All language subtitles for 5. Il compagno Don Camillo (1965) BRRip 720p HighCode_Subtitles01 [SubtitleTools.com]

[Once upon a time
there was a town called Brescello.]

[We are telling you this story again,
always the same and yet different...]

[... because the priest Don Camillo
and the mayor Peppone...]

[... are always different
yet always the same...]

[... the proud leaders
of the two opposing factions.]

[Brescello, seen from the Right,
is Don Camillo's town.]

[Seen from the Left,
it's Peppone's town.]

[Seen from above, it's a town where
the adversaries fight hard...]

[... but never become enemies...]

[... and the voice of conscience
always has the last word.]

[Do you remember
the years after the war?]

[Then Don Camillo
was always on the attack...]

[... and Peppone a mayor
who behaved like a bulldozer.]

Those slimy black reptiles in cassocks
who, under the protection of the cross...

...try to poison...
- Jesus, did you hear that?

Why don't you strike them
with lightning?

If you strike someone with lightning
to make them realize their errors...

...why did I bother dying on the cross?

Very well! Are we supposed to wait
until they crucify us?

Or rather, till they kill us
with a nice burst of machine-gun fire?

Here, in broad daylight...

...provided he's not too frightened.

Stop!

It's none of your business.

You can only do what you want in here.

- In here?
- Of course.

This is your home.

Unless
the reverend priest...

...has his ears
lined with dollars!

And remember that those who are
now trying to deceive the people...

...are the same ones
who sold Jesus!

[At the time
in which this new story starts...]

[... the fight between the two sides
was still going on.]

[But the style was very different.]

- BUY AUTHENTIC, UNSOPHISTICATED
PRODUCTS FROM THE U.S.S.R. -

[Peppone had won yet again.]

[However, once he had updated
his wardrobe...]

[... and his vocabulary...]

[... he was trying to implement
the proletarian revolution...]

[... by marching around wearing a
double-breasted jacket and a Homburg.]

[Don Camillo was not able
to disguise himself...]

[... but, despite still wearing
the same old cassock...]

[... tried to adapt himself
to the new rules of the game.]

Citizens of Brescello,
I am not here to chant victory.

In fact, it is not the Communist Party
that has won, but democracy.

Is it not perhaps the most stunning
victory for democracy...

...when the workers' party obtains
97% of the vote, as it did here?

Er, I said 79%...

That is, to be precise
seven-seventy... 78.3% of the votes.

But we are not here
to talk about boring figures...

...but to make
two important announcements...

...which will infuriate
the black crows who nest...

...in the bell...
in the fields.

Now, citizens...

...thanks to efforts by the leader
of the Soviet Union, Khrushchev...

...the inaugurators
of a Russian kolkhoz...

...have offered the workers
of our agricultural cooperative...

...a magnificent gift.
I'll tell you what it is in a minute.

The second announcement
will be even more popular...

...but, before I announce it,
let's finish the first piece of news...

...moving on from words to facts.

Bring it on boys!

Long live the agricultural
cooperative! Long live the people!

There's no contact.

Is it making contact?

There's no contact.

What do you mean there's no contact?
Can't you see the dashboard's lit up?

You try.

Press the accelerator!

There. That's fixed.

That tractor
was built for a cold climate...

...it's too warm here.

Oh, don't talk nonsense, come off it!

That's enough, let's take it away.
We can't work here, it's too chaotic.

Take it to my garage. Off you go!

[Peppone
was a brilliant mechanic.]

[Never had an engine
entrusted to his care...]

[... refused to collaborate.]

[But this time...]

[... despite having spent three nights
dismantling and assembling it...]

[... Peppone had not succeeded
in persuading the Russian tractor...]

[... to start.]

Damn...

- Is that who's dying?
- No, he's in better shape than we are.

- Well who is dying here then?
- Nobody.

Pity.

Well who was
the idiot who phoned me?

- Me.
- You? - Yes.

Because if this
crate doesn't start...

You're the mechanic,
I'm a curate.

I know you are, so bless it!

- Bless this contraption? - Yes.
- Me? - Yes. - Why?

Because its engine must contain
all the curses of creation.

I wouldn't bless a Soviet tractor...

...even if it were dying.

Now I'll try starting it again,
but first, bless it, please.

Or bless the floor, the door...

...you can bless me if you like, may
the ground open up and swallow me...

...but bless something,
or I'll have a heart attack.

It's going boss! It's go...

Come on, climb in!

Off you go! Drive around the town,
and wake them all up!

Yes! They've been laughing for days
because it won't start! Accelerate!

