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1
00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:36,119
[panting]
2
00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:40,457
[gun cocks]
3
00:01:09,528 --> 00:01:10,696
[glass shatters]
4
00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,131
[bone cracking]
5
00:01:49,985 --> 00:01:50,986
Sting!
6
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,405
Sting, open up! It's Bieber!
7
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,199
Sting! Come on. Sting!
8
00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:58,535
It's Bieber, bro! Open the door!
9
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:00,370
Oh, fudge!
10
00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:15,719
You can't kill us all.
11
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,471
We will protect the Chosen One.
12
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,742
[shutter clicks]
13
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:39,803
Peace out, world.
14
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,012
Peace out.
15
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:03,410
Valentina, he was
pronounced dead 13 minutes ago.
16
00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:05,203
I can't believe it.
17
00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:06,621
Justin Bieber?
18
00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:08,457
No.
19
00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:13,545
The sixth pop star
to die in the last year.
20
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:18,258
And all with that look.
21
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:22,179
[Filippo] As if they were
trying to tell us something.
22
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,431
That look.
23
00:04:27,309 --> 00:04:29,352
There's only one person on Earth
24
00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:31,229
who would know
how to interpret this look.
25
00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:33,440
It's a dead end, Valentina.
26
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:35,150
No one has seen
that man in years.
27
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,070
Then God help us all.
28
00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:54,795
"Shocking." "Stupefying."
29
00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,255
"Something out of
a Hollywood disaster movie."
30
00:04:57,589 --> 00:04:59,758
Just a few of the ways
New Yorkers described
31
00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:02,511
what happened today,
as Derek Zoolander's
32
00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:04,054
Center for Kids
Who Can't Read Good
33
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:06,765
and Who Wanna Learn to Do
Other Stuff Good, Too
34
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:09,810
literally collapsed
into the East River
35
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,938
only two days after
its official opening.
36
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:15,106
Students and teachers
were evacuated.
37
00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:18,777
And while Zoolander and his son,
Derek Jr., were unharmed,
38
00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:22,113
sadly, his wife,
Matilda Jeffries-Zoolander,
39
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,157
has reportedly died.
40
00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:25,742
[Derek coughing]
41
00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:29,162
I just feel lucky no one
from my family was hurt!
42
00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:30,622
[reporters clamoring]
43
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:32,707
She was crushed by the book?
44
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,503
[Jim Lehrer]
A vigil is being held tonight
45
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:39,714
for the other chisel-cheeked
lion of the modeling kingdom,
46
00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:42,050
Hansel, who is reported
to have sustained
47
00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:44,970
permanent injury
to his breath-taking face
48
00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:47,931
after being trapped
beneath a burning beam.
49
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:50,392
[Christiane Amanpour] Although
authorities are still investigating,
50
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:52,978
the cause of the disaster
is believed to be
51
00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:55,438
Zoolander's
mind-boggling decision
52
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,357
to build the reading center
53
00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,610
out of the actual materials
that were used to construct
54
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,363
the original
architectural model.
55
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,032
[Jane Pauley] Clothing designer
Jacob Moogberg,
56
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:08,243
AKA Jacobim Mugatu,
57
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:11,079
was sentenced today
to two consecutive life terms
58
00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:13,707
in a maximum
security fashion prison
59
00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:16,001
for his role in
the attempted assassination
60
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:17,419
of the Malaysian Prime Minister.
61
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:19,588
[Joe Scarborough]
His co-conspirator, modeling agent
62
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,882
Maury Ballstein,
turned state's witness...
63
00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:24,593
I'll give you anything
you want on that fakakta fink.
64
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:28,430
...in exchange for relocation in
the Witness Protection Program.
65
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:32,809
Back in the news tonight,
former model, negligent builder,
66
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:35,645
now unfit parent,
Derek Zoolander...
67
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,480
This footage was taken
by a neighbor
68
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:40,191
across from
Zoolander's SoHo loft.
69
00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:42,611
DJ, how did Mommy
make it soft?
70
00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:43,945
[sobbing]
71
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:46,031
[Don Lemon]
The Child Protection Agency
72
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,116
removed Zoolander's son,
Derek Jr.,
73
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,827
late last night in
a daring midnight raid,
74
00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:53,079
placing him in
the custody of the state.
75
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,041
...which is why
it pains me to say
76
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:58,919
that effective immediately,
I will retire from modeling
77
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,797
and live alone as a hermit crab.
78
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,468
I will now be anonymous,
and known only as...
79
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,428
Eric...
80
00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:10,347
Toolander.
81
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:13,850
[Matt Lauer]
And finally tonight,
82
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,810
here's something
to make you feel old.
83
00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:17,395
Incredible as it may sound,
84
00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:21,149
of the over 3.7 million
high school graduates this year,
85
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:24,653
less than two percent could
tell you what a fax machine is,
86
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:26,655
name a Caucasian President,
87
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,741
or know who Derek Zoolander was.
88
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:32,953
[echoing] Was... Was... Was...
89
00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:41,086
[wind howling]
90
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,387
[whistling]
91
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,690
[cabin floor creaks]
92
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:08,613
[knock on door]
93
00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:12,659
Go away.
94
00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:15,203
[man] Derek! Open up, it's me.
95
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,123
I'm sorry, traveler,
you must have lost your way.
96
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:19,749
No one lives here by that name.
97
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,419
Right. Sorry. I mean, Eric.
98
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:23,878
I've got your mail.
99
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:39,352
Billy Zane. It's been years.
100
00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,188
Where's my regular
mail person, Ingvar?
101
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,648
He couldn't make it.
102
00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:46,109
I was in the neighborhood,
I thought I'd stop by.
103
00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:48,820
Got your Netflix.
104
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,282
Whoa, Jack Ryan.
105
00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:54,242
And Jack Reacher.
106
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,411
Tonight's gonna be
a total Jack-off.
107
00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:59,039
You have something else here.
108
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:04,002
-What is it?
-Open it.
109
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,812
Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.
110
00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:25,023
Are you a Boxtroll?
111
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,442
That's Alexanya Atoz,
112
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,195
owner of the largest
fashion empire in the world.
113
00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:35,450
Because you are one of
the world's true fishion icons,
114
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:40,747
I have personal selected you
to come to Rome,
115
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:43,625
the Eternal City,
116
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:46,419
to model my nowest collection
117
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:49,672
by my hoottest now designer...
118
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,383
Don Atari.
119
00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:54,177
Who?
120
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:55,970
Don Atari.
121
00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:58,014
He's "it" in fashion right now.
122
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,849
People would die
to be in his show.
123
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:01,392
I can't.
124
00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:03,937
I'm a hermit crab now.
125
00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:05,814
Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder--
126
00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:07,357
I already told you!
127
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,234
It's like you're not
even listening to me!
128
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:17,325
Derek, uh...
129
00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:18,910
Eric.
130
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:23,039
Maybe it's time to engage
with the world again.
131
00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:26,042
Think about it, man.
This could be a sign.
132
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:28,670
And what if it's
a stop sign, Billy?
133
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:32,966
I used to be a successful
model/fashion icon.
134
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,886
Now I'm just a model/failure.
135
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:41,224
Slash-guy who is
still a model/father.
136
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,643
Slash-guy who killed his wife
137
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:46,229
using cheap building materials
that collapsed on her.
138
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:51,359
Slash-guy who has got to stop
beating himself up about that!
139
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,987
Slash-guy who couldn't
make spaghetti soft,
140
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,196
so they took away his son,
141
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,824
so-slash-now he's alone
and hiding from the world.
142
00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:00,577
Slash.
143
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:05,957
Slash-have you ever
even tried to get your son back?
144
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,503
You can do that?
145
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,089
Yeah. You'd hire a litigator,
146
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,507
he files
the appropriate paperwork...
147
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,134
But I don't even
know where he is.
148
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:18,469
First things first.
149
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:22,849
If you take this job
that Alexanya's offering you,
150
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:24,976
you could prove
to Child Services
151
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,562
that you're a productive
member of society again.
152
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:30,899
Go to Rome.
153
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,610
Find yourself.
154
00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:37,197
Become the father
you were meant to be...
155
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:40,033
and get your boy back.
156
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,297
Safe journey, my friend!
157
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,508
Thanks, Billy!
158
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:48,685
What have you got?
159
00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:59,112
Ball and chain not happy.
160
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,500
Sorry I'm late! Oh, my gosh.
161
00:13:13,251 --> 00:13:14,961
I was finishing up Shavasana
162
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,839
and this sandstorm
kicked up out of nowhere.
163
00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:19,507
I'm okay, though.
164
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,093
Ah, Natalka, you look beautiful.
165
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:23,886
Really?
166
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:25,722
Yes, really.
167
00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,308
Dinner is ruined.
168
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,229
Guys, I told you
not to wait for me, didn't I?
169
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,647
Remember, we talked about this.
170
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:36,774
Can't we just take it slow?
171
00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:38,693
When I met you guys
two years ago,
172
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,945
it was the best orgy of my life.
173
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,573
Let's get back to that feeling.
174
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,783
-It's there.
-[bleats]
175
00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:47,785
[man] Hansel.
176
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:52,665
Every relationship
has to evolve.
177
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,127
And somehow, you've managed
to stay the same.
178
00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,547
But you're gonna
have to change, my man.
179
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:02,008
"Cause change, she is a-comin'."
180
00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:03,718
What?
181
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:12,935
Natalka.
182
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:20,151
All of you?
183
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,700
How is this even possible?
184
00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:29,827
We thought you'd be happy.
185
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:32,663
Well, I, I am happy.
186
00:14:32,747 --> 00:14:34,165
That, I...
187
00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:37,668
It's just a lot to process,
and that's what I'm doing...
188
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,212
To be honest,
189
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:42,048
I've never seen myself
in this role, you know, as a...
190
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:43,466
You mean a father?
191
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,552
Well... Uh... I...
192
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:48,638
Let me... I want to check on...
193
00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:50,515
on the camel here.
194
00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:01,275
Who am I?
195
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:05,863
Who am I?
196
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:08,241
[Billy] Hey, Hansel!
197
00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:13,079
Billy Zane?
198
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:15,873
Got your Netflix.
199
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,501
And this.
200
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,217
[jet engine roars]
201
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,358
-[Derek] Thanks very much.
-[Hansel] No, it's my bag.
202
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:45,486
-Excuse me, I think that's...
-No, trust me, this is my bag.
203
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:48,156
-Just look at the ticket right here.
-Hansel.
204
00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:49,991
Never heard of him, honcho.
205
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:52,618
Look right here at the ticket
and you can see that--
206
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,830
Derek Zoolander.
207
00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:01,127
Hi. It's been a long time.
208
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,546
Yeah. Not long enough.
209
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,675
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I think I should peace.
210
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,177
Wait a minute!
211
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:11,012
We haven't seen
each other since--
212
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:14,348
Since the building you designed
fell on my face and ruined my career?
213
00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:15,725
Yeah, it's been a while.
214
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,852
It was an accident.
I didn't mean to--
215
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:21,063
You didn't mean to build the support
beams out of popsicle sticks
216
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,191
and highly flammable
rubber cement?
217
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:25,401
-That was just a little accident?
-Yeah.
218
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,863
This is it. Forever.
219
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:30,531
Because I promise you,
220
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:33,868
this is the last time
we will ever see each other.
221
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,411
Right here, this moment.
222
00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:37,705
Goodbye forever.
223
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:39,540
Works for me.
224
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,468
[reporters clamoring]
225
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,013
Hope you're not an epiplectic,
226
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:55,473
because we're about
to get blinded.
227
00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:56,891
Yep. Here we go.
228
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,729
[reporter]
Susan Boyle, right here!
229
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:04,649
Take a picture of that!
230
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,359
Vultures!
231
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:11,155
I guess with my beard
and your disgusting face,
232
00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:12,490
they don't know who we are.
233
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,200
[VIP] Derek! Hansel!
234
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:16,452
Hey, boys. I'm VIP.
235
00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:20,122
-VIP?
-Yeah.
236
00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:22,208
I'm in charge of social media
for Don Atari.
237
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,043
I've been working for him
since I was ten.
238
00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:25,586
How old are you now?
239
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,089
Eleven. Should we go
to the hotel?
240
00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:32,677
["Hit the Road Jack" playing]
241
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,398
Pretty strange, you and I
both getting called back
242
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:47,316
to the big stage like this.
243
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:50,278
A gig's a gig. I'm just
doing this to get my son back.
244
00:17:51,362 --> 00:17:54,323
Explain how doing a fashion show's
gonna accomplish that.
245
00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:57,952
Simple. Child Services
hears I'm working again,
246
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,496
KKK a responsible parent,
247
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,248
and they give me my son back.
248
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:04,292
Responsible parent?
249
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,043
What? You don't think
I could be one?
250
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:08,838
No, it just brings up
some junk from the past.
251
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,047
I didn't have a father.
252
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:11,882
It's kind of my
big issue right now.
253
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,302
-You didn't have a father?
-Nah.
254
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:18,180
All my mom ever told me
was my dad was a beat cop.
255
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,017
Always on the road.
256
00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:23,686
The road away
from little Hansel.
257
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:35,448
Valentina. You're going
to want to see this.
258
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,703
[speaking Italian]
259
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:45,416
Check out Mr. Disco, Barry Gibb.
260
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,421
Zoolander is in Rome?
261
00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:03,351
Welcome to the Palazzo D'Caca.
262
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,311
The entire hotel
is biodegradable
263
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:06,979
and made from
reclaimed human waste.
264
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,566
This is the ultra-exclusive,
fully-toxic,
265
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,318
zero-footprint suite.
266
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:14,403
The masseuses at the spa
are all homeless.
267
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,198
And the hotel has complimentary
farm-to-table Wi-Fi.
268
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:20,284
-Wait, we're rooming together?
-Mm-hmm.
269
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,161
There must be some mistake.
270
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:23,663
I'll call Billy Zane.
271
00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:24,830
Good idea.
272
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:26,415
[beeping]
273
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,793
Look, tiny phone!
That is so retro.
274
00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:30,419
I'm gonna take a picture of it
with my phone.
275
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:31,545
[shutter clicks]
276
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,547
[Billy] This is Billy Zane.
I'm not here right...
277
00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:36,092
Well, Don Atari is waiting
for you down in the lobby.
278
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:38,427
Oh, and don't
drink the water or you'll die.
279
00:19:42,807 --> 00:19:45,184
-I just have one question.
-Yeah?
280
00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:48,854
What in the world
is farm-to-table Wi-Fi?
281
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:52,858
You're asking me?
Muchacho, I have no idea.
282
00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:54,694
-For serious?
-No!
283
00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:56,696
Because when VIP said that,
you had this look on your face
284
00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:58,656
like, "I totally know
what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!"
285
00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,950
I was just acting cool
'cause I thought you knew.
286
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,493
I thought you knew!
287
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:05,454
No, I just didn't want VIP
to think I was uncool!
288
00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:09,417
I miss not knowing things
with you.
289
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,794
Yeah. Me too.
290
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,546
Why didn't we do this sooner?
291
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:14,964
Because we've
both been in hiding
292
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,508
since the day I killed my wife
and permanently disfigured you.
293
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:19,468
Oh, yeah, that's probably it.
294
00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:23,472
That was the day
I lost the fire.
