Original subtitles

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Um, guys.

My map says that the camp site's to the right.

What, are you blind, Stacy?

That's where the insane asylum is.

Can't you read arrows?

I don't know, I just...

I really don't have a good feeling about this.

Let's go.

This weekend is all about no rules, no clothes,

and so cell service.

Drive, Zach.

And it's like that every time.

His instructions tell me to do bad things

and then get out of the movie.

That's my job.

It's not that bad, Mike.

Could you put these up a little?

- Yeah. - In front of the face.

- Okay. - If someone's coming at ya,

where you gonna put 'em?

Uh, here.

You gonna remember that?

Yes.

Up near the face.

I mean, first, they had me

planting satanic relics in attics.

♪♪

Oh!

Then they made me do that movie

where I was a shady real estate agent.

Hope you enjoyed the tour.

This, uh... This is the best house on the market.

Trust me.

It just seems too good to be true.

Uh, hm...

Uh, no, no. I don't think it is, actually.

It's got a really average good-to-be-true, uh, ratio.

So, if we went to the library

and asked for newspaper clippings

regarding horrific events that occurred on the property,

they wouldn't have any?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's correct, my... my good friend.

Any newspaper after 1975

definitely wouldn't say... anything.

I mean, is there gonna be enough room

in the backyard for your greenhouse?

Mike...

There would be room in the basement for the train set.

Of course, the rooms upstairs...

Mike!

Hey!

- Whoo. - We'll take it.

Okay, I'll go get the contracts

so nobody can turn around... I mean, uh, back out.

So, let's just remain firm eye contact here

as we seal the deal.

Mike...

Do you even know how hard it is to curse a doll?

No.

Lot of steps.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I think I know what your problem is.

What?

You're looking for motivation.

Yeah. Yeah. Of course I am, Wendy.

You know, I'm a person. I need an arc.

You know, I want to do something more.

I want to do something good.

Yeah, but it's not your job.

You know, you're a cold opener.

You only have a few minutes to put all the pieces in place.

What am I supposed to do then?

You know, it's not like I get to come in at the end

and rescue the good guys and arrest the bad guys

and have freaking finale, you know, like some people.

You know, my job sucks sometimes, too.

I have never hit the heart or the brain.

Honestly, I've never hit a vital organ,

and I don't get it 'cause I'm always...

pointed right at the head, and then somehow,

it's always the left shoulder.

- I just... - Maybe, maybe

I could hit a vital organ?

You know, I just... I've never gotten the chance.

- Mike! - Sorry, sorry.

If you start fantasizing again,

I'm literally going to punch you in the face.

Oh.

Look, no offense, but you're not a character.

You're better off with what you have.

Mm...

♪♪

This blows!

As if it wasn't bad enough

that we're babysitting on Halloween.

We just need to find the breaker box.

What was that?

It's okay! It's okay!

What do you want?!

Hi, I'm Mike.

I'm a... neighbor.

I just wanted, uh, to see if your power went out, too.

It did.

Thank you.

Good night.

It's just... C-C-Can we talk?

Uh, for a second.

I'm sorry I scared you.

I promise, I'm...

You can trust me.

If you're a neighbor, why haven't I seen you before?

I've been babysitting for the Patterson's for years.

A babysitter...

Of course. That's classic.

Excuse me?

And what's with your eye?

Is that some sort of Halloween costume thing?

Yeah, oh... That's right.

Definitely, um, a costume.

Anyways, I just heard some tussling over here

before the power out and just wanted to check in.

Well, we're fine.

Thank you.

Are you sure you didn't want like, you know,

someone to hang out

and, like, be all, "What was that?"

If there's a noise or...

That's okay.

I've got my best friend, Tess, here.

Hey, Tess.

Um, what about, like, a tough dude, you know,

if some crazy guy shows up?

I think you already have the crazy dude thing down.

Oh, no. No, no. I'm not...

I'm not crazy.

I'm, uh, I'm Mike.

I-I just want to help.

Hannah.

Talk in a second. Okay.

He did it. He cut the power.

Are you sure?

Look in his pocket.

Okay. I've got a plan.

Trust me.

Hey, Mike.

Want to come in for a sec?

Seems like you really want to hang out.

Boy, do I, yeah.

I'll be right back.

Okay. See ya, Tess.

She seems cool.

I'm so excited.

I've never gotten to do this before.

Do what?

Stick around this long.

You know, introduce my name and everything.

I even have a back story.

Mike, concerned neighbor.

That's great.

Yeah.

So, what do we do now?

Um...

Maybe help me find some candles?

They're in there.

Okay. Yep.

Oh, man, I'm gonna get fired for this.

Oh yeah?

Probably. Probably. But it's so worth it.

You know, Wendy was wrong.

You know, it's nice to have an arc

and feel like you're helping people

and doing some real good, yeah.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Oh, I can explain.

You better.

So my friend, Wendy, and I were boxing.

Well, she was boxing,

I was holding these weird oven mitt things,

and then I started to think, you know,

what if I could be the one to change my story,

and that's when...

And the sheers, yes.

I cut the power,

but, you know, what am I gonna do?

- Murder you? - You were gonna murder us?!

No, no, no.

I said, I'm not going to murder you.

Okay.

Tess!

Call the police, now!

This is just a misunderstanding.

Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Um, you okay?

Uh, Tess?

I think Hannah might need some help.

Do I take it out, or leave it in?

Uh...

Oh, no, no, no!

Uh, Tess, hello?

Man, I really hope you can't feel this.

Oh, my God.

You psycho.

- Hm? - You killed her.

Oh, nope.

No, I didn't kill her.

Honestly, yes, you, I stabbed

by accident, of course.

I'm sorry, but no, I didn't stab her.

I swear.

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

I-I wouldn't do that.

Oh, geez.

Oh, man.

Tess was gonna kill me?

I can't believe this.

Oh, no, it's not what it looks like.

Jesus Christ!

The shoulder?

Seriously?

You shot me.

Mike?

We got a call from some girl talking about a crazy guy

trying to kill her and her friend

and, um, the kid they're babysitting.

Oh, my God. I should check on the kid.

He's probably so freaked out right now.

No, no.

Don't.

I just mean... maybe I should do that.

I didn't... I didn't mean to kill everyone.

It just sort of... happened.

Well, it isn't good, pal.

Especially with the whole...

name thing.

Oh, it's just a coincidence.

Well, I'm sitting here with my, uh, friend,

Michael Myers, on Halloween night,

and yeah, there's a bunch of dead bodies around.

So you tell me.

I go by Mike.

I don't like horror movies.

They give me nightmares.

Yeah, I know.

Just a big softy.

It's just not fair, you know?

I just wanted to be something more so badly.

You know, I just wanted to do something good,

that's all.

You tried your best.

All we can do, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess, I just...

What am I gonna do now?

It's over. You know, I've got no job.

I'm definitely not getting another piece of paper

with instructions on it, that's for sure.

Come on. They always make sequels off this stuff.

- Really? - Sure.

I could be a... be a villain.

Sure.

Oh, I didn't realize the sun had come up.

Oh, yeah.

They always end horror movies in daylight.

It's a sign of hope.

Oh.

So, what do you think?

Uh, I just don't know about all the meta stuff, you know?

I mean, a movie talking about a movie within a movie.

It's just confusing.

You're just not ready for prime time, kid.

Well, you know, a phoenix has to burn

before it can rise from the ashes.

So...

I have no idea what that means.

Me neither. My dad would just always say it.

I never met my father.

Cool.

Uh, this is my stop.

Uh, well...

thanks for the ride.

Ah.

Hey, remember kid.

Picking up hitchhikers is dangerous business.

That's how horror movies start.

You're scary, mister.

On time.

And for your consideration.

Damn it, Sam.

You know how I feel about this.

I'd be the model employee.

This is a damn shame.

I just... I can't.

I have an encyclopedic knowledge of movies.

Nobody knows movies like I do.

You're making a huge mistake.

People don't like you.

I mean, look at your face.

I just want to punch it.

Chad!

How many times have you been punched

in the face this week?

That's a trick question because you know my mom

hits me every morning to wake me up.

Give me the job, man.

Someone will come apply.

Someday.

Keep those dreams alive, partner.

Yeah, you too.

I'll be here!

Until your mom picks you up.

Hello, I'm here for video store clerk position.

- Name. - Hawn Fan.

- Ever committed a felony? - No.

- Legal to work in the US? - Yes.

Reliable form of transportation?

- Yes. - High school, GED,

or equivalent? - Yes.

Have you ever suffered the untimely

and crushing loss of a loved one?

- No. - Nancy Thompson

- or Laurie Strode? - Laurie.

"Leprechaun in Space" or "Leprechaun in the Hood"?

"Space", I guess.

Better sequel, "Troll 2" or "Halloween I I I"?

Neither follow the official canon.

So neither are official sequels, sir.

Have you ever had a best friend?

No, sir.

When could you start?

Now?

"Season of the Witch" was pretty awesome, though, huh?

Right.

You got to come forward with it.

- Yeah, there you go. - Yes, sir.

We'll just stick with low fives for now.

Yeah. That's a handshake.

- We'll work on that. - Sir.

Come on around.

I'm training somebody right now, Mom.

I told you, I'll make it home for dinner.

I might bring a friend.

Anyway, you're gonna hit F4, F11, and F9

with control-alt to get to the account.

This one again?

It's bloody fucking hilarious.

Bloody and hilarious? Or are you just British?

What?

I'll have to check it out.

You haven't seen it?

Oh, Chad,

you are gonna flip your shit.

You better clear your schedule

because this is required viewing.

It all starts with a group of characters

walking through the woods,

and you don't know what's gonna happen next.

When then, all of a sudden,

one of the characters...

steps in some nasty goo.

There's bug guts on my shoe.

You're a big boy, hon. You can clean it yourself.

Fine.

So, do you think tonight's gonna be the night with Trip?

I don't know. I brought my own tent, so...

Oh. Huh, weird.

I don't see you setting it up?

Well, I think it would be a little bit strange

with you guys right there.

Oh, that's okay 'cause I like to watch, so it's good.

Hey, uh, you guys talking about fucking, or...?

Hey! Hey, you got to help me.

I need your help, okay? You have to help me.

What's up, man?

Are you hurt?

I'm dangerous.

