All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E11

(Bird caws, dog barks)

Okay so, as we all know,

I think surprise parties are tacky,

and far too often organized
by well-intentioned people

with very bad taste.

But... Patrick has always wanted one,

poor thing.

So I am throwing him a
surprise party... tonight.

Johnny: Well David, these
kinds of parties take time,

and... planning.

Now, when I planned that
Casablanca-themed party

for your mother's 40th,

I had to quarantine
the camels for a month.

- Mhmm.
- Yeah David,

this is all feeling very
sketchy and last minute-y.

I've actually been organizing
this for quite some time,

I'm just telling you right now

because I know that none
of you can keep a secret.

Oh! At 9 a.m. it's a little early

for character assassination.

Not one of you knows how
the "Crows" movie ends.

You told me the day you got home.

You gave me the script.

And you were both sworn to secrecy,

so David is right not to trust you.

Yeah, this is why I'm
reluctant to tell you

that there is an extra surprise tonight.

I invited Patrick's parents.

Oh my God, David!

Oh, that is very exciting news, son!

Meeting the parents!

That's a big step.

Yes, things are certainly racing along

at a dangerously rapid velocity.

Thank you so much, we're doing great.

Now, I will only be
throwing one surprise party,

and one surprise party only.

So tonight there will be a surprise.

And there will be tears.

Even if they're just my own. Okay?

How did it end again?
Like, a crowmageddon?

Crowpocalypse.

- But you didn't hear it from me.
- (Snickers)

- So...
- Wow.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

This is a really big deal, Johnny.

I mean, meeting my best friend's son's

boyfriend's parents
for the very first time,

I am very touched that you wanted me

to share this moment with you.

I asked you to mow the
lawn three times, Roland,

So you being here is more
your decision than mine.

(Door latch clicks)

- Oh! Clint... Hello.

Oh, hi!

- Hi.
- You must be the Brewers.

I'm Clint. This is my wife, Marci.

What a special moment
this is for all of us, huh?

- (Chuckles)
- You must be David's Dad.

Oh, no, no! I do get
that all the time, though.

It's uh, you know, you've got
David's handsome looks there,

and then my face.

Yeah, I'm David's father, Johnny Rose.

Johnny, it's a pleasure to meet you.

- Yes, hi.
- Hi.

Now, Patrick tells me you run the motel.

More like, runs it into the ground.

(Laughs uproariously)

Oh, we do have a lot of
fun around here, don't we?

We do, sometimes.

Roland, do you want to
get the room key for them?

Sure.

So this is all very exciting.

I assume we'll see you tonight?

Oh you definitely will.

So Patrick has been
keeping us up to date

about everything he and
David have been doing,

and I think it's amazing
how far they've come.

Yes, yes, yes it is.

But uh, I'll have to admit,

I've been somewhat of a
skeptic about those two.

This one isn't as
progressive as the rest of us.

It's a generational thing with him.

I was talking about the store, Roland.

You know, mixing a business relationship

and a romantic
relationship, well, that's...

it can get kinda tricky sometimes.

I-I-I missed
the last part

of what you just said. The uh...

Oh, well, you were aware
they were in business

together as well, right?

We knew that part, yes.

Really? Because it kind of
seems like the two of you

just found out some really
shocking information.

Did I... speak out of turn?

I-I think we'll just go to the room,

and get ready for the
big surprise tonight.

Oh, sure.

(Door latch clicks)

(Door slams)

Huh. Correct me if
I'm wrong here, Johnny.

But it kinda seems like they didn't know

their son is in a
relationship with David.

(Gasps) You're looking especially fresh

and photogenic today, Mother.

Why thank you, Alexis.

Perhaps it's my excellent news.

I found a very promising revenue stream

to help finance the little
deficit we've accrued

- on "Cabaret".
- What might that be?

Well, according to the radio,

there's a darling little
medical clinic in Elm Grove.

Where if any one of us,
say, you, or your father,

participates in a few nugatory tests,

we could be bringing
in over $200 a week!

(Gasps)

Or, you could make
$2,000 in one afternoon.

Ugh, which test is this?

I'm talking about the
soap opera fan convention

that's happening today.

I looked at your calendar,

so I know that you have the day off.

Working from home.

I already purchased a booth.
Your name is on the website,

and I just printed out
all of these headshots

for you to sign.

Obviously I will be taking commission.

Alexis, there's a good reason

I've avoided these
conventions in the past.

Showing up, taking
your picture with a...

motley crew of pale,
dewy-faced salamander people.

I haven't hit rock bottom quite yet.

It's a matter of self-worth.

You did a commercial for adult diapers!

In Japan!

In full-face Kabuki makeup!

Okay. As your acting publicist,

I'm putting my foot down.

We're doing this. You need the money,

and this is how you're gonna get it.

Look at you.

- Hmm!
- Very well.

But there will be a safe
word in case the gaggle

of asymmetrical faces
gets to be too much.

Deal. I'll start the car.

(Car rumbles)

Okay, so I told Patrick
that there's a salmonella

outbreak at the cafe,

so he will not be coming here
until I tell him to tonight.

Oh. Is it possible you could maybe...

choose a lie that doesn't make the cafe

look like it's in
violation of health codes?

I think it's a pretty good one.

(Panting) David!

You said you were only
gonna be half an hour.

(Panting)

Did you run here, Mr. Rose?

No! Just a pleasant walk.

Okay, I'm on a site
survey for the party.

Why, what's going on?

Well, I-I just checked in
"you know who's" parents.

What? They're not supposed to be here

for another 11 minutes!

Well, nothing to worry about.

Um, random question for you.

They're aware that you
and Patrick are uh...

romantically involved, right?

Of course they are.
Why wouldn't they be?

Well, they're definitely aware

that you're business partners,

it's just that uh, if I recall,

at one point Patrick was engaged

ahem... to a woman, so...

Okay, what did you say to them?

Nothing, nothing!

It's more how they
reacted when I brought up

the fact that you two were...

romantically in
business with each other.

Ew!

Yeah, they-they looked
a little... shaken.

- Shaken?
- Well, upset.

- Upset?!
- David, they know, right?

Of course they know!

I wouldn't have asked them
to come here if I didn't think

they knew we were in a relationship!

They call the store all the time!

I mean, what do they think,

I'm just his business partner?!

- Possibly.
- I mean, yeah.

Oh my God! Okay!

Everybody calm down! Nobody
say a word to anybody!

- Well, that sounds reasonable.
- What did I just say?!

(Car door slams, horn honks)

A few things to expect.

Now, the fans will either
want a signed picture,

a picture and a handshake,

or a picture either of you, or with you.

Well, that's reasonable.

Now, if they ask for
pictures of your feet...

Hailey, you have been more than helpful.

If I might have a moment
alone with my daughter?

Slash publicist, thank you.

Alexis dear, now is bad
a time as any to tell you.

There is a dark side
to Mummy's industry,

and I've tried to protect
you from it your whole life.

You took me to the Playboy
Mansion when I was seven.

And you had a wonderful time
in the children's grotto.

But, this!

Alexis, you shouldn't have to see this.

Thespians selling their
autographs for money

in cheerless convention centers.

- Mhmm.
- Oh God, no!

We have to get out of here, Alexis!

- What's going on?
- That's Gloria Gregson.

Who's Gloria Gregson?

Who's Gloria Gregson?!

She only played Grace
on "Touched With Grace"

for 37 years.

The woman has 17 Emmys
for playing a hot-headed

nurse who healed people
with her sexual touch.

I can't have her see
me in a place like this!

- Come on!
- Moira?

Mmm!

No, no, it is...

the Gloria Gregson?

Oh, darling!

Well, look at you, you look gorgeous!

I'm so glad you're here, darling.

I'm usually the only
marquee name at these things.

I'm shocked by my presence as well.

And I am Alexis Rose, Moira's
publicist and daughter.

Oh! Daughter? More like sister.

- (Laughs)
- Ew.

(Insects buzz)

(Key rattles in lock)

Happy Birthday!

Thank you.

Flowers are for you;
the pizza's my lunch.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Mm! So, how's the store?

Thriving. But more
importantly, how are you?

You gotten some calls from
some family or friends?

Yeah, I talked to my
parents a little while ago.

They're on like, a weekend getaway,

so they couldn't chat long, but...

Did you tell them about dinner?

Uh, they were actually just
pulling up to their hotel

so they had to jump off but...

Oh. Um, speaking of your parents,

I've been piecing
together that I don't think

I ever spoken to them outside of work.

Is that weird?

Okay. I'm sure you... I'm sure you have.

Yeah...

Like, they know about me, right?

Of course they know about
you, what do you mean?

What are you-why?

Like they know about "us", right?

Um...

Okay listen, David.

I've have been wanting
to tell them about us.

I really have, I just was
waiting to do it in person,

and then I didn't go
home for the holidays,

and then I was feeling
so comfortable with you,

- and your family.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I-I don't know
why I assumed, um...

So all this time, your parents
thought they were just...

talking to your...
your business partner?

Okay.

David, I know my
parents are good people,

I just... (Emotional exhale)

Hmm...

I can't shake this, this fear that...

there is a small chance that
this could change everything.

That they might see me differently,

or treat me differently.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

But I'm gonna deal with this

as soon as I see them next, okay?

Okay, what you're dealing
with is very personal.

And something you should
only do on your terms.

Okay?

That's why I brought
this couple home one day

in college, and just told
my parents to deal with it.

(Laughs)

I'm a take-charge guy, David.

I like to take charge of things
in my life, you know that.

Yep, mhmm.

You're upset. I would be, too.

Yeah. Uh, it's not about that.

Ahem... heh.

You're gonna laugh yourself

right out of the closet on this one.

You know how you've always
wanted a surprise party?

David, I don't think this
is how surprise parties work.

Yeah, I know, it's just...

part of that surprise was inviting...

your parents... here.

What?

Yeah. I realize that was a big mistake.

I-I should've talked to you.

I could be just your
business partner tonight.

- If that will help.
- No, David.

I, I can't have you do that.

I owe it to us to tell them.

I want them to know.

(Laughs) Yeah, maybe this whole thing

is a blessing in disguise, huh?

- It's at the cafe?
- Yeah.

The salmonella was a decoy.

Ooh...

(Preparatory exhale)

(Knocks)

Hi, Mrs. Brewer, Mr. Brewer.

I'm... I'm David Rose.

Oh, David, come in.

Oh, thank you.

Um...

I uh,

I brought you some things from the store

as a welcome present. We
ran out of the body milk,

so I threw in some extra lip balms.

Thank you, David.

I just wanted to come here and apologize

for a very unfortunate miscommunication.

So you're not in a
relationship with our son?

- Oh, no. I very much am.
- Oh.

Um, I was talking more
about how you found out.

Was it something we did, David?

- I'm sorry?
- Honey, stop!

No, I wanna ask.

Do you think if we'd
done things differently,

- that Patrick would still be...
- I understand that this news

can come as a shock... to some people.

But he is still the same person,

and it's his birthday, and he...

David, we're not upset
about Patrick being gay.

No.

Oh my God, okay!

For a minute I thought this
was gonna get very dark.

Ahem!

The thought that Patrick
was feeling like he couldn't

come and talk to us about this.

Is it because we were
so close with Rachel?

(Quiet knock)

- Hi.
- David.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Clint, Marci.

I see you've met my son.

How are you, David? Happy, I hope.

Uh, 'cause at the end of the day,

that-that's all that matters, isn't it?

Dad, it's fine.

They, they are fine
with Patrick being gay.

Oh. Oh, good.

Good, then no one really has to feel bad

about how this information
came out, then, huh?

So what do we do now?

Not go to the party?

I don't want to make him uncomfortable.

No, no, no, we are
all going to the party.

Patrick is planning
on telling you tonight.

So I think the best birthday
gift we could give him

at this point is to just...

keep him in the closet until then.

I know that came out wrong,

but we all understand
what I'm saying, right?

Okay.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Whew!

(Birds chirp)

As actresses we have to do
whatever it takes to survive.

Which is why I'm on
the convention circuit.

I do dozens a year.

I still can't quite believe that.

Well, can you believe
that because of them,

I have a vineyard in
the south of France?

You may have tried my wine,

"Touched With Grapes."

- Oh my God, that's your wine?
- Yes.

We used to use that for sangria,

because it was like, so cheap, and...

so good.

So the fiscal sweetener
negates any discomfiture

one might feel exploiting
their extremities

for a $20 bill?

$20?! I charge $50.

And just in case, I
wear open-toed sandals.

Darling, I used to spend my entire time

chasing after parts,

worrying about what
people thought of me.

It was exhausting! But no more.

These conventions are a godsend.

There is a freedom in letting go, Moira.

(Convention goers chatter)

Okay Alexis, let's do this
before I change my mind.

- Are you sure?
- Mhmm.

I don't want you to feel
like I'm pressuring you

- into anything.
- Oh, I'm sure.

As Gregson said, to milk
this for all it's worth.

So let's get it going.

I have some fans to meet!

(Crowd cheers)

Okay, here's how it's gonna go down.

It's 30 seconds each, tickets in hand,

or it's back of the line, and no,

she will not be clarifying
any "Sunrise Bay" plot points.

- Ahem! Feet!
- Oh yes.

And if we're talking
feet, it's $75 for one,

$150 for the pair.

(Crowd chatters)

(Crickets chirp)

He's coming, he's coming!

Okay, he's coming, he's coming.

So are we on lights?

Also, we're going with "Surprise."

"Happy Birthday" was too wordy,

and we couldn't nail it at rehearsal.

- Okay.
- Okay! Okay, great.

(Bell on door rings)

- (Patrick sighs)
- All: Surprise!

Oh my gosh!

David, I thought we were
just having a casual dinner.

Mhmm.

Johnny: Happy Birthday, Patrick!

What is happening? I thought
you guys were out of town!

- Well, we are.
- (Both laugh)

We're just so happy to be included.

You've got a really wonderful
friend here, Patrick.

Yep, I'm just glad you could
make it, Mr. and Mrs. Brewer.

Um...

well, I should leave
you all to catch up,

and spend some quality
time with your son.

But might I recommend the crab cakes?

I over-ordered, and they
cost a small fortune.

Hey, could I just have
two seconds with him?

Sure.

What if they don't react
the way I think they will?

Then I will be here.

And we'll get through it together.

Okay...

- I love you.
- I love you.

(Inhales deeply)

Well, I am suitably surprised.

Thank you guys for coming.

Clint: Well, we wouldn't miss it.

We just love you so much.

I love you guys, too.

- But um...
- Both: (Eagerly) Yes?

Well, there's something that uh...

that I've been meaning to tell you.

- You can tell us anything!
- Honey, let's just...

let him talk.

Uh, yeah.

So I guess this doesn't
really come naturally.

Um... David...

He seems like a really
great partner, honey.

- Marci.
- In business.

Yeah, he is.

He's also a great partner
outside of business.

We're together.

David is my boyfriend.

And I've never been happier in my life.

And so I just, I hope
you guys can accept that.

Ohh! You are the only thing in the world

that matters to us.

And if David makes you happy,
then that's all we care about.

(Emotionally) Dad?

I like him.

I like him a lot. (Laughs)

Me too.

I don't understand his clothes, but...

(All laugh)

Ah, you will in time.

(Relieved) Oh man,

I didn't know how I
was gonna tell you guys.

Well, we're just glad you finally did.

Happy birthday, my sweet boy.

Thank you.

♪

So I know that you're annoyed
that the surprise got blown,

but this party might go down

as one of the happiest
nights of my life.

Well, I guess that makes up for the fact

that no one ate the crab cakes.

Well...

so how long have they known?

- I'm sorry?
- My parents.

How long have they known? About us?

Um, I don't know, I don't
know what you're talking about.

David, I know my parents.

They're not good actors.

They knew about us, right?

Okay, my Dad might've told them,

but he, he thought they knew.

And the gift basket that you gave them

that I'm hoping you paid for,

that had nothing to do with you

trying to smooth things over with them?

It was just a very messy day,

And I was, I was trying
to detangle things, and...

- and just make everything okay.
- Yeah.

Well, you made everything okay.

Twyla: Not to step on the moment,

but uh, I do have to lock up in five.

- Oh.
- Right.

♪ What a feeling in my soul

♪ Love burns brighter
than sunshine ♪

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --