Original subtitles

Ah Misery me

(SIGHING LOUDLY)

(SIGHING)

Beggars belief, doesn't it?

We haven't got one decent candle in the whole house

Don't know how long this lot are going to last

-Don't know where to put them for the best -I know where I'd like to put them

Just be patient

I expect it'll come back on any minute

(SIGHING)

And stop sighing like that You're sucking up all the oxygen

Typical, isn't it? The hottest day of the bloody year

What a good job we bought these three giant Chillmaster electric fans last week

They're just the ticket for a night like this

-I have a good mind to go to bed -Well, why don't you?

I wouldn't sleep this early I never get off till about 3:00 in the morning as it is

Just lying there all tense and jittery

Don't I know it

The way you were twitching about on your stomach last night like a porpoise having a seizure

Squirming about with your bottom all clenched up to kingdom come

God knows what you were dreaming about

I told you not to watch Deliverance before you went to bed

There'll be claw marks on that headboard now forevermore

Some people grind their teeth in their sleep You grind your buttocks

Yes, all right

I could have sharpened a pencil up there last night

I said, all right

I don't want to be reminded about it, thank you very much

And don't open that window We'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes

It's the same every summer

That ruddy ornamental pond of hers across the road turns into a public health hazard

No, perhaps I'll just stick my head in the fish tank

I mean, what am I supposed to do?

It's like a bake house in here

Look at these chrysanths Three days and wilting already

Never mind plant food I should give you a sachet of Viagra

Bloody things

(GRUNTING)

I got that sharp pain all down my front again

You can't tell me that's wind

All those monkey nuts you were eating in the bath,

I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone

Lying there with all the little husks floating about like canoes

No wonder you didn't finish your tea

Yes, well, I needed a bath after buggering about all morning with that new lawn mower

Three words destined to strike fear into any man

''Easy home assembly''

Just putting the grass box together took four hours

Every time you got a bit to stay in, so another bit would pop out

I'll be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings in my sleep tonight

Doesn't matter how much you pay for something nowadays,

they still expect you to put it together

''Yes Here's your boarding pass for the flight to Rome, Mr Meldrew

''You'll find the plane lying in a flat pack at Gate 1 3

''Complete with a full set of instructions''

Same with that lampshade I put up the other day

The chains on that were all lopsided

So you've told me, about 1 00 times

(SIGHING WITH RELIEF)

Wonder if it's Crohn's Syndrome

Will you stop prodding at it?

You've been to the doctor's

He's given you a thorough checkup all over

Yes, that was another thing

I got undressed and suddenly he starts staring at my feet

and whistling as though he's never seen anything like it

He said, ''Do you mind if I take a photo of these for The Lancet?''

-I mean, what was that all about? -Well, why didn't you ask him?

Well, I didn't like to, in case it was something hideous

Something else I've got to worry about

Both burning up I can tell you that much

(MOANING)

I wish I had bought that foot spa now we saw in Debenhams

Could have that lovely water whirling all over them and freshening them up

Any minute now, the cap

And if I ever find the bastards who did this,

they'll know about it, I can tell you that much

Coming to it, when you can't put your cap down on a pub table to go to the toilet

without someone stubbing a cigarette out in it

If that's what happened

Well, I don't imagine it's a moth with a very healthy appetite

Some yob's idea of an hilarious prank

Why don't you go upstairs and do your Tai Chi? It might help you relax

It doesn't help me relax It makes me feel like a complete idiot

Well, Mr and Mrs Elsberry swear by it

Thought when they came over to give you some lessons,

the three of you were getting on quite well together

We looked like Wilson, Keppel and Betty

I got up at 6:00 this morning to go and do it in the park where no one could see me

and what happened?

I did that thing where you have to squat right down

and I couldn't get back up again

Had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee

I won't be trying that again

They say that hot air rises, don't they?

Wonder if it's any cooler down here

(SIGHING)

Good book?

Extremely

And I've just got to the interesting bit So, if you don't mind

(SIGHING)

Got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night

Great Aunt Joyce and Uncle Dick

I wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one

I expect so, yes

I knew we were in for a pleasant evening when he came in and said,

''Where shall I put the spittoon?''