You got to lock me up or tie me up,

'cause I'm gonna change.

I'm gonna change.

Oh, yeah, okay, hydrate.

Wow.

Oh, somebody get this girl a refill.

Piss off, dude.

Get out of here.

You don't understand!

I'm gonna kill you all!

I'm sorry, but...

You have to kill me!

Please!

Let's help him.

This won't work!

Need silver!

Sticks won't work, you fucks!

You need sliver!

Oh!

Your earrings.

Your earrings!

Hurry!

Those are gold, okay?

Throw your watch.

Try your watch! Try your watch!

Aah!

That's fake. That's fake.

Oops. I... The guy said it was...

He was real nice. Um...

You cheapskate!

Hurry! Hurry!

What do I do?

I don't know.

Are those silver?

I like fancy things.

Nice, dude.

Okay, great. You paused the transformation.

That's good.

Could have happened a little bit sooner,

but, um...

Look, next we...

Hey, why does that guy have handcuffs?

Hey, yeah.

Oh, he's kinky.

Were those meant for me?

You? Yeah.

Just not in the way you were thinking.

Oh, he's super kinky.

He's the backwoods slasher!

Hey, stay back, Trip.

You guys all right?

Hey, that guy's blood is getting in my blood.

Trip, bro, bro.

Trip...

You are deceptively strong, my dude.

Oh, that's disgusting.

♪♪

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Did he follow us?

Brenda. Brenda, look at me.

I love you so much. You're my best friend.

We're gonna be fine. Okay?

I promise you. I promise you.

I'm gonna get help. You wait here.

No, no, no. I think we should stick together.

Shh!

Hello?

I'm still here.

Kill me?

Goddamn it.

I think my eyes are gonna fall out.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hey.

Hi, I'm hunting a creature...

Well, a man.

Maybe you've seen him.

- Shh. - He's about ye tall.

He might be changing into something.

Keep it down.

Why are you down there?

Oh, did you lose a contact?

Oh, that's not... Jesus!

Beating me with my own leg.

Oh!

Now he's beating me with both my legs.

I just signed up for a marathon.

I got a butterfly ankle tattoo.

I'll never enjoy it now.

Hey, hey, hey. Lady, down here.

Yeah, you.

Hey, if you unchain me, I can help you.

No, I'm sorry.

You're too gross. I can't touch you.

No, I'm fine. This is all hypoallergenic.

You're not gonna get sick at all.

Look at me, come on.

Do I look somebody that's gonna hurt you?

People say I have kind eyes.

Sorry, I just really don't want to get goo on my...

Hey, hey.

- Me? - Yeah.

Y-You know when that guy, like, slipped in my goo?

Some of it separated from the rest of my goo.

Do you think you could just push it back together,

kind of consolidate the goo for me?

I... no. I just don't feel comfortable,

with, you know, touching the goo.

I'm just a little concerned that, like, when I change back,

if I'm missing some of the goo,

I don't know what's gonna happen, honestly.

This isn't... You can't learn this stuff in a manual.

So, for me, it's a little bit scary.

- Yeah, okay, sure. - Yes, great.

Yeah.

Seriously, this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done...

- Aah! - Ow!

I thought I could control it.

I can't control it. Now we know.

Ow!

My apologies in advance for what's gonna...

Yeah, it's happening now. You look disgusting.

God damn it!

- Okay, from this green goo on... - Uh-huh.

That's my side.

Okay, you have your side. I have my side.

Maybe let's just not talk for awhile.

All right. Fine by me.

I can not talk all day.

All fucking day.

What you thinking about?

I'm melting! I'm melting!

He was changing, not melting.

Shut up! What do you know?

I know you owe me $1 .49 for that soda.

Why don't you go get cleaned up, man?

Does that kind of thing happen a lot here?

More than you would think.

All right. Training time.

If I don't teach you anything else today,

you're gonna learn your ABCs.

Always be...

playing video cassettes.

Okay? You got to keep the mood in here alive, all right?

You're like a deejay, but you're playing videos.

So like a video deejay.

You see that door over there?

Never go in that door.

Okay.

Under any circumstances.

I cannot stress this enough.

Stay out.

You're doing great.

Go ahead and take a little break.

My little Pikachu.

Hello!

Come on!

Unbelievable.

Hawn, come on, man.

Do you even want this?

I just...

Yes, sir. I'll work harder.

This is what disappointment looks like.

You don't want to feel what it feels like.

Strike one.

On the house.

Looks like you're having a rough night.

It's 11:00 a.m.

Yeah.

Having some trouble at home.

You know what they say.

Home is where the heart is.

You know, that is very true.

And the heart...

is where the blood is.

Hm.

And the blood...

blood is thicker than water.

I'm gonna go.

Uh, you know,

I got to... I got to go over there.

Thank you.

Okay.

I'm doing the best that I can.

You need to start making some real contributions

to this family.

You're not pulling your weight.

You're not providing like you should.

I'm doing all the sacrificing around here.

What do you want from me?

Be a man.

♪♪

Look, I'm just gonna take up most of the sidewalk.

That's just how it goes. Okay?

You fucking move.

I don't give a shit.

You know, who cares? Who gives a shit?

That's exactly what I've been talking about all these weeks.

Look around you.

