All language subtitles for Archer_S14E07_Mission Out of Control Room.en.closedcaptions

[Lana] Brand-new computers,
top-of-the-line hacking capabilities,

high-def monitors,
simultaneous audiovisual communications,

and tracking field agents from location
to pulse rate.

And this sends an
electromagnetic pulse to stop their heart.

No, it doesn't.

[groans] Then why do we even have
this thing?

Now, sure, this setup cost as
much as a small European village.

[scoffs] I own way too many of those.

But this is how I can finally have control
over missions while they happen.

No more chaos.

No more agents not listening because
I'll be in their ear the entire time.

Pretending to be the ghost of their
uncle and slowly driving them mad. Smart.

That's not what I'm doing here.

All I want is an end to the insane
collateral damage we cause

that eats up our profits
and makes us the butt of everyone's jokes.

Did you hear the one about how we…

[laughs]
…get sent on idiot-proof missions?

[laughing] We just become better idiots?

Yeah,
'cause I screamed it at you yesterday.

Right. Wait, that was you?

But all that changes now.

If this mission goes perfectly,
it'll show everyone

we are one of the best agencies
in the world.

Six agents, three countries, one mission:

to shut down the international online
black market Dragon Run.

Holy shit. It's online?

The Dragon Run system is programmed
to delete itself

if any of the mainframes get hacked.

So our agents need to simultaneously
insert the malware drives,

which will upload the criminal data
to our servers.

And, oh, man, that sweet Interpol bounty
will be huge.

And I am the conductor
of this perfect symphony.

At what point in that sentence
did it get sexual for you?

Look, our agents may be out there,

but the real battlefield is in here
where I face the dogs of chaos

and bring them to heel.

[typing]

[clears throat] Bring them to heel.

And I brought a giant party sub
for everyone!

[people in control room cheering]

[sighs]

All right, everyone.

We'll be tracking you on your body cams
to lead you through each of your missions

and get you to your respective
Dragon Run mainframes.

Make sure to keep comms open so--

What the hell is she doing? Hello?
Lana? You saying something? Hello?

What is happening, Greg?

Sorry, you were on mute, but not anymore.

I think this equipment is so new
and we didn't really get any training.

Can team leaders confirm
everything is ready?

All right. First, Team Ballsfor.

Oh, God, Pam.
I'm not gonna say "What's Ballsfor?"

For slapping your chin, dummy.

I said I wasn't gonna say it.

Well, Team Ballsfor is outside
the warehouse and prepping.

Has my objection to team leader choice
been noted?

Yes, I have your objection right here
in my notes.

"Ray whines about some bullshit."

It's not-- [grunts] I have seniority.

Counterpoint: these guns. Papow!

I have bionic legs.
I could kick a hole right through you.

Ray, it's no big deal.

You're infiltrating a Japanese warehouse
and Pam speaks Japanese.

Her being team leader
works for the mission.

That's not a real reason.

It's not like Zara or Krieger
speak Spanish,

but they're rappelling
into a Mexican cave.

I don't think caves speak Spanish
unless you count the echoes.

Hate to be pedantic,
but I speak Spanish fluently.

And we're not actually rappelling into
a cave but into a Mexican cenote.

Well, it sounds like you love
being pedantic.

And it sounds like you love being
a whiny little bitch.

Damn, she nailed you.

Can the teams not communicate
with each other

via the comms to avoid cross talk?

And can we check in with
Team Stiletto? Seriously?

What's wrong with Stiletto?

They're sexy and anyone
can pull them off. Lord knows I can.

Turns out Krieger and I both like to
carry them with us at all times.

[Lana] You're talking about
the stiletto dagger, right?

Yes, but we also like to confuse people
with homonyms.

Love a good homonym.

-[laughs] Words!
-Words!

Don't love that new friendship,
but it works for the mission.

According to the schematics, you need to
follow the pipes to the back entrance

of the server farm.