Told him to make himself feel at home, so he took his false arm off

And said, ''Ah, that's better''

Didn't know where to look

He was using it as a back scratcher at one point

-Oh, do you remember? -Yes

I mean, that's all you want to hear half way through a meal, isn't it?

''Don't make her laugh too much Her glass eye is a bit loose''

Right in a plate of salad

And the eyesight's not that good in the other one

Shouting, ''It's all right I've got it''

Thought we'd never prise that cherry tomato out of the socket

It's bad enough with the lawn mower

without having to put the dinner guests back together

(SIGHING LOUDLY)

If it's no better than this tomorrow,

I may have to emigrate

Oh, what did the forecast say? Perhaps it'll be a bit cooler

Yes, and perhaps it'll be hotter still

You know I never watch the weather forecasts

If it's a nice morning and they say it's going to be worse in the afternoon,

how can you enjoy the morning?

Best not to know about it

It's the same with life in general

There are certain things you don't ever want to think about

What sort of things?

Well, I don't want to think about them, do I?

And it's the only way you can go on, isn't it?

From one moment to the next

I mean, if you knew now,

all the horrible things that were going to happen

For the love of buggery

What did I say to you about making sure you put those screws in properly?

-Oh! -You know what a hell of a weight this thing is

(GROANING)

Is it still in one piece?

I daren't look

I suppose we should be glad it fell on something soft

Yes, it's lucky I hadn't had a sachet of Viagra

It could have been smashed to smithereens

Don't be coarse

I mean, three and a half days it had to do that

But no It had to come down just at that moment

(GROANING)

And my chest's all horrible and sticky

Seems as if it's gone all crisp everywhere now

I'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer you've been squirting on

Enough to glue up a yak

Hair lacquer? Thanks very much for pointing that out to me

You should look at things more carefully in the first place

You are hot I'm hot

There's nothing we can do about it until the power comes back on

And when will that be?

I expect it'll come back on any minute

Now, do you mind?

(EXHALING LOUDLY)

(UNFOLDING NEWSPAPER LOUDLY)

Is that the one where the murderer fires a crossbow through the keyhole?

It's a very good one, if I remember rightly

What?

Why do I bother?

I have no idea sometimes

But all that happens at the beginning, surely?

Or do you only find out about it at the end?

Ah, yes

Sorry about that

Do you mind if I borrow the torch now?

If you've finished with it

Thanks

Oh, there's a man here who never throws his urine away

Belongs to a religious sect

that regard it as a sacred bodily fluid

containing part of the human soul

Kept everything he's ever passed since October 1 973

All bottled up in a huge wine cellar

And now, apparently, Leicestershire County Council are getting a court order to have it removed

''Said Mr Hibbert, 48,

'''It's not the first time people have tried to take the piss'''

Oh, you just love finding things like that in the paper, don't you?

I'm only reading what it says

Right up your street, that sort of thing Just tickles you to death

Read in here the other day, we'll soon be able to go to the toilet over the internet

I mean, how the hell is that supposed to work?

I don't know why I buy the bloody thing sometimes

(MOSQUITO BUZZING)

Oh, God, what did I tell you?

Now, where's the insect repellent?

I think I left it in the car

Don't You're not opening that front door

Well, what's the difference? They're in here now, anyway

VICTOR: And what the hell do you think you're playing at?

That's my bloody Up, move it!

This hasn't been parked here for your recreation, for God's sakes

Stop doing that while I'm talking to you

(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)

Get out of there!

law down here

I've never seen this sort of carry on in my life! Go on!

You! Get your toes out of my headrest!

will know about it, I can tell you

(DOOR CLOSING)

Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit, I don't know what does!

Did you see that?

Young bloke from down the road with his girlfriend

only having sex in the back seat of our car

Well, I had forgotten to close the sun roof

Bold as brass, just merrily getting on with it without a thought for my suspension

They didn't even stop when I opened the door

Stark naked, the pair of them

And he had the cheek to tell me to go and put some clothes on

Said I was lowering the whole tone of the area

It's that poor butcher's son, Kevin

You see, they don't care any more, youngsters like that

Butcher his pork next time I see him

Clothes all over the front seat

And I daren't tell you what I found on the gear stick

God!