Men have lost their way from the pack.

We are primal.

We are pure, carnal instincts!

Fantasy leagues,

comic book movies,

politics.

Nerd shit.

Exactly. What I was talking about.

You see that? We should be reacting, not cowering.

They are trying to domesticate us.

We roll over, and we beg,

because society says we should be softer, gentler.

We heel to be good boys.

We obey when we hear

the silent whistle of emasculation.

The muzzle of oppression is keeping us from being

who we were meant to be.

We're gonna take it back,

and we're gonna attack.

Right for the jugular.

♪♪

Okay.

So let's, uh...

Let's hear from each other, yeah?

Shared plates?

What if I just want my own meal?

If I want to wear boat shoes to her uncle's funeral,

what's wrong with that?

If Billy Joel can write "Storm Front" while wasted,

I can do my taxes while stoned.

So now what?

Now at work they want me to count the seconds

of the hugs that I give?

What about woman-splaining?

I downloaded that pic of the babysitter

from Facebook for you.

It actually takes less energy to put a seat down.

Well, if you can't break the glass ceiling,

you might as well clean it.

I park like that on purpose. It's a power move.

What do you mean what's happening in the movie?

Just watch the movie.

Just because I ask you to shave your pubes

doesn't mean I have to, too.

And I told her, you don't understand.

I don't live with my mom, my mom lives with me.

I have no idea where your keys are.

You want to talk about pro choice?

I don't even know what they did with my foreskin.

Who brought these, by the way?

Thanks for coming out.

You know, you would have been more than welcome to join us.

You look like you have a lot on your mind.

A lot of things you said really struck a chord.

Mm. Well, there's a lot more

to us than what you saw here today.

It goes a lot further.

I'm interested. I could really use a change.

I really like you said about the muzzle.

Yeah. No, it makes sense.

Okay, I tell you what.

We're having a get-together tonight.

Very special, very exclusive.

It's just a little game we play every month.

You interested?

Yeah.

Great.

He's gonna join us.

Hey, guys.

- Hey. - Hey.

Cookies.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Just in time.

Tonight...

we return to our glory.

Tonight, we reclaim our spot as the alpha

by bringing about the omega.

Tonight, we hunt.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Are you ready to join the pack?

I've already got one.

♪ Here in the witching hour ♪

♪ I stand here bleeding out ♪

♪ Thought I knew you ♪

♪ There's something sinister ♪

♪ I can't resist the urge ♪

♪ To pull the covers off and look ♪

♪ In the middle ♪

♪ In the middle of the night ♪

♪ In the middle ♪

♪ In the middle of the night ♪

Honey, I'm home.

Oh, if you'll excuse me.

You almost didn't make it in time.

You did it.

I knew you'd come through.

I had to improvise.

Werewolves.

What a surprise.

Well, it's not like we have a monopoly on full moons.

I hope it wasn't too difficult.

I just really wanted to show you how much I cared.

Show everybody.

Well, we didn't start without you. Come on.

Oh, werewolf pelts.

You know, these are a real delicacy.

This is gonna be great for the whole family.

Come on, guys. Uh, everybody let's get started.

Is that a dead animal?

Looks real, don't it?

It even feels real.

Feels dead.

That is a screen-used prop, my friend...

From a werewolf movie.

Anyhoo, I got to go get some work done.

Do you know what they call a Goldie Hawn

in the fetish community?

It's when you find a gentleman by the name of Hawn

and urinate on him.

I'm not gonna do that to you, Hawn,

'cause I don't have that fetish.

Besides...

I don't even know if you're real name is Hawn.

I am using my real name.

I-I mean...

What? Nothing.

Shut up.

W-Why do you have a balloon?

I can't...

tell you that.

There are balloon fetishists, as well,

and I think Chad might be one of them.

So if you want to keep working here

with a pervert like that...

you can.

There's still a killer on the loose targeting girls.

Thank you.

We got wine! We got wine!

Yes!

You know what? You need to read

"The Power of Now" so we can just be

in the moment and not think about...

I've been in the moment for 30 minutes

waiting for you guys.

Well, let's get in the moment and let's go.

This is amazing!

Oh, this looks like my grandma's house.

I kind of love it.

Let's get drunk!

Yes.

I haven't had sugar in 82 days.

Calling it!

Last time I had rosé with you girls,

I knocked my front teeth out

on a marble statue of the Madonna.

- Did you use porcelain? - It's still plastic.

- I never changed it. - You didn't?

You cheap bitch.

It was 75 bucks.

- Oh, girl. - Look.

Yeah. She still has a scar.

No pain, no gain.

Yeah. You shouldn't be swimming...

Go. Oh, that's the one!

Isn't this nice, just getting away?

I can't believe you almost didn't make it.

- What? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, what, are you getting too cool for us now?

Hey, I'm here, aren't I?

- Come on. - Very true.

What did you do to our friend?

You're going to ruin the anti-aging process.

Ooh.

I look 22, right?

Yeah, I mean...

Um...

what is that?

You stole that.

So what?

You are such a klepto.

- It's fine. - I admit it.

We bought a bunch of stuff there, it's fine.

- That's right. - You want to try it?

Give me this thing.

This is giant.

You are cheap as shit.

