Original subtitles

[King] Where in the...

No, I'm sure it was...

I swear, if that girl...

Lanaluakalani!

[Lanaluakalani] Yes, Father?

Come in here this very instant!

I tell you, this is the last straw!

-Pff. -Do not "pff" me, woman!

-Pff! -That child of yours has gone too far.

I tell you, this time, I shall really punish her!

[clears throat] You called, Father?

-Where is it? -Where is what?

The map to the sacred tupua.

Tupua?

Oka atua, do not play dumb with me.

You know exactly what I am talking about, child.

Now, where is it?

I'm sure I don't know.

And why would anyone want a map to some moldy old statue?

Because of its magical powers!

Oh, that's just a silly native legend.

Do you even... We're natives!

You know what I mean.

I know what you think I mean.

I mean I... [grunts]

You know what I think?

I think you made some sort of deal with this ese mai fafo, the German.

What?

Yes, and I think, in your profound ignorance

of the awesome power of the tupua, you gave him the map!

What?

In exchange for enough money

to go live among the papalangi in New York City again

and open another...

-What was it? -Failed art gallery.

Oh, come on!

There was this little thing called the Great Depression.

Well, and you don't know anything about art.

-I do so! -[chuckling] Oh, please.

You thought the Dutch masters were just a kind of cigar.

[gasps] I told you that in confidence!

-Pff. -You have raised a fool!

Because the tupua is a legend for a reason,

and you have no idea of its power!

And once that German snake finds it, he will be long gone,

so I hope at least he paid you in advance!

[clears throat] 'Scuse me.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

Well, if that sneaky little schnitzel

thinks he's gonna flimflam Princess Lanaluakalani,

he has got another thing... [gasps]

[all yell]

[Charlotte screams]

Are you out of your mind?

[Reynaud] Sacrebleu! [Charlotte] Ow!

[all groaning]

What the hell is the matter with you people?

Ow!

Well, I, for one, am starving, so please tell me you have oysters.

[theme music playing]

[Malory] Who the hell taught you how to drive?

Me? Who the hell taught him how to drive?

-[clears throat] -[Malory] Oh, for the...

And where the hell were you going in such a hurry?

None of your beeswax! Wait. Where were you going?

-None of-- -We're searching for a sacred idol.

-What? -Goddamn it!

No, you can't. I forbid it!

-Excuse me? -I forbid it!

As princess, I forbid the looting of Mitimotu's cultural artifacts

by you, you Europeans!

[whispering] Code for "white."

-And what of it? -And what color are your Germans, eh?

[gasps] Damn it, the Germans!

-Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Hey, whoa, whoa! Un moment.

Where do you think you're going?

To beat the Germans to the idol!

No, we're gonna beat Archer to it.

-Archer? -Yes. So get in line, sister!

Oh, I'm at the head of it!

Why, you little...

Do something!

I, uh... commandeer this véhicule!

[laughs] You what?

[gasps]

[monkeys howling]

[monkey wails]

[all cheering and laughing]

All right! Enough fun. Now, back to business!

[laughs] Ja, shooting those damn cannibals!

Remember, you promised we could!

Don't worry, men, we will kill anyone who dares to interfere with our mission

to bring the ultimate power to the fatherland!

-Whoo! -[Fuchs laughing] Ja!

[all] ♪ It's a long way to Tipperary ♪

♪ It's a long way to go ♪

[chittering softly]

[chittering]

[screaming]

All right already! Come on, we don't need all this junk!

-That crate is just gin! -And vermouth!

Now, move it, big boy.

We can't let Sterling beat us to that damn idol.

-[Crackers squawks] -[women gasp]

-[Crackers] That won't be too hard-- -Goddamn it, bird!

Because he's stuck in quicksand!

-What? Where? -Really?

Quicksand! Pam too!

And I don't know how much time they have left!

-Before... -They die!

Do you think it's enough time for us to tootle on over,

grab the idol, and then come back and save them?

-No! -Don't get chippy with me, bird!

I'm with her.

