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1
00:00:07,966 --> 00:00:10,260
[Malory] What do you mean,
Lana hasn't called?
2
00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:13,054
I've been sitting here for,
like, 5 million years
3
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:14,556
and the phone hasn't rung once.
4
00:00:14,639 --> 00:00:18,351
So every time it doesn't, I just assume
it's not her, not calling to say they--
5
00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:22,021
They should've rescued Sterling
and Rip from the pirates hours ago.
6
00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:26,234
-Maybe they did and just didn't call.
-No, I gave them explicit orders to--
7
00:00:26,317 --> 00:00:27,902
What the hell are you wearing?
8
00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:31,406
Uh, this thing called "my boss
made me sleep at my desk," so pajamas.
9
00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:36,161
Men's pajamas? For God's sake,
woman, where is your pride?
10
00:00:36,619 --> 00:00:37,871
In my work?
11
00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:41,291
That may be the funniest thing
you've ever said.
12
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:42,751
-Thank you.
-[Malory] Oh, shut up.
13
00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:45,128
And then try Lana's sat phone.
14
00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:47,797
Wait, what if Lana's been captured too?
15
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,468
Then I'll have to ransom her
and Sterling and Rip and--
16
00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:54,679
Well, no, Miss Gillette's on her own.
Still…
17
00:00:54,763 --> 00:00:58,600
Get Cyril in here! I need him
to find a way to pay for all this!
18
00:00:58,683 --> 00:01:01,478
[Cyril] Wait a minute,
that can't be right.
19
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:03,813
I remember being really mad
20
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:07,734
and really drunk and deciding
to do some online banking.
21
00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:12,405
Oh, my God, I must have embezz--
…arrassed myself last night, huh?
22
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:17,118
Don't talk like black people.
And how should I know? I'm still ripped.
23
00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:22,373
Oh. So you don't, um, happen to remember
me saying anything about passwords…
24
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,501
…to say, Swiss bank accounts?
25
00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:27,837
[laughs] I don't even remember
who peed on your sofa.
26
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:30,131
Although, if I was a gambling man--
27
00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:31,299
-[Malory] Cyril!
-Wha--
28
00:01:31,382 --> 00:01:33,760
Ugh. Smells like a kennel in here.
29
00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:35,845
Cash reserves, how much do we have?
30
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:39,599
I'll, uh, need to run those numbers.
[chuckles nervously]
31
00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:41,935
Well, hurry up,
we don't have a minute to lose.
32
00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:45,355
God only knows what kind of torture
Sterling's going through.
33
00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,732
[dramatic music playing]
34
00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:51,236
[water dripping]
35
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,502
Get off…
36
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:08,962
the bucket.
37
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,339
-I'm not done.
-Yes, you are.
38
00:02:11,422 --> 00:02:13,174
But I didn't… You know.
39
00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:16,928
I can't with all the-- Everybody looking
at me, and then the judgments--
40
00:02:17,011 --> 00:02:18,096
-[Lana] Noah?
-Yes.
41
00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:21,683
I just traveled 8000 miles
and got ambushed by Malaysian pirates
42
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:25,812
trying to rescue a person who is now
responsible for my getting crabs twice.
43
00:02:25,895 --> 00:02:29,858
Oh, come on.
These crabs, this time, were not my fault.
44
00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:32,193
This whole dungeon is, um…
45
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:36,948
-Were you gonna say "lousy with them"?
-I was, but then I realized that's, uh--
46
00:02:37,031 --> 00:02:38,992
Where that phrase comes from? Yeah.
47
00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:40,493
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
48
00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:43,079
-Yeah. So guess what I'm in?
-Um…
49
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:44,497
No mood?
50
00:02:44,789 --> 00:02:47,083
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
51
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,377
[Archer] Wait,
shouldn't it be some kind of crab dish,
52
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:52,755
because of the crabs?
Like, uh, crab cakes?
53
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,675
Ooh. Or Lana. Lana.
54
00:02:57,093 --> 00:02:58,261
Lana.
55
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,555
-Lana!
-What?
56
00:03:00,763 --> 00:03:04,350
Dungeon. Us. Crab. Huh?
57
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,603
Because we're in a dungeon.
58
00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:08,646
I'm kidding. Crab rangoon.
59
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,899
[theme music playing]
60
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,183
[scraping]
61
00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:48,561
[Archer] Noah, seriously,
I swear to God, stop.
62
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:51,814
Rock beats spoon. You should know that,
you're an archeologist.
63
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,608
Anthropologist.
64
00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:56,861
Whatever. If you're doing it
just to get on my nerves, okay, I get it.
65
00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:58,947
But if you're trying to actually escape…
66
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:00,990
Well, at least he's trying something.
67
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,867
Yeah, as opposed to the Doublemint Twins.
68
00:04:02,992 --> 00:04:06,412
-[laughs] And one, two, three, go, herd.
-[Lana] Whoa! Uh!
69
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,957
-Missed it by that much.
-Shut up.
70
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,293
It's no use. The trapdoor goes up
a vertical shaft to the radio room.
71
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:15,672
-Exactly, and if we get to the radio--
-[Riley] Which this idiot shot to pieces--
72
00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:16,798
[loud thud]
73
00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:19,634
-Holy shit.
-Wha-- What the hell happened to him?
74
00:04:19,717 --> 00:04:22,470
-He--
-Who knows? Maybe he had a brain aneurysm.
75
00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:25,306
-No, he--
-it's the silent killer, Noah.
76
00:04:25,473 --> 00:04:28,184
Not unlike a metal spoon
sharpened to a razor's edge
77
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:32,021
and used to slit
an anthropologist's bird-like throat.
78
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,649
He just kind of keeled over.
79
00:04:34,732 --> 00:04:37,068
Probably thanks to your bucket-stanch.
80
00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:38,736
Wha-- Excuse me, I didn't even go.
81
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:40,905
-We're going. One, two, three, down, herd.
-Oof.
82
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,574
-Jeez, how about a little warning?
-I said, down, herd.
83
00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:47,161
Uh, couple things. One, Ray,
thanks for perpetuating the stereotype
84
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,664
of the gay man as
a collegiate cheerleader.
85
00:04:49,747 --> 00:04:53,001
Uh, yeah. For your information,
almost all male cheerleaders are--
86
00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:54,961
Finely-tuned hetero athletes.
87
00:04:55,044 --> 00:04:57,588
Yeah, hang on, I'm getting a call.
[imitates phone ringing]
88
00:04:57,672 --> 00:05:00,174
Hello? Hi, it's lacrosse, you lose.
89
00:05:00,258 --> 00:05:02,093
-Wait, the phone.
-Lacrosse?
90
00:05:02,176 --> 00:05:04,929
Yeah, it's Algonquin for "blood sport"?
91
00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,806
-It's not Algonquin for anything.
-Noah…
92
00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:10,184
-My sat phone.
-Yeah. See, Noah? Her-- Wait, your what?
93
00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,520
My sat phone. The pirates took it.
94
00:05:12,603 --> 00:05:15,982
And since I haven't called in,
ISIS should be calling me anytime now.
95
00:05:16,065 --> 00:05:17,150
[dial tone ringing]
96
00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:20,236
Jeezow, Lana, answer your stupid phone.
97
00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:23,281
[man]
Hello? Give me Sterling Archer mother.
98
00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:25,575
Oh, my God, be more Chinese-y.
99
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:28,828
-Pirates, line two.
-[Malory] Wha-- Well, put them through.
100
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,705
Oh, my God, be more "I hate you."
101
00:05:30,788 --> 00:05:32,874
That's why your phone is blinking.
102
00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:36,210
-[Malory] Oh. Hello?
-[imitating Malory] This is Malory Archer.
103
00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:37,962
This is Malory Archer.
104
00:05:38,087 --> 00:05:40,089
Okay, then you listen to me.
105
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:42,759
-No, you just listen to me, buster.
-Bucky.
106
00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:47,055
If you touch one hair on my son's head,
I'll have your guts for garters.
107
00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:49,891
A-ha, you like wear garter?
108
00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:52,185
-[laughing]
-It's an idiom, you heathen.
109
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:53,186
[scraping]
110
00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:56,272
Malory will call, she'll haggle
over the ransom for you, me and Riley.
111
00:05:56,355 --> 00:05:57,607
-What about me?
-Yeah, and me?
112
00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,192
We'll come back for you later.
113
00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:03,112
No, shut up. We gotta get that phone,
or something. I don't know.
114
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,239
But I don't want Mother talking to Bucky.
115
00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:08,743
Why not? She's been coming to your rescue
since you were in short pants.
116
00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:11,120
[grunting]
117
00:06:11,662 --> 00:06:13,873
[Malory] Oh, for--
Sterling, get your things.
118
00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:18,211
We're leaving. Before this quack's office
burns to the ground.
119
00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:20,838
[grunting]
120
00:06:21,422 --> 00:06:22,965
[Malory] Sterling, get your things.
121
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:27,386
We're leaving. Before this cruddy school
burns to the ground.
122
00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:30,181
[grunting]
123
00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:32,266
[Malory] Sterling, get your things.
124
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:33,976
He's gay.
125
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,104
-You were in the Army?
-Oh, who remembers?
126
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,313
[Cyril] Well, try.
127
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:39,732
[Pam] I can't remember.
128
00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:42,318
There's a reason they call it
"black-out drunk."
129
00:06:42,401 --> 00:06:45,613
If I don't remember that password,
I can't unembezzle that money
130
00:06:45,696 --> 00:06:47,865
and then I'm screwed,
because I don't have--
131
00:06:48,032 --> 00:06:49,784
[Malory] Ten million dollars?
132
00:06:49,867 --> 00:06:52,036
That's outrageous. I won't pay it.
133
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:55,665
I don't even want the gay back.
So you just better sharpen your pencil.
134
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:58,042
-[Bucky] I don't have pencil.
-It's an idiom!
135
00:06:58,167 --> 00:07:01,796
Aw, but I love it when Malory
bails you out of one of your idiot jams.
136
00:07:01,879 --> 00:07:02,797
Oh, really?
137
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,924
Then I get to watch
her rub it in your face.
138
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,260
Oh, my God. Okay, first of all--
139
00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:09,846
-[Riley] First of all--
-Riley, no. Don't say it.
140
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:14,392
He's been here voluntarily! Partying his
ass off as king of the pirates!
141
00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:17,520
-Hmm. What?
-Don't listen to him.
142
00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:21,065
I bet that brain aneurysm
scrambled his Broca's area.
143
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:23,985
Right? Language center of the brain--
144
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,239
Noah.
145
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:31,242
-Thank you.
-No problem.
146
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:33,786
Actually, not making much progress.
147
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:35,204
[Lana] You're kidding.
148
00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:37,665
No.
149
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:43,504
[Malory] Three million,
and not a penny more.
150
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:47,425
And before you see one thin dime,
I want to talk to Sterling.
151
00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:50,678
-Cyril.
-Wha--? Hey, Ms. Archer.
152
00:07:50,761 --> 00:07:54,182
-Three million in cash?
-That, uh, should not be a problem.
153
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:57,768
I know it shouldn't be,
and it better not be.
154
00:07:57,852 --> 00:08:01,272
Why would it be? It's not.
I just need to move a little money around.
155
00:08:01,355 --> 00:08:03,608
So move it. Today please.
156
00:08:03,774 --> 00:08:07,111
Keep looking, maybe I wrote it down. Um…
157
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:08,905
"ArcherSucks." No.
158
00:08:09,071 --> 00:08:11,949
-"KillArcherDie." No.
-[Pam] Um…
159
00:08:12,116 --> 00:08:13,826
Just trying all my usual passwords.
160
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:16,412
Hey, way to not give them the power.
161
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:17,997
Thank you.
162
00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:20,833
Do you hear me? I want proof of life.
163
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:23,711
Duh.
164
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:26,547
[Lana] You lying, pathetic,
little piece of--
165
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:27,757
-Lana, no.
-[Archer] Oh…
166
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,551
-Come on, you're gonna kill him.
-Yup, that's the plan.
167
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:31,928
Hey, hey, knock it off.
168
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:34,680
Look, Lana, don't get me wrong,
I like your spunk.
169
00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:35,806
Phrasing.
170
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:39,018
Shut up. But I promised his mother
that I would bring him home safely.
171
00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:43,064
-And I assume that includes his spleen.
-I think that ship might have sailed.
172
00:08:43,147 --> 00:08:45,608
-No, not a ship.
-That was an idiom.
173
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:48,110
A helicopter.
There's an old Huey down by the dock
174
00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:51,239
and it just so happens,
Rip Riley here can fly it.
175
00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:52,740
-No shit?
-Yeah.
176
00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:56,536
Rip Riley here can fly anything.
You know, as long as it's got fuel.
177
00:08:56,619 --> 00:09:00,581
Well, Rip, why don't we just look around
for some fuel in this cell…
178
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:04,335
-I doubt they'd keep it in here.
-…in which we're still locked?
179
00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:09,882
I figured that we'd kind of work backwards
from the, uh, stealing of the helicopter.
180
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:12,260
"ArcherBurnFace." No.
181
00:09:12,426 --> 00:09:14,762
-"Archerbortion." Ugh.
-No.
182
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:17,807
Are you gonna type random words
in there the rest of your life?
183
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,225
All five minutes of it.
184
00:09:19,308 --> 00:09:22,478
At which point, Ms. Archer will probably
dissolve me in a drum of acid
185
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:26,732
-unless you have a better idea.
-State-dependent memory.
186
00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:30,528
So your plan is for us
to get as black-out, knee-walking
187
00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:34,949
shit-faced drunk as we were last night in
the hopes that we remember the password?
188
00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:37,660
[sighs]
189
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,412
Well, don't hog it all.
190
00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:41,455
Pam.
191
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,876
[groans] Seriously,
I bet that would've killed a lesser man.
192
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,421
Ha. There's a lesser man than you?
193
00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:51,299
-Uh, yeah, his name's Houdini.
-Whom I wish you were.
194
00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:53,634
Yeah, because then I could
just puke up a key.
195
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:56,345
-Because you'd be dead.
-Houdini's dead?
196
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,723
-You know what?
-Yes. Here's what we do.
197
00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:00,808
We lure Bucky down here
and take him hostage.
198
00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:03,436
-And then?
-Then we'll see. We'll keep it loose.
199
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:06,981
Oh, for-- And just how the hell
are we supposed to lure him down here?
200
00:10:07,356 --> 00:10:08,608
[Bucky] Sterling Archer.
201
00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:12,028
What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you
over the sound of my plan working.
202
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:14,405
-Hey, telephone. It's your mother.
-My--?
203
00:10:14,488 --> 00:10:17,950
Wait, please tell me you didn't tell her
I was temporarily the pirate king.
204
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,995
No, not yet, but this is damn good. I--
205
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:22,872
[Malory] Sterling, are you all right?
206
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:25,875
-No, Mother, I'm a captive of pirates.
-Unh!
207
00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:30,212
Oh, and Riley said he no longer finds you
attractive because you're too old.
208
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,340
-[Malory] He what?
-What? You little--
209
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:33,966
Son of a bitch!
210
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,676
[Malory] Was that a gunshot?
211
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,095
-Yeah, they got old Ray this time.
-[Bucky] Unh!
212
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:40,348
-Ray!
-Now I kill you.
213
00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:41,974
[all grunting]
214
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:45,227
-Right in the same ear!
-[Malory] Ha! Good. Serves you right.
215
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:48,397
-[laughing]
-Malory, I never said that!
216
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,316
[Malory]
You're no spring chicken yourself.
217
00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:54,111
-Shit.
-Lana!
218
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:56,197
[Malory] ls Lana hit? Someone talk to me!
219
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,532
Mother, I'm a little busy right now.
220
00:10:58,783 --> 00:10:59,909
-Noah!
-What?
221
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:02,078
-[Archer] Spoon him!
-What do you mean, spoon him?
222
00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:05,164
You mean, spoon him as in like--
Oh, uh, right.
223
00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:06,707
-Today, please!
-[Bucky] Unh!
224
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,960
[screaming]
225
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,632
I am incredibly sorry.
226
00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:17,760
[grunting]
227
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:22,098
[Malory] Rip? Rip, I take it all back.
You're as strong and sexy as the night--
228
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:26,018
For shit's sake, Mother! How short
is the list of guys you haven't screwed?
229
00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:27,186
[gasps]
230
00:11:27,269 --> 00:11:30,898
How dare you?
You can just forget about that ransom.
231
00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:32,733
For once, you're on your own.
232
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:35,945
[Archer] For once?
Oh, my God, Columbia Hou--
233
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:41,867
All I wanted was to mourn the murder
of my crazy-hot Russian fiancée
234
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,661
by becoming a pirate king!
235
00:11:43,744 --> 00:11:46,580
But I guess that was too much to ask!
236
00:11:46,705 --> 00:11:51,836
So Mother can keep her stupid ransom,
because I don't need her!
237
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:57,383
What I do need
is some fricking crab shampoo!
238
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,637
-Noah! Wounded!
-No, no, I'm--
239
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,265
Maybe some psychic scarring, yes,
but physically I'm--
240
00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:05,808
Tend to the wounded!
241
00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:09,728
-Oh, right, right. Right, of course.
-Not him. Start with Lana.
242
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:12,481
-I'm fine. Check on Ray.
-[Archer] Yeah, he is not looking good.
243
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,650
-Although, neither is Riley.
-Ah, ah, ah, ah.
244
00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:17,236
And neither is your situation. [laughing]
245
00:12:17,319 --> 00:12:22,324
Because you can forget ransom,
now you and your friends will die here.
246
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,201
Yeah, speaking of forgetting,
couple things.
247
00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:25,578
One, these aren't my friends.
248
00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:26,537
[ripping]
249
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:29,081
-Got that right.
-I mean her, yes, kind of, maybe,
250
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:31,834
-but there's a lot of sexual tension.
-[Lana] Ha!
251
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:35,546
But these other three, whatever,
who cares? I mean, Noah's a slave.
252
00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:39,091
-Heh. Yeah, about that--
-Noah, not now. And two…
253
00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:41,510
Aha! But I shoot gun many times
254
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:44,889
and in all the excitement,
I lose track myself. Ah.
255
00:12:44,972 --> 00:12:48,851
So now you thinking,
"Did he fire eight shots, or only--"
256
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:52,021
Four, idiot.
So get your things, we're leaving.
257
00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:54,273
Okay, can I just run up to my hovel quick
258
00:12:54,356 --> 00:12:56,525
and grab the only extant copy
of my dissertation?
259
00:12:56,609 --> 00:13:00,196
-Noah, still got four bullets.
-Oh, God, do you know what "extant" means?
260
00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:02,323
You know what "license to kill" means?
261
00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:04,825
I'll write another one.
262
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,869
The world holds its breath.
263
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,335
[Lana] Ray?
Ray, come on honey, stay with me.
264
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,504
Ray? Ray?
265
00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:17,713
Ray?
266
00:13:17,796 --> 00:13:20,466
-[Archer] Not sure that's helping.
-Yeah? Well, neither are you!
267
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:22,134
Lana, I only have two hands.
268
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,178
What I don't have, is all day.
269
00:13:24,261 --> 00:13:25,888
There, I finished. Jeez, damn.
270
00:13:26,138 --> 00:13:30,226
-[Archer] How you doing, Riley?
-How the hell do you think I'm doing?
271
00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:34,230
Hey, relax, Nick Furious.
Save your strength for flying the chopper.
272
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:37,900
And again, I'm just incredibly sorry.
273
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,486
-What's your blood type?
-[scoffs] How would I know?
274
00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:43,322
How would you not?
Who am I, Karl Landsteiner?
275
00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:45,491
Discoverer of blood groups?
276
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:49,078
You don't know your own blood type,
but you know who discovered them.
277
00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:50,329
Yeah, now.
278
00:13:50,829 --> 00:13:52,998
Your exact words, Pam.
279
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:56,460
"Dr. Charles Drew,
or I will eat a bag of dicks."
280
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:57,586
[burping]
281
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:58,671
Bring them.
282
00:13:58,837 --> 00:14:02,758
And not to diminish the accomplishments
of Dr. Charles Drew, but--
283
00:14:02,841 --> 00:14:06,095
Goddamn it, Archer. Ray needs
O-positive blood or he's gonna die.
284
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:09,306
-So give him some of yours.
-I'm A-negative.
285
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:11,684
-Hey, me too.
-And even if Riley is O-positive--
286
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:14,603
No, I'm A-negative too. Eh? Blow it up.
287
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,690
He's already a quart low, so…
288
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:19,191
[Noah] Oh…
289
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,819
-Positive?
-Yeah.
290
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:24,572
One of these days, I swear to God,
291
00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:27,783
I'm gonna burn
this place straight down to the ground.
292
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,995
Oh, my God, yes. [gasps]
What about this Sunday?
293
00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:33,080
Unless you want people in here,
in which case--
294
00:14:33,163 --> 00:14:34,456
[belches]
295
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:35,749
[snoring]
296
00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:36,959
[mumbling]
297
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:38,043
[whistles]
298
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:39,545
-[Cyril] Aah!
-Five-0. Five-O.
299
00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:42,131
Cyril, never mind moving that money.
300
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:46,468
What money? Oh, really? You sure?
Because all I need to do is just--
301
00:14:46,635 --> 00:14:49,889
Re-evaluate your entire life.
And yes, I'm sure.
302
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:53,350
Sterling can get himself out of this jam,
for once.
303
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:58,147
Oh, and don't be here on Sunday, Pam.
304
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:01,483
Why just me? What's happening Sunday?
305
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,904
Probably my grisly murder, because
we still haven't found that password.
306
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:06,697
Did you try "guest"?
307
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:08,699
No, Pam, I didn't, because I'm not an id--
308
00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:09,825
[beeps]
309
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:11,076
Oh, eat a dick.
310
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,870
[burps] Bring it.
311
00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:17,374
-How much of my blood does he need?
-I don't know, 10 gills?
312
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:19,001
What? U.S. or imperial?
313
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:22,379
Just keep squeezing that gag-ball
that I don't wanna know why you have.
314
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:24,006
Uh, no, you do not.
315
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:27,801
You will never make it to the helicopter.
My men will cut you down like dogs.
316
00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:31,680
Thanks, human shield.
Although, where the hell are all your men?
317
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:32,765
Are you serious?
318
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,683
They're all at the intramural
lacrosse finals.
319
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,060
-The what?
-Ow!
320
00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:39,688
-Lana, shut up. That's today?
-Yeah, it's right now. In 10 minutes.
321
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:40,981
-Who's playing?
-[Lana] Archer.
322
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:43,067
Uh, the Lax-mi Singhers--
323
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:45,152
-They made it to the finals?
-Uh-huh.
324
00:15:45,235 --> 00:15:46,987
Versus the Archers of Loafcrosse.
325
00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:49,281
-What? That's my team.
-Archer.
326
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:52,326
Lana, I'm team captain.
I built that team from nothing, and--
327
00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:54,745
Archer. Ray is dying.
328
00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:56,789
Does that mean so must my dream?
329
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:59,041
Look, I think it's great that for once
330
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:01,669
you're getting out of a jam without
your mother's help, but--
331
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:05,339
Not for once, Lana. Hello? Columbia House.
332
00:16:05,422 --> 00:16:08,300
But remember earlier,
when you said you and I were friends?
333
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:11,762
Of course.
I mean, I know we fight a lot, but…
334
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:15,474
God, now that I think about it,
you're my only friend.
335
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:16,809
Uh, wow.
336
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,728
-Right?
-Yes, Archer, because if you do this--
337
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,397
Please don't make me choose.
338
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:26,777
I will never, ever forgive you,
and we will never, ever be friends again.
339
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:30,948
[blows whistle]
340
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:33,200
[people cheering]
341
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:34,827
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
342
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,454
Birds-eye view of lacrosse!
343
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:41,125
-Lana. Lana, we got the face-off.
-Hooray.
344
00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:43,085
Now, can we please get out of here?
345
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:45,879
Because we are totally vulnerable.
346
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:47,965
[Archer] I know, look at our defenders.
347
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,342
[Lana] He's not talking about
the defenders.
348
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:53,262
[Archer] The crease, idiots!
Guard the crease!
349
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:55,014
Lurch, what are you doing?
350
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,933
Middies, come on, get in position!
351
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:03,355
-Oh, shit, they are.
-No, look, they're all bunched-- Oh. Oh!
352
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,190
Incoming!
353
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:06,817
-Yee…
-Oh, no!
354
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:09,153
-Wait, Lana. Don't--
-Aah!
355
00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:11,989
Get some! Get some, you sons of bitches!
356
00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:14,199
[screaming]
357
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:16,827
-Suck it!
-No!
358
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,620
Hang on.
359
00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:19,830
[all screaming]
360
00:17:19,997 --> 00:17:21,540
-[Archer] Lana!
-[Lana] Archer!
361
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,584
-[Archer] What, Lana?
-[Lana] I--
362
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:25,919
Nothing. I got you.
363
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:28,547
You got me. Well, that's just super.
364
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,299
What the hell is your problem?
365
00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:33,844
My problem, Lana, is you just
Bonnie and Clyded my starting middies.
366
00:17:34,094 --> 00:17:35,429
Archer, they were--
367
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:37,639
Redshirt freshmen,
Lana, who I was grooming.
368
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,850
But now I guess the Archers of Loafcrosse
369
00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:43,062
can forget about the South Pacific
lacrosse championships!
370
00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:46,065
-Yeah, that's not a thing.
-If and when that becomes a thing!
371
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:50,486
Hey, here's a thing. Your mother doesn't
know you ran away to be a pirate, so--
372
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:53,322
-No. Lana, seriously, she--
-She would literally kill you.
373
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:55,908
Well, figurative-- Yeah, literally.
374
00:17:55,991 --> 00:18:00,245
So now, for the rest of your idiot life,
I've got that on you.
375
00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:01,580
-Wow.
-Right?
376
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,041
[Noah] Oh, my God.
377
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:07,252
-Just screw already.
-Seriously.
378
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,671
Then kill each other. And then shut up.
379
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:14,009
And then kill each other again.
And call me, so I can watch you do it.
380
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,678
[Malory] Sterling,
I don't know how you did it, but--
381
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:19,765
Well, except for Rip's eye,
you got everyone home in one piece.
382
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:21,016
[Archer] No thanks to you.
383
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,936
Well, it's about time
you did something on your own.
384
00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:26,063
Columbia House Record Club.
385
00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:29,108
Archer, the important thing
is that we're home.
386
00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:32,861
And that we spare Malory the details
of your time on Pirate Island.
387
00:18:33,028 --> 00:18:34,947
Why? What happened?
388
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:39,243
Nothing. Well, you know, besides a lot of,
um, pretty horrific torture,
389
00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:42,538
which, Mother, if you had seen,
would have broken your heart.
390
00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:44,832
But why dwell on that? We're home.
391
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:48,544
-And my mourning period for, um…
-Katya?
392
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:51,296
Is over. So, hey, it's a happy ending.
393
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:52,297
[sighs]
394
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:55,551
Yeah. Yeah, it's just a big old
goddamn fairy tale.
395
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:58,387
Fairy tale? Uh, phrasing?
396
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,266
Ray, I'm kidding. Don't be like that.
397
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,937
[Cheryl] Ugh, gross.
Keep it moving, cripple.
398
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:09,523
-[Ray] Shut up.
-Ray? Ray.
399
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:11,608
Ray?
400
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:15,404
Oh, okay. Then I guess just pout.
401
00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:17,614
[theme music playing]
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