Original subtitles

[Pam] Aw, come on!

Clock your skinny ass out already, and let's go get outside some drinks!

Ugh, I can't!

I have to cover her stupid phone in case those stupid

pirates call with a stupid ransom demand for Mr. Stupid Archer!

[Malory] Carol? Carol! Have they called?

No! Ma'am!

But rest assured I'll let you know the minute they do!

[Malory] Rest?

My God, who can rest…

Not me, apparently.

Or me!

I have to re-do the annual budget because she's blowing it all

on this so-called rescue of Archer!

Well his plane did crash, and the distress signal was

last heard coming from a known pirate fortress, so…

So?

That doesn't mean Ray and Lana have to bankrupt ISIS getting there!

[Ray] Oh, would you relax?

You rent a boat, that money's gone.

This way, we can sell it when we're done. I bet it'll come out cheaper.

I wasn't talking about the boat.

I think five grand for the week was a steal.

Look at him, he is lithe.

So a twink escort your rent, but--

That's different!

I mean, they did ask if I wanted to actually buy him, but I thought…

-What, that I'd be weird about it? -[Ray] I--

That I, perhaps due to my race, might have a problem

with the concept of owning a human being?

I actually just thought I'd get tired of him.

You? Mr. Can't Even Commit To A Pet?

Yeah, hi, two cats!

One of whom I think has FIP, so…

commit that.

You know how hard I worked on this budget?

Nights, weekends, canceled my vacation, and now it's all wasted!

Wasted, exactly, let's go be that!

C'mon, happy hour at Pita Margarita's!

Is that what it sounds like?

Only if it sounds like a shitload of tequila and some A-rab hoagies.

[Malory] How dare you?

Arab, sorry.

Oh shut up, how can you even think about happy hour at a time like this?

When probably as we speak, my poor Sterling is being tortured by pirates!

-I wish… -What?

Wish you wouldn't say that!

Because I'm sure he's not being tortured.

[Archer screaming]

Oh my God, stop, stop, stop, seriously I can't take anymore!

Whew! That was insane, I never even heard of that position!

Did the missionaries not swing by here, or…

Excuse me? Sorry, pirate-king Archer?

What! Noah!

Ready for the uh, morning briefing?

Noah, I'm half drunk and slathered in…

every bodily fluid there is.

So yeah, this is about as pirate king-y as I'm gonna get.

-Brief away! -Okay, item one! The--

Noah.

Yes, sir?

Good morning.

[theme music playing]

[Noah] Okay. Item one. The huge morale problem.

-[Archer] How do we have a morale problem? -Well, first of all--

C'mon, karaoke night's a big hit…

[singing in foreign language]

Whoo!

We have an awesome feast every night…

Whoo!

Not to mention intramural lacrosse!

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

[laughs]

So how can they have low morale?

Well um, besides all of those things, they haven't been paid.

So pay 'em, what do you need, new payroll software?

Cyril always handled all that stuff.

Payroll, budgets, he's a genius at that crap…

Just find the money, Cyril!

You're an accounting genius, Cyril!

That's right, you bitch.

I said it.

So good luck finding all these Swiss accounts!

[laughing maniacally]

-[Pam] What ya doin? -[gasps]

Hey, Pam…

No, no, we don't need--

And dealing with disgruntled employees, Pam's great at that…

Is that internet porn?

Uh, yep.

Just, um… just jacking it.

Can I watch? [slurping]

Or is that weird?

Uh, it's… kinda weird.

Is it?

Mmm, yes.

I think it's because she's such a good listener.

And she sounds lovely.

But you don't need an HR rep and payroll software--

-Couldn't hurt… -Sir! Please!

Pirates work for shares, and since you became pirate king

there hasn't been any booty, so--

Gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you there, buddy.

From pirated ships.

-Oh. I thought you meant from the-- -Native girls, right. No.

Sorry, I don't know all the pirate terms yet.

Well, that's a common one.

I'm new to all of this, all right?

Especially the actual, you know, piracy part…

It's not really what I expected.

Dammit, I said get over there!

For the zillionth time, nobody is raping anybody!

Actually no, you know what?

Now nobody gets anything, because I'm letting him go!

[all grumbling]

Shut up! He's a small business owner!

If he loses his ship, he'll be ruined!

You can go.

Ooh, but can we get about 50 pounds of tuna steaks?

-Which you let him talk you down to 20. -Well?

You know what kinda margins those guys work on?

-I actually don't… -Well, nice Ph.D.!

My field's anthropology.

And I'm actually just a doctoral candidate.

Or I was, until these guys captured my research vessel and enslaved me…

Ugh, not this again…

So I was thinking, if you freed me…

You're my translator, I need you. That's why I made you first mate.

Which also went over pretty badly.

Yeah, people hate you so let's just put a pin in the whole… menu mission thing.

-But-- -Noah! Morale's low enough as it is.

And I bet I know who's to blame!

No kidding…

I'm not kidding, this Archer guy's gonna get you all killed. He--

[Archer] Riley!

Archer, what a coincidence. I was just talking about you.

With who? Cause that bucktooth little shit doesn't even speak English!

-I do little bit-- -No you don't.

And correct syntax is "with whom!"

Man, that is not gonna help morale.

Yeah, Bucky's an incorrigible gossip.

Who-- to whom you are forbidden to speak!

I locked you down here so you couldn't contact my mother,

not so you could, whatever, sow disharmony!

You're sowing plenty all by yourself.

Face it kid, you're a bust as a pirate king.

King, exactly! And unless you want to spend the rest of the afternoon with

a bunch of scorpions, don't forget it!

And remember, this is a rescue mission.

I heard you.

So don't charge in there all crazy, machine-gunning everything in sight.

When have I--

I'm sure you'd love it if Sterling were killed in some huge cross fire.

Wh-- No I wouldn't…

Just try to control all your jealousy and, ugh, sexual frustration.

-Oh, no, you're breaking up. -[Malory] Lana.

I mean, am I jealous because Archer gets preferential treatment?

Yes. But, ha! Am I still attracted to him?

-I mean, come on. -Is a pig's ass pork?

I'm sorry, did you wanna hear what I think, or just what you wanna hear?

[exhales] He asked, pretty sarcastically.

[Bucky speaking Malay] The fifth king! The fifth king!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Bucky! What is this?

[Bucky] We hold erections for king!

Well, flattering, not really necessary…

He means elections.

Okay, that makes more-- Wait. What?

Time for new king!

[Bucky speaking Malay] The new king!

[pirates grumbling]

Okay, pirates! Hey! Take a knee!

-Noah, You wanna… -That won't translate.

It's like last week when you said "lend me your ears" and they were like "what?"

-Damn it-- -I can't do idioms.

Shut up.

Then unshut up, and tell them I understand their frustration…

Do you?

[Noah speaking Malay] I understand you all.

But you don't change horses in mid--

-Idiom, idiom. -Right.

Now is not the time for a new king!

[Noah speaking Malay] There is no new king for now.

Because the king is strong!

[Noah speaking Malay] The strong king!

If you so strong…

King-fight!

[pirates] Yeah! King-fight!

What's King-fight!?

Oh, king-fight.

If the king loses to a challenger in one-on-one combat, he has to step down.

-Or just be dead. -Since when?

Oh, since 19… always.

Did you not read the orientation materials?

Whoo! [laughs]

More skimmed it?

Enough talk!

King-fight!

Okay Bucky, we'll King-fight…

-Oh, one thing-- -Noah shut up and translate.

-I accept your challenge! -Okay

[speaks Malay] Challenge accepted!

Because your mouth's been writing checks your butt can't cash.

You-- [sighs] Do you even know what an idiom is?

-Colloquial metaphor. -No, it's--

well, actually yes, but I really think this is a bad idea.

I'm not remunerating you to think, Noah! Even if you weren't a slave.

And your three-fifths of an opinion is noted, so-- Oh, sweet Jesus Jones!

[roaring]

See, Bucky doesn't have to fight you himself.

-He can choose a stand-in. -Who is… huge!

-That's what I was-- -Why didn't he come out for lacrosse?

You lucky I don't let him!

Let him?

Oh, he's Bucky's girlfriend.

[roaring]

Way to eschew traditional gender roles, pirates.

I know, they're fascinating…

[Bucky] Now we king-fight!

And then we see who is bucktooth little shit!

It'll still be you.

-Listen-- -[roaring]

King-fight!

[pirates chanting] King-fight!

Hey, maybe there's a way to make some money on this.

Bet on me.

I would, but who'd bet on-- wait, don't you have that backwards?

[Lana] No.

Because you know what I bet?

[Ray] I bet I know you're gonna tell me…

I bet after we Zodiac in past the reef,

take out at least one O.P., make our way through a jungle

full of Claymores, neutralize the fortress garrison, and finally extract that

kidnapped-gettin ass son of a bitch, he's gonna be all like--

Whoo!

[whoops mockingly]

Like this whole thing was all just part of some dumbshit master plan.

[Ray] She said, trying to convince herself that she no longer ached for his--

Ow!

I'm sorry, what were you gonna say?

Cock.

Suck it!

Because I'm still the king!

This no fair! You break the rules!

What rules? We're pirates!

King-fight mean hand-hand combat! No guns.

Oh, boo-hoo, show me. Show me where it says that.

Take your time. I'm hourly.

I know it's in here somewhere…

Damn it! Okay, maybe it don't say this exact words, but everybody knows.

Nope!

Fair is-- Well it wasn't exactly fair,

but since it wasn't expressly forbidden…

tough titties!

Wow, I never realized how much we rely idioms.

-You win this round, Archer! -Duh.

But every dog has its day!

See? Idiom.

And when that day come, Bucky make you sorry!

-Bucky make you say-- -[Riley] Mayday, mayday, mayday…

This is Rip Riley calling ISIS, over.

-Noah. -Oh, that's not me.

I know that!

[Riley] Oh, damn it, is that the P.A.?

Way to eschew traditional labeling, pirates.

Fascinating.

Because since when is there a radio in the damn dungeon?

God, you really should read your orientation materials.

-Noah! -Radio room!

Mayday, mayday, mayday, this is Rip Riley calling ISIS.

Mayday, may--

[Malory] Rip?

Finally. Malory, listen to me very--

[Malory] How's Sterling, is he hurt or oh God, have the pirates tortured him?

Uh, no.

[Malory] Oh thank God, I was-- wait, are you under duress?

If you are, key your handset twice!

[Riley] I'm not under duress, I'm--

Well, that's exactly what you'd say if you were under duress, so--

[Riley] Malory! I don't have a lot of time, so please listen very carefully.

-I'm listening! -[Riley] Your son, is--

[Archer] No!

[gunshots]

Oh my-- Carol! Somebody?

-[Cheryl] What. -Sterling…

I think…

he's been shot.

[Cheryl] Oh my God.

So, can I go home?

[Archer] I told you, I'm not going anywhere!

Especially not back to ISIS, and especially not now

that I just shot-- What I assume was the only radio?

Yeah, "See about getting a backup radio" was item five.

And item one, is Riley get your ass back in your cell!

Um, item one's actually the morale problem.

-Noah? -More like potential mutiny.

Yeah, right?

Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and change "morale problem" to "potential mutiny"…

No! You're not!

Because there is no mutiny, potential or otherwi--

[Bucky] Mutiny!

[pirates] Mutiny!

-So, is that Malay for-- -Mutiny, yes.

So I guess I should upgrade it from "potential" to--

-Incipient? -Ooh, nice…

No! Do not upgrade that mutiny, Noah! I will tell you when it's time!

To upgrade the damn--

Mutiny, okay, so…

What comes after incipient?

-In progress? -Nailed it!

Oh, this is great! This is just great for my ears!

This is what I was talking about, with the whole tinnitus thing!

-You hear that high-pitched whine? Like… -[Noah] Eeee!

[Archer] Noah!

Aagh! What?

I-- well for one thing, I'm kinda regretting making you first mate!

Yeah, me too! Now I'm… management!

-Archer! -What?

Shut up! Noah!

What?

What'd you say about a backup radio?

That we need one!

It's item… Five!

-Oh, well, that's just-- -[banging at door]

A battering ram?

Archer! [speaking Malay]

What was that, what'd he say?

"We're going to kill you."

Oh. Thought they were surrendering.

Why? Would you think that?

They did before! For no good reason!

At least then we had assault weapons! Now we've only got--

Give me that!

Yeah go nuts, Sundance, it's empty.

[Riley] It's empty! Because you emptied it

into the only radio on the island!

All six, right in the ten ring…

Well, congratulations! We're trapped!

We're not--

Trapped.

Okay yeah, we're trapped.

Uh, hey, gang, why don't we just use that?

Well, obviously we're gonna use that.

[pirates] Ghost!

Not ghost, they not ghosts!

They just white!

-Racist. -[scoffs]

You're racist!

Those dirty pirate bastards!

They killed my baby boy! [sobbing]

Hey, hey, hey, you don't know that for sure yet.

[gasps] You're right!

That sound could've been anything! Like, a firecracker!

Orientals are crazy for firecrackers!

Oh my God, and rice?

Or maybe Rip shot a pirate, and Sterling yelled

"No" because he didn't want to give away their position!

And opium.

Yes, you know, I bet they've escaped!

Oh my God, and rice.

Because if anyone can escape from a pirate fortress, it's Sterling and Rip.

Especially if they cooperate.

Damn it, quit stepping on my hands, you idiot!

Quit bossing me around! You're not my--

wait, tell me there's no chance you're my father.

Not unless you're-- Fifteen.

-Oh, thank God. -The feeling's mutual.

Because if my son was as big a bonehead as you--

-You have a son? -Huh? No.

Then shut up. Noah!

-Where the hell does this go? -[Noah] I don't know, down?

Wow, you're only a doctoral candidate…

Hey, guy, my field's anthropology!

-[chuckle] Good luck with the job hunt. -Right?

Not that it's any of your business, but I plan to teach.

-Anthropology. -Wh- Yes!

To anthropology majors.

[Noah] Hey, you know what?

Thus continuing the circle of why bother.

[Noah] Anthropology is a important field of study!

[chuckle] I'm pretty sure somebody's already named all the different spiders!

[Noah] That's arachnology!

I know! Equally huge waste of time.

[Noah] Yeah, and speaking of, can we go back up?

Oh my God. Uh…

Not really.

-Why? -Just curious.

Go, go, go, go, go!

[all screaming]

Oh, shi--

[chuckles]

Look, no grenade is a good grenade. Okay?

That was just a flash-bang grenade!

Still super-bad for your ears. So when we get outta here,

you should go see my ENT doctor, he's good.

How the hell are we supposed to get out of here?

-Isn't this your cell? -Yes!

-So how'd you get out before? -I bribed Bucky!

-[Noah groaning] -Noah!

-What? -[Archer] That is annoying as shit!

And I doubt we can bribe Bucky again, since I crippled his girlfriend…

So what are we supposed to do now?

I don't know.

But I may as well go home and rest.

If they haven't escaped already,

Lana will be there any time now, and she'll get them out.

And it's not like I can do anything from here…

Exactly! So why do I have to stay?

Because Lana may call.

Or because I said so. Pick one.

[snores]

Who's jacking' it?

[whistles]

-Oh, my God! -And why the hell are you still here?

Um, I… this is, uh, what was I doing?

Whatever it was, you better pray it had about three coats of Scotchgard.

And that it wasn't…

[farting]

Ugh, Pam…

Ugh.

[farting]

[sighs]

[Lana] His narrow twinky ass better not steal the boat, is all I'm saying…

Oh! And just, before we get in there, I am not still attracted to Archer!

I'm sure he's still attracted to me, I mean, he'd have to be, uh, blind,

not to, um… I am so sorry about that.

Does it hurt?

Ray, seriously, I'm sorry.

Oh, now you're giving me the silent treatment? What're you, six?

[gasps]

[Ray] No…

Just professional.

Hey, pirates…

[Archer] Okay, then how 'bout this?

-We set Noah on fire-- -Wait. What?

And when they come to put him out, we overpower them.

Don't have a lighter.

Well then I'm out of ideas.

And also out of luck!

Because no rescue for you, Archer!

We catch your friends on beach!

But-- Ray? Holy shit, where'd you--

Get that eye patch?

What're you, in pirate disguise? Great job, buddy! Looks great!

Lana?

You, you came all this way to rescue me?

-Oh, my God… -Archer, don't you…

Still got it pretty bad for me, huh?

-Archer… -[chuckles]

Archer, don't you dare say…

Whoo!

[theme music playing]