All language subtitles for Archer_S14E08_Breaking Fabian.en.closedcaptions

[bell jingles]

Uh, name?

[customers screaming]

[Cyril] Oh, my God.

Well that's a… [sighs]
…grim way to start the morning.

With coffee? Seems normal.

With watching an assassination.

Technically, we don't know
that it was an assassination.

A drone shot a man in the head!

Which makes it an execution, Cyril.

It's only an assassination
if he was famous.

Conner Fairchild.
Former low-level security guard at IIA.

Ugh, he was always rude to me.

Well, who can't come in the commissary
without their badge now, Mr. Conner?

Is that too dark?

Conner is one of a dozen
former IIA employees

to be killed by drones
in the last 24 hours.

My memory is a little hazy--

Probably from all the concussions.

-And drinking.
-And elderly dementia.

My memory is a little hazy,
but didn't we beat IIA?

Yes, the organization was dismantled.

But until now, most of
the employees survived, including us.

Technically, I was never an employee.

I always fill out my start paperwork
incorrectly, so I don't have to pay taxes.

You know that's not how taxes work, right?

All I know is I haven't paid taxes
in 20 years or gone to the dentist.

My point is, someone has
a grudge against ex-IIA employees.

We need to figure out who that is
and stop them.

And until then,
we keep our heads on a swivel.

Hmm.

Hmm?

O-- Okay, don't shoot the messenger.

That's the drone's job.

But while I was secretly temping at IIA--

-[coughs] Double agent.
-Bless you.

Fabian asked me to place an order for…

[stammers] …let's call it
5,000 weaponized smart drones.

What?

[chuckling] We don't know
that it's related.

But y'all, it's probably related.

Oh, my God. I do not have time for this.

The UN is holding hearings today
on private spy agencies,

and I've gotta make a presentation
about all the good work that we've done.

Ooh, I wouldn't show them these videos.

We need to make sure
there are no new videos.

And it seems like there's only one person
who could help us sort this out.

The dead barista?

Well, well, well,
look what the cat vomited up.

Um, that's not how that goes.

Idiot.

Sterling Archer, you look old.

And you look imprisoned.

Is that a squash court?

What kind of prison is this?

Uh, Swiss.

Remind me to get in prison
for war crimes in Switzerland.

I mean, if I commit war crimes,
which I won't.

Can we make this fast?

We can only reserve
the courts for an hour.

I don't believe we've met.

Zara Khan. Formerly Interpol.
Currently top agent at The Agency.

-[chuckling] What? Says who?
-My achievements, dumbass.

Can we focus?

Any reason why drones might be
murdering everybody who worked for IIA?

What? Oh. No-fault severance.

Should I punch you before
or after you explain what that means?

At IIA, whenever we needed to cut ties
with a troublesome employee,

we'd check a little box in their file
called "no-fault severance"

and pop, out flew a drone.

Whatever second-rate government bureaucrat

that's now liquidating IIA must--

-[grunts]
-Ow!

I got tired of waiting.
But also, how do we turn them off?

You can't.

The drones are controlled by
an automated facility in Liechtenstein,

and I'm the only one with access.

Great. You're coming with us.

One, not your call. Two, no, he's not.
Three, what achievements, Zara?

I'm afraid you won't get past
the fingerprint scanner without me.

We will if I cut off your hands.

-Well, there's also a retinal scanner.
-And your eye.

And the voice identification.

And your vocal cords.

At a certain point, bringing him seems
easier than bringing all these pieces.

We'll put them in a bag.

I'm happy to help
without being dismembered.

As a former IIA employee,
I'm a drone target myself.

And I'd prefer to enjoy my daily bike ride
without being gunned down from the sky.

Daily bike ride?

How the hell is your prison life
better than my free life?

We still have to break him out.

This is a Swiss prison.

Anyone with Interpol ID
can sign me out for the weekend.

Well, God bless Swiss prisons.

Best in the world. They really focus on
rehabilitating the whole person, you know?

What is this?

Insurance. This stays on
until you're back in prison.

The whole mission?
What if you gotta take a leak?

-We'll hold it.
-A wise precaution, but will it be enough?

Even now, an army of IIA loyalists
is no doubt working to secure my freedom.

-Hmm. In that case…
-[handcuffs ratchet]

I immediately have to pee.

[drone whirring]

Damn it. [sighs] Window seat.

Pam, go across the aisle.

No. I'm not taking the window seat
with killer drones on the loose.

Also, I still have to pee.

Maybe you should have thought about this

before you handcuffed yourself
to two people.

Don't tell me what
I should have thought of.

But, yeah, maybe.

