Original subtitles

[Fabian] This is the main vault of the Global Currency Bank of New York.

You will retrieve the contents of this safe deposit box tonight.

-Questions? -Uh, just one jillion.

-You want us to rob a bank? -Yeah, that was the first one.

Of course not.

-How is this not robbing a bank? -Because we won't use those words.

Yeah, that'll hold up in court.

Also, night, in general, is kind of a bad time for me.

I have experiments that I need to feed after midnight.

Not to be Mr. All About the Rules…

Hey, there's a first.

…but wouldn't this be crossing pretty big moral and ethical lines?

I'm sorry, but Cyril is r-r-r-right.

Wow. Saying that felt even worse than thinking it.

Yeah, the Agency isn't really in the business of committing pure crime…

-We're not? -…that isn't espionage-related.

Oh, okay. 'Cause I was gonna say, we kill people, like, all the time.

Oh, come on. It's not that bad. We'll be in and out. Easy-peasy.

Um, this sounds neither easy nor peasy.

And not that it's ever a great time to go to prison,

but I have my custody hearing for AJ coming up.

-And they tend to frown on recent felons. -Hey, maybe it's for a good cause.

Like, what if there's a baby monkey trapped in a box?

You could tell us that. I'm willing to believe it.

Oh, yes.

Let's say there is an extremely adorable little monkey in the box.

And the poor little fella needs to be retrieved

before open of business tomorrow at 9 a.m.

After that point, I'm afraid it'll be too late for the little chap.

But I can provide incentive.

If you do this, IIA will give you back ownership of the Agency,

along with a budget for the next six months.

Whoa. Really?

That would be enough to get us fully back up and running.

It sounds good, but let's see that in writing.

Well, I'll be damned. Notarized and everything.

Okay, Fabian. With my peerless leadership, we're gonna do this mission,

save the Agency, and when it's finished, I'm gonna laugh in your fat face.

Here's to complete, utter victory.

-So, uh, are all of you trapped? -Yep.

-Yep. -Yeah.

-[groans, grunts] -[grunts]

That monkey is doomed.

[Archer] So, in retrospect, it would've been good to know

that the vault door closes automatically after ten minutes.

Pam, any luck disabling it?

No, but I am totally stuck.

Tell me about it. These guys won't shut up.

My lower gluteus is about to-- well, I guess, really tear.

But-- Whoa! I'm fine.

I mean, not really. So what are we doing?

Well, our leader is incompetent. I'm this close to losing my daughter,

and now I'm trapped in a vault with the most irritating human being alive.

Um, comms went down when the vault closed.

-We can't hear them. They can't hear you. -Oh, I know. I just wanted you to hear it.

[sighs] As a leader, sometimes it's hard to admit,

but I have terrible followers.

[Ray] Ah, the mark of a true leader, passing the blame.

I didn't invent banks, Ray!

So direct your shitty comments to the Assyrians or possibly Sumerians!

Indus Valley also in the mix!

Will you shush it? There are guards right outside. But for the record,

a good leader slips the criticism in between a compliment sandwich.

Like, "Pam, great idea, getting up on the vault.

But next time, maybe try to demonstrate some basic spatial awareness.

Also, your skin has been glowing lately."

Yeah, what's up with that? Are you pregnant? Or in love?

Oh, wait, did you drink a bunch of nuclear waste?

Ew. No. Definitely not pregnant.

Can we just focus on not going to jail, please.

I have brunch plans.

You have a point, Pam. But also,

brunch is a stupid reason to not want to go to jail, so pipe down.

I have a plan.

Pam, you're gonna drill a hole in the vault

so we can reestablish communication with Lana and Cyril.

Krieger, you hack the intercom system

with an emergency announcement to cover the noise.

Gillette, while all the guards are distracted,

you'll be free to exit the closet,

find the security grid, and disable it for Krieger.

Now, I'm gonna go head into the executive offices upstairs

to find an override code for the vault.

[Pam] And also find more booze that you just ran out of?

You know, I was being nice before, Pam. Your skin doesn't look that much better.

-[Pam] What? -[Krieger] You are a monster, sir.

Fine. Getting a drink is a secondary part of the plan.

But I'm only being responsible.

I'm about to be sober for the first time in ten years.

If that hangover hits head-on, my bones will explode.

Krieger, you ready to hack into the sound system?

Okay. Doing this behind my back, but I'm pretty sure I got the right jack.

On my mark. Three. Two. One.

-[yells] -[high-pitched frequency ringing]

It may not have been the right one.

Goddamn it. Everyone just go with it.

Is it really that bad? I still mostly just hear my ears ringing.

Thanks, tinnitus.

Okay, security control room. That should be better labeled.

-Stop right there! -Whoa, whoa. Hold up.

I work here. It's my first day.

Is that how you say "hello"? With a gun?

Pretty much. Better safe than sorry.

If you were any more safe, there'd be a bunch of holes in me.

I meant safe for me.

Clearly. So can you show me around?

I still haven't seen the security grid setup.

Sure, but it's all pointless.

I don't know why these dinosaurs are so worried

about their precious physical dollars and cents. Money is an illusion.

That's an interesting take for a bank security guard.

Not really. I've seen things here.

The suits, the architecture, the green paper.

It's all symbolic. Like marriage and seagulls.

Wow, you are covering a lot of ground here.

So do you smoke grass? Or are you a narc?

Yes to the first. No to the second.

-You guys doing all right down there? -Uh, yeah, not so great.

We found the safe deposit box, but we can't get it open.

And Cyril, miraculously,

hasn't sucked all the air out of the room with all his stupid hyperventilating.

This is a very small space.

-[chuckling] Nice work, just Lana. -Ah, when the door closed,

I was in the middle of a strategy call for AJ's custody hearing with my lawyer.

Well, my friend who's a lawyer.

Which is why she's taking my call at 7:45. Crap! We need to hurry.

Don't worry. We'll get you out.

Then you can get back to making your friend's life miserable,

and I'll be on time for my brunch.

We'll be trapped in here till we die, our bodies decaying on the floor. [pants]

Oh, come on, hon. That's not true.

They'd remove our bodies way before they decayed.

And don't think of it as trapped. It could be kinda nice, right?

Just one person for the rest of your life.

You know, it kinda feels like we've switched subjects here.

But do you think the best audience for that talk

is the lady whose ex-husband is fighting for control of her daughter?

And is locked in a vault with her feckless ex-boyfriend?

And whose other ex-boyfriend got her stuck in here?

Can I say "no" now?

[Lana] You better.

Goddamn these young execs and their green juices.

Doesn't anyone have the decency to be drunk at work anymore?

Wait, kombucha has alcohol.

"May contain trace amounts of alcohol."

May? Trace? Two words that should never be near alcohol.

Hmm. Except on Cinco de Mayo. Or with Dick Tracy.

Or both. Man, that'd be a kick.

[Pam] Archer, I got out.

Those strippercize classes really helped with my shimmy.

You truly are a renaissance woman.

Though, I should say,

my knowledge of that era mostly comes from historically-themed pornography.

And I would like to see that. But, uh, not seeing much progress here.

[Archer] Ugh. Sorry, I'm a little fuzzy. I think that hangover's on its way.

Would you get your head in the game?

If we don't get out of here, we are risking a hostage situation,

civilian casualties and prison.

And I'll miss my 8:30 brunch reservation.

8:30? What kind of psychopath has brunch at 8:30?

-That's breakfast, Pam. -We can, and will, argue about that later.

But what do we do now?

Goddamn it. There's only one person who can help us.

[Cheryl cackling]

-[inhales sharply] -[phone ringing]

Wait, what was I laughing about?

Well, well, well. Look who came crawling back.

Hey, Neck Bones.

Oh, it's you. I thought it was someone else.

Their legs don't work.

-We need your help. -Oh,

and by "we," do you mean your longtime colleagues

who couldn't be bothered to reach out to their boss

after she was humiliatingly fired?

Yes. Totally fair.

Except you weren't the boss, I left a bunch of messages and you quit.

Oh, who's to say what is?

[Archer] Cheryl, we're stuck in a bank,

and we need you to open a VIP safe deposit box

to get Lana and Cyril out of the vault.

Okay, pretend to be an eccentric, out-of-touch oligarch.

No, you don't need to pretend. You are those things.

Oh! And this will be a great opportunity to use my self-taught demolition skills.

-No, don't bring bomb-- -[hangs up]

Well, that went something.

Pam, see if you can help Krieger.

I'll be down as soon as I possibly can, out.

[gasps] Whiskey. Thank the Kentucky gods.

A lesser man might find this humiliating, but a man such as I--

Yeah, forget it.

[gulps] Oh, my God.

[coughs]

That's the best drink I've ever had.

-Who the hell are you? -Oh, sorry. Was this yours?

Whoa, Susan, you must know Mr. Bank.

Hi, Susan! Yes, I'm Mr. Bank. And I work at a bank.

Sometimes I wonder, is that a coincidence?

Or did the name Bank create a subtle psychological pressure

for me to work at a bank.

Either way, I do my job all the time, and I do it well.

"You can bank on Bank," I always say.

Yeah, he does overseas stuff, so he has weird hours.

Probably why y'all haven't met.

How do you know this guy if it's your first day?

Because…

We're old pals. I got him the job.

He's been going through a rough time with all the embezzling and prostitution.

And mild cannibalism.

Don't worry, I went to rehab for all of that.

-[scoffs] Who hasn't? -[sniffs]

So is there any reason you guys smell like a Hacky Sack convention?

Is there a reason you smell like a narc?

-Is this guy a narc? -No way.

In fact, I bet he'd love to hear your theories

about alien infiltration of the World Court.

She's been telling me about it on our way to the security control room.

I, for one, think the aliens have been a positive influence.

You know what? That does sound fascinating.

-I'll join you. -Wonderful.

You know, you two are just like the sons I would have had

if I hadn't predicted that end-stage capitalism

would make it impossible to support a family on my salary.

Amen, sister.

Guys, my entire body is going numb, and not in the fun way.

Stay strong, buddy.

Focus on all the weird science shit you'll get to do when you get out of here.

[grunts] Yes. No holding back anymore.

I'll expose all the truths "science" is too scared to admit.

Oh, boy. [sighs]

-[phone beeps] -[Lana] Ugh. Still nothing.

Why don't you hire an actual lawyer

who can talk to you during normal business hours?

Because then I wouldn't get to do this.

Ow!

Hold-- Stop! I have bars!

-[groans] -[shushes] I'm on the phone.

Hey, sorry I lost you when we got locked in the, um--

Uh, in the tunnel. You were saying?

[chuckling] Convicted of a crime?

No, never, no.

Yes! Let the bank robbing begin.

-Ow! -No, no, that's not what he meant.

Girl, you're hilarious.

Me robbing a bank? Oh, God.

Could you even imagine?

But, hypothetically, how bad would that be?

So here we are, at the security controls.

This switch controls the grid in the lobby.

And this is the executive offices upstairs.

This one's for the grid surrounding the main vault.

So how does it operate?

If I wanted to turn it off, would I just do this?

[machine hums]

Oh, thank nonexistent God in made-up heaven. [grunts]

Oh, we can't do that, sir.

[grunts]

Hang on, wait a second. If all this is symbolic anyway,

it really only matters if people think it's there.

-But me getting fired isn't symbolic. -[Krieger sighs, grunts]

-Uh, but we'd save money on electricity. -[Krieger sighs]

-Not worth me starving. -[Krieger grunts]

Less electricity, less global warming.

-Don't put that on me. It's not my bank. -[Krieger grunting, sighing]

Would-- Would you just stop?

-Ow. -Well, you really love that gun.

I'm old and I need leverage.

If any of these are turned off for more than a few seconds,

the master alarm goes off.

Well, that's just-- Actually, really good to know.

Well, I have to go fill out legal forms because--

Oh, my God. I just realized my name is totally stupid.

-Did you catch all that? -Yeah.

You really stuck it to Ray with the name thing. You should be nicer to him.

I meant the part about if we turn off the alarms, we're screwed.

But I also hear what you're saying about Ray. And, no.

[Krieger grunts, sighs]

-Krieger, what happened? -It's all good.

Just injecting myself with a paralytic. Can't feel nothing now.

-You carry that on you? -Oh, God, all of this is going so wrong.

I should just walk out. No. Stupid, Pam. Can't commit to anything.

Whoa, Pam. What is going on with you?

Nothing. [inhales sharply, sobs] I just really wanna go to brunch.

Hey, turn off your comms. Is that really it?

You can get brunch next weekend.

I know a place that does topless mimosas.

It's bottomless mimosas served by topless dancers.

I don't wanna have brunch with you.

Ouch. Why?

I want brunch with… [sighs] …Alessia.

The hot Swiss mercenary lady who punched me in the face?

Why are you so sad? She's awesome.

Yeah. We've been dating, but I think it could be, like,

I don't know, something real.

Holy shit. Pam in a relationship?

Usually you're all wham, bam, don't get attached, ma'am.

Or sir, or them.

I know. I thought I'd feel trapped.

And I know this sounds dumb, but I've never felt more free.

Pam, from the bottom of my heart,

that does sound dumb. But I'm happy for you.

But now we're actually trapped in this stupid bank.

I mean, I can't even be on time for brunch.

She's Swiss, man. Watches are like gods to them.

[phone rings]

Call Alessia, push your brunch back an hour.

Here comes the cavalry.

Except it's like a cavalry where the horses are in charge.

That's supposed to comfort me?

I don't know. Everything's going fuzzy.

Wow, I thought this hangover would kill me.

But, ah, it's way worse than that.

I'm gonna lie down for a bit, then look for that override code.

Good luck with the Alessia thing.

Well, hello, good sir. A thousand thanks for letting me in early.

It is I, an obscenely wealthy socialite

who wishes to do business with thine banking shoppe.

-Cheerio, spit spot. -[chuckles] Of course, Ms. Tunt.

God, I hate rich people.

Ready and in position. Krieger, watch your butt. I'm going in.

Honestly, if you hit me, I won't even feel it.

That's funny, I can feel… [groaning] …everything.

[beeping]

Oops! He, uh, said for no reason.

Lana, Cyril, tell me you figured something out so I can just die now.

No dice. It's right here, but I can't get the inner container unlocked.

Will you just grab it? We'll figure it out later.

What? No. Oh, no, no one's talking about grabbing AJ.

Unless you think kidnapping is an option. In which case--

Oh, goddamn it, I lost service again.

Or she didn't wanna be an accessory to kidnapping.

You know, you can come to me with questions. I have a law degree.

Oh, great. Because I do have a legal question.

Is it against the law to rip out a coworker's vocal cords

with your bare hands?

Very much, yes.

Then, as my lawyer, I advise you to stop talking. Just grab the box.

It's welded in, genius.

[rumbling]

Oh, lovely. This is so Posh Spice.

Yes, yes, this will do quite nicely for storing the crown jewels.

Um, of what country?

All of them!

Too many questions. Bring me someone else.

Pam, it's empty. Go now.

My name's not Pam.

Good to see you again.

-Where've you been, Ray? -[coughs] Nowhere.

-Wow. It can't be that easy. -Freeze right there.

-Never say that. -You said you were going to the bathroom.

I lied. Enough games. I know you're robbing the bank.

I've known from the very beginning.

[laughs]

Nice.

Ooh, it was too much fun watching you guys fumble around.

Serves these bozos right. Bring it all down.

You are amazing.

You wouldn't happen to know if there's booze around, would you, Suze?

Well, at least they have good security on the booze. Heads up, Ray.

Override code 64245.

Yes! Wait, is this it?

[chuckling] You are one gorgeous weirdo.

Thanks. One more thing.

You guys have to rough me up. Make it look good.

I-I don't think I can do that.

Pussy-- [grunting]

Get the hell outta here.

-We owe you dinner. -I heard threesome.

See, I told you everything would work out.

-[helicopter whirring] -[siren wailing]

Oh, shit.

I think it's pronounced "SWAT."

Breach the door.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Who the hell tipped them off?

No time to think about that. Leadership. Upstairs!

[grunting]

That's not gonna hurt until tomorrow.

[grunting]

Ow. Okay, turns out face shots hurt now.

Oh, God. I'm sorry. Good luck with the ska band.

Whoo!

Grenade!

-[exploding] -[SWAT team coughing]

-Where to now? -As leader, I am open to suggestions.

I am not getting arrested before my custody hearing.

Cheryl, do you have any more explosives?

Duh, it's the only thing in here.

Even the tampons are bombs. I like when my periods feel dangerous.

[phone ringing]

Oh, hey, Alessia.

So it, uh, turns out I might need to push our brunch back just a bit more.

Like, maybe 15 to 20 years?

Pam, cut the shit. I know you're inside the bank.

Don't worry about it, baby. I'm out back with a getaway truck.

Wait, really? How did you know?

You sounded freaked out on the phone. So I traced your team's movements.

Did it feel weird and stalker-y? Yeah, but that's every American rom-com.

[chuckling] It really is.

Hey, good news, guys. My special friend is out back with wheels.

Special friend? What did I tell you about fear of commitment?

Cheryl, if you got something, now's the time.

Take it easy, I've got this.

And now, we begin.

[beeps, exploding]

-Well, fun while it lasted. -Step aside. I've got this.

Who the hell are you?

I've been taking night classes.

Junior colleges are surprisingly comprehensive.

-[Lana] Well, this is how we die. -Relax.

You will all die years from now, safe in your beds,

never suspecting I'm waiting in the shadows.

Clear!

[explodes]

-Jump! -[Cyril] From all the way up here?

Sometimes, you gotta take the lead.

[grunting]

[grunts]

[whimpers]

[both grunt]

-[both yell] -[grunts]

[gasps] And she can bake? Good God, I love this woman.

Wow. Just blurting it out, huh?

Well, I stole the truck with the pastries. And replaced the roof.

-But did you just say-- -[Lana] Go!

[Ray] Faster, they're on our asses.

Duh, that's why I planted all those extra bombs.

So, hey, about what you said back there, the L-word.

L-word? Yeah. You must've misheard me.

I don't think ever I've used any words

that have that letter in them at all, ever.

Pam, that's such a stupid lie. Your full name is Pamela.

Come on, just ask her to be your girlfriend already.

Girlfriend? Ew! No.

[sighs] Alessia, will you be my polyamorous primary?

Yes. Just give me 4.2 seconds.

Klaus, you're down to secondary.

Ugh. Don't be a baby. And call Esmerelda and knock her down to three.

And now you're mine as well.

Aw, you guys.

-You know, I am partially responsible-- -No.

Fabian must've sold us out to the cops.

-Now let's not rush to judge-- -No, let's do rush to judgment.

Fabian sold us out.

It's not like anyone accidentally pushed a secret alarm or anything.

The whole mission was probably bullshit.

This is just a bunch of pictures with some random woman.

-You're late. -Yeah, well,

someone was apparently pretty determined to get in our way.

Come on, Fabian. Let's hear it. What's your inevitable double cross?

No double cross. I'm a man of my word.

The Agency is yours again. And in fact, I'm pleased it all worked out this way.

I've come to respect--

Suck it, asshole. Alessia, punch it.

Nice working with you too.

Here's to me being right.

-Complete and utter victory. -Was it though?

I freaking crushed it back there. Or should I say blasted it?

No, that sounds like something gross.

Guys, you won't believe this.

[newscaster] Chaos in the Latin-American country of Manatina tonight

as the prime minister declared martial law.

Uh, does it seem like a coincidence

that's where I tripped over a tapir and got snake bit in the face?

[laughs] Oh, God. Still funny. You were so almost gonna die.

Borders are closed and citizens have been confined to their homes.

This sudden authoritarian turn is especially shocking

given that the prime minister has until now been highly progressive,

turning Manatina into a model for social change.

Wait, did we just blackmail a president?

Thereby causing a geopolitical incident?

Well, that definitely won't look good in family court.

Well, here's something that looks even worse.

This contract is backdated six months.

So Fabian and IIA didn't rob that bank?

Or all that other stuff he had us do.

We did.

Easy-peasy.