Original subtitles

Decoy? Decoy?

I did warn you.

After you threw me off the bike.

So, less a warning than an assignment.

God, I've always wanted to throw him off something. What's it like?

Surprisingly easy.

You're easy.

Wait. No, you're whatever's sexually undesirable due to untrustworthiness.

Like my tennis coach, who turns out is married.

I don't see the problem. You still got away from the police.

And then got tranqed by the international jewel thieves

we're supposed to be taking down.

Yeah. And they didn't use the good stuff either.

My point is, this is all part of the plan.

Yeah, and… [grunts] …what part of the plan

comes after being chained by our feet to the ceiling of a sea cave?

The fun part.

-[grunts] -Ow.

Easy, Lillian Leitzel.

Excuse me for not wanting to die dangling.

Oh, yeah. Much better to die swinging back and forth like a rummy old pinata.

No one's going to die.

But we will drown if we're not free in a few minutes.

So, Zara, what exactly is your plan?

Because so far it's… [grunts] …rob a probably innocent man,

then rob a definitely innocent museum…

[grunts] …get tranquilized, then hang upside down in a cave.

The plan's actually too intense for your aging brain to understand,

but we're waiting on step three of 12. Fourteen if they have guard dogs.

Seriously? [grunts]

-Seriously? -Problem?

"I have a plan, but I can't share it" is exactly what people say

when they don't have a plan and hope it all works out.

-Wonder why you know that? -We all know why I know that.

The difference is I actually have a plan. Trust me.

I don't. You're a loose cannon.

-You're kind of also a loose cannon, bud. -Exactly.

And you can't have two loose cannons on one ship. They'd smash everything.

Yeah, as opposed to one loose cannon.

I feel like "loose cannon" is never used as a positive.

Really? Because people call me one all the time.

-And you think that's a compliment? -Obviously.

[chuckles] And now we know you're not the subtext cannon.

Said the stupid cannon.

New plan, and I can share it.

I'm saving the day. [grunting]

And why does that require you to be barefoot?

She asked, barely caring.

It's not my feet. It's my shoe.

I made Krieger install an emergency phone the week I joined the Agency.

Ugh, why?

Because it felt like something a spy would have. [grunts]

And guess what? It is. [grunts]

-Because I have it. [grunts] -[line ringing]

[ringing]

Well, you're finally using the shoe phone. It's about time.

Does it stink?

Shut up, Krieger. Listen, trace my call.

The moron Interpol agent got us captured.

Well, according to your shoe, you're on an island in Greece.

Ooh. Also according to your shoe, you're pigeon-toed.

We're in Greece?

Jelly. So, anything else?

Organize a rescue, goddamn it.

Oh, shit.

Congratulations on your daring robberies.

You have the attention of the Vanguard.

But we only need one new member. So we will let the tide decide.

I'll be back in an hour.

You forgot to say, "Any questions?" To which I would say, "Lots."

Like, "Do you wash these chains between guests?"

Because salt water isn't enough to get them clean.

Oh, please. Salt water works fine on blood.

It's rust you gotta worry about.

[Zara vocalizing]

[sighs]

Damn. Way to go, Zara.

[grunts]

You couldn't have done that earlier?

Like, before I got this inversion erection.

-I don't think that's a thing. -Then explain why I have one.

Step three was waiting for them to leave us alone

so we'd have more time to infiltrate the facility.

[gasps] There was a step three.

No, there wasn't.

She's just doing things and calling them steps.

Says the guy doing nothing.

Am I? Or am I on step one of kicking your ass?

Yeah. Still looks like nothing.

-Do you want me to get you down? -[grunts] No.

Like my erection, I will handle this myself.

Look, our goal is to take down the Vanguard leader,

but he never leaves Vanguard's secret island headquarters.

And the only way to get here was to be recruited.

And now we're locked in a quickly flooding cave.

Are we?

[gasps] Was that--

-Step four, baby. -Not a step.

See you after we accomplish the mission.

Not if I see you first.

But after I accomplish the mission with my plan.

-[Zara] Yeah, good luck with that. -She said, with obvious jealousy.

Okay, my plan. My plan.

Of which, step one is--

-[squeals] -[chuckles] Utilize a friendly turtle.

Which takes us to step two.

Thoughts?

I've got good news and bad news, people.

[gasps] What about spooky news?

-Ooh. You never hear about spooky news. -Right?

[groans] Tell me the bad news.

Well, the good news is the shoe phone worked great,

and it gives me hope for my next invention,

the brain parasite phone.

Krieger! The bad news.

-The team was captured. -What?

Oh, wait, there's more good news. They're in Greece.

How is that good news?

Duh. It's olive season.

Okay. We have to rescue them. You're all back on field duty.

Aw… [sighs] …okay.

Ugh, I guess I'll get my knives.

Wait. How are we gonna get there on such short notice?

You gave away the private plane.

I gave away Robert's plane because we don't need it.

Or him or his stupid money.

There are other ways to travel.

-[Cheryl grunting] -Four to Athens, please.

No, I don't wanna check my knives.

I want to carry them on the plane like a normal person!

Hey, Cyril, they still allow biological weapons on planes, right?

-What? No! -[Cheryl grunts]

-Oh, really? -[Cheryl grunts]

-Well, I'll be right back. -[Cheryl grunts]

I gotta say, Shelly,

for a slow, inevitable death jail, this sea cave is pretty peaceful.

[Shelly chirps]

But a way out would be nice.

[Pavle] Where are the others?

Sharks?

There are no sharks in Greece.

There's sharks in the ocean. All the oceans are connected.

You're telling me a shark couldn't get to Greece?

And get into this particular sea cave?

Yeah, you've got a point there. [grunts]

[Pavle grunts]

[sputtering]

Relax, I'm just trying to get your keys. But if you keep struggling--

[sputtering stops]

[chuckles] Hang on.

Did you already drown? It's been, like, 10 seconds.

Uh, note to Vanguard,

the guy guarding the water jail should probably have bigger lungs than a canary.

Take care, Shelly.

And sorry for killing that guy in your cave.

Vanguard leader, come out to play.

Move, asshole. Oh, hey. You didn't drown.

And I drowned someone else.

It's called going above and beyond, Zara.

Well, we're on step eight.

See this guy's face? Step seven.

Well, call me Saul of Tarsus.

Why? Are you blinding magicians now?

No, y-- [sighs] I'm a convert.

This woman has a plan.

She's like you, Archer,

if all the chaos and explosions and deaths were intentional.

Everything I do is intentional.

Remember when I crashed a space shuttle and Ray was paralyzed?

-Vaguely. -Exactly.

Exactly what?

-He's even better now. -Says who?

Well, if you're not, you should have said something.

I complain literally all the time.

Anyway, I'm gonna keep going on with the mission.

-[grunts] -[grunts]

Tell me where your boss is, or I will give you a bright idea.

Because of the light bulb in his brain. Nice.

[groans] What boss?

Your boss. The leader of the Vanguard.

The Vanguard has no leader.

[laughs] What step is learning your plan doesn't work?

But obviously, this is bad for the mission.

Uh, getting dark in here.

-Yeah, in two ways. -[guard coughs, breathes heavily]

What do you mean the Vanguard has no leader?

We're nonhierarchical.

Everyone is the leader.

To wipe out the Vanguard, you have to kill all 61 members.

Technically, 60. I accidentally drowned a guy.

Maybe you know him? Bald. Lungs like a baby bird.

-[groans] -[grunts, groans]

-[grunts] -Damn. And damn.

-Fifty-nine. So, we're tied. -Not for long.

It's not a contest.

But it could be. We've got a lot of Vanguard to take out.

And an odd number, you know, to avoid ties.

Yeah, 'cause that's the most important thing in a murder contest.

The murders were accidents, Ray.

-This will be more like-- -A concussion contest.

Exactly, but never finish my sentence again.

It's on.

Whoever knocks out the most guards is officially the loosest cannon.

-Loser is-- -A normal lady cannon.

If that's the label you prefer.

[breathes heavily]

Huh. Wait, you're okay?

-[Zara grunts] -[Pavle groaning]

Nope. So that's two me, and--

All the rest, me.

Oh, good. Another mission based on spite.

I know.

Wait, was that sarcasm?

[Lana] I'm thrilled.

A rescue mission on a commercial plane with checked guns

to save agents who failed to accomplish our first mission for Interpol,

thus putting the entire future of this agency in jeopardy.

Also, the moron in front of me leaned his seat all the way back.

Hey. I'm just exercising my right to recline.

And your right to suck.

I am calling the flight attendant.

Fine, go crying to your sky mom.

I just wanted to do things differently.

You know, be the steady hand in the office.

But instead, here I am, first mission in charge, back in the field.

Maybe… [stammers] …I can't leave.

I mean, Archer doesn't work well on his own.

-[inhales deeply] Are you okay? -No.

My submarine has bigger seats than this.

I asked you to charter us a private plane.

And I thought flying commercial would be funny.

They actually give you peanuts.

I thought that was some kind of weird joke.

Five perfectly good bioweapons thrown in a public trash can.

They should be in a terrorist trash can!

Stop saying those words on a plane.

Sir, I'm gonna need you to come with me to the back of the plane.

Ooh. Upgrade.

[grunting]

-I'll save your peanuts for later. -[grunts]

-[grunts] -[grunts]

Oh. I'm sorry. Were you gonna knock him out?

No. [grunts]

I was going to knock him out.

So, you won't mind if I go after--

[grunts, groans]

The slowest, sickest guard on some future mission?

Not at all.

You know, in a weird, accidental way, they're kind of a good team.

[guards grunting]

[Archer grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

-[groans] -[groans]

[groans]

Yeah, they're a regular Farrell and Balanchine.

Yeah, including the awkward age gap.

-[Zara, Archer grunt] -Call it a tie?

Hey, he was already unconscious.

And excessive force is the tiebreaker.

Point, Archer, which means--

I'm winning.

Damn. You guys have a cafeteria?

[sighs] We have to pay for our meals.

I'm just saying, if the choice was between eating this meal and the plane crashing,

I would choose the plane crash.

The chicken is very good. My compliments to the chef.

Any chance the captain could speed this flight up?

We're in a bit of a rush.

Maybe stepping up to run the Agency was the wrong move.

I mean, I thought being in the office would be better for AJ,

but not if I end up in the field every mission and--

-Cheryl, I need you to stop. -[screams]

I need more room. This is like a plane for bugs.

Ma'am, just a reminder that the captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign.

Just a reminder that I don't care.

Ma'am, I need you to calm down.

You are alarming… [chuckles softly] …the other passengers.

Well, they should be alarmed, because I'm gonna buy this plane

and crash it into the ground where all the other poor people live.

The sky is for the rich, you fucking bugs!

[grunts, muffled shouting]

-[people in cafeteria clamoring] -[guards grunting, groaning]

[grunting]

[grunts]

[grunting]

-[sighs] Twenty-five. -[guards grunting]

-Twenty-one. -[guards grunting]

Twenty-six and twenty-seven.

Ugh. Twenty-one again.

-[grunts] Get your own. -[grunting]

I'm not the one who needs to lay off the carbs.

[grunts]

[grunts] Whoa. Now we're body-shaming?

-Call it "body constructive criticism." -[both straining]

Same side, assholes.

-[groans] -[grunting]

-Pam, stop. -What?

We need an odd number of guards.

If you knock one out, Zara and I might tie.

Come on. Seriously?