And is it normal to keep a bunch of tech
suspiciously close to water?

It is if you wanna have a shocking amount
of fun.

The water is used as coolant.

Krieger just needs to hook his computer up
to the mainframe and shut it down.

Huh, this is actually a good plan. It's
exciting to be impressed by something.

Maybe for once, I don't have to worry
about this team getting me killed.

Um, I think you mean me saving you
from getting killed.

The only thing you're saving me from
is sexual attraction at work.

Once again, no cross talk, please.

Fine. Team Team Names Are Stupid
checking in with two questions.

One, leaving me until last
is completely disrespectful.

[Lana] Not a question.

Two, why did everyone get someone
mildly useful except for me?

[Lana] And you know why.

-Hey.
-Yes, Cyril. Hello. I know you're here.

I meant "hey," as in, you're insulting me.

Wouldn't it be more surprising
if we stopped?

Well, Archer, maybe if you hadn't almost
killed us on our last mission…

[scoffs] L-Let's remember.
I saved someone too.

Like who?

Myself from boredom by blowing off
the mission

and going to the
National Mud Wrestling Championships,

which were great, but very muddy.

Which was completely off assignment.

Not to mention we traced the office
head lice breakout to you.

If it weren't for all that,
you wouldn't be in this situation.

Oh, so it's my fault
my scalp tastes delicious.

Wait, so I'm the punishment?

[Lana] No, Archer's punishment was his
mainframe location being…

[Archer groans] New Jersey.

And Cyril being on his team
was just a "screw you" bonus.

I can't believe I'm in New York's
lurching afterbirth.

I'm embarrassed we send garbage here.

Back on mission.

Dragon Run uses a distributed
container model for compute and storage.

That means we have to do this
synchronously

or the other nodes take over.

-So, Pam--
-And Ray.

And eye roll.

We tapped into the warehouse cameras

and the northeast entrance
is your best way in.

Take out the two guards and use
their badge to get in the door.

Everything is happening exactly
as it should. Just as I foresaw.

[Pam groans] Wanna try that again,
but a little less Emperor Palpatine-y?

Silence when your leader is speaking!

I mean,
that's what you were gonna say, right?

-[grunts]
-[grunts]

Yeah, we really needed Japanese for that.

Stiletto, how are we looking?

[groans] Well, I'm glad we were briefed
on the literal endless bats above us.

-It's still a bit--
-Intoxicating?

I was gonna say unsettling,
but those aren't not interchangeable.

Don't worry, the control center is using
your comms to project an ultrasonic tone

to keep the bats calm.

[Krieger] Wow, you paid extra
for the bat-calming package?

It came in a bundle
with other animal options.

Yeah. Cool, cool, cool.

Uh, you know, just curious. Uh, you got
one in there that arouses squid sexually?

[Pam] I thought you were into octopi?

Well, I'm branching out.
[gasps] Like tentacles.

Krieger, you're never touching
this machine. But yes.

Wouldn't it be a better plan
to have the ultrasound with us?

[Lana] No, controlling it from here
assures we stay on plan

without mistakes being made.

I don't like the implication
I make mistakes,

but I'll let it slide
since you're keeping the bats calm.

Yeah, because if I've learned anything
from the bats I've taxidermized,

it's that they do not like the sound of me
laughing when they're about to die.

You do taxidermy? Cool.
It's a very efficient art form.

That's what you got from that? Huh.
I am really not used to people

actually listening to the content
of what I'm saying.

Each team needs to let me know
when they hit the mainframe.

Archer, we're gonna tap into
the house security system and you can--

Just walk into the house
after breaking the lock?

Because it's just a house
in the middle of the night, Lana.

Or did you wanna deactivate the doggy door

and use your fancy radio waves
to knock out the gnomes outside?

I didn't see any gnomes.

Shh. Cyril, did you hear that?
It was you killing the joke.

The house could just be a decoy.

And remember we're aiming
for no collateral damage.

So stay alert and find the mainframe.

