All language subtitles for Queers.s01e07.1080p.BluRay.x264-SHORTBREHD

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified) Download
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,400 Can I tell you something? 2 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,840 Strictly entre nous. 3 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,440 I am not what I seem. 4 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:36,400 I am not a man. 5 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:40,960 That is to say, I was not born a man, 6 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,800 but I do not wish to be a man, no. 7 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:47,160 I like the costume, I like the ease, 8 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:51,880 I like the way I'm able be in the world, but I am very much... 9 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:54,240 ..female. 10 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,720 Space. 11 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,640 A gentleman must take up space. 12 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:05,920 Head erect, shoulders back, chest proud. 13 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:10,160 No hint of apology, no fluttery hands 14 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,760 or silly, unnecessary gestures. 15 00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:17,160 One must enter the room and know that one is instantly 16 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,680 the biggest thing in it. 17 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,400 Expect that. 18 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:27,160 One must sit with a wide stance, knees an acre apart. 19 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:31,080 As much to say, "I am the emperor here and you must make room for my 20 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,320 "enormous appendage." 21 00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:34,440 If you'll excuse me. 22 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,120 Keep it under your hat, old bean. 23 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:40,600 It's just our little secret. 24 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:47,360 She is not what he seems, and she, as he, can rattle around 25 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:51,040 as he pleases, and if he so pleases to indulge in a bout 26 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,240 of beard splitting, then so be it. 27 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:58,520 No-one will bat an eyelid and one can carry on being 28 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:01,760 a cake-eater till one has had one's fill. 29 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:04,800 Did you clock it? 30 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:07,920 If so, how so? 31 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,760 I am a renowned gentleman, you know. 32 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:12,920 I pass. 33 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:15,920 I pass terribly well. 34 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,920 Although it seems not as well as I'd hoped. 35 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:21,360 CLOCK DINGS 36 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:22,440 Not when it matters. 37 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:29,920 She's late. 38 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,800 I've always been outdoorsy. 39 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,720 My poor old Ma used to say, 40 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,520 "Ellen Mary Page, you'll be the death of me! 41 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:44,200 "Get inside and scrub them knees - you look like a regular Tom!" 42 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:46,920 I was always out playing. 43 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,320 With Lizzie, mostly. 44 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:53,600 Up and down Mare Street, nicking whelks off the one-eyed man 45 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,440 with the seafood stall. 46 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:58,560 And she'd distract him by asking for a pint of prawns 47 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:03,000 and a blank stare and I'd blindside him and pocket a fistful of cockles. 48 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,720 Oh, I adored Lizzie! 49 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:08,960 And she adored me. 50 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,920 Every night, when we dragged ourselves away from each other, 51 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:15,680 I'd say, "Cash or cheque?" 52 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,240 And she'd say, "Cash." 53 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,680 And I'd get a kiss on the cheek. 54 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:24,400 Our favourite game was wedding day. 55 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:28,120 She was always the bride, of course, and I would be the groom. 56 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:29,720 I'd get my dad's best coat. 57 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:33,440 Grey tweed, leather buttons, smell of sweat, coal. 58 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:36,160 Bits of dried-up tobacco in the breast pocket. 59 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,040 I'd have to wait for her at the end of the aisle, 60 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,760 the back alley where our mothers would hang the washing. 61 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:47,520 And I'd watch her, holding my breath, 62 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:52,600 as she picked her way through the grey sheets and stained drawers, 63 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:56,040 a huge, stupid smile on her face. 64 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:01,520 And when she reached me and put her arm through mine... 65 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,440 ..I fair exploded. 66 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:08,120 I loved her. 67 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:10,760 I knew that. 68 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:15,320 I longed to take her in my arms and kiss her neck. 69 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,400 Would she allow it? 70 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,040 Could she? 71 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,320 I just didn't know. 72 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:28,520 Then bloody William Foyle turned up. 73 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:33,840 All big muscles, crooked smile and twinkly-eyed. 74 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,600 And she fell for him straightaway. 75 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,720 He bought her a tuppence bag of aniseed balls and she was lost. 76 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:42,640 I was heartbroken. 