All language subtitles for Archer_S10E05_Mr_ Deadly Goes to Town.en.closedcaptions

[Cyril] Now, that doesn't look right.

Why am I looking at a black hole?
You know I hate those.

Yeah, we're nowhere near
where we're supposed to be.

Well, maybe we should find the navigator
and throw something at him.

Wait, I'm the-- Hey!

Seriously?

Sorry, I didn't have anything heavier.

Also, there's that.

That is the most evil thing
I've ever seen.

This isn't my fault.
I didn't enter these coordinates.

That thing summoned us out of hyperspace.

Well, don't just stand there
gawping like stunned space elk.

Go see
if there's anything worth salvaging.

You want us to walk into a thing

that might as well have
"imminent death" written on the side?

Well…

Since we're here.

Yep, and nothing terrible
ever happens in a place like this.

-[beeping]
-Hmm, I'm not finding much.

Just a bunch of hallways
that meet up over there.

-[beeping rapidly]
-Ooh, I'm picking up

large amounts of organic compounds!

Aw, but no moisture,
which only makes sense if it's--

A giant field of old, dead aliens?

Or an army of space mummies.

Uh, look up circuit-dick.

Oh, well, technically I'm correct
if they stand up… now!

Right now.

Instead of trying to raise the dead,

why don't we just find something shiny
and get the heck out of here?

Cyril, find anything?

[sighs] Well, it looks like
there are two kinds of aliens.

Heavily armored
and seems like they've been here for eons.

[coughing] Ah!

Dead… [coughs] …alien…
[coughs] …in… [coughs]

my… [coughs] …lungs.

Whoa-ho! Cool!

[Malory on radio] We've decoded
the writing on the outside

and it seemed… relevant.

Relevant how?

[Malory] Well, as far as we can tell,

it's one phrase translated
into a dozen ancient languages.

"Beware. End of life."
"Beware. End of life."

Any-hoo…

Now I kind of wish we'd worn helmets.

Time to go. Cyril, Pam.

[coughing]

Ha-ha! Bring me the biggest goose
in all of London!

[mechanical whirring]

Well, hello.

I'm Mr. Deadly, and I'm coming with you.

And if we don't take you?

Written right on the side.

[theme song playing]

Could you say that one more time?

Bring me the biggest goo--

Not you!

I'm a sentient doomsday device

created by an extinct alien race
but never used.

Wait, never used?
What about all those bodies?

[lasers zapping]

[roaring]

[groaning]

Well, hello. I'm Mr. Deadly.

[sighs] Typical.

I didn't kill them.
They died fighting over me.

But you gestured threateningly.

I've been alone for thousands of years,

so my nonverbal communication skills
are a bit rusty.

So wait, are you a weapon or not?

As I said, doomsday device.

Designed by a race to whom

mutual destruction
was preferable to defeat.

I was hidden away on the edge of space,

but the war I was created to end
in fiery apotheosis concluded without me.

So, there I remained, my only companions:
the velvety dark and solitude itself.

And then?

I got bored, so I nabbed you lot
out of hyperspace to help me explode,

at which point
I'll atomize a few dozen solar systems.

[chuckles]
Who else is turned on right now?

-[Krieger] Always on.
-[others] Not at all.

Am I to understand
that we brought a giant bomb onto the ship

because you misunderstood its gestures?

Yeah, keep working on it, buddy.

Now, with that out of the way,
would you say, "Please detonate"?

-Plea--
-[thuds]

Keep little Miss Death Wish confined here

until we decide what to do
with that walking apocalypse.

So, we're just supposed to sit here
and twiddle our thumbs?

I'm sure what you do with your thumbs
is entirely your business.

[sighs]

Yeah, just seethe silently.
That'll show her.

Well, you're stuck here, too.

I'm always stuck here.

[giggling]

What?

I'm just laughing
at how little they respect you.

[sighs] God, I need a drink.

It looks like The Artifact
sealed itself up after you left.

So, we're stuck with you, huh?

Yes. Though I can't trigger myself,

I would like to explode
at the earliest opportunity.

Go right ahead.
If killed, I blow up automatically.

Sort of obvious, when you think about it.

So you lived your entire life
on that thing, right?

You've never experienced anything?

I could access
all the information in the galaxy.

But I suppose you're right.
I didn't directly experience any of it.

Aw, you must be horny as shit.

The sole aim of my being is to explode.

Been there, buddy. [chuckles]

We get it. You wanna explode.

But if you experience some stuff
and then explode,

you'd get the best of both worlds.

Maybe you won't want to explode at all.

Unlikely, but intriguing. It is settled.
I shall experience… some stuff!

Excellent. Laki Station is nearby.

It's a cargo depot,
but it has its share of diversions.

I'm just glad I won't have to look
at that thing anymore.

What is it with you and black holes?

