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1
00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:25,000
I'm getting quite good at dying.
2
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,360
Mostly, that's me in a bed,
in a hospital,
3
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:34,560
looking pasty and terrified
and tetchy.
4
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,280
They expect you to be tetchy.
5
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:43,280
Like, I had PCP for
a single on Channel 4.
6
00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:47,720
Pneumocystis pneumonia - horrible
job, take after fucking take.
7
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,400
The director comes to me -
Dan, his name is, he said...
8
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:54,800
"We need to see more anger, yeah?"
9
00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,360
I said, "Why?"
10
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,960
Well, he just looks at me
like it's obvious.
11
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:03,920
"Because the Government are
doing nothing, yeah?
12
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:04,960
"There's no funding,
13
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:07,360
"and these fucking iceberg films
they have on telly now,
14
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:08,800
"it's fucking criminal."
15
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,800
I said, "I thought my character
would probably be past anger
16
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:17,240
"by this stage. I'd probably be
thinking much more practical things,
17
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:20,480
"like, is this going to hurt?
18
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:21,880
"Or will it be over quick?"
19
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:26,400
"What would I have done with my life
if I'd lived?
20
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:30,280
"Maybe. Could I have done things
differently, been more careful,
21
00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:31,720
"made different choices?"
22
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:36,400
Anyway, he wanted anger,
so, ooh, he got anger.
23
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:41,000
I channelled the anger I was feeling
towards him and that helped.
24
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,440
This is a key skill.
25
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,960
Some actors can't draw on
themselves, their experiences.
26
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,160
I can,
27
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:53,600
though, obviously, I'm not dead yet
so I've been having to make that up.
28
00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,240
Then after that, I did a film
29
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:59,440
where I get stabbed by a serial
killer who's picking on gays,
30
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:00,520
for some unknown reason,
31
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,920
but, obviously,
that was just a metaphor.
32
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:06,840
When the police finally catch him,
even he doesn't know why he does it.
33
00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:08,680
I saw that when it went out
at the Curzon
34
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,040
and I could hear quite a few
people sobbing in the audience
35
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:12,920
when I pegged it.
36
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:14,880
I got a bit tearful myself,
actually.
37
00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,360
It's just the face.
38
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:21,320
I look young and innocent,
so you're immediately thinking,
39
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:22,760
"What a waste."
40
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,160
That's why I get the parts,
I reckon.
41
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:31,360
The scene...I'm really good at
42
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:35,080
is the deathbed scene
where the boyfriend shows up.
43
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:36,480
More often than not,
44
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:40,520
I'm doing well health-wise
when the complications hit,
45
00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:44,000
so the sudden deterioration's
a surprise for both of us.
46
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:47,480
He's sometimes older - not always -
cute, obviously,
47
00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,480
but there is an awkwardness
between us.
48
00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:52,800
It's not actually said, but...
49
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,440
..you get the vague sense
that he's been messing about
50
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:57,800
in saunas and toilets
51
00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,280
and not taking precautions,
52
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:03,120
while I, of course,
have been faithful as a puppy,
53
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,240
so then there's the injustice
of it, too.
54
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,560
I have a bit of a barney with him,
but I'm generally forgiving.
55
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,400
I just go a bit arch, you know,
56
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,840
got me sparky sense of humour
right till the end.
57
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:16,680
Eugh.
58
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:23,600
I had lunch with my agent, and
she's dead pleased I'm working -
59
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,040
and so am I, but...
60
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,560
..it's getting a bit samey.
61
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,960
I don't feel like
I'm moving forward, you know?
62
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,240
She reckons I should be grateful.
63
00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:35,720
"You're really grabbing at
the heartstrings, Phil,
64
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,560
"really making an impact."
65
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,920
I just worry they're going to get
sick of the sight of me.
66
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,600
"Him again - dying, again."
67
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,080
She wasn't having it.
68
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,440
"The characters you get are pivotal,
Phil, pivotal.
69
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,160
"Everything around you changes
once you're..."
70
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:50,480
"Gone, yeah?" I said,
71
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,960
"It's awfully nice that my friends
get really, really upset
72
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:54,560
"when I'm dead,
73
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,240
"and then kind of reassess
their priorities and stuff.
74
00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:00,080
"I just wish I made it past
page 18."
75
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:03,000
She said, "You get the full fee."
76
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,320
I said, "That's not the point."
77
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,680
Still, it's work.
78
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:15,440
She said there might be a role
playing a bat thing on Doctor Who.
79
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,960
"Do they still make Doctor Who?"
I said.
80
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,480
"Apparently, yeah."
81
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,800
Plus a bit-part in an indie film,
82
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,800
English mourner at a funeral
in New York.
83
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,040
"Can you do grieving?"
84
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:27,840
I said, "Probably."
