Original subtitles

Whoo-hoo! Office vacation.

No. Office mission.

[groans] Why are we always doing missions?

Because it's our job.

You don't even know what I do.

-Do you? -What?

Look at this place.

Is our mission to stop people from getting up crazy early

and using towels to claim the best lounge chairs?

Probably not.

What's wrong with using a towel to claim a chair?

Ugh. Are you really one of those people?

One of what people?

One of those people who thinks they own the best seats at the pool

and can ruin everyone else's vacation.

So it is a vacation.

Not a vacation and not a resort.

It's a luxury plastic surgery facility in Costa Rica.

[scoffs] Anyone can put plastic in a body.

I can put an entire universe inside of you.

Interpol received intel that

one of the world's foremost drug kingpins will be a patient at the facility.

This is your target: El Cambiante.

Wait. These are the best photos we have?

They're the only photos we have.

El Cambiante is incredibly secretive.

-Same. -Oh, please.

-You share everything. -Aha.

So my true secrets remain hidden.

You have worse secrets than the ones we already know?

-Wait. What kind of se-- -Nobody ask.

No one knows what El Cambiante looks like

because every five years, he changes his appearance.

Your mission is to pose as patients,

find El Cambiante and take him alive before he changes his face.

Huh. Their rates are actually really reasonable.

Botox in. Bad guy out. Got it.

[laughs] You get Botox?

Regular touch-ups when I'm young will help me avoid looking like you when I'm older.

Why would you want to avoid looking perfect?

Oh. You should look at a mirror and not a photo from 20 years ago.

There wouldn't be any difference.

I mean, there's some difference.

[laughs] Crow's-feet.

Say the word, and I can give you tiger feet.

Lana, tell them I look as good, if not better, than ever.

-You don't. I won't. -[footsteps approaching]

And your plane leaves in an hour. Seriously?

Uh, this?

This is for… [stammers] …a different mission.

[gasps] I call Pam's mission.

So, tell me what you don't like about yourself.

Wow, Doc. That's a tough one.

I mean, I guess I've been told my features are too striking.

-I like everything about myself. -Then why are you here?

I don't know. Why are any of us here?

Standard touch-up.

Injections at the orbicularis oculi, glabella and frontalis.

Not too heavy. I like to glare.

So, what's the craziest thing you've ever put inside a person?

-[stammers] I-- -Follow-up.

What's the craziest thing you'd like to put inside a person?

[sighs] Why are you naked?

I thought you were gonna circle my problem areas.

[stammers] Unless you want me to circle them?

This is my first plastic surgery.

[stammers] You want to know the ages of all the guests?

Well, only for sex reasons.

Do you know what would happen if I went full Archer on a 60-year-old

because I thought she was 30?

We'd be having sex on her deathbed, which is actually something I've done.

Not that my penis killed her.

Yeah. I can't, in good conscience, recommend any surgical procedures.

Because I'm already perfect?

Because I wouldn't feel comfortable putting someone in your condition

under anesthesia.

-What condition? -I-- I don't know where to start.

Multiple fractures, dozens of knife and projectile wounds.

Your liver is hanging on by a thread.

One of your kidneys has detached and is just floating inside of you.

And your spine is one bad blow from total paralysis.

Wait, y-you can't operate on me because I'm too frail?

Mr. Archer, you're 10 steps past frail.

How many concussions have you had?

It's not a concussion if you remember it.

Listen to me. This is the body of a man with no more second chances.

If you even sneeze wrong, your heart might stop.

-Understood? -Yeah. Uh-- Uh, okay.

Uh, I-- I-- I guess I'll go.

You should hold the handrail when you go down the stairs.

Yeah. I-- I got it.

And if you don't have a will--

I got it.

[sighs] This is it, Ray.

This is the day the Agency gets a fresh start.

Yeah. Didn't you say that last week?

And the week before that?

No idea. I'm too fresh to remember.

Then how is a fresh start different from brain damage?

Do you see this calendar? Hmm?

This is the calendar of someone who has a plan.

Staff meetings, budget reviews--

And a whole bunch of other office-y stuff I already canceled.

-What? Why? -Uh, because it's blackmail bribe day.

Why are you saying that like we should know what that is?

Well, maybe you should

because it's basically the reason this office isn't blown up.

Well, one of the reasons.

Another reason is I have found other outlets. [sighs]

Hotter, hotter, hotter, hotter!

[laughs]

Cheryl, what is blackmail bribe day?

Oh, right. It turns out you guys are not super stealthy on missions

and you break, like, a lot of laws.

So one day a month, Ms. Archer would pay off the people

who saw something or heard something or lost something or got shot by something.

Pay 'em off how? With what money?

That's the blackmail part.

There used to be a blackmail day and a bribe day.

But honestly,

it was so confusing and just easier to get everyone in and out all at once.

Everyone?

[Gillette] It's like if the DMV was at a prison.

Yeah. We're not doing this. Tell all those people to go.

Are you sure about that?

Ms. Archer said blackmail bribe day is the only thing keeping this entire city

from descending into utter chaos.

And Ms. Kane says we're taking a new approach.

Ooh. Okay.

Is the new approach embassy explosions and power grid failures?

Just do it.

[sighs] This is my kind of mission.

But we should probably look for this guy soon.

Twelve women and seven men in the vicinity.

Four men too old, two men too young and one man too tall.

And none of these rich bastards are tipping their waiters.

Get 'em, girl. [chuckles]

But I thought you Brits didn't tip.

Some of us do actually care whether workers can feed their children.

And I notice you didn't put anything on the waiter's tray.

Well, at least you're super judgy about it.

Yeah. You're fooling everybody, young ladies.

Now who's judgy?

Oh, they can do what they want.

I just worry about if they sneeze, their faces might fall off.

What happened to you?

-Good news. I got calf implants. -Ugh.

You got major surgery mid-mission?

Because my calves have always been small no matter how much I exercise.

What do you think?

What's important is that you like them.

So don't listen to what anybody says behind your back or to your front.

-Thank you? -Is anyone working on the mission?

I mean, Krieger's been getting close with that doctor.

I'm just saying, think back to why you became a surgeon.

Was it because you wanted to help people,

or was it because you wanted godlike power?

Godlike power.

Right. Time for action.

Oi, fucker!

Your waiter provided a service, and they deserve compensation.

[groans] Maybe Archer has a lead.

Mmm. Not unless staring wistfully out into the ocean is a lead.

Hey, bud. You okay?

I thought so, but apparently not.

-Oh, boy. What happened? -Life happened, Pam.

A thousand lives, all lived too fully.

And now, according to modern medicine, I'm nothing.

A shell of an agent.

A shell of a man.

[slurping]

Yeah. The doctor said my skin is too smooth for Botox.

Right. All the patients at the facility got invites to the mixer.

Let's split up and look for El Cambiante.

-[Cyril whimpers] -No rush.

Oh, that's good, because Dr. Spencer told me to never rush again.

And I'm not supposed to run until the swelling goes down.

And my guy here is clearly opening a coconut for the first time.

Wait. Where's Krieger?

I can't.

"Can't"? Could Picasso "can't"? Could Kant "can't"?

You are an artist, and the human skeleton is your canvas!

Now, graft that horn.

How are we supposed to find this guy? Everybody here has the exact same nose.

Thanks for walking with me, Pam.

One bad fall, and my hips could shatter.

According to one doctor.

And according to the X-rays of my buckling tibias.

Screw the X-rays.

This whole place is toxic.

These doctors only make money if they convince you

there's something broken that they can fix.

Dr. Spencer actually refused to work on me because I'm too broken.

That was reverse psychology, dude.

-Oh. You think? -I know. Look, Archer.

You're not the fresh young agent anymore, but you're something better.

The salty old pro who's seen it all and lived to tell about it.

I do have a lot of things to tell.

So go tell 'em.

Oh, and I guess look for our target.

Are we still doing that?

Still no sign of him.

Keep looking.

He's here somewhere.

-[gasps] -Huh?

Sorry. I-- I-- I have a gasping disorder. The doctors are stumped.

