All language subtitles for Archer - S00E04 - Heart of Archness - Part 1 .en

[automated voice] Agent Sterling Archer,
codename Duchess.

License to kill.

Primary skills: covert operations,

unarmed combat,

firearms,

explosives,

asset acquisition,

enemy agent disposal.

Current status: missing.

[Malory] For three months!

Sterling's been missing for three months
and you idiots have nothing!

Well, name-calling's not gonna get us…

[bleeping]

-…anywhere.
-Which is where Archer could be.

Malory, we've checked
every safe house, run down every lead.

And he hasn't touched any
of his bank accounts, so unless he… Oh.

Were you gonna say,
"Unless he's been skimming

tons of cash from
his operations accounts all these years"?

Yeah. Duh, right?

-He wouldn't dare steal from me.
-Oh please, we all…

think he would dare to do that.

So we've got
a highly-ish skilled covert agent

who probably
has millions of dollars in cash--

Who doesn't want to be found.

Being looked for
by people who don't want to find him.

-Oh, now…
-Meaning whom?

Oh, don't give me that!

You're all secretly
delighted that he's gone!

-Well, I wouldn't say delighted, but…
-I cannot say I miss the bullying.

Me neither. Plus,

ISIS actually turned
a profit this quarter.

Be that as it… No, never mind.

Because since you've
all been half-assedly phoning it in…

Malory, he can't be found.

-I mean, if he's even still, um--
-Still what?

Alive?

Jeezow, talk about duh.
I bet he already totally killed himself.

-[gasps]
-No, he didn't.

-What's wrong with you?
-Nothing.

'Cause my skeevy Russian
fiancée wasn't murdered

in front of my very eyeballs
at my stupid wedding!

[Archer screaming] No!

Katya!

-No!
-[Barry] Whoo!

How's that feel, Archer, huh?

Now both our weddings are canceled!

[yells] Barry!

[laughs] Is that how you crash a wedding?

Yes it is, Bionic Barry, yes it is.

No, no matter how
distraught Sterling is over Katya,

he won't kill himself.
He'd never do that to me.

He's alive somewhere,
and since you fools can't find him,

I called in someone who can.

Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.

"Manhunter"? Now, if that's not
the pot calling the kettle black…

Oh, Rip, you old so-and-so.

How are you, Mal? Besides gorgeous?

Oh, I'm not. I'm a mess.
I'm worried half to death about Sterling…

Don't be. I tracked him down.

-See?
-What? How?

Yeah, this new thing
called intelligence gathering…

Anyhoo, he's on a little island
called Wapuni in French Polynesia…

-With his millions in cash--
-…tending bar.

Or not.

So I'll pick him up tonight,
then, say three days back to New York.

-So if you're not busy Friday night…
-I'll book us our old booth at 21.

Outstanding. Riley out.

-What a hunk.
-Total sploosh.

Actually, yeah,
gotta give him the sploosh.

And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is…

which I guess is just sploosh.

Only with semen.

[opening theme music playing]

[tropical music playing]

[woman] Oh, my God.

I can't believe I just did that.
You know, I'm not like that.

Hey, C'mon, don't do that.

Don't ruin your post-coital bliss
with a bunch of misplaced guilt.

How is it misplaced? I'm on my honeymoon!

Well, at least you got a honeymoon.
My fiancée was murdered.

-Wait. What?
-Yeah.

Oh, and you married an idiot.

I mean, who plays 36 holes
of golf on the first day of his honeymoon?

Because, not to-- Whatever, but that
can't bode well for your marriage.

Get the hell out, you piece of shit!

Seriously, I hope she didn't
sign a pre-nup, because--

Oh, my God! [clears throat]

Hey, so, what happened was
somebody ordered room service,

but the regular room service guy--
He died,

so I came in here, then I fell on the bed.

Wait, you're not her husband.

And you're not one of my dick bosses,
so, can I help you?

Yes, you can quickly and quietly walk down
to the dock and board my seaplane.

Okay, A, rhetorical, and B, your what?

Seaplane. Looks like an airplane
had a baby with a boat.

Yeah, I know what a seaplane is, idiot.

And yet you're surprisingly unclear
on the phrase "quickly and quietly."

And even more unclear on who you are.

Name's Rip Riley. Your mother hired me
to bring you back, Sterling.

She what? I mean, who?
I-- I'm-- I-- I'm Randy, see?

So you can just
go back to that other guy's mother

and tell her that even if you did find
that other guy,

he's never coming back to ISIS!

Wait, did you say ISIS, or…

How did ISIS suddenly
get in the mix is what I'm asking.

And I'm asking you,
for the last time, to get on that plane.

Um, you wanna try and make me?

-No, I don't, and I promise--
-Rip?

[shatters]

You don't want that either.

[Archer] Hey, so, listen…

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

But I'm willing to, you know,
let bygones be gone by the wayside.

Good to know, but I'm there yet.

Well, you know, give it some time.

Speaking of,
how long is this stupid flight?

-[Rip] Eh, about 40 hours in the air…
-[Archer] Hooray…

But I have to island-hop to refuel.

Old loosey-goosey here

only has a range of about
1,000 nautical miles.

Yeah, making it wildly impractical,
got it.

This plane is totally practical!

Maybe for the ridiculous image

-you're trying to cultivate for yourself.
-What image?

Sky captain of yesteryear!

At least I'm not sky captain
of I ran away from home.

I didn't run away from home.
I'm a grown man--

whose fiancée
was murdered in front of his very eyes!

So excuse me for needing
some time to grieve.

By tending bar and banging newlyweds?

Apparently that's my grieving process.

And also I need to use the bathroom.

A, it's called the head. And B, no.

Pee in your pants.

Uh, yeah, wrong number.

And I've literally had nothing but liquor
and mangoes for three months,

so unless you wanna fly
1,000 nautical miles sitting next to that…

Okay, I'm setting the auto-pilot.
But this better not be a ruse.

[laughs] A ruse?

[makes ringing sound] Hello?

Hi, it's the 1930s. Can we have our words
and clothes and shitty airplane back?

-Let's go, kid.
-Call you back, 1930s.

And hey, watch out for
that Adolf Hitler. He's a bad egg!

-No, one pedal fills it with water.
-[Archer] I did that.

And the other pedal flushes it!

No, it doesn't. Ugh, you come try,
I gotta choke down this gag reflex.

-[clicks]
-Yeah. Ha ha.

Quit being a dick
for five seconds and unlock the door.

It doesn't have a lock.

I'm gonna puke, and there's
no room in the toilet or the sink.

-What the hell'd you put in the sink?
-[crashes]

A ruse.

You big dumb idiot.

And also a bunch of shaving
cream and toilet paper.

[chuckles] Just because.

And where does Malory get off implying
we didn't try our best to find Archer?

No, she straight up said it.

What she implied
was that we're jealous of Archer

and you hate yourself
'cause you're still like him.

I-- that's-- What?

Oh please, you're so hot for him
I could re-heat this chili in your cooch.

Don't you have some… humans to resource?

Actually, no. Most of my job's

dealing with sexual harassment complaints
against Mr. Archer, so…

We gonna make some cooch chili or what?

[Rip mumbles]

What's-- What the--
What in holy hell are you doing?

Well, it was gonna be an old fashioned,
but I couldn't find any bitters, so I…

-How long was I out?
-It's hard to say.

After I shaved and stuff,
I took a pretty long nap, so…

Uncuff me, you idiot. Holy God,
if we overshot our chance to refuel…

-I thought you put it on auto-pilot.
-It just maintains course and altitude.

It doesn't know how to find
the only airstrip within 1,000 miles

so it can land itself when it needs gas!

Then I, uh-- misunderstood the concept.

Uncuff me!

Okay. God. Wait, first promise you
won't take me back to ISIS.

ISIS? You'll be lucky if
I can get us back to land!

Now, uncuff me!

Okay. God.

Wait a minute. Is this a ruse?

[engine rumbles, sputters]

Because if it is…

Pretty elaborate.

[Rip] Dammit! There goes number two.

But it can land on water, right?
I mean, isn't that the whole point?

It's a kinda different story when
we're dropping like a ton of bricks.

Ah, damn, I can barely hold her level.

Want me to help steer, or…

-Haven't you done enough already?
-What? How is this suddenly my fault?

Okay, this is it.

C'mon, loosey-goosey, you can do it.

Looking good, girl!

I think we're gonna be okay!

-Wait, you didn't put the wheels down.
-The what? No, what are you doing?

[screams] No!

[clicks]

[gurgling] Damn it!

[cocks]

[air hisses]

[gasps]

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Two personal records!

For breath holding, and number
of sharks shot in the freakin' face!

Did you see that?

Dude, are you even alive?

No, that side's too low.

-Well, I can't tell from here.
-Well, I can, and it's too low.

I think you mean premature.

-What did you say?
-Nothing, it's just--

Archer obviously
doesn't want to come back,

so I don't know how
Riley's gonna get him on a plane.

-Which I bet will crash.
-[laughs] Yeah.

Now, you listen.

Sterling is coming home safe and sound,

and when he does
it'll be no thanks to you people,

so you can forget about getting carvel.

Aw, cookie puss.

Ow, that's, uh… What the…

What in the holy hell are you doing now?

Ugh, wondering why
this is called a d-ration.

Oughta call it a y-ration.

As in "Hey, this tastes like cat shit."

They're not candy bars,
jackass, they're survival rations.

And they might have to last us a while.

-Um…
-Oh, you son of a--

Okay, that's it.
As of right now, I'm-- what the?

Looking for this?

-Give me that weapon.
-No. You're agitated.

I'm "agitated"
because you crashed my plane into--

God knows if it's even the middle
of the Pacific ocean!

Yeah, which you're floating on
and not getting shit out of a shark in.

-Wait. What?
-I saved you from a shark, Rip.

Let's see, after I pulled you out
of that shit heap of a plane,

but before I gave you CPR
and bandaged your head.

Oh.

-Well, thanks.
-You're welcome.

-Sorry I ate so much food.
-That was a pretty dick move.

If it makes you feel any better,

-I puked most of it up.
-It doesn't.

Raft's pretty bobby.

Well, we've got a few
gallons of fresh water,

a desalinator for when that runs out.
Let's see…

flare gun and some flares,
fishing gear… Oh.

-And this guy.
-What is that?

-Emergency beacon.
-[beeps]

Beams a signal directly
to the ISIS satellite.

[Bilbo] Oh, well, that's just great.

Now I get to deal
with this as my hot meatball sub congeals

into a big fat disappointing blob of shit.

Nobody's gonna touch that?

Yeah, so I figure three days for ISIS
to get a rescue team out here.

Nice. So we just kick back,
catch a few rays, catch some sushi…

-It's not gonna be a picnic, but…
-Can I check that thing out?

Okay, but don't mess with those knobs.
I got the frequency all set.

Hey, thanks, Guglielmo Marconi.

Who I think invented the radio.

Over.

[Malory] But if the emergency beacon
is going off…

[gasps] Oh, my God, their plane crashed.

[gasps] I said that would happen
and it did.

[gasps] Oh, my God,
what if I have psycho-kinetic powers?

I don't know.
Just try to only use 'em for good.

-No.
-[Malory] Well?

Don't just sit there
sweating like a gigantic cheese.

-do something.
-Ow! And I am.

Our satellite's
locked on the beacon, which is, jeez,

the middle of nowhere.

Lana, Ray. Get there this instant.

Uh, sorta following up
on his thing about the middle of nowhere…

How? [gasps]

The black titanium corporate card?

I thought it was just a myth.

Like a big, beautiful, no-limit unicorn.

Charter a private jet to Honolulu.

Then, I don't care
if you have to buy a plane,

get out there and find him.

Wait, no, that's not in the budget.

Say "budget" to me again, Cyril.

Save your receipts, please.

And call me
the very instant you have an update.

-And you…
-[slaps]

You lose my son, you'll have to drink

your meatballs subs through a straw.

Again, ow.

And again, the satellite is locked
on the beacon, so unless he--

-I dunno, throws it away…
-What?

Why the hell would he do that?

I told you, I'm not going back there.

Well, you say that…

Riley, no… I will shoot you.

And then I'll shoot you, with a flare.

And then I'll use a d-ration bar

and two survival crackers to make s'mores

over the crackling fire
that used to be your chest cavity.

God damn, dude.

Sorry, but you're acting really crazy.

Well, being a spy makes you crazy.

I mean what kind of job
is that where your fiancée gets murdered?

Hello? Stress.

And don't even get me
started on my mother.

-I mean, she--
-She can be a steel-clad bitch, I know.

Why do you think I left ISIS?

What? You were an ISIS agent?

Briefly, way back.

It didn't work out because, your mother--

Was impossible to please, right?

-God, if you only knew.
-What?

How much your mom loves you.

You would at least have the heart
to go tell her you're quitting in person.

Eesh. Rather get shot with a flare.

Oh, man up. Talk to your mother.

Then you can go be a bartender
and destroy a new marriage every week.

Oh, c'mon, that marriage was doomed.

And so are we
if we don't work together out here,

so… truce?

-Uh, yeah.
-[ship bell rings]

And hey, we're not doomed. Look!

Over here!

-Hey!
-No, no.

-Over here!
-Quit waving! Get down.

-Don't you wanna get rescued?
-Yeah, but those could be pirates.

What? Okay, well, they'll just have to do

till we find some cowboys and Indians.

-What?
-What what?

What're you talking about?

I'm sorry. I didn't know pirates were…

still a real thing.

[Archer] Man,
this is not at all what I pictured.

I mean, you hear "pirate ship",
you think sails, cannonballs…

And not one of these guys has a beard.

-Are you done?
-Hang on.

Planks. Now I'm done.

Because the fact that we're still alive
tells me that they're gonna wanna try--

Don't say rape.

-Ransom us.
-Awesome.

Compared to rape.

Which seems like a thing pirates would do.

But those numbskulls
who picked us up were so drunk…

Now that did seem piratey.

They forgot to search me.

Unless you got a bunch of navy S.E.A.L.s

-stuffed in your pants…
-No, I've got the signal beacon.

-So?
-So we just stall the pirates

until the ISIS rescue team team shows up,

boards the ship,
and takes 'em all out. Bing, bang, boom.

[laughter]

-Which is funny why?
-Gee, where do I start?

[Gillette] I will start
with the caviar and the '38 Montrachet,

then do the Kobe tartare
with this '42 Lapin.

And this chocolate terrine looks insane.

And then I guess just send me
to fat camp and pray to God

I don't eat all those fat,
delicious children.

Because I will gobble them up.

Wow, ISIS has really gone downhill.

But there must be some good agents.

It kills me to say it, but it maybe Lana.

Ray, I doubt that's what Malory had
in mind when she gave us the card.

-You know, we are on a rescue mission.
-Ugh, rescue me from myself.

Such a fatty.

But even so, I wouldn't
put all my rescue eggs in that basket.

-Well? You got a better plan?
-I don't. I'm not really a planner.

My process is a little more… organic.

[door opens]

[speaks Malay] For the Captain.

So let's just play it by ear,
see where the afternoon takes us.

See? This is why I like to keep it loose.

I mean, the wine's crap, but-- Oh, sorry.

No offense, captain.

No, I'm who is sorry.

This is from million dollar yacht.

Now I don't feel bad for killing them.

Serves 'em right, those jerks.

But you know wine. You rich man.

-Me? No, I'm, uh--
-Rich man!

My men take this off you.

The Omicron Spacemaster.

Oh, it's actually
the spy-- acemaster, yeah.

Good ol' Spacemaster.

"To Sterling. Love, mother."

-Your mother rich lady.
-Uh, yeah, crazy rich.

She invented the splashless urinal cake.

The what?

The-- doesn't matter.

She's rich and she loves me,

and I'm really rich,
and this is my manservant…

-Jerkins.
-Funny stuff.

Not now, Jerkins.

So I bet she'd pay whatever
ransom you ask for.

Splashless urinal cakes
have been pretty good to us,

-as you can imagine.
-Teah, this good to hear.

But we can't do any
of that "mail somebody a finger"--

No, no, no, we take you back to my island,

call your mother, get a big big money!

Awesome.

Compared to finger-mailing.

So, tell me about this island of yours.

It's a tiny little rock called Pangu.

Nothin' else within 1,000 miles,

and the beacon's been
headin' straight for it at about 20 knots.

So a ship must have picked them up.

But I've never even heard of Pangu.

Is there a naval base there, or…

Mm, not exactly.

-It's more of a, uh…
-Pirate fortress.

No, yeah, I just wanted to make sure
you said the phrase "pirate fortress."

Which apparently, yes,
you did, say the word "pirate"

-followed by the word…
-[captain] Fortress!

That is the word. My English so crap.

[Archer] I bet you just need
more practice.

Try this: "Jerkins, you're a douchebag."

-Funny stuff.
-Jehkin, you dooshback.

Keep at it. Oh, and hey,
did we cross the international date line?

Because I can change the date
for you on that Omicron Spacemaster.

Eh? Yeah, okay, dumb guy.

Yeah, I mean,
you wouldn't want to be walking around

like a dickhead
with the wrong date on your…

-What?
-Omicron Spymaster!

What the hell, dumb guy?

It's the Omicron Spymaster.

Which is why it's
got knockout gas, and a garrote,

and I think even a laser,

and Riley,
do I have to kill everyone myself?

Huh? Oh.

[grunts]

Oh, shit!

-Ack!
-Seriously, what the hell, Riley?

I didn't know you were making a move!

Um, dickhead?

Takes one to know one.

No, dickhead was the go word.

How was I supposed to know?

Yeah, sorry.
I forgot to tell you the go word was--

-[captain] Dooshback!
-What?

I kill you.

But even still, Riley,
you gotta be quicker.

-I know you're pretty old, but--
-Now that I know the go word, I--

No, idiot, it changes every time.

-Well, what is it now?
-Pirates.

That's kinda confusing since we're on a--

Ow! Come on,
that was right in my freakin' ear!

-Sorry, I know that hurts.
-Come on!

Happens to me kind of a lot.

I actually have like mild tinnitus now.

It's gotten to where I had
to start sleeping with a fan on.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, otherwise it's like "eeeee"…

No, you just killed like 10 pirates.

Wow, if the five-year-old me knew that,
he would get a huge boner.

No idea why I said that.

Well, once these idiots figure out
they can turn those 20mm cannons

on the wheelhouse, we're gonna be…

[men clamoring outside]

Kinda confused.

-What are they doing?
-They're surrendering.

-Why? All they have to do is--
-Shut up. Who cares why?

I do. What if this is a ruse?

It's not a ruse. Say something
before they change their minds.

Do they speak English?

Um… hello, pirates.

Who speaks English? Let me see some hands.

Wow, way more than I thought.

[man] Uh, excuse me?

Sorry. Hi, I'm Noah.

-What're you, the first mate, or…
-[laughs] Oh, well, thanks.

-No, I'm a slave pirate.
-Okay.

It's sort of a-- I guess
the nearest translation is "slave pirate".

-Do you speak English?
-[Noah] I do, yes.

They don't, though.
They're just surrendering the ship to you.

[speaks Malay] And the fort.

-Yeah.
-And the fort.

-Why?
-You're the new captain.

[both] The what?

Well, if you kill the old captain,
you become the new captain.

I know you don't think
of pirates as having a lot of rules,

but they actually do,
and that's a big one.

Well, tell them… hands down.

[speaks Malay] Hands down.

Holy shit.

Did you see that?

No, I'm too busy looking at that.

What is… what am I seeing?

[Noah] Oh, the women always throw
a huge feast when we return to port.

Should I tell them to cancel it, or…

Huh? Uh, um, no.

No, we're totally feasting. Say that.

[speaking Malay] Let's start… party!

[all cheer]

Nice plan. Once they're good and drunk,

we'll turn this tub around and head home.

Home? Riley, I am home.

What? Over my dead body
you're running away to be a pirate.

Of course I'm not gonna be a pirate.

[guns cock]

I'm gonna be a pirate king.

[theme song playing]