85
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:33,440
The truth is, I don't have much
to draw on there.
86
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,200
I've been lucky.
87
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,480
I know what it looks like, though.
88
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,720
I've seen it.
89
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,680
I've seen it often enough,
too often.
90
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:45,080
Horrible.
91
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,200
Then out of the blue, she asks me...
92
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,000
..if I get tested.
93
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,640
I said, "What?"
94
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:55,000
It's none of her business.
95
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,440
I don't,
96
00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:01,600
as it happens.
97
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,160
I couldn't face it.
I'd sooner not know.
98
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,680
I'm just not strong enough.
99
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:11,000
And it is possible to not get it,
if you're careful -
100
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:15,840
and by careful, I don't mean
bloody celibate or monogamous.
101
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,360
I fucking love sex, me.
102
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,240
Bum sex mainly, but there is
an underrated beauty
103
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,360
to blowing a total stranger
in a toilet cubicle
104
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:26,760
that's hard to convey,
105
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:30,640
and if you try to convey it, it gets
boring or icky, quite quickly, so...
106
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:36,840
No squatting on your haunches -
knees must hit the floor,
107
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:39,200
and eye contact throughout.
108
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,600
Ooh. Oh!
109
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:45,600
I could be blowing someone now if it
weren't for this bloody death scene.
110
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,480
Agent's promised
she'll get me a role
111
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,160
that doesn't involve losing
half a stone
112
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,280
and whiting the face up,
so fingers crossed.
113
00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:01,320
I quite like doing
coming-out scenes,
114
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:05,400
though even there,
death crops up pretty quickly.
115
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:08,880
I did a play where
I was Liverpudlian,
116
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:13,360
so it was dead bitter, but really
funny, like corrosively funny.
117
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,480
The mother's mopping the floor,
and I drop the bombshell.
118
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:19,240
We have a row. I throw in...
119
00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,160
LIVERPOOL ACCENT: "What do you
want me to do,
120
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,840
"get married and be unhappy?"
121
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,200
She comes back with, "Why not?
122
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,280
"That's what I bloody did!"
123
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,120
The mother gets the best lines.
124
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,840
The gay boy's the feed.
125
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,720
Then, of course, she realises
I'm not done with the bombshells,
126
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:38,480
and the full horror of her situation
dawns on her - her little Billy,
127
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,600
gay and dead, in quick succession.
128
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,880
"More than a poor girl's
heart can take."
129
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,160
The upshot is, she loses her faith.
130
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,040
That was at the Finborough,
131
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:53,040
so while she's rowing
with the bishop at the funeral,
132
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:56,160
I slip out early and
get down the Coleherne.
133
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,400
There's a bloke goes there
some nights.
134
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,080
Simon.
135
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,280
Fucking...
136
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:07,400
The legs. Dancer's legs, and,
sorry, I actually am a size queen.
137
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:08,920
I make no apologies.
138
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,840
Simon fits the bill.
139
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:16,200
The best fuck ever.
140
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:17,840
I've kind of got a top top-ten
in my head,
141
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,440
and for a long time, it was a guy
I met in Portsmouth at number one,
142
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:24,480
but Simon has knocked him off
the top top spot.
143
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:27,440
Dead fit, proper man.
144
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,840
Nice enough bloke, as well,
sense of humour.
145
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:32,320
I don't normally talk to blokes
down the Coleherne
146
00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:34,280
cos it risks breaking the spell,
147
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,760
but it hasn't broken Simon's spell.
148
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:44,840
Agent called yesterday, got me
an audition for a TV new soap.
149
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:49,200
Gay character - called Clive,
who isn't ill,
150
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,440
and according to the man at
the Beeb, never gets it,
151
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:52,760
it's actually in the contract.
152
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,120
Just has a life.
153
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,440
Has the same kind of plotlines
as the other characters,
154
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,960
but from a gay perspective.
155
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,600
So, well, that'd be progress.
156
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:05,400
If I got it. He's also not camp,
which is fairly important -
157
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:09,440
not that I can't do camp, but
the days of Mr Humphries are over.
158
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,160
Lads at school used to take the piss
when that programme was on,
159
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:13,560
not of me - I'm not naturally camp.
160
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:16,320
I can go quite blokey, in fact.
161
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,920
I should get put up for
more straight roles, really.
162
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,720
I did play angry shopper
in Albion Market,
163
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:25,000
but it wasn't established
whether he was gay or straight,
164
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,480
so it doesn't count.
165
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,160
Nor does the bat thing
on Doctor Who.
166
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,920
Well, not really.
167
00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:33,840
No, Clive isn't camp,
but he's not blokey either.
168
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:38,360
He's, um, sensitive,
takes life seriously,
169
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,920
and may appear guarded
when we first meet him,
170
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:44,920
but underneath,
he's warm, emotional,
171
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:48,680
and soon becomes a popular member
of the local community.
