All language subtitles for Archer_S14E01_The Anglerfish Stratagem.en.closedcaptions

[phones ringing]

[elevator dings]

Forward to HR.

Hmm. Not quite.
Fix section two and bring it to my office.

Open door policy.

Tell them no. And swear a lot.

I expect foulness and creativity.

Hey, how was your weekend?
Do not care. Where's the booze?

[sighs] I'm sure you're capable
of finding a drink on your own.

Come on. Where would I find--

I'll consider this an apology.

Wow. You guys actually look pretty good.

Thank you for noticing.
I am on a new fitness regimen.

I've been practicing on the range.

Didn't practice the spinning, though.
Which I thought would be easier.

And I feel like there's only a 10% chance

I'll attack my coworkers' eyes
with stainless steel kebab skewers.

I mean, you should really be at zero.

[inhales deeply] Now it's up to 20.

-[yells]
-Yeah. You're all still pretty good.

All right. Back to basics here.

Missions that make us money
and make the world a better place.

No muss, no waste.

That certainly explains these guys.

-You, uh, ready for us to start?
-Yep.

We're all about efficiency,
so you can start now.

[grunting]

So, this no waste thing, Lana.

How does that jive
with your office remodel?

It's part of my new
philosophy: true transparency.

The walls of my office will be glass.

Isn't it a contradiction for
a spy agency to be so transparent?

-No.
-Why not?

Because shut up.

[clears throat] I mean, that's not
really constructive right now, Cyril.

Nice save. I don't think anyone noticed.

Could you keep it… [inhales deeply] …down?

For just a minute
until the briefing is over.

Mission one of our new era.

The Vanguard is a crew
of international jewel thieves.

Ex-Special Forces, highly organized.

They have stolen billions.

Who cares about shiny rocks?

Unless-- [gasps]
Are we working for magpies?

Ray.

Y'all, this is our tryout
to work with Interpol.

One of their agents
is asking us for the assist.

-Wow.
-Interpol?

This could really put us on the map.

And that map is of Paris, France, Europe.

Nice. Who thinks I can eat
a whole baguette without chewing?

Bets on the table. Odds are two-to-one.

-[Ray] Obviously you can.
-[Cheryl] Pass.

Oh, right. You guys saw that one.

Pretty impressive. And it did make
for an entertaining funeral brunch.

Pam, with all the new hires,
I need you here to keep an eye on HR.

But… [stammers] …Paris.

And-- Oh. Sorry.

Thought I had it. Didn't have it.

But come on.
I can do both at the same time.

Just like solemnly paying
your last respects and inhaling carbs.

Exactly. Thank you.

I'll do HR stuff
from the phone over there.

Ugh. All right.

Pam, you'll go with Archer and Ray.

Uh, I like Paris.

Yeah. I need you here
to get Accounting up to speed.

Pam gets to go.

-Yeah, but we like her.
-Okay.

We get this right, and we'll have
all the Interpol work we can eat.

It's all part of our new beginning.

And with that, continue.

[grunts]

And in the interest of new beginnings,

maybe we keep this to ourselves.

-[gasps] B-b-b…
-Don't worry, Lana.

He was probably just gasping
at your progressive leadership.

Body!

No. It was the body.

Why does everyone stand up?

It's not like we're going anywhere.

-You're standing up.
-Otherwise, I'll lose my spot.

[grunts]

Look at me like that again
and I'll slap you like a Huguenot.

Dude, you need to chill.

The wine they have in France is l'mazing.

Uh, yeah. This stuff's from Quebec, and
I think it's made from beaver squeezings.

Ah, the French.

Where's the romance? The intrigue?

Spies do not fly coach.

But they do apparently
yell about how they're spies.

Misdirection, everyone.

Who's this Interpol douche anyway?

All it said was "Agent Z."

Probably some washed-up hack.