It was not easy to steal this.

Pretty good find.

I don't feel so good.

My face is... real hot.

Oh, thank you.

I don't think I have any pain killers.

I think I might have something.

Oh, my God!

- What? - You still have this?

Yeah.

Mine broke ages ago.

- Aw. - Oh, my God.

Allie, remember this night?

You almost went home with that guy

that looks like a turtle.

Oh, my God! She did.

He like literally had a shell.

He was disgusting.

He was super creepy.

We were like, "No, but..."

Allie?

Allie?

I take it back.

I think I feel better now.

What's wrong, you guys?

Oh, my God.

What?

You guys.

No!

Jamie...

Oh!

What do you think of this color?

This is all your fault!

Don't worry. We can fix this.

How are we gonna fix this?!

I got it! I got it! I got it.

Whoa.

Hello?

I'm wondering about a piece of candy

that we got at your store.

- Tell her I'm sorry. - Yeah.

Why is she... Why are you laughing?

What is so funny?!

Keep your focus!

Never break!

Wow, you're good.

Okay.

Faster, faster! You got to move!

Got to move.

Efficiency, elegance, destruction of ego.

I've got to say,

I am really impressed.

You clean a hell of a bathroom.

Thank you, sir.

Now, we just got to get that piranha tank clean.

The what?

Why do you even have that?

It was a failed promotion I did back in 2010.

No way.

Did you just say no to me?

I'll clean it.

Where did you come from?

I'm always here.

And I will always be here

until you give me the job that was rightfully mine.

You guys continue having your little

employee/employer meeting in the bathroom.

That's my mom.

She's out getting the shaggin' wagon detailed.

Big plans this weekend.

So, you're not off the hook.

I'll be back.

I'll be back real soon.

He will. He just keeps coming back again and again.

He's like that killer in

"The Night He Came Back Again: Part IV, The Final Kill."

You know that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me?

God damn it, Mom! I'm coming.

Who?

Just this dude.

He kills people, keeps coming back again.

How much longer do we have to watch this?

Now!

Every Fourth of July,

we have fireworks,

hot dogs, and you.

Whether at a cabin, the county fair,

or summer camp,

you show up and kill everyone,

including my boyfriends!

You'll be fine.

Every year, I leave you for dead.

And the next year...

you come back.

That ends tonight.

That was easy.

Thanks.

Yeah, no problem.

Aah!

Babe, it's over now. He can't hurt you anymore.

Now we can finally go all the way.

No, it's not over.

He could still come back.

Babe, he's dead.

Look.

Greg, don't.

Do you know how many girls I turned down this year

because I was saving myself for you?!

Stop messing around, Greg.

Fuck off, Will.

Greg.

Daisy, he's dead.

Now have sex with me!

♪♪

Will, get the jumper cables.

Okay. He's ready.

Why are they on his nipples?

I mean, isn't... Isn't that where they go?

No, this isn't some porno. Put it on his neck.

Come on, man.

I didn't... I...

Okay.

That's good.

Just... die!

Did it work?

Seth, don't. It's too dangerous.

It's okay.

I'm pre-med.

Oh.

Damn it!

Say hi to the Founding Fathers, asshole.

Oh, sorry. Okay.

Happy Fourth of July...

fucker.

Holy shit!

We did it!

Oh, my God!

We did it.

Hey, uh...

I'm sorry about Seth.

Oh, it's okay.

We were only going out for a few weeks anyway.

He was pre-med.

Crazy night.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I couldn't have done it without you.

I'm always here for you, Daisy.

Always.

Um, yeah, I'm...

I'm sorry about Greg.

Yeah.

I really liked him.

But maybe I should just stay single.

It seems to be working out for you.

What should we do with these?

Chloe!

Aaah!

Fuck.

Fuck!

Oh.

No, just stay away from, Will.

Everyone I care about ends up dead.

You care about me?

Of course I do.

I care about you, too. A lot.

Every time I find a good guy, he ends up impaled,

decapitated, or stabbed through the head.

Well, maybe the good guy you've been searching for

has been...

right here in front of you.

I... I love you, Daisy.

Come on!

Will.

Take off his mask.

I want to look this bastard in the eye

when I finally kill him.

Are you... Are you sure that's necessary...

Just do it!

What... What are you waiting for?

Oh, no, no.

Are you into him?

No, you got to be fucking kidding me.

Daisy.

Uh...

Shoot him.

I can't.

I...

hate you.

Hello?

I'd like to rent a...

wood chipper.

Daisy.

I'm your brother.

W-What?!

What?

Are you still mad at me?

Oh. But did you finish cleaning the piranha tank?

Oh... Oh, got to poop.

Oh, and don't forget,

if you go anywhere near that door,

I'll have to kill ya.

Oh.

Oh, and can you brew some fresh coffee?

No Daddy?

What?

You don't have to do this. I have so much to do.

I have so much to do.

Please, please, please. You don't have to do this.

Please, please, please.

Please don't. Please don't.

Please!

I have so much to do.

Ooh, and I can't wait

to see what's gonna happen with that.

Oh, no, no. La-la-la-la-la.

Look, I do not want to hear that, okay?

I'm only up to season 4, damn it.

Girl, I'm am insulted.