First we secure the idol, and then we can rescue them.

Exactly.

For the love of God, woman!

Your son is going to die!

Oh, all right!

Take us to the damn quicksand.

But I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts they've already escaped, found the idol,

and are just yukking it up!

-[Pam inhales] -Don't!

Don't say a word. I'm mad enough at you as it is.

I was gonna say I wonder what I'm gonna taste like.

[groans]

[children laughing]

'Cause this whole crazy thing's kinda got me thinking about if I'd ever,

you know, like, eat a person.

And not in a starvation-type deal like the Donner Party or whatever.

That goes without saying.

Your fat white ass is pioneer jerky.

I'm talking about where you voluntarily eat a guy like he's just damn dinner.

Or a woman. Ooh, or a teenage girl.

But I wouldn't want her to get killed

just so I could eat her, so maybe, I don't know,

what if it was one of these native girls' confirmation or whatever,

so she gets a ceremonial bath, scrubbed head to toe,

and then her whole body gets shaved...

-Why-- -Shut up. Let me finish.

But then on the way to the ceremony, this tender, hairless young thing

has a massive yet painless brain aneurysm and falls into a vat of braising liquid?

-Why the hell would-- -[man laughs] Wow!

-What the-- -Huh?

You just described, almost word for word,

what's gonna happen to you guys over the next two days.

I mean, is that goose bumps or what?

-Who-- -Uh, except for the aneurysm.

Who the hell are you?

-I'm Noah. -Besso ekla baht!

-[laughter] -Ek eklan oki!

Wait. You speak their language?

Uh, yeah, I should hope so.

I mean, I've been here almost four years now, so--

Four years? So there's no way to escape?

Um... Well, I suppose...

Well, there's probably...

Oh, gosh, I mean... I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know, idiot? Haven't you even tried?

[chuckling] Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not their captive.

I'm doing my doctoral dissertation on the Mua Mua.

I'm an anthropologist.

-What? A spider scientist? -What?

-That's an arachnologist. -Like you would know!

No, no, it is. An anthropologist--

I know what an anthropologist is!

-No, he doesn't. -Nobody does!

An anthropologist studies human beings and their societies and cultures.

-The Mua Mua, for example... -Zakila gizona!

-Ek ezan oki! -[laughter]

-...are assholes. -Yeah, right?

So then how about it, man? Help us escape.

-Yeah! -No, no, no, no, no, no.

I couldn't do that. I... I'm here to document.

-I can't interfere. -What?

Even after they ate your goddamn arm?

Oh, yeah. Man, that was really--

-Eggelak! -[laughter]

Dongay emakume!

-What is she saying? -[sighs] That I taste like chicken.

Which to them is, like, the worst.

[conch shell bellowing]

-What the-- -What's that?

Oh, uh, okay. Uh, well, I gotta go.

Uh, maybe I'll see you guys later, or maybe not.

-Okay, bye! -Wait! What was that?

[Noah] Nothing!

I think it was something.

-No shit. -Yep.

Well, if we get out of this alive somehow,

we should definitely open a detective agency.

Ooh!

Aw, damn, but we're not getting out alive, huh?

-Noop. -[sighs]

[Malory] Well?

Where the hell are they, bird?

[Crackers stammering] I don't get it.

They were right here, up to their necks in it.

I oughta wring your neck!

This was all just a ruse.

-A what? -A ruse?

-A ruse! -He set me up!

This mite-riddled bird's just stalling us

so that Sterling can get to the idol first.

-Seriously? -Whoa!

First of all, I am... almost mite-free.

And B, I swear they were right here!

Oh, go eat worms!

Come on, Reynaud. We can still beat him if we hurry.

Look! There's boot prints coming up out of the quicksand!

-[Malory] Really? -[Crackers] Ha! Yes!

[gasps] And here's another set of boot prints!

And over there, there,

there's all these different sets of bare footprints,

pretty muscular by the looks of them.

"Muscular"?

And here, this trail is two barefoot men carrying a load between them,

probably on, like, a pole or something.

See, they're, like, six feet apart. That's about the size of a man.

Or a party sub. Look, can we just--

Shut up! Do you think it was--

Yes! It was clearly Archer!

And then here's a trail of four men carrying a much, much heavier load.

Ooh, which I bet was Pam!

Mon Dieu! Can it be les cannibales?

[gasps] Oh, my God!

Well, but since they're out of the quicksand--

And about to be eaten!

We have to follow this trail and rescue them.

No, no, no, uh-uh.

As your princess, I demand we get the idol first.

As whose princess?

-Yeah, right? -Exactement.

[gasps] Et tu, Doudou?

So we're just gonna go gallivanting through this deadly jungle

because this dodo says she can see a trail?

Do you seriously not? It's so obvious.

Then let's go! Come on, Lady Baltimore.

[Charlotte] Ew, look! This guy has ringworm!

[Pam] So where do you think everybody went?

Who knows? Probably taking a vote on what sides to serve us with.

-Ooh! -But I'm not sticking around to find out.

Well, unless you know something I don't--

What, besides everything?

-Oh, hardy-har. -[scoffs]

Including, look! There's a piece of whatchamacallit...

-Ob... Obsidian! -So?

So we can cut the ropes with it, dummy.

If I can just scrooch down the pole,

-I can-- -Get a splinter in your ass?

I'm not gonna get a sp--

[groans and whimpers]

-Goddamn it. -[chuckles]

We'll see how funny [grunts] you think it is

when I leave you here.

[chuckling] Oh.

Does that mean we're not getting married?

You know, first of all, that was...

I just wanted you to die happy.

Ha!

And two, I'm about this close to getting a new Goddamn sidekick.

How is this Crackers' fault?

-Wha... Not Crackers! You! -You think I'm the sidekick?

-Yes, Lennie! -[gasps]

Well?

-Cut me loose. -I will.

-But only because I choose to. -Well, bully for you.

And while you're at it,

you can leave one hand tied behind my back.

-Why? -So I can whip your ass fairly.

Oh, my God, you are such a Lennie!

Well, if we get out of this bullshit...

If we do, it's only because I unleashed the power of obsidian!

You won't have ol' Pam to kick around any more,

because...

Shh, stop. Stop it. Stop cutting.

-What? -[clears throat]

Is your dick hard?

No.

Then what is touching my ass?

-Also nothing. -Oh, for the... Ew!

-No, no, no, no, no, no, wait! -Dude, that is a hard dick.

-It's not that hard. -[laughing] Oh, please.

I bet it hasn't been that hard

since the time the army checked you for a hernia.

I told you that in confidence!

Yeah, well, I ain't your priest. [chuckles]

Speaking of hard dicks.

[gasps] I also told you that in confidence!

[laughing]

[Archer] Oh, don't flatter yourself! It was just a reflex!

[Pam] Uh-huh.

An involuntary biological response to physical and visual stimuli.

Well, then I hope to God this helps.

Ka-kow!

[chuckles] Yeah, that's... Wait. What's the opposite of stimuli?

-That. -It's not supposed to be sexy.

It's protective, in case there's thorns.

[chuckling] Okay, Master Coconut.

Nobody gets that!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?

Making piña coladas. What the hell's it look like we're doing?

Uh... I genuinely don't know.

-We're escaping! -Wait. What? No!

-No, you can't! I'll be punished! -Not if you're dead.

Well... [chuckles nervously] You say that--

Hey, buddy, no shit, she will kill you like an innocent baby rabbit.

Goddamn it!

So what's the best way out of here?

[conch shell bellowing]

Well, that's the thing. There isn't one now.

The conch is telling the Mua Mua warriors to prepare for battle.

What? Why?

Well, apparently a scout saw another group

of warriors headed toward the village!

What other warriors?

I swear to God, if those cannibals don't have a bar, I may literally die.

Oh, my God, and an oyster bar.

I can pretty much guarantee they don't have either of those things.

[sighs] Savages.

Well, you two idiots can stick around

to find out and then get eaten, but I'm gonna go find that Goddamn idol.

Wait. What idol? You mean the tupua?

-Whatever it's called. I-- -How do you know where it is?

-We got a map. -Whoa!

A secret map that is a secret!

Pff! Who's he gonna tell?

Oh, man, the tupua would be the greatest archaeological find of the...

Well, probably just the past couple of years, but still!

-Still what? You're not coming! -Oh, come on!

-I... I know the jungle. -No.

I... I can read any native petroglyphs we might find.

No, I said!

I know how to get past all the giant boulders

and poison darts and stuff.

The do what now?

-Yeah, do, huh? -Oh, man, yeah.

The legends all say the tupua is hidden deep inside

a labyrinth of shafts and tunnels just packed with deadly booby traps.

-So... -That's why you gotta know

your petroglyphs.

Okay, change of plans. You're coming with us!

Yeah!

Oh, wait. Hang on. Hang on. I... I don't...

I don't have to wear one of those, do I?

[Malory] And can we stop and rest awhile?

I think my electrolyte levels are low.

-[coughs] Gin levels. -Also.

No, I think we're getting close to a village or something.

Look, there's a ton of footprints around here.

-[Malory] Oh, mon Dieu! -[Reynaud] Zut alors!

Plus this?

[sighs]

Well, as long as we're close.

Please! I can't leave without my dissertation.

Yes, you can. Now, come on!

It's four years of writing!

Plus, I had to make the paper from scratch.

-Ay! -[Noah] Oh, my God!

-Kekkozat? -What? Oh, no, shh!

-Kekkozat! -No, shh!

Punch her in the face.

-What? -Kekkozat!

Punch her in the face!

I can't punch an old lady... Ow!

Dongay ekakume! [grunts]

-Whoa! -Yeah, not cool.

What? But you just told me to--

Lakundu! Lakundu!

Lakundu!

[conch shell bellowing]

-[people yelling] -Now can we go, please?

But my dissertation! Actually had kind of a weak premise.

Ketak!

Ketakalak!

[people yelling]

Batu! Batu! Batu!

[all yelling]

Goddamn it! Eat a dick, cannibals!

It's funny you say that. Actually...

-It's a figure of speech, Noah! -No, let him finish!

Oh, my God!

I was gonna say that they don't eat the penis.

-The testicles, though... -Nok geziak!

Lakana!

[all yelling]

[urine trickling]

[whispering] In there.

[Fuchs] Schmidt! Was dauert so lange?

[laughs] Weil mein Schwanz so lang ist.

[Fuchs] Nun beeile dich!

Ja, ja. Komm runter, Junge.

[groans]

Seriously?

Scheisse!

[Fuchs] Was, hast du auf deine Schuhe gepisst?

[men laughing]

[Fuchs] Schmidt? [Pam] What the hell?

-Why'd you do that? -Guys?

-What? He was gonna wipe 'em out. -Yeah, problem solved.

-Guys? -[both] What?

[clears throat]

He wants us to come with him.

-Gee, thanks, Noah. -Oh, you're welcome.

[Fuchs] Zwei Maenner, gehen und finden Schmidt!

Eh? Zakila koko?

He wants to know why you stuffed your genitals into a coconut.

Because I hate this Goddamn island!

Zu laguna Mua Mua.

[Noah] Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

He says you saved their lives, so now you're friends of the Mua Mua.

Batu baruka zu zaku.

And that together, we will kill these white devils.

-Nik andu. -Uh, no offense.

-None taken? -Teko besta.

-And then we'll have a huge feast. -[groans] Ekari zim.

Oh, my gosh! Really? Wow!

-What? -[sighs] Well, he said even I can come.

Do you not normally go to the feasts?

Oh, no, no. God, no.

They're... super racist.

Well, guess you can find out what a human being tastes like after all.

Oh, man, and this is probably gonna sound weird, but I could kinda eat.

-A person? -Not a whole person, asshole.

But maybe, like, a drumstick?

[theme music playing]