If it's any consolation,
we won't be on the train long.

You seriously think
people are coming to help you?

Why wouldn't they?

Yeah, I-- You know,
you weren't the world's greatest boss.

What with ratting out a lot of people
on your way to prison

and now sending drones to kill 'em.

Eh, not great.

The board sent those drones.
And I only ratted as necessary.

You can fight about it
while I'm in the john.

-Where's the handcuff key?
-Oh, I don't have one.

-What? Why?
-I'm committing to the method, Pam.

The first thing a rescuer will ask for
is a handcuff key.

Or a bone saw.

No one carries those around.

Fine. I guess we're all going
to the bathroom.

Oh, God. No.

I'm not happy about it either.

Hey, order us drinks. Lots of drinks.

So, what looks good?

[Lana] Ugh, I really don't care.

Well, I do.

It's my first time
talking to the United Nations,

or-or is it before the United Nations?

Do we address the nations?
Oh, my God. Lana.

Just let me do the talking, okay?
And relax, all right?

The UN never actually does anything.

I mean these people are
total idiots. [laughs]

Do you need to turn this on or--

It's already on.

Hello, nations. [breathes shakily]

Nope, that feels wrong. [sighs]

[Pam] I'm trying my best, you dicks.

I don't think these bathrooms
were designed

for three people handcuffed together.

Yeah, and I don't think sarcasm
makes this process faster. Are you done?

-[Pam groans]
-[Fabian screams]

-[Pam] I haven't even started yet.
-What?

Tell this guy to stop
peeking through the crack.

I can't help where my head is
based on where my arms are.

Whatever you're doing in there,
I promise there's an easier way.

-[Pam] How's this way? [grunts]
-[groans]

Huh, are we slowing down?

[chuckles] Yes. It's the end of the line.

Carlotta, my loyal number two,

come to my unnecessary
but grateful res-- [groans]

Someone's in here.

-We gotta get out of here.
-After Pamela washes her hands.

I didn't touch anything.

Carlotta, watch your fire!

She's shooting at you, moron!
Come on! [grunts]

[groans] What's the problem?

I'm not leaving.

-You got three seconds, asshole.
-And I'm shooting your elbow in one!

Okay, okay.

-Carlotta, they're trying to-- [grunts]
-[grunts]

[all grunt]

[all scream, grunt]

[Archer groans] You're welcome.

-For what?
-For rescuing you.

They were rescuing me.

What? They were trying to kill you.

Says the man who pulled me out
of a moving train!

-Well… [grunts] …you're alive, aren't you?
-[groans]

Guys, I don't think this tree is--

[all scream, grunt]

Nope, it's not.

They were obviously
trying to assassinate you.

What possible reason
would my employees have to kill me?

I think we're clear for now.

Uh, how about you made
their lives miserable, and they hate you?

The brightest emerald
is forged in the hardest granite.

Hey, can we focus on the real problem?

Being lost in the woods?

Hmm. The ex-IIA hit squad coming for us?

The drones?

-Oh, right.
-Yeah, and if that hit squad--

Aka Rescue Squad.

Aka you're delusional!

If the hit squad kills Fabian,
he can't deactivate the drones,

and they'll kill all of us.

So by the transitive property,
you must keep me alive.

That's not the transitive property.
It's a contrapositive conditional.

Well, on the bright side, Ray and Zara
are probably already coming for us.

[Ray] Oh, my God.

Look at those mountains.

-[Zara gulps]
-Um, Zara.

[exhales sharply]
The drinks on this train are free.

I got one for you, but then I drank it.
These are for me.

Hey, whenever y'all are done whispering
and pointing at shit,

can you bring me a mimosa?

[crashing]

Um, where are they going?

[Pam] To Liechtenstein.

We're walking to another country?

Unless you have a better idea.

Uh, yeah. Let the drones kill us.

I have an even better idea.

I defeat you in unarmed combat
and reunite with my cadre of faithfuls.

Get your hand off my wrist.

I believe the parlance is,
"Compel me, Brother."

-[Archer, Fabian grunt]
-Can you not while I'm attached to you?

-Ow!
-[whirring]

[grunts]

Any chance that's
a totally unrelated drone?

I mean, some?

Run!

[all scream]

[all grunt]

Can we please stop falling off things?

Oh, boy. They're coming.

Fabian, I hope you can hold your breath
for three minutes

because that's how long
I'm holding you underwater!

That won't work, I'm afraid.

These drones are top-of-the-line.

They cannot be fooled by water
or darkness or disguise.

They are relentless and unbamboozleable.

Maybe use a less silly word
for the drones coming to kill us.

