Original subtitles

**

[ birds chirping ]

Hey. Mike Baxter here for outdoor man

with my last vlog from the open road --

the dirty, bumpy-ass open road.

It's been an incredible two months putting together

the new outdoor man catalog.

Look for it later this fall.

This trip, I've seen pygmies,

but just barely, because, you know...They're pygmies.

I've hiked glaciers.

You can calm down, tree huggers. They're still there.

I fished for piranha, the only fish who brag to their friends,

"you should see the one that got away.

It was a finger. It was this big.

Still had a little ring on it."

But I still have the most incredible place in the world

to look forward to -- home.

As I recall, it's somewhere in Colorado.

Big, square state. Smells like pot.

Nothing beats coming home after being on the road.

After two months of exotic adventures,

I can't wait to see my family, watch my TV, sleep in my bed.

Oh, yeah. And eat American food.

I hear there's a new pizza with a crust

made entirely of hot dogs?

God bless the United States, except California.

Baxter out.

**

I'm home! Anybody?

If you want to jump out and say "surprise,"

your -- your window's closing.

Surprise.

Stay hidden, everybody! Stay hidden!

I sent the girls on an errand.

There's nobody here but me.

Mm.

My, who is this bearded stranger

kissing me here in the dining car?

Role playing. How about this?

I'm the guy just off the road,

kind of tired... For role playing.

Okay, okay. Let's just go up to the bedroom.

All right. That's a role I like.

I complain, you fold. I'm home.

W-Wow.

What -- what happened?

Looks like Martha Stewart exploded.

I-I changed a few things.

What -- what do you really think?

[ Chuckling ] Great.

The only thing better than "home, sweet home,"

is "home, sweet where the hell am I?"

**

-- captions by vitac --

I know it's a little different,

but I just think it's so pretty this way.

That's the same argument you used for Caitlyn jenner.

Come on, come on. This place was so dark and drab.

It was like a cigar lounge.

Yeah, with a bed and a gorgeous woman in it.

I was living the dream.

Well, imagine how much better that dream could be

if that gorgeous woman was really, really happy.

The dream really wasn't about her.

[ Door closes ]

Mandy: Dad! We're back! Where are you?!

What did you do? Send them away for, like, two minutes?

I'm not that excited to see you.

You know, in New York, this kitchen would be --

I know! An entire apartment.

You also saw Nathan Lane at taco bell. Whoopee.

Oh, I saw whoopi, too.

You've been back for two weeks.

I'm so tired of hearing about your stupid summer in New York.

You know, what's tiring?

A five-story walk-up with no doorman. Oy.

Mike: Where are my girls?

Hey! Dad!

Welcome back.

Good to see you.

Mnh. You know,

if we lived in the village I just spent time in,

you'd already be grandmothers, and I'd be swimming in goats.

Well, safer than swimming in the Hudson, am I right?

Almost never.

Mandy has gone insane for New York.

Mm, and vice-a versa. That's a New York expression.

Well, I got a New York hand gesture for you.

You should have seen me, dad. I crushed my internship!

I marched right into Donna karan's office,

and I told her she needed to know who I was.

I'm proud of you.

Last two weeks, I worked right under her.

So, her office was above a strip club?

Why are you so mean to her?

And why do you set her up like that?

Hey.

Whoa. What are you wearing?

And why is your neck all red?

Ugh.

So, did you girls pick up some food?

Yeah, we were gonna get groceries,

but the store was crazy

'cause they'd announced a tornado watch.

Ooh. Fashion idea. A tornado watch.

Silver lining -- we were forced to get ribs.

Ah, last time I had ribs, we buried a pig for six days.

You know, it's supposed to be six hours.

We were so drunk, we forgot where we buried it.

Best food in the world -- pizza.

But Denver doesn't have pizza. Not real pizza.

Or bagels. Or theater. [ Chuckles ] Or a giant mayor.

We don't anything good here.

Yes, we need more bums and crime.

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Will you girls give it a rest?

This has been nonstop since Mandy got home.

I'm sorry, honey. I wanted everything to be nice for you.

So, between the girls and the bedroom, you're 0-2.

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Oh, gee, Mike.

You gonna blame the weather on me, too?

You know, it was sunny when I left.

I'm gonna call ed, see how the store's doing.

Welcome home, Mikey.

It's great to be home, ed.

Mandy: Hey! I'm walking here!

Oh, god! Nobody says that indoors!

Why don't we talk about something else?

This storm is really getting intense.

What's it like at the store?

Oh, don't worry about the store, Mikey.

Outdoor man will be safe

as long as ed alzate is drawing breath.

So, we're good till the end of the week.

[ Chuckles ]

Listen, if you need me, I'm right here, okay?

I'll tell you what we need.

People were crazy for those vlogs you sent from the road.

You know, I'd -- I'd love to get one that talks about

what it's like to be home.

Ugh, stop telling me to fugeddaboudit!

When do I get to go on the road, again?

[ Chuckles ] Come on, Mike.

After roughing it for two months,

you could tell people what it's like to sleep in your own bed.

Uh, no, I can't.

But that's a whole nother story.

Tell you what. I will do that vlog.

There you go. All right. It sounds like a winner.

[ Laughs ] I'm laughing already.

**

Kristin, your dad is home safe.

Oh, great. Great.

Yeah, mom said not to come over for the first couple of hours.

[ Shuddering ] Ugh.

Wait a minute. I thought you and Ryan

were going on your honeymoon this week.

Yeah. Yeah.

I, uh -- I postponed that.

Again? You know,

I hate to lose you for a week,

but it is your honeymoon.

I know.

And this is gonna sound terrible, but...

You had an affair.

What? No.

Ryan had an affair.

No.

Well, times have changed.

No, Ryan and I are great.

It's just running the restaurant has been amazing for me.

For the first time since I got pregnant in high school,

I feel like I am fulfilling my potential.

Mm-hmm.

I like that feeling. Am I crazy?

Well, let me answer your question with a question.

You are not crazy.

And we've talked about this before --

how people like you, me, and your dad --

we're building something.

We're not just punching a clock.

All right?

Your mom gets that. Wendi gets that.

I think Ryan gets that, too.

Yeah, he didn't seem to mind.

He actually used our plane tickets

to take Boyd to visit his dad.

There you go.

Thanks, ed.

You're welcome.

That boy's a lucky kid.

My dad never took me on his honeymoon.

"Great to be home" vlog, take one.

Mike Baxter here for outdoor man.

Ever heard the words trophic cascade?

That's when the magnificent animal

at the top of the food chain disappears for a while.

It could be a wolf

or a handsome, bearded marketing genius.

But in his absence, the whole ecosystem goes nuts.

Deer populations explode, foliage is stripped bare,

and the she-wolf has a field day at bed bath & beyond.

And I mean way, way beyond.

Flowers in a wolf's den?

Come on.

Please. Somebody tell me what the heck this thing is.

Even the guy at bed bath & beyond

had no idea what it was.

Cost 11 bucks.

Guess what -- made in China.

But you know what? It doesn't matter,

because when the wolf comes back, he fixes things.

I've decided that next year,

I'm gonna spend a lot more time on the road,

even though every time I come back,

they'll be a trophic cascade of things to fix.

But it's okay, because I'm a wolf.

Hey, honey.

You know what you're never gonna fix?

This room. It's gonna stay like this forever.

"Great to be home" vlog, take two.

[ Wind rushing ]

Hey, honey, honey, honey.

Honey, honey, stop for a minute.

I wasn't making fun of your bedroom.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, a little bit.

I-I really didn't mean it.

Hmm?

Okay, a little bit.

You know, Mike, it -- it's fine.

I-I don't expect you to care about my feelings.

Oh, stop. Don't be passive-aggressive,

or, as the French call it, war.

[ Scoffs ]

I'm not being passive-aggressive.

Yes, you are. You know what?

When you go back on the road

and I redecorate your den,

that will be passive-aggressive.

Mandy: I'm gonna kill you!

Eve: I don't get what the big deal is!

Oh, great. More angry women.

Mom!

Eve used this dress that I made in New York

to clean the bathroom!

Eve, why would you do that?

I thought it was a rag.

It's tiny and ugly, just like Mandy.

Eve!

That's really out of line.

What's going on between you two?

Nothing. Mandy just sucks.

You suck!

Stop this!

Way to fix the ecosystem, wolf.

Hey, dad.

Welcome home. [ Chuckles ]

Thought I'd see you tonight.

