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1
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[King] Where in the...
2
00:00:04,212 --> 00:00:06,172
No, I'm sure it was...
3
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I swear, if that girl...
4
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Lanaluakalani!
5
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[Lanaluakalani] Yes, Father?
6
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Come in here this very instant!
7
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I tell you, this is the last straw!
8
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-Pff.
-Do not "pff" me, woman!
9
00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:22,647
-Pff!
-That child of yours has gone too far.
10
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:26,192
I tell you, this time,
I shall really punish her!
11
00:00:26,276 --> 00:00:28,778
[clears throat] You called, Father?
12
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,905
-Where is it?
-Where is what?
13
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The map to the sacred tupua.
14
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Tupua?
15
00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:36,995
Oka atua, do not play dumb with me.
16
00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:40,331
You know exactly
what I am talking about, child.
17
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,625
Now, where is it?
18
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:44,252
I'm sure I don't know.
19
00:00:44,335 --> 00:00:47,255
And why would anyone want a map
to some moldy old statue?
20
00:00:47,338 --> 00:00:49,466
Because of its magical powers!
21
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:51,676
Oh, that's just a silly native legend.
22
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,345
Do you even... We're natives!
23
00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:55,847
You know what I mean.
24
00:00:55,930 --> 00:00:58,058
I know what you think I mean.
25
00:00:58,141 --> 00:01:00,643
I mean I... [grunts]
26
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,353
You know what I think?
27
00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:07,108
I think you made some sort of deal
with this ese mai fafo, the German.
28
00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:08,193
What?
29
00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:12,697
Yes, and I think,
in your profound ignorance
30
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of the awesome power of the tupua,
you gave him the map!
31
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:17,702
What?
32
00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:19,329
In exchange for enough money
33
00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:23,208
to go live among the papalangi
in New York City again
34
00:01:23,291 --> 00:01:24,542
and open another...
35
00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,961
-What was it?
-Failed art gallery.
36
00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:27,879
Oh, come on!
37
00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:30,507
There was this little thing
called the Great Depression.
38
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:33,468
Well, and you don't know
anything about art.
39
00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:36,346
-I do so!
-[chuckling] Oh, please.
40
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:39,182
You thought the Dutch masters
were just a kind of cigar.
41
00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:41,142
[gasps] I told you that in confidence!
42
00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:43,353
-Pff.
-You have raised a fool!
43
00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:45,855
Because the tupua
is a legend for a reason,
44
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,525
and you have no idea of its power!
45
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:52,570
And once that German snake finds it,
he will be long gone,
46
00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:54,864
so I hope at least he paid you in advance!
47
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,409
[clears throat] 'Scuse me.
48
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:02,914
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
49
00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:05,250
Well, if that sneaky little schnitzel
50
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:07,752
thinks he's gonna flimflam
Princess Lanaluakalani,
51
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,170
he has got another thing... [gasps]
52
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:11,256
[all yell]
53
00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:15,635
[Charlotte screams]
54
00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:19,347
Are you out of your mind?
55
00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:21,349
[Reynaud] Sacrebleu!
[Charlotte] Ow!
56
00:02:21,432 --> 00:02:22,600
[all groaning]
57
00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:25,270
What the hell is the matter
with you people?
58
00:02:25,353 --> 00:02:26,354
Ow!
59
00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:31,317
Well, I, for one, am starving,
so please tell me you have oysters.
60
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:35,488
[theme music playing]
61
00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:15,695
[Malory] Who the hell
taught you how to drive?
62
00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:18,948
Me? Who the hell
taught him how to drive?
63
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,200
-[clears throat]
-[Malory] Oh, for the...
64
00:03:21,492 --> 00:03:24,287
And where the hell
were you going in such a hurry?
65
00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:27,081
None of your beeswax!
Wait. Where were you going?
66
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:29,167
-None of--
-We're searching for a sacred idol.
67
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:30,418
-What?
-Goddamn it!
68
00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:33,212
No, you can't. I forbid it!
69
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:35,256
-Excuse me?
-I forbid it!
70
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:39,260
As princess, I forbid the looting
of Mitimotu's cultural artifacts
71
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:42,222
by you, you Europeans!
72
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:43,556
[whispering] Code for "white."
73
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,935
-And what of it?
-And what color are your Germans, eh?
74
00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:49,354
[gasps] Damn it, the Germans!
75
00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:51,356
-Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Hey, whoa, whoa! Un moment.