Yeah, we'll also try not to find
Hepatitis A, D or E,

which is basically impossible in Jersey.

This really seems like a normal house,

um, which would be bad if we just
broke into it, right?

-[Archer] Oh, my God.
-What?

I just remembered Frank Sinatra is from
New Jersey. How could that be?

Please remember that I'm monitoring you.
So stay on task in a professional manner.

[Archer] This is my professional manner.

Ms. Kane, I brought you some nourishment

so you can keep your strength up
for the big battle.

Cheryl, the whole point of all of this
is to avoid a big battle.

We can finally get off the treadmill
of mediocrity

because we won't have a huge mess
to clean up.

No, I meant the worker battle
I've been planning

for when we're done with all this.
It's to the death.

Of course it is.

Or I could find the button that can kill
on command like this one.

-[alarm blares]
-What did you do?

What was necessary.

No, something happened to one of
the agents.

Their blood pressure spiked.
They might have been shot.

Is everyone okay? Teams, check in now.

Team Ballsfor in position
with the mainframe.

Yeah, because I found it.

Yeah, congrats, Ray.
You spotted the door marked "mainframe."

Which was in English.

We're good too.
Coming up on the mainframe now.

Although we are walking a path the Mayans
once believed was a gateway

to the underworld.

So if this all ends in a sacrificial
death, we'll be honoring tradition.

Well, then whose blood pressure is--
Cyril? What the hell happened?

Oh, God, we're going to jail for life.
Oh, my God. Oh, I can't breathe.

Okay. So if the house is a decoy
and you're under fire, we can--

[Archer]
Oh, boy. We-- We're gonna need to hold.

Hold? God, Archer. What did you do?

This one isn't on me.

[Cyril whimpers]

If you guys are here to kill me,

I'd r-really appreciate you letting me
clear my browser history first.

-[groans]
-[chuckles]

Cyril, your biometrics are all over
the place. You need to calm down.

Calm down? We are grown men who just
broke into a teenage boy's bedroom

in the middle of the night.

Cyril, you didn't even do anything.

I'm the only one this kid will bring up
in therapy one day.

-Right, kid?
-I mean, yeah, probably.

-See?
-Brag much?

This is just a small hiccup.
It doesn't take us off mission.

I don't see
what you're worried about, Lana.

We pretty much usually always complete
missions successfully. Sometimes. Often.

[Zara] Wow. A lot of modifiers there.

Yeah, and we always cause a giant mess
and get all the blowback,

but not this time.

So, Cyril,
you need to calm down and focus!

This is like Cheetah Scouts
all over again.

You think it's your new start but it's
actually a portal to unimaginable horror.

Ugh, my mom is so desperate for me
to join Cheetah Scouts. [groans]

Oh, God. Oh, God. They thought I was cool
at my first Cheetah Scouts meeting

but then they found out. They found out.

Oh, wow. Cyril seems to be having
some kind of painful flashback.

Permission to mercy shoot him?

What's the holdup here?
We're in position, but someone will find

those knocked-out guards soon.

And if I were team leader,
I would've hid those bodies.

Well, pretty convenient
you're just saying that now.

Listen to me. This mission is not
falling apart. Not on my watch.

Yeah, we don't know the meaning
of the word "hubris."

Archer, can you find the mainframe while
the other teams are still in position?

Well, it's not in this room unless it
looks like the Time Life subscription

-to being a virgin.
-[Krieger] Dibs.

A virgin with a hot mom.

[Krieger] Oh, pass.

Wow. Hey, Trev. Uh, what's her deal?

[Zara] Is now the time for this?

It might be. I mean,
what if she's dating right now? Or--

For the love of God,
stop with the cross talk.

[Pam] Then why can we hear each other?

I don't know. Why can they, Greg?

Hey, listen, if you guys are here about…
[whispers] …Dragon Run,

I set up the mainframe in the basement.