Oh, yeah. No. They raised the tornado watch to a warning,

so ed closed the store.

It's getting really dangerous out there.

It's not that safe in here, either.

[ Sirens blaring ]

Oh, my god. Did we win something?

Yeah. Go outside and look for a big funnel-shaped cloud.

Your prize is in there.

The only place we're going is down to the shelter.

Let's just pretend we want to survive this thing.

**

[ siren blaring, wind rushing ]

All right. Everyone's gone.

Good. Now, you go, too.

What about you, sir?

No, I'm staying.

I've got to take care of the store.

Tornadoes are dangerous.

I saw this documentary about this house in Kansas

with this girl and her little dog inside

that got completely picked up by a tornado.

Although, interesting fact -- that's where color comes from.

If he only had a brain.

All right, Kyle. Get the hell out of here.

Go ahead. I'm not leaving you.

Why not? Everyone else has.

In their defense, you did tell them to go home, sir.

Is everything okay, Mr. Alzate?

It's wendi.

I'm sure she's safe, right?

You said she's visiting her sister.

Yes, she is, but she's not coming back.

She just called and said she's leaving me.

W-Why? What happened?

Well, I don't want to talk about it.

She said that all I care about is the store.

I'm sure she didn't mean that.

She probably just found somebody she likes better.

You're not very good in these situations, are you, son?

Look, look, outdoor man is all I have left.

If it goes down, I'm going down with it.

Or up, as the case may be.

**

So, how was New York?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[ Sighs ] Oh, hey. How did dad like the bedroom?

Uh, no, no, no, no, no.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Are we safe in here?

It doesn't feel very safe.

It hasn't felt safe since I got home.

And I think it's about time that I got things back to normal.

Your father thinks he's a wolf, girls.

This is a shelter, right?

That's what a family is supposed to feel like.

You're supposed to feel safe.

You know, safe enough to tell each other what's bothering you

without judgment and a minimal amount of snarkiness.

Why don't I try?

Honey, I think I know

why you redecorated our bedroom.

Oh, good. I love it when you tell me why I do things.

You walked into the bedroom, it reminded you of me, and...

You found yourself being kind of scared.

Of what? Mahogany and leather?

No, about me getting hurt on the road.

Honey, I got over that years ago.

I am 100% not scared for your safety.

[ Tablet chimes ]

Um, dad. Kyle just texted.

Ed is on the roof of outdoor man and won't leave.

And Kyle won't leave without him.

This is terrible.

Kyle's supposed to die saving my life.

Damn it, damn it.

Wait. You're -- you're going out there?

Yeah. Kyle and ed are on the top of a building

in the middle of a storm.

A little short on leadership at this point.

Dad, be careful.

I'm not worried. Your mom's not worried, right?

That's right. Happy tornado.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Okay, now i'm a little worried.

[ Sighs ] I can't get through to your dad.

The Wi-Fi is out. We're not gonna get a signal down here.

There's got to be something we can do.

Let's just call dad and ask him.

Ohh.

Ugh, your dad was right.

I should have just told him what was bothering me

instead of arguing about the stupid bedroom.

Wait, what is bothering you, mom?

[ Sighs ] Well, it's -- it's been a strange summer.

Oh, my god. You had an affair?

What?! No. No. [ Chuckles ] No.

Oh, you got to stop hanging around ed.

No, it was the week that Eve was at junior RotC camp

and Mandy was off conquering New York.

Nice. You had the house to yourself.

Yeah. It was awful.

Yeah, I realized that that's what it's gonna be like

in a year when you girls are gone.

But you know the one thing that made it all okay?

Please don't say "wine."

No. I knew that I would always have your dad here with me.

But then today, I'm up in the bedroom,

and I-I hear him say he's going back on the road.

And...that made me feel more alone than when he was gone.

'Cause I guess --

I guess we just -- we don't want the same thing.

You need to say that to dad.

That's what he was trying to tell us down here.

We all need to be honest with each other.

Oh.

Oh, crap.

Um, I have something I think I need to say.

I may have slightly exaggerated my success in New York.

How slightly?

Completely slightly.

I thought you made a big impression on Donna karan.

I did. She thinks I'm nuts.

Um, I marched into her office

and told her she needed to get to know me,

and she called security,

and I got thrown out of the program.