[Don Camillo
should have known that...]

[... once the favor had been granted,
the saint would be neglected.]

[Once Peppone had restored
public credibility in...]

[... in the splendid gift from
the comrades of that Russian town...]

[... he made his second
important announcement.]

Lord, this is too much!
Wretch!

Hypocrite!

That's what he was plotting. He wants
to twin Brescello with a Russian town!

What does he intend to do,
Don Camillo?

It would be a sort of...
I'll explain later, Lord.

Now I must run.
They'll succeed over my dead body!

This marvelous...

...throbbing,
powerful work-tool...

...which is the tractor given
to us workers of Brescello...

...by our friends
the comrade workers of Bresk...

- Breskevesk. - Eh?
- Broskevi... Broskevosk.

Why, what did I say? Well, anyway,
a Russian town on the Don.

And what better way to honor
this marvelous gift...

...than by the moving idea
of twinning our two towns and...

But if this idea is not popular,
the Opposition must tell us.

Tell us, Attorney Benelli.
I hand over to the Opposition.

Councilor Attorney Benelli...

...could object
to the fact that you, Mr. Mayor...

...are taking matters into your hands
on behalf of all the citizens...

...over something that does not
concern the council...

...only morale
and common sense.

Attorney Benelli could also
put this dilemma to you:

...if you were in his shoes...

...and Generalissimo Franco
gave us...

...a bull trained for the corrida...

...or a batch of castanets...

...and we demanded to twin
our town with Madrid...

...what would you do?

In that case
we would laugh our heads off.

But we are not laughing at all,
we're wetting our pants!

A political burst of laughter
must have some sense...

...otherwise it's only
a lot of silly noise about nothing!

You may only propose this twinning
agreement, but then we need...

...a democratic referendum...

...then the people may decide
whether or not to be twinned...

...with a nest
full of Red vipers!

Silence! That's enough!

The Opposition's proposal
has been accepted!

Those of you with a good memory know
that we are not afraid of referenda!

Signatures will be collected
in compliance with the law.

- We'll see who wins! - Does the
Opposition have anything else to say?

Are you asking me? Ask the councilor!
What have I got to do with politics?

Well?

I have finished.

The session is over.

Well done Benelli!
Brilliant speech.

You look a little down in the dumps,
Don Camillo.

How come? After all,
your ideas won this evening.

I may have won a battle,
but not the war.

With the majority they received
at the elections...

...I don't see how or why
they should lose the referendum.

If only something could
overturn public opinion...

...and change
people's ideas and consciences.

Lord, in this case,
why don't you lend me a hand?

I won't get mixed up in twinning.
I regard you all as brothers already.

I know, Lord, but I would be grateful
for even one little suggestion.

Sir!

Who goes there?

Who are you?
What do you want?

We want to ask if it's possible
to stay here tonight.

But this isn't a hotel!
It's a church!

If not possible here,
other place.

Stable, barn.
We not possible go to hotel.

- No have money.
- That not reason.

I Sonia, he Sacha and ten other
comrades come Italy.

Then we escape. You help we.

We not want return
Soviet Union.

- To the Soviet Union?
- Yes.

So you belong
to that team of technical experts...

...which is here for research?
- Yes.

That's who they are, Lord. Did you see
Thursday's newspaper? Oh, pardon me.

- Very well, you can stay here.
- Thank you, sir.

No, no. The only one of any importance
here is up there on the cross.

- Are you hungry?
- Very hungry.

Well, that's no problem.

If anything the problem is
where to let you sleep.

A small bed is fine.

- Are you married?
- He yes. Me no.

Well that's no good.

Here you both have to be married
and to each other...

...to sleep together
in a small bed.

He not speak Italian.
He say men and women all equal.

Equal up to a point.

In fact men usually marry women
and women usually marry men.

Come on, this way.
In there.

Brilliant idea! Thank you, Jesus.

Don't thank me.
It wasn't my idea.

Well, are you enjoying
that, my children?

And that's just a little snack.

I promise you dinners worthy
of the Arabian Nights.

Hey! Tuck in, yum yum yum!

But we mustn't be so taciturn!

Here, when we're at table, we speak,
we discuss things, we tell stories.

[By now Don Camillo
had formulated a plan.]

[He didn't waste any time.]

[Seizing the phone
he woke up...]

[... the most stalwart members
of his faction.]

[He summoned them that very night
for a top-level conference.]

[Having informed
them of his important discovery...]

[... he gave the orders
that would set in motion...]

[... the plan to exploit
his secret anti-twinning weapon...]

[... for the purposes of propaganda.]