Wow. A teen hacker. I read about that
in Overused Trope magazine.

Dude, it was just an after-school hobby.

Yeah. Buying and selling illegal goods
looks great on a college application.

I don't even want to be a part of it
anymore.

Oh. Did you not find a world of
ones and zeros comforting

in the face of your disgusting hormones?

Or did the girl you wanted to impress
not think it was cool?

That's not what happened.

Really? Who's your best friend?

Laura. But that's different, dude,
because I just have to stick around

long enough for her to realize
she really likes me.

-I rest my case.
-All right.

I promise I will show you to the basement
and the mainframe

if you promise not to tell my mom.
She would be so mad at me.

Oh, God, it's knot-tying all over again.
[crying]

Also, you have to promise not to date
my mom.

Um…

Oh, my God. Archer, tell him that's fine
and get down there now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lana.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

Archer, I swear to God!

And she is God.

Fine. Cyril, get the kid.

Just grabbing a kid and taking him
into a basement. Totally normal.

How long is this hold lasting?
We've got incoming guards.

You are supposed to be
on top of this, Greg!

I am?

That is what this control center
is supposed to be for!

To handle any crisis that comes up
before it becomes a disaster.

Um, speaking of crisis, none of these
photos seems to include a dad.

He, uh, died when I was a kid.

Oh, wow, tough break. I'm so sorry.

I grew up without a dad too.

Uh, unrelated, did he die from something
contagious that your mom might have?

-That's not unrelated.
-Let him answer, Cyril.

Archer, stop trying to bang his mom.

Greg, why haven't you pulled up
the warehouse cameras?

Because you didn't tell me to.

Greg, you have one job!

Oh, is it reading your mind?

[Lana] Thank you! Now we can finally--

Wait. What? What's happening?
Is this a cyberattack retaliation?

Uh, I think this is what the electrician
meant when he was all, "Blah, blah, blah.

This control center uses a lot of power.
Blah, blah, blah.

The building isn't built for it. Blah."

What? Why didn't you tell me that?

You know what electricians are like.
They'll say anything.

That is not a recognized stereotype.

Can anyone at least hear us?

The console needs a couple of minutes
to reboot but we can get audio.

[Pam grunts] Son of a bitch.

-Team Ballsfor, report.
-[Archer] Yeah. How's it hanging?

Damn it, Greg!

[Pam] Hold! We need to hold. Damn it.

-[in Japanese] Wait, wait a minute.
-[fighting sounds stop]

-Where is the restroom?
-[fighting sounds resume]

[Ray, in English]
Good thing you speak Japanese.

Okay. We need to keep everyone in position

until the control center comes back on.

Which had better be goddamn soon, Greg.

[Zara screams] God, they're everywhere!

[screams] God, the bats are everywhere!

Come on. The ultrasound turned off too?

[Zara] No shit!
I knew you people would get me killed.

How hard is it to stick to a plan? [cries]

[Krieger] The bats always said they'd get
their revenge.

Vengeance, thy name is
Tadarida brasiliensis! [screams]

[Archer] Huh. Sounds like this mission
would have been easier

without the control center at all.

No, this control center is the only thing
that is keeping this all working.

Finally! Now I can see everything that's…

[Pam grunting]

[Ray grunting]

[Krieger, Zara grunting]

…going horribly wrong! Oh, my God.
Okay, guys, I need you to listen.

[cries] We need to hold.
God, is this what hell is like?

[grunts] Pretty close.

Wait, are Archer and Cyril
actually in position?

Yes, Lana, because we didn't need that
unnecessary control center.

But I wouldn't mind the footage from this
if those photos are the closest

I'm getting to that mom.

Actually, I'll just take a photo.
Actually, I'll just sleep with her.

No! You promised.

I promised not to date her, Trevor.

For a teenager helping run a black market,
you should be more aware of treachery.

Remember this lesson.

We can use the control center
for the other agents.

Greg, turn the ultrasound back on
and then tap into the warehouse feed

to divert attention away from Ray and Pam.