You think I'm over here trying to spill details,

trying to spill the show details?

All right. You're right.

Fran, you think I'm over here dropping spoilers?

Okay. Look, now you're just being silly.

You're being silly.

No, this is ridiculous.

You're ridiculous.

Stop it.

You stop it.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

Seriously, though, I'm just gonna go home,

I'm gonna binge the whole thing. I'm gonna be so caught up.

Hashtag... a stay-cay.

Boo, how long is that gonna take?

'Cause the series finale drops tonight,

and I don't know how long I can keep everything to myself.

Okay, well you better, because I will murder you.

I hate, hate, hate spoilers.

You and me both.

Shit. Hey, hang on.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, God.

Maggie, is it like...

cloudy where you are, or foggy?

Maggie?

Maggie?

Shit.

What the...?!

Oh, my God! Holy shit!

Hello, Fran?

Girl, I can't hear you.

Are you still there?

Francesca, hello?

Fran.

Fran?

I have so much to do.

Oh. Oh, don't even trip.

I'll call you tomorrow, bitch. Peace.

Previously on "Battle of Mages."

Jay Battle, are you ready?

I was born ready, bro.

Hey.

I said hey!

That's my body.

I...

hate...

spoilers.

Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers...

Aaah!

Mother...

MacGuffin?

Oh, sorry.

I didn't see you. Wait. MacGuffin?

McMuffin. Do you want a McMuffin?

What are you doing with that tape?

What are you doing with it?

Uh, it's my friend Baron's film.

He told me to watch it.

So I wrote "watch me" on it

so I wouldn't forget.

Oh, no.

You saw inside, didn't you?

I-I-I mean, n-not much.

But you saw it.

So you know.

Oh, yeah, you know.

You know too much.

Cat's out of the bag.

Well...

it was supposed to be a surprise.

You know, best new employee.

Best new friend.

Now it's ruined.

Do you like cake?

You know what my least favorite horror trope is?

It's when there's some blathering idiot,

and he's not paying any attention to his surroundings

and somebody sneaks up and just...

Transfer complete.

All phases activated.

Welcome.

What in the hell is going on here?

You little fucker. You were behind this?!

This makes zero sense.

I put you through my entire orientation.

Who would do something like that?

Her.

Not me. No, no!

What about the blonde girl?

- It's horror logic. - What about the new guy?

I'm gonna need that key back.

And you're fired!

I love that little man.

There's nothing we could have done.

She's right.

Look, they got guns

and guards and God knows what else beyond those doors.

But I thought the dragon lady was his sister?

No, Jamie and Cersei are brother and sister.

Dany's his aunt.

Oh, okay. So it's like good incest?

There's no such... There's not a thing...

that's called good incest.

Never mind, look.

Jon's dad, Rhaegar, is Dany's older brother.

I thought Jon was Sean Be...

Is it Sean Bean, or was Liam Neeson kid?

- You mean Ned Stark? - Yeah.

No, Ned knew his true lineage, but...

It didn't matter. He kept it a secret.

He brought Jon home, pretended he was his bastard kid.

Cat didn't even know the truth.

There was a cat? I love cats.

Oh, fuck you, man. Catelyn, Ned's wife.

Hi, doll. Aren't you a cutie?

Come on in here.

My name's Dixie.

Can I get you a beverage of some kind...

Tonic water, seltzer water,

Topo Chico?

Well, just step on up here, darling.

Here you go.

There we are, up on the treadmill.

Okay. We ready?

Ready for what exactly?

Okay. We're limber, ready to run.

That's what I mean. You need a little stretching?

You ready to run?

Okay.

Bring in the Devil's Lake Impaler!

Devil's what?

You'll see.

Look, I don't know what to tell you, bro,

I just like woke up here.

I was first. That was like...

90 minutes ago?

90 minutes?

Horror logic.

Jock.

Stoner.

Right?

Oh, uh...

Yeah.

Slut.

Excuse me?

Whoa, man. That's not cool.

No, I don't need your protection,

but I don't need your ignorant bullshit either.

It was the '80s. It's not my fault.

And, uh...

You sure you want to do this?

I was gonna say British.

Did I hear a slight accent?

Which would you make you... Final Girl.

Well, then who the hell are you?

Well, I am obviously the know-it-all horror guy.

That's not really like a stock horror character, though.

Yeah, it is. Randy from "Scream."

Anyhoo, what is important here, people,

is that we...

are in a horror movie!

Nobody?

Horror.

Horror movie.

Pretty scary, huh?

Hi.

I don't know, man, I'm getting more

of like a "Breakfast Club" vibe.

We are literally locked in this room against our will.

Exactly.

Yeah.

What?

Start running. He's gonna chase ya.

Okay.

There you go, nice, nice. I like this.

You're doing a good job. There you go.

Yeah, just keep on going. Oh.

Asthma. I-I have asthma. So it's...

I'm sure it was the asthma.

It's fine. Air quality these days.

Yeah.

It's a shame. Okay.

Keep going 'cause he's gonna keep chasing you.

He's a murderer.

Just keep on running. There you go.

Oh, there's another one.

Look, the longer we all sit here doing nothing,

the more likely we all get slaughtered.

Slaughtered?