Screw the words. What do we do?

Make peace with the god you choose,
for the day of judgment is at hand.

[chuckles] We're alive.

Uh, although I guess
this could also be hell.

What just happened?

My guess, Ray bought shitty drones
that couldn't detect us through the mud.

But he spent the entire drone budget.

Ah, what they don't know
can't kill 'em won't kill 'em.

More daiquiri, Mr. Gillette?

What do you think, dummy?

Oy! More of these and these
and some crisps, yeah?

For me and those snobs across the aisle
who clearly think they're better than me.

And how long does it take three people
handcuffed together to use the bathroom?

[Cyril] Um… [sighs]
…this doesn't feel administrative.

[Lana] Secretary General Hernandez.
A pleasure as always.

[clears throat]
I wish I could say the same.

Yeah. What's the deal here, guys?

I thought this was basically
a meet and greet.

This is a disciplinary hearing
to determine if independent spy agencies

will be allowed to continue operating
on the global stage.

What? And you're telling me now?

I told your secretary.

[Cheryl] Uh, I'm an office administrator.

Cheryl, what are you doing here?

I'm a surprise witness.

A surprise witness for what?

The United Nations.
We're in their house, silly.

So, the surprise is against us?

Well, they offered me immunity.

Immunity from what?
We haven't done anything wrong.

-Well…
-Nothing legally wrong.

Oh, my God. Lana, when someone
offers you immunity, you take it.

[chuckles]

And all I had to do was tell 'em
all the bad things we ever did ever.

-Shall we begin?
-[Archer] No.

-[Pam] No?
-[Archer] No.

You already had your chance
to pee on the train.

A chance to pee with the door open
that got interrupted by a gunfight.

More than some people get.

Do those people also have to hold it
while falling out of a moving train

and then slogging through a river covered
in mud that they can't clean off

or a cheap ass drone
will come and kill 'em?

I also have to pee.

Don't worry. You'll be peeing very soon.

Carlotta, thank goodness.

Tell my friends you're here
to rescue me and then kill them.

Rescue? I'm here to kill you.

You… them?

You as in you, you pompous, abusive,
culturally ambiguous middle manager.

Middle manager? I led the company.

That's what you got from that?
Jesus. This is why everyone hates you.

Carlotta, I assure you, I did my best.

Anything you disagreed with,
that was the board.

There was no board!

You just made them up to have someone
to blame for all your bad choices.

Wow. That's actually a good idea.

Technically, the board did exist
for a week,

and then I had them killed.

Tell them I say hello.

Wait. He's the only one who can stop
the drones that are coming to kill us all.

I'll take that risk.

-[Archer, Fabian grunt]
-Ow!

-Goddamn it!
-Sorry.

[grunts]

[whirring]

Take it down.

[grunts] What the hell, Archer?

Sorry, it was instinct.

To save me?

God, no. To save the mission.

Um, guys, do I have as little mud
on my face as you do on yours?

How could I possibly make that comparison?

Go!

[all scream]

Okay. State your name for the record.

Uh, pass.

-What?
-I just prefer not to. You understand.

I don't.

Well, the surprise witness
is surprising the surprisers.

No one at the office is answering.
We are not ready for this.

Lana, our record speaks for itself.

We do good in the world,
and Cheryl is wearing them down.

State your name for the record.

Let's just move on to the evidence.

Can you confirm that this is
the work of The Agency?

[Cheryl] Yep. Uh-huh.

Uh, probably?

[chuckles] Yeah.

In our defense that was full of hydrogen.

Oh, God. I was wrong about our record.
[crying] We're monsters.

-Can you not?
-[Pam] Not what?

Pam, can you not look at me
while we're doing this?

You choose the handcuffs… [chuckling]
…I chose where I look. Boi-oi-oing.

They all hate me.
After everything I did for them.

[chuckling] Okay. On the bright side,
we made it to Liechtenstein.

Pants up and never speak of this on three.

-One, two… [straining] …three.
-[grunts]

Hey, I hear cars that way.
We can find a ride.

-[grunts] Seriously? We're almost there.
-[grunts]

What are you doing, Fabian?

I'm giving up. Let the drones take me.

For what is life without
the respect of my peers?

Hey, bud. You have my respect.

I don't really care about that.

You have my respect, Fabian.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Uh, you know, I still hate you,
but you're a semi-worthy adversary.

I feel the same way.

In spite of everything,
we're not so different.

No, I didn't say that.
We're very, very different.

You handcuffed us together
so we could bond.

Two lone wolves learning to survive
as a pack. [imitates wolf]

Hmm. I'm coming around to death by drone.

Oh, shit. I hear something else
coming around.

[Archer] Ha ha. Found our ride.

You mean the guys that want to kill us?

I have an idea.

[muffled grunting]

-[Fabian] You've been got. [grunts]
-[Archer grunts]

[chuckles] Damn, dude.
That just popped right off.

Why was his neck so weak?

More importantly,
how are we all fitting on this thing?

-Hang on.
-It's a short drive.

[grunts] It better be.

Oh, God. Crows are picking at the head.

[retches]

I forgive you, friend.

Great. 'Cause I'm about to do it again.

[retching]

Champagne to go.

I mean, who does that?
Switzerland does it.

Can you believe the others
spent the entire ride in the toilet?

I did until a second ago.

-We're close.
-How close?

-Time or distance?
-Will we die before we get there?

That depends on one thing,
the intimacy of our friendship.

Can you not say stuff like that
while we're penis to penis?

Just say nose to nose.

-[grunts]
-[grunts]

I was born to an Albanian seamstress.
It was a breech birth.

For my fifth birthday,
I was gifted a kitten by my uncle

but gave it up upon discovering
a mild allergy.

-What the hell are you doing?
-Bonding by sharing traumas.

You call those traumas?
I never knew my father.

My mother started me drinking at eight
to keep me quiet.

I lost my virginity and my dog
to a Brazilian au pair.

My archrival killed, and later dated,
my one true love.

Thank you for sharing. I see you.

I wasn't connecting. I was one-upping.

Damn it. Probably shouldn't have
handcuffed my gun hand.

I can help. Give me a gun.

Better idea, I'll just shoot myself
in the face and cut out the middleman.

Sterling, trust me.

We're all about to die.
Just give him the damn gun.

[grunts]

Bang, bang.

Just kidding, my friend. [grunts]

[grunts]

-I'm out.
-We're here.

Brake!

[Fabian] Oh, dear God.

What is happening
with necks in this country?

We've got bigger problems.
Specifically, lots of smaller problems.

Are those…

The good drones.

[Archer, Fabian grunt]

Well, if I have to die,
I'm glad it's next to friends.

Stop making this something it's not.

-[whirring]
-Goddamn it. Who buys a drone with knives?

The same person with two thumbs
and no more champagne.

This guy.

I am still drunk from the train.

-Get inside and deactivate these fuckers.
-[Cyril] Not cool.

Excuse me?

What are you doing?

Speaking truth to power.
And the truth is, this isn't cool.

You called us in here for an ambush.

Mr. Figgis, this is
a fact-finding meeting, and--

[chuckling] No. [stammers]
With a quorum of member states

as required to adopt a resolution per
the UN rules of procedure?

That's what I thought.

You're grandstanding.
You already know what you plan to do.

But guess what? We're The Agency.

We're used to ambushes,
and bad odds, and terrible situations.

[grunts]

-[Cyril] That's where we thrive.
-[shrieks]

[Cyril] Because we're not just
the front lines, we're a step beyond that.

If we do our job right,
there never is a front line.

So you can look at this screen
and see our failure, sure.

What the--

But the world you're living in,
the world you're living in right now,

that is our success.

-[explosion]
-[shrieks]

I tried. Your turn.

I don't have a gun.

You can't shoot me.
I never filled out my starting paperwork.

-[screams]
-[grunts]

[shrieks]

You're welcome.

What the hell happened?

The door only allows one person
through at a time.

Getting pretty drone-y out here.

How do I deactivate the drones?

You can't. Not without
my handprint for the scanner.

We almost made it all the way.
Didn't we, friend?

I-I couldn't have made it
this far without you.

But I've got it from here, friend.

-[shouts]
-Ow! What the shit?

Thanks for the hand, friend. [laughs]

[computer] Protocol deactivated.

So, how we all feeling?

[Archer] Better than Fabian.

Can you believe he doesn't
want to be friends anymore?

You cut off his hand.

For a good cause,
and I gave it back to him.

After you shot him the bird with it.

That was Zara's idea… [chuckling]
…and it was hilarious.

Thanks. It's not my first dismemberment.

Going forward, no more cutting off hands
and taunting people with them.

The UN came after us today,
but we really dodged a bullet

by saving them from bullets.

I just wanna say I was only
siding with the UN for immunity.

Yeah, you told us. [sighs]

Oh, no. Uh, guys.

In light of recent events,

it is with overwhelming support
from our member nations

that this council votes

to declare all private,
independent spy agencies illegal.

They will be given 30 days to disband.

[all gasp]

Is that 30 calendar days or business days?

[sighs] Goddamn it.