All language subtitles for Ripping Yarns - S01xE06

Thank you, Grosvenor.

Thank you, sir.

-It's a cold night tonight, Grosvenor.
-Oh, yes, sir.

God! It's on nights like this, I
wish Lady Agatha were here still.

-I miss her so much, Grosvenor.
-Yes, sir. We all miss her, sir.

Yes, yes. I suppose we do.

She had such a
fabulous body, sir.

Yes, she was a lovely woman.

Yes, sir. She was a real dish.

Yes, and such a kind creature.

Not a trace of guile or malice
ever crossed her pretty face.

Yes. And in the evenings,

sometimes when she used to
wear that black transparent...

Yes, you may go now.

Very good, sir. Thank
you, sir. Good night, sir.

-Oh, uh, sir?
-Yes, Grosvenor?

Would you be requiring the
naughty books tonight, sir?

No. No, thank you.

Very well, sir. Thank you, sir.

Good night, sir.

-Uh, excuse me, sir?
-Yes, Grosvenor?

Uh, if you won't be requiring the
naughty books tonight, sir, may I?

Yes. Oh, yes, yes,
of course, Grosvenor.

Oh, thank you very much
indeed, sir. Good night again, sir.

Oh, my God!

Leave me alone. Leave me alone!

Please, leave me alone!
Stop tormenting me!

I'm awfully sorry to get
you up at this time of night,

but I'm afraid I'm lost.

That's all right. Come in.

Thank you very much. Um...

Do you mind if I bring in
the rest of the expedition?

No, no, no, please do.

Ah, well, actually, some of
them aren't awfully decent.

What do you mean?

Well, you see, their
tribal outfit is pretty basic

and if there are any ladies
in the house, it might be...

No, no, no, there are... There
are no ladies in the house.

Good.

I've asked them
to wipe their feet.

My name is Merson, by
the way. Captain Merson.

-This is awfully good of you.
-Not at all.

What's your
expedition looking for?

We're looking to see if there
is a channel, a river passage,

linking the Ganges with the
Brahmaputra River through Bhutan.

But this is Maidenhead.

Yes, I know. It's
only our first day.

You see, we were supposed
to change at Woking,

and the damn, stupid ticket collector
put us on the Swindon platform.

There, of course, we all
piled out over the bridge

and caught the next
train back. Well...

Take them into the
library, there's a fire.

Thank you very much.

-Grosvenor?
-What is it, sir? Crumpet?

No, it's not, Grosvenor.

Could you bring some towels
and hot drinks to the library, please?

And, uh, the robe, sir?

No, Grosvenor. Just
the towels and the drinks.

Very well, sir.

Come on, come on.

We only left Paddington at 4:30
and I've already lost three men.

Well, please, sit down.

Thank you.

Yes, they went on to Bristol.

Trouble is, you see, they're head-hunters.
That's what really worries me.

Ahh!

Ahh!

What's the matter with him?

Ah. Yes, um... I'm
not quite sure, actually.

You see, they do tend rather to
go into these fertility, ahem, dances,

some of which, to the
Western eye, are a little frank.

But they are a very
frank tribe actually.

What is he doing now?

Oh, yes, I think this is the one about
the three ladies and the gentleman.

Disgusting! You see, where
they come from in the Naga Hills,

which is in northwestern Burma, is
practically inaccessible. And therefore...

Where did you say?

I said, where they come from
is practically inaccessible...

Where did you say
they came from?

-Northwestern Burma.
-The Naga Hills?

Did you say the Naga Hills?

Yes, about 400 miles
from Mandalay, going north.

Yes, I know.

-Do you know them?
-Yes.

Captain Merson, I think these men
have come here tonight for a purpose.

No, no, no. It's just that that
stupid man at Paddington was so...

They've come here to help me.

-To help you? How?
-Yes.

Captain Merson...

I want to tell you a
story, Captain Merson.

It is a story of fear,
tragedy and terror.

It is the story of a curse,

a curse that is upon this house.

I was born in
Cheltenham in 1881,

where my parents lived a
comfortable but austere existence

in which they had
little time for me.

They exerted an iron
discipline upon their children.

They had my sister imprisoned for
putting too much butter on a scone.

And my younger brother, David, was
killed for walking on the flowerbeds.

I hardly dared to think what
they would have done to me

if they ever discovered I had a
sweetheart, Agatha, who lived next door.

But this passion, like all my passions,
had to remain a dark and guilty secret.

I dared tell no one,
not even Agatha herself.

The only person I could talk to,
outside this drab and suffocating world,

was my Uncle Jack.

Uncle Jack was
my childhood hero.

He was so strong and brave.

Ever since I'd been able to
understand about hernias,

I'd envied the carefree way
he'd lift up bits of fallen masonry.

If some section of his house
looked like falling down,

Uncle Jack would
run like the wind

without a truss or surgical
appliance of any kind.

Oh.

He was also totally unconcerned
about contagious diseases.

Tetanus, beriberi, yellow jack,

yaws, typhus, pyorrhoea,
dinge and black lung

were all old friends
of Uncle Jack.

The monthly visits to
his strange, old house

were the only breath of life in the
sterile world my parents inhabited.

Mark me, sir. Back at
six o'clock on the dot.

You know what will
happen if you fail.

-Yes, sir.
-Very good.

Uncle Jack!

-Uncle Jack!
-Hello, Kev!

How are you, boy?

What are those, Uncle Jack?

Oh, they're buboes, lad. A touch of
bubonic plague I picked up at the weekend.

Gosh, weren't you scared?

Oh, a bit of bubonic
plague? I should say not.

So long as you got a rabid
dog to let the poison out.

Want to see the rats?

-Rather.
-Come on, then.

Hey, you see that?

-Spots on the tongue?
-Yeah.

Yellow jaundice, first symptoms.

Oh, terrific, Uncle Jack.

-And that? That's mange.
-Wow!

Sometimes I'd
stay till the evening

and Uncle Jack would sit
me in front of a roaring fire

and tell me stories of his
travels around the world,

of the women and the
diseases that he'd had,

how he'd given
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation

to cholera victims
in Valparaiso,

how he'd gone to Kazakhstan
to catch a rare kind of plague,

and how when he lived in London, he'd
contracted pellagra, lockjaw and scurvy

as a protest against
the postal charges.

But the years passed.

I was sent away to school and
saw less and less of Uncle Jack.

Until one day I heard he'd
suddenly been taken ill.

It was the first summer of the
Boer War and it was his birthday.

I'd bought him a brand-new
bedpan and I couldn't wait to see him.

-What's the matter, Grosvenor?
-Oh, Mr Kevin, sir.

He keeps asking for you, sir.

Happy birthday, Uncle Jack.

Are you all right?

I'm not long for
this world, nephew.

Is it the bubonic
plague, Uncle Jack?

Oh! No, no, that's nothing.

It's just an itch.

No, this is something far worse.

It's my birthday.

Yes, I know. I
brought you a present.

The day I've dreaded for years.

It's not my time yet, boy.

Go over to the dressing table.

Open the second drawer.

Now, put your hand in.

-Now, what can you feel?
-Sort of furry thing.

No, not the rats, no.
Feel again, feel again.

-A wooden box.
-That's it.

Now, don't open it whatever you
do. Bring it over to me here, quickly!

Stand well back, nephew.

On no account must you
touch the thing that's in this box.

-Do you understand?
-Yes.

-Do you promise?
-Yes, Uncle Jack, of course.

What is it, Uncle Jack?

It is...

the claw!

-Looks pretty ordinary to me.
-No, don't touch!

There's nothing
ordinary about this claw.

When I was given
this, I was in Burma.

I was a young, fit man.

I only had malaria.

We were cut off by the
monsoons in a hill village

and what with the
heat and the damp,

the malaria turned to gangrene

and I was about to bite
my leg off and spit it out.

Oh, God! I wish now that I had.

When into my hut
crawled a tribesman,

wearing only the head dress and
decorated briefs of the holy ones.

He thrust this into my hand.

Gosh, like a fool,
I took it from him.

-Well, why not? You didn't die.
-Because there is a curse upon it!

This is the claw of
the Burmese vulture,

sacred to the men
of the Naga Hills,

and from which they draw
their amazing sexual powers.

-Uncle Jack.
-Oh, it's true, lad.

I haven't tried it myself but my
manservant, Grosvenor, has.

-Is that why he's always...
-When the missionaries arrived in Burma,

they destroyed
every holy vulture.

This claw is all that remains.

The owner must return it to the
holy men before his 60th birthday...

or death and misfortune
will fall on all who touch it.

And I'm 60 today, boy.

I'll take it back, Uncle.

Burma is 10,000 miles away, Kev.

I've got a new bicycle.

Don't touch!

Please, Uncle. Let
me try and take it back.

It wouldn't be easy.
The claw is cunning.

Its power is strong.

Give it to me, Uncle.

All right, lad. But
keep it tight shut.

Never hold the claw
itself, whatever you do.

I'll save you,
Uncle. Don't worry.

Uh, Kev?

If I'm still alive when you get
back, I'll show you my cyst.

Gosh! Thanks, Uncle Jack.