Slaughtered, body snatched,

I haven't figured out what kind of sub-genre

we're dealing with yet.

Oh, hell, no. What the fuck, man?

Nobody's getting slaughtered.

And we're not in a horror film.

That's because we are in John Hughes' teen classic.

None of this is helping anybody.

Jock always takes the lead, total trope.

I'm getting a headache.

Christine... faster.

Listen to her, come on.

Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

He's gonna get ya.

And another one.

Great job, honey.

Fascinating.

Aerys the second, Dany's dad,

Jon's grandad, was king.

He went a little nuts, started killing fools.

Including Ned's father and brother.

Now, some of the houses rebelled,

Starks, Tullys, Arryns, Baratheons.

Now, at the Battle of the Trident,

Robert Baratheon, who was betrothed to Lyanna Stark,

Jon's actual birth mother, ended up killing Rhaegar,

who everyone believed kidnapped Lyanna against her will.

And during the whole rebellion, Tywin Lannister,

the Hand of the King, also turned on Aerys.

Tywin is the father of Tyrion and the twins.

The twins?

The sibling fuckers.

Oh, yeah. The good incest.

There's not... There's no good incest.

No good incest. Moving on.

So Aerys ordered Jamie, a Kingsguard at the time,

to kill his own dad for the betrayal.

But Jamie was like, "I'll kill you instead,

you crazy bastard,"

and he stabbed him in the back.

Whoa. That's fucked up.

Yeah, it's fucked up. You're watching HBO, bitch.

It's not TV.

Security breach.

Warning.

Security breach.

My little panda bear. What has happened to you?

Run.

Damn this.

I got to get out of here.

A Bunsen burner.

Hey, you're not gonna want to follow him.

Why?

Uh, mm...

Hey, follow Final Girl.

What the hell are you guys doing?

Jon Snow.

Was that a treadmill?

Oh, my God.

Evacuation sequence activated.

Oh, my God.

Aah!

Oh, God.

Ah.

This shit is fucked up.

Are we all now in agreement

about this whole horror movie thing?

"When placed within 14 meters of any American made car,

the engine will not start in 17 out of 18 cases."

Hey, where'd you guys get your flashlights?

I brought mine.

Whoa, you guys.

Check this out.

That killer dude who's, like, doing all that stuff,

it's the Devils Lake Impaler.

Who?

He's this psychopath who killed like 11 people.

Well, he's actually a really good dude.

Yeah, he's the best.

I mean, he, like, was a really good dude.

I saw it on a "Forensics Files" episode.

He was, like, in this Big Brother program

for this 8-year-old cancer kid.

He even donated his lungs to help save the kid's life.

Oh.

You can't donate both your lungs.

All right. Well, like, okay.

Well, he, like, saved him or whatever

but then in some, like,

fraternity hazing ritual gone awry,

the kid died.

Wait, the kid was in college,

like a Doogie Howser thing?

What? No, like, the fraternity did it.

What are you... No.

Anyway, the point is that the kid died,

and the Devils Lake Impaler, or, like, I guess at this point,

his name was just like Damon or something,

he just, like, totally snapped,

and he started killing all the frat brothers

one by one in the most horrific was imaginable.

Whoa.

And they say that he took off all the faces

of the frat bros,

and now he wears them as a mask.

Resourceful.

I bet they're banging it out right now.

Who?

The, uh, "promiscuous girl" and the jock.

I bet they're slapping skinnies.

You know, the skin and the squirrel,

smoking the Gouda.

It's a horror trope.

Do you hear that?

It's coming toward us.

20 meters.

Where the hell you get that gun?

15 meters.

10.

5 meters.

Dicks...

Nameless, faceless girl.

I'm really surprised she lasted this long.

Her name was Christine, you asshole.

She taught kindergarten.

She's kind of hot.

Take that tracker thing off that's on her arm.

It's off.

Oh, God.

Let's get out of here.

Go.

Excuse me. Oh. Get... Whoa.

Oh, my God.

Fuck!

Oh, my God! Fuck...

This is a lot deeper than I thought.

Let me help you up.

No, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Can you even walk?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Alrighty then. I'll follow you.

Jesus.

What the fuck?

Guys, I'm pretty sure something bad happened here.

Yeah, no shit.

Alarm.

Alarm. Alarm.

Ugh.

Alarm. Alarm.

If you people want to live,

come with me.

Joe... Bob... Briggs!

It's time to get the hell out of Dodge.

Come on!

Mr. Briggs, um, Joe Bob,

I just have to tell you, I am your biggest fan.

I actually saw my first set of boobs on your show.

Son, what is your name?

Chad Buckley.

Okay, listen, Brad.

You know it's a horror film. I know it's a horror film.

They know, but they don't know.

We have to get them out of here.

That is our only goal right now. Can you help me with that?

You called me son.

Do you think we'll be best friends or best best friends?

- Do you like slumber parties... - You know what you are, Brad?

You're the personification

of what the Internet did to film criticism.

Thank you.

What the hell?

You threw a cat?

It was walking around. I'm sorry.

I don't... I don't know. I thought I could help it.

I got afraid.

It doesn't work. I already tried.

Oh, it works. You just need a badge.

Access granted.

See? Isn't he the coolest?

I told you they had sex.