[alarm blaring]

Hey, uh, before we do this, one question.

Is anyone out sick today?

What is happening? We landed an hour ago.

Excuse me.

Lana, we're not supposed to take off our seat belts until we're at the gate.

And the gate is right there. Do they not know this is a rescue mission?

On a commercial flight? Oh. How would they not?

Are they leaving?

Hey, hey!

You have a plane full of people here!

Ma'am? It's not yet safe to stand.

Oh, not safe? Why?

Are we in danger of running into

one of the zero employees currently helping out there?

-Ma'am-- -Oh, do not "ma'am" me.

I have jumped out of planes over war zones with a parachute made from a negligee.

I think I'll be fine crossing the tarmac at Baklava International Airport.

Don't you dare come at me with that duc--

-[taser buzzing] -[straining]

-[grunting] -[grunting]

[chuckles] Will you look at that? An eye massager.

What will they think of next?

[yelps]

-[guards grunting] -[grunts]

[grunts, groans]

How many is that?

Uh, little busy avoiding death and not being able to fight back.

-Well, I count 30. -[gunfire]

[grunts] Same.

Ah. Damn it.

[grunting]

-Seriously? -That face belongs to my fist.

-Uh, I could also just leave. -No!

[both grunting, groaning]

Fifty on Archer, but 20 on Zara to break one of his arms.

[scoffs] Who puts olives in lasagna?

They are in season.

-[grunts] -[gunshot]

Enough.

Uh, can whatever this is wait until I, uh, knock out this terrified man?

I'm afraid not.

I'm the warden, leader of the Vanguard.

-What? -[groans]

Sorry, it's not you.

It's just, now there is an even number.

Look at us, tied with our own zips.

Ugh, don't remind me of the tie. It's 30 to 30.

Is that seriously what you're thinking about right now?

I mean, yes.

You know, I'm beginning to think you're not aspiring new recruits.

We are. Uh, but she's a spy.

[scoffs] We're all spies.

Is this still part of your plan?

"Plan" in massive air quotes.

Pretty sure y'all's little competition derailed the plan.

-Or did it? -It did. I derailed you.

Ha! So, you admit there was a plan to derail?

No… [stammers] …shit. Hang on, I--

-[gunshot] -[groans]

Do I have your attention?

Not really, no.

-[gunshot] -[screams]

Have you ever heard that you catch more flies with honey?

-[gunshot] -[groans] Right in the same hole.

[coughs] Probably just luck.

-[gunshot] -[groans, coughs] It's not luck.

Same hole again. This guy's good.

Okay, you have his attention.

Still can't believe you're not nonhierarchical.

A lie for my protection.

If no one believes there's a leader, there's no leader to find.

But you know, someone has to write the checks

and decide which holidays to take off.

Oh, we've got someone like that.

She's, uh, new at the job, but I feel confident saying she's bad at it.

It's certainly not going to help that she's lost an entire team.

Wh-Wh-What? What? What? What?

Why tie us up if you're just gonna shoot us right away?

Why give 60 men concussions?

You have your process, and I have mine.

Wait. Are you really the leader of the Vanguard?

-Yes. -But really? Really, really?

-[sighs] Yes. -Great.

-[gunshot] -[grunts]

W-What the hell just happened?

-[gasps] Is that-- -[Zara] Step 12.

Archer has a shoe phone. I have a shoe gun.

Seems more useful.

Oh, also, that's 31 to 30, so I win.

Step 12?

I thought we were still on step nine.

Zara, I'm gonna tell you what I told the dry cleaner

who got yuzu off my yukata.

You might be a genius.

Yeah, you might.

-[alarm blaring] -[automated message] Warden down.

Vanguard base to self-destruct in five minutes.

The base explodes if the warden dies?

Does the new leader have to build a completely new base?

I'm a little more concerned about how we're all tied to chairs

in a building that's about to explode.

So, genius, what part of the plan is this?