-[gagging]
-H-Hey. Greg, where are you--

[employees gagging]

What-- What the hell is going on?
Why is everyone getting sick?

[employee 1 retches]

-Cheryl?
-Yes, Ms. Kane?

Where did you get that party sub?

Duh, from the party sub store.

I bought it last week and kept it under
my desk so I wouldn't forget it.

But you didn't eat any of it?

Of course not. In solidarity with you.
Plus, it smelled so weird.

[groans]

Pam, please tell me you and Ray
handled the guards.

-[Pam] Yes, but we need to hold.
-Why?

I gotta drain the clam unless the control
center can empty my bladder. Can it?

Cheryl, did you get the
ultrasonic cloaking back up

so the bats stop attacking Team Stiletto?

Yes! By which I mean "no" because I don't
know what anything you just said means!

The control panel manual
said it was user-friendly.

Where did Greg put the damn manual? Greg?

Hearing this isn't inspiring
a lot of confidence!

Please tell me you have a backup plan.

Uh-- Uh, Krieger,
do you know anything about this system?

Well, that depends.
Is it a model 27-0 or is it a model 27-Y?

[stutters] I don't know. Neither.

[Krieger] Oh, good. 'Cause I was bluffing.
I just made those up.

Um, what's going on here?

[Cyril] Mom alert. We have a hot mom
alert. Repeat. Hot mom alert.

Nice. I finished peeing, by the way.

Is Pam's bladder really top priority?

Cross talk! Cross talk! Cross talk!
[sighs] Okay, to deal with the mom.

The plan is to try to access
the home security system.

Say there was an alarm and that you're
with the--

-[Archer] Cheetah Scouts.
-Oh, my God. Archer, no!

Where's the nuclear button?

Did you say Cheetah Scouts?

Of course.
I'm your son's new Cheetah Scouts leader.

Right! And I'm his assistant scout leader.
I'm actually in charge of knots. [laughs]

Uh, but don't ask me to show you any.

Yeah. And we're here in our brand-new
black ops Cheetah Scouts uniforms

to welcome your son to Troop, uh, 333.

Right. Right.
That-- That's why they're here.

[chuckles] Nothing else weird or illegal
is happening here, Mom.

[chuckles] Or you can just not say
anything at all, kiddo.

Well, that is great.
[gasps] Oh, I'm so relieved.

When Trevor had me buy him
this fancy video game stuff,

I was afraid he'd never do anything
active again. [chuckles]

Well, Cheetah Scouts is very active.
Some might say too active.

And you don't have to say anything either,
Assistant Scout Leader Cyril.

Well, thank God you two are
in his life now.

He could really use some father figures.

Mom.

Hey, I grew up without a father,
so I get that more than anyone.

I guess you guys actually handled that,
uh, not terribly.

And they didn't need you
or the center at all.

You were totally useless.
Isn't that great?

Right. Yeah.

Well, if you two aren't busy,

any chance we could get a heads-up
the next time dozens of guards

are coming our way?

[Lana] Ray, what's going on there?

Well, team leader Pam thought it would be
a good idea to stash the guards

we knocked out in the closet.

Ray, that was your idea.

-[yells]
-[grunts] Oh, right.

It doesn't matter.

Everyone needs to get their
thumb drive in, or we'll be compromised.

[grunts] It'd be great if some attention
could be placed on getting us

-to the mainframe without bat rabies.
-You can just say rabies.

[sighs] Okay, since I clearly don't know
how to work this center

and some of you seem to be just fine
without it,

Krieger, how would you get through the
bats if you were just…

[sighs] …on your own?

Ooh, that's allowed?
Well, I'll be right back.

[electricity hums]

Oh, my God. Krieger just pulled out
this giant electric light thing.

-Oh, my God. He's going after the bats.
-[Krieger laughing]

It's brilliant!
It's like watching a ballet but,

instead of stupid dancing,
it's fighting off bats!

God, there's someone competent
at this agency and it's Krieger.

His personal backup plan is so unique
it could not have been centrally planned.

Watching this is an unforgettable moment.

Anyone who doesn't see this
has a worse life for having missed it.

It's always going to be a mess, isn't it?
I will never be able to control it.

You mean IBS? I'm afraid not.

No. No. The chaos. The collateral damage.
It's just impossible to control.

Yes, it is. But being caught
in a Sisyphean cycle,

you continue to fight against the chaos
that will ultimately prevail,

because you're worried about
the external reaction,

instead of looking at the final result
and accepting some things

cannot be controlled.

We're talking about me
and the sandwich thing, right?

You know what? Screw it.

Everyone just find your way into position.
Do whatever you need to do.

Archer, is the mom gone?

Um, yeah. You could say that.

It's so hard, you know?

They grow up
and they're out of your hands. [sighs]

As a fellow single parent,
I can tell you're doing your best.

Well, that's why I moved us to New Jersey.

And what a great choice that was.

I mean, Frank Sinatra's from New Jersey.

Sounds to me like we have a lot in common.

Whatever.
As long as one of you is in position.

Looks like I'm not the weak link
after all, huh?

Well, you basically did nothing.

And Archer being Archer
got you out of that.

[Cyril] Thank you.

Zara, did you and Krieger
make it to the mainframe?

Yeah, but only because Krieger
was so brilliant.

Lana, your plan was shit.

Especially since it held Krieger back from
doing the amazing things he needed to do.

I mean, Krieger, should we hang out more?

Only if you don't have relatives
or next of kin who'd ask questions.

Pam? Ray? Please tell me
you have everything handled over there?

Ready. And I think Ray should plug in
the drive.

Since he's joint team leader.

[Lana] Pam, no. You don't actually have
the power to make--

-Aw, Pam. You really mean it?
-I do, Ray.

Lana made me team leader
because people are still salty about you

selling out our secrets to Fabian.

But then I made it up to y'all.
Total Raydemption.

That's not how trust works.

-[Lana] Pam!
-No cross talk!

But, Ray, you having my back in that fight
really showed me that no matter what--

Resolve that shit later.
Plug in the drive in three, two--

Now! Do it now!

Team Ballsfor. Mainframe deactivated.

Team Stiletto. Mainframe deactivated.

Team Trevor. Mainframe deactivated.

No, no, that's not our team name.
And you don't get to ch--

You know what? Team Cyril,
mainframe deactivated. Kaboom.

[groans] Don't be so desperate, dude.

All right, here we go.

All black market transactions are frozen.

The Dragon Run server is shut down
and the data transfer to us is complete.

-We did it!
-[Ray] Yay!

-[Krieger] Success!
-[Cyril] All right!

It's kind of worrying just how excited
we are that we did our jobs

without anything exploding
or catching fire

or the police getting called,
but I'm not overthinking it.

-And Ray finally stopped bitching.
-[Ray] Shut up, Cheryl.

Never mind.

Okay. Now, all I have to do is upload
the files to Interpol and--

What? No. Get an office drone to do
that shit when they're done puking.

Uh, well, then what do I do?

What the boss always does:

goes out and celebrates a win
that they had very little to do with.

You know what? You're right.

I need to trust my agents and know
that they can get the job done

even if it's not the way I'd plan it.
So let's go and get drunk.

Yay!

-Leave it.
-You got it, boss.

[electrical crackling, sizzling]

[Pam] Control? Our only way outta here
is covered with gunmen.

Is there another exit?

[Ray] Yeah. Or maybe we could get
an extraction.

[Zara] Apparently the mainframe
is now set to self-destruct,

so requesting immediate extraction.

Hello? Lana? Lana?

[Ray]
For the love of God, extraction, plea--

-[thudding]
-[phone beeps]

So, you wanna shoot some hoops, baller?

Shut up.

Nerd.