So, officially...

...they must be welcomed on the farms
as two French technical experts...

...who are visiting the region
for research. Is that clear?

They could visit three farms a day.
A sharecropper for breakfast...

...a tenant for lunch
and a land-owner for dinner.

[The action began on a sweet note...]

[... in Cavalier Benelli's famous
biscuit factory.]

[Spiced Xmas cake, gingerbread,
aniseed biscuits, millefeuilles...]

[... assorted sweets,
chocolates...]

In Stalingrad
I ate roast mice.

And bats. A great luxury, bats.
They cost twenty rubles each.

[Then they began to have lunches at
homes of farmer-laborers and tenants.]

[Ham from Langhirano, ravioli
in broth, turkey, guinea-fowl...]

[... mixed boiled meats, Grana cheese,
assorted cakes, Lambrusco wine...]

[... sour cherries in grappa...]
Terrible executions.

Nazis were amateurs
compared to the Russians.

Look at him!

They ripped his nails out!

Because I danced the twist...

...they cut off two of my toes: Zap!

[These working lunches
began to have practical results.]

Is it true that two families live
in one room?

Where I live there we are 18.

Impossible all sleep.
We take turns every two hours.

Six sleep,
others outside on stairs.

Poor people!

We conquer space. Yes, but
what price do Russian mothers pay?

They choose strongest kids
and train them as astronauts.

When kids only eight years old
they put on horses on merry-go-round.

Oh, that's nice!

Yes, but it turns
at 4,000 kilometers an hour.

Many little hearts not survive.
Bang! Explode!

- Boss!
- Eh? - Boss!

- Oh, the first round of signatures.
- Yes, but they're not signing.

- Why aren't they signing? - They
don't want to be twinned with Russia.

What do you mean they don't want
to be twinned? What are you saying?

Look here. All morning we've only got
50 signatures out of 300...

...including
my mother and my wife...

...otherwise I told them
they'd get it from me.

- What about Bigio?
- The same again.

But he hasn't even got
his wife's signature. She beat him up.

- Look. - Why aren't they signing?
For Pete's sake! What are they saying?

Nothing.
They just slam the door in my face.

Boss, there's something mysterious
about all this.

[But it remained mysterious because
although the tales of the fugitives...]

[... had aroused
horror and indignation...]

[... their human situation
had moved everyone...]

[... and no-one had
the heart to report them.]

[Peppone was despairing...]

[... and, in the end,
someone took pity on him too.]

I know why they're not signing.

But first swear to me you won't lay
a finger on anyone. Swear it!

Yes, I swear it!

One moment! I'm coming.

Oh! Mr. Mayor!

I'm sorry if I kept you waiting,
but I was just going to bed.

I thought it was the man collecting
signatures for the referendum.

Don't tell me you went
to the trouble of coming personally.

- Where are they?
- Who?

- Where are they?
- But who?

- The two Russians.
- There are no Russians here.

- There might be a French couple.
- French indeed! I know everything!

Where are you hiding them?

In what capacity do you wish to know?
As mayor, as a comrade...

...or as a comrade mayor
who has been tricked?

As a public official whose job it is
to ensure that the law is respected.

You are harboring two foreigners
without passports. It's a crime!

Hand them over, there's a good fellow
or I'll create a scandal!

I'll do no such thing.
But out of sheer curiosity...

...what do you intend to do with them?

Take them to the Russian Embassy!

Return them
to their rightful owners!

Each human being has
only one owner: Himself!

But...

Sonia!

Sacha!

Come out!

They will decide what they want to do.

- This suspicious individual...
- We hear everything.

What did they say?

Rather than go back
to that hell in Russia, he... bang!

- Da!
- Me too.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Russia isn't hell!

I mean, it's your great fatherland!

You should feel proud
to belong to that beacon...

...of civilization which lights the way,
which guides the world, which... Eh?

Nothing. Mr. Mayor,
here you are in a priest's house...

...and on land belonging to the Church
political propaganda is not permitted!

You have exploited these two
for your own political propaganda!

Oh, that's why you're so angry!

And now you want to take it out
on these poor innocent youngsters!

You mean
on these evil, turncoat traitors!

Mission accomplished, Mr. Mayor.
That's the way out.

Excellent! Now I'm going
to report you to the police...

...and farewell to everybody!
- Excellent idea!

- Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.
- Thank you.

Now you must ask for asylum
as political refugees...

...and we'll see who will benefit
most from this scandal.

In fact, don't bother.
I'm going to report myself right now!

No! No! Not that!
Please, it's not possible!