Completely wore myself out now, with all that

Oh, I'm sorry, Margaret

I've had it with the human race

I'm going to become a registered hermit

Who was it said,

''Hell is other people''?

Mrs Smedley at number 1 4

-Was it? -Just after she got back from Benidorm

And she's got enough on her plate with that mother and father of his living there

I don't know how she copes

Don't know when I last saw him

Didn't someone say he's actually so fat he can't get out the front door now?

How ever much must he weigh?

Don't know

I think it's got something to do with all the tablets he has to take Poor old soul

I know the neighbours have been complaining

When she hangs his underpants out to dry, they lose an hour's daylight

I'll be reporting that little incident to the parents concerned Don't you worry

Bloody yobbery Morning, noon and night

(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)

-At last! -The relief!

I do not believe it!

False alarm

I might have known Just as that was coming up on the box Did you see that?

-See what? -On the screen just there

A man pointing at a photograph of my feet!

Oh, for goodness sake

On the Southeast News, as large as life

I just caught it before it went off again

That was a detail from the Crucifixion

I think I know my own feet when I see them

It's a programme about Renaissance art

I recognise the mole above my big toe

That was a nail

-Well, I know what I saw -Oh, will you stop fretting about them?

There's absolutely nothing the matter with them

(VICTOR SIGHING)

So we still can't watch any television

What's on anyway?

Dinosaur Hospital. Pick of the day

''This week, through the magic of state of the art technology,

''the team help a pterodactyl with a cleft palate resume a normal life''

I presume the presenters are computer-generated as well, are they?

I mean, Rolf Harris has been dead for 1 5 years to my certain knowledge

It's more than flesh and blood can stand

Oh, I expect it'll come back on in a minute

Well, there's nothing else for it

but to listen to Dale Winton reciting Kubla Khan.

Do we have to?

I need something to bring a smile to my face

DALE WINTON ON TAPE: In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree

Where Alph, the sacred river, ran

Through caverns measureless to man Down to a sunless sea

(VOICE DISTORTING) So twice five miles of fertile ground...

Oh, turn it off

Well, there must be some more batteries in this drawer somewhere

There aren't I've already checked

Well, we can't have run out of

Ah, now then

Oh, how did we forget about this?

The scented candle that Ronnie and Mildred brought back from Marrakesh

Are we really that desperate?

I'm afraid we are

''An enchanting blend of camphor, vanilla and peach''

Well, it can't be that bad

Talk about the devils Don't bring it over here

(MARGARET COUGHING)

''Important This is not a circular''

-What is it? -A circular

''Apply now for your special discount loyalty card to Cottleswood Crematorium

''Collect 3,000 points or more for a cash bonus,

''plus a free clock radio if you nominate a friend to be cremated before August 31 st''

If I nominate anything, it'll be all this bloody junk

I meant to get some batteries when I was out this morning,

but with all that kerfuffle on the way home, it just went right out of my mind

What kerfuffle's that?

Oh, yes I didn't tell you, did I?

There was a big siege going on in one of those houses by the putting green

Some maniac, apparently, holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint

The police had got the whole area sealed off

Traffic was being diverted It was just like something out of a film

Apparently, they weren't allowing anyone near the park

They'd got concealed marksmen in the bushes God knows what else

What time was this?

Well, it's been going on since yesterday lunchtime, I think they said

But I was up the park first thing this morning

Took that shortcut by the wire netting right next to the putting green

I didn't see any concealed marksmen

Well, you wouldn't, would you? They were concealed

I mean, obviously they were taking no chances

Reckoned this man was a complete nutcase

Said if he saw anyone doing anything remotely suspicious,

he was just going to open fire on them and ask questions later

Remotely suspicious?

You mean I was fart arsing about up there in the middle of the grass

in full view of an armed psychopath doing bloody Tai Chi exercises?

Jabbing my hands in the air like a simpleton

I could have ended up with a bullet through my

No No, it'll be what you said

Someone with a cigarette in a pub

I mean, this is This is probably a completely different part of the park

or something

I've come over all faint now

I got a sort of quivery feeling in my left ear like a whining sound

(MOSQUITO BUZZING)

Bloody thing! I thought I killed it!

Where's the spray?

Probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Who the hell is that at this time of night?