The only problem
now was my parents.

What are you making, Mother?

Something that will cover
the entire human body, dear.

Father?

Yes, my boy?

Where's Burma?

It's in the Midlands,
my boy, in Warwickshire.

Burma?

Birmingham.

No, Burma.

There's no such place
as Burma, my boy.

It's a country with
mountains and jungles...

Your father has spoken, dear.

Oh!

What you doing, Mother?

The needle went
straight into my finger.

Oh dear, I've never done
that before. How careless!

The sooner the entire human
body is clothed, the better.

Yes, dear. Oh!

I think I shall detail that very
incident in our next newsletter.

Then those who scoff and belittle our ideas
will smirk on the other side of their cheeks.

Good Lord!

What, dear?

There's a typhoon
warning in the newspaper.

In the Maidenhead Advertiser?
Are you quite sure, dear?

It's in very large type
on the sports page.

Probably a misprint, dear.

Hmm, the work of evil men.

Isn't it near India, Father?

-What?
-Burma?

-Who on earth told you that?
-I saw it in an atlas.

You are not to look
at the atlas, my boy.

It is an evil book.

-No, it's not. It's very useful, it's...
-It is filled with lewd and lascivious ladies

who know no better than to disport
themselves for the carnal delight...

That's not the atlas, dear.

Hmm.

Why are you so
interested in Burma, Kevin?

I have to go there,
Mother, as soon as possible.

-Of course you can't go to Burma, dear.
-I could join the navy.

I will not have you debase
yourself amongst those perverts.

I could go as an
apprentice cook or...

You'll stay here, my
boy, where we love you.

Father, you don't understand.

That's it, I have spoken.

Look.

Put that away at once!

I have to return this to the
tribesmen of the Naga Hills.

Put away that object
of sin and shame!

-It's a claw, Father.
-A claw? A clamp, you mean!

A sexual device to tickle
the jaded senses of old men.

-No!
-Give it to me.

-There's a curse on anyone who touches it.
-Give it to me at once, sir!

-No, Father.
-I will not have the trappings

of whoremongery and
free love-ism under this roof!

No, don't touch it!

Turn away, woman, lest it
arouse you to unseemly lubricity.

This is the devil's work!

-No!
-And to the devil it shall return!

What's the matter, dear?

-I've broken my leg.
-Oh, how could you, dear?

I was standing there
and it just broke.

Oh! There goes the other one!

I've broken two now!

Kevin, dear?

Kevin!

Kevin! Please help us!

The claw had already
begun its evil work.

-I knew that now there was little time left.
-Kevin!

I had to get to Burma, somehow.

I was lucky.

I got the job as Captain
upon the Greasy Bastard,

a tramp steamer which carried
rubber goods and things for the weekend

between London and Rangoon.

It seemed an
unbelievable stroke of luck.

But I knew that
sometime, somewhere,

the claw would start to
work its evil influence.

Fourteen starboard, Mr Jenkins.

Three degrees south-southeast.

-But even I was totally unprepared...
-Steady.

For the way in which the
curse was to manifest itself.

We were four days out of London,

when I began, to my horror,

to notice what an extraordinary, beautiful
Chief Petty Officer Mr Russell was.

Could the claw be taking
its revenge in this cruel way?

My shameful passion for the
Chief Petty Officer grew and grew

and I was helpless in its grip.

Come.

Ah, Mr Russell.

Permission to speak
with you, Captain.

Yes.

Well, it's...
It's just that I...

I've noticed you
looking at me, Captain.

Well, I... I look at all
the men, Mr Russell.

Just a born starer, I suppose.

Not the way you've been
looking at me, Captain.

Please don't be
offended, Mr Russell.

I'm not offended, Captain.

That's what's worrying me.

Worrying you?

I, uh... I don't know
how to say this, Captain.

What?

Ever since you first
took over the ship,

I've, uh, felt attracted to you.

-Oh, my God!
-Does that repel you?

I wish it did, Mr Russell.

I only wish it did.

May I touch you, Captain?

No! Oh! It's bad
enough with a girl

but you're a... You're a man!

I know. I know.

You are a man, aren't you?

Of course I'm a man!

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.
It's me that's sorry.

You don't know what it's like,
trapped in this man's body.

Um, what are...

What are those?

-These?
-Yes.

Oh, I've been putting on
weight there ever since I was 16.

It's a recognised
medical condition.

-Have you been to a doctor?
-Doctors, surgeons.

There's nothing they can do.
They just say I'll grow out of it.

Well, Mr Russell,
since you are a man,

maybe it'd be all
right for me to...

rub something on them?

It seemed as if the
evil influence of the claw

was tearing away the last
shreds of my manhood and dignity.

Would you, Captain?

Oh, yes,

Chief...

Petty...

Officer.

And yet, at that moment
something changed.

As if the power of the claw seemed
for a moment to be suddenly weakening.

That night we discovered
that Russell had been wrong.

He was a woman after all.

It was a mistake
anyone could have made

in the sort of society in
which we'd been brought up.

We discovered that most of the
rest of the crew were women as well.

Freed from the repressions
of the world we left behind us,

we began to talk frankly about
ourselves and our bodies and our needs.

I was happy for the
first time in my life.

Until one day, with the
coast of Burma almost in sight,

I realised once again, I'd
underestimated the power of the claw.

Come.

Ah, well, be in Burma by
tomorrow, eh, men? All packed?

We're not going
to Burma, Captain.

-Hmm?
-We're not going to Burma, Captain.

What do you mean?
We're practically there.

It's too good here, Captain.

We've all found a freedom and
happiness we can never find anywhere else.

Let's not just
throw it all away.

Why can't we sail
on like this forever?

Because I have to go to Burma.
Look, I know we've been happy here.

I've learnt lots about...

Well, all sorts of things I
didn't know about before.

What, like stoking
the boiler, sir?

Yes, that. And,
uh, other things.

Oh, I meant metaphorically, sir.

Oh. But I'm trusted to return
this to its rightful owners

and I can't betray that trust.

You wouldn't let that come
between us and our happiness?

A man's life depends on it.

Our happiness depends
on it too, Captain.

Mr Russell! Mr Russell!

Mr Russell! Mr
Russell! No, Mr Russell!

Mr Russell!

No, Mr Russell! You don't
know what you're doing!

I do, Captain, I'm saving
you. I'm saving all of us.

No, Mr Russell!

I was the only survivor.

When I finally got home, a dreadful
sense of foreboding gripped me

as I returned to the
house I'd loved so much.

During my absence, Uncle Jack
had grown weaker and weaker.

He had caught a rare Spanish skin
disease which cheered him up momentarily,

and a bout of myxomatosis, but
apart from that, it had all been downhill.

Uncle Jack?

Did you return the claw, Kevin?

I'm sorry, Uncle Jack, I didn't.

Where is it?

It's in the Indian Ocean.

I'm sorry, Uncle Jack, I tried.
Honestly, I was nearly there.

No, I know you couldn't,
boy. I told you so.

The claw is too
strong, too cunning.

-I'm sorry.
-I'm done for now, boy.

I want you to
promise me one thing.

Yes, Uncle Jack.

The claw must be stopped.

If it's allowed to go loose in the
world, it could do untold damage.

One day, it will
return to this house.

I want you to be here, always,

ready for when it comes.

But how can it, Uncle
Jack? How can it?

It will.

It will.

Come here, boy.

I'll show you my...

So Uncle Jack passed away.

Within a year, a series of strange
misfortunes befell my family.

My father suffocated

when a flock of starlings became
entangled in his body cover.

And my mother was
carried off by a golden eagle

at the Highland Games
in Braemar in 1921.

And was never seen again.

As for me, I was named
Uncle Jack's only heir.

He left me his house

and enough money to enable me to
marry my childhood sweetheart, Agatha.

Since then I've hardly
slept a single night.

My hair has turned white, and
I've grown old before my time

waiting, just waiting for the claw to
return and wreak its terrible revenge.

Do you think it
will return here?

It has returned.

Today was my 60th birthday.

I came down this
morning as usual.

There I found Lady
Agatha, my wife,

my lovely wife, dead.

And beside her, on the trapeze,

was this.

-The claw!
-Yes, the claw.

It has returned, just as
Uncle Jack said it would.

They... They knew it was here.

Well, they were almost too late.

Now take it, take
it. Take it with you!

And lift the curse that is
upon this house forever.

What's the matter, Grosvenor?

There's a man in my bed, sir.

-I thought you liked that sort of thing.
-He's a smelly old man, sir.

And he claims to
have myxomatosis.

-What?
-Yes. He's got a...

The claw had one final
hideous trick to play on me.

Uncle Jack!

Oh, yes, sir!

I'll go, Grosvenor.

Very good, sir.

It's all right,
dear, I'll answer it.

Agatha!

Agatha?

Agatha?

Agatha?

I say, Agatha!

Kevin, you will return
home this instant.

Oh, please, Daddy, we're having
such a super time at Uncle Jack's.

Your father has spoken, dear.

I will not have you showing off
your body in this house of depravity.

You will come home, away from these
lascivious dancing harlots and old men...