So, for the last two weeks, I just hid in my apartment,

trying to fugeddaboudit.

I guess dad was right.

I do feel better telling everybody the truth.

Yeah, finally.

What?

I knew what happened in New York.

Kyle told me because he wanted me to be nicer to you.

It didn't work.

You're the worst!

No, you're the worst for not telling me!

Just because I make fun of you

doesn't mean I wouldn't be there for you if you really needed me.

And I need to know that I can come to you

if anything goes wrong in my life because we're sisters

and I love you, you idiot.

I love you, too, you monster.

Listen, I don't care what Donna karan thinks.

You are awesome.

And you are all right, too.

Come here.

Okay. It's a-a little weird with the lights on.

Mom, what's wrong?

Well, this is awful.

Now everybody feels better but me!

[ Tablet chimes ]

[ Gasps ] It's Kyle! We're saved!

Words that have never been said before.

Let me see. Let me see that.

Kyle? Kyle, listen, is Mike there?

I need to talk to him.

Kyle: Uh, yeah. Yeah, he just got here. Look.

Oh, uh-oh.

W-What's the matter?

This isn't good.

Ed! Ed!

What the hell you guys doing up here?

Trying to save the store!

Who needs wendi?

The store won't dump you just because

you're emotionally distant and incapable of affection!

Yeah, Kyle told me about wendi. I'm sorry about that.

But what do you say we go inside to talk about it

where we're not worried about getting hit by a flying cow?

What can a storm do to me that life hasn't already done?

Kill you. Come on, ed.

Mr. Baxter, you've got a phone call.

Kind of busy right now, Kyle.

Get out of here, Mike! You've got people who love you!

Mike, honey, are you all right?

Can we talk about this in, like, five minutes?

Hi, dad!

Hey, Eve.

You might want to hang up.

Imagine the roaming fees if I got picked up by a tornado.

Oh. Like that one?

Whoa.

Ed, ed, ed. Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.

The store is important,

but it's not the skylight or the walls or the merchandise.

It's the people, ed.

Yes, the people. Can I -- can I just say something?

I got something going on here, honey.

It's the people that care about you that are important, ed.

It's not the building, but the people in the building.

As long as we stay together, right?

As long as we stay together -- wait a minute.

That's what this is about.

You're not really worried about me at all, are you?

You just don't want me going on the road.

You want us to be together.

Yes, honey. I don't want you to choose that over me.

I would never choose that over you.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Do you want to kiss her?

Mike, I feel like I'm losing your focus.

You have family, too -- everybody in the store

that cares about you -- Kyle, myself,

even skip in the loading dock.

I fired skip.

Forget about skip.

Kyle and I are on the roof with you in the path of a tornado.

We care about you!

And I care about you, too.

So, what are we doing on the roof?

I got to get my family out of here.

Come on. Let's go. Come on.

I had one more speech in me,

and then I was gonna hit him with the hammer

and drag him inside.

Get in here.

Wow.

We were lucky.

Yeah.

None of the shirazis' ugly Greek statues

blew into our yard.

Yeah.

And Mr. Alzate and I didn't die.

Kristin, I'm gonna revise

that advice I gave you on the honeymoon before, huh? Yeah.

I just called Ryan.

Told him we are going as soon as he gets back.

Good.

You don't want to get caught on a roof

throwing rocks at a storm, right?

It happened before you got there.

It's about balance, ed.

Work is important,

but you want it to get in the way of family.

Yeah, 'cause like dad taught us,

family is the bomb... Shelter.

Boom! Still got it.

Boom. Never had it.

Ah.

Cannot hurt my feelings because you told me you love me.

Mm.

Well, Mandy and Eve worked things out.

Hmm. Well, the wolf says you're welcome.

Okay.

But I want to talk about the decorations in the bedroom.

Oh, no, no, honey, it was just a little project.

There was no big thinking behind it.

Clearly.

I don't care what the bedroom looks like

as long as we're in it together.

Right. Right. That's what I was thinking. Yeah.

I think we should take another closer look at it,

just you and me, together.

I think you are right.

Girls, why don't you go get us some food?

We already got some.

Get some more!

Okay. Uh, Kyle, can you drive?

No, I don't think so.

I want to take a look at that bedroom.

**