77 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:45,200 She still said "cash" 78 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,040 when we did manage to see each other, but... 79 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,040 ..I could see her heart wasn't in it. 80 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,320 She looked sad. 81 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,040 But not for her, for me. 82 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,040 "Don't be like that, Ellen," she'd say. 83 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,400 Touching my arm. 84 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,720 Once, she took me in. 85 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,440 She took pity on me. 86 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:12,800 And we sat by the fire. 87 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:18,160 I had my arms wrapped around her waist. 88 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:20,560 And... 89 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,920 ..I just let my hand drop lower and lower 90 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:30,400 until it was resting in her glorious lap. 91 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:35,920 I moved my hand slowly, slowly. 92 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:38,280 She froze... 93 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:40,720 ..then relaxed. 94 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:43,600 I waited. 95 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,760 Minutes groaned by. 96 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:53,320 She let me. 97 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:56,800 She... 98 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,520 let me. 99 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,360 And then, all of a sudden, she jumped up, 100 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,720 grabbed her shawl and ran out the back door. 101 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,480 I called after her, but she didn't turn back. 102 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:16,640 It was exactly two weeks later that I ran into her 103 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:17,800 buying a loaf of bread. 104 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:22,800 "Lizzie," I said, "I'm sorry. 105 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:26,960 "Please, please speak to me." 106 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,200 "Don't," she said. 107 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,680 She sort of hissed it. 108 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:37,200 I searched her face for a sign of softness, but there was none. 109 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,360 There was only fear. 110 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:43,960 Only fear. 111 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,080 She turned on her heel and marched off. 112 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:52,160 "Cash or cheque?" I shouted after her. 113 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:54,800 She didn't miss a beat. 114 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,560 "Cheque," she said, over her shoulder. 115 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:02,120 And then she was gone. 116 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:05,360 Into the fog. 117 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,040 I was 16. 118 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:11,920 My life was over. 119 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,120 Ellen Mary Page... 120 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,160 ..was dead. 121 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:24,320 I moved away after that, went south of the river, found lodgings, 122 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,520 didn't speak to anyone or go out at all at first. 123 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,560 I had very little money, of course. 124 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,920 Only what I could make as a skivvy. 125 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:34,720 I washed pots morning, noon and night, 126 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,040 set fires, peeled potatoes. 127 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:42,160 Bored rigid, I was, but dead inside, so it didn't matter. 128 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:45,360 "Is this it?" I'd think to myself. 129 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:51,480 Then one day, I was told to throw some of Sir's old clothes out. 130 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,960 Apparently, he was trying to become more a la mode 131 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,160 and wanted only brogues and Oxford bags. 132 00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,280 I took the package up the scullery steps... 133 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,960 ..and opened it. 134 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:09,160 The smell of old sweat, tobacco, soap. 135 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:12,360 And I... 136 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:15,720 I pressed the white dress shirt close to my face and... 137 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,800 ..breathed it in. 138 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:21,520 Trousers, too, high-waisted, 139 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,160 black satin trim down the legs. 140 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:28,720 White silk bow tie, long-line tuxedo, top hat - the lot. 141 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,880 I stuffed the parcel behind the bin and grabbed it on my way home. 142 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,640 I went home and I put it all on. 143 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:39,840 It was like... 144 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,040 ..a sacrament. 145 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,360 I felt wonderful. 146 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:53,360 And the second night, I got daring and looked in the mirror. 147 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:56,480 I must have posed for hours. 148 00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:02,160 You know, tilting my head this way and that, practising my walk. 149 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:05,040 I really thought I was the cat's particulars. 150 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,880 The frog's eyebrows. 151 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,440 Well, the third night, I got bold and went out. 152 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,720 I couldn't look at anyone, I couldn't breathe! 153 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:19,440 I was sure, at any moment, someone would point and laugh. 154 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,400 You know, shout at me, call me, "Nancy boy!" 155 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:29,120 But I am tall and broad-shouldered, with a bosom like two bee stings. 156 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,800 I know the gas light helped, it was foggy and, well, 157 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,200 the top hat was a touch too big. 158 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,520 It kept falling down over my eyes. 159 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,080 But I was a man. 160 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:49,160 I went out every night after that, started going to pubs, 161 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:52,920 ordering beer, sitting at the bar, smoking. 162 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:55,000 Plagued by no-one. 163 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,880 The odd nod from the other gents, but I liked it. 164 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:03,280 I started to feel, well, not happy, but free. 165 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,600 Free of my misery. 166 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:09,320 And the queer thing is, I started to resent my maid's garments. 167 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:12,120 I began to feel silly in my skirts, 168 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:15,160 as if my pinny were a costume and not my tux! 169 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:21,840 Then the ladies started coming in, just one or two, 170 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,920 only at weekends and always with their husbands. 171 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:29,120 It wasn't difficult to spot the unhappy ones. 172 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,080 They'd sit sipping their gins silently. 173 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:38,120 Eyes cast down, fidgeting while their men jawed on. 174 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:43,240 I started to catch the attention of the odd lady. 175 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:45,040 I'd smile, 176 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:48,520 bow my head at them, and they would blush. 177 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,480 One or two of the braver ones started to manufacture conversation 178 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:53,600 when I passed, discreetly. 179 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,400 The weather, the horses, 180 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,480 things they thought a gentleman might like to discuss. 181 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:03,880 Then one night, a lady called Alice, 182 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,440 40, plump, sad-eyed, 183 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:10,520 somewhat in her cups, grabbed my arm and asked to meet me out back. 184 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:16,160 I was stumped, but waited a few minutes and followed her out. 185 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:20,320 She was waiting in the shadows and she grabbed me and started babbling 186 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,040 about how she felt a curious, morbid attraction to me 187 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,600 and needed to kiss me, just once! 188 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,800 I pressed my lips on hers and she groaned. 189 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:33,720 One thing led to another and before long, 190 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:37,240 I was sliding my hand up her skirts every Friday night. 191 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,080 Others followed. 192 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:44,600 Word got round about the Doctor of Southwark. 193 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:49,160 They said I could cure hysteria by inducing paroxysms. 194 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:52,520 I would tip-toe in, and one by one, I'd give them the nod 195 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:55,240 and we'd go out back and I'd shuffle them off. 196 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,680 I did six in one night one busy Saturday. 197 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,800 I got cramp. 198 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:04,120 Yes, I've read The Well Of Loneliness. 199 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,880 "That night they were not divided." 200 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,080 Well, she should have got out more. 201 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,800 I never let them touch me. 202 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,800 Even though I had started to pack myself with an old sock. 203 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,240 Just the one. 204 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,120 I'm not a crower. 205 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,280 "You're nice," they'd say. 206 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,760 "The perfect gentleman." 207 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:26,520 Then Sally came. 208 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,000 No man. 209 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:40,560 She breezed in with a couple of other girls, egging each other on, 210 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,760 fresh from the meadows and longing to be led astray. 211 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,080 She caught my eye and held it. 212 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:52,440 I fell instantly in love. 213 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:56,600 She was 18 and never been kissed, but she was bold, 214 00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:01,680 hungry for her life to start and, I found, so was I. 215 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:07,240 I walked her home three miles, floated back to Southwark, 216 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,480 saw her every Saturday. 217 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,760 She was working at Boots in Piccadilly, 218 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,680 and on my day off, I'd go in to make her blush. 219 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:19,240 I'd ask her loudly for, "A little something for the weekend." 220 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:21,760 The other girls would laugh at me, say, 221 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,440 "Here he is, Burlington Bertie!" 222 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,760 If only they knew I was more Vesta Tilley 223 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,280 than they could ever imagine. 224 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,640 "I walked down the Strand with me gloves on me hands 225 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,720 "and I walked down again with them off." 226 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:38,600 Did they know? 227 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:40,920 Could they see? 228 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,920 Sally didn't. 229 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:45,000 Or didn't seem to. 230 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:48,040 Or didn't want to. 231 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,000 Until last night. 232 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,280 I am such a fool. 233 00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,720 Such an utter idiot! 234 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,960 I don't know why I thought it would ever work. 235 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:12,880 We'd been intimate for some weeks, three, four. 236 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,040 But she wasn't like the others. 237 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:16,800 She wanted more. 238 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,360 A lot more. 239 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,760 She said she loved me and wanted us to go steady. 