76
00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:52,732
Where do you think you're going?
77
00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:54,317
To beat the Germans to the idol!
78
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,945
No, we're gonna beat Archer to it.
79
00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:59,697
-Archer?
-Yes. So get in line, sister!
80
00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,824
Oh, I'm at the head of it!
81
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,409
Why, you little...
82
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:04,494
Do something!
83
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:07,538
I, uh... commandeer this véhicule!
84
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,457
[laughs] You what?
85
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,168
[gasps]
86
00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:16,422
[monkeys howling]
87
00:04:18,549 --> 00:04:20,677
[monkey wails]
88
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,345
[all cheering and laughing]
89
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,973
All right! Enough fun.
Now, back to business!
90
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,725
[laughs] Ja, shooting
those damn cannibals!
91
00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,227
Remember, you promised we could!
92
00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:33,690
Don't worry, men, we will kill anyone
who dares to interfere with our mission
93
00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:35,858
to bring the ultimate power
to the fatherland!
94
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,568
-Whoo!
-[Fuchs laughing] Ja!
95
00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:40,863
[all] ♪ It's a long way to Tipperary ♪
96
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,533
♪ It's a long way to go ♪
97
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:44,617
[chittering softly]
98
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:51,291
[chittering]
99
00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:01,301
[screaming]
100
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:05,263
All right already!
Come on, we don't need all this junk!
101
00:05:05,346 --> 00:05:07,974
-That crate is just gin!
-And vermouth!
102
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:09,976
Now, move it, big boy.
103
00:05:10,059 --> 00:05:12,812
We can't let Sterling beat us
to that damn idol.
104
00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:14,188
-[Crackers squawks]
-[women gasp]
105
00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:16,441
-[Crackers] That won't be too hard--
-Goddamn it, bird!
106
00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:17,984
Because he's stuck in quicksand!
107
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:18,985
-What? Where?
-Really?
108
00:05:19,068 --> 00:05:20,695
Quicksand! Pam too!
109
00:05:20,778 --> 00:05:22,864
And I don't know how much time
they have left!
110
00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:25,199
-Before...
-They die!
111
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:27,827
Do you think it's enough time
for us to tootle on over,
112
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:30,747
grab the idol, and then
come back and save them?
113
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:33,207
-No!
-Don't get chippy with me, bird!
114
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:34,208
I'm with her.
115
00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,544
First we secure the idol,
and then we can rescue them.
116
00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,462
Exactly.
117
00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:38,921
For the love of God, woman!
118
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:41,466
Your son is going to die!
119
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,551
Oh, all right!
120
00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:46,387
Take us to the damn quicksand.
121
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:50,099
But I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts
they've already escaped, found the idol,
122
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,143
and are just yukking it up!
123
00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:00,026
-[Pam inhales]
-Don't!
124
00:06:00,651 --> 00:06:03,654
Don't say a word.
I'm mad enough at you as it is.
125
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:10,286
I was gonna say I wonder
what I'm gonna taste like.
126
00:06:10,995 --> 00:06:12,663
[groans]
127
00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:20,505
[children laughing]
128
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:25,968
'Cause this whole crazy thing's
kinda got me thinking about if I'd ever,
129
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,346
you know, like, eat a person.
130
00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:31,557
And not in a starvation-type deal
like the Donner Party or whatever.
131
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:32,934
That goes without saying.
132
00:06:33,017 --> 00:06:35,520
Your fat white ass is pioneer jerky.
133
00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:40,691
I'm talking about where you voluntarily
eat a guy like he's just damn dinner.
134
00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:43,694
Or a woman. Ooh, or a teenage girl.
135
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,279
But I wouldn't want her to get killed
136
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,532
just so I could eat her,
so maybe, I don't know,
137
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:50,243
what if it was one of these native girls'
confirmation or whatever,
138
00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:53,162
so she gets a ceremonial bath,
scrubbed head to toe,
139
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,872
and then her whole body gets shaved...
140
00:06:55,206 --> 00:06:57,166
-Why--
-Shut up. Let me finish.
141
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,795
But then on the way to the ceremony,
this tender, hairless young thing
142
00:07:00,878 --> 00:07:05,341
has a massive yet painless brain aneurysm
and falls into a vat of braising liquid?
143
00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:07,844
-Why the hell would--
-[man laughs] Wow!
144
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:08,845
-What the--
-Huh?