Dude, seriously.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm a virgin.

You can't be a virgin. She's the virgin.

Nope. Definitely not a virgin.

Are you sure? I mean, I don't know how it all works, but. ..

What the hell?

You have to a be virgin.

Final Girls are always a virgin, so you have to be a virgin.

Huh, impaler.

I get it.

Whatever you do don't touch the emergency security...

Self destruct sequence activated.

System.

Alarm. Alarm.

10 minutes till self destruction.

Yeah, this is bad.

Alarm. Alarm.

Alarm. Alarm.

Alarm. Alarm.

- So, what now? - It'll be okay.

Yes, Tweedledum here has locked down the building

and cut off our only way out,

but I can override it.

Do not let Brad touch anything else.

Love you, Dad.

Alarm. Alarm.

Guys, this is Joe Bob Briggs we're talking about.

He is an absolute legend.

He has forgotten more about horror

than I could ever even hope to know.

There is nothing to worry about.

How does any of that help us right now?

Stabilizing.

See? What did I tell ya?

Joe Bob is the man.

Noooooo!

Can you just leave?

Just rest now, my sweet prince,

and let your worries just float away.

Like the blood currently leaving your organs.

Brad...

Yes, Pa-pa?

Closer.

Closer.

You're a moron.

Uh, okay, yeah.

I thought you were gonna with something a little different.

I guess it's true what mama said.

Never met your heroes.

Or your father.

We have to go.

No.

You have to go.

This... is my destiny.

Don't mess with the bull, man!

Or you'll get the horns!

Fuck yeah, Chad!

Ow!

Aah!

That's probably how he wanted to go.

So you're the Final Girl, huh?

That's cool.

Please evacuate immediately.

Goodbye.

Come on.

We need to make a plan.

What would happen in a horror movie now?

I don't know. I mean, the only one I really remember

is that "Friday the 13th" one with Cory Feldman.

The "Lost Boys" dude?

No, that's Cory Haim.

Pretty sure that's "License to Drive."

No.

Oh.

Whoa.

Does this make me Final Boy?

Focus. He's gonna be here any minute.

We need a plan.

Cory Feldman.

What?

I think I have a plan.

What the fuck?

I rewound.

Owie!

Hey, Damon!

It's me!

Jimmy!

Don't you remember me?

I beat the cancer.

Can you believe it?

Those frat guys were so mean, but I made it.

I got away, and I beat the cancer.

♪ This can't be real ♪

♪ This can't be happening ♪

♪ I did everything I could ♪

♪ To make you happy ♪

♪ Is this a dream ♪

♪ Is this a nightmare ♪

♪ I reckon I'm afraid ♪

♪ That you won't be there ♪

Holy shit. It actually worked.

We did it!

Yes, we did it!

Oh, we're alive!

Oh, God, we're alive!

That was so crazy.

Did you see that?

Oh, my God. What if he hugged me?

Guess we could have taken this the whole time.

Oh. Well, I really wish you'd thought of that before.

Fuck.

What?

- It's not starting. - Oh.

When placed within 14 meters

of any American made car, the engine will not start...

- 14 meters. - What?

That's what they were doing back there, testing shit.

He's got to be 14 meters away, or it won't start.

Oh, fuck. I've got to move him.

Oh, fuck no!

Come on. Jesus Christ!

I don't want to touch that dude.

Fuck!

Hey, don't be the Final Boy.

Be the Final Man.

Alright.

How big is a meter?

Okay.

He's dead!

He's passed away.

Jesus!

Shit.

He's heavy.

Okay. All right.

Try again.

♪♪

Oh, God, I got to split.

♪♪

♪ I'm trying hard to make it through the night ♪

I made it! I made it till the end.

We have to go! No, we have to go.

- You're hurt. - What are you doing?

Let me help you.

- What are you doing? - Don't... Don't worry...

It's not... I don't actually smoke.

It's my job.

No.

♪ Everybody dies in the end ♪

♪ Everybody dies in the end ♪

♪ In the end ♪

♪ Everybody dies in the end ♪

♪ Everybody dies in the end ♪

♪ Everybody dies, everybody dies ♪

♪ In the end ♪

♪ Everybody dies in the end ♪

♪ Everybody dies in the end ♪

♪ In the end ♪

♪ Here in the witching hour ♪

♪ Not dead and bleeding out ♪

♪ I don't know you ♪

♪ There's something sinister ♪

♪ I can't resist the urge ♪

♪ To pull the covers off and look ♪

♪ In the middle ♪

♪ In the middle of the night ♪

♪ In the middle ♪

♪ In the middle of the night ♪

♪ Red eyes ♪

♪ Blasting fire for fun ♪

♪ In the middle ♪

♪ In the middle of the night ♪

♪ The outcasts ♪

♪ Drop out of school ♪

♪ Riff raff, man, those kids are cool ♪

♪ Taught me the badder the better ♪

♪ Followed it right down to the letter ♪

♪ The youth group ♪

♪ Anxiety ♪

♪ Punk rock ♪

♪ Tooth and nail CDs ♪

♪ Backsliding on the double ♪

♪ I'm in so much trouble ♪

♪ I'm too young to die ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ This can't be real ♪

♪ This can't be happening ♪

♪ I did everything ♪