Why? It's the best thing to do.
You don't risk anything that way.

No! You say right before.

This way our escape cause
too great scandal for Russia...

...and Russia seek revenge.

Our families hunger, deported,
die! We not let them!

Rubbish! The usual shameful slander!
I don't believe it!

You not know.
You not been in Russia, we yes.

Alright, we go back. We dream
these wonderful days...

...with many kind, dear people.

Our wonderful plans.

To go to Genoa
to your important priest friend.

To work,
to collect money for ticket...

All gone. Too wonderful.
Dream gone. Never mind.

We go back there...

...to eat bats.

Better they take our nails
than our family's.

We ask just one last favor, sir.

Tell me!

Let us sleep last night free...

...in free country.

Swear on the Gospel
that you will not let them escape.

I swear.

Just as well, because the house
is surrounded by my men.

I've put pickets round the town.
They're everywhere.

So, now...
I'll come...

I'll come for them
tomorrow morning at eight.

Dasvidanya.

Good-night...

...Comrade Berija!

What did you tell him?

That you swear tomorrow
we taken back to the Russians.

Lord, after all, what is an oath?
It's only a word.

And what is a word compared
to the lives of two young creatures?

I don't know if you know,
but there's an underground tunnel...

...that starts under the crypt
and comes out...

Damnation,
hurry up!

Tell them to collect their belongings,
let's go!

Now?

But weren't you supposed to come
at 8 o'clock, comrade?

Yes, the comrade was supposed
to come at 8, but I'm here now.

And may I ask why?

Because you have sworn
not to let them escape but I haven't!

I don't know if you know this
but under the crypt...

...there's a tunnel that leads
to the embankment.

Well, I'll be there waiting
with the car!

Thank you, Lord.
Wait!

- And where might you be taking them?
- To the train for Genoa, dammit!

Isn't that where those two
unfortunate souls wanted to go?

And how will you explain
things to your men tomorrow morning?

I'll give them a lecture
they won't forget.

I'll teach them to let people escape
right under their noses...

...and to trust priests.

- Tovarisc!
- Thank you, sir, thank you!

Thank you for what!
Don't thank me!

And, in particular,
don't you dare tell me...

...any more of your damned lies
about Russia!

I want to continue to believe in it!

[Don Camillo
thanked the good Lord...]

[... for having given him
such an understanding adversary.]

[The next day, using a pretext
he drove into town.]

[He certainly did not want...]

[... to be in town
when Peppone announced...]

[... the result of the referendum
and his downfall.]

[He got back in the afternoon, when
he assumed everything would be over.]

My respects, Reverend.

Your signature's the only one missing,
if you'd like to sign our petition.

If you can find anywhere to put
your signature.

- Because, as you can see...
- Eh?

Attorney Benelli?
And Rosa Carbone?

Feel free to peruse, Reverend!
Here's your verger's signature.

It's not possible, they must be fake.

The signatures
are authentic, Reverend.

We only deal
with the real McCoy, you know.

You? What do you mean?

But perhaps the reverend
hasn't heard the news!

Perhaps you haven't seen
today's newspaper yet?

- Here, look at this.
- No, no!

That's a party newspaper.
The reverend might not believe it.

Let's show him
an independent newspaper, here we are.

As you can see, it would appear
that you distort the truth.

Your Russian fugitives prove to be one
Coretti Adolfo from Busto Arsizio...

...and Andreini Giuliana
from Carate Brianza.

...disappointed and embittered.

But disappointed in your stupidity.

What? Just because those two
Russians prove to be fakes...

...you want to leap into the arms
of that dreadful country, Russia?

Betrayed by my best friends...

...who have signed
like a bunch of stupid blockheads.

And I would like to know who started
the rumor that I briefed the couple.

If that person has the courage
to say so to my face, they may do so!

I give you my word,
I'll smash his teeth in!

Sorry, Lord.

That is why,
my dear parishioners...

...your humble pastor
has lost his appetite.

For three days he hasn't even eaten
a piece of bread...

...and he's decided
to go on fasting.

Because the only way left
for him to protest against...

...the shameful sacrilege
for which you are all responsible...

...is a hunger strike.

He must be joking!

He could never go on hunger strike!

- Who's going to take him seriously?
- No-one, with that paunch!

In the morning, do you know what?

Instead of coffee, he devours
a pan of minestrone for breakfast!

If he keeps it up for four hours,
it means he must be cheating!

[On the contrary, Don Camillo
was taking it very seriously.]

[He had called a notary
to place official seals...]

[... on the doors of the larder,
the wine-cellar and the fridge.]