145
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:11,389
You just described, almost word for word,
146
00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:13,891
what's gonna happen to you guys
over the next two days.
147
00:07:13,975 --> 00:07:16,227
I mean, is that goose bumps or what?
148
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:18,146
-Who--
-Uh, except for the aneurysm.
149
00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:19,689
Who the hell are you?
150
00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:21,607
-I'm Noah.
-Besso ekla baht!
151
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:24,444
-[laughter]
-Ek eklan oki!
152
00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:25,820
Wait. You speak their language?
153
00:07:25,903 --> 00:07:28,448
Uh, yeah, I should hope so.
154
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,324
I mean, I've been here
almost four years now, so--
155
00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:33,077
Four years? So there's no way to escape?
156
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,079
Um... Well, I suppose...
157
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,456
Well, there's probably...
158
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:39,584
Oh, gosh, I mean... I don't know.
159
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:42,003
What do you mean you don't know, idiot?
Haven't you even tried?
160
00:07:42,086 --> 00:07:44,797
[chuckling] Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm not their captive.
161
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:47,675
I'm doing my doctoral dissertation
on the Mua Mua.
162
00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:48,926
I'm an anthropologist.
163
00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:51,262
-What? A spider scientist?
-What?
164
00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:54,098
-That's an arachnologist.
-Like you would know!
165
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,434
No, no, it is. An anthropologist--
166
00:07:56,517 --> 00:07:58,186
I know what an anthropologist is!
167
00:07:58,269 --> 00:07:59,812
-No, he doesn't.
-Nobody does!
168
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:03,691
An anthropologist studies human beings
and their societies and cultures.
169
00:08:03,774 --> 00:08:06,611
-The Mua Mua, for example...
-Zakila gizona!
170
00:08:06,694 --> 00:08:08,571
-Ek ezan oki!
-[laughter]
171
00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:10,740
-...are assholes.
-Yeah, right?
172
00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:12,825
So then how about it, man? Help us escape.
173
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,368
-Yeah!
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
174
00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:17,038
I couldn't do that.
I... I'm here to document.
175
00:08:17,121 --> 00:08:18,956
-I can't interfere.
-What?
176
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,167
Even after they ate your goddamn arm?
177
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:24,504
Oh, yeah. Man, that was really--
178
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:25,713
-Eggelak!
-[laughter]
179
00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:27,048
Dongay emakume!
180
00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:31,093
-What is she saying?
-[sighs] That I taste like chicken.
181
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,304
Which to them is, like, the worst.
182
00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:35,556
[conch shell bellowing]
183
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,266
-What the--
-What's that?
184
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,393
Oh, uh, okay. Uh, well, I gotta go.
185
00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,646
Uh, maybe I'll see you guys later,
or maybe not.
186
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:43,439
-Okay, bye!
-Wait! What was that?
187
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,524
[Noah] Nothing!
188
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:48,528
I think it was something.
189
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:49,904
-No shit.
-Yep.
190
00:08:49,987 --> 00:08:52,114
Well, if we get out of this alive somehow,
191
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:54,617
we should definitely open
a detective agency.
192
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,202
Ooh!
193
00:08:57,703 --> 00:09:00,122
Aw, damn, but we're not
getting out alive, huh?
194
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,749
-Noop.
-[sighs]
195
00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:02,833
[Malory] Well?
196
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,460
Where the hell are they, bird?
197
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:05,920
[Crackers stammering] I don't get it.
198
00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:08,005
They were right here,
up to their necks in it.
199
00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:09,674
I oughta wring your neck!
200
00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:11,175
This was all just a ruse.
201
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,176
-A what?
-A ruse?
202
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,595
-A ruse!
-He set me up!
203
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,223
This mite-riddled bird's just stalling us
204
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:19,517
so that Sterling
can get to the idol first.
205
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:20,893
-Seriously?
-Whoa!
206
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:24,480
First of all, I am... almost mite-free.
207
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,816
And B, I swear they were right here!
208
00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:28,568
Oh, go eat worms!
209
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:31,404
Come on, Reynaud.
We can still beat him if we hurry.
210
00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:35,241
Look! There's boot prints
coming up out of the quicksand!
211
00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:36,784
-[Malory] Really?
-[Crackers] Ha! Yes!
212
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:39,453
[gasps] And here's
another set of boot prints!
213
00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:40,913
And over there, there,
214
00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:43,749
there's all these different sets
of bare footprints,
215
00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:45,876
pretty muscular by the looks of them.