Ever heard of spaghettification?

Oh, yeah, I did that once.

Man, we went everywhere,
nothing but sauce and starch.

Nom-nom-nom-nom. [laughs]
I put on 20 pounds.

Pam, not spaghetti vacation.
I'm talking about the scientific term

for being sucked through
a black hole's event horizon

and being stretched
into a thin strip of matter,

screaming for eternity
because of time dilation.

Spaghettification!

We called ours "Pastafari." [chuckles]

-[beeping]
-[humming]

Ah!

What are you doing in my inner sanct--

room where I sit quietly
and do nothing suspicious?

You come here to dream of electric sheep?

Don't be a dick. Androids can't dream.
But we do think real hard about them.

And make illegal experimental weapons
using our ship's supplies?

What? No, that's not--

Laki Station is notorious
for black market deals.

I may just have a plan--

-Stop that!
-Oh, sorry. I was just…

Electric sheep. Like, do they plug in?

[Mr. Deadly] My word.

I knew the life cycle of a cow,
the atomic structure of sucrose,

but the experience!

Yeah, well, ice cream is good.

-[moaning]
-Not that good.

Unless you've got one
that's foreplay flavored.

Do they have that?

No. And let's keep it simple for now.

I hear they have a greenhouse
that might be fun to walk through.

Good grief, there's more than this?

Yay, plants.

So, what's the plan here?
Stuff him in a cargo hold and bug out?

No, then he just blows up
a bunch of other people.

We can make this work.

If we just find something
he likes enough to live for.

Oh, my God,
you always have to fix people, don't you?

This is why our marriage didn't work.

Really? It wasn't the fact that you slept
with everything on two legs?

Hmm… Not always two.

[Krieger] This is a disaster.
There's only two people here.

Didn't you pass out the brochures?

I did not.

But the mix tape
doesn't make any sense without--

[gasps] Oh, my God.

You didn't send the mix tape?

[Krieger and Pam]
♪ Sometimes you want to have fun ♪

♪ Have fun ♪

♪ Sometimes you just need a gun
Blap-blap ♪

The arms game is about connections,
not your quasi-musical cry for help.

This is all window dressing anyway.

This is bush league right here.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

Hey, after this, let's hit the dead drop
and then, space taco.

Mm, def.

Oh, my God! Are you guys spies?

Oh, my God, yell it out, hello.

Got it. Do you guys have, like,
an internship or something?

I'm very sneaky.

-Mm-hmm.
-I see you two have an eye.

Let me show you the latest.

Only for my special customers,
you understand.

Yeah, well, we are pretty special.

The Plasmoblast Chaos Edition!

Hold down the trigger, and it fires
at wildly unpredictable intervals.

-Why?
-Revenge Body Armor.

When hit,
it auto-injects you with painkillers

and rage-inducing pharmaceuticals.

Why?

And finally, my magnum opus.

The personalized, identity-locked
temporary singularity grenade.

That all sounds…

-So dumb.
-Thank you.

What's dumb about a temporary black hole
that sucks everything into it,

then teleports itself
to a random location in the galaxy?

All of the words that you said
in the order that you said them.

-And we're out.
-If I may step in…

These are only the appetizers.

I do in fact have access
to a weapon of great power.

-What, a fart cannon?
-Actually, I have one--

No, something else. A doomsday device.

The butterfly.

A remarkable illustration of the capacity
of living things to change.

Cool. Hey, is that something
you think you might be able to--

What's going on, bud?

Oh, I'm conversing with the butterfly
via pheromones.

I just asked it to say, "Please detonate."

I thought
you weren't gonna try to explode.

That's not… anything I said.
Anyway, it was a hard pass.

Much more foul-mouthed than I expected.

Same to you, you bastard.

Well, I guess we're safe.

Until he finds a fruit fly
with a death wish.

So, would you be interested?

Or, you can shoot plasma bolts
at semi-random intervals.

Ka-kow! Ka-ka-kow!

I'll take doomsday.

Ka-kow!

What do you mean, "No?"

The accepted opposite of, "Yes"?

So we're not selling Mr. Deadly now?
Won't those spies be angry?

And more importantly,
how does this affect our mix tape?

Selling him would solve all our problems.

He gets taken somewhere else
and gets to explode, we live.

Except for the billions of life forms
he kills.

Well, obviously, but they're
kind of a sunk cost at this point.

That is not what that means.

Oh, um, arbitrage?

We can't be held responsible

for the actions of the people
we sell weapons to.

-Why not?
-Because we'd have to stop doing it.

Look, I think Mr. Deadly
is making some real progress.

The ice cream was good,
and that was a very pretty bug, if rude,

but fulfilling the purpose of my existence
sounds a smidge better.

But there must be something
in the universe you wanna do.

I've heard good things about whiskey.

Great job, Lana.
Now let's go get this bomb drunk.