Do you want to check,
Mr. Mayor?

No, I have
more serious things to attend to.

- Can I shut it?
- One moment.

Now you can shut it.

[He would not listen to anyone,
not even his most trusted friends.]

[He was determined to fast
for as long as it took...]

[... to prevent the ill-omened
twinning plan from being realized.]

[He had placed his armchair
in the middle of the dining-room...]

[... and took up
permanent residence in it.]

[The town could check up on him
through the open window...]

[... as if he were on permanent display
in a shop-window 24 hours a day.]

[A living and dying reminder
for the conscience of his parishioners.]

Hey! Shall we go and have a peek
at fakir Burma?

No don't, it'll give
him too much pleasure!

- No, that's enough!
- Don't give him the satisfaction!

Keep it up, Gandhi!
Keep it up, you're on your own!

[And Don Camillo did keep it up
according to the rules.]

He was under medical supervision, like
many of his famous predecessors...]

[... who had resorted
to this kind of gut-oriented protest.]

[Every day, at noon...]

[... the verger pinned up
the medical bulletin.]

Now then, blood pressure: 85-110.

It's gone down again.

- His pulse is slower, too.
- And what's his temperature today?

35.7°.
Almost the same as yesterday.

Weight: 89.2 kg.

Lord, I hear the noise of forks,
twittering away like little birds!

It's tough, Jesus.

But why am I telling you?

You know better than I do...

...you've been through it.

You fasted
for forty days in the desert.

But how did you do it?

I... I'm only...

...on day four
and already...

Lord, did you also suffer
from hallucinations?

For example, did you see...

...yes, that door handle!
It looks like a cannellone!

A huge cannellone,
a stuffed cannellone.

Why don't you answer?

Why don't you talk to me any more?

Perhaps it's me
who can't hear you any more.

That must be it.

I'm too weak.

Don Camillo!

Don Camillo!

Don Camillo, can you hear me
or are you already in hell?

Not yet.

The doctor says that,
with my constitution, I can...

...keep this up for another week.

So, if you were hoping to participate
in a vigil prior to the funeral...

...come back in a week's time.
- No.

I'm not moving from here...

...until I've persuaded
you to stop all this tomfoolery!

Don't you realize
the whole town's laughing at you?

But I do realize that
even you have stopped...

...laughing.

Don Camillo,
how long have we known each other?

- Oh! Far too long.
- No, that's not true.

You can't ignore a friend...

...an old friend who,
to tempt you back to life...

...is going to remind you
of all the good times we had together.

The years of our youth!

Do you remember how, during the war,
we fought as partisans side by side...

...in the mountains, for freedom?

And those ravioli
we ate from Battiglia...

...soft, delicate,
dripping with melted parmesan cheese?

Do you remember them, eh?

You ended up with grease
all over your chin.

Wretch!

And that chicken of Bergassi's
cooked in a clay pot...

...according to poor departed
Desolina's recipe!

Get thee hence, Satan!

Do you remember that wonderful smell
when we smashed the clay pot open?

Just thinking about it makes
your mouth water! Doesn't it?

No, it doesn't!
Not even slightly!

It does me.

In fact, while we're on the subject...

You don't mind if I indulge, do you?

I wonder what my wife's put
in them? Let's see.

Oh good, two lovely roast sausages!

And they're still warm!

Yum, what a pity you...

- Just smell that!
- Murderer!

Come now, let's not exaggerate!
You're allowed to smell food. Here!

My wife rubs them with bay leaves...

- Get thee hence!
...and, at the last mom...

Get thee hence!

And take
your damned sausages with you!

My blood pressure may be 55,
my pulse may be only 32...

...but I've still got enough strength
to kick you out...

...even if I die in the attempt!

Thank God that you can't stand up...

...and die in whatever way you wish,
you crazy old priest!

Lord...

...what's happening to me?

Am I about to die?

I'm not afraid of dying, but...

No, you're not about to die,
Don Camillo.

You just feel a bit faint.

That's right, Lord.

In fact now I can hear You again
I feel better already.

But before, why didn't you answer...

...Your poor Don Camillo
when he beseeched You to?

Because I didn't hear
Don Camillo's voice...

...only the voice of his pride.

My pride?

So You think I should let my parish...

...become associated
with a Godless land?

There isn't a speck of dust
in the whole universe...

...where God is not present.

Lord, forgive me
if I have offended You...

...and say a few words of comfort
to Your humble servant...

...who is dying of hunger.

I'll say three words of comfort,
Don Camillo... enjoy your meal!

What? Enjoy your meal?

Do You really mean it, Lord?