216
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:46,877
"Muscular"?
217
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:52,258
And here, this trail is two barefoot men
carrying a load between them,
218
00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:53,676
probably on, like, a pole or something.
219
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:56,846
See, they're, like, six feet apart.
That's about the size of a man.
220
00:09:56,929 --> 00:09:58,931
Or a party sub. Look, can we just--
221
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,017
Shut up! Do you think it was--
222
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:03,144
Yes! It was clearly Archer!
223
00:10:03,227 --> 00:10:07,148
And then here's a trail of four men
carrying a much, much heavier load.
224
00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:08,816
Ooh, which I bet was Pam!
225
00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:12,320
Mon Dieu!
Can it be les cannibales?
226
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:14,113
[gasps] Oh, my God!
227
00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:15,948
Well, but since they're
out of the quicksand--
228
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:17,992
And about to be eaten!
229
00:10:18,075 --> 00:10:20,036
We have to follow this trail
and rescue them.
230
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:21,495
No, no, no, uh-uh.
231
00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:24,206
As your princess,
I demand we get the idol first.
232
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,750
As whose princess?
233
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:26,751
-Yeah, right?
-Exactement.
234
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:28,461
[gasps] Et tu, Doudou?
235
00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:33,633
So we're just gonna go gallivanting
through this deadly jungle
236
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:36,469
because this dodo says
she can see a trail?
237
00:10:36,552 --> 00:10:38,804
Do you seriously not? It's so obvious.
238
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:41,641
Then let's go! Come on, Lady Baltimore.
239
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:49,523
[Charlotte] Ew, look!
This guy has ringworm!
240
00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:51,525
[Pam] So where do you think
everybody went?
241
00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:55,279
Who knows? Probably taking a vote
on what sides to serve us with.
242
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,490
-Ooh!
-But I'm not sticking around to find out.
243
00:10:57,573 --> 00:10:59,617
Well, unless you know
something I don't--
244
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:00,868
What, besides everything?
245
00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:03,204
-Oh, hardy-har.
-[scoffs]
246
00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:05,956
Including, look!
There's a piece of whatchamacallit...
247
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,583
-Ob... Obsidian!
-So?
248
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,752
So we can cut the ropes with it, dummy.
249
00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:13,005
If I can just scrooch down the pole,
250
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:14,924
-I can--
-Get a splinter in your ass?
251
00:11:15,007 --> 00:11:15,841
I'm not gonna get a sp--
252
00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,344
[groans and whimpers]
253
00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:19,762
-Goddamn it.
-[chuckles]
254
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:22,973
We'll see how funny [grunts]
you think it is
255
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:24,517
when I leave you here.
256
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:25,684
[chuckling] Oh.
257
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,728
Does that mean we're not getting married?
258
00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:29,563
You know, first of all, that was...
259
00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,482
I just wanted you to die happy.
260
00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:32,691
Ha!
261
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:36,529
And two, I'm about this close
to getting a new Goddamn sidekick.
262
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:38,030
How is this Crackers' fault?
263
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:42,701
-Wha... Not Crackers! You!
-You think I'm the sidekick?
264
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:45,121
-Yes, Lennie!
-[gasps]
265
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:46,414
Well?
266
00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:49,208
-Cut me loose.
-I will.
267
00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:53,254
-But only because I choose to.
-Well, bully for you.
268
00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:55,005
And while you're at it,
269
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:57,425
you can leave one hand
tied behind my back.
270
00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:59,802
-Why?
-So I can whip your ass fairly.
271
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,179
Oh, my God, you are such a Lennie!
272
00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:04,432
Well, if we get out of this bullshit...
273
00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:07,977
If we do, it's only because I unleashed
the power of obsidian!
274
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,187
You won't have ol' Pam
to kick around any more,
275
00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:11,355
because...
276
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:14,817
Shh, stop. Stop it. Stop cutting.
277
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,610
-What?
-[clears throat]
278
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:18,571
Is your dick hard?
279
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:20,865
No.
280
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:25,161
Then what is touching my ass?
281
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:28,122
-Also nothing.
-Oh, for the... Ew!
282
00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:31,333
-No, no, no, no, no, no, wait!
-Dude, that is a hard dick.
283
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:34,003
-It's not that hard.
-[laughing] Oh, please.
284
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:35,337
I bet it hasn't been that hard
285
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,423
since the time the army
checked you for a hernia.
286
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:39,216
I told you that in confidence!
