutes.

[overlapping chatter]

Two? No. I thought I set it for 20.

-Krieger, can you override it? -Um...

[female voice] Krieger cannot override it.

-No. -What do we do? What do we do?

Well, if you hustle, I bet you can just make it to the...

[screaming]

...escape pod.

-Come on, everybody. Move it. -Let's go.

All except you, Archer.

-[static crackling] -They go. You stay.

What? No. Sterling, no!

Mother, it's okay. You go. I need to stay here for a while.

-Archer-- -[female voice] Detonation in 90 seconds.

-Go! -[sighs]

-Son of a-- Come on. -[static crackling]

No, no, no, no, no, no! Sterling!

-[alarm continues blaring] -[laughs] Moms, huh?

So you're willing to die just to make sure I do?

-Yep. -Why?

Because, Archer, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away,

you put your nasty dick in my fiancée's butthole.

Wait, wait, wait, that-- that's what this is about?

-Oh, yes. -Uh, what was her name?

-Simone? -Framboise!

[female voice] Detonation in 60 seconds.

[laughs] Jesus Christ.

Well, if it's any consolation, Barry, I can't even remember what she looks--

-[shouts] -[grunts]

Go, go, go, go, go!

But wait. Couldn't we--

Malory, we need to move. We've only got--

[female voice] Detonation in 30 seconds.

-That. -No, no, no, wait.

Wait. Just wait a second.

-Wait. -What?

-Argh! -[laughs] Chicken butt.

Chicken butt, Barry.

[female voice] Detonation in 15 seconds. Escape pod launched.

[laughs] Yes! They're safe, Barry.

[female voice] Detonation in ten...

-Are they? -...nine...

-What? -...eight...

-Are they safe? -...seven...

-Yes. -...six...

So you're the big man, huh?

-...five... -Yes, Barry, I am.

-...four... -I'm huge.

-...three... -Not what Framboise said.

-...two... -Oh, really? Because--

-...one. -Shit, I had something for--

Ignition.

[heavy breathing]

[Queen Sarah Saturday's "Robert De Niro" playing]

Rampage!

Ugh.

Sterling Malory Archer.

[man] Code name Duchess.

So here's the thing.

I need to access my operations account, and you're preventing that.

Now, we can do this easy, or we can do it hard.

The thought of me dead gives you an erection?

Jesus Christ!

Your call.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[all] Drink, drink, drink, drink!

[grunting] Ow! Ow!

Bawk! Bawk!

-Archer! -I'm coming! Phrasing, boom!

[screaming]

Okay, let's try that a-- Oh, shit!

-Survey says... -[screams]

Don't try to do anything stupid.

I don't have to try.

[grunting]

[grunting]

I'll show you who's boss.

-[grunts] -How do you like that?

[grunts] Hey, asshole!

Lana.

-Lana. -[gasps]

-[grunts] -[groans]

Lana.

-[clears throat] -[grunts]

Lana!

-What? -[laughs]

♪ Danger zone ♪

Sterling Archer, I'd like you to meet your daughter,

Abbiejean.

Why is that who named like me?

Because he's your son, you colossal idiot.

Until you can look at your mother and see her not just as your mother

-but as a person... -[belches]

When have I ever been honest with Sterling?

-[Burt] You can't grow up. -[crying]

Honey, you still got it.

♪ Bow-chicka-bow-bow, a-huh-huh ♪

[Archer] Pretty much my whole life, my default setting has been half-ass.

Whoo-who cares?

Imagine as I literally beat you to death that a giant hand has turned my dial

from half-ass to quadruple-ass.

[shouting]

Oh, booyakasha!

I've been shot, stabbed, set on fire, poisoned, shot,

sexually assaulted, partially chewed, shot, and declared legally dead

twice on the same day.

Think you might have a problem.

Yeah, Lana, it's called cancer.

-[gurgling] -[Lana] Archer?

-Are you-- -The man who cheated death?

[all gasp]

I might be immortal.

[all] Archer!

[laughs]

This close.

♪ Rebound ♪

♪ Rebound ♪

[sighs] Goddamn Barry.

-[glass shatters] -[gasps]

-Mother? -[gasps] Sterling?

[stammers] Wait, what are you-- what are you--

I-- I...

[Gladys] I know you didn't just break another glass in here,

because if I told you once, I told you--

[gasps] My Lord Jesus! God!

Gladys! He's awake!

-He's awake. -Yeah, um, duh. Why am I in a hospital?

You were shot by a crazy woman.

[gasps] Just like Eddie Waitkus.

-Who? -Don't get him started.

[chuckles] Oh, man. For a second there,

I thought maybe the booze had caught up with me.

Ooh, speaking of...

-With me standing right here? -He's gonna need it.

Wait, why? Wait, wait, wait, wait. How long have I been here?

-Mother? -Sterling--

Mother, how long have I been here?

[sighs] Three years.

What? No. Three--

Wait, not-- No. No, no, no.

You want me to call Dr. Gorenstein?

Oh, please. You think he could be bothered?

At midnight on a Sunday?

Plus, what would his mistress say?

[laughs] So bad.

Wait, why are you here at midnight on a Sunday?

Well, I, um--

She's always here.

Oh, now, not always.

[monitor beeping steadily]

Let me get you some ice chips.

For three years?

I wanted to be here when you woke up.

[exhales sharply] Okay, so, like, what about Lana?

-Lana? -Hey, wait, do I have a kid?

There's plenty of time to talk about all of that.

The important thing is that you're back and we're together.

Um, uh, okay.

After all, the real story's always been about you and me.

What are you--

Which, when you think about it, at its heart...

it's really a love story.

Please, Mother, don't say that.

It's true.

Yuck.