172
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:50,840
LAUGHS: I can play Clive...
173
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,080
..standing on me head.
174
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,040
Ah, so now it's my fault, is it?
175
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,760
Oh. So now it's MY fault.
176
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:05,880
Is it?
177
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,400
Oh!
178
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,320
So now it's my fault, is it?
179
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:10,880
Oh...
180
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,840
Clive is the most boring man
181
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:16,080
ever presented on a TV screen -
seriously.
182
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,360
Fretful fucking creep.
183
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:22,680
Not camp, no.
No sense of humour whatsoever.
184
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:26,440
I've got this beige boyfriend,
like Clive Mark 2.
185
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,680
Only taller with a pierced ear.
186
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:32,200
And the fucking hugging
we get up to - oh, scandalous.
187
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,320
I can't get ill,
obviously, of anything.
188
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,280
The fucker isn't even allowed
to cough.
189
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:41,000
Plotline at the moment where I turn
out to be fiddling my tax returns
190
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,880
so me and the boyfriend can build
a beige life together.
191
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,400
I had thought fiddling the tax
192
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:51,200
might lead to a prison story,
which could be quite, um, meaty.
193
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,680
But no. Clive's not fiddling
THAT MUCH.
194
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:56,920
Of course he fucking isn't.
195
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,200
Eurgh.
196
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:00,720
Ah...
197
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,400
Simon's not beige.
198
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,080
That's one colour that
Simon really isn't.
199
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,320
He's so fit.
200
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:13,760
We've kind of been seeing a bit more
of each other - his suggestion.
201
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,480
It threw me at first.
202
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,200
We'd just got it on
in the Coleherne,
203
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,160
cubicle nearest the window, and...
204
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,200
He gets nasty, does Simon.
205
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,360
Full palm of the hand stuff.
206
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:28,240
And we were having a pint
in the front after,
207
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,000
and he suddenly says,
208
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,760
"We could go and see a film
or something."
209
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,680
The thought of us, hand-in-hand,
buying popcorn...
210
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:41,560
But we gave it a whirl, and...
211
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:44,960
..it was nice.
212
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:50,160
He's strong. Only a few years older
than me, but he's lived proper, man,
213
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,640
like a...
214
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:52,680
big brother.
215
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,600
Taps into something, you know?
216
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,480
SIGHS: It's nice.
217
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,680
His legs are incredible.
218
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:05,520
I know he's more than just a pair of
legs, but all the same.
219
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,480
I could actually play...
220
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,360
..in love, these days,
221
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,600
if the right part
would only fucking come up.
222
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,480
Oh, so now it's my fault, is it?
223
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,440
There's a line in
next week's episode
224
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:25,760
where the beige boyfriend
225
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,600
says he's thinking of moving back
to Hemel Hempstead.
226
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,040
I have a feeling
Clive's going to go with him,
227
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:34,080
so that'll be the end of that.
228
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:35,760
Yeah, good riddance to him.
229
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,360
I went back to the agent.
230
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,840
She says Clive isn't easy to love,
and,
231
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,160
"If you are dropped
from the show, darling,
232
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,680
"at least you're not
leaving in a wooden box."
233
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:48,720
Which is true.
234
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,480
I just thought that I was...
235
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,040
..getting somewhere.
236
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,960
Still, I'm up for a tour of Bent
at the end of the month,
237
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,480
so it's not all doom and gloom.
238
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:18,440
I just think, if you're entering
into a relationship with someone,
239
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:21,000
you should be honest from the start.
240
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:25,880
Not hide any bombshells, pull
the rug from under a bloke's feet.
241
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,360
I was completely not expecting it,
242
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,640
just sitting with him on the sofa
watching a film,
243
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,200
and he comes out with it.
244
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,040
"By the way, I'm positive."
245
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:40,080
Well, he must've seen panic in my
eyes because he immediately says,
246
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,760
"We've been safe.
You're not in any danger."
247
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,200
Which calmed me down a bit.
248
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,320
Still, I was shocked.
249
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,760
He said it was more than just HIV.
250
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,880
He actually had
251
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:55,800
AIDS.
252
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,680
"But I'm OK.
253
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,040
"I'm looking after myself.
254
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,360
"I get regular check-ups,
do all the right things.
255
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,680
"Yeah, I get scared sometimes,
but...
256
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:04,720
"I stand a good chance.
257
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:07,320
"And I wanted to tell you,
258
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,680
"because, well, it's important
if we're going to...
259
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,320
"..get more serious."
260
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,080
I didn't say anything.
261
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:18,320
Just nodded.
262
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:21,280
Well, it's a lot to take in,
isn't it?
263
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,760
We tried to just spend the evening
together,
264
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,800
but an hour in, he says,
265
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:30,720
"This silence isn't just you getting
your head round the news, is it?"
266
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:34,280
I just looked at him.
267
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:40,200
After that, he went off into
the kitchen and...
268
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,560
I heard him crying.
269
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:47,360
Sobbing like a baby.
270
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,720
So that was that.
271
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,720
Spell broken, well and truly.
272
00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:01,240
It'd be nice if I had some work to
take my mind off him, but, um...
273
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,320
You see, the fallow periods
are part of the job.
274
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,360
The trick is not to see
one rejection as part of a trend.
275
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,120
Time passes, though, doesn't it?
276
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,960
I won't be in the young and innocent
market forever,
277
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,760
and then dying's not as in demand
as it was,
278
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:17,360
which is ironic because there's more
dying now than ever - way more -
279
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,520
but the circus has moved on.
280
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:23,480
Doctors say it's heading
towards a peak,
281
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,040
and with all the drugs coming up,
282
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,000
more people are going to live
longer and longer.
283
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,800
It'll be like normal lives.
284
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,400
Well, that may well be true but...
285
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,520
..I wonder where it all leaves me.
286
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,160
I mean, the only thing to do
once the '80s are gone
287
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,840
would be to wipe the slate,
press reset, start...
288
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,560
..having fun again.
289
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,800
And then no-one's going to want to
watch the stuff I made
290
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:48,920
once it really is over.
291
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,000
I mean, why would they
look back on all that death?
292
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,080
It's just depressing.
293
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,160
It's no way to move forward, is it?
294
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:55,760
So, no repeat fees.
295
00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:59,640
My oeuvre will moulder
in the archives.
296
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,520
I ran into him last week, Simon...
297
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,080
..in Tower Records.
298
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,680
He doesn't go down
the Coleherne now.
299
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,800
He was there with his little BF -
smiley, cute enough,
300
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,520
and clearly Lady Helium Heels.
301
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,720
Well, he'd have to be.
302
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,120
We talked a bit, but it was...
303
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:27,880
..a bit awkward.
304
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,600
I came away wondering whether he'd
even told the little boyfriend.
305
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:33,760
Well...
306
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:36,600
It's none of my business.
307
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,400
I know what my future will be.
308
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:45,560
I'll get work -
quiet, single bloke at party,
309
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:49,320
some swish loft apartment, music.
310
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:50,760
I'll be just right for the man
311
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,640
who can't quite get into
the swing of things.
312
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,880
Some young blonde lad'll
come over and start on me,
313
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,760
"Oh, smile - it might never happen."
314
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:58,920
And that'll be my cue...
315
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:04,680
..to wag my finger, to lecture,
tell them what went on,
316
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,400
what WE went through.
317
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,080
They'll all listen, but
it'll be uncomfortable.
318
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:12,760
They'll all kind of exchange
glances, let me say my piece,
319
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:16,280
and then I'll probably storm off.
320
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,760
The blonde lad'll say something
funny to lighten the mood.
321
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,480
Time was, it was me who had
the funny lines.
322
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,000
Sparky sense of humour.
323
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,200
Only back then, I was dying,
and they're not.
324
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:32,840
But what was I supposed to do?
325
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:35,760
He broke the spell.
326
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,520
If finger-wagging really is all
I have to look forward to,
327
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:44,400
then I'll have a lot to work with.
Have you heard?
328
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,480
The Department of Health's pulled
its finger out -
329
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,720
they're going to print
some information about AIDS
330
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:49,840
in the papers -
331
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,640
only Thatcher said no.
332
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,080
They should just stick some posters
up on lavatory walls,
333
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,000
and leave it at that, because normal
people can't catch it, you see.
334
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,520
And no-one wants to read about
arse-fucking in The Sun, do they?
335
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,400
The Sun. "When you mess with nature
you've got it coming to you, mate."
336
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,920
The Sun. And we've got Private Eye
telling us
337
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:09,040
gay stands for "Got AIDS Yet?"
338
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,440
That's a good one, isn't it?
339
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,000
The Met police raided
the Vauxhall Tavern last week.
340
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,640
The coppers were wearing
rubber gloves
341
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,440
to protect them from
the gay plague.
342
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,480
Stuff like that...
343
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,520
..is happening to us.
344
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:25,200
While hundreds of people die,
our friends and our lovers,
345
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,400
stuff like that is
fucking commonplace.
346
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,120
It feels like the world's
gone cold and mad.
347
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,480
And I'll bet you, years from now,
348
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,600
if you want to get anywhere near
this stuff on stage,
349
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,080
you'll have to do it tangentially,
350
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:37,120
use some clever trick
to keep things light,
351
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:40,560
because, hey, being gay in the '80s
was more than just AIDS, wasn't it?
352
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:45,640
Was that anger enough?
40907
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