(WOMAN MURMURING INDISTINCTLY)

MARGARET: Well, of course we wouldn't mind

Well, we'll be only too pleased to

So if you want to bring him over, that'll be fine

What wouldn't we mind? What are we only too pleased to do now?

Mrs Smedley She's got to take her mother-in-law up the hospital

They think she's had a stroke

And, of course, they can't leave the old man on his own over there in the dark and everything

So she said, would we mind keeping an eye on him in here

just to make sure that he's all right, you know, till they come back

Oh, you're joking

Old Mr Smedley, the Hindenburg disaster on legs?

I mean, how have we got room for him in here?

He'll cause a lunar eclipse just passing the window

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Victor, what else was I supposed to say? Coming

Hello, Mr Sme Oh

My goodness That's a handy gadget to have in a power cut, is it?

Yes, it used to belong to my brother

Worked in the Kent mine fields for 25 years

-Really? -Mmm, prior to his untimely death

-from respiratory failure -Oh, dear

Well, can we Swing over here

Is that Can you manage that?

Oh, I think we're in business

-You You remember Victor? -Mmm

Yes, sorry to hear about your wife, Mr Smedley

Why don't you come and sit yourself down?

Yes, I I will if you

If you don't mind

Thank you

I'm very sorry about all this

-I'm sorry to be such a nuisance -Oh, don't be silly

Er, would you like a brandy or anything to steady your nerves?

Oh, no, it's all right I've, er, I've got my hot water bottle

It's always a great comfort, I find

Hot water

Sorry to be such a nuisance

They think my wife's had a stroke

Yes, we, erm

Hope she'll be all right up there They're terribly overstretched

Lady next door had to wait two hours the other week

just to get to the operating theatre

They said they were very short of trolleys and did she mind sharing with a corpse?

It is a nightmare these days

I hope she'll be all right up there

They said she'd probably be out in a few days

I expect she will

Well,

perhaps I'll just sit here and read my book

-Would you mind? -No, of course not You go ahead

Thank you

''Chapter eight

''Late that evening, I was surprised at my lodgings

''by a visit from Mr Bruff

''There was a noticeable change in the lawyer's manner

''It had lost its usual confidence and spirit

''He shook hands with me, for the first time in his life,

''in silence

-'''Are you going back to Hampstead?' I asked -Er, sorry, excuse me

''by way of saying'' Pardon?

Sorry You actually have to read it out aloud or

It's the only way I can get it to go in, unfortunately

And stay there

You'll find that when you get old

Yes, you see, I knew I was going to be a nuisance

No, no, no, Mr Smedley If it helps to take your mind off things

Anyway, I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid

Oh, fine Well, you know where it is and everything

No I mean I'm going to the toilet now

As I speak

The control goes, you know, after a while

Aggravated by too much stress and excitement

Well, erm, you know Well, let's get you sorted out

-Well -Yes

Upsy-daisy, Mr Smedley That's the ticket

Oh, God

-Well, here you are -Yeah

Oh, I don't think there's any damage done,

so, er, you better go first, I think

Yeah You see, I said I was being a nuisance

-and I have been -No, no

She'll be all right, though, won't she, up there?

I mean, they They said she'd only be in for a few days

(MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING)

MR SMEDLEY: I'll go in here MARGARET: Yes, all right

(MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING)

My God, I suppose we're going to be up with him all night

Potty training Mr Creosote

That's all we needed

No, no It looked as if he's going to nod off in there, actually

I think we might just let him sleep

-Oh -What?

I just feel a bit sick

What? How sick?

And breathlessness What else have you got? Chest pains?

Radiating outwards towards the shoulders?

No, no, I'll be okay in a minute

Well, I expect it's that bloody candle turning my stomach over

Poor old codger

-I suppose -What?

Well, it just

You know, what he said about his wife

Do you remember when my dad went into hospital?

They said that would just be for a few days

And after a few days, they said it would be just a few more

And that's how it went on

And we always knew it would be all right

Couple more days and he'd be back home with us all again

I don't think there's any other way we'd have got through those last six months

It's like you said

If it's sunny in the morning you don't want to know it's going to rain in the afternoon

(GROANING)

Three hours it's been off for now This is ridiculous!

Yes, well,

I expect it'll come on again any minute

I expect

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #