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This programme contains
some strong language.
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When I was wee,
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and we'd be out in the car
and we'd pass a wedding,
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00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:40,040
a church or outside a registry
office, my mum would, without fail,
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00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:45,400
slow down, roll down her window
and shout out, "Don't do it,
you mad fools!"
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In retrospect, I think she was still
processing her feelings about
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the divorce, but we just thought
it was funny.
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Every time! Really funny.
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Though not if you were a...
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..reluctant bride with acute
hearing.
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00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,240
Such incidents bred in me
a suspicion,
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a certain uncertainty
towards marriage.
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Towards men.
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Towards making promises amid pomp
and circumstance.
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Towards institutions
and the done thing.
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What one ought and what one not.
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Oh, my scepticism is
a rich inheritance.
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The family fortune from my
mother's side.
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But here I am...
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..which is why I have to get this
right.
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Which starts with
getting THIS right.
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All those Jaffa Cakes inhaled for
inspiration can't have died in vain.
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HE CLEARS THROAT
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Once upon a time, a plucky young man
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went on an adventure
miles from home.
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00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,240
In a magical kingdom
in a far-away land,
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00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:08,960
he met a handsome prince who spent
all his days bringing joy to
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the lives of others.
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00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:16,400
One night, at a ball where all the
beautiful people in the kingdom
had gathered,
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the handsome prince spoke to the man
who was minding his own business
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while desperately trying to get
served at a bar where, yet again,
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he had forgotten to take off his
cloak of invisibility.
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So kind was the prince that he
bought the plucky young man a drink.
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And so gracious was the man that
he asked the prince to dance.
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And the dance was so entrancing that
everyone else in the room vanished.
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The world stopped spinning and it
was just the man and the prince in
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each other's arms
on top of the world...
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..with only Lady Gaga for company.
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Now THERE'S a threesome!
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HE CACKLES
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Pause for applause, wild applause,
possibly some cheering.
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Obviously, if I fill in
a few details,
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the magic of the story may pale,
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as magic often does when you see
its mechanics.
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The adventure was a fortnight
in Florida.
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The ball was a club playing
Bad Romance.
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The plucky young man was...
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..youngish.
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And the prince wasn't a prince
at all,
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but another plucky young man on an
adventure of his own.
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That his adventure was working on a
roller-coaster in a theme park gets
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bonus OMG points in my mind,
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but then I've always loved
roller-coasters.
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Real and emotional.
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Lest you hadn't noticed.
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Of course, this story isn't like
the fairy tales I was raised on.
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No horse-drawn pumpkins,
way too many homosexuals.
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I do have a story about three bears,
but NSFAJ.
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00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:04,360
Not Suitable For Auntie Janice.
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00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:07,280
Nor anybody else, mind you.
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00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:13,720
No, people like me didn't feature in
the stories I was told growing up.
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Felt as if I didn't exist.
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Even if there were characters
like me,
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00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,920
they were Hall of Mirrors
distortions that made me feel like
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I didn't want to exist.
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00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,120
I had a go at ending my existence
back then.
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00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,400
But I was as good at suicide
as I was at physics,
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so I lived and learnt.
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00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,080
It's painful to be invisible in
other people's stories, but there is
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a sliver of liberation.
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You can tell your own story.
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You can author your own life.
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There's no script to stick to...
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..which is fucking terrifying.
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00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:02,720
And quite exciting.
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00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:09,400
And fucking terrifying.
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Not that scripts can't be
quite useful.
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For me and my people...
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Oh, my God! My people?
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For me and other gay people, we now
have the opportunity, the right,
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to have the fairy tale wedding
that others have always had.
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Even just for a day,
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we can be handsome princes
and/or/and beautiful princesses.
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00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,120
Though inevitably,
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some of us will end up more Princess
Margaret than Kate Middleton.
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00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:51,000
We, the gays, can now tell, out loud
and proud, our stories.
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And everyone - yes, even you,
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Auntie Becky, who told me I was
making my life difficult with my
"choice"
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to be gay...
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..has a better life because of it.
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00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,840
Me having the right to get married
doesn't take anything away from
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anyone else. Rights aren't like
cake.
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Me having some doesn't mean
you get less.
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00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,400
And speaking of cake...
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Too wordy? Too wordy?
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00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,520
Too twee? Too angry? Am I angry?
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Maybe I should start a fight.
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Set fire to something.
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Uncle Frank, perhaps.
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Bloody straights!
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Not only do they go around
shoving their lifestyle
down everyone's throats,
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but they've also exhausted every
aspect of getting married,
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00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,760
made every possible choice,
and to a cliche!
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00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:51,400
And only now, when it's on its last
legs, do they wheel in the gays for
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00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,160
a vital refresh after all this time.
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Hardly any time at all.
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00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,120
Not just a big day, but monumental.
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00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,680
Part of me wants the formality and
frivolity over and done with
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00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,520
so life can get back to "normal".
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Another part of me wants to live in
perpetual anticipation...
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00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:21,120
..in the thrall of the imminent
thrill.
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00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,240
And another part of me wonders if
it's a good idea at all.
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Even in victory, you lose something.
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00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,160
The feeling of...
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..being the rebel...
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..the subversive, the outlaw.
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I know!
Never happy with what I've got.
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Until him.
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I personally have no reservations,
no nerves, no niggles,
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00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,480
no last-minute jitters,
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00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:03,240
no brief or lengthy reconsiders
for the love before this one,
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or for my first, or for the one
that got away,
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or the one that required an escape.
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00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:12,320
Not even for my great unrequited
who might have...
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..if I'd asked.
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Nope.
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The answer to the proverbial
question when popped was never going
to be no.
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00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,760
It's at moments like this you
realise, despite your best efforts,
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00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:29,000
you've still been indoctrinated with
old-fashioned, romantic,
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00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,920
sentimental ideas of what love is
and how it plays out.
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I read it described once in a book
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as having fairy tales
stuck in your innards.
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Love is a sentimental tapeworm.
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Sometimes, I still can't believe
I'm having a wedding.
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Getting married's one thing,
but a wedding? Ha-ha!
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And a wedding of this size!
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A wedding we technically cannot
afford.
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A wedding at which I'm already
having an issue with the table
decorations.
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00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:06,440
From Auntie Sheila.
She normally buys them half-price
in the January sales
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00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,360
for the following Christmas.
Only, this year,
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she decided my getting married was a
special enough occasion
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to get them out six months early.
A special enough occasion!
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00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:20,040
And the fact that she's not sure
she'll be around come Christmas,
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00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:21,080
her bowels...
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..being what they are.
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All I care about is they don't pull
focus today.
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The bowels, not the crackers.
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These crackers were only from Asda.
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00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,600
But let's not get entangled in
Auntie Sheila's innards.
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00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:43,680
Marriage - an institution for the
insane to which you commit yourself
voluntarily.
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00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:46,480
For those that won't commit
or submit, those that can't,
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won't or don't fit...
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00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,040
..there are other institutions.
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Asylums and prisons, say.
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In the end, we all find our place,
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or are put in it. The kitchen,
the bedroom, the attic, the cellar,
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the cemetery.
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00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:09,680
I read The Handmaid's Tale at
school. It was very illuminating.
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00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:10,960
I loved school!
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Well, I loved learning.
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00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,320
Could have done without
the relentless bullying,
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having the shit kicked out of me
on a weekly basis.
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And kids I didn't even know shouting
across the playground at me,
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"Die of Aids, you fucking poofter!"
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Children - so adorable.
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You can't really blame them.
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Little pitchers. What gets poured in
gets poured out.
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00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:39,680
And what got poured in then was
Section 28, Tory family values,
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00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:44,040
the gay plague and EastBenders
on the front of The Sun
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because I was the danger, me!
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I never felt that, of course.
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I wish I'd felt dangerous.
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What I felt was anxious.
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Fearful, most of the time, forever
poised for fight or flight.
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Needing to read every room in an
instant to assess the potential
threats,
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00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:04,840
who the alphas were, who to avoid
and who to make an ally.
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00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,240
From that,
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the last one left standing,
unpicked at PE,
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00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:16,680
the saddo sitting out the school
disco slow dances because he
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00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:19,000
couldn't wrap his arms round the one
he wanted,
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00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,200
the teenager looking for love
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00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:24,720
in pissy public toilets and parks
after dark...
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00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:27,520
..to this.
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00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:30,280
Respectability.
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Propriety.
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00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:36,080
Decorum.
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00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:41,160
Perhaps everyone has their price...
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00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:47,840
..and maybe mine is measured in
crockery and cookware on
a John Lewis gift list.
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00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:57,240
Or maybe it's measured in love
and loving,
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00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:00,880
from spoonfuls to right big buckets.
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00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:04,480
And what I learnt about love, first
and foremost, I learnt from Liza.
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00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,840
Oh, my lovely mum, not Ms Minnelli.
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00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,120
Although...terrific!
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00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:17,000
There was this one time
when I got really badly beaten up
by Grant Smiley
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00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:21,040
at the swings and Mum went round to
his house like a pocket tornado.
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00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,080
She ripped strips off Grant's mum
and scared the bejesus out of him.
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00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,120
He steered well clear after that.
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00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,320
Smiley's not so smiley then.
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00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,200
Knights in shining armour come in
all shapes and sizes.
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00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,880
Mine was five foot nothing
in her stocking soles.
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00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,960
I remember Mum having to decide
whether to buy a pint of milk
or a loaf of bread
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00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,600
because we couldn't afford both...
203
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,480
..but I never remember having to
choose between love and laughter.
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00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,400
We had both in abundance.
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00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,080
Some shouting, too, admittedly.
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00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:01,120
OK, a lot of shouting.
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00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:03,720
Some screaming even, maybe,
occasionally.
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00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:05,840
But mostly...
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00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:11,320
..overwhelmingly, love.
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00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:16,920
When I told her that
I'd met a man on holiday
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00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,800
and he worked in a theme park,
she didn't bat an eyelid.
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00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:24,360
When I brought him home,
she welcomed him with open arms
and asked if, being an American,
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00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,320
he liked the Dixie Chicks.
214
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:31,160
And then she said it was typical
Steven to win a man at a funfair
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00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,240
when most people make do with
a goldfish.
216
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,760
But she's always been the witty one
in our family.
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00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:42,320
Oh, which reminds me.
Obviously, there's going to be
an Oscar Wilde quote.
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00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:45,840
You can't have a gay wedding without
an Oscar Wilde quote.
219
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,800
When I worked in a care home when
I was at college,
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00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,800
there was an old blind man I read to
sometimes.
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00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,600
He loved Oscar Wilde.
222
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:55,280
He even said he'd seen him once.
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00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,480
And that's how I know this quote.
224
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,840
"All women become like their
mothers.
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00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,440
"That is their tragedy.
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00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:07,720
"No man does.
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00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:10,120
"That's his."
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00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,000
That's not my tragedy.
229
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,800
For better or for worse,
mostly better,
230
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:18,320
I am totally turning into my mother.
231
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:20,800
And I'm fine with that.
232
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,000
Though I suspect she'll always be
the better line dancer.
233
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,480
I could say, I suppose, that...
234
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,200
..today isn't about me,
it's about her...
235
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:36,960
..about seeing my lovely mum
so happy.
236
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,280
And that wouldn't entirely be a lie,
but come on!
237
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,600
Let's face it!
238
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:43,920
Today's all about me.
239
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:46,640
Me and him.
240
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:49,680
But mostly me.
241
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:52,560
And him.
242
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:57,960
Him!
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00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,640
The man who, when we first met,
smelled of candyfloss,
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00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,320
soap
and everything will be all right.
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00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,240
Quite a heady combination.
246
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,880
My someone to dance round the
kitchen with,
247
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,520
my someone to take photographs of,
248
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:19,280
someone to talk to all day and spoon
with all night.
249
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,400
He loves my singing.
250
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,720
OK, totally hates my singing.
251
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,280
And he even likes my cooking.
252
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,520
He laughs at my jokes
and he lets me cry.
253
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,360
He encourages me to be kind.
254
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:34,560
He makes me want to be a better man.
255
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:41,560
And the best view ever isn't Uluru,
or Iguazu, the Taj Mahal,
256
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:44,640
the Grand Canyon, or even Edinburgh
as seen from Arthur's Seat on
257
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:48,000
a clear autumn day with the Forth
shimmering in the distance.
258
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:53,280
It's the nape of his neck when
he's lying asleep in my arms.
259
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,640
I know we don't get happily ever
afters in real life.
260
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,920
I'm a hopeless romantic,
not a total fucking idiot.
261
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,720
As my friend, Russell, said to me
once,
262
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,480
"Even with the happiest couples,
one of you dies first."
263
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:10,960
But first...
264
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:13,960
..there is such...
265
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,360
..unalloyed joy.
266
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:23,320
We went to the supermarket yesterday
and we were wandering around and,
267
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,200
at one point, he took my hand,
because that's the kind of thing
he does.
268
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:27,840
And instantly, I got flustered.
269
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:30,320
Residual anxiety.
270
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,360
Remembrance of past battery.
271
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,080
Enduring scars.
272
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:40,160
Even though I know I'm hardly likely
to get my head kicked in by the
salad bar,
273
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:41,760
PDAs can still make me nervous.
274
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,000
And then he said,
275
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,720
gentle as anything, and I'm not
going to do the accent...
276
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,600
"If there's a gay kid in here
with his folks,
277
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,360
"frightened that he's a freak,
278
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:56,120
"don't you think that it might give
him hope,
279
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,320
"seeing two guys wandering around,
280
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:02,000
"being themselves, getting their
groceries, like everyone else?"
281
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,000
If happiness is a place...
282
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,760
..it's the biscuit aisle in
Sainsbury's.
283
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,160
And anywhere else I am with him.
284
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,880
And when we met,
285
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,200
I'll never forget what he said when
I introduced myself.
286
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:27,800
"Pleased to meet you, Steve.
I'm Adam." And then,
"And if that's the case,
287
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:32,680
"we should probably get married.
Adam and Steve has a certain ring
about it, don't you think?"
288
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:35,280
Oh, and now it has got a certain
ring about it.
289
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,480
He liked it and he put a ring...
Ooh, don't spoil it, Steven.
290
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,080
HE SIGHS
291
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,520
This is the beginning of a new
chapter in my story...
292
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,240
..our story, that continues tomorrow
293
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:59,040
when we go back to where our tale
began,
294
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:03,840
and I get to meet Adam's extended
Orlando family which,
funnily enough,
295
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,800
does include a giant
and a couple of dwarves.
296
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:13,600
We may even stop off for a dance
at the ball where the beautiful
people are.
297
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:17,000
Sadly, they don't do glass slippers
in my size, but then,
298
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,880
when did I ever leave a club
before midnight?
299
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:23,520
Ladies and gentlemen...
300
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,640
..please raise your glasses to my...
301
00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:33,840
..husband, the love of my life,
Adam.
302
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:39,760
To our always and forever,
till death do us part...
303
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,920
..as hopefully happily ever after
as it gets.
304
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,360
I think it's better off the cuff.
305
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:58,760
From the heart. Oh, you can really
overthink these things, can't you?
23429
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