295
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,765
The fire?
296
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,101
The fire in my face.
297
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:30,479
It's kind of
my big issue right now.
298
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:34,275
You still got it, D-Zone.
You're Derek Zoolander.
299
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:37,820
You stopped a Chinese throwing star
in mid-air with a look.
300
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:41,574
I was there.
301
00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,618
[softly] That's not me anymore.
302
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:46,078
Yes, it is.
303
00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:48,873
Hey, flash me
that beautiful look.
304
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:52,042
-Give me that incredible Magnum.
-No.
305
00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:55,337
-Think fast. Magnum.
-Wait, no!
306
00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:56,422
Magnum! Now!
307
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:01,302
Come on! You got this,
but you got to focus!
308
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,388
-Come on!
-Hansel, stop!
309
00:21:04,472 --> 00:21:06,140
-You have this! Yeah!
-[groans]
310
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:07,975
Maybe we could try a wash cloth?
311
00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:09,602
-Tequila!
-Hansel, no!
312
00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:10,728
[groans]
313
00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:13,189
No! It's not working!
314
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,357
[sighs] You're right.
315
00:21:20,863 --> 00:21:22,656
What happened to us?
316
00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:25,701
You mean me.
317
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,121
You still have it.
318
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:30,873
No, I don't.
319
00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:32,958
Look at this face.
It's a horror show.
320
00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:40,925
Come on, Hansel.
It can't be that bad.
321
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,051
It is.
322
00:21:43,052 --> 00:21:44,261
-Take off your mask.
-No.
323
00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:45,638
No way.
324
00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:48,140
No one's ever seen me
without this mask.
325
00:21:48,516 --> 00:21:49,892
[whispering]
And no one ever will.
326
00:21:51,352 --> 00:21:52,812
I think I know the real you.
327
00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:55,856
And it has nothing to do
with the way you look.
328
00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:58,317
You mean that?
329
00:21:58,567 --> 00:21:59,902
Of course I do.
330
00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:01,570
Okay.
331
00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:08,619
No!
It's disgusting! Put it back!
332
00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:11,038
I was wrong, please, put the mask
back on! It's so gross!
333
00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:13,249
I can't be friends with you
if you look like that! Please!
334
00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:15,709
[gags] It is so disgusting!
Please put it back!
335
00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:17,461
Please, Hansel, put it back,
I was wrong!
336
00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:19,797
No. This feels good.
337
00:22:20,214 --> 00:22:21,715
Could you please
put the mask back on
338
00:22:21,799 --> 00:22:23,509
so I can concentrate on
what you're saying?
339
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:25,845
No! I'm done hiding.
340
00:22:26,554 --> 00:22:29,431
Look, there's only one way
for us to find ourselves.
341
00:22:29,515 --> 00:22:30,641
Know what that is?
342
00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:33,644
Look inward and connect
with our authentic truth?
343
00:22:34,144 --> 00:22:36,689
No. I was gonna say
become the two biggest,
344
00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:38,107
hottest models
in the world again.
345
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:39,316
Okay.
346
00:22:39,817 --> 00:22:42,069
Okay. So what say
we get you cleaned up,
347
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:43,737
shave that Billy goat beard,
348
00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:47,408
go downstairs, and show these punks
what real fashion looks like?
349
00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:25,946
[glass clatters]
350
00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:29,950
Oh, my God. Yes, dude!
351
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,370
Yes! You guys look so lame.
I love it, dude.
352
00:23:33,621 --> 00:23:35,915
You ninjas dressed up
all old-school just to meet me.
353
00:23:35,998 --> 00:23:38,334
So Jedi. You guys suck.
Both of you guys suck.
354
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:39,793
You look great, huh.
355
00:23:40,544 --> 00:23:41,545
Thanks.
356
00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:43,964
I'm Don Atari. What up?
357
00:23:44,924 --> 00:23:46,050
What up, Hansel?
358
00:23:46,342 --> 00:23:48,636
[laughing] Yeah.
That's sick, dude.
359
00:23:48,719 --> 00:23:50,679
Wait a minute.
"I'll call Billy..."
360
00:23:51,388 --> 00:23:52,389
I just said that!
361
00:23:53,182 --> 00:23:55,100
I know.
Like, 15 minutes ago, right?
362
00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:57,019
VIP told me,
so I made these retro shirts
363
00:23:57,102 --> 00:23:58,687
with your old catchphrase
on it, dude.
364
00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:00,522
Cool.
365
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:02,441
Hey, let me introduce
my collective, dude.
366
00:24:02,524 --> 00:24:04,026
They're all losers.
I hate these guys.
367
00:24:04,151 --> 00:24:05,819
We got TRS-80, Kitt...
368
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:07,988
Rubik, my man Gleek.
369
00:24:08,072 --> 00:24:11,283
Hey, this guy gives
the best shitty tattoos ever.
370
00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:13,243
He's a genius.
His tattoos are so stupid.
371
00:24:13,327 --> 00:24:14,954
He's the one who did
my Colonel Sanders.
372
00:24:15,079 --> 00:24:16,455
Look at that, pretty epic, huh?
373
00:24:16,538 --> 00:24:17,998
It sucks. I don't like it, dude.
374
00:24:18,999 --> 00:24:21,377
Why would I do this to myself?
I never wanted this on me.
375
00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:23,796
I love it, dude. I got it
when my grandfather died.
376
00:24:24,254 --> 00:24:25,255
That's really cool.
377
00:24:25,339 --> 00:24:26,924
So, uh, what's the deal
with the show?
378
00:24:27,591 --> 00:24:30,135
Yeah, where do you want us
to fire up this chainsaw?
379
00:24:30,219 --> 00:24:33,389
Colosseum? Trevi Fountain?
Spanish Steps?
380
00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:35,933
What? No way, dude.
381
00:24:36,016 --> 00:24:37,726
Those places
are gnar-gnar bo-bo.
382
00:24:38,227 --> 00:24:40,604
We're holding it in an abandoned
medical waste facility
383
00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:42,272
on top of
an industrial trash heap.
384
00:24:42,356 --> 00:24:44,566
It's totally toxic,
but super chill.
385
00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:47,486
-Cool! Sounds dope.
-Yeah, fresh.
386
00:24:48,028 --> 00:24:49,530
Oh, what?
387
00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:52,074
You guys are like,
"Sounds dope!" "Fresh!"
388
00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:54,994
They're doing the voices
and everything, dude.
389
00:24:55,077 --> 00:24:57,329
I didn't think you guys would
do the voices. That's sick!
390
00:24:57,621 --> 00:24:59,790
"Sounds dope!" "Sounds fresh!"
391
00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:03,669
I don't like you guys.
It's an honor to have you.
392
00:25:04,878 --> 00:25:06,296
♪ B-bang it to the curb ♪
393
00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:09,383
♪ Hit the turn, flip the bird
Bust a bitch, make 'em swerve ♪
394
00:25:09,591 --> 00:25:11,176
♪ B-bang it to the curb ♪
395
00:25:11,593 --> 00:25:14,179
♪ Oh, word, we absurd
Got that fire, we can burn ♪
396
00:25:14,304 --> 00:25:15,848
♪ B-bang it to the curb ♪
397
00:25:15,931 --> 00:25:18,308
♪ Bang it to the curb
Bang it, bang it to the curb ♪
398
00:25:18,392 --> 00:25:20,004
♪ Bang it, bang it to the curb ♪
399
00:25:20,310 --> 00:25:21,478
Hey, yo, retreads!
400
00:25:21,979 --> 00:25:23,647
I want to introduce you all
to my muse,
401
00:25:23,731 --> 00:25:25,315
and basically, like,
the biggest supermodel
402
00:25:25,399 --> 00:25:26,817
in the whole world
right now, dude.
403
00:25:27,234 --> 00:25:28,277
This is All.
404
00:25:29,319 --> 00:25:30,320
All what?
405
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:31,655
We are All.
406
00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:36,285
So, are you, like, a male model
or a female model?
407
00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:38,704
All is not defined
by binary constructs.
408
00:25:39,830 --> 00:25:41,832
That's cool.
I don't like labels either.
409
00:25:42,249 --> 00:25:44,835
But I think he's asking, do you have
a hot dog or a bun?
410
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:48,338
Do you have a wiener
or a vagiener?
411
00:25:49,423 --> 00:25:52,009
All is all to all.
412
00:25:54,136 --> 00:25:56,805
By the way, All just
married hermself, dude.
413
00:25:57,181 --> 00:25:59,224
Monomarriage is
finally legal in Italy.
414
00:25:59,308 --> 00:26:00,642
I support that.
415
00:26:01,143 --> 00:26:02,686
Derek,
that's pretty good, right?
416
00:26:06,106 --> 00:26:08,400
Uh, I'm sorry,
are you not comfortable
417
00:26:08,484 --> 00:26:10,444
with people like All
in the workplace or something?
418
00:26:10,611 --> 00:26:12,321
No. Of course I am.
419
00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:14,364
I mean, like, if your son or whatever
came to you and said,
420
00:26:14,448 --> 00:26:15,783
"Hey, Dad,
I really want to marry All,"
421
00:26:15,866 --> 00:26:17,576
like, wouldn't you
be so stoked for that?
422
00:26:17,743 --> 00:26:19,453
Isn't that, like,
exactly what you want?
423
00:26:19,536 --> 00:26:21,413
Imagine All walking in,
being like,
424
00:26:21,497 --> 00:26:23,123
"We're finally together."
425
00:26:23,248 --> 00:26:25,459
You would be, like,
hella stoked for that, right?
426
00:26:26,168 --> 00:26:27,127
Yeah.
427
00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:29,505
I'd be, like, totally stoked.
428
00:26:30,756 --> 00:26:32,508
All is done here. Atari.
429
00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:34,551
See you, fools.
430
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,387
Guys, Alexanya Atoz is here!
431
00:26:37,471 --> 00:26:38,847
The show must begin now!
432
00:26:41,225 --> 00:26:44,103
Wow. Alexanya Atoz.
433
00:26:44,186 --> 00:26:46,939
They say she doesn't walk.
She just floats.
434
00:26:50,526 --> 00:26:52,111
She looks even better in person.
435
00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:55,989
[electronic music playing]
436
00:27:01,245 --> 00:27:03,872
Ah, I got those juices
flowing again.
437
00:27:08,877 --> 00:27:11,964
Just put us out there.
Let us do our thing.
438
00:27:15,008 --> 00:27:16,093
Come on! Come on!
439
00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:19,221
Chop, chop! Lay down, lay down!
440
00:27:19,388 --> 00:27:22,099
Get in, get in.
Take off your robes.
441
00:27:24,017 --> 00:27:25,435
Go! Go!
442
00:27:26,979 --> 00:27:30,691
Derek! I have a really
good feeling about this.
443
00:27:31,191 --> 00:27:33,152
I know. I feel so alive!
444
00:27:34,236 --> 00:27:35,654
[rumbling]
445
00:27:36,613 --> 00:27:37,906
[evil laugh]
446
00:27:37,990 --> 00:27:39,366
[scary organ music playing]
447
00:27:40,159 --> 00:27:41,910
[both groan]
448
00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:44,496
[crowd gasps]
449
00:27:53,172 --> 00:27:54,298
"Old"?
450
00:27:56,216 --> 00:27:57,384
"La-may"?
451
00:28:05,893 --> 00:28:08,020
-Ha! Yah!
-[both groaning]
452
00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:12,733
Quit it, All!
453
00:28:14,109 --> 00:28:16,570
[Hansel] Hot dog!
It's definitely a hot dog!
454
00:28:17,321 --> 00:28:18,530
All is done.
455
00:28:26,830 --> 00:28:27,706
"Prunes"?
456
00:28:34,338 --> 00:28:36,048
[both screaming]
457
00:28:45,849 --> 00:28:47,517
So let me tell you
what I think worked.
458
00:28:47,601 --> 00:28:50,062
I think we got to shake off
some of the rust.
459
00:28:50,145 --> 00:28:51,647
I was trying out
a few new looks,
460
00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:53,273
although it might
have been hard to see
461
00:28:53,357 --> 00:28:55,567
through all the dates, or,
was it, you know, prunes?
462
00:28:55,651 --> 00:28:57,152
Hansel, are you insane?
463
00:28:57,694 --> 00:28:59,029
We were a joke out there.
464
00:28:59,238 --> 00:29:00,906
A total laughing stick.
465
00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:02,866
What do you want me to say?
I mean, I...
466
00:29:02,950 --> 00:29:05,577
I know we looked like idiots,
but I'm trying to make the best of it!
467
00:29:05,661 --> 00:29:06,703
[Alexanya] Knock, knock!
468
00:29:06,787 --> 00:29:07,913
Not now! We--
469
00:29:12,501 --> 00:29:13,627
You...
470
00:29:14,294 --> 00:29:15,379
two...
471
00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:17,547
were amowzing.
472
00:29:19,091 --> 00:29:22,386
Deryuck, your face
is so handsome.
473
00:29:22,970 --> 00:29:25,764
Und Hansel, so stemmy.
474
00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:29,935
Ridowkulously stemmy
and hyot.
475
00:29:31,311 --> 00:29:33,647
I'm sorry, I can't understand
a word that you're saying.
476
00:29:34,606 --> 00:29:37,150
I want to invite
you to be my gyuests
477
00:29:37,567 --> 00:29:41,571
at the most elite
fishion event in housetory,
478
00:29:42,864 --> 00:29:44,366
the IncrediBall.
479
00:29:45,158 --> 00:29:46,535
Oh, what!
480
00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:48,745
The IncrediBall?
481
00:29:48,829 --> 00:29:50,038
Is that like the Met Ball?
482
00:29:53,500 --> 00:29:56,253
No, sveet, stupid Deryuck.
483
00:29:56,962 --> 00:30:00,549
For the first time
in the housetory of fishion,
484
00:30:00,841 --> 00:30:04,344
all of the most important
designers will come together
485
00:30:04,428 --> 00:30:06,346
under one rureff.
486
00:30:07,389 --> 00:30:09,891
I trust you will be there
487
00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:14,104
with your hyot and stemmy faces.
488
00:30:19,568 --> 00:30:21,445
Dudes. Holy Shazbot! What!
489
00:30:22,404 --> 00:30:24,823
You guys are gonna be
the center-pizzle of IncrediBall!
490
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:26,116
What does that mean?
491
00:30:26,825 --> 00:30:29,369
[indistinct] ...the center-pizzle
of IncrediBall, dude!
492
00:30:31,288 --> 00:30:32,873
That was bananas, Johnny.
493
00:30:37,210 --> 00:30:38,295
I'm done.
494
00:30:38,378 --> 00:30:40,547
What? Derek, what are you
talking about?
495
00:30:40,630 --> 00:30:41,923
Did you not hear
what they just said?
496
00:30:42,007 --> 00:30:43,633
We're going to be the center
of the IncrediBall.
497
00:30:43,884 --> 00:30:46,803
I can only pray that nobody
from Child Services attended the show,
498
00:30:46,887 --> 00:30:48,680
or I'll never get
little Derek back.
499
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:50,349
What about all the attention?
500
00:30:50,432 --> 00:30:52,142
This is exactly
what we were talking about.
501
00:30:52,768 --> 00:30:55,479
No, Hansel. It's exactly
what you were talking about.
502
00:30:56,021 --> 00:30:57,314
We don't fit in anymore.
503
00:30:57,397 --> 00:31:00,817
Don Atari, and All,
and that creepy little VIP!
504
00:31:00,942 --> 00:31:02,652
-I don't want any part of it!
-Derek.
505
00:31:03,570 --> 00:31:04,571
Derek!
506
00:31:05,405 --> 00:31:07,574
Derek! D-Rock!
507
00:31:09,076 --> 00:31:10,702
[engine revving]
508
00:31:12,579 --> 00:31:13,830
[tires screeching]
509
00:31:32,766 --> 00:31:34,142
Derek Zoolander?
510
00:31:34,601 --> 00:31:35,602
Yes.
511
00:31:36,353 --> 00:31:37,729
Valentina Valencia.
512
00:31:38,146 --> 00:31:40,315
Interpol,
Global Fashion Division.
513
00:31:40,565 --> 00:31:42,401
Fashion Police?
We're clean, lady.
514
00:31:42,484 --> 00:31:43,902
Go harass somebody else.
515
00:31:44,236 --> 00:31:46,405
Besides, I'm out of fashion.
516
00:31:47,072 --> 00:31:48,115
I need to talk to you.
517
00:31:49,241 --> 00:31:51,201
It has to do with
the death of Justin Bieber.
518
00:31:51,326 --> 00:31:53,036
His death is not my problem.
519
00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:54,871
Look, I'm trying to find out
520
00:31:54,955 --> 00:31:56,957
who's killing the pop stars
of the world.
521
00:31:57,249 --> 00:31:59,334
And I think
you are my only chance.
522
00:32:00,210 --> 00:32:02,963
What part of "not my problem"
did you not understand?
523
00:32:03,588 --> 00:32:04,589
None of it.
524
00:32:07,008 --> 00:32:09,344
So you did understand the part
about it not being my problem,
525
00:32:09,428 --> 00:32:12,389
or you didn't understand any part
of it not being a part of my problem?
526
00:32:13,723 --> 00:32:15,308
Oh, no, no, Derek.
527
00:32:15,392 --> 00:32:17,811
I think what she's saying is that
she understands what you're saying,
528
00:32:17,894 --> 00:32:21,189
-but she doesn't accept it--
-Hansel! It's all too confusing.
529
00:32:22,023 --> 00:32:23,942
I thought coming here
would help me find myself,
530
00:32:24,025 --> 00:32:25,485
and possibly my son.
531
00:32:25,819 --> 00:32:27,487
But this is more
than I bargained for.
532
00:32:29,156 --> 00:32:32,451
This hermit crab is crawling back
into his planetarium.
533
00:32:34,369 --> 00:32:37,789
I can use the database at Interpol
to help you find your son.
534
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:41,960
If you help me.
535
00:32:44,754 --> 00:32:46,506
I think we got to
play ball with her.
536
00:32:46,590 --> 00:32:48,258
She's got some kind of database
537
00:32:48,341 --> 00:32:49,801
or something that she says
538
00:32:50,218 --> 00:32:52,053
will help us find little Derek.
539
00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:56,975
And she's hot.
540
00:32:57,058 --> 00:32:58,268
I trust her.
541
00:33:09,779 --> 00:33:10,780
[mouthing inaudibly]
542
00:33:11,364 --> 00:33:12,657
[speaking Italian]
543
00:33:26,796 --> 00:33:29,758
[Valentina] So, before Bieber died,
he tweetpic'd this look.
544
00:33:29,925 --> 00:33:32,969
He posted it to the Blogspot
for his summer concert tour.
545
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:35,305
He was trying to send a message.
546
00:33:38,391 --> 00:33:39,851
It's Blue Steel, right?
547
00:33:42,187 --> 00:33:43,688
What are you, a fucking idiot?
548
00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:47,442
Yeah, that's Blue Steel.
549
00:33:48,902 --> 00:33:51,488
My question is, is Interpol
one of those socialist things
550
00:33:51,571 --> 00:33:53,823
where they hire
mentally-impaired people?
551
00:33:53,907 --> 00:33:55,492
I... I know.
552
00:33:56,535 --> 00:33:57,619
That's right.
553
00:33:57,702 --> 00:33:59,496
I heard your mother worked here.
554
00:34:00,247 --> 00:34:01,998
[laughing] Oh, snap!
555
00:34:02,457 --> 00:34:03,375
[hisses]
556
00:34:04,626 --> 00:34:06,253
My mother doesn't work here.
557
00:34:08,129 --> 00:34:09,422
No more games, okay?
558
00:34:09,756 --> 00:34:11,633
Is this Blue Steel or not?
559
00:34:12,175 --> 00:34:13,301
Not even close.
560
00:34:13,969 --> 00:34:16,137
I knew what it was
the moment I saw it.
561
00:34:16,388 --> 00:34:17,973
It's an old one, from the 90s.
562
00:34:18,056 --> 00:34:19,724
It was for a body lotion
campaign I did.
563
00:34:20,350 --> 00:34:21,810
I called it "Aqua Vitae."
564
00:34:22,352 --> 00:34:23,395
[speaking Italian]
565
00:34:25,105 --> 00:34:26,565
[typing]
566
00:34:29,651 --> 00:34:30,986
[soft music playing]
567
00:35:03,143 --> 00:35:04,936
Young forever.
568
00:35:05,020 --> 00:35:07,522
Moo!
569
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:14,279
Still holds up.
570
00:35:15,238 --> 00:35:17,240
[Derek] Notice the curvature
of my right eyebrow.
571
00:35:17,449 --> 00:35:19,117
It's night and day
from Blue Steel.
572
00:35:19,909 --> 00:35:20,910
He's right.
573
00:35:20,994 --> 00:35:22,871
When I overlay them,
there are over 14,000
574
00:35:22,996 --> 00:35:24,331
different facial anomalies.
575
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:26,041
Wow.
576
00:35:26,124 --> 00:35:29,419
I had no idea there was
so much subtlety involved.
577
00:35:31,338 --> 00:35:33,381
Please accept
my apologies, Derek.
578
00:35:33,923 --> 00:35:35,050
None taken.
579
00:35:44,809 --> 00:35:46,144
[softly] Whoa!
580
00:35:46,394 --> 00:35:49,189
Filippo, we need to find
everything there is on Aqua Vitae.
581
00:35:49,481 --> 00:35:51,900
-Si, signorina.
-Ooh.
582
00:35:52,317 --> 00:35:54,903
Hold on a second, lady.
A deal's a deal.
583
00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:57,739
Now you help me find my son.
584
00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:59,157
Sure.
585
00:35:59,658 --> 00:36:02,202
-His name is Derek Jr.?
-Yes.
586
00:36:02,619 --> 00:36:04,287
Have you ever Facebooked him?
587
00:36:04,871 --> 00:36:07,707
No, thanks.
Matilda Facebooked...
588
00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:09,292
and it killed her.
589
00:36:10,210 --> 00:36:11,086
Found him.
590
00:36:11,211 --> 00:36:13,713
He's at the orphanage
Del Piccolo Cletusi.
591
00:36:15,632 --> 00:36:16,591
Here.
592
00:36:17,467 --> 00:36:18,468
In Rome.
593
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:19,803
Wait, what?
594
00:36:20,929 --> 00:36:22,013
He's in Rome.
595
00:36:22,097 --> 00:36:25,141
That's convenient. So we can
hit that party at the IncrediBall.
596
00:36:26,059 --> 00:36:27,977
A little too convenient.
597
00:36:28,978 --> 00:36:30,522
Someone wants you here, guys.
598
00:36:31,314 --> 00:36:32,232
But who?
599
00:36:33,066 --> 00:36:33,942
Listen to me.
600
00:36:34,150 --> 00:36:35,777
[whispering] Be careful
at the orphanage.
601
00:36:35,944 --> 00:36:38,405
And trust no one
at House of Atoz.
602
00:36:38,822 --> 00:36:40,407
I'll see what I can find.
603
00:37:09,018 --> 00:37:11,813
Thanks for coming with me.
I feel kind of nervous.
604
00:37:12,021 --> 00:37:14,691
Hey, you're showing up.
Feel good.
605
00:37:28,580 --> 00:37:29,748
That must be him.
606
00:37:29,831 --> 00:37:30,749
Where?
607
00:37:37,464 --> 00:37:39,549
He's even more gorgeous
than I imagined.
608
00:37:41,718 --> 00:37:43,178
You're a lucky man.
609
00:37:45,054 --> 00:37:46,264
You there. Boy.
610
00:37:48,558 --> 00:37:50,268
-What's his name?
-Who?
611
00:37:51,478 --> 00:37:53,480
-Him?
-[speaking Italian]
612
00:37:53,563 --> 00:37:54,939
That's Fabrizio.
613
00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:57,066
Fabrizio.
614
00:37:57,942 --> 00:37:59,277
What a beautiful name.
615
00:38:00,361 --> 00:38:02,030
He used to be called Derek Jr..
616
00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:05,450
Really? That's strange,
'cause that's my name.
617
00:38:07,368 --> 00:38:10,830
[speaking Italian]
618
00:38:15,585 --> 00:38:16,669
Bye, mister.
619
00:38:18,046 --> 00:38:19,506
-Let's go.
-What?
620
00:38:19,589 --> 00:38:20,924
-Let's go.
-Why?
621
00:38:21,132 --> 00:38:22,258
I can't do this.
622
00:38:22,425 --> 00:38:23,384
Why not?
623
00:38:23,551 --> 00:38:26,471
He's fat!
The fat one is Derek Jr..
624
00:38:26,971 --> 00:38:29,224
No, that chubby kid's
name was Fatlander.
625
00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:30,600
I heard them call him that.
626
00:38:30,683 --> 00:38:32,811
Don't you get it?
He switched the "Zoo" part with "Fat."
627
00:38:32,894 --> 00:38:35,730
That's how he came up with "Fatlander."
Fat equals Zoo!
628
00:38:36,356 --> 00:38:39,317
So wait. You're saying
that just because your son is fat,
629
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:41,528
that makes him some sort
of terrible person?
630
00:38:42,779 --> 00:38:44,030
Maybe you're right.
631
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:45,448
No, I'm asking.
632
00:38:45,532 --> 00:38:48,201
Does being fat make someone
a terrible person?
633
00:38:48,284 --> 00:38:49,452
And I'm agreeing with you.
634
00:38:49,536 --> 00:38:52,497
I seriously think my fat son
might be a terrible person.
635
00:38:56,209 --> 00:38:58,169
I mean, it doesn't make him
a good person, I know that.
636
00:38:58,253 --> 00:38:59,337
But I don't know what to say.
637
00:38:59,420 --> 00:39:01,214
I think you better
puddle-talk it out.
638
00:39:14,561 --> 00:39:16,563
So I guess
I have a lot to ponder.
639
00:39:17,856 --> 00:39:19,190
You sure do.
640
00:39:19,858 --> 00:39:22,026
[woman] Derek.
641
00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:24,404
What? Who's that?
642
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:25,572
I don't know. It wasn't me.
643
00:39:26,656 --> 00:39:27,949
[woman] Derek.
644
00:39:28,408 --> 00:39:29,784
Derek.
645
00:39:31,077 --> 00:39:33,788
Ghost of Matilda?
Is that really you?
646
00:39:34,122 --> 00:39:35,331
Yes, Derek.
647
00:39:35,540 --> 00:39:39,878
I'm sorry I haven't been in touch,
but I've just been so... dead.
648
00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:41,212
Listen.
649
00:39:42,088 --> 00:39:43,923
You must love our son.
650
00:39:44,424 --> 00:39:45,592
He needs you.
651
00:39:46,676 --> 00:39:49,262
But beware of the headmaster.
652
00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:51,389
What's happening to you?
653
00:39:51,848 --> 00:39:53,558
Love our son.
654
00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:57,103
-Ew!
-And beware the headmaster.
655
00:39:58,938 --> 00:39:59,856
Hello.
656
00:40:01,357 --> 00:40:02,650
I'm the headmaster.
657
00:40:03,318 --> 00:40:04,903
Derek Zoolander...
658
00:40:06,070 --> 00:40:07,238
I'm assuming.
659
00:40:07,405 --> 00:40:09,991
Because I've never met you,
ever.
660
00:40:10,992 --> 00:40:14,203
Mr. Hansel informs me
that you'd like to see your son.
661
00:40:15,121 --> 00:40:17,040
Easily arranged. Come.
662
00:40:21,794 --> 00:40:25,173
I should tell you,
your son is incredibly gifted.
663
00:40:26,007 --> 00:40:27,467
-[phone rings]
-Hello.
664
00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:30,595
[distorted voice] If you want to find
the "Spirits in the Material World,"
665
00:40:30,678 --> 00:40:33,389
you need to talk
to the Ghost in the Machine.
666
00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:35,183
What? Who is this?
667
00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:37,268
I have a "Message
in a Bottle" for you,
668
00:40:37,352 --> 00:40:40,229
so don't go to The Police.
669
00:40:41,064 --> 00:40:44,984
Okay, don't go to the police,
'cause there's a message in a bottle.
670
00:40:45,068 --> 00:40:47,403
[chuckles] Okay, I got it.
671
00:40:47,487 --> 00:40:50,239
Now go prank call
someone else, idiot.
672
00:40:50,323 --> 00:40:51,574
Here they are now.
673
00:40:58,247 --> 00:41:00,166
Hey, there, sport.
674
00:41:01,376 --> 00:41:03,503
I hear someone's
a fat little smarty-pants.
675
00:41:07,048 --> 00:41:08,716
I'll leave you to it, then.
676
00:41:09,842 --> 00:41:11,344
I'm gonna let you two catch up
677
00:41:11,427 --> 00:41:13,137
and maybe hit the spa
back at the Caca.
678
00:41:16,182 --> 00:41:18,935
Look, I know you have
a lot of unresolved feelings,
679
00:41:19,143 --> 00:41:20,353
but I'm still your father.
680
00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:23,523
You're not my father.
You weren't there.
681
00:41:23,815 --> 00:41:27,151
That wasn't my choice.
I was there when you were little.
682
00:41:27,527 --> 00:41:30,029
Most kids play
catch with their father.
683
00:41:30,363 --> 00:41:32,699
They don't go with them
to a thong shoot.
684
00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:35,243
There's a lot of
starving children in Africa
685
00:41:35,326 --> 00:41:37,328
who would die to
go to a thong shoot.
686
00:41:38,037 --> 00:41:38,997
What?
687
00:41:39,664 --> 00:41:41,249
Look, let me make it up to you.
688
00:41:41,332 --> 00:41:42,917
Let's go play ball-catching now.
689
00:41:43,543 --> 00:41:44,585
Ball-catching?
690
00:41:44,669 --> 00:41:47,088
So, how's the family
reunion going?
691
00:41:47,672 --> 00:41:49,507
Great. I'd like to check him out
692
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:51,259
for a few hours, if that's okay.
693
00:41:51,426 --> 00:41:53,886
Sure. As long as
he's back by sundown.
694
00:41:55,930 --> 00:41:57,473
He seems like a nice guy.
695
00:41:58,057 --> 00:41:59,392
You seem like an idiot.
696
00:42:00,727 --> 00:42:02,979
Okay, I think I know
what would help right now.
697
00:42:03,229 --> 00:42:04,105
What?
698
00:42:05,648 --> 00:42:07,942
Frozen chocolata gelato!
699
00:42:10,653 --> 00:42:11,904
♪ Jitterbug ♪
700
00:42:13,489 --> 00:42:14,699
♪ Jitterbug ♪
701
00:42:16,159 --> 00:42:18,828
♪ You put the boom-boom
Into my heart ♪
702
00:42:20,163 --> 00:42:21,164
Ciao!
703
00:42:22,415 --> 00:42:25,043
♪ Jitterbug into my brain
Yeah, yeah ♪
704
00:42:25,126 --> 00:42:28,004
♪ Goes a bang-bang-bang
Till my feet do the same ♪
705
00:42:28,337 --> 00:42:29,672
[both screaming]
706
00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:39,098
[Derek Jr.] Oh, my God!
707
00:42:39,348 --> 00:42:40,308
[both screaming]
708
00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:46,731
[exhales]
709
00:42:48,858 --> 00:42:50,359
Hashtag oops.
710
00:42:53,279 --> 00:42:56,699
You know, sometimes it takes
an extremely traumatic experience
711
00:42:57,283 --> 00:42:59,118
to make you appreciate
a good makeover.
712
00:42:59,452 --> 00:43:00,536
Am I right?
713
00:43:02,622 --> 00:43:03,539
Derek?
714
00:43:06,334 --> 00:43:07,627
Derek Jr.!
715
00:43:14,175 --> 00:43:16,302
-Are you mentally insane?
-What?
716
00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:19,764
What are you reading?
I Am Malalalala?
717
00:43:20,181 --> 00:43:22,350
No books! Think of your mother.
718
00:43:23,601 --> 00:43:26,062
What's the big deal?
Mom read tons of books.
719
00:43:26,562 --> 00:43:28,815
And a one-ton book killed her.
720
00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:31,984
The book didn't kill Mom.
You did.
721
00:43:32,276 --> 00:43:34,403
And you nearly killed me, too.
722
00:43:35,571 --> 00:43:38,574
Come on. Look at us.
We look ridiculous.
723
00:43:39,117 --> 00:43:41,202
What? Okay, maybe your pants
are a little loose.
724
00:43:41,285 --> 00:43:43,121
-Are you serious right now?
-What?
725
00:43:43,579 --> 00:43:45,706
I don't want to be
anything like you!
726
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:47,458
You're a has-been!
727
00:43:48,251 --> 00:43:50,837
And you were
the most narcissistic,
728
00:43:51,087 --> 00:43:53,756
self-involved person
I've ever met!
729
00:43:54,715 --> 00:43:56,509
But that's not
how I think of me.
730
00:43:57,468 --> 00:43:58,636
I'm going back to school.
731
00:44:00,054 --> 00:44:01,931
Little Derek, come back here!
732
00:44:02,014 --> 00:44:04,308
I thought we were gonna
give each other facials!
733
00:44:04,392 --> 00:44:05,476
[whistles]
734
00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:09,981
[speaking Italian]
735
00:44:10,857 --> 00:44:11,732
Wait.
736
00:44:13,192 --> 00:44:14,819
How did you learn
to speak Italian?
737
00:44:15,194 --> 00:44:16,070
Because I'm smart!
738
00:44:17,321 --> 00:44:18,823
Mom was smart too.
739
00:44:19,532 --> 00:44:21,450
The only stupid thing
she ever did
740
00:44:21,868 --> 00:44:23,327
was fall in love with you.
741
00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:27,707
I don't even have the words
to express what a burn that is.
742
00:44:30,209 --> 00:44:31,669
I don't know what to say.
743
00:44:32,628 --> 00:44:35,423
No, I mean I literally don't have
the vocabulary to respond.
744
00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:37,675
You're like
a walking Tyrannosaurus.
745
00:44:39,093 --> 00:44:40,720
You mean "walking thesaurus."
746
00:44:42,555 --> 00:44:43,639
I don't know.
747
00:44:45,016 --> 00:44:47,518
I guess it's nice that you want
to reconnect or whatever.
748
00:44:48,311 --> 00:44:49,562
But we're too different.
749
00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:51,272
And it's too late.
750
00:44:53,149 --> 00:44:54,609
Thanks for the gelato.
751
00:44:59,488 --> 00:45:00,573
[speaking Italian]
752
00:45:13,211 --> 00:45:14,420
Orgy.
753
00:45:17,131 --> 00:45:19,342
[woman] Hi, there, Hansel.
754
00:45:26,682 --> 00:45:29,060
I heard you
755
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:30,937
are on the rebound.
756
00:45:31,020 --> 00:45:33,689
No, no. I'm still...
still committed.
757
00:45:33,773 --> 00:45:36,776
We're just taking
a little time to kind of...
758
00:45:36,859 --> 00:45:39,362
Doesn't mean we can't enjoy
each other's bodies.
759
00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:41,989
[whispers] Oh, damn it.
760
00:45:43,241 --> 00:45:44,408
[man] Hansel.
761
00:45:45,159 --> 00:45:48,996
Meaningless sex always makes me
feel better about myself.
762
00:45:52,375 --> 00:45:53,876
Come on.
763
00:45:54,990 --> 00:45:59,465
♪ I love to love you, baby ♪
764
00:45:59,799 --> 00:46:04,428
♪ Uh
I love to love you, baby ♪
765
00:46:05,554 --> 00:46:09,600
♪ I love to love you, baby ♪
766
00:46:11,060 --> 00:46:14,188
♪ I love to love you, baby ♪
767
00:46:14,272 --> 00:46:15,898
[banging]
768
00:46:17,441 --> 00:46:19,694
-[Kiefer] Hansel!
-[banging]
769
00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:21,195
We know you're in there!
770
00:46:21,279 --> 00:46:22,655
Stay here. Stay here.
771
00:46:23,489 --> 00:46:25,866
Hansel, let us in!
We want to apologize!
772
00:46:27,118 --> 00:46:28,995
Come back to the pig pile,
Hansel.
773
00:46:29,495 --> 00:46:32,665
Touch-a, touch-a, touch me.
I want to be dirty.
774
00:46:32,957 --> 00:46:34,917
That's it. I've had enough.
Everybody, back up.
775
00:46:35,293 --> 00:46:36,961
Back! Back!
776
00:46:41,424 --> 00:46:42,717
Hello! Hello!
777
00:46:43,009 --> 00:46:45,094
Ah. My gosh.
778
00:46:45,720 --> 00:46:47,513
God... Ow!
779
00:46:49,515 --> 00:46:50,766
[clucking]
780
00:46:54,103 --> 00:46:57,064
[grunting]
781
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:00,568
Oh, Hansel.
782
00:47:00,651 --> 00:47:03,321
Okay. You guys have a talk.
I'm going to a bar.
783
00:47:03,404 --> 00:47:05,031
That's a good idea. Yeah, go.
784
00:47:05,114 --> 00:47:06,198
Hey...
785
00:47:06,741 --> 00:47:08,534
You are a basic bitch.
786
00:47:09,493 --> 00:47:12,371
Come on, let's go. Come on. Out.
787
00:47:13,039 --> 00:47:14,415
I could kill you.
788
00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:18,669
Please, let me just explain.
789
00:47:19,045 --> 00:47:21,589
Guys, you didn't even give me
a chance to explain!
790
00:47:22,214 --> 00:47:24,508
Hansel, how can you expect
to love 11 people
791
00:47:25,593 --> 00:47:27,219
when you don't even
love yourself?
792
00:47:31,057 --> 00:47:32,475
I hope they were worth it.
793
00:47:34,477 --> 00:47:35,519
That's not fair.
794
00:47:36,187 --> 00:47:37,271
Kiefer!
795
00:47:37,938 --> 00:47:39,065
Kiefer!
796
00:47:39,607 --> 00:47:40,524
[toilet flushing]
797
00:47:43,069 --> 00:47:46,072
Hey, where did everybody go?
I wasn't done with that hippo.
798
00:47:51,702 --> 00:47:54,121
Who am I?
799
00:47:56,916 --> 00:47:58,209
[Derek] Who am I?
800
00:48:01,337 --> 00:48:03,047
-Derek?
-Hey, Hansel.
801
00:48:03,172 --> 00:48:05,383
Are you trying to figure out
who you are also?
802
00:48:05,883 --> 00:48:06,759
Yep.
803
00:48:07,476 --> 00:48:10,671
♪ Who am I? ♪
804
00:48:12,515 --> 00:48:13,599
[Derek] Hey, Katy!
805
00:48:14,183 --> 00:48:17,311
Yeah, it's like, when will we
find out who we really are?
806
00:48:18,145 --> 00:48:19,146
I know, right?
807
00:48:19,563 --> 00:48:20,523
Who am I?
808
00:48:21,690 --> 00:48:23,109
Neil deGrasse Tyson?
809
00:48:23,651 --> 00:48:25,069
Even you don't
know who you are?
810
00:48:25,694 --> 00:48:27,696
In an ever-expanding universe,
811
00:48:27,863 --> 00:48:30,783
slowly pulling itself apart
into nothingness,
812
00:48:31,575 --> 00:48:36,038
what use does the question
"Who am I?" even have?
813
00:48:37,289 --> 00:48:41,127
Neil, I got to say, you're totally
blowing my mind right now.
814
00:48:41,836 --> 00:48:42,962
That's what I do.
815
00:48:43,379 --> 00:48:45,673
I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch.
816
00:48:46,257 --> 00:48:47,383
Whoo!
817
00:48:47,883 --> 00:48:51,178
Hansel! Derek!
You have to come to Interpol!
818
00:48:51,262 --> 00:48:52,805
I have incredible news!
819
00:48:53,597 --> 00:48:56,225
[Valentina] We did a full diagnostic
on your Aqua Vitae look,
820
00:48:56,308 --> 00:48:58,936
and a linguistics analysis
on its etymology.
821
00:48:59,311 --> 00:49:01,689
The direct translation
is "Water of Life."
822
00:49:01,772 --> 00:49:03,983
But many have
interpreted it another way.
823
00:49:05,943 --> 00:49:07,611
"The Fountain of Youth."
824
00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:11,073
Okay, look, I only
worked there for a summer.
825
00:49:11,157 --> 00:49:13,117
And, no, they don't
give happy endings.
826
00:49:14,201 --> 00:49:16,871
No, Derek.
The actual Fountain of Youth.
827
00:49:18,789 --> 00:49:21,292
Can you imagine?
If the Fountain of Youth
828
00:49:21,375 --> 00:49:23,544
indeed does exist...
829
00:49:24,378 --> 00:49:27,423
And if Alexanya Atoz
could market such a liquid...
830
00:49:28,716 --> 00:49:30,342
Do you ever get that feeling
831
00:49:30,426 --> 00:49:34,388
when you see beautiful
teenager girl with perfect skin,
832
00:49:34,472 --> 00:49:37,641
and you want to kill her
and take her skin,
833
00:49:37,725 --> 00:49:39,894
and put it on your skin?
834
00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:41,812
We bottled that feeling.
835
00:49:41,896 --> 00:49:44,482
House of Atoz Yowth Milk.
836
00:49:45,357 --> 00:49:47,026
...she would make billions.
837
00:49:47,693 --> 00:49:48,652
[phone ringing]
838
00:49:49,111 --> 00:49:50,112
[softly] Excuse me.
839
00:49:52,323 --> 00:49:53,324
Orgy?
840
00:49:53,407 --> 00:49:55,576
[distorted voice]
You are in serious danger.
841
00:49:55,993 --> 00:49:58,037
"Don't Stand So Close To Me."
842
00:49:58,120 --> 00:50:00,372
Come on.
It's this prank caller again.
843
00:50:00,456 --> 00:50:01,916
-Put it on speaker.
-What... Why?
844
00:50:01,999 --> 00:50:03,334
Just put it on speaker!
845
00:50:04,335 --> 00:50:05,336
Who is this?
846
00:50:05,836 --> 00:50:08,005
I am your "King of Pain."
847
00:50:08,088 --> 00:50:11,467
Every breath this guy takes, I'm like,
"What are you talking about?"
848
00:50:11,550 --> 00:50:12,760
Oh, Jesus.
849
00:50:13,302 --> 00:50:15,888
Just meet me at
Saint Peter's Basilica at midnight.
850
00:50:18,098 --> 00:50:19,975
Sounds like this guy's
really into Sting.
851
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:22,895
I model my life after Sting.
852
00:50:23,562 --> 00:50:26,106
And Bieber was killed
in front of Sting's villa.
853
00:50:27,358 --> 00:50:28,359
What?
854
00:50:33,656 --> 00:50:35,616
[Gregorian chanting]
855
00:51:13,362 --> 00:51:14,697
[whispering] Forgive me, Father.
856
00:51:14,780 --> 00:51:17,199
I have many sins
that I would like to confess.
857
00:51:18,158 --> 00:51:21,120
One of my sins has to do with
the death of Justin Bieber.
858
00:51:26,792 --> 00:51:29,003
♪ Roxanne ♪
859
00:51:30,254 --> 00:51:31,672
No way.
860
00:51:32,756 --> 00:51:33,757
Hey, Derek.
861
00:51:34,341 --> 00:51:35,426
Hey, Sting.
862
00:51:36,385 --> 00:51:37,928
And hello, sweet Hansel.
863
00:51:39,346 --> 00:51:40,222
Hi.
864
00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:42,224
You two know each other?
865
00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:44,560
Sadly, we've never met.
866
00:51:44,893 --> 00:51:46,729
And yet I feel like
I've known you...
867
00:51:47,521 --> 00:51:49,398
[both] ...my entire life.
868
00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:52,901
[Sting] Tell me.
869
00:51:53,986 --> 00:51:55,779
Have you heard of
the Fountain of Youth?
870
00:51:56,739 --> 00:51:59,617
Yes. Why does everybody
keep asking me that?
871
00:52:00,284 --> 00:52:03,078
No, Derek, not the hand job joint
you worked at in SoHo.
872
00:52:03,162 --> 00:52:04,872
The real Fountain of Youth.
873
00:52:05,414 --> 00:52:07,750
It dates back some 6,000 years.
874
00:52:08,751 --> 00:52:13,213
Its original location is thought
to have been the Garden of Eden.
875
00:52:14,465 --> 00:52:18,218
You mean the Turkish bathhouse
I used to work at in Tribeca?
876
00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:23,015
No, Derek. The Garden of Eden.
877
00:52:25,059 --> 00:52:27,227
The birthplace of Adam and Eve
878
00:52:28,646 --> 00:52:29,813
and Steve.
879
00:52:33,275 --> 00:52:34,985
Steve? Who's Steve?
880
00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:38,489
Steve was
the original supermodel.
881
00:52:38,697 --> 00:52:40,324
The first of the purebloods.
882
00:52:40,658 --> 00:52:42,284
He was said to be so beautiful,
883
00:52:42,618 --> 00:52:44,078
with a look so powerful,
884
00:52:44,370 --> 00:52:46,705
that even the pools of water
he gazed upon
885
00:52:46,789 --> 00:52:48,624
could not reflect
his beauty back to him.
886
00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:51,669
That look...
887
00:52:52,127 --> 00:52:55,089
that look was called "El Nino."
888
00:52:57,257 --> 00:53:00,260
But, honestly,
I've never heard of Steve.
889
00:53:00,886 --> 00:53:02,554
Countless lives
throughout history
890
00:53:02,680 --> 00:53:04,431
have been lost
to make sure of that.
891
00:53:05,057 --> 00:53:08,560
Evil forces have hunted
his offspring for centuries.
892
00:53:10,771 --> 00:53:12,189
For the legend states
893
00:53:12,564 --> 00:53:15,109
that if you wrench
the still-beating heart
894
00:53:15,317 --> 00:53:18,237
from the gorgeous body
of a true descendent of Steve,
895
00:53:18,570 --> 00:53:20,239
and drink its blood,
896
00:53:20,489 --> 00:53:23,367
you will obtain eternal beauty.
897
00:53:25,244 --> 00:53:28,122
So the Fountain of Youth
is not a fountain at all.
898
00:53:28,789 --> 00:53:31,291
-The Fountain of Youth is...
-A person.
899
00:53:31,500 --> 00:53:32,710
And not just anyone.
900
00:53:33,335 --> 00:53:35,295
A direct descendent of Steve.
901
00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:37,047
The Chosen One.
902
00:53:37,506 --> 00:53:39,007
How do you know all this?
903
00:53:39,383 --> 00:53:43,387
Because I, and many rock stars
like me, are his protectors.
904
00:53:44,555 --> 00:53:46,140
You see,
there are only a few genes
905
00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:50,769
that separate the greatest rock stars
in history from male models.
906
00:53:51,145 --> 00:53:52,438
Which genes are those?
907
00:53:53,147 --> 00:53:55,232
The ones for talent
and intelligence.
908
00:53:56,150 --> 00:53:57,151
Of course.
909
00:53:57,234 --> 00:54:00,112
We were entrusted
to protect the Chosen Ones.
910
00:54:00,612 --> 00:54:02,281
But who is the Chosen One?
911
00:54:02,740 --> 00:54:05,409
We believe it is your son.
912
00:54:06,744 --> 00:54:08,537
And that he is in grave danger.
913
00:54:09,538 --> 00:54:10,748
But he's back at the school!
914
00:54:10,831 --> 00:54:13,125
We have to get to him before
something terrible happens to him!
915
00:54:13,208 --> 00:54:16,336
No. Wait.
Hansel. Look into my eyes.
916
00:54:17,713 --> 00:54:19,548
Is there anything
you want to ask me?
917
00:54:19,840 --> 00:54:20,966
Anything at all?
918
00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:26,263
Do you really have sex
for ten hours?
919
00:54:29,099 --> 00:54:30,100
No comment.
920
00:54:30,768 --> 00:54:31,894
[whispers] Fifteen.
921
00:54:34,688 --> 00:54:36,190
Farewell, my handsome boy.
922
00:54:37,024 --> 00:54:38,692
-Farewell.
-Goodbye, Sting.
923
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:54,583
[speaking Italian] Bolt cutters!
924
00:55:05,093 --> 00:55:06,261
He's gone!
925
00:55:08,847 --> 00:55:11,058
[Hansel] It's like
no one was ever here.
926
00:55:13,685 --> 00:55:15,687
-It was a wig.
-What?
927
00:55:15,854 --> 00:55:17,564
It was a wig the whole time.
928
00:55:17,856 --> 00:55:19,066
That was a wig?
929
00:55:19,399 --> 00:55:22,110
That headmaster
wasn't a good guy at all!
930
00:55:22,486 --> 00:55:23,362
No!
931
00:55:23,946 --> 00:55:26,782
No! No! No!
932
00:55:26,949 --> 00:55:27,908
Derek!
933
00:55:28,075 --> 00:55:29,535
Derek, relax!
934
00:55:30,118 --> 00:55:31,662
["Relax" intro playing]
935
00:55:36,041 --> 00:55:37,084
Don't do it.
936
00:55:38,085 --> 00:55:39,586
When you want to go to it.
937
00:55:46,885 --> 00:55:48,345
-Filippo.
-Si.
938
00:55:48,428 --> 00:55:50,097
I need you to pull up
everything you have
939
00:55:50,180 --> 00:55:52,099
on the man who was arrested
back in 2001
940
00:55:52,182 --> 00:55:53,684
for brainwashing Zoolander.
941
00:55:53,767 --> 00:55:55,602
Facial scans
to be cross-referenced
942
00:55:55,686 --> 00:55:58,230
with security footage
of the headmaster of the orphanage.
943
00:55:59,815 --> 00:56:00,899
[speaking Italian]
944
00:56:01,775 --> 00:56:03,277
It's a positive ID.
945
00:56:04,862 --> 00:56:07,489
The headmaster didn't
even have a name or papers.
946
00:56:07,698 --> 00:56:08,574
Oh, my God.
947
00:56:08,782 --> 00:56:10,742
It's the evil breakdancing DJ.
948
00:56:10,868 --> 00:56:14,580
[Filippo] He was arrested with Mugatu
and his accomplice back in 2001.
949
00:56:14,830 --> 00:56:17,958
[gasps] It's Katinka
Ingaborgovinananananana.
950
00:56:18,292 --> 00:56:19,167
Where are they now?
951
00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:22,379
[Filippo] Ingaborgovinanananana
disappeared off the grid.
952
00:56:22,462 --> 00:56:24,882
It looks like the Evil DJ
came through the Swiss border
953
00:56:24,965 --> 00:56:27,384
with forged papers
about three weeks ago.
954
00:56:28,343 --> 00:56:30,012
I suppose they could have...
955
00:56:30,596 --> 00:56:33,223
Driven to Rome
and kidnapped Derek's son.
956
00:56:33,599 --> 00:56:34,600
[Filippo] Exactly!
957
00:56:34,683 --> 00:56:37,603
Which means the person
behind all of this is...
958
00:56:47,321 --> 00:56:48,238
Who?
959
00:56:50,991 --> 00:56:51,950
Who?
960
00:56:52,868 --> 00:56:54,161
Who are we talking about?
961
00:57:07,132 --> 00:57:08,675
[Valentina] Mugatu is in there.
962
00:57:09,468 --> 00:57:11,428
For ten years,
there has only been one name
963
00:57:11,511 --> 00:57:13,722
on the list of visitors
that he will allow.
964
00:57:17,059 --> 00:57:18,018
Thank you.
965
00:57:19,645 --> 00:57:20,646
For what?
966
00:57:21,229 --> 00:57:22,356
For helping us.
967
00:57:26,276 --> 00:57:29,446
When I was a little girl
growing up in Albacete,
968
00:57:29,821 --> 00:57:33,659
my room was covered
in pictures of Derek Zoolander.
969
00:57:36,620 --> 00:57:39,498
The most amazing model alive.
970
00:57:43,293 --> 00:57:45,003
Except I'm not one anymore.
971
00:57:46,296 --> 00:57:48,048
My son called me a has-been.
972
00:57:50,550 --> 00:57:51,843
I'm a has-been.
973
00:57:53,512 --> 00:57:55,097
What kind of has-been were you?
974
00:57:59,977 --> 00:58:01,812
I was a swimsuit model.
975
00:58:02,187 --> 00:58:03,897
-I'm so sorry.
-My heart goes out to you.
976
00:58:05,524 --> 00:58:09,403
I was never able to transition
to print or runway.
977
00:58:10,570 --> 00:58:12,572
To your world of high fashion.
978
00:58:13,824 --> 00:58:15,117
Because of these.
979
00:58:16,493 --> 00:58:20,247
These intrusive,
oversized naturals.
980
00:58:23,291 --> 00:58:26,294
These things could never fit
into a sample size.
981
00:58:27,838 --> 00:58:28,797
Gross.
982
00:58:34,511 --> 00:58:36,388
[whispering]
You need to go for this now.
983
00:58:36,471 --> 00:58:38,265
Not later. Now.
984
00:58:38,598 --> 00:58:40,267
-Hansel, are you serious?
-Yes.
985
00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:42,185
While Matilda lies
warm in her grave?
986
00:58:42,269 --> 00:58:45,272
Matilda's been dead for years.
You need to move on.
987
00:58:45,605 --> 00:58:47,899
Honestly, by now,
she's just a couple of teeth.
988
00:58:48,108 --> 00:58:49,109
A piece of spine.
989
00:58:49,693 --> 00:58:53,155
Maybe a little skull fragment,
like that guy from Tales from the Crypt.
990
00:58:53,321 --> 00:58:55,073
The Crypt Keeper. [grunting]
991
00:58:55,157 --> 00:58:57,701
Hansel, stop it! I'm not ready.
992
00:59:15,218 --> 00:59:19,056
[Valentina] The world's most notorious
fashion criminals are in there.
993
00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:23,477
Be careful, Derek.
He'll try to get inside your head.
994
00:59:24,144 --> 00:59:27,230
Don't worry.
It's closed for business.
995
00:59:35,614 --> 00:59:36,907
Give 'em hell, Derek.
996
00:59:51,630 --> 00:59:53,215
[cackling]
997
00:59:53,465 --> 00:59:55,050
[MC Hammer]
You're goin' down, Zoolander!
998
00:59:55,217 --> 00:59:56,676
You're goin' down. Listen to me!
999
00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:59,846
You better listen to the Hammer!
Can't touch this!
1000
01:00:00,097 --> 01:00:04,184
No! No! Zoolander
can't touch Mugatu! No!
1001
01:00:04,810 --> 01:00:06,311
[Skip Taylor] Shut up, Hammer!
1002
01:00:07,354 --> 01:00:10,190
[Derek]
Members Only. Members Only.
1003
01:00:11,399 --> 01:00:13,610
Epaulettes are not a crime.
1004
01:00:14,361 --> 01:00:17,447
Smart casual. Smart casual.
1005
01:00:17,572 --> 01:00:19,574
[MC Hammer] Listen to me!
You can't touch him!
1006
01:00:19,658 --> 01:00:22,494
[Skip Taylor]
Mr. Hammer is wrong!
1007
01:00:47,310 --> 01:00:50,021
Derek Zoolander.
1008
01:00:53,066 --> 01:00:54,484
I've been expecting you.
1009
01:01:01,449 --> 01:01:03,034
What have you done
with my son?
1010
01:01:04,703 --> 01:01:05,704
Hands.
1011
01:01:06,454 --> 01:01:08,540
Our most overrated appendage.
1012
01:01:10,250 --> 01:01:12,043
When not allowed
the use of them,
1013
01:01:12,460 --> 01:01:14,212
you'd be surprised how quickly
1014
01:01:14,296 --> 01:01:16,882
feet can be trained to do
the exact same thing.
1015
01:01:26,349 --> 01:01:28,810
Your son is doing wonderfully.
1016
01:01:30,187 --> 01:01:33,231
From what the school tells
my offshore accountant,
1017
01:01:33,690 --> 01:01:35,108
he's incredibly smart.
1018
01:01:35,859 --> 01:01:37,068
Your accountant?
1019
01:01:38,069 --> 01:01:40,322
Who do you think paid
for that fancy orphanage?
1020
01:01:40,739 --> 01:01:42,115
When he was taken away
from you,
1021
01:01:42,199 --> 01:01:44,993
someone had to make sure he got
his eight square meals a day.
1022
01:01:45,619 --> 01:01:47,913
Eight? You bastard!
1023
01:01:52,792 --> 01:01:55,170
I'm sorry. I'd love
to keep talking about this,
1024
01:01:55,253 --> 01:01:58,340
but I seem to have developed
a nasty itch.
1025
01:02:00,967 --> 01:02:02,469
I'd ask you
to scratch it for me,
1026
01:02:02,552 --> 01:02:05,680
but no doubt you'd think
I was just trying to trick you.
1027
01:02:10,518 --> 01:02:13,897
Or you're trying to make me
think I shouldn't help you.
1028
01:02:14,564 --> 01:02:19,444
In which case, I should do
the opposite of that and help you.
1029
01:02:21,112 --> 01:02:22,364
Or don't help me.
1030
01:02:23,031 --> 01:02:24,699
I think that's even
a better option.
1031
01:02:28,119 --> 01:02:29,704
You're trying to switch it
around on me,
1032
01:02:29,913 --> 01:02:31,581
but I won't take the bait.
1033
01:02:32,207 --> 01:02:33,500
Sorry, Mugatu.
1034
01:02:33,583 --> 01:02:36,169
I'm going with my first instinct
and helping you.
1035
01:02:40,423 --> 01:02:41,967
I really wish you wouldn't.
1036
01:02:42,425 --> 01:02:44,970
Too late. The die is cast.
1037
01:02:45,178 --> 01:02:46,471
I'd prefer that you didn't.
1038
01:02:46,596 --> 01:02:48,014
I'm going to do it.
1039
01:02:48,265 --> 01:02:49,140
Please don't.
1040
01:02:54,521 --> 01:02:56,106
[both screaming]
1041
01:02:57,816 --> 01:02:58,858
Let me go!
1042
01:02:59,567 --> 01:03:03,530
Not until you untie my straitjacket
and put it on, okay?
1043
01:03:04,823 --> 01:03:06,616
If I do, will you let me go?
1044
01:03:07,909 --> 01:03:08,785
No!
1045
01:03:10,078 --> 01:03:11,997
Which means you will let me go.
1046
01:03:12,497 --> 01:03:13,581
So I'll do it.
1047
01:03:14,499 --> 01:03:15,542
Oh, my gosh.
1048
01:03:16,167 --> 01:03:17,043
Okay!
1049
01:03:18,712 --> 01:03:21,381
Check and mate, Mugatu.
1050
01:03:22,590 --> 01:03:23,550
Your move.
1051
01:03:26,219 --> 01:03:27,971
You really are an idiot,
aren't you?
1052
01:03:28,847 --> 01:03:33,810
Like, super, super white hot,
blazingly stupid.
1053
01:03:36,396 --> 01:03:39,024
For ten long years
1054
01:03:39,566 --> 01:03:43,403
I've been plotting my escape
from this dreadful place.
1055
01:03:43,695 --> 01:03:46,906
[echoing] For ten long years.
For ten long years.
1056
01:03:46,990 --> 01:03:52,162
Ten years spent creating some
of the most realistic and lifelike masks
1057
01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:53,621
ever made. [echoing]
1058
01:03:55,707 --> 01:03:56,750
One for you.
1059
01:03:59,919 --> 01:04:01,171
And one for me.
1060
01:04:04,758 --> 01:04:06,176
All so that today...
1061
01:04:07,093 --> 01:04:08,970
you could become me!
1062
01:04:11,931 --> 01:04:13,266
And I can become...
1063
01:04:15,143 --> 01:04:16,186
you!
1064
01:04:22,359 --> 01:04:23,401
That's it?
1065
01:04:24,027 --> 01:04:25,445
You'll never get away with this.
1066
01:04:27,530 --> 01:04:30,200
[Mugatu] All of the guards here
are former male models.
1067
01:04:30,408 --> 01:04:32,827
Somehow I don't think
it's gonna be a problem.
1068
01:04:33,453 --> 01:04:35,330
Guard! Guard!
1069
01:04:36,039 --> 01:04:37,791
[guard] Will that be all,
Mr. Zoolander?
1070
01:04:37,999 --> 01:04:39,334
That will be all.