Technically, the plan only went up to killing the leader of the Vanguard.

So, I guess the plan is to blow up in five minutes.

New plan. [strains]

Hope that the shoe phones are waterproof. [strains]

Archer?

You'll have to speak up. I'm calling on a long-distance shoe.

[Lana] We'll be there in five minutes.

[Krieger] Although, full disclosure, the airline lost our bags,

so we don't have any weapons or beach clothes.

Uh, additional full disclosure, we're blowing up in four minutes.

-What? -Okay, tell them we have one knife.

Oh. Where did you get that?

Uh, I brought it.

-On the plane? -It's ceramic.

[Archer] Lana, in case we explode, I want you to know, I never respected--

-[line disconnects] -Archer? Archer?

Battery must be dead.

I told him I could've fit more batteries in a kitten heel.

On the bright side, now that we're tied to chairs instead of a cave ceiling,

I can move close enough to do this.

[scoffs] Do what? Kick the air near me?

You know that wasn't my intent.

Fight toward an exit. We've got three minutes.

[sighs]

All you'd have to do is sit here,

and you'd never have to deal with any of them ever again.

And miss all that good TV? No.

[grunts]

-[grunts] -[straining, grunting]

[all grunting]

[grunts]

[grunting]

-[grunting] -Ow! [grunting]

Just let me go first.

-[grunts] I'd rather die. -You're about to.

You don't know my explosion tolerance.

Grudge later, you dicks.

Oh, thank God. I'm so glad to see you. [grunts]

-[screams, grunts] -[grunts]

Thirty-one! We tied!

[sighs] Thank God. We're not too late.

-[explosion] -[gasps]

Not too late for what? S'mores?

[Cyril] Oh, my God.

They're-- They're gone.

They're-- They're really gone.

If we can find even a shred of DNA,

I can bring them back in the bodies of dogs.

Any dogs you want. Collies, Labradors, pugs.

Look!

How do I keep forgetting I can do that?

Because you don't want to admit to yourself that you're an abomination?

Oh, there it is.

-Lana Kane. -Zara Khan.

So, the leader of the Vanguard is dead. Their facility is destroyed.

I believe Interpol would consider that a mission accomplished.

Congratulations.

And better luck next time, Lady Cannon.

Uh, more like same luck this time.

I got the final guard on the way out, which means we tied.

-What do you say to that? -Step 5-B.

Provide a metaphorical fig leaf for your limp, wilting ego.

[gasps] There were sub-steps?

There were sub-steps.

Uh, what's happening on this mission?

A commercial airline made a powerful enemy.

Your attitude was tanking the mission, so I gave you a goal to get you in line.

It's not a contest.

But it could be.

You thought you were proving you were a loose cannon.

I had you tied down the whole time.

No, that's-- I--

This doesn't make you the loose cannon.

Oh, I'm not a loose cannon. I'm more a shotgun filled with scalpels.

Ooh, I'm getting one of those.

How have I not made one of those?

Hmm. Maybe I don't need to go back in the field after all.

How would you like a new job?

Would I have to relocate? I'm based in Europe.

Oh, uh--

And if I do relocate, is there a moving stipend?

Also, am I under a fixed contract?

Who deals with my immigration status?

And if I quit, do I get to keep the stipend?

Uh, I'm sure that we can do, um--

No. I'm fucking with you.

I've been looking for a new challenge,

and you seem like a better boss than those Interpol pricks.

But I want what Archer makes, plus $1.

[gasps] On what basis?

On the basis that I was the best at Interpol.

I'll be the best at whatever you guys are.

Deal. You are hired.

What?

You know, I sort of liked flying commercial.

There was more bondage than I expected.

What just happened?

I think you just got a new partner who technically makes more than you.

[scoffs] Like I care.

Cyril, do you think she knows I don't care?

-I don't know. -Well, she needs to, because I don't.

Zara? Zara?

Zara?