A bureaucratic mushroom feeding
on the decaying corpse of Europe,

giving come-hither looks to his--

-Shotgun!
-Shotgun.

Oh, damn it.

Zara Khan. Interpol.

We weren't expecting someone
with your profile.

Or bone structure.

-Well, it's a blessing and a curse.
-Uh, what's the curse?

Pretending there's a curse part.

L'zing.

So, you are officially
independent consultants

joining me on a fact-finding mission.

And unofficially?

Unofficially, I'd recommend
a more modern hairstyle.

Double zing.

I would, but I'd be arrested
by the US Park Service

for desecrating
a national… [grunts] …treasure.

Uh, you in a hurry here?

Always.

Wait. What are we doing?

Like I said, fact-finding.
We're just chasing down a lead.

-[grunts]
-[grunts]

Jesus. Um, was it in that guy's skull?

Doesn't look like it.

But I bet there are more skulls in here.

Well, it's not one of mine.

Wait. W-What do you mean, one of yours?

Well, this one has the right number
of heads, and look at those hands.

[chuckles] Zero embedded poison sacs.

Well, we're in luck.
The teeth are well-preserved.

Okay. Cross-reference those
with our dental records.

I don't know what that means.
I just think teeth are neat.

"Hey, bones, get back inside." "No."
[chuckles]

So, we're calling the police, right?

Since we're so aboveboard now.

Yeah, this is an internal matter.

Internal.

Like my fingers in this dead guy's mouth.

Internal like I'm going to gently convince
and/or threaten the guy that saw this

so he forgets all about it.

Go get him.

[clears throat] I think he just walked in.

Well, that saves time.

Tell me where the Eye Of The Serpent is!

-[homeowner stammers]
-Are we straight-up robbing this guy?

He doesn't look like a cat burglar.

-Because he's clearly a dog person?
-Don't say "dog person."

-Boom! Got it in.
-No, you did not.

Whoa. Uh, guys.

If you don't tell me,
it's your pinkie or your pug.

-[homeowner whimpering] Oh, Muffin.
-[Zara] Your choice.

I-I-I-I-I can't choose.

Guess it's both.

-Three, two…
-Oh, no. Oh, no. Don't. [stammers]

I'll tell. I'll tell. [whimpers, sniffles]

[whimpering]

I wouldn't have shot the dog.

And the finger?

I've always thought ten is a lot.

Oh, mints.

[whimpering]

This is a real roller coaster.

She knows how to handle herself though.

I don't trust her.

This whole thing is designed
to bond us to her through intense emotion.

-You gotta fight it.
-Jesus Christ.

-You worry too much.
-That is famously not my problem.

-Tell her.
-He gets shot, like, all the time.

And safe sex? Forget it.

He is absolutely
riddled with God-knows-what.

The doctors sure don't.

-Good to know.
-Do you think she likes me?

-You're pathetic.
-[electronic beeping]

I've done all I can.

That's three-inch glass that can
only be opened by the insurance company.

Bollocks. Guess we should
probably just give up.

Unless-- Did anyone
bring a hypersonic punch?

Huh? [stammers]

[gasp] I guess I did.

[whirring]

You'll wanna get behind something.

Is there any practical difference between
what we just did and blatant crime?

Mmm, it's more the attitude.

-Uh, s--
-Do not say it.

I forbid it.

-Sploosh.
-I heard that!

And I am sorry you were privy
to that internal discussion.

We try to keep things lighthearted.

Not a problem.

Though I have already informed
everyone about the body

because of our stated values
of openness and transparency.

Cheryl! Go get me some staples. Please.

[groans] Wait, you're right.

Those will totally hurt more.

Thank you, Kurt.
I am glad to hear you did that.

-You are?
-Obviously.

Because I'd already scheduled a town hall

where I'll be very happy
to hear everyone's concerns.

Uh-huh.

Does it bother you that Cheryl
has a kebab skewer holster?

Hmm. Not as much as it should.