1071
01:04:40,752 --> 01:04:41,836
[Derek] No!
1072
01:04:42,295 --> 01:04:43,213
No!
1073
01:04:44,464 --> 01:04:46,257
Come back here, Mugatu!
1074
01:04:46,508 --> 01:04:48,676
Mugatu!
1075
01:05:17,414 --> 01:05:20,417
[helicopter rotor whirring]
1076
01:05:28,967 --> 01:05:30,218
Go get Derek!
1077
01:05:30,301 --> 01:05:32,053
-What?
-Go get Derek!
1078
01:05:32,470 --> 01:05:34,013
And tell my orgy I love them!
1079
01:05:40,603 --> 01:05:41,479
Todd!
1080
01:05:42,772 --> 01:05:46,151
-[squeals]
-Where's my goddamn latte?
1081
01:05:56,244 --> 01:05:57,829
[whimpering]
1082
01:06:11,718 --> 01:06:14,345
Oh, and, um, here.
1083
01:06:18,892 --> 01:06:19,976
[snarls]
1084
01:06:20,059 --> 01:06:21,060
What's that?
1085
01:06:21,311 --> 01:06:23,521
-[Todd whimpers]
-I missed you, too.
1086
01:07:05,563 --> 01:07:07,023
Alexanya!
1087
01:07:09,108 --> 01:07:10,235
Moo-Moo!
1088
01:07:19,994 --> 01:07:22,789
[Mugatu moaning]
1089
01:07:25,208 --> 01:07:27,877
[both screaming]
1090
01:07:36,469 --> 01:07:37,637
[Atari] Alexanya!
1091
01:07:37,929 --> 01:07:39,639
Oh, no, hey, sorry to interrupt.
1092
01:07:39,722 --> 01:07:40,807
What? [giggles]
1093
01:07:42,016 --> 01:07:45,311
Don Atari. What you doing here?
Don't you knock?
1094
01:07:46,020 --> 01:07:49,190
Mugatu? What? No way, dude.
1095
01:07:49,315 --> 01:07:51,609
I thought you were
supposed to be in jail, dude.
1096
01:07:51,901 --> 01:07:53,278
You're like some
dangerous criminal
1097
01:07:53,361 --> 01:07:55,780
that tried to assassinate
a world leader, dude.
1098
01:07:55,863 --> 01:07:58,616
That was some crazy
retro-Bond shit.
1099
01:07:58,700 --> 01:08:00,868
So corny. I loved it, dude.
1100
01:08:01,953 --> 01:08:03,121
Who are you?
1101
01:08:03,955 --> 01:08:07,083
Uh, hello! I know you been
all Shawshanked out,
1102
01:08:07,208 --> 01:08:08,459
but, like, seriously,
1103
01:08:08,543 --> 01:08:10,503
I'm the new stupid
king of fashion, whatever.
1104
01:08:10,587 --> 01:08:11,754
Don Atari, baby.
1105
01:08:12,672 --> 01:08:13,590
What!
1106
01:08:14,424 --> 01:08:16,301
So you know who I am, right?
1107
01:08:17,677 --> 01:08:19,178
Derelicte was
the dumbest, dude.
1108
01:08:19,262 --> 01:08:20,513
You and SpongeBob are, honestly,
1109
01:08:20,597 --> 01:08:22,557
like, my biggest influences
ever, dude.
1110
01:08:23,182 --> 01:08:24,642
And did you just
escape from prison
1111
01:08:24,726 --> 01:08:26,644
in the most
ingenious way possible?
1112
01:08:28,271 --> 01:08:29,272
Uh, what?
1113
01:08:30,064 --> 01:08:31,566
And did you engineer
the abduction
1114
01:08:31,649 --> 01:08:33,610
and fattening of
the son of Zoolander,
1115
01:08:33,693 --> 01:08:36,529
and delivery of the Chosen One
for ritual sacrifice
1116
01:08:37,280 --> 01:08:38,948
as the key to
the Fountain of Youth?
1117
01:08:39,824 --> 01:08:40,825
Did you?
1118
01:08:41,951 --> 01:08:43,494
Did you? Did you do that?
1119
01:08:43,870 --> 01:08:44,787
-Nah.
-Nah?
1120
01:08:45,705 --> 01:08:46,706
Nah.
1121
01:08:47,123 --> 01:08:48,166
-Nah?
-Nah.
1122
01:08:48,249 --> 01:08:49,250
Did you say "nah"?
1123
01:08:49,959 --> 01:08:52,420
I... I said..."nah."
1124
01:08:53,296 --> 01:08:56,257
So, I just want
to ask you again.
1125
01:08:57,133 --> 01:09:00,762
Do you know
1126
01:09:01,638 --> 01:09:04,974
who I am?
1127
01:09:06,893 --> 01:09:08,102
Whatever, you're...
1128
01:09:09,187 --> 01:09:10,229
[stuttering]
1129
01:09:10,313 --> 01:09:11,814
I'm Jaco-boo-who?
1130
01:09:12,649 --> 01:09:13,650
Jacobim Mugatu.
1131
01:09:14,025 --> 01:09:15,109
That's right!
1132
01:09:15,193 --> 01:09:17,028
I'm Jacobim Mugatu!
1133
01:09:17,111 --> 01:09:18,488
Fashion genius.
1134
01:09:18,696 --> 01:09:19,781
And you...
1135
01:09:20,698 --> 01:09:22,283
You are no one!
1136
01:09:22,533 --> 01:09:24,035
Do you understand me?
1137
01:09:24,952 --> 01:09:25,912
No one!
1138
01:09:26,746 --> 01:09:28,289
I'm the Mamba Bajamba!
1139
01:09:29,540 --> 01:09:31,167
I'm the Mamba Bajamba!
1140
01:09:32,835 --> 01:09:33,753
Todd!
1141
01:09:38,132 --> 01:09:40,968
You'll take my name into death!
1142
01:09:41,260 --> 01:09:42,845
You should know, I actually
care about everybody
1143
01:09:42,970 --> 01:09:44,806
-and everything very truly--
-[grunts]
1144
01:09:45,723 --> 01:09:48,685
That's right!
I just killed a little hipster!
1145
01:09:48,935 --> 01:09:49,852
Yeah!
1146
01:09:50,103 --> 01:09:52,021
Prison changed me deeply!
1147
01:09:52,730 --> 01:09:54,524
It affected me psychologically.
1148
01:09:54,607 --> 01:09:55,942
I'm a psycho!
1149
01:09:57,276 --> 01:10:00,154
This is just the beginning.
Watch out!
1150
01:10:00,780 --> 01:10:02,115
Buyer beware!
1151
01:10:03,199 --> 01:10:05,618
Now where is that
chubby little blood fountain?
1152
01:10:05,702 --> 01:10:07,161
[cell phone ringing]
1153
01:10:08,621 --> 01:10:09,580
Hansel!
1154
01:10:09,997 --> 01:10:11,791
[whispering] Guys,
Mugatu just killed Atari.
1155
01:10:12,333 --> 01:10:13,459
[Derek] For serious?
1156
01:10:13,543 --> 01:10:15,253
Also, they're going
to kill your son tonight.
1157
01:10:16,295 --> 01:10:17,296
What?
1158
01:10:17,380 --> 01:10:19,799
Hang on. I'm gonna try
to get more intel.
1159
01:10:21,175 --> 01:10:22,301
[exhales]
1160
01:10:29,642 --> 01:10:31,853
What's going on?
Why did you kidnap me?
1161
01:10:32,103 --> 01:10:34,897
I didn't kidnap you.
Don't be a silly-billy.
1162
01:10:35,481 --> 01:10:38,109
I'm just a fun,
non-threatening clown,
1163
01:10:38,526 --> 01:10:39,485
that's what I am.
1164
01:10:40,445 --> 01:10:43,322
Who wants to massively
increase your caloric intake.
1165
01:10:43,781 --> 01:10:44,657
Look.
1166
01:10:45,408 --> 01:10:46,409
Come here.
1167
01:10:46,492 --> 01:10:48,911
There's an all-you-can-eat
pasta bar.
1168
01:10:51,998 --> 01:10:53,416
Abbondanza!
1169
01:10:53,958 --> 01:10:57,253
Spicy, hot pasta puttanesca.
1170
01:10:57,336 --> 01:10:59,464
Which means "whore's pasta."
1171
01:10:59,547 --> 01:11:02,884
As in a whore,
who made this pasta.
1172
01:11:04,927 --> 01:11:06,387
Doesn't that look delicious?
1173
01:11:06,929 --> 01:11:10,725
Next, an all-you-can-eat
lard bar.
1174
01:11:12,018 --> 01:11:13,853
-Squirt, piggy, squirt!
-[oinking]
1175
01:11:13,936 --> 01:11:15,730
Squirt it! Squirt!
1176
01:11:22,820 --> 01:11:24,405
All the lard you want!
1177
01:11:24,530 --> 01:11:27,033
Fill your little
tummy full of lard!
1178
01:11:27,450 --> 01:11:29,869
-Hansel, where is he now?
-He's okay.
1179
01:11:30,077 --> 01:11:31,162
It's actually kind of nice.
1180
01:11:31,245 --> 01:11:32,872
Mugatu's hooked him up
with some snacks.
1181
01:11:32,955 --> 01:11:36,125
He's got, like, a lard bar
and some cheesecake and stuff.
1182
01:11:36,209 --> 01:11:37,710
Oh, and some pasta too.
1183
01:11:37,794 --> 01:11:38,836
No!
1184
01:11:38,920 --> 01:11:42,256
Oh, no. You're right.
He's fattening him for the slaughter.
1185
01:11:42,673 --> 01:11:44,300
You can drop this stupid act.
1186
01:11:44,509 --> 01:11:47,762
I know who you are.
You're Jacob Moogberg.
1187
01:11:48,221 --> 01:11:49,847
And you're supposed
to be in jail.
1188
01:11:50,515 --> 01:11:54,185
Hey! Jacob Moogberg died
the day I put ebony and ivory
1189
01:11:54,310 --> 01:11:56,229
on skinny satin neckwear!
1190
01:11:56,312 --> 01:11:57,313
You hear me?
1191
01:11:57,730 --> 01:11:59,565
Okay. I got
to make my move. Later.
1192
01:12:00,441 --> 01:12:02,735
You listen to me, Biggie Smalls.
1193
01:12:02,944 --> 01:12:04,153
I went to prison!
1194
01:12:04,403 --> 01:12:07,406
You better scarf down
that last bowl of whore pasta!
1195
01:12:07,490 --> 01:12:08,533
We roll in two!
1196
01:12:19,585 --> 01:12:21,128
You okay in there, little fella?
1197
01:12:21,295 --> 01:12:22,797
We should call the police boat!
1198
01:12:22,922 --> 01:12:24,465
They'll never get here in time.
1199
01:12:25,132 --> 01:12:27,426
Who says swimsuit models
are useless?
1200
01:12:28,219 --> 01:12:29,387
Wait, what are you doing?
1201
01:12:31,639 --> 01:12:33,224
How long can you
hold your breath?
1202
01:12:33,599 --> 01:12:35,643
-What?
-Take me from behind, Derek.
1203
01:12:36,310 --> 01:12:38,479
And grab me like your life
depends on it.
1204
01:12:40,356 --> 01:12:41,399
Not like this.
1205
01:12:41,649 --> 01:12:42,692
Like this!
1206
01:12:43,025 --> 01:12:45,194
For safety. And buoyancy.
1207
01:12:45,570 --> 01:12:46,445
Wait. What?
1208
01:12:46,779 --> 01:12:48,489
We are swimming back to Rome.
1209
01:12:48,573 --> 01:12:50,116
Oh, okay.
1210
01:12:50,449 --> 01:12:51,534
[Valentina gasps]
1211
01:12:55,371 --> 01:12:56,622
I just talked to your dad.
1212
01:12:56,706 --> 01:12:58,457
And we've got to get you
out of here pronto.
1213
01:12:59,041 --> 01:13:00,710
I never want to see him again.
1214
01:13:01,002 --> 01:13:03,087
What're you talking about?
Your dad's a great guy.
1215
01:13:03,170 --> 01:13:04,589
He loves you like
you're his own.
1216
01:13:05,172 --> 01:13:06,716
I am his own!
1217
01:13:06,924 --> 01:13:09,176
He's literally
the worst father ever!
1218
01:13:09,552 --> 01:13:11,429
Do you know it would break
your mom's heart
1219
01:13:11,512 --> 01:13:13,764
to hear you bugging out
on your dad like this?
1220
01:13:14,682 --> 01:13:15,892
You knew my mom?
1221
01:13:16,601 --> 01:13:20,354
Oh, yeah. One of the most
amazing women I ever met.
1222
01:13:20,980 --> 01:13:21,856
Really?
1223
01:13:22,398 --> 01:13:24,358
You didn't want to
cross her in the sack.
1224
01:13:24,650 --> 01:13:28,279
Those hips of hers would put
a love lock on you to beat the band.
1225
01:13:29,655 --> 01:13:30,781
Wait, what?
1226
01:13:31,032 --> 01:13:32,700
I remember there was one night,
1227
01:13:33,117 --> 01:13:36,996
she had me and your dad
absolutely twisted in knots.
1228
01:13:37,121 --> 01:13:38,664
I was driving the freight train,
1229
01:13:38,789 --> 01:13:40,833
your dad's tearing tickets
in the caboose.
1230
01:13:42,418 --> 01:13:44,045
She had a mouth
like Chinese finger-cuffs.
1231
01:13:44,128 --> 01:13:45,838
You know where you, like,
1232
01:13:46,088 --> 01:13:48,049
try to pull it out, but it
just keeps getting tighter...
1233
01:13:48,257 --> 01:13:50,092
Stop it! God.
1234
01:13:50,676 --> 01:13:52,428
Look... I'm not going.
1235
01:13:52,511 --> 01:13:55,222
Well, Mugatu's planning
to crack your chest open,
1236
01:13:55,306 --> 01:13:57,433
cut your heart out with a knife,
and drink your blood!
1237
01:13:57,767 --> 01:13:58,768
What?
1238
01:13:58,851 --> 01:14:00,811
Here he comes.
Everything's gonna be okay.
1239
01:14:02,063 --> 01:14:03,314
It's okay, it's okay.
1240
01:14:03,397 --> 01:14:04,857
[stutters] I was exaggerating.
1241
01:14:12,865 --> 01:14:14,951
It's D-Day, little dumpling.
1242
01:14:24,335 --> 01:14:26,587
[both spluttering]
1243
01:14:29,215 --> 01:14:30,549
You're an amazing swimmer.
1244
01:14:35,054 --> 01:14:36,973
[muffled]
Why are you doing this?
1245
01:14:37,181 --> 01:14:38,724
Don't talk with your mouth full.
1246
01:15:22,351 --> 01:15:23,728
[speaking Spanish]
1247
01:15:24,228 --> 01:15:25,980
It's soaking wet! It's ruined!
1248
01:15:26,063 --> 01:15:28,190
How are we gonna reach Hansel?
We need a phone.
1249
01:15:28,566 --> 01:15:29,608
Wait a minute.
1250
01:15:33,612 --> 01:15:34,697
Like this one?
1251
01:15:36,741 --> 01:15:37,950
[cell phone vibrating]
1252
01:15:43,289 --> 01:15:45,041
-[whispers] Derek.
-Hansel, where are you?
1253
01:15:45,207 --> 01:15:46,500
I don't know,
some kind of tunnel.
1254
01:15:46,584 --> 01:15:48,669
I think we're underneath
the IncrediBall.
1255
01:15:48,753 --> 01:15:51,088
It smells like the ruins
of an ancient bathhouse.
1256
01:15:51,172 --> 01:15:52,673
It's at the Caracalla Baths.
1257
01:15:52,757 --> 01:15:54,133
I'll drop a pin,
or a needle, or whatever,
1258
01:15:54,216 --> 01:15:55,551
and you can track
my coordinates.
1259
01:15:55,885 --> 01:15:56,886
Cool.
1260
01:15:56,969 --> 01:15:58,846
They'll never let us in
looking like this.
1261
01:16:03,934 --> 01:16:05,269
[speaking Italian]
1262
01:16:05,561 --> 01:16:07,521
Interpol Fashion Division!
1263
01:16:07,980 --> 01:16:10,066
We need your vehicle
and your clothes. Now!
1264
01:16:26,207 --> 01:16:27,875
[reporters] Anna, Anna. Anna.
1265
01:16:42,556 --> 01:16:45,226
Why is Anna Wintour walking
away from the red carpet?
1266
01:17:03,285 --> 01:17:04,912
[whispering]
We have to get in there.
1267
01:17:06,122 --> 01:17:09,041
Every bathhouse I've ever worked at
always had a rear entrance.
1268
01:17:09,542 --> 01:17:11,460
I'm sure this one's
no different. Come on.
1269
01:17:19,885 --> 01:17:21,303
This is definitely it.
1270
01:17:21,846 --> 01:17:23,430
If I feel around here
long enough,
1271
01:17:23,681 --> 01:17:25,432
I should be able
to find the hole...
1272
01:17:37,486 --> 01:17:38,529
Derek!
1273
01:17:39,071 --> 01:17:40,072
Hansel!
1274
01:17:41,740 --> 01:17:43,409
Boy, am I glad to see you guys.
1275
01:17:43,492 --> 01:17:46,036
Hansel, my son is going
to die hating me.
1276
01:17:46,412 --> 01:17:48,205
Hating you? Last time I saw him,
1277
01:17:48,289 --> 01:17:50,040
he couldn't stop talking
about how much he loves you.
1278
01:17:50,166 --> 01:17:51,208
-Really?
-Yes.
1279
01:17:51,292 --> 01:17:52,418
He said that?
1280
01:17:52,501 --> 01:17:54,170
Yes. I mean,
I'm kind of paraphrasing,
1281
01:17:54,253 --> 01:17:55,629
and you had to read
between the lines,
1282
01:17:55,713 --> 01:17:57,131
but, basically.
1283
01:17:57,339 --> 01:17:59,258
Shut up!
Can we talk about this later?
1284
01:17:59,508 --> 01:18:00,926
[Hansel] Yeah, come on.
Let's go!
1285
01:18:01,385 --> 01:18:02,386
This way.
1286
01:18:15,816 --> 01:18:18,861
[Gregorian chanting]
1287
01:18:24,658 --> 01:18:26,243
[whispering]
That's Alexander Wang.
1288
01:18:26,327 --> 01:18:27,786
And Vera Wang.
1289
01:18:28,746 --> 01:18:29,955
Both Wangs.
1290
01:18:32,041 --> 01:18:33,292
[Derek] Marc Jacobs.
1291
01:18:34,501 --> 01:18:35,794
Tommy Hilfiger.
1292
01:18:36,128 --> 01:18:38,631
[Valentina] They are all here
for the sacrifice.
1293
01:18:40,966 --> 01:18:43,802
[speaking Italian]
1294
01:18:55,481 --> 01:18:57,942
[Mugatu]
In the beginning of time,
1295
01:18:58,275 --> 01:19:02,112
God created Adam and Eve...
1296
01:19:02,863 --> 01:19:04,990
and Steve!
1297
01:19:06,200 --> 01:19:07,743
[all chanting] Mugatu!
1298
01:19:08,160 --> 01:19:09,745
Mugatu!
1299
01:19:10,204 --> 01:19:11,664
Mugatu!
1300
01:19:12,289 --> 01:19:13,624
Mugatu!
1301
01:19:14,250 --> 01:19:15,334
Mugatu!
1302
01:19:24,218 --> 01:19:25,219
Mugatu!
1303
01:19:29,598 --> 01:19:31,475
-[whimpers]
-[all cheering]
1304
01:19:31,892 --> 01:19:33,185
-DJ.
-Wait.
1305
01:19:33,352 --> 01:19:34,603
We don't have backup yet.
1306
01:19:38,190 --> 01:19:41,443
Jacobeem Mugowto has deliver us
1307
01:19:41,735 --> 01:19:43,320
the Choosen Why-yun.
1308
01:19:43,404 --> 01:19:44,613
[all cheering]
1309
01:19:46,490 --> 01:19:48,242
And behold,
1310
01:19:48,492 --> 01:19:51,245
God expunged Steve
from the Garden,
1311
01:19:51,328 --> 01:19:53,956
-only to redeem us with eternal youth...
-No.
1312
01:19:54,039 --> 01:19:57,376
...bathed in the blood
of the fat little Chosen One!
1313
01:19:59,044 --> 01:20:00,254
-Derek!
-Derek, don't.
1314
01:20:00,337 --> 01:20:01,338
No!
1315
01:20:02,673 --> 01:20:03,841
[Derek grunts]
1316
01:20:03,924 --> 01:20:05,426
[both screaming]
1317
01:20:08,721 --> 01:20:10,681
I don't care if
you're fat anymore, Derek Jr..
1318
01:20:10,764 --> 01:20:11,807
I love you.
1319
01:20:11,890 --> 01:20:14,184
Look, I've made
a lot of mistakes in my life,
1320
01:20:14,268 --> 01:20:15,978
but you are by far the best one.
1321
01:20:16,312 --> 01:20:17,646
I was a mistake?
1322
01:20:17,730 --> 01:20:18,647
I think so.
1323
01:20:18,731 --> 01:20:21,025
To tell you the truth, we were having
so much sex, I can't remember.
1324
01:20:21,191 --> 01:20:22,860
Tell me about it, muchacho.
1325
01:20:23,068 --> 01:20:24,069
Ugh!
1326
01:20:24,153 --> 01:20:25,237
You're beautiful.
1327
01:20:25,321 --> 01:20:27,740
You have the fire.
You just need to believe it.
1328
01:20:27,906 --> 01:20:30,617
-The fire?
-The fire in your face.
1329
01:20:30,993 --> 01:20:33,078
I lost it the day
I killed your mom.
1330
01:20:33,871 --> 01:20:37,541
Oh, look. It's a sad,
scared little boy
1331
01:20:37,624 --> 01:20:40,711
talking to his fat son
about their feelings.
1332
01:20:41,837 --> 01:20:43,756
You are responsible
for all this!
1333
01:20:44,048 --> 01:20:46,467
You lured me to Italy
so you could escape from prison.
1334
01:20:46,550 --> 01:20:49,678
You made Don Atari and Alexanya
hire me to set this trap.
1335
01:20:49,762 --> 01:20:50,929
But enough is enough!
1336
01:20:51,305 --> 01:20:52,723
Enough is enough!
1337
01:20:52,806 --> 01:20:54,600
Eat my blade, Junior!
1338
01:20:55,184 --> 01:20:57,269
Time to die, Chubby Checker!
1339
01:21:01,398 --> 01:21:03,067
Magnum, buddy. Now.
1340
01:21:04,902 --> 01:21:06,070
I can do this.
1341
01:21:18,457 --> 01:21:19,458
Oh.
1342
01:21:20,793 --> 01:21:22,753
That did not work at all.
1343
01:21:24,546 --> 01:21:26,382
It just doesn't hold up,
does it?
1344
01:21:27,383 --> 01:21:29,343
You sleuthed
the whole thing out, Derek,
1345
01:21:29,426 --> 01:21:32,513
but failed to de-sleuth the most
important piece of the puzzle.
1346
01:21:32,971 --> 01:21:34,556
I own the construction company
1347
01:21:34,640 --> 01:21:37,226
that built the Center for Kids
Who Can't Read Good.
1348
01:21:39,061 --> 01:21:41,313
I personally made
sure they cut corners.
1349
01:21:41,480 --> 01:21:42,481
Literally!
1350
01:21:44,108 --> 01:21:45,150
But that means that...
1351
01:21:45,234 --> 01:21:48,654
That's right, JuJu Bean.
That's How I Killed Your Mother!
1352
01:21:49,863 --> 01:21:52,825
On CBS, right after
Two Broke Girls.
1353
01:21:53,700 --> 01:21:56,078
-Dad, it wasn't you!
-It wasn't...
1354
01:21:56,662 --> 01:21:59,581
Wait. You called me "Dad."
1355
01:22:00,290 --> 01:22:01,542
Oh, I guess I did.
1356
01:22:02,501 --> 01:22:04,545
Now you don't have
the ceremonial knife!
1357
01:22:04,628 --> 01:22:07,047
Which means,
no Fountain of Youth!
1358
01:22:07,714 --> 01:22:10,134
Come on, Derek!
We need the blood!
1359
01:22:10,592 --> 01:22:12,678
Stop being so emotional, Derek.
1360
01:22:12,761 --> 01:22:14,596
Just give him the goddamn knife.
1361
01:22:14,680 --> 01:22:16,390
Derek, we need the blood!
1362
01:22:16,557 --> 01:22:19,309
[chanting] Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!
1363
01:22:19,393 --> 01:22:22,563
[all] Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!
1364
01:22:22,688 --> 01:22:25,399
Blood of Steve!
Give him back the knife, Derek.
1365
01:22:25,983 --> 01:22:27,443
[all] Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!
1366
01:22:27,568 --> 01:22:29,695
[speaking Italian]
1367
01:22:30,779 --> 01:22:32,406
Shut up, Valentino!
1368
01:22:33,782 --> 01:22:36,118
Just shut up! Everyone shut up!
1369
01:22:36,243 --> 01:22:38,328
There is no Fountain of Youth!
1370
01:22:39,496 --> 01:22:40,497
What?
1371
01:22:41,123 --> 01:22:44,251
I mean, Adam and Eve, and Steve?
1372
01:22:44,585 --> 01:22:47,254
Are you serious?
You actually believed that crap?
1373
01:22:47,963 --> 01:22:49,047
What?
1374
01:22:49,465 --> 01:22:53,260
It's literally the stupidest thing
I've ever heard!
1375
01:22:53,635 --> 01:22:57,806
I get it if Alexander Wang believes it,
but the rest of you, come on!
1376
01:22:57,890 --> 01:22:58,974
Oh, please.
1377
01:22:59,057 --> 01:23:01,894
Without me, you'd still be cutting
patterns at Men's Wearhouse.
1378
01:23:02,519 --> 01:23:04,646
Oh, look, it's the White Witch
from Narnia!
1379
01:23:06,482 --> 01:23:08,692
Oh, no, I'm sorry,
it's just Anna Wintour.
1380
01:23:08,775 --> 01:23:10,068
I'll knock your teeth out!
1381
01:23:10,319 --> 01:23:12,488
I'll rip your
goddamn tongue out!
1382
01:23:12,738 --> 01:23:15,032
Check out the new
spring collection from Hilfiger.
1383
01:23:15,115 --> 01:23:16,867
Brought to you
by white privilege!
1384
01:23:17,117 --> 01:23:19,995
You couldn't make a down jacket
to save your life!
1385
01:23:20,496 --> 01:23:21,455
Asshole.
1386
01:23:21,538 --> 01:23:22,706
[Marc Jacobs]
I don't understand.
1387
01:23:22,789 --> 01:23:24,291
You're saying
the legend isn't true?
1388
01:23:24,416 --> 01:23:26,418
Why are you doing
all of this then?
1389
01:23:26,877 --> 01:23:29,713
Because Marc,
by Marc Jacobs...
1390
01:23:30,797 --> 01:23:33,383
I knew there'd only be
one thing that would gather
1391
01:23:33,467 --> 01:23:38,805
the entire idiotic fashion world
into one place with no exit!
1392
01:23:39,014 --> 01:23:40,057
Todd! Doors!
1393
01:23:41,433 --> 01:23:42,893
[whirring and clanging]
1394
01:23:45,354 --> 01:23:46,730
Todd! Silks!
1395
01:23:50,484 --> 01:23:51,443
Huh?
1396
01:23:52,152 --> 01:23:55,989
For years, you all left me
to die in a stinking cell!
1397
01:23:56,615 --> 01:23:58,825
Well, now it's my turn!
1398
01:24:02,746 --> 01:24:04,790
I was living a peaceful life
of reclusion.
1399
01:24:05,415 --> 01:24:06,833
Why drag me into this?
1400
01:24:08,627 --> 01:24:10,712
Because my big issue is,
1401
01:24:10,796 --> 01:24:13,590
I hate you, Derek Zoolander!
1402
01:24:15,509 --> 01:24:17,302
But then why kill all
those pop stars?
1403
01:24:17,469 --> 01:24:19,054
Why kill Justin Bieber?
1404
01:24:20,055 --> 01:24:23,225
Really? You're asking me
why I killed Justin Bieber?
1405
01:24:27,854 --> 01:24:28,981
Todd! Pooch!
1406
01:24:33,402 --> 01:24:35,571
[whirring]
1407
01:24:36,154 --> 01:24:37,698
It's a bomb!
1408
01:24:37,781 --> 01:24:39,616
[Mugatu] Not just any bomb.
1409
01:24:39,783 --> 01:24:42,911
A device,
designed by Philippe Starck
1410
01:24:42,995 --> 01:24:45,038
in collaboration with Al-Qaeda
1411
01:24:45,122 --> 01:24:47,541
for their new spring
explosive collection.
1412
01:24:48,250 --> 01:24:49,668
Todd! Floor!
1413
01:24:53,171 --> 01:24:56,133
When I throw this
into this ancient pool of lava,
1414
01:24:56,216 --> 01:24:58,552
it will overflow,
killing everyone in fashion.
1415
01:24:59,595 --> 01:25:01,054
Leaving only me.
1416
01:25:01,763 --> 01:25:03,181
You can't kill fashion!
1417
01:25:03,265 --> 01:25:05,851
I'm afraid fashion
already killed itself.
1418
01:25:06,393 --> 01:25:09,062
Mugatu! I'm coming across!
1419
01:25:11,773 --> 01:25:13,066
[Hansel] Derek!
1420
01:25:13,483 --> 01:25:15,652
Heat is a temporal construct
of the mind.
1421
01:25:15,902 --> 01:25:16,903
Yes.
1422
01:25:17,195 --> 01:25:18,697
It doesn't exist.
1423
01:25:22,701 --> 01:25:25,537
-Whoa!
-It's hot! It's hot!
1424
01:25:25,912 --> 01:25:27,289
[screaming]
1425
01:25:31,960 --> 01:25:33,170
Jesus!
1426
01:25:33,253 --> 01:25:34,921
Stop it, Hansel! Stop it!
1427
01:25:36,673 --> 01:25:38,091
Derek, toss me the knife.
1428
01:25:38,216 --> 01:25:39,384
You got it!
1429
01:25:43,847 --> 01:25:45,724
[groaning]
1430
01:25:47,225 --> 01:25:48,268
Sorry.
1431
01:25:48,352 --> 01:25:50,228
[both groaning]
1432
01:25:50,437 --> 01:25:52,064
So stupid.
1433
01:25:52,272 --> 01:25:54,483
What the hell is your problem?
1434
01:25:55,275 --> 01:25:56,943
You guys are the absolute worst.
1435
01:25:57,861 --> 01:25:59,404
Put the bomb down, Mugatu!
1436
01:26:00,697 --> 01:26:04,076
Oh, you're the bubble-butted
Playboy model trying to take me down.
1437
01:26:04,409 --> 01:26:05,786
Swimsuit model!
1438
01:26:05,869 --> 01:26:08,413
Sports Illustrated cover,
three years in a row!
1439
01:26:12,959 --> 01:26:14,211
[grunting]
1440
01:26:15,212 --> 01:26:16,254
[shrieks]
1441
01:26:27,432 --> 01:26:29,893
-Katinka...
-...Ingaborgovinanananana!
1442
01:26:33,105 --> 01:26:36,066
Game on, my sexy sister.
1443
01:26:37,776 --> 01:26:38,860
[Katinka laughs]
1444
01:26:40,737 --> 01:26:42,114
[both grunting]
1445
01:26:44,282 --> 01:26:46,076
Look! They're sexy fighting!
1446
01:26:48,286 --> 01:26:50,163
[both moaning]
1447
01:26:50,706 --> 01:26:53,250
[latex squeaking]
1448
01:26:57,963 --> 01:26:59,256
Awesome.
1449
01:27:02,426 --> 01:27:04,010
Tommy likey.
1450
01:27:04,469 --> 01:27:06,346
[moaning continues]
1451
01:27:07,472 --> 01:27:09,933
Hey, idiots! Maybe this will
get your attention!
1452
01:27:10,016 --> 01:27:12,352
I've got a bomb in my hand
and it's armed!
1453
01:27:18,692 --> 01:27:20,652
Derek, now! Magnum! Do it!
1454
01:27:20,902 --> 01:27:22,529
Fly, baby, fly!
1455
01:27:23,864 --> 01:27:25,115
Bust it out!
1456
01:27:32,998 --> 01:27:34,499
Yes! I knew it.
1457
01:27:46,678 --> 01:27:48,221
Hansel, I need your help.
1458
01:27:48,597 --> 01:27:49,848
Here, let me try!
1459
01:27:52,476 --> 01:27:55,187
It's not working!
Derek, it's not working!
1460
01:27:55,604 --> 01:27:58,231
I can't hold it, Hansel!
I don't have it!
1461
01:27:58,315 --> 01:28:00,525
You've got your son!
I've got nothing.
1462
01:28:02,736 --> 01:28:03,904
Not anymore, Hansel.
1463
01:28:05,530 --> 01:28:06,907
Who's your daddy now?
1464
01:28:07,282 --> 01:28:09,576
I don't know who my daddy is!
1465
01:28:09,659 --> 01:28:11,077
That's the whole point!
1466
01:28:11,286 --> 01:28:12,621
-Hansel.
-What?
1467
01:28:15,165 --> 01:28:16,416
I am your father.
1468
01:28:17,918 --> 01:28:19,878
Holy shit. Sting?
1469
01:28:19,961 --> 01:28:21,421
Let's do this now.
1470
01:28:22,214 --> 01:28:23,632
Synchronicity.
1471
01:28:42,526 --> 01:28:45,695
Nice try, but that looked about
as powerful as your fat son's--
1472
01:28:45,779 --> 01:28:48,114
I'm not fat!
1473
01:28:49,825 --> 01:28:51,451
He's plus size.
1474
01:28:53,286 --> 01:28:54,788
And I've got the fire.
1475
01:29:01,044 --> 01:29:03,713
El Nino! It's real.
1476
01:29:06,800 --> 01:29:08,677
He's so beautiful.
1477
01:29:10,136 --> 01:29:11,680
Bellissima.
1478
01:29:17,060 --> 01:29:18,770
The prophecy was true.
1479
01:29:20,730 --> 01:29:22,566
He is the Chosen One!
1480
01:29:27,404 --> 01:29:28,405
[gasps]
1481
01:29:29,698 --> 01:29:33,827
Hansel.
He's still so hot right now.
1482
01:29:44,504 --> 01:29:47,048
No way! It's a glitter bomb!
1483
01:30:00,562 --> 01:30:01,938
Looks like you still have it.
1484
01:30:02,022 --> 01:30:03,189
I guess I do.
1485
01:30:03,273 --> 01:30:05,692
-Well, we do.
-Mm.
1486
01:30:09,529 --> 01:30:10,655
Your face!
1487
01:30:11,197 --> 01:30:12,282
How bad is it?
1488
01:30:13,158 --> 01:30:14,868
Welcome to my world, bro.
1489
01:30:15,118 --> 01:30:16,703
-[Natalka] Hansel!
-[man] Hansel!
1490
01:30:16,786 --> 01:30:18,413
-Orgy!
-Hansel!
1491
01:30:22,250 --> 01:30:23,710
What are they doing here?
1492
01:30:24,878 --> 01:30:26,546
I knew how much
they meant to you,
1493
01:30:26,796 --> 01:30:28,340
so I called them
on the way over.
1494
01:30:28,423 --> 01:30:29,716
You did that for me?
1495
01:30:30,592 --> 01:30:32,677
You're the best friend
anyone could ever ask for,
1496
01:30:32,761 --> 01:30:33,929
Derek Zoolander.
1497
01:30:38,183 --> 01:30:40,727
You look so beautiful. Oh!
1498
01:30:41,353 --> 01:30:42,604
We've missed you so much.
1499
01:30:42,729 --> 01:30:43,980
I've missed you, too.
1500
01:30:44,147 --> 01:30:47,108
And I'm ready to be a father.
To all our children.
1501
01:30:49,527 --> 01:30:50,695
Minus one.
1502
01:30:52,447 --> 01:30:53,365
What?
1503
01:30:54,115 --> 01:30:55,450
I lost my baby.
1504
01:30:56,284 --> 01:30:57,160
No.
1505
01:30:57,786 --> 01:31:00,413
I guess kicking the door down
wasn't such a good idea.
1506
01:31:01,915 --> 01:31:04,250
We're going to be a family,
that's all that matters.
1507
01:31:12,550 --> 01:31:15,303
Wait. Are you sure?
1508
01:31:16,262 --> 01:31:18,348
You're right. We shouldn't.
1509
01:31:19,933 --> 01:31:23,812
Hey. It's okay, Dad.
I don't think Mom would mind.
1510
01:31:31,277 --> 01:31:32,529
Matilda.
1511
01:31:33,238 --> 01:31:34,656
Go to her, Derek.
1512
01:31:35,740 --> 01:31:38,827
-You're cool with it?
-I'm totally cool with it.
1513
01:31:39,577 --> 01:31:40,495
I'm dead.
1514
01:31:40,912 --> 01:31:43,164
Literally nothing
bothers me anymore.
1515
01:31:44,082 --> 01:31:45,417
Oh, and guess what?
1516
01:31:45,542 --> 01:31:47,127
Mugatu live-streamed all of this
1517
01:31:47,210 --> 01:31:49,170
to every fashion blog
on the planet.
1518
01:31:49,838 --> 01:31:51,798
Everybody loves you guys again.
1519
01:31:52,465 --> 01:31:53,591
Did you hear that?
1520
01:31:53,675 --> 01:31:55,510
We did it. We're back.
1521
01:31:55,593 --> 01:31:58,096
And famous.
And totally self-realized.
1522
01:31:58,722 --> 01:32:00,181
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
1523
01:32:00,890 --> 01:32:01,933
If you're thinking...
1524
01:32:02,726 --> 01:32:04,811
Lava pool party!
1525
01:32:06,938 --> 01:32:08,273
No!
1526
01:32:10,650 --> 01:32:11,651
♪ Relax ♪
1527
01:32:11,776 --> 01:32:12,986
They're back!
1528
01:32:13,069 --> 01:32:15,238
After six weeks
in the burn ward,
1529
01:32:15,321 --> 01:32:17,240
their disgusting
facial scars healed
1530
01:32:17,323 --> 01:32:19,784
by a miraculous
hot-lava treatment,
1531
01:32:19,868 --> 01:32:23,079
Derek Zoolander and Hansel
owning the runway once again
1532
01:32:23,163 --> 01:32:25,874
after exposing
fashion's top designers
1533
01:32:25,957 --> 01:32:28,585
in yet another
human sacrifice scandal.
1534
01:32:28,668 --> 01:32:32,422
This time with the aid
of Interpol agent Valentina Valencia,
1535
01:32:32,630 --> 01:32:34,424
now Zoolander's wife.
1536
01:32:35,008 --> 01:32:36,468
The two recently broke ground
1537
01:32:36,551 --> 01:32:39,012
for the Valentina Valencia
Center For Swimsuit Models
1538
01:32:39,095 --> 01:32:40,597
Who Want To Be Taken Seriously
1539
01:32:40,680 --> 01:32:43,349
And Maybe Transition
Into Law Enforcement Too.
1540
01:32:43,433 --> 01:32:47,062
Hansel, definitely back
and fully self-realized.
1541
01:32:47,145 --> 01:32:49,939
Now a model parent
and father of ten.
1542
01:32:50,023 --> 01:32:51,775
As crowds at Paris Fashion Week
1543
01:32:51,858 --> 01:32:54,486
go cray-cray for
Derek Zoolander, Jr.,
1544
01:32:54,569 --> 01:32:58,948
the world's hottest plus-size model/
National Book Award winner/
1545
01:32:59,032 --> 01:33:01,826
one-half of celebrity couple
Zoolala.
1546
01:33:01,910 --> 01:33:04,329
[male newscaster] Yes,
these three are totally on fleek,
1547
01:33:04,412 --> 01:33:07,415
redefining what it means
to be really, really,
1548
01:33:07,499 --> 01:33:10,085
ridiculously good looking.
1549
01:33:13,213 --> 01:33:14,089
♪ Relax ♪
1550
01:33:14,172 --> 01:33:15,423
♪ Pumped up
With the sex appeal ♪
1551
01:33:15,507 --> 01:33:17,342
♪ 'Bout to cop a feel
Then I foot the bill ♪
1552
01:33:17,425 --> 01:33:19,260
♪ I got bang, bang, bang
With the looks that kill ♪
1553
01:33:19,385 --> 01:33:21,054
♪ Sashay, Shante,
Then hit the blue steel ♪
1554
01:33:21,137 --> 01:33:22,931
♪ Trying to take a ride
In the cool mobile ♪
1555
01:33:23,056 --> 01:33:25,058
♪ You wanna keep me on the line
'Cause my culo real ♪
1556
01:33:25,183 --> 01:33:26,768
♪ Rockstar shit
With the Goose on the chill ♪
1557
01:33:26,851 --> 01:33:28,728
♪ My pockets so fat
Got a sumo deal ♪
1558
01:33:28,812 --> 01:33:30,480
♪ I'm a star
So the camera flicker ♪
1559
01:33:30,563 --> 01:33:32,607
♪ Look at her go
Blame it on the liquor ♪
1560
01:33:32,690 --> 01:33:34,359
♪ Doing it big
My selfie two figures ♪
1561
01:33:34,442 --> 01:33:36,361
♪ Could give it up
But I ain't a quitter ♪
1562
01:33:36,486 --> 01:33:39,906
♪ Ooh, I be flyer than you
World domination I'm so Mugatu ♪
1563
01:33:39,989 --> 01:33:41,991
♪ Yes, I be smashin'
Plenty of fashion ♪
1564
01:33:42,075 --> 01:33:43,827
♪ Doing my anthem
Now give 'em the Magnum ♪
1565
01:33:43,910 --> 01:33:47,163
♪ Relax, don't do it
When you wanna go to it ♪
1566
01:33:47,330 --> 01:33:49,290
♪ Relax, don't do it ♪
1567
01:33:51,084 --> 01:33:54,796
♪ Relax, don't do it
When we got the club moving ♪
1568
01:33:54,879 --> 01:33:56,798
♪ Relax, don't do it ♪
1569
01:33:57,006 --> 01:34:01,261
♪ When you wanna come ♪
1570
01:34:01,719 --> 01:34:04,347
♪ When you wanna come ♪
1571
01:34:04,430 --> 01:34:06,975
♪ Yeah ♪
1572
01:34:07,392 --> 01:34:09,477
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah ♪
1573
01:34:09,561 --> 01:34:11,437
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
1574
01:34:14,315 --> 01:34:17,819
♪ Pack it up, old lames
You just irrelevant to us ♪
1575
01:34:17,902 --> 01:34:21,698
♪ Old as the presidents your style
Is like the republican twos ♪
1576
01:34:21,781 --> 01:34:24,826
♪ And that's a definite
Give grief to all your relatives ♪
1577
01:34:24,909 --> 01:34:28,371
♪ And next of kin and
Gave 'em D-attention, no decificit ♪
1578
01:34:28,454 --> 01:34:31,583
♪ When I say ancient relics
Hansel and Derek ♪
1579
01:34:31,666 --> 01:34:33,084
♪ I'm handsome, you jealous ♪
1580
01:34:33,334 --> 01:34:35,295
♪ I can tell it
From facial expressions ♪
1581
01:34:35,378 --> 01:34:37,589
♪ You make wishes, I take 'em
You smell it ♪
1582
01:34:37,755 --> 01:34:43,303
♪ I'm sorry, Don Atari, but Donatella
Suggested Valentino for the party ♪
1583
01:34:43,720 --> 01:34:47,098
♪ Shoot it
In the right direction ♪
1584
01:34:47,515 --> 01:34:50,518
♪ Make it your intention ♪
1585
01:34:51,144 --> 01:34:52,812
♪ Live those dreams ♪
1586
01:34:53,021 --> 01:34:54,647
♪ Scheme those schemes ♪
1587
01:34:54,939 --> 01:34:57,192
♪ You gotta hit me ♪
1588
01:34:57,275 --> 01:34:58,943
♪ Hit me with those
Laser beams ♪
1589
01:34:59,027 --> 01:35:02,238
♪ Relax, don't do it
When you wanna go to it ♪
1590
01:35:02,322 --> 01:35:05,867
♪ Relax, don't do it
When you wanna come ♪
1591
01:35:06,117 --> 01:35:07,994
♪ Relax, don't do it ♪
1592
01:35:08,077 --> 01:35:09,579
♪ When we got the club moving ♪
1593
01:35:09,662 --> 01:35:11,789
♪ Relax, don't do it ♪
1594
01:35:11,915 --> 01:35:16,085
♪ When you wanna come ♪
1595
01:35:16,794 --> 01:35:19,464
♪ When you wanna come ♪
1596
01:35:19,547 --> 01:35:22,217
♪ Yeah ♪
1597
01:35:22,342 --> 01:35:24,844
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah ♪
1598
01:35:24,928 --> 01:35:26,012
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
1599
01:35:28,514 --> 01:35:29,849
♪ Relax ♪
105690
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