Original subtitles

-Which would make you final girl.

-Well, then who the hell are you?

-Well, I'm obviously the know-it-all horror guy.

-Security breach.

-No. -Security breach.

-You're not gonna want to follow him.

-Why?

-I'm really surprised she lasted this long.

-I cannot stress this enough.

Stay out. -I wasn't even there.

-Alarm. -Run.

-Don't mess with the bull, man.

Or you'll get the horns.

-Why would someone give us a sequel?

-What is important here is that we are in a horror movie!

-You okay?

-Thank you. Not here, though.

-She's not here.

-I know.

-What is it?

-Just looks like he's staring at me.

-Oh, look at that picture. It really captures his eyes.

-Wait. This is the video-store guy?

-Yeah. There's, like, not anybody here.

-What's up, Henry? You piece of shit.

-Holy shit, it's Good Guy.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey. Step away from Mr. Johnson.

-It's okay. Give the kiddies what they want.

-That's the good guy.

-Come on, swoop it. Big swoop on the "K."

Thank you.

-Sweet. I got an autograph from Good Guy's bodyguard.

-Chad -- he has a twin? -I've seen him before.

-Why are we at the video-store guy's funeral?

-Mother. -Ms. Kapowski.

-Darling! Oh!

-Do you know if there's food here or not?

-I believe there are hors d'oeuvres, sir.

-What the fuck's an hors d'oeuvres?

♪♪

♪♪

-Friends.

Family.

Countrymen.

Welcome!

First off, I'd like to give a gigantic thank you to Adele,

who just sang that beautiful song.

I'm just so glad you could be here today.

And to my friends and family, who all made that happen.

We're all rolling in the deep together.

It means so much to me that you're here today.

But it also means I've met my tragic, yet likely heroic,

but clearly untimely demise.

Being beaten to death against a tree

while in my sleeping bag...

...killed by a robot sent back in time to stop the revolution.

Leaving the oven on.

Trapped under a vending machine.

...an ornate puzzle box.

Great white sharks. Choking on a chicken bone.

Being separated from my conjoined twin.

Electrocution. A broken heart. Buried alive.

A hole punch through my face by the Devil's Lake Impaler.

Yeah, that's it.

And now a hole in me is a hole in all of you.

And I know how hard this is.

But you must keep on.

You must live your lives. You must persevere-ay.

You must stay rad, my friends.

♪♪

-Time to go, I guess.

-Let's get out of here.

♪♪

♪♪

-What the fuck is happening?

-Where's the door?!

-Pick him up. Don't you dare drop him.

-Bert, stay close to me!

Stay close to me!

-It's locked.

-Where are his glasses?

He can't see without his glasses!

♪♪

Hey!

Hey!

We're in here.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Mom?

Are you okay? -Are youokay?

♪♪

How would you like to play a game?

I mean, how'd you like to play a game?

I used to play games all the time by myself as a kid.

This one's awesome.

You all have been specially chosen to take part

in this fully immersive experience

like none other before.

It's the ultimate Rad Chad recommendation!

From beyond.

But pay close attention. It may just save your life.

-I got you, K-Bear.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-What's that?

-It's probably just one of the Sure to Die girls

making out in the bushes again, Nancy.

♪♪

-Hey, Tony.

-Got the wrong house again, buddy.

-Yeah, the New Year's Eve party is next door,

and the Sure to Die girls are all ready for you.

I'm sure.

-If you're gonna borrow our knives,

please sharpen before you return.

♪♪

-Is she okay?

-Well, yeah.

Laurie?

Laurie, honey, you can get up. There was some kind of mistake.

-Oh, I don't think that's a good idea, Ginny.

-Yeah, that was a bad idea.

-Guys, I think she's dead. -She can't be dead.

She was just studying, having no fun, doing everything right.

-Tony?

-Sally, it might not be safe.

-See? We are the final girls.

Just look at our androgynous faces,

khaki pants, and button-up shirts.

Killers take us for granted. They don't kill us.

♪♪

-Oh, hey, girls.

We're all partying super hard next door,

and we just can't seem to find our beer bongs.

Do you happen to have any?

-Uh, yeah.

I think we have some in storage in the basement.

-What is a beer bong?

You know, the Sure to Die girls thought it'd be pointless

to ask, but, hey, it's almost the '90s.

Maybe you guys have changed.

-Guys, I think we've switched places

with the Sure to Die girls. That's crazy.

They're sure to die. What's next?

Is a boy gonna be the last one standing?

-Good one.

-We're no longer being rewarded for being the outsiders.

-For being smarter than everyone in the room.

-For being a bad-ass.

-For avoiding sex till marriage.

Okay, maybe not till marriage, but I keep all my clothes on

during sleepovers and late-night parties.

That's just common sense. -Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

-Where'd he go?

He's gonna kill us all. We need to do something.

-Um, I can throw on that ugly sweater

I've been knitting and be his mommy and shame him.

"Bad Tony. Bad Tony, killer guy."

-I can stay awake for days.

-I can go into hyper-sleep until it all goes away.

-Hey, you're the bad-ass. Get it together.

-Nothing makes sense anymore!

♪♪

-Hey.

So, I didn't find any beer bongs,

but I did find this cool thing.

-That's a turkey baster.

-Ellen. "It's a turkey baster." Are you mad at me?

Oh, you should try this. This is something different.

-Okay. We have a plan.

So, Tony is only killing final girls.

But what if we use her to distract him while we get away?

-Look at her. Her knees are showing.

-We'll make her one of us.

♪♪

-She still looks hot. -So hot.

-Oh, yeah.

-That totally makes a difference.

-Okay, so, we're just gonna leave you down here alone

to, uh, do laundry on New Year's Eve.

-No problem.

-Nothing is happening.

-Where is he?

-I have an idea. -Of course you do.

-It is almost midnight.

And since the old rules don't apply anymore, what if we,

I don't know...

party like we've never partied before.

-That's a good idea.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You're so pretty.

♪♪

Oh! Ow.

This is fun.

We're trapped.

-Hello, ladies.

Laundry's done.

Although I think I shrunk that hideous wool skirt.

Not that Laurie needs it anymore. She's dead.

Uh, you're welcome. While you were finally

discovering the joys of personal pleasure,

I saved you from that guy.

Oh, crap. -We didn't need your help.

We've been doing fine the past two decades,

surviving, while girls like you died tragically,

walking alone in the woods,

having sex after a friend got murdered,

partaking in a midnight snack in the dark.

Alone?

-Just kidding.

You guys are right. You don't need my help.

-Found the beer bong, Buffy.

-I did not mean to do that.

-Leave us alone, you bitch.

-You had a gun this whole time?

-Look, I get it.

You all survived because your resilience and virginal vaginas

gave you the power to fight against the great male gaze.

And it allowed you to be that unlikely savior

of your community.

You proved their sexist theory that being a good girl

meant you were good enough to survive.

Catholic guilt, anybody?

But also, let's be honest, I mean, letting a lady survive

allowed men to spend the entire movie sexualizing

and brutally murdering every other woman in a film.

Women like me.

Who had sex.

A lot of sex.

And maybe didn't love studying.

-Yeah.

-We had no chance.

We were lucky if they gave us pants.

No, no, please. I'm -- I'm very okay wearing this.

One, because it's a cheerleading outfit,

and cheerleading is a sport.

And two, it is very practical for kicking ass.

But more importantly, it does not indicate

that I deserve to die.

Isn't it time we all come together

and let women be women?

Look at that gun. How are you even holding that?

-It's really heavy. -Yeah.

-Happy New Year!

♪♪

Welcome to the '90s, motherfucker.

-That was pretty good.

Horror fans are "so sick."

That's what you say to us. And, well, maybe you're right.

Maybe weare sick.

Sick of the pretension.

Sick of the world looking down on us

because we don't dare turn away from the violent,

the sinister, the macabre.

Oh, yes. We are sick.

Sick of you judging us.

And now a sickness lies within you, as well.

There's a poison coursing through your veins,

giving you mere minutes to put what you learned from the film

to the ultimate test.

It will do a number on you.

Live or die. Make your choice.

-I-I choose live.

-Yeah. -If it's a choice, right?

-Yeah, d-def -- We choose live.

-We got Bert, guys. We're gonna --

I think we'll be okay. -Wait, this is a prank.

You all knew Chad.

He wasn't smart enough to do any of this.

-Oi, when it comes to brains, Chad is the dog's bollocks.

-M-Maybe it's like an escape room or something.

-I did one of those once on vacation.

-It's an escape room.

How fun. I love escape rooms.

The key is we have to work together as a team.

I'll be project manager.

I think we should split up into small groups

and each take a section of the room.

That way, we can cover more ground.

-Uh, I did one of these once,

and the key was hidden in my shoe.

-Oi!

-I mean, maybe there's a trap door or something.

-Oh, great thinking. Okay, let's split up.

You come with me. You're a key fixture here, okay?

Don't let anyone tell you otherwi--

-Oh.

Oh, my God. Are you -- Are you okay?

-Oh, my God. Are youokay?

-Aah! Aah! My arm!

-Holy shit. -You barfed my arm off!

Aaaah!

-I think this might be real.

It's just those damn enchiladas.

-Oh, I got to take a Brad Pitt.

-What?

♪♪

♪♪

-What are you doing?

-I'll never let anything happen to you.

I love you.

Is this real?

-You bet, baby.

-Oh.

Holy shit.

Oh, no.

-Nooooooo!

-Aaaaah!

Oh, no, Bert. No, no, no.

This doesn't look good for you, man.

-I'll make it. -You -- Are you sure?

It's, like, really bad. It looks bad.

-You'll be okay, too. -How can you say that?

You're the one that makes me okay.

You're the one that makes me okay, Bert. You're my rock.

-Kameron!

Look at me!

You always had it in you. You can do this.

I believe in you.

-Really?

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

-Everyone remain calm.

We just need to --

This really hurts.

-What are the odds?

-Oh! -Oh, oh.

-Guess they're finally together now.

-Bert, this is your fault, in a way. I hold you acc--

Oh, what's that?

-Holy shit. It's a beer-pong table.

♪♪

♪♪

-I wouldn't do that if I were you.

It's about the numbers.

-The Benjamins. -What?

No, the -- the creepy hooded guy in the video said

that the poison would do a numberon us.

There are numbers on the sides of the cups.

-Okay, so we take the antidote,

we put it in the cups, and we drink it.

-In the correct cup and you're fine,

but in the wrong cup...

Probably something like that. -Okay.

-Oi.

So just grab the balls, walk them over, put them in the cups.

-Force field is at full strength.

-No good. That's bad.

-What are you doing?

Chad an I used to be quite the beer-pong team back in college.

But I need a little liquid courage.

What number? -Uh...

12.

♪♪

-♪ I'm taking a chance

♪ Risking it all

♪ For the thrill of a moment

♪ I'm taking a stand

♪ You ain't gonna fall

♪ And you've always known it

♪ They're dying to shake you

♪ Trying their best to break you ♪

♪ And though the going's rough

♪ You're going home as a hero

♪ 'Cause there's thunder in your heart ♪

♪ Every move is like lightning

♪ There's the power you feel

♪ When you get your taste of glory ♪

♪ There's a fire gonna start

♪ And you know they're going under ♪

♪ You can light the dark

♪ When they hear your heart of thunder ♪

Still got i!

-Try my hand.

-Well, here's to swimming with bow-legged women.

Am I right? -Doesn't hold up.

-Oh, right?

-Um, here. That's you. And this one's for you.

-Well, here is to --

-No, no, I can just drink. Let's just drink it.

Oh.

♪♪

-Are you some kind of a math whiz?

-No, no, I was -- was Chad's accountant.

But I left to go pursue my dreams of working with children.

Guess that's -- It's all over now.

-Oh, don't say that.

Were you a teacher? -Third-base coach.

Kids will never know when to go home now.

-Well, you really took charge back there.

I like a man of action.

You can get to third base with me anytime.

-Oh! Oi.

-Oh, uh, sorry.

-Guys? -Oh, shit.

-♪ Everybody dies in the end

♪ Everybody dies in the end

♪♪

♪♪

-Wasn't that fun?

My favorite is Alex's twist on that final-girl trope.

And now on to our next final girl, Miss Daisy.

She's got a killer that can't stop, won't stop

driving her mad.

Get it?

"Driving Miss Daisy."

-Oh, great. Another movie. -You'll get there.

But this is one of my all-time favorite sequels.

And sequels are the lifeblood of the horror genre.

Wink.

So pay close attention or you might just meet

the same demise as Miss Daisy yourself.

Mm?

-Daisy? I know Daisy.

I was gonna break up with her. I swear.

Please. No. Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh, please. Don't stab me.

Oh. Not the hand.

Not the hand.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Who is he?

-He is evil incarnate, conceived in Hell's womb.

Born without a soul, nourished by the teat of the Devil.

Spanked by Satan himself. He is the vessel of death.

-My dear Daisy,

he is your --

♪♪

-Another nightmare? -Stop the car.

-We're almost to my sister's place.

-I said stop the fucking car, Scott.

-Your nightmares always resurface around the 4th.

You know that.

-This was different.

They're getting more, uh, intense, more real.

I have to -- I have to go back to the cabin.

In case he comes back. -Daisy.

It's been over 20 years.

Baby, he's not coming back.

-He always comes back.

♪♪

-Fine.

♪♪

But I'm coming with you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-We're here.

♪♪

♪♪

Wait.

Be right back.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Daisy.

My dear Daisy, I knew you'd come.

♪♪

-Dr. Castle.

You're alive.

-Do you...

know this guy?

-Daisy. Thank God you're here.

I must reveal to you, finally, the terrible truth.

-He is your --

-Brother. I know.

-Oh. Oh, you do.

-Dr. Castle.

How did you know I would come here tonight?

This cabin and the 4th of July are deeply interwoven

into the blood-soaked fabric...

Into the blood-soaked fabric of the tragic tale

on which you and your brother is written.

Not only did you come here as children,

but it is the cursed sight of the very first night

he came back to enact his revenge on you.

I remember that fateful day of Independence

as if it happened in the fog of a bad dream.

Fireworks going off across the lake.

Finding your friends' corpses. Hearing your screams.

Shooting him dozens of times at point-blank range

only for the bastard to rise up out of the ashes

and give me this.

Daisy, I came back here for the same reason that you did.

The inevitability of Evil's return.

Karma's killer.

Fate's fiend.

Your brother coming back one last time.

-Who the fuck is this guy?

-After the last time I killed him,

I buried what was left out there.

I thought that was the end of it.

The final kill. The start of a new beginning.

-Daisy, I'm afraid there's one more thing I must tell you.

The bond between you and your brother goes much

deeper than merely the blood that you share.

-I don't like where this is going.

-Daisy, you are --

♪♪

-Oh!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Will?

-I love you, Daisy.

Daisy, shoot him.

-Craaazy night.

-But I watched you die. -Yeah.

And you didn't shed a single tear.

You were too busy crying over your shitty boyfriend, Greg.

-Greg was a good guy. -Greg was an asshole!

I'm a good guy. But you never wanted to date me.

I cared about you, Daisy.

-I cared about you, too. As a friend.

-Don't say that word.

-What word?

Friend?

-I don't want to just be friends.

I love you.

If I can't have you, no one can.

Come on!

♪♪

♪♪

Daisy!

You son of a bitch.

You killed your own sister, my wife.

You. You're just a dream. Dreams can't hurt you.

I'm not a dead boyfriend. I'm a dead husband.

♪♪

-Oh.

That's what I was trying to tell you,

my dear Daisy.

You are both indestructible.

Two sides of the same coin.

One light, one dark.

Destined to continue this nightmarish dance

as long as you remain in opposition.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Tonight is the night Icome back.

Happy 4th of July, brother.

-Oh?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Rad Chad loved you all so dearly.

-Nope.

-But you were so grateful and so disrespectful.

-Fuck this shit. -Honey.

-No. We have to figure out who's doing this to us.

-Well, don't butcher me.

I been across the pond.

-Probably this creepy fuck.

What? You work at the funeral parlor.

You got to be behind this.

-I'm not. They just have good benefits.

-I know who it is.

His name is Sam.

He was the only customer keeping Chad's business afloat.

His ultimate dream was to work at the video store himself.

But he wasn't, um...

right.

We all thought that he died when he took an ax

to the stomach and all of his intestines...

-Owie! -Come on.

There's no way anybody could survive that.

-You can't kill pure evil.

♪♪

♪♪

-How are you here?

-Oh, I've been here the entire time.

You just haven't looked closely enough.

♪♪

-He double-dipped a chip!

He's an animal.

-So here you all are.

At my best friend's funeral. But why?

None of you appreciated the Horror Emporium.

-Huh? -The what? What?

Rad Chad's Horror Emporium.

-Never heard of it.

-No. -His masterpiece?

-His gift to this wretched world that you all let go to waste.

-It was a video store.

I kept telling him, brick-and-mortar is dead.

-Especially in this economy.

-It's just a bunch of dumb B-movies.

-Silence!

Okay. This is the shit that I'm talking about.

You never appreciated Chad, and you don't appreciate horror.

Not you all.

Noooo!

You don't even know your own privilege.

-You're a straight white dude who lives at home with his mom.

-I am a disabled, straight white dude

who lives at home with his meemaw, thank you very much.

You're discriminating against me.

-She didn't discriminate against you.

She just pointed out -- -Facts.

-Yeah. -Okay.

Just shut up! Just shut up!

Jesus.

It is time to play a little game.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

No, I don't like this.

-And once again, you failed to take horror seriously.

You mocked. You laughed.

You called horror a B-movie.

Well, the real horror is the 10,000 bees

that I just put inside of you.

Can you be like Daisy and pull back the masks

that you hide behind to reveal your true selves,

or will you be ravaged from the insides

by a swarm of angry bees?

Time to get busy.

The choice is yours.

"X" marks the spot.

-I mean, he didn't --

he couldn't have put bees inside of us.

-Well, we were pretty mean to him.

-You do catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.

-It's not bees. It's flies. -A bee just came out of you.

-A bee just came out of your arm.

-Oh, there are bees! -Oh, my God!

-Oh, God. -The bees are real.

The bees are real!

-Okay, okay. What do we know about bees?

What do we know about bees?

-"Time to get busy."

Busy as a bee. We -- We have to keep moving.

-I don't think that's how this works.

-Yeah. No, no, no, no.

If you stop dancing, the bees start stinging.

So-- Someone give me a beat.

-Yes.

-What are you guys doing? Come on, you need to focus.

-Maybe we could sweep 'em out.

-What? -You know, like a chimney sweep.

-That's still a thing? -It's coming back in a big way.

Big chimney tried to push us little guys out,

but chimneys are recession-proof.

You should check out my OnlyFans.

Boasts big chimneys.

The bees! I don't want to die!

-Hey, guys, I think it's working.

I think it's working.

-Take off our masks?

In the movie, the mask was in the dresser.

"X" marks the spot.

Come get your goddamn keys.

-That makes sense.

♪♪

♪♪

-It's cinnamon.

-I use it in my garden. It kills bees.

-Oh.

Since I moved to the city, I can't have a garden anymore.

-It's relaxing.

I work for a nonprofit that teaches

inner-city children how to garden.

-Oh, that's nice. Ow! -Okay. Fuck, no.

Have you guys not seen YouTube? The Cinnamon Challenge?

That shit'll kill us.

-You guys, I don't think the dancing worked.

I think it just made them angry. Ow!

One just stung my kidney.

We don't have a choice.

♪♪

♪♪

-We made a huge mistake. We should've chosen the bees.

We should've chosen the bees!

♪♪

-What are you doing?

-It's too late for me.

-No, you still have time. -I'm allergic to bees.

Hey, um, I'm --

I'm really sorry about what I said about you earlier.

That really wasn't cool. -It's okay.

I'm different.

But we're all different, aren't we?

And that is what makes us special.

-That's so beautiful.

-Oh, God.

-And it's time for you all to move on

and live your special lives.

-God dang. -Again?

-God. -Seriously?

-Oh, God.

♪♪

♪♪

-What the fuck are you talking about, fungible?

-What the fuck does fungible mean?

-Oh. I didn't see you there.

I was just reading about Papa's big comeback.

Anywho, that last film was a real doozy, wasn't it?

But now we have a spooky treat from

across the pond.

It was an early Rad Chad's Rad Recommendation.

So sit back and hold on to your butts.

♪♪

-His instructions said, "We want mental openness."

I probably shouldn't have done that.

-The curious cat gets the cream.

-Oh, I'm not sure that's how that goes.

-There he is.

-What am I meant to be looking at here?

-I see it, in the curtains. -What the hell is that?

-It's the "Three Men and a Baby" ghost.

-That's a cardboard cutout of a kid.

-Open your minds, guys.

-This is why you've woken me up at 5:00 a.m. today?

-Apparently, the kid of one of the crew was

messing around on set and then...

He fell out of the window and landed on some prop swords.

They tried to cover it up,

but that just made the ghost kid angry.

-Why were there swords on the set of

"Three Men and a Baby"?

-Open your mind, Rachel. -It's open. It's open.

-My mum always says if you open your mind too much,

you let the bats in.

Squawk!

-Some people say that you can see a shotgun in his hand

because he shot himself.

-So a little kid committed suicide on a film set?

-Yeah. -Grim.

-And he's showing you the gun. He's showing you how he did it.

-Oh, I think they knew how he did it based on there

being a gunshot wound in his head.

-So did he fall out of the window or did he shoot himself?

-It says here it's just Ted Danson in a tuxedo

doing a dog-food commercial.

-In a tuxedo?

-You know, for fancy dogs.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Thanks for helping me pack all my brother's stuff.

-You know we wouldn't let you do this alone.

Have you ever seen "Three Men and a Baby"?

-No. -Come on. It's Ted Danson.

Ted Danson.

You know Ted Danson, right? -Who the fuck is Ted Danson?

-Well, I guess the song is wrong.

Everybody doesn'tknow his name.

Why did your brother live in a lighthouse again?

-Everyone always used to tell him

that his head was in the clouds,

so I guess this was his way of living up to the expectation.

-I see what you did there. -Cheers.

-Oh.

♪♪

♪♪

-Zoe, can I have this?

-Are you okay?

Are you sure you want to stay here tonight?

-Yeah. Yeah. I'm just puzzled why he wanted me to have this.

-Is that the one thing he said he wanted you to have?

-Kind of.

It's more like he wanted me to take care of it

but not watch it.

My brother was into some really weird shit.

-Whoo!

I found the remote.

♪♪

-Oh, that's better.

Oh, my God. It's scarier when it's ginormous.

-Is it just me or does he have tentacles for arms?

-It's you.

I think that's just a shadow, Zoe.

I mean, we just want to see what we want to see.

-No, look closer. -Yeah. It's not tentacles.

It looks more like blades for arms.

-But why would a boy who either fell out of a window

or shot himself come back a super-sword man?

What?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

What?

-I'm sleeping with you tonight, Rachel.

-I'll wear my best pajamas for you.

-Do you want to go?

♪♪

♪♪

-These are your best pajamas?

-I hope you brought earplugs 'cause I snore like a kaiju.

♪♪

-Why did you want me to see this?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Aah!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-It was sword man.

♪♪

Huh?

♪♪

♪♪

What the fuck?!

-Come on. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Come on.

♪♪

-Not again? -No!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Shit. God damn it. Fucking Jesus.

Sorry, guys. That got away from me there.

That was -- That was unprofessional.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't like this.

Okay, so he's the mean, sinister type.

Now let's play a game.

Gonna name your dog Chalupa?

-Other aerosols suck.

-Every night is movie night.

♪♪

-They're tropes.

So here's your apple martini and your trope,

Mr. Horror Dude.

Welcome to prime time, bitch.

♪♪

It's time.

Your journey has reached a new threshold.

And now...

Excuse me.

Okay.

As I was saying...

-So, I'm off the clock?

-Okay, could we just have, like, a modicum

of professionalism here?

Okay? I mean, what kind of ship do you think we're running?

-Hey. No, that's on me. I get you. Let's get back to it.

-Jesus.

Unbelievable.

Okay, as I was saying before I --

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,

it is now time for one of you to walk the path

less walk-ed.

Not walked a lot or whatever.

One of you will take this camera and venture

into the depths of horror not yet known and not yet found,

although the footage will be found at a later time.

Okay. This is really -- I'm fucking this up.

And it's because that little fucking freak

threw me off of my game, and the TV

is kind of tugging on my neck a little bit.

So let's just get this over with, okay?

Go into the darkness and find the key to release your friends.

If you succeed, they will be spared.

If you fail,

their skin will be ripped from their bodies.

Oh, and whatever you do, don't stop filming.

Now, who among you is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice?

Choose wisely.

-I mean, how do we choose?

-We could Rochambeau. -Excuse me.

Bo's dead.

-I'll do it. -Like hell you will.

-Hey, maybe we should do rock, paper, scissors.

-Hey, I think you're a fucking idiot.

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo.

Catch a tiger by its toe.

If he hollers, make him pay $50 every day.

And you are...

it.

-No.

-Okay, here I am. -No, no, no.

You can't do that, Mom.

-I've dealt with puny men like him before.

But look, if something happens,

I want you to know I'm fully supportive of...

-Wait, really? -Love is love, baby.

-Oh, God. -Watch it, mad man.

-And now you all lose because you're all losers.

Every single one of you.

-It's go time, bitch. -Good.

That's real good.

♪♪

Now let the suffering begin.

Ooh! Watch that shit.

Watch it. -Come on, Mom. Come on.

-Oh!

Oh, God.

Aah! Shit!

-Oh.

-Am I the only one that's getting hit with these things?

-Must suck, man.

-Ow! God!

-Hey, I found a key.

What the fuck is that?

-Ah! This is the greatest day of my life.

-What the fuck is up, Sam?

My nipple? Really? My nipple?

Oh! My penis.

Oh, God!

-You have played valiantly, but now it must come to an end.

I have such sights to show you.

♪♪

-Why?!

Oh, the humanity!

-Is it good?

What's happening? Hey, everybody.

All joking aside, if you are uncomfortable right now

and you've had enough suffering, let me know and we'll go ahead

and find a way for you to leave early.

-Oh, God, yes. Please stop.

-Gross.

-It's never gonna fucking stop.

-I'm gonna fucking kill you.

-I will tear your soul apart.

-Mom!

-Oh, you're alive. Very impressive.

But ultimately, it doesn't matter

because you didn't get the key.

Sorry. You lose.

♪♪

Jesus wept.

♪♪

-Okay. It's time for me to finally skedaddle.

I'll see you in the third one, okay?

-Oh, great. The chains are gone. Thanks.

That's the really --

That was the really uncomfortable part for me.

♪♪

-No!

-No! -Oh, God!

♪♪

-You asshole. She won fair and square.

-You're the square. -Fuck you.

-Pfft, whatever. I don't make the rules.

-What are you talking about? This is your game!

-Okay, but she fucking called me a bitch!

Hey, and you know what?

By the way, while I'm thinking of it.

fuck you and fuck you and fuck you.

And you know what? You're a fucking stupid face.

Oh, my goodness. I'm having way too much fun.

Y'all look so stupid right now.

Every single one of you are gonna fucking die

because you're all losers, every single one of you.

I look really cool right now and bad-ass,

and y'all look really helpless and stupid.

♪♪

♪♪

-You got to keep the mood in here alive.

-Oh, Chad.

You are gonna flip your shit.

Nobody knows movies like I do. You're making a huge mistake.

-People don't like you. I mean, look at your face.

I just want to punch you. -Chad.

I'm always here, and I will always be here,

until you give me the job that was rightfully mine.

♪♪

-Oh. Huh.

All right.

-Congrats on making it this far in the game.

And to think you guys did it all as a team.

You are truly doing the Lord's work.

I would know.

I was just speaking with him a few minutes ago.

Speaking of being dead, you're about to watch a banger.

It's about all the things that happen

when you mess with dead people.

Toodle-ooh.

♪♪

-This is not the first time Jason died.

It was the summer of 1993.

Hottest summer on record.

We were 12 going on 13,

the last year before we became teenagers.

Thick as thieves, they called us.

The only thing stolen that summer was my heart.

-Come on, guys.

I got to get back soon or my mum's gonna kill me.

-He's not wrong. Jason's mum was something sinister.

She's the original Karen.

If she were a horror movie, she'd be "Karen: Origins."

Sometimes I think we all harken back to the days of --

-Holy shit! A dead body!

♪♪

Holy shit. A gun.

-Was that his? -What?

Shit, no. This is my dad's.

He brought it back from Desert Storm.

Shot Saddam in the face with it.

Now he's got one of his lookalikes pretending to be him.

Uh, thank you, Ellie's dad, for his service, I think.

And -- And why have you got it?

-Because it's cool.

Guys, I have an idea.

♪♪

-How do we know this even works? -Well, it worked on telly.

-He looks like he's seen better days.

-He has. But life finds a way.

-Yeah. Are we sure this is, like, a good idea or --

Was climbing Mount Everest a bad idea, Jason?

-For some people?

-Look, when are we ever gonna find another real-life dead guy?

-In a couple hours if Jason's not home for dinner.

-Jason will be fine. Let's bring this dude back to life.

-Yeah.

-How long is it supposed to take?

-Everything okay down there? -Yeah!

-Does anybody want a drink?

We've got OJ, soda, purple stuff, Sunny Delight.

-Ooh. Ooh. I love SunnyD. It's got solar energy.

-No, thanks, Stat's mum. We're fine.

-Okay, then. You kids have fun.

I'll just be shutting the door now

and soundproofing it for no reason.

♪♪

♪♪

-Ugh.

-Okay, maybe this time,

we don't shoot him in the face right away.

-Sorry. I'm not a trained killer like my dad.

I want to go home.

-It's gonna be okay, mate.

I promise we'll get you there real soon.

Holy shit.

-Uh, hello, mate. Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

I'm Cooper. Can you say that? Cooper?

Stop murdering me.

♪♪

♪♪

-That's my girlfriend, you dead prick.

-Labels.

-Time to die.

Again.

No.

-Time to die.

-Motherfucker!

-Hey, now. Language. -Huh?

-I tell you, I open the soundproof door for 5 seconds

to offer you snacks, and I hear you swearing.

You don't talk to people that way, do you?

-No, Stat's mum. -Excuse me.

-No, Stat's mum.

-Now, that's more like it. Hey, Jason.

Your mom called, hon. Dinner will be ready at seven.

Best not to be late. And who shoes are these?

You better not be trying to reanimate

a homeless man's corpse again.

-Of course not, Mum. -Don't make me come down there.

♪♪

-That's for Jason.

♪♪

-Holy shit. A sword.

-Right? Some weird shit down here.

-Are we sure this is a good idea?

-Oh, yeah, 100%.

Then you should shoot him in the face right away again.

-Are you seriously gonna make me apologize

for murdering you when you were already dead?

-Oh, right.

-Hey, at least his speech is getting better.

You're the one who wants to do this to Jason.

I mean, it turned this guy into a complete A-hole.

-No. Shooting me in the face turned me into an A-hole.

Also, I was always an A-hole.

-I'm more worried about Jason's mum being an A-hole

if he's not home by seven. True, but, like --

-We'll get him a scarf. She won't even notice.

-But I'llnotice.

And what does that even mean? Are you doing one-liners?

-I'm playing on the notion that my idea of fashion

is more important than his parents finding out

that we killed him.

-You know, for a dead bloke with a hole in his neck,

you never shut up. -Guys, we got to get going.

-Come on, Jason. We need to you back, mate.

-So, turns out 12 year olds aren't very good at this whole

reanimating-a-corpse science.

After multiple attempts, reanimating-a-corpse science.

After multiple attempts,

we quickly learned that we probably just made things worse.

♪♪

-What do we do now? It's almost seven.

-Tabby has a calming effect on him, at least. -What do we do now? It's almost seven.

-Tabby has a calming effect on him, at least.

-We're gonna need a bigger scarf.

-It's a transporter!

♪♪

Whatever you put in here

comes out reassembled on the other side.

-That will never work. -Shut up!

-All right!

♪♪

-This better work.

♪♪

-Is it supposed to make that...

-Guys, where's Tabby?

-Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle.

Be our protection against the wickedness

and snares of the devil.

May God rebuke him. We humbly pray.

Amen.

Amen.

-Nice of you to join us, Jason.

-Jesus fucking Christ!

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

-We're so dead.

It took some time to adjust, but with eight lives left,

Jason would go on to live a full, if unconventional, life.

That sweltering summer day in 1993

quickly became one I'll never forget.

And although I hadn't seen Whiskers in more than 10 years,

I know I'll miss him forever.

I never had any friends like the ones I had

when I was 12.

Shit, does anyone?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Fuck. Jesus.

This thing is so fucking hot.

You have no idea. -This fucking guy.

-You guys think you have it bad?

Try getting in this fucking thing.

I'm talking 100 degrees of indoor not A/C.

Hell, you'll thank me.

And besides, you already knew

it was me the whole time, right?

So anyways, the game and shit.

Yes. You all have bombs attached to your necks.

You have to figure out which four movies inspired

what you just watched within 90 seconds

or your fucking heads will explode.

Cool? Cool.

-Activated.

-What -- What did he mean, inspired by movies?

-Uh, "Stand By Me."

-All right. -Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, um, it's inspired by "Stand by Me."

There's kids and a dead body and -- and narration.

-Oh. -So "Stand By Me"...

-The movie. -...is probably one of them.

-Yeah. That's okay. -Sorry.

-There was another one. The -- "The Thing." "The Thing."

'Cause they're doing the experiments in the lab

and they bring back to life a cat or a dog.

-I don't think that's it. -No, no, that's not it.

It's not -- It's not "The thing."

They were riffing on "Pet Sematary."

How could you not see that?

-Okay, we don't need gatekeeping here.

We know what we know, and we love what we love.

No one's an expert. -We don't have time for this.

What the fuck now, Sam?

-This is so much better.

And to be totally honest with y'all,

I'm getting kind of bored, and I really fucking hate you.

So I can't wait to see you all dead.

-Why don't you roll on out here, then?

-Oh, classic Jessie, always trying to be the hero.

I have a better idea.

Considering we're getting all up into this third act shit,

I think it's time for a good old-fashioned callback.

♪♪

♪♪

Come on!

♪♪

-Are you okay?

Shit.

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, shit.

-Hey, Dwight. Go long.

-Oh.

♪♪

-Hey, Damon.

You don't want them.

I'm the one who burned you, remember?

-Now, what do I do with this?

-"Be kind, rewind."

♪♪

♪♪

-Accepted.

-Hey, it worked!

-Find the other movies, rewind them,

and then get out that door.

-Oh, you mean this door right here?

I don't think so.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-What was that movie? It was the --

He -- He's, like, running tests on a fly.

-What's the guy that's in "Jurassic Park"?

Jeff, uh -- Jeff Daniels. -Then he, like,

tries to -- to splice himself with a -- with a fly.

♪♪

-"Pet Sematary."

Aah! Fuck. Kimmie!

♪♪

-What the fuck was that called?

-Accepted.

♪♪

-Holy shit.

♪♪

-"The Fly"!

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, hey. -Shh!

-No, no, it's -- we're fine.

Look, this is like an incredible spot I found.

He never comes over here.

-Oh! -Oh!

-God. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Whoa.

"The Fly." Yes. Good. Good. Good. Good.

Oh, God.

Okay, um...

What else? So, what other movie?

-I don't know!

-Hey, but there was a talking head. We need to find it.

-"American Beauty." -I don't think that's it.

There were experiments and there was a cat.

-Kevin Spacey has ruined it! -And there was green goo.

Oh, God.

-That door over there is wide open.

-I can't leave her.

-I'm fully in the belief that Jessie can save all of us.

I mean, have you seen the shit she was doing over there?

-Just stop. Stop. It's over. It's over.

It's over. It's pointless. He destroyed the rewinder.

-It's never over. -Destroyed the fucking rewinder!

♪♪

-Stay here for one second, okay?

♪♪

-I'll take a peek out and just...

-Um, is that a good idea? -Yeah, he's right there.

Yeah, he's right there. I'm not gonna do that.

-He's literally right there.

-Oh, Jesus. -Oh, hey.

I got it. Rewinding. What, what, what?

-We're running out of time. We're running out of time.

-I really think that clock is kind of off. So just...

-Hey. -No, no, no.

-You can't die. -I'm gonna find the other one.

-I'm not gonna die. Press the button.

-It's your movie.

You can't die.

-Accepted.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, ugly-ass killer guy!

-Call him Damon!

-Damon! Stupid Damon!

-Mention Jimmy!

-Jimmy? I hate Jimmy. He's a stupid fucking kid.

♪♪

It was "Re-Animator."

-Not accepted.

I'm sorry. Goodbye.

-Noooo!

-You okay? -Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you okay? -Yeah.

I'm okay.

-So, that explosion, does that mean...

Rick is, like...?

-Yeah. -Damn.

-Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh. -Oh, thank God.

Shit.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I can't get it. -Fuck.

-Here. Hold on, hold on.

Okay.