240 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:27,080 I was so deliriously happy... 241 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:29,600 ..I asked her to marry me. 242 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:31,880 Marry me?! 243 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:36,160 And she said yes, straightaway. She didn't even want to wait. 244 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,160 "I want to marry you now, Bobby Page, right now! 245 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:42,720 "I want to wash your socks and have 12 babies and make you 246 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:45,960 "steak pudding and kiss you every night," she'd say. 247 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:50,880 Smothering me with her mouth, trying to pull on my flies. 248 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:55,520 I managed to push her away, but she only fought harder, laughing. 249 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,720 Saying, why was I so shy? 250 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,720 And surely a handsome chap like me had had scores of girls. 251 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,360 She became more and more insistent. 252 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:09,560 She started borrowing filthy books from a dirty girl at work. 253 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,400 The language! 254 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,160 I'd never heard the like. 255 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:17,320 "I've got standing room for one," she'd whisper. 256 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:20,240 Or, "I need my chimney swept good and proper." 257 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:24,080 Well, it was me blushing then, but... 258 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:27,640 ..it did things to me. 259 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:32,120 I started to get nervous that she would leave me. 260 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,440 I tried to break it off, but I couldn't. 261 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:37,680 I loved her. 262 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:41,280 So I did something... 263 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:44,640 ..utterly insane. 264 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,240 Such sheer folly. 265 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:50,840 Oh, God! 266 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:56,840 And that's why I'm in this pickle. 267 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,320 You see, the big house has a lot of candles, 268 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:07,240 and yesterday I was replacing the old ones in the dining room - 269 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,560 she likes fresh every night. 270 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,360 And it got me to thinking, what a waste! 271 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:19,160 Don't laugh, but I whittled one down at the end. 272 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:23,160 I've never seen a real one - had to avoid the urinals 273 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:24,640 for obvious reasons, 274 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:30,160 but I've seen dirty puzzles, filthy books, so I had a good idea. 275 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,520 I stuck it in my underwear. 276 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:36,960 It kept slipping out. 277 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,040 It was quite a queer gait I had walking down the street, but... 278 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:44,120 ..I liked it. 279 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:48,280 I went to pick her up from work, waited round the back. 280 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:51,960 As soon as she saw me, she grabbed me and kissed me, 281 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,520 pushed me up against the bins, 282 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:57,760 fumbled for my privates and I let her. 283 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:01,280 And she smiled, reached to my flies and let out a gasp. 284 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:06,840 And then she pulled up her skirts and said, "Stick it in me!" 285 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:07,880 Just like that! 286 00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:10,600 Well, it was dark. 287 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,200 "Why not?" thought I. 288 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:16,560 Why not? 289 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,200 So we did it. 290 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,200 And after, she said, 291 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:29,400 "Thank you," and looked so pleased, I could have died happy. 292 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,520 Her clinging on to me, 293 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,720 her hot breath on the back of my neck as she calmed herself. 294 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,360 And then it fell out. 295 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:40,720 Slipped out of my hand. 296 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,200 She screamed. 297 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:47,160 For a moment, I think she thought she'd broken it, 298 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:48,520 but then... 299 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:53,560 ..she saw what it was, and her face, it... 300 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,400 ..folded in on itself. 301 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,560 And she gathered up her skirts and ran. 302 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,880 I mean, how could she not have known? 303 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,640 Surely, a candle is just... 304 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,520 ..the wrong kind of stiff. 305 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,000 I don't think I can do this any more. 306 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:22,120 And then this morning... 307 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,320 ..a note. 308 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,880 "Who are you? What are you?" 309 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,160 She said to meet here. 310 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:37,040 "I'm Bert, perhaps you've heard of me. 311 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,840 "Bert, you've heard word of me. 312 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:43,600 "Jogging along, hearty and strong, 313 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,920 "living on plates of fresh air. 314 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:52,960 "I dress up in fashion and when I'm feeling depressed... 315 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:58,120 "..I shave from my cuff all my whiskers and fluff. 316 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,560 "Stick my hat on... 317 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,440 "and toddle up west." 318 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:04,920 BELL RINGS 22285

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.