Original subtitles

[snoring]

[yells, sighs] Can you not do that?

Can't not. Won't not.

[groans]

Time can eat a rack of balls.

So this is immediately grim.

But to cheer everyone up, I decided to get you all a Friday smoothie.

[all] Yay.

Then I thought, "It would be hard to carry them all."

So I decided to tell you I forgot. But then, uh, I forgot to do that.

Huh, no return address.

-[Cyril] Clearly a trap. -[Pam] Rat trap.

Ooh, do we think it's maybe time to test my roof catapult

and motion-tracking auto-cannon?

Or is it definitely time?

[gasps] Let's shoot some box skeet.

Yeah, but we should probably call it something else.

[person] G-G-Guys. Guys.

You guys hear that or did they just go super hard at the smoothie place?

I don't hear anything. Roof gun?

[person] Guys, can you not blow up the box?

'Cause I'm almost out of power here.

Barry? Thank Cyborg Jesus. You're alive?

Why are you in a box?

[Barry groans] Oh, God. Thank you.

Uh, yeah. Kind of a long story. Um. [laughs]

Whoops. Sorry. Still not great with the operating the, uh, whole fridge thing.

Now that's what I call a cold open.

-Who's that for? -Ha-cha-cha-cha.

So what I'm getting is that this mini fridge is a friend of yours?

Yeah, Barry. What's the deal here?

Wait, are we in the break room? I know you've got other outlets.

Yeah, we thought you'd be more comfortable in here with your kind.

Unless that's appliance-racist, if that's a thing?

If you have to ask, then it definitely is.

Oh, loosen up.

-[groans] -Ow. Hey, do that one more time. Ow.

Let's all just chill.

Nice, appliance-racist.

So, he said, moving this along,

remember how me and Other Barry were trapped in the same body?

And I told you how to shut me down,

basically saving your lives by sacrificing myself?

Seriously? Come on, I cannot believe I have to remind you about this.

[Archer] If anything, it was the scientist guy who sacrificed himself.

[Krieger] Colt. And he was my best friend.

Aw, during our tearful goodbye, he told me that I should--

[Barry] Oh, c-- Whose story is this?

Anyhoo, the electrical surge somehow let me reach out

and find this Wi-Fi-enabled fridge and transfer my consciousness.

But by the time I got it running--

Hey, guys. I'm alive. It's cool.

Once they cleared the rubble, I took remote control of a forklift

and carried myself out.

But my powers were limited. So I ended up in a college dorm room.

Oh, you're not gonna clean that up?

[Barry] Then I was a prop on a fetish porn set.

You're not gonna clean that up?

But now I'm-- H-Hey, that's really distracting.

Oh, damn. I really wanted that.

You're not gonna clean that up?

Is that a real question?

Hold on. This refrigerator person

is scientifically and philosophically earth-shattering.

She's new.

So? You did it once. Can't you transfer into something else?

No. I can't. Think it had something to do with the power surge.

Not to worry. I'll figure it out no matter how many human-animal hybrids

we have to sacrifice to get there.

Yeah. Don't let him ever touch me.

Yeah, that's pretty much the consensus around here.

Well, unfortunately, there's no time anyway because--

Other Barry's back.

I picked up some ripples out there in the ether.

And yes, Other Barry must have gotten out like me,

or he was resurrected or some frickin' thing. But he's back.

Can we please take a step back here?

Human-scale artificial intelligence actually exists.

-More like arti-fridgal intelligence. -[Krieger laughs] Yes.

-[Pam laughs] Nice. -Sometimes they just come to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, very nice. But how can we continue as before

knowing that the next stage of consciousness is nigh?

-More like arti-fridgal intelligence. -[all laugh]

[laughs] It's j-- Still really, really good.

Okay, we've got a little more of a handle on this. Krieger?

So something is drawing huge amounts of power from the Hoover Dam.

Luckily, I'm pretty good at power tracing

because I siphon off the grid, like, all the time.

But not to here, right?

That feels like a trick question.

-Which part? -The question part?

Anyway, it's going to Yucca Mountain.

The government started building

a permanent nuclear waste storage site there, but it was never completed.

Where do they put the waste now?

Meh, just around.

Fantastic country you've got here.

Yeah. It's too bad we don't live on the soggy remains of a crumbled empire.

Give it time.

Other Barry is building something big.

Been a lot of chatter in the black market contractor world.

Great. So now there's evil plumbers.

Always have been. Think the Roman Empire had lead pipes on accident?

Uh, yes.

So naive. Goth plumbers.

Cool.

-Not that kind. -Aw.

Yucca strike team is Archer, Pam, Cyril and Krieger.

Wait, you're not coming?

Definitely not the first time you've used that phrase.

[laughs] Ice cold. [laughs] It's okay when I say it.

Lana, I'm not sure what credentials I lack here,

other than some kind of minimum blood alcohol level.

You have to stay committed.

But I respectfully request to join the mission

or else you will look like a complete numpty. [breathing heavily]

To continue, Zara, you will join Ray and me on a linked mission.

Withdrawn. Forget I said that.

The main power line to Yucca was buried to prevent sabotage.

Years later, when the project was abandoned,

an office building was built over the access point.

Whatever doom machine he's got in there,

it looks like it's protected by some kind of high-energy field.

I'm gonna say a laser matrix, but just because those are fun words.

My team will cut the power to disable the, uh--

Laser matrix.

Sure. Then you'll destroy Barry and his death machine. Any questions?

Uh, yeah. Why is Krieger holding a bowl of eggs?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a lunch meeting. Well, let me just put these--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wh-What-- What are you doing, chief?

Are those peeled, uncovered, hard-boiled eggs?

[all groan]

Does it help if they're not bird eggs?

Well, at least it doesn't look exactly like the yawning maw of death itself.

Well, at least if I die, I'll be able to put down this damn refrigerator.

I'm not a "damn refrigerator." I'm a highly evolved, sentient life form.

-Yeah, in a damn refrigerator. -[Archer sighs]

Hey, man, what's up?

Oh, nothing. Just mentally preparing.

I'm not sure if you noticed, Pam, but Other Barry tends to beat

the ever-living shit out of me. All the time.

We're here to help, buddy.

Thanks, home appliance.

But I might feel better about that if you had, you know, arms or legs.

Hey, I brought these for you.

I got it from my cool Aunt Gerty.

She gave it to me right before she got busted in Canada

for bootlegging cheese curds.

Pam, these are great, but I'm not sure if they're enough.

Wait. We do have a secret weapon.

Barry. Does Other Barry have weaknesses we can use to defeat him?

Man, that's a great question. Why didn't I think of that?

Um, let me think. Uh…

No.

[grunts]

[grunting]

I need a break. Anyone else wanna carry this thing?

[Barry] I have a name.

Sorry, does anyone else wanna carry Dorkballs here?

Uh, you seem fine.

Ray? Come in, Ray. You there?

[upbeat music playing]

[Lana] How's the Yucca team doing?

Great. Well, I assume.

You know, they're inside a mountain.

There's not, like, a whole bunch of reception in there.

So, while Zara and I scout the target, you're not doing anything?

Uh, reductive. But the whole reason we're doing the mission today

is 'cause they're having a party, so it should be easy to sneak downstairs.

Plus, do you really need me monitoring how many of these tech bros

are looking at your yabos?

It had better be all of them. Although it is making it harder to sneak away.

Oy, shit for brains. If I wanted to talk to you, I still wouldn't.

I'd go home and stick my head in a blender for even thinking it. Now, fuck off.

[Ray] If it'll make you feel better, I will do a thorough scan.

Nerd. Nerd. Dork. Geek. Nerd. N-- Uh-oh.

-[Lana] What? -Well, it's not great.

-[Pam groans] -[thuds]

[groans]

So, kind of a funny story.

[moans] Come on, Pam.

I said I needed a break.

And I said you looked fine. Why would you mislead me like that?

Don't worry. I got it. 'Cause I think these guys are slipping.

We need to throw the kitchen sink at 'em or something bigger.

Yeah, but like wha-- No, no, no, no. [groans]

[grunts]

-Cyril. -What?

Do the one thing you actually do.

Suppressing fire!

[Barry] Wait. No, no, no. What-- What are you-- [grunts]

Just put me down. Come on, man.

Why are you mad? You helped.

Because I'm not bulletproof. I took a hit to the compressor. I'm useless now.

Don't say that. We need you for intelligence on Other Barry.

He doesn't know any of that.

Oh. Really? So, what are we doing?

Well, whenever I'm at my lowest,

I always return to one fundamental truth: at least I'm not Cyril.

-[thuds] -[Barry grunts]

Hey, I just did something.

I'd call you a one-trick pony, Cyril, but ponies probably have better aim.

Uh, we really need to get going, guys.

Oh, I see. We're-- We're just gonna stop

before I can say that ponies can't hold guns because of hooves.

And off that devastating riposte.

Cyril, just grab Barry.

Why me?

Because you're the one I can most reliably intimidate.

[sighs] I swear, one of these days, I will show them all.

-Yeah. I can, uh, hear you, buddy. -Damn it.

[grunting] Man, these are really substandard goons.

I almost feel bad kicking the snot out of 'em. [grunts] Almost.

I don't get it. Why doesn't Other Barry just make a bunch of copies of himself

to use as goons?

Uh, guys. Maybe because this?

[Barry] Well, it seems like this particular Barry

doesn't play well with others.

[Archer] So, he's more evil now?

Huh. And from this equipment, it looks like he's experimenting with nanobots.

Ugh. I hate nanobots.

-Why? -Too small.

Guys, can you give me a sec?

Uh. [stammers] No, yeah. Take your time. I'd rather not be part of the group.

Hey, I didn't make you into a fridge.

-Did you make yourself into a bitch? -Wow.

I'm sorry. I'm just upset that I'm stuck in this situation.

Just not feeling super useful, you know?

[sighs] I know what you mean. I've been, uh--

I'm a fridge, not a therapy couch.

Why don't you skip another leg day, then try to pick me up?

[machinery whirring]

So, why don't you skip another leg day, then try to pick me up?

Now, fuck off.

Zara, we're kinda trying to blend in here.

Wouldn't rejecting these nerds be the kind of thing they're used to?

Bunch of rich pricks with wallets where their cocks should be.

Uh, what's going on with you?

Nothing. Why are you being weird?

-We've got an opening. Let's go. -[bottle shatters]

Damn it. Those two bogeys are on your tail.

How is that possible? How could Barry have known we were coming?

[Ray] I don't know. Maybe he was detecting your weird mood swings from space.

Right?

[gasps] I was right. It was a laser matrix.

Nice. We can get reception here.

Ray. Are they in position for the power cut?

We need to place these detonators and the laser matrix is still up.

[Ray] Wh-- [sighs] You're already in position?

Uh, at the time we said, yes.

[Ray] And we're sure your watch isn't fast?

Ray, this watch could survive a fall from the Empire State Building

and still get me to three tightly scheduled group sex opportunities.

And I know that because I've done it. What is going on?

Wait. Was one of 'em on top of the Empire State Building?

-[Archer] Ray? -You know what? Let me patch you through.

-[gunshots] -[Archer] Lana, what the hell is going on?

[groans] Oh, God. Stairs.

Ugh. [grunts, gasps] What did-- What did you do to me?

Nanobots. [chuckles] Geez.

You guys were just talking about this. Frickin' pay attention.

Hold up. Why do you have a fridge?

Oh, gross. Hard-boiled eggs without a cover.

What sort of person does that?

Now I really am glad I'm wiping out humanity.

Well, you must have done something.

Otherwise, how would they know we'd be here?

How do I know? Just fix it.

So what? We just wait then?

I guess. I was all worked up for some kind of evil death robot fight.

Yeah. I mean, I brought all this cool stuff.

Got circuit neutralizers, handheld mini-EMPs, and this--

Oh, that's for something else.

Where have you been? And where's Barry?

Guys, watch out!

Watch out for what? [grunts]

You chose now to grow a spine?

I didn't grow one, I swear.

[grunting]

Ow. Hey, I'm not a get-punched person. That's you guys.

Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.

[grunting] Cyril, if you don't stop this shit right now,

I will rip off your ears and staple them over your eyes. [grunts]

[Archer groans]

-It's not my fault. I got nano-botted. -[gunshot]

Yeah, and guess what?

Oh, it's-- I guess it's just what he said.

[chuckles]

We ready? Everyone locked down?

Yep. We're all set.

Great. Listen, I really appreciate your work.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to let you all go.

[goons sigh]

Goddamn it!

I know. I know. Nothing harder than this.

You'll get severance, and if you need a letter of recommendation--

Yeah, I'm not doing any of that.

Okay, let's start the show.

And now I give you the big plan.

Since when did you develop a penchant for theater?

Oh, I don't know, since Aristophanes? Humanity is wasted on humans.

What is a robot?

Well, to answer that, we might have to ask, what is a person?

I was born on a cold winter night in January,

squalling, red-faced, spat out into the world I didn't understand.

-Oh, my God. -What?

He's doing a one-man show.

Oh, God. Can't he just kill us?

"Could really use a power cut right about now," he said to the air.

We are working on it.

Why are you dicks working for Barry? You know he's just gonna kill us all.

I don't know who that is, lady.

We just want Zara. She knows why.

Care to explain?

Well, that's a complicated question, but no.

So by injecting nanobots into people, I can control their actions

while leaving their consciousness intact, making the result even more horrific.

It is quite awful.

Shut up. No interrupting. Now, uh, pretend to be a pigeon.

-[grunts, coos] -[Other Barry chuckles] Yeah.

Now he's got a limp. Uh-oh, and he's trying to play basketball.

[cries, coos]

[laughs] Sorry, that was pretty funny.

Wait, your plan is to inject every person on Earth?

That's a terrible plan. I mean, think of the time commitment.

That's why it's not the plan, dingus.

Cool.

I mean, this is terrible and all, but game respect game.

Where did you get that curtain?

A regional theater in, uh, Tallahassee.

Just retired math teacher smell all over it.

Anyway, I'll-I'll drill down to the water table

and put these in the water supply.

Should be able to get to most of Las Vegas before anyone figures out what's going on.

And then I'll have my army to nanobot the world.

What's the radioactive waste for?

Oh, it just helps.

Look, I may have come to America to avoid some rather significant gambling debts.

That's not enough for them to--

And then I tried to assassinate the head of the gambling syndicate.

And I heard they figured out where I was, which is why I've been a bit edgy.

Who the hell are you?

I am great at holding it together at work. Fantastic, in fact. Maybe the best ever.

Not the time!

But do I maybe have a few impulse control problems? Yes!

Was I a poor scholarship kid at a posh school,

so now I hate rich people and tend to use violence when they cross me?

[screams]

But I am working on it!

How hard?

[Barry] Damn it! I have to do something.

The only part of me that moves is-- Wait a second.

Yeah. Nice self-talk revelation, Barry. You're doing it.

All right, let's get this party started.

What the-- A PIN? I didn't create a PIN. Goddamn it.

Krieger, do you have something that could get me out?

Nah, I don't think so. Sorry.

Ooh, wait. You mean something like a directed acid cutter?

-Uh, yeah, exactly that. -How did you not bring that up?

-You know I'm an introvert. -[gasps]

[stammers] Be careful. It's single-use only.

Hey, Josh. What's up, man?

You didn't happen to put a PIN screen into the mega drill, did you?

No, no, no. I agree. Security is important, but what is the number?

Hey, man, maybe I should do this. It feels like you don't really want to.

I don't, but if someone's gonna die at Other Barry's hands, it should be me.

Uh, well, that's not very trusting. So transferring your severance now.

[sighs] Yeah, I'm very hurt by this. All right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's tough business.

Okay, goodbye. Yeah, I said goodbye.

-What is that sound? -[groans] Oh!

Yes, this is still metal.

Seriously, I'm worried about you. You can't win.

Is your brain just a little whacked out

from all those other times I beat the shit out of you?

I don't need a robot's help to have a messed-up brain, all right? [grunts]

Yeah, but maybe I'm just a giver, you know?

[Lana] You should have told us!

Well, I'm telling you now! I'm not very trusting.

Well, let's work on that. Run in that direction!

And then what?

And what would you learn if I told you?

I would learn if I should trust you.

Take your time. But you know what?

I-I feel like… [sighs] …we need to up the ceremony here.

Cyril, dance. Dance like you've never danced before.

[whimpers, groans]

No, no, uh… [sighs] …I was hoping something more with high kicks maybe?

This is humiliating.

Well, at least you have experience with that.

You know, you can reference your entire life.

Hey! Only we get to make fun of Cyril.

Yeah, and it's the key to our solidarity for some reason.

Aw, thanks, guys.

[groaning]

Oh, oh!

[grunts, coughs]

[machinery whirring]

[groaning, coughing]

What is that sound?

[groans]

Yeah, go get 'em, Aunt Gerty.

[groans]

Well, that was cute. But now, I'm going to kill you.

Fine! But if I die, let's remember that I was right.

God! Seriously, what is that sound?

[Barry] Die, you schizophrenic son of a bitch!

-Thanks, Lana. You were right-- -Shut up and attach the disrupter!

[groans] Here's Barry!

Seriously, you tried to kill me with a fridge?

I'm a goddamn technological marvel.

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Go, fridge Barry! Go!

[groans]

[handcuffs beep]

[grunts]

[Archer] No! [groaning]

Oh, you got a real pickle on your hands. Huh, Archer?

You kill me, you're gonna kill your little buddy. So what are you gonna do?

-Oh, shut up! [groans] -[screams]

Barry. Barry, are you still here?

-[device beeps] -Just kidding! [laughs]

I'm still here, yes.

-All right! -Yes, Barry!

Wait. We could've just taken this off and not carried that goddamn fridge around?

-Well, best not to think about it. -[Lana] Great work, everyone.

Even if the only thing you did was eat popcorn this whole time.

[gasps] That is not true, because, at one point, I ran out.

And hey, I know it was hard to say that back there,

but we all have our crap.

And honestly, that's how we stick together.

By mercilessly mocking each other in increasingly hurtful ways?

Yeah. See, you get it.

[groans, sighs] Thanks, Krieger.

Yep, yep, yep. By the way, there are literally millions of tiny dead robots

floating around in you right now.

So, drink lots of fluids.

Um, I do have a question.

You and Other Barry have, like, died before.

Yeah, that's true.

So, other than this fridge thing, who keeps bringing you guys back?

I don't know. I just know that I woke up me again,

which must mean I'm saved somewhere by someone or something.

Maybe some artificial intelligence aspiring to godhood.

Robots aren't supposed to dream.

But sometimes when I'm recharging, in a ghostly vision,

I see myself coming back over and over again,

eternally recurring until this presence summons us both.

Barry and Other Barry, at the end of the world.

And we battle to either destroy humanity or to save it.

And in that dream, all I can hear ringing in my ears

is the mocking laughter of that-- that being.

Or, you know, it could just be some dude.