Ready?

Holy shit.

There really was a key in my shoe.

♪♪

Hello, Jessie.

You've proven difficult to kill once again.

You may be the final girl, but this is your final act.

I chose you.

I chose all of you.

None of you took horror seriously.

-Space is science fiction. Horror is, you know...

-It was always just a joke to you.

-The "Friday the 13th" one with Corey Feldman.

-"The Lost Boys" dude? -No, that's Corey Haim.

-Hey, Damon, don't you remember me?

-So ungrateful.

-I don't get it. -Baby, I don't --

-So unworthy.

-Oh, wait.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hello, Jesse.

You disrespected my mentor, and you disrespected horror.

You and Sam were only patsies.

He meant nothing to me.

But in the process, I found myself a father,

a leader, a teacher.

-Do you know what's going on?

-I found the answers I had been longing for.

My troubled life finally had purpose

with the one man who understood me

and the rules of horror.

-Kimmie, I don't understand. We've been together since...

-How'd you like to play a game?

You all have been specially chosen to take part

in this fully immersive experience

like none other before.

It's the ultimate Rad Chad Recommendation!

From beyond.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-What the fuck?

♪♪

-Horror was my life.

And ultimately my death.

I put all my brother's murder settlement money into my dream.

My emporium.

But no matter what I tried, y'all didn't show up.

I can't make ends meet.

So I'm gonna make meat of your ends.

-Oh, you -- you're gonna eat us?

-What? No, that's gross.

I had this one thing in college when I got really drunk.

I'm not allowed around goats.

Still owe my grandmother $300. Anywho --

I had my targets.

Now I needed my missile.

-It's the Devil's Lake Impaler. -Who?

-And with a little help from a little friend,

I had my killing machine and my targets.

What the hell is going on here?

-I saw you die.

-Did you?

I had formed the partnership that would define my life.

You're not gonna want to follow him.

I'm really surprised you lasted this long.

-Self-destruct sequence activated.

-We have to go.

-No. Youhave to go.

And now it's time to fulfill my legacy.

-And it is I who will take over his legacy

once he is dead and gone -- -Hey, whoa, whoa.

Slow down. Time out. Rewind. I'm, like, 36 years old.

I got a long time to live. -Well...

And I work out a lot. I do Kegels.

-36? -No.

-Right around there.

-This isn't even possible.

I don't understand what's going on.

-You didn't respect horror.

But now...

oh, you will.

♪♪

-What does that mean?

-This doesn't make any sense. Kimmie, what is going on?

-So they're working together? -What is happening?

-Game over. -Kimmie!

-I choose the bees!

There's my boys!

Ready to get your kill on, Dio? -Yeah!

-You know, Han, I never did give you shit

about how hard you hit me with that rewinder.

-You never know who's watching. You've got to sell it.

-Oh, I missed you! -I missed you.

-Pop couldn't make it?

-No, but he's awaiting your call.

Let's go.

-♪ They're dying to shake you

♪ Trying their best to break you ♪

♪ And though the going is rough ♪

♪ You're going home as a hero

♪ 'Cause there's thunder in your heart ♪

♪ Every move is like lightning

♪ There's the power you feel

♪ When you get your taste of the glory ♪

♪ There's a fire gonna start

♪ And you know they're going under ♪

♪ You can light the dark

♪ When they hear your heart of thunder ♪

♪♪

Have the lambs stopped screaming, Papa?

Have the lambs stopped screaming?

Papa. I seriously need to know.

I'm having friends for dinner. We may need extras.

Papa?

Papa?

Papaaaa!

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Friends through eternity, loyalty, honesty ♪

♪ We'll stay together through thick or thin ♪

♪ Friends forever, we'll be together ♪

♪ We're on top 'cause we play to win ♪

♪♪

♪ You've got a friend in me

♪♪

♪ When times get tough, you'll see ♪

♪ We've been together for so long ♪

♪ When I'm weak, you make me strong ♪

♪ I know I can depend on you

♪ To show the way and see me through ♪

♪ Friends through eternity, loyalty, honesty ♪

♪ We'll stay together through thick or thin ♪

♪ Friends forever, we'll be together ♪

♪ We're on top 'cause we play to win ♪

♪♪

♪ We'll make our dreams come true ♪

♪♪

♪ There's nothing we can't do

♪ We've been together for so long ♪

♪ When I'm weak, you make me strong ♪

♪ I know I can depend on you

♪ To show the way and see me through ♪

♪ Friends through eternity, loyalty, honesty ♪

♪ We'll stay together through thick or thin ♪

♪ Friends forever, we'll be together ♪

♪ We're on top 'cause we play to win ♪

♪ Friends through eternity, loyalty, honesty ♪

♪ We'll stay together through thick or thin ♪

♪ Friends forever, we'll be together ♪

♪ We're on top 'cause we play to win ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I know I can depend on you

♪ To show the way and see me through ♪

♪ Friends through eternity, loyalty, honesty ♪

♪ We'll stay together through thick or thin ♪

♪ Friends forever, we'll be together ♪

♪ We're on top 'cause we play to win ♪

♪ Friends through eternity, loyalty, honesty ♪

♪ We'll stay together through thick or thin ♪

♪ Friends forever, we'll be together ♪

♪ We're on top 'cause we play to win ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, guys. I think we lost Bert.

Yeah, Bert and I are melded together.

He's my bottom.

Guys?

I'm really, really lonely in here.

...aaaaaaa!

♪♪