Original subtitles

This is it. The slightest misstep means disaster.

[exhales] Ah. My best work yet.

[sighs] Sadly, I think you're right.

Another one for the maybe pile. Mmm.

[laughing]

Cheryl, I love you. But if you don't start helping,

I'm gonna snap your vertebrae like pistachios.

Aw, that does sound like love.

Come on, we need 100 of those by the end of the day.

Well, since we're not gonna make it anyway, it won't matter if you eat one.

You know I'm trying to keep that under control.

Why do you think I'm doing it?

-[sizzles] -[screams]

[screams, groans]

[laughs] I saw you lick crumbs off your face. I win.

-You okay? -Why was it so hot?

Were you wearing oven mitts?

What are those?

Damn it! What are you idiots doing?

You tell us, ass face.

You say we're on a secret mission to destroy Fabian,

and we've been undercover for three weeks in this bakery.

It's a patisserie.

And it's not like I love having you mess up my profitable side business.

That you use as a personal slush fund.

Obviously that.

Wait, where's the other guy? Weirdbeard Sciencedick.

Everyone knows that sourdough starter is alive.

But the question remains, is it horny?

-[glass shatters] -Listen up. Our intelligence says

that Fabian will venture out into the open soon.

Then you'll kill him.

Wait, this is a straight up assassination?

What are you, children? Yes.

He's blackmailed the president of Manatina into declaring martial law

and is turning the whole country into his personal fiefdom.

Why not just have CIA hit men do it?

First off, the CIA doesn't have hit men.

Second, they're busy.

Third, we can't have our fingerprints on this.

Unlike every pastry you ding-dongs make.

[laughs] Yeah. It would be a real shame if the CIA got a bad name.

All I'm saying is that we can't have blowback. So if I get captured--

-Put a bullet in your head? -No! Jesus.

Just rescue me. You were way too quick with that.

And the fewer CIA people we have involved, the better.

-We might have a mole. -Oh, you don't say.

I mean, at this point,

isn't Langley considered a national wildlife refuge?

You've got so many rodents in the CIA that the C probably stands for

Chuck E. Cheese.

Why are you thinking about Chuck E. Cheese?

'Cause you wanna go there with the kid you got tricked into having

who no longer sees you as her father?

Or maybe the other kid you had with a hooker?

Whoa. Jesus, Slater.

The C stands for Central. It's a soft C.

[cell phone buzzes]

All right, let's go kill a guy.

So, we've got a man on the inside.

He says Fabian is leaving the presidential residence soon.

And the only route takes him through the central square

and right by us here at the Confectionery Institute of the Americas.

-Subtle. -I don't do subtle.

Has anyone ever explained to you what a spy is?

Has anyone ever explained to you what alcoholism is?

Yeah, like, dozens of times.

Okay, this is our kill box.

Oh, great. The only problem I have with this is that it is insane.

You can't put a kill box in a public square.

Hmm, let me look.

Yeah, I can.

If you don't want to do this mission, it is your God-given right as an American

to go home and face the crimes you've all been framed for.

Honestly, not one of my favorite rights.

Move over, quartering of soldiers.

This is President Lucero, until now a progressive reformer.

But she's been blackmailed and possibly taken hostage by Fabian

and a security team led by our friend, Ray Gillette.

[gasps] Hey, I know that guy!

-Look, Cheryl, Fairy Stix. -[squeals]

I always carry some. Continue.

Wait. How are we gonna take out Fabian without hitting Ray?

I mean, he's being a douche.

But if being a douche were a capital offense,

we'd have to carpet-bomb Wall Street.

And, frankly, seems expensive.

Look, Ray made his choice.

And this might be our only chance before Fabian solidifies control.

Aw, but it's Ray.

I just-- [sobs] I just put so much awesome tech in him.

He's more machine now than man.

Look, I get it. I'm human. And I'm sensitive to your feelings here.

But if it comes down to it, shoot Fabian through Ray's goddamn head.

What about her?

She's not our concern.

It's the CIA's policy not to intervene in other countries' internal politics.

Or you're hoping this mess will get her deposed,

and you can replace her with a right-wing dictator.

-Touché. -I think it's pronounced "Pinochet."

Whatever. Be ready in half an hour.

Not to be sentimental, but if Ray does die,

I'd like my stuff back from his corpse.

[sniffles] Did anybody bring a chainsaw?

-Everybody ready? -Yeah, but it's weird not having Ray here.

Come on. He'd probably just make some crack

about how I'm unreliable and drunk,

which is so unfair.

[laughs] Yeah, he'd say something like,

"If only we had to kill your liver, we could just wait ten minutes."

-[chuckles] Okay. -"Easy, 007 & 7."

-Okay. -"If I wanted a partner that pissed,

I'd team up with your underwear tomorrow morning."

Okay! Jesus. Now I really do wanna kill him.

Do you really think he's gone bad?

I mean, he did give all our secrets to Fabian.

And before that, he was working at IIA without telling us.

And he was really touchy about the snakebite thing

and the spider bite thing.

I mean, come on, get over it.

I did, like, immediately.

Okay. We'll have a better shot at not killing Ray

if we adjust these positions slightly--

I've got it, Lana. Here's what we do.

Okay, so the first task is blocking the exit.

Cheryl, that's on you.

"Father of Freedom, may you stand and watch over us

until the last trumpet plays."

Yikes.

We're gonna need a trumpet.

[Archer] Pam, after that,

you'll join Cyril at the entrance so they can't retreat.

So, we're, uh, really doing this?

No. You're dreaming. That's why this doesn't hurt.

[yelps]

[Archer] Lana, you're eagle eye. Call out threats.

If you've got a clear shot, take it.

Meanwhile, I will ready myself for combat

using spiritual techniques that owe much to Spartan and Maori ritual.

Excuse me. I asked for a martini,

not a liquid analogue of your character: weak and disappointing.

I'm seeing an alleyway that's not on the map.

Could be a possible escape route. We should shift--

Lana, quick question. Are you Laszlo Toth?

[sighs] I am not.

Then why are you despoiling my perfect work of art?

Fabian will be in the middle of the motorcade, well past the alley.

It'll be fine!

Motorcade approaching. Three cars. Thirty seconds to contact.

Let's pucker and poke her, boys.

-[Lana] Come on. -Really?

Look, as leader, you need to clear a new catchphrase with me

before you trot it out in front of everybody

like a brain-damaged, suicidal circus horse.

Wink your stinks. No time to think.

What did I just say?

Everyone, shut up. Cheryl, are you ready to detonate?

-Ready. -[person] Miss?

Less ready. Not ready.

Abort. Abort.

Just throw it!

-[grunts] -[tires screeching]

[laughs] It was the last trump--

Ugh. It hit the woodwinds.

-[gunshot] -[tires screech]

[crash]

[Archer] Converge on car two.

[Lana] No, do not converge. He might not be--

Ignore. Converge!

Also, abort that last order, just for spite.

Nobody's here.

[Lana] Come on, Ray. Bend down and tie your shoe or something.

I don't have the shot. I repeat, no shot.

Archer, the café.

-[bell jingles] -[clears throat, spits]

Oh, you little--

-[exclaims] -[glass shatters]

-[gun cocks] -Can't say I'm sorry, Fabian.

What the shit, Ray. You're gonna take a bullet for this douchehole?

Kinda hoping not to. But I'm not the one pointing a gun at me.

He made the only rational choice, Archer. You should do the same.

An entire country at your disposal. Every appetite fulfilled.

Ha! My appetites will never be fulfilled, Fabian.

Because I am ultimately empty, is, I guess, what I'm arguing.

But it doesn't matter. You can't do a hostile takeover of a whole country.

You'll get thrown out eventually.

True, if I didn't have leverage.

We discovered the world's biggest deposit of the rare earth metal Hexon downriver.

Thanks for getting me a sample last time you were here.

Come on, Ray. We have to save the Agency.

It's Mother's legacy. That has to mean something to you.

Don't guilt-trip me.

You didn't even come see me in the hospital

when you got me bitten by that snake.

-[giggles] -And now you're giggling about it?

I am not. Ray, I swear, I was thinking of something else.

[laughing]

It was the spider.

Well, now I found someone who knows what loyalty means.

-[grunts] -Sorry,

it was just the perfect moment for that.

You idiot.

Oh, I'm the idiot? You just got double-crossed.

I was playing him.

But that doesn't make any-- Okay, that might make a little sense.

But why didn't you kill him?

Because I'm not gonna kill the one person who can actually clear our names!

You think Slater cares enough to do it?

And now we don't even have anybody on the inside.

That's where you're wrong, Ray. Slater has a mole.

I'm the mole.

Wow, he was totally willing to kill you to get to Fabian.

What a fricking shock.

I was trying to set this up

so we could capture Fabian and have him clear our names.

So you just made this whole thing infinitely harder, ass.

Well, obviously. But-- But what about--

[sighs]

But wait, then-- Ah, shit.

Well, yet another successful mission for the ass-for-head gang.

Yeah, well, maybe you could've told us Ray was your man on the inside.

How would that've helped?

Maybe they wouldn't have almost killed me?

No. I mean, how would that help me?

And how do we even know you're not playing both sides right now?

Well, don't answer all at once, y'all.

[groans] Now I have to bring in an independent kill team.

Where are you gonna find an independent kill team?

The CIA. We'll just make them all change their shirts.

The point is, you're all demoted to support.

And if we don't agree?

Good luck getting through the airport metal detector

with my steel-toed boot up your ass.

And even if you made it back to America, you'd still all be felons.

-Seriously? -Come on.

Yeah, that's right. Now I have to go talk to the real professionals.

And get those fucking muffins done!

-So, y'all baking now? -Shut up, Ray.

No, I won't shut up.

Can we acknowledge y'all were wrong about me?

Do you honestly still think I've gone over to Fabian?

And that's unlikely why?

Okay, that's fair. But I'm back now.

And I think we should call it "Raydemption."

How about "possibly not a Ray-ging asshole"?

-Emphasis on "possibly." -I like mine better.

Look, it kinda seems like we're cornered here.

So maybe we just do the job and sort it out later.

No! No, that is not what we're doing.

Look, my whole thing with IIA was to go with the flow, do my job and go home.

And look where that got us!

There is no way we get out of this if we just hope things turn out okay.

We have to take control.

Yeah. That's a fun series of words, Lana, but so is Mad Libs.

Okay, so how's this?

We pretend to work support, go rogue,

grab Fabian, get him out of the country and use him to clear our names.

-Well, that I do like. You got a plan? -Always.

So, to be clear, are we or aren't we playing Mad Libs?

Either way, my response is boobs.

[Slater] Listen up, failures.

What I need you to do is nothing.

Sit here and smell each other's farts until I say.

We may need you for a distraction. Or something.

Okay, we don't have much time before the heavy hitters get here.

Since it's my plan, shouldn't I be the one talking?

That goes against my every instinct, but we don't have time to argue.

So, I'm gonna keep talking because it feels natural.

Ray, you can't go in because they know your face,

but you know the layout and the security holes,

so you're gonna be crucial on the radio.

We're counting on you.

-Really? -Good Lord!

Hey, Ray risked his life for us! So shut up and get going!

Hey, Ray. I just wanna say that I appreciate the sacrifices you made.

Finally, someone. Thank you.

But if you do betray us, I'll flay you under a lemon juice waterfall.

I'll make an Aztec blood sacrifice look like a Girl Scout jamboree.

Now gulp, and then say, "Yes, Lana."

[gulps, whispers] Yes, Lana.

Ooh! Oh, buddy. Sorry about Lana,

because I think she was a little too lenient.

And speaking of jamborees,

I will roast marshmallows over your burning but still barely alive body!

Y'all's level of trust is truly inspiring.

Ready?

Uh, not sure. You wanna give me a speech about my plan before we go?

Don't be petty, Lana. It's unbecoming.

Don't forget your bag.

-[Archer groans] -[water splashes]

So petty.

Oh, no, wait. That was my bag.

What are you doing here?

We're… delivering pastries?

What is this mierda?

Don't be a dick.

That one's pretty good. I even put my name on it.

[clears throat] Excuse me. Is there a problem here?

Yes, Lana! I just stepped in a puddle of raw sewage.

In shoes that cost more than your car!

Well, if it makes you feel better, you could always get me a nicer car.

No, no, no. This isn't the solution, homies.

Let's just chill like krill.

They live in cold water?

[chuckles] Okay, all right, everyone.

Uh, I-- I know when I'm…

about to kick some ass!

[blows]

[coughing]

[grunting]

[groans]

-[giggling] -[agent groans]

Oh, wow. That looks bad.

Lana! Get out here!

I hate you!

Ow!

[grunts]

Hell yeah, Cyril! Get some!

I… just got some.

-[faucet running] -Oh, hey, Lana. Wow. You're here.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

I should be mad at you for not helping, but…

But what?

I stepped on you with the poop shoe.

[Pam] Oh. And one more thing.

Eat me.

[gagging]

We're ready.

Okay. Two guards flanking the door, and a third near the desk.

Cover on the left. In three, two, one, mark!

Freeze, Fabian. Or don't. I wouldn't really care either way.

Yet another misstep on your part.

I've got you right where I want you--

-[groans] -Jesus!

Yeah, sorry. I just couldn't listen to another goddamn speech.

You know what? Fair.

You! Come with us. It'll be safer for you.

Oh, ow!

Why?

[Archer] Because that!

A-Are you here to rescue me?

Uh, who are you again?

This is the president! She's being held hostage and blackmailed?

This one is different than the one we blackmailed with the bank stuff?

At this point, I honestly do not care.

[Ray] Across the hall!

Come on! Hurry!

Go! Go!

Fabian, I've been meaning to tell you something.

-[grunts] -Ow!

[tires screeching]

-[Lana] Why are you stopping? -Because that.

[protesters chanting in Spanish]

See, if this were my van, it'd be so much better.

Like we'd have knockout gas?

No, but when we get torn apart, we'd have a kick-ass soundtrack.

-[Ray] You-- No! -You shut up! Let her talk!

Shut up! Fabian is the target.

Archer and I are getting him out of here. The rest of you, scatter.

-Meet at the secondary rendezvous point. -But I can't go out there.

Uh, ten-second disguise. Go!

I've always meant to try this out.

It's ironic, but now that I have the confidence to wear it,

I want you to have it.

Please stop talking!

[laughs] She learns fast.

-Here. Take care of her. -How is your mustache a "her"?

I have this rule where I call anything "her" when it's more feminine than you.

There! Exit vehicle!

But I can't hot-wire it that fast.

For all its faults, IIA does have very good scientists.

Yeah, that totally outweighs the soul-crushing evil. Let's go!

[beeping]

-Where are you going? -[laughs]

[groans] Why are you torturing me?

For the same reason people climb Everest! Because they're awesome!

Where to now?

Ray! Need that emergency exit! One minute exactly!

Shut up and do it just like we planned! Mark! Make a left!

[tires screech]

Shit! I lost comms!

-[Archer] Where am I going, Lana? -Twenty seconds.

To what? He said, knowing the answer was death.

Go! Fifteen seconds.

-Ten. -Why are you counting down?

-I feel very out of the loop here. -Oh, imagine that.

Not needed, Fabian.

Head off the bridge at the third pillar! Ray's got us.

Are we really trusting Ray on this?

Three, two, one. Now!

[tires squealing]

[Archer] Oh, shit!

Trust me now?

[coughs] Sixty-forty.

-[Slater] What are you idiots doing? -Please hold.

It's for you.

Congratulations! I'm gonna spend the rest of my life ruining yours!

And you can kiss your little shit-box agency goodbye.

I can't count how many times

you've threatened to take the Agency from me, Slater

So let me say this.

Fuck your muffins.

[sighs]

Honestly, not the worst mission I've run.

In South America.

This year.

And we will take it from here.

[laughs] Interpol? You guys are still a thing?

Enough of a thing that we can pass what we know along to the US government

and clear your names. If we wanted to.

And you say…

-Thank you. We would like that. -Ah, that's a good lad.

Interpol? What is that?

Some kind of airfreight service that brings penguins to hungry polar bears?

-No. -Well, it should be.

You puny second-rate idiots!

You think this will stop me?

I cannot be defeated, only delayed!

-Uh, excuse me? There's-- -No, Cyril. Let the man speak.

When you see me next, it will be the moment that your life…

p-plunges… into… [whimpers]

Plunges into what?

-[screams] -[laughs]

Spider bite!

Oh, don't be a baby.

Wait, I still have one question.

Uh, what now?

Fabian did actually deposit two months of financial runway into our account.

Though it was just to frame us. So…

So, we're like a thing again?

Well, but who's in charge? Do we take a vote or something?

No, we don't.

Now, we all know that I am the greatest spy,

not only in the world, but in the history of the world.

Oh, my God.

But when it comes to strategy, Lana got us out of there

and made a deal with Interpol to clear our names.

Lana, the chair is yours.

Wow. Thank you, Archer.

That really means a lot.

Besides, I wanna drink and screw and not be responsible,

and there's no way I can do it from that chair.

Plus, you won't be in the way as much in the field.

[laughs] I am not giving up the field.

-Can I change my mind? -Speaking as your boss, no, you cannot.

I accept that.

Hey, Mother would be proud. Of both of us.

[clears throat] Let me say this. Ms. Kane, you are my supervisor.

Does this mean that you're actually gonna listen to me?

I'm sorry, what?

So, what's next?

Actually, I have a few ideas about that.

So, what are they? It's weird that you paused right there.

We all agree that's weird, right?

[clears throat]

Just a weird pause.