All right. You need to tell us
what's going on, like, now.

-Because--
-Ooh.

She's got a little slideshow.

Last week, the Vanguard stole
a sculpture called the Golden Dragon

from a private collector.

This, the emerald we stole today,
was originally one of its eyes.

We steal the second
tomorrow from the National Gallery.

Questions?

Um, feels more like a crime spree.

How does this get us to the Vanguard?

I've chased these guys for years.

They're impenetrable.

The only time they interact with outsiders
is when they recruit new members.

Wai-- So, we're basically
rushing the Vanguard's fraternity?

No thanks.

My doctor says I have to
cut down on getting paddled

or I'll develop
something called "dead ass".

What? Sorry my life's cooler than yours.

And Interpol is fine with this?

-In theory.
-That means no.

Every time I've gotten close
to these guys, they bolt.

We're pretty sure we have a mole,

which is why we hired you guys.

Let's all get some rest.

Today you were just backup,
but tomorrow is the real deal.

So, we're turning her in
to the cops, right?

If the French have cops
and not mimes with invisible guns.

What are you talking about?

Stealing jewels, pretending there's a mole
in Interpol so we don't contact them.

She's obviously part of Vanguard and even
more obviously gonna double-cross us.

Okay.

And you're sure you're not just saying
that because you're intimidated by her?

And she is not at all into you?

One: she's obviously into me

because I can read the subtle art
of reverse body language.

And two: I'm not into her.

You seem pretty worked up, bud.

Things will look better
if you go have a glass of wine,

meditate, then gaze down at
the Paris streets while you rub one out.

That's what this gal's gonna do.

I mean, I wasn't gonna do that,
but I think I have new plans.

Yeah. You guys are probably right.
Maybe I am overreacting.

[chuckles] I'll just call it a night.

[chuckles] Misdirection.

God, I hate being right all the time.

Wait. No, I don't. It's the best.

Ah, the perfect place to meet up
with your Vanguard buddies.

Mmm. Mmm. Wow.

Mmm. That's pretty good.

You should order that again.

Ah, the perfect place to…

be backstabbed by your friends.

-You what?
-I said the first part over there.

Come on. We're just hanging out.

-Monsieur, une chaise?
-Make it two, pal.

Wow. Going pretty hard, huh?

Oh, you haven't seen me go hard.

I think a lot of ladies
haven't seen you go hard.

[chuckles] Also,
you just ordered two chairs.

Can you please keep it down?
Everybody's looking at us.

Look, Archer, you seem pretty steamed,
so I figured I'd let you cool off.

But I just wanna
get to know you guys better.

Yeah, probably to probe for weaknesses.

-Sure it's not about something else?
-Yeah.

They told me how someone posing as
an Interpol liaison kidnapped your child.

That must have been really hard.

Well, I guess it was to-- Wait a second.

Why are you giving her
information about my family?

And don't try to plum
my psychological depths because,

I assure you, I don't have any.

Pam, you're in contact with Lana.

What does she think of all this?

Um, I actually turned my phone off
to concentrate on the mission

because I'm a professional.

Oh, boy.

HR won't respond to our complaints.

All we're asking is a simple
workplace safety question.

How did the body get in the wall?

And how long has it been there?

Glad you asked. Well, our working theory
is that the person in question

was rehearsing a one-man show
of The Cask of Amontillado that,

mmm, got a little out of hand.

What? No. That is not what--

Or it was someone annoying
we needed to get rid of.

-[office workers] Ah!
-[Kurt] Seriously?

For the love of God, Cheryl.

Yes. Right.

For the love of God.

Look, in the spirit of openness, we don't
know how the body got in the wall,

but you all signed
a non-disclosure agreement

and a declaration that you might
see disturbing things at this job.

So, let's all get back to work, okay?

♪ Who wants vegan protein mini-muffins? ♪

-Ugh, screw you.
-[office workers] Ugh.