287
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,511
Yeah, well,
I ain't your priest. [chuckles]
288
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,263
Speaking of hard dicks.
289
00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:47,016
[gasps] I also told you
that in confidence!
290
00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:49,852
[laughing]
291
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:55,774
[Archer] Oh, don't flatter yourself!
It was just a reflex!
292
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:56,775
[Pam] Uh-huh.
293
00:12:56,859 --> 00:13:00,029
An involuntary biological response
to physical and visual stimuli.
294
00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:02,656
Well, then I hope to God this helps.
295
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,158
Ka-kow!
296
00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:07,495
[chuckles] Yeah, that's...
Wait. What's the opposite of stimuli?
297
00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:10,331
-That.
-It's not supposed to be sexy.
298
00:13:10,414 --> 00:13:12,416
It's protective, in case there's thorns.
299
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,418
[chuckling] Okay, Master Coconut.
300
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:15,544
Nobody gets that!
301
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:18,005
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What do you think you're doing?
302
00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:21,008
Making piña coladas.
What the hell's it look like we're doing?
303
00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:23,511
Uh... I genuinely don't know.
304
00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,846
-We're escaping!
-Wait. What? No!
305
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:29,391
-No, you can't! I'll be punished!
-Not if you're dead.
306
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,101
Well... [chuckles nervously]
You say that--
307
00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:34,563
Hey, buddy, no shit, she will kill you
like an innocent baby rabbit.
308
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:35,606
Goddamn it!
309
00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:36,941
So what's the best way out of here?
310
00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:38,776
[conch shell bellowing]
311
00:13:38,859 --> 00:13:41,362
Well, that's the thing.
There isn't one now.
312
00:13:41,445 --> 00:13:44,615
The conch is telling the Mua Mua warriors
to prepare for battle.
313
00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:45,533
What? Why?
314
00:13:45,616 --> 00:13:47,451
Well, apparently a scout
saw another group
315
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,245
of warriors headed toward the village!
316
00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:50,996
What other warriors?
317
00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:57,211
I swear to God, if those cannibals
don't have a bar, I may literally die.
318
00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:58,712
Oh, my God, and an oyster bar.
319
00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:02,258
I can pretty much guarantee
they don't have either of those things.
320
00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:04,718
[sighs] Savages.
321
00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:06,428
Well, you two idiots can stick around
322
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:10,015
to find out and then get eaten,
but I'm gonna go find that Goddamn idol.
323
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:13,269
Wait. What idol?
You mean the tupua?
324
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,188
-Whatever it's called. I--
-How do you know where it is?
325
00:14:17,147 --> 00:14:18,607
-We got a map.
-Whoa!
326
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,526
A secret map that is a secret!
327
00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:21,944
Pff! Who's he gonna tell?
328
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:26,991
Oh, man, the tupua would be the
greatest archaeological find of the...
329
00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:29,660
Well, probably just the past
couple of years, but still!
330
00:14:29,743 --> 00:14:32,454
-Still what? You're not coming!
-Oh, come on!
331
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,415
-I... I know the jungle.
-No.
332
00:14:34,498 --> 00:14:37,418
I... I can read any native petroglyphs
we might find.
333
00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:38,335
No, I said!
334
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:40,045
I know how to get past
all the giant boulders
335
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,463
and poison darts and stuff.
336
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:45,259
The do what now?
337
00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:47,595
-Yeah, do, huh?
-Oh, man, yeah.
338
00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:49,889
The legends all say the tupua
is hidden deep inside
339
00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:53,475
a labyrinth of shafts and tunnels
just packed with deadly booby traps.
340
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,436
-So...
-That's why you gotta know
341
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:56,562
your petroglyphs.
342
00:14:56,645 --> 00:14:58,981
Okay, change of plans.
You're coming with us!
343
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,232
Yeah!
344
00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:02,568
Oh, wait. Hang on. Hang on. I... I don't...
345
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:04,987
I don't have to wear one of those, do I?
346
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:08,616
[Malory] And can we stop and rest awhile?
347
00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:10,993
I think my electrolyte levels are low.
348
00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:13,037
-[coughs] Gin levels.
-Also.
349
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,539
No, I think we're getting
close to a village or something.
350
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,875
Look, there's a ton
of footprints around here.
351
00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:19,543
-[Malory] Oh, mon Dieu!
-[Reynaud] Zut alors!
352
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,629
Plus this?
353
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:24,089
[sighs]
354
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:27,009
Well, as long as we're close.
355
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,345
Please! I can't leave
without my dissertation.
356
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:30,721
Yes, you can. Now, come on!
357
00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:32,389
It's four years of writing!
358
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:34,266
Plus, I had to make
the paper from scratch.
359
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:35,559
-Ay!
-[Noah] Oh, my God!
360
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,478
-Kekkozat?
-What? Oh, no, shh!
361
00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:38,854
-Kekkozat!
-No, shh!
362
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,564
Punch her in the face.
363
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:41,523
-What?
-Kekkozat!
364
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:42,816
Punch her in the face!
365
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,485
I can't punch an old lady... Ow!
366
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:46,445
Dongay ekakume! [grunts]
367
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,697
-Whoa!
-Yeah, not cool.
368
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,115
What? But you just told me to--
369
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:51,992
Lakundu! Lakundu!
370
00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:53,744
Lakundu!
371
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:54,662
[conch shell bellowing]
372
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:57,081
-[people yelling]
-Now can we go, please?
373
00:15:57,164 --> 00:16:01,168
But my dissertation!
Actually had kind of a weak premise.
374
00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:02,836
Ketak!
375
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:03,837
Ketakalak!
376
00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:06,256
[people yelling]
377
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:07,508
Batu! Batu! Batu!
378
00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:10,469
[all yelling]
379
00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:13,847
Goddamn it! Eat a dick, cannibals!
380
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:17,101
It's funny you say that. Actually...
381
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:20,062
-It's a figure of speech, Noah!
-No, let him finish!
382
00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:21,522
Oh, my God!
383
00:16:21,605 --> 00:16:24,608
I was gonna say that
they don't eat the penis.
384
00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:27,611
-The testicles, though...
-Nok geziak!
385
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:28,988
Lakana!
386
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:30,906
[all yelling]
387
00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:36,620
[urine trickling]
388
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:38,288
[whispering] In there.
389
00:16:39,623 --> 00:16:42,543
[Fuchs] Schmidt! Was dauert so lange?
390
00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:44,837
[laughs] Weil mein Schwanz so lang ist.
391
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,296
[Fuchs] Nun beeile dich!
392
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:49,091
Ja, ja. Komm runter, Junge.
393
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,274
[groans]
394
00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:08,694
Seriously?
395
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:10,362
Scheisse!
396
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:13,282
[Fuchs] Was, hast du auf
deine Schuhe gepisst?
397
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:14,992
[men laughing]
398
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:18,203
[Fuchs] Schmidt?
[Pam] What the hell?
399
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:19,747
-Why'd you do that?
-Guys?
400
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:23,542
-What? He was gonna wipe 'em out.
-Yeah, problem solved.
401
00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:25,044
-Guys?
-[both] What?
402
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,628
[clears throat]
403
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:32,176
He wants us to come with him.
404
00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:34,762
-Gee, thanks, Noah.
-Oh, you're welcome.
405
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:40,726
[Fuchs] Zwei Maenner,
gehen und finden Schmidt!
406
00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:44,229
Eh? Zakila koko?
407
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:47,274
He wants to know why you stuffed
your genitals into a coconut.
408
00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:50,152
Because I hate this Goddamn island!
409
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:54,990
Zu laguna Mua Mua.
410
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,116
[Noah] Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
411
00:17:56,241 --> 00:18:00,370
He says you saved their lives,
so now you're friends of the Mua Mua.
412
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,539
Batu baruka zu zaku.
413
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:05,584
And that together,
we will kill these white devils.
414
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:07,836
-Nik andu.
-Uh, no offense.
415
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:11,090
-None taken?
-Teko besta.
416
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:15,385
-And then we'll have a huge feast.
-[groans] Ekari zim.
417
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:18,222
Oh, my gosh! Really? Wow!
418
00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:22,059
-What?
-[sighs] Well, he said even I can come.
419
00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:23,977
Do you not normally go to the feasts?
420
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:26,688
Oh, no, no. God, no.
421
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:29,108
They're... super racist.
422
00:18:32,402 --> 00:18:35,948
Well, guess you can find out
what a human being tastes like after all.
423
00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:40,202
Oh, man, and this is probably
gonna sound weird, but I could kinda eat.
424
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:44,039
-A person?
-Not a whole person, asshole.
425
00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:47,793
But maybe, like, a drumstick?
426
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:52,881
[theme music playing]
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