Lightweights.
That was only like a half a bottle…

[snoring]

…of Quaaludes
that I dissolved in their absinthe.

Hmm… They may die.

[gasps] Oh! Mr. Deadly!

That's what I was doing.

I say, that tastes like an old boot
on fire that I like in my mouth.

I know it's your first time,

but you don't have to try
literally every whiskey they have.

Um, could you say, "Please detonate"?

Say nothing. Walk away.

Almost got you. [chuckles]

I'll have these six.

Not 100% sure this is working.

Let's just go find those spies
and pawn him off.

One, that's evil.

Two, we don't even know
what they look like.

Well, see that cat dude
and pouch master general?

They look exactly like that.

Doesn't look like they're here to haggle.
Time to go.

And we're shuffling,
and they're working together,

and they're cutting us off,
and they're here.

Nice work, Tav.

What's up with all the fist bumping?

This is not a weapon.
It is a living being who does not want--

Who's taking me? You? You?
Ah, we'll figure it out.

Thanks, Lana. It's been… a delay?
But I'd like to explode now.

Well, all that's left is for you to pay us

and we'll leave
this portion of the galaxy--

Oh. [laughs] You're not going anywhere.
I have a thing about loose ends.

Is that why you have so many straps?

Seriously,
are you on your way to tie down a blimp?

Hey. Time to leave.

We tend to frown
on threatening waiters with knives.

Sir, we're handling this. [chuckles]

Oh, is that right, Tycho Brahe?

Astronomy burn.

Come on,
did the groundwork for Copernicus,

had a metal nose, Tycho Brahe.

Ooh, long way to go for that one.

[grunting]

Hey, assholes. If he dies, he explodes!

Well, you should have led with that!

Oh, we're so sorry!

[grunts] Goddamn it.
I think they used your stick thing.

It's called a quarterstaff.

Fine, they used your quarterstaff.
You have a gun.

[Archer sighs]
We can lay low here for a while.

Aw, cheer up, dude.
I bet you'll explode before you know it.

Lana, you have snatched me
from my destiny.

Yeah, she is a huge buzzkill.

Look, I'm very partially sorry about that.
But we're gonna figure out what to do.

Can you stay here for just a few minutes?

Oh, great. I've waited thousands of years
so what's a few minutes?

That's a yes, right?

Yes.

So, what do we do?

Oh! Oh, not this.

Just thought of another name
for Spaghetti Vacation.

If you tell it to me, Pam,
I will literally kill you.

Call it a one-way vacation to the void.

Wait, that's something.

Killing Pam? I was joking,
but if you've got a good reason I would--

No, these depots all have a cargo railgun.
They're insanely powerful.

-So?
-So we put him in it,

aim it up out of the galactic plane,

and radio the order
when he's at a safe distance.

We'd have to get there
without those goons intercepting us.

Seems tough. They're very cool.

They're not that cool.

Okay, let's ask him.

-[crashing]
-[Cheryl] Ha!

Teach you to lock me in a room.

Because I locked you in a room! Ha-ha!
Are you guys getting that?

I can't see if the irony is landing.

Why not open the door and check?

[Cheryl] I can't, I smashed it. Okay, bye.

Okay, bye. We're gonna die.

If we are, there's something
I need you guys to know.

"Ravioliday"!

Worth it.

[sighs] I am ready.

Take me!

You may have some unhealthy associations
with sex and death.

Duh-hoi.

Uh-huh. So you know
you don't have any junk, right?

Well, if you give me a moment
I'm sure I can grow one.

Why don't you make it two?

That was… my God.

Ugh! It's gonna be one of those.

How can sensations that majestic
and world-shattering

be contained
in such strange dangly skin-bags?

Did the world shatter for you
in the first ten seconds,

the second ten seconds, or…
huh, no other options.

Both. Benefit of two, I suppose.

But, oddly, I find
a limpid rush of passion in myself,

and I must tell you--

Sorry, what was your name?

[clears throat]
There's some debate on that.

Well, whatever it is, I love you.

Yes, well… nap.

Can you at least tell me to detonate?

God, can you stop your dumb mouth
from talking so I can sleep?

Okay. Well, I'm gonna destroy you all now.

As long as it's quiet! Rude!

What did you just do?

I don't know. I wasn't listening either.

Unfortunately, we were,

and there are some things
you can't unhear.

Yeah, like why was it so squelchy?

-Well--
-Nope. Where did he go?

Who?

Let's see. Let's wind the footage back
to the moment they left the cantina--

Pff. Cantina? Barely a saloon.

Or that.

Last one to grab him buys tacos?

Ugh. Set me up the whole way.
Ugh. Respect.

[gasps]

[snoring]

-[wheezing]
-We got to go.

Give me a minute.
I think I was just dead a little.

♪ Sometimes you just need a gun ♪

Damn, that's catchy.

Cheryl got out. And ruined everything.

That second part
probably goes without saying.

How can you be so incompetent?

Well, seeing as how you let
a glue-sniffing human death wish

escape a closed vessel, maybe we're even.

Even? Who paid for your first "massage"
when you ran out of cash?

Not to get in the middle
of your Freudian nightmare,

but just get Krieger ready
with his weapons,

and meet us outside the ship.

Way ahead of you.

Are you?

Hate to be a pest but could you say,
"Please Detonate?"

Uh, no thank you.

Ah-ha!

Fantastic. And now this is happening.

Let's go!

-Ow.
-Nice shooting, Tex,

but if you kill him, nobody gets tacos.

-[gun cocking]
-Oh, hi, guys.

Oh, hi. They're from the ship.

Yep. We are here to stop you.

Is that a kimono?

These are experimental prototypes.

I call gun. Big gun, here.

That leaves Pam the temporary--

Don't need it, dick-nuts.
My body is a weapon.

-Speaking of which.
-The temporary singularity grenade?

Why would you make that?
Why not just give us an ancient horn

that summons Cthulhu's older,
shittier step-brother?

Well, it imprinted on you now,
so no one else can use it.

Seems like a needless precaution.
So, where do you think they are?

[lasers zapping]

I find it's good practice
to follow the sound of gunfire.

That hadn't happened yet.

Oh, suppressing fire!

Ah, ah, ah!

Yelling "suppressing fire"
kind of defeats the point.

We're supposed to think
you're aiming at us.

You know what, actually, I'm saying it
to my teammates so they know.

-[yowls]
-[screams]

Admit you underestimated me!

[Tav] Get off my head, you bitch!

They're actually doing okay.

I might have a tiny bit more respect
for them.

Don't ever tell them I said that.

There is so much so deeply wrong with you.

[chuckles] And you married me.
Doesn't reflect great on you.

Aw, can I keep him?

[panting] How long before they notice--

"We're-- We're gone,"
is what I was gonna say.

[groans]

So what's all this then?

Cargo railgun, we shoot you,
transmit signal, boom.

Oh, finally.

Wait, where's Pam?

[grunts]

The invisible fist.
That could be my code name.

So what do you say,
I'm your scrappy apprentice,

and you're my gruff-but-loveable--

Ah! Ow!

I'll think about it. [cackles]

[groaning] Oh, that is good pouchwork.

Get in there.
We'll send the "please det--"

Archer, come on.

[chuckles]
Whoops, that would have been hilarious.

We'll send you the message
once you're out of the galactic plane.

Ah! Jesus, Archer.
You ever look before you shoot?

Sometimes.

[yowls]

Don't hit Mr. Deadly!

Yeah, aiming at you guys.

Thanks for being so conscientious.

[yelling]

[groaning in slow-motion]

[yelling in slow-motion]

You saved me. You overcame
your simple biological impulse to live.

Just trying to do what's right. Oh…

[roars]

[grunting]

Jesus Christ, lady!

Don't call me lady!

Well, have a nice death.

Just give me the receiver
so you can transmit the order.

-The what?
-It's a cargo container.

Do you want me to bring along
string and a can?

Goddamn it.

Oh, so now you're a gesture expert.

[yelling]

Whoa, smells like stir-Friday in here.

Why did you do that?
I need to feel their blood on my--

Ah.

Oh, this is the best I've ever felt.

Yeah, you're probably gonna
want to check into rehab.

Like immediately. You forgot this.

I came as quick as I could.
You know, after they died.

You are a paragon of bravery.

All right, let's shoot you into space.

-One moment.
-Oh, come on.

Lana's act of selflessness inspired me.

She was willing
to give her life for others,

and that gives me the courage to change.
I choose life.

I guess this means no tacos.

[scoffs] Is that supposed to be a joke?

I didn't mean to make it weird. [grunts]

How's this for weird?

Please detonate.

-[all] No!
-[Lana] Don't detonate!

I think my change of heart
may have defused me.

Only now do I see

that when one's purpose is evil,
achieving that--

[howling]

[all scream]

-Archer, you've got to use this.
-[whimpering]

I don't want to be eternal spaghetti,
Lana.

For once,
think of anyone other than yourself.

Argh! Fine!

[beeping]

[whooshing]

[all yelling]

[sighing]

-I'm alive.
-[Archer] We're alive!

-[Pam] Wow.
-[Ray] Close one, right guys?

[groans] Yeah, great.
I think I twisted my ankle. Thanks, Lana.

So, where exactly did they go?

It's semi-random,
but I could try to back-calculate it--

I'd kind of prefer to not know

if we wiped out several thriving
and culturally complex civilizations.

-Yeah, I mean, me too.
-[overlapping chatter]

[explosion]

We don't know that was us.

[theme music playing]