[office worker] Ugh. Come on.

Cyril, I need you to do
a thorough background check

on Interpol agent Zara Khan.

-I think she's a mole.
-I'm kind of busy, Archer.

Oh. I'm sorry.
Well, in that case, do it anyway!

Damn it! I said, get the same one.

Now no one gets it.

So, we're really following
this obvious turncoat

into a situation
that will probably get us killed?

And we're really gonna sit here
and listen to rhetorical questions?

It wasn't rhetorical.

-Or was it?
-Yeah-- Who's to say?

Look, if you're so worked up about it,
just run a background check on her.

Well, in fact, I did.

And she has a perfect record of arrests
on every case she's done,

which is the perfect cover.

I say we kill her.

[chuckles] Come on. Let's go.

Sorry. Hate to question you,
but should we maybe wait till it's closed?

It is. Private event, so more security.

Just means more chances
for us to make them look silly.

Gotta love that moxie.

I'm a little rusty. Moxie is French
for terrible decision, right?

Spoken like a man with moxie.

It's not called moxie in men,
it's called just being a man.

Oh. So, it's called double standard?

[scoffs] No. You don't call it that.

Man, what a shit show.

Who was this for?

Gertrude Ederle?
Because I am swimming in this.

-I mean, mine fits great.
-Yours is okay. Mine is amazing.

I'm sorry, Archer.
I was just going by memory.

And I guess, in my mind--

-Here it comes.
-…you have a gut.

-You call this a gut?
-Quiet! And no.

Honestly, it's really impressive
for someone your age.

-[stammers] G--
-Ray. Pam.

Go to the rotunda and cause a diversion.

-A big one.
-Ye-- Uh, in front of everybody?

Archer, come with me.

And stay close
so I don't double-cross you.

Oh, sure. Joke about
the thing you're actually gonna do.

That's convincing everybody.

Uh, looking a little green there, buddy.

Kinda have a thing about looking silly
in front of fancy people.

In high school, I was a waiter
at the nicest restaurant in town,

and it wasn't great.

[people in restaurant laughing]

[laughing] Boy, you're never
gonna amount to nothing.

You'll stay a fool.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

That was the nicest restaurant?

Well, it was a small, very shitty town.

Well, now you can
purge yourself of your fear.

Embrace the chaos.

Well, whatever this is,
at least it won't be--

The wedding reception
of an archduke and a movie star.

Pam, I can't do this.

Come on. Nobody knows who you are.

Excuse moi. Didn't you win
the bronze medal in the giant slalom?

Sorry. I'm just a giant skiing fan.

My whole table is.

Everyone, everyone, look who I just met.

No. I'm leaving.

-Ow!
-How dare you speak to me that way!

-Come on. Hit me.
-I'm not ruining this wedding.

That's what you think.

-You knave!
-What-- They're rich, not medieval.

-[grunting]
-[grunts]

[wedding guests gasp]

[security guard 1] Attention. Attention.

All guards, to the ballroom.

Okay. You can see both exits from here.

Stay and keep watch.

Oh, so you can
grab the jewel and slip out,

like the snake you are.

-How would a snake grab a jewel?
-With its tongue, obviously.

They're prehensile.

Okay, I still have questions
about how it crawls,

but I'm gonna go grab this thing instead.

You know nothing about nature.

And I'm coming with.

From here on out, I am attached to you.

Oh, what? Like a male anglerfish.

Good reference. But I'm still mad.

Hey. Who are you guys?

Oh, hey. I'm Officer Night.

You might be wondering my first name.

Officer? We're not officers. [grunts]

First name, Good.

Good night. Aw. I don't think he gets it.

Well, smash-and-grab time.

That way. You lead.

There is no way
I'm turning my back on you.

[both grunt]

I would have gone left.

Ugh. Stop backseat escaping.

I don't care. Get it done.

Yeah, I'm on it. Hold on a sec.

-[grunts]
-[grunts]

Usually, HR complaints
don't involve a dead body,

a town hall to discuss the dead body

and then a blatant lie
involving Edgar Allan Poe.

Ouch.

I'm on the goddamn phone!

-[grunting]
-Oh.

Sorry, your Archduke-ness.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Not like violence against an archduke
ever led to something bad.

I'll come up with something for you, Lana.

If I wanted to be a career babysitter,

I would have majored in sociology
at a regional community college.

Fucking fix it!

-Here you are, Ms. Arch--
-Oh, my God. I'm Malory.

-Sorry.
-You know, systems of power-- [grunts]

Go print an invoice.

Huh? Jeezy peats.

Archer, we weren't hired by Interpol.

There's a zero instead of the O.
It's a fake!

Interpol didn't hire us. You did.

It's not what you think.

What I think is that you give me
that emerald, and I take you to the cops.

Or mimes, or whatever.

I'm afraid I can't do that.

I am not cleaning that up.

We're not so different, you and I.

Wait. I know how that sounds,
but seriously.

You're the mole at Interpol.

[chuckles] Intermole.

Damn it. It was right there.

You saw my record.

People at Interpol have been trying to
sabotage me because I make them look bad.

So I hired you personally
to catch the Vanguard.

Then why were you buying us all drinks

and trying to find out
personal stuff about us?

Because Interpol is Snore City,
and you guys are fun.

We do kinda rule.

But honestly, the real reason
I hired you is I just have to win.

And I knew you would come through.

-[grunting]
-[grunting]

[both yell]

[pants]

I've got a motorcycle
stashed on the stairwell.

Can I drive down the stairs
on the motorcycle?

If you're okay with me sitting behind you.

I accept.

Oh. Sorry. Uh, reflex.

No. No, I-- No, I-- I get it.

I mean… [chuckles] …look at me.

Whoo-hoo!

Motorcycle!

Do you have to do that?

Let me answer your question with a whoo!

You know, we make a great team.

Hard to disagree.

I think if we take some time
building up our trust level…

Then you're really gonna hate this.

-Decoy.
-[yells, grunts]

[police officers yell]

-[police officers grunting, groaning]
-Okay, now I hate being right.

Excuse me.
Can I have your attention, please?

Well, first off,
I want to apologize for yesterday.

I really wish Cyril wouldn't have
gone off script and lied to you.

Goddamn it.

But you should all know
this is a spy organization.

We do dangerous work, and that means
you're gonna see some crazy-ass shit.

So while I will try to be
as transparent as possible,

as transparent as possible
is not gonna be very transparent.

-Well, that is not acceptable.
-Hold up there, face nuts.

The boss is talking.

Is this part of your assistant duties?

-The only part of the job I like.
-[whimpers]

And let me tell you,
this will absolutely not be

the most messed up thing
you're gonna see here.

Wanna leave? Go ahead.
Wanna stay? You just got a 5% raise.

[humming, grunting]

Any questions?

Hey, Jim.

Do you have those quarterly reports?

Wow. Pam sure does know her shit.

Blame Cyril, tough love, raise.

So, you still gonna do the glass walls?

Well, you know what they say,

"People who live in glass houses
are fucking morons."

As soon as she pretended
not to be into me, I knew.

Traitor. Goddamn it.

These apologies from Pam and Ray

better be absolutely,
abject, 360-degree tongue baths.

Hey. You made it. I knew you would.

Wh-- H-- What the--

It was the only move. No time to explain.

But we do need to
introduce you to someone.

This is Pavle.

Yeah, he's apparently
with some sort of group called,

like, I wanna say the Vanguard.

Did I get that right?

And he wants to talk to us
about maybe joining up.

And I think we, us thieves,
should hear him out.

Oh, well.

-Hello. [gasps]
-[grunts]

[yells]

[laughing]

Hi.