[gasping]

[Lana] This is unbelievable.

Half our budget is just labeled "miscellaneous."

Originally, we called it "bribes,"

but… [chuckles] …then we had to bribe the IRS to not arrest us, so--

We spend half our budget on bribes?

I mean, the blackmail covers some of that.

But Ms. Archer always said that there's no such thing as free blackmail,

which is why blackmail expenses are labeled "etcetera."

Yeah. We're not doing any of this anymore.

Well, tell that to Mr. Persistent.

Hi. I don't wanna be rude.

Maybe you were in the bathroom, but this agency doesn't do bribes anymore.

[chuckles] Oh, I heard. Very noble.

I'm Gary. Trust me, you want to bribe me.

Actually, Gary, I don't, because this is my agency, a new agency.

So, take whatever deal you had in the past,

crumple it up into a tiny ball,

and shove it up or down or through any hole of your choosing.

Mmm, okay then.

I'll just wait until you change your mind.

Well, then prepare to wait forever, Gary, because nothing is gonna ha--

-[explosion] -[gasps]

Was that the Costa Rican Embassy?

Yeah. We've been bribing some cartel not to blow it up.

Why?

Because if they do, it will make the Panamanian Mafia furious.

-What-- -See?

That could be a coincidence.

Mm-hmm, yeah. It's a real coincidence spree out there.

Wrong nose, wrong forehead.

Right nose, right forehead, but a lady.

-Señora. -Cheers.

You're being rather attentive.

[chuckles] Only when the lady is worth attending.

And might I say, your work is exquisite.

I would love to see some pictures of your grandchildren.

Grandchildren? I'm 25.

I see, señorita. [chuckles] Apologies, but you are not my type.

Ugh, I hate this place.

[groaning] We have a problem.

Yeah, you're interrupting me while I share my years of wisdom

-with these beautiful young ladies. -[chuckles] Oh.

-Why is that funny? -You sound just like my grandson.

Grandson? I hate this place.

I don't think we're the only ones looking for El Cambiante.

-[crash] -[waiter gasps, exclaims]

Hang on. Perfect nose, dimpled chin, lifted buttocks.

[gasps] The waiter is El Cambiante?

-A disguise within a disguise? I knew it. -[El Cambiante panting]

After him!

Hey! Be careful who you shove. Everyone here is older than they look.

-[El Cambiante grunts, laughs] -Oh, no. He's whimsically getting away.

And he took the only harness.

Oh, Zara. First zip line?

[grunting] Hey, what was wrong with your belt?

-The wire is really bad for the leather. -[Zara grunts]

-[grunts] -[exclaims]

-[Cyril exclaims] -[Pam slurps]

What the-- You still have your drink.

I'll drop it if I have to.

Good news. I saw a sloth.

-Where is he? -Probably still back that way.

-You know, he's pretty slow. -I mean El Cambiante, you knob.

Oh. [chuckles] No idea.

-[exclaims] -Cyril,

I know this is basically a vacation, but you still have to wear pants.

They fell off because you took my belt.

Or because your pants were too loose.

That's what the belt was for.

A belt shouldn't be functional, Cyril.

It's an accent piece.

There he is!

Split up.

[Cyril screams]

Can anyone see him?

Need a little help, please?

-[Pam laughs] I got ya. [grunts] -[Cyril grunts]

And I've got a new friend.

I shall call you Norman, because-- Hey, ow!

Why are you so fast?

There's a whole sin about it!

[grunts, screams]

[Archer sighs]

-[groans] -Guys, he's up.

I'm supposed to say that.

Well, now I gotta knock him out again.

Let's just keep him up.

Hey, bud. Recovery mai tai?

I got you this tiny fan from the gift shop.

They had flowers, but I thought, "Everyone buys flowers." So tiny fan.

-What happened? -You fell 50 feet onto jagged rocks.

Also, you held that asshole sloth to break its fall with your body.

It-- Uh, it bit you when you landed.

And just soaked you in piss.

That's amazing!

Uh, but is it?

I was worried I was getting old,

but I just survived an accident that should have killed me.

I might be invincible.

[groaning]

Yeah, that would be the 30 stitches-- or the nanobots, if they decided to rebel.

[grunts] Fine. I'm probably not invincible.

Just lucky to the point of being immortal.

So, where are we on the mission?

We lost El Cambiante in the jungle.

But now that we know what he looks like,

I was able to find him in the hospital database.

It looks like he got his surgery.

He's in recovery with a new face.

Yeah, his last face.

Ooh, scary.

[burps] I'm drunk.

And I have rounds with Dr. Spencer.

We're taking plastic surgery to new and forbidden places.

Places we probably shouldn't go.

Places that, deep down, make me wonder

if I've awoken something in this woman that should have remained asleep.

Or not.

Authorities are baffled as violence consumes the city.

We now go live to a fire at the Chilean Embassy.

There is no way this is because of us.

This is a coincidence.

Me finding a dollar on laundry day is a coincidence.

This is a city melting down 'cause we hit the brakes on a criminal money train.

[groans] I tried to tell you.

I mean, not very hard though.

I guess deep down, I wanted the city to burn.

[phone rings]

The Agency. Hmm. I'll check.

Do we care if the yakuza kills the Australian ambassador?

Yes! But we'll call him back.

Start with the toes, please.

Ray, what have you got?

[sighs] A tangled web of criminal nonsense.

We're bribing gun runners to arm militias

so they won't steal guns from other militias

who we're also bribing to protect banks,

'cause the banks are full of money from our other bribes.

[sighs] God, just tell me you have a solution!

I do. You're gonna hate it.

[sighs] Seriously?

All roads lead to Gary.

We pay him, it buys us time on the others.

Goddamn it. Fucking Gary.

Hey, I heard my name.

-Did you decide to bribe me yet? -No!

And stop being so cavalier about it.

Copy that. I'll be out here.

Also, I opened a new oat milk. Is that cool?

What's the big deal?

A bribe's just a service like a haircut or a dog's haircut.

The big deal is I'm trying to do things aboveboard, all right?

And I'd rather die than betray my principles.

[footsteps approaching]

I think that just became an option.

Guys, I think this is him.

Great. Shoot him and let's go.

The mission is to capture him.

You can't yell at me. I just got out of the hospital.

Uh, what's this hospital's policy on kidnapping?

Because those nurses don't look thrilled.

Hey, those are the guys I saw at the party.

I think they're after El Cambiante too.

-Which makes us allies, right? -[screams]

[groaning] I'm not supposed to jump yet.

My calf implants are curling into the backs of my knees.

Who the hell are these guys?

[Pam] And why do they get guns?

-Archer, what are you doing? -Immortal, remember?

Maybe he is.

-All the bullets are missing. -Ow!

Yeah. He's not.

Out the back! Go!

Still think you're immortal?

-[grunts] -Obviously.

Look. The bullet went straight through.

I'm made of nonvital organs and luck.

[grunts] But I am losing a lot of blood.

[gasps]

-Did we lose them? -Lose them?

It's a mid-size hospital, not the Trastevere neighborhood of Rome.

What? It's an easy place to lose people.

-Also, it seems like we lost them. -[groans] Not these guys, though.

Guys, the small penis hospital is, uh, down the road.

Can we not taunt the men with guns while we're also injured?

A positive attitude is the key to recovery, Cyril.

Although I'm feeling pretty negative about this dead end.

[screams]

[grunts]

Do all your missions end with you cornered and waiting to die?

Yeah. Yeah, that's a lot of 'em.

But I do have one idea.

[grunts]

What the hell, Archer?

-He was too short! -So he had to die?

The target we chased on the zip line was my height.

Whoever's under those bandages isn't the same person.

I'm pretty sure.

Wait. I want this bastard to know it was us.

Whoa. This place is really good.

[all groan]

El Cambiante?

[Cyril] He looks the same?

Yeah. Not to antagonize the man with a gun…

He said, as he prepared to.

…but I'd get a refund on that new face.

This one looks just as ugly as the old one.

[stammers] You know what? That's not fair.

[stammers] You're actually very handsome.

I'm just going through a lot this weekend, and-- [exclaims]

I postponed my surgery when I realized I was being hunted.

It felt like a good opportunity to eliminate potential assassins.

Good idea. What?

You can't argue with five dead assassins.

Soon to be… [muttering] …ten.

Technically, not assassins.

We're here to capture you.

[criminal 1] You thought you'd get away with it?

I don't even know who you are.

He sounds Russian.

No. He doesn't sound like anything.

We can't place his accent, and we didn't see his face.

And if he and his friends left, we'd forget they were ever even here.

-I mean, I wouldn't forget. -Oh, my God, woman.

Oh, God. It's fine, all right? We'll pay you.

[criminal 1] Yes. This time, and then what?

We have to come back again when you don't pay next time?

You think it's easy, renting van for all these men?

[grunts] You die now.

Excuse me? Hi. Gary.

-I think maybe I can help. -[criminal 1] You can die.

I can. And then, we all can.

Awesome.

You're the Chechen revolutionaries, right?

Hmm. I'll take that stony silence as a yes.

And I happen to know

the Chechnyans are currently in debt to the Irish Republican Army,

which owes a favor to the Albanian conservative party,

whose secrets are being kept by the Boston Mafia,

who owe a favor to me, Gary.

Which is all to say, I think we could clear all this up

without any violence at all if I got my bribe.

I get what you're trying to do here.

Maybe start by cutting one bribe a month?

Like the janitors at the Costa Rican embassy?

Because they're all dead now.

See you next month.

Well, that's one less bribe.

Do we think Gary's single?

What? He's confident and mysterious.

Oh, please. Like y'all wouldn't.

[screams] Does no one have a weapon?

I've got Cyril's stupid fan.

Hey, I put thought into that gift.

-Yeah. The thought was bad. -[distant screeching]

Does anyone else hear screeching?

We made a mistake. We made a terrible mistake!

[screeching] I can feel God. [laughing]

[grunts]

[grunts, screams]

Ugh. Gross. But lucky.

We need to go before their brains fully merge.

After them!

And don't shoot the massage table, okay?

I have an appointment later.

[all groan]

-[groans] -[Zara grunts]

[grunts]

Hey, buddy.

-[grunts] -Namaste down.

-[Pam grunts] -[grunts]

-[laughing] -[Pam grunts]

-[Archer screams] -[grunts]

[screaming]

[grunting]

-[sneezes] My face! -Oh, my God.

Her face fell off!

I told you!

Oh, my God. That is grisly.

Someone get her a bag.

-And nobody step on-- -[Cyril screams]

Oh, never mind.

Oh, the implants are going up into my thighs!

[gun clicks]

Or I'll just get the surgery in Brazil.

[panting]

-[grunts] Archer! -Little busy.

Which I know seems antithetical to a steam room,

but… [chuckles] …here we are.

[El Cambiante] Yes, here we are.

[Archer groans]

In the appendix?

That's how Houdini died.

[grunts]

I looked you up, Sterling Archer, after our encounter on the zip line.

Poor broken spy.

-An old man in a young man's game. -[grunts]

[El Cambiante] Why not do the respectable thing and die now?

[gasps] Tiny fan.

Huh?

[grunts, groans]

[grunting, groaning]

[grunting]

-[laughing] -[groans]

You know, I saw it differently in my head.

[grunts]

-[exclaims] -[groans]

No one tell Cyril his gift was useful.

Mission accomplished.

Why are you holding the fan?

Because I felt like holding something stupid.

But thank you for the gift.

Three on one. Nice work.

More like, "all in a day's work" for the world's greatest…

[wheezes, coughs]

…greatest spy.

That probably would have been more convincing if I hadn't coughed up blood.

You know, bud, maybe this is the mission

where you learn not to rely so much on luck.

Are you kidding? This was my luckiest mission yet.

You got shot, like, a dozen times.

Yeah. In a hospital.

[sighs] Ooh. Whoa.

Hey, see if they can put in an extra liver while they're in there, okay?

Archer out.

Yeah. So, should we be worried about whatever Dr. Spencer turned into?

[explosion]

No.