Do You think I could eat
a piece of sausage?

Thank you, Lord.

[Don Camillo had enough food
in his house to last a week.]

[He devoured it all in three hours.]

[He began at 9:15 p.m.
And finished at 12:10 a.m.]

[At 12:45 a.m.
The gentlewomen of charity arrived.]

Hold him down!

The starter!

That's enough. Now the pasta.

Now for a drink. Pour some
Lambrusco into a funnel, that's it!

Now, blood pressure: 200-240.

Pulse 101.
Temperature 42.1°.

Boss, what if he drops dead now
with indigestion?

Let him. The important thing
for public opinion...

...is that he doesn't die of hunger.

[But Don Camillo,
the Lord's sheep...]

[... had the stomach of a rhinoceros
and lived to tell the tale.]

[His convalescence was
anything but soothing...]

[... because the bad luck
that had followed him...]

[... was followed
by more bad luck...]

[... of a completely
different kind...]

[... but no less infuriating
for all that.]

[Don Camillo was convinced...]

[... that the rifle range parked
right behind the priest's house...]

[... was just the latest
move on the part of the mayor...]

[... in his ongoing attempts
to drive him nuts.]

Peppone's delegation
will leave in 10 days.

Apparently the Russian town is making
great preparations to welcome them.

How many are going?

The usual Red supporters:
Brusco, Bigio and Smilzo.

And all with tax-payers' money!

And you of the Opposition,
you sit there saying nothing.

They told us to keep our mouths shut.

The Party's going to pay for it!
What could I say?

The Town Council doesn't have
to fork out a single lira.

I can just imagine the whoppers
they'll tell when they get back...

...and no-one will be able
to contradict them!

Oh, let them go.

It'll put an end
to this infernal din!

[But, when he looked
at the matter more carefully...]

[... he had to admit that, for once,
he had misjudged the mayor.]

[Peppone had another objective.]

[A female objective, to be precise.]

[Don Camillo's volcanic brain
hurtled into action.]

[From then on, Peppone...]

[... was kept under strict surveillance
around the clock.]

[Don Camillo
was planning a vendetta...]

[... which would pay him back handsomely
for the defeat he had suffered.]

[The moment to strike arrived at two
o'clock on a night with no moon.]

[Everyone in Brescello was asleep,
except for three people.]

[Unfortunately for Peppone,
one of the three was Don Camillo.]

What a long life-line you have!

And what do you read,
in my love-line?

Oh, look!
An interesting journey!

- Thank you.
- No!

Drink here where I left lipstick
on the glass. All in one. Have a wish!

Mayor Peppone to the telephone!

To the telephone?

Will Mr. Mayor please come
to the telephone?

It's no use trying to get out!

The doors and windows are barred!

A serpent!

Yes!
The serpent of the Original Sin!

Peppone, if you want to communicate
with me you must speak down the tube!

Don Camillo,
what the hell you want?

I've hitched my van to the caravan.

Now I'm going to tow you home...

...park you in the courtyard
and have your wife let you out.

- No! They'll take my license away!
- No he won't, he's joking!

Don Camillo, I am prepared
to negotiate. What do you want?

Not much, just a little thing.

I want you to take
me with you to Russia.

Peppone, are you dead?

To Russia?

But have you gone stark staring mad?

Let's be off then.
End of transmission.

Help! Stop!

What have you got in that brain?
How can I take a priest to Russia?

I'll wear civilian clothes.

Don't worry, no-one will recognize me.

But Brusco and the other comrades
will be there.

Ah, objection over-ruled.

If they believe Karl Marx,
they'll believe anything.

What about documents?

I'll have fakes made.

Really good ones:
A passport, a visa.

Even a Communist Party card.

I shall be comrade Camillo Tarocci.

- Where are we?
- A hundred meters from your house!

Stop! Stop! I accept.
Alright, I give in! Stop!

Coward!

Alright,
let's make an official contract.

You must sign this declaration...

...in which you acknowledge
and confirm...

...that you took part in a clandestine
meeting at night...

...with a certain lady called Irma.

The document will arrive
by express post.

Please sign it and send it back.

But what are you doing?
You'll get me into trouble!

Give me back the pen, idiot!

I'll let you out!

If you ask me, if Karl Marx said so,
I still believe it.

It's one of the great political maxims.

- Two points. - Stick his nose in it,
like you do with cats.

But just imagine,
we could take him to Russia...

...get his back against the wall
and then say:

..."Reverend, now we have shown
you our hell..."

"...why don't you show us your heaven?"

Of course, we'll deprive him
of his most powerful weapon: Lies.

But who's going to issue
a visa to a priest?

Not to a priest, no, but...
You, Brusco, do you agree?

Well, it's a good idea,
but he's so clever he won't accept.

You don't really think he'll agree
to come to Russia with us, do you?

Of course he won't!
How will you persuade him?

Of course, it won't be easy...

Lord,
the last hurdle has been crossed.

The Bishop has sent me
a convalescence certificate.

I'm leaving tomorrow.

Have you nothing to say to me, Lord?

What do you expect me to say?
Have a good trip, comrade Don Camillo.

- Excuse me, where are the toilets?
- Back there. - Thank you.

A Cinzano, please.

Sir, this isn't yours.
The reverend ordered it.

I'll drink his health then...

...and my own.

I don't think he's coming.
Perhaps he's changed his mind.

That's what I said.

- Here he comes.
- Oh yes! - Never mind.

Did you think
I'd miss the train, boss?

- No, but I hoped you might.
- Well, I didn't.

What are you wearing?
You still look like a priest.

I'm supposed to be dressed
like a comrade, comrade.

Stop playing the clown.
We're not traveling alone.

Calm down, boss. Calm down!

- Now look, I warn you, best behavior.
- Come on, in you get.

We're not going alone,
there's a guy from Rome coming.

And who is he?

A guy called Scamoggia,
sent by the Party to accompany us.

Oh, I see.
Someone who speaks Russian, eh?

- No, he doesn't speak Russian.
- Oh, of course not. I wasn't thinking.

He doesn't have to understand what
the Russians say, only what we say.

Exactly!
He's a journalist. He's got...

...to compile a complete report on
the trip and the twinning agreement.

- There he is!
- Where? There he is! Scamoggia!

Bye, darling. Bye.

Come on! You worse than an anteater!
What on earth do women see in you?

Look at the lipstick!

Wipe it off!
Scamoggia, may I introduce Don...

Donizetti.
Comrade Gaetano Donizetti.

Donizetti? Yes, it was the name
of a horse! My name's Tarocci.

- I'm afraid I'm no good at names...
- Pleased to meet you, comrade.

- The pleasure's mine.
- Sorry, eh!

Listen, but last night you didn't
tell us your wife would be here too!

Why didn't you introduce us?

Because last night
I didn't even know her myself!

Good for you, comrade, good for you.

As they say,
serve the Party joyfully!

Absolutely!

Hey, comrade Tarocci,
can I have a word with you?

- Who me?
- Yes, you!

Come here a moment.
Excuse me!

There are two German girls in there,
mother and daughter. Let's go!

No. Why are you asking me?
Ask someone else!

- The others are all sitting
there like dead fish. - So am I!

Well, you're no Adonis,
but, compared with the others...

At least you're good-looking,
you've got a lecherous eye.

You go for the mother
And I'll have the daughter. Come on.

Damned priests!

The only good thing about this trip
is that, for a few days at least...

...we won't see a single priest!
- You never know.

In the Soviet Union
there's freedom of worship.

What do you mean?
Are there priests there too?

Then it must be impossible
to eliminate this nasty species, eh?

Eh, unfortunately,
if there are still priests there...

...it means that they have
access to occult powers which...

...have not yet been identified
and neutralized.

That's true. Priests always get
you in the end and they always will.

The priest who'll catch
me has yet to be born!

- And the one who baptized you?
- Oh, thanks a bunch, I was a day old!

- And the priest who married you?
- Eh?!

Forget it. Tarocci is right.
There's not much we can do about it.

Tarocci, I like you because you hate
priests like me. Good for you.

Hey! Hey! Look!

What?

- What is it?
- The bible!

- What are you reading, comrade?
- My bible.

Why, do you want to become a priest?

- THOUGHTS OF LENIN -

Oh, I thought!

Eh? Da, da.

Eh?

- What's she saying? - We don't...
we don't understand Russian.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Moscow!

- Tarocci, what did she say?
- I believe we're flying over Moscow.

Where is it?

Let me see!

Moscow,
the greatest city in the world...

...as big as New York,
Paris and London put together!

[Moscow lay 7,000 meters
below...]

[... and was obscured by the clouds.]

[But it was still very exciting.]

[Two hours later, they landed at last
on sacred Russian soil...]

[... at a small airport
near the River Don.]

Welcome, Italian comrades.

I am Nadia Petrovna,
from the Rostov Interpreting School.

How do you do!

And this is comrade Jeng Ariegov,
from Inturist.

We shall be with you throughout
your stay in the Soviet Union.

While welcoming you,
our comrade will give you...

...the schedule for your stay.

Point A: Arrival at airport.
We've done that bit.

And now let's move on to Point B:

...transfer to destination by bus.

Comrade, aren't you going to kneel
down and kiss the sacred soil?

I'd like to stuff a handful
of it in your mouth!

Comrades! Tovarisc!

Tovarisc Bottazzi!

- No, Not me. Him!
- I'm Bottazzi.

Comrade
chairman of kolchoz.

Stop! Smile!

- What's with all this kissing?
- It's an old Russian custom.

Then I'd better get some practice!

[Implementation of Point C:
Night in hotel.]

[Because of all the excitement Peppone
didn't doze off until nearly dawn.]

[It was a restless sleep, plagued
with nightmares and hallucinations.]

Dominus vobiscum.

- Good morning, comrades!
- One moment, we're not dressed!

The morning program starts
in twenty minutes.

- Be at the front door.
- Deo gratias.

You're welcome.

Keep your blessings to yourself,
you reckless imbecile!

Put all that stuff away!

Lord, forgive him: His fear...

...is even greater than his ignorance!

Shh! Be quiet! Don't you know
there are microphones everywhere?

Rubbish, comrade! Those vulgar lies
are put about by Church propaganda!

And forgive me
if I bend your arms...

...and put you in this little box...

...but you are my inspiration
and there was no other way...

...I could bring you with me
close to my heart.

Nadia!

Thank you, comrade!

Now, for the twinning ceremony, we're
going to the new kolchoz headquarters.

- WELCOME TO OUR ITALIAN COMRADES! -

And now,
comrade chairman...

...allow me to present you
with a modest gift...

...from the comrades of Brescello.
Open it.

Now, to seal the twinning relationship
between Bres-Bresk...

- Brescia.
...your town and Brescello...

...in the name of Rome, mother
of peoples and civilization.

If you will permit me,
comrade chairman...

...I would also like to give you some
typical Italian products. Open this!

Here now. This is the famous Parma ham
which you will no doubt have heard of.

This is Lambrusco wine.

This wine is typical of our region.

A sparkling wine, yes. It's a digestif
and a diuretic. It's red too.

Comrade chairman asks
what's in the hat box.

No, it's not a hat box, not at all.

This is a special cheese.

It's real Parmesan cheese.

Ivan!

Nadia!

Owing to circumstances
beyond our control...

...the ceremony is suspended
and we must await new orders.

Will you collect your gifts
and follow me to the hotel, please.

May we ask why?
What's happened?

Eh? Ah!

Comrade, may we know
the reason for this...

Comrade Ariegov
has asked me to inform you that...

...since Point D: The official twinning
ceremony has been suspended...

...we are moving straight on
to Point F: Rest in hotel.

But what about Point E:
Banquet in honor of the guests?

Well really it was part of Point D...

...the ceremony. If it had gone on till
late afternoon...

...it would also have incorporated
Point E:

...banquet.
- Nadia!

Is that clear?

Absolutely!
We don't incorporate anything!

Listen, you'll tell me what's going
on, won't you? What's happening?

Good luck, comrade.

But... why good luck?
What do you mean? Nadia!

What, can't we leave the hotel?

Why not?

Hey!

We're prisoners here!

- Tovarisc Scamoggia!
- That's him!

But I haven't done anything.
What do you want?

I'm a journalist!
A journalist of the Left!

Yes, but just go along.
Don't make a fuss, off you go!

Why me?
I've got nothing to do with them!

I'm a journalist.
I'm just following them!

What's he doing, arresting him?

No, they'll interrogate him,
like they do everyone, one at a time.

Luckily they've begun with him.
He knows nothing.

- About what?
- I'll tell you upstairs in the room.

Get moving!

But don't you understand?
They've discovered he's a priest!

How, by looking at my face?

In that case he looks much more
like a priest than I do!

You said mass in this room
heaving with microphones!

But if it's full of microphones,
then why are you shouting like that?

- Oh, yes.
- Hey!

- Shh, quiet.
- Comrade. And now what do we do?

Shut up!

Be quiet,
otherwise everyone will hear us!

Please, let's be quiet.

What did you say?
I don't understand!

That we'll tie him up
and hand him over...

...then they can do
what they like with him!

- Oh!
- What did you say?

Nothing.

Sorry.

- Oh, no. - Don't let's start
saying silly things!

Let's keep calm, shall we?

And just remember that it was you
who persuaded me to come here...

...to your paradise.
And if they torture me...

...I might just confess.
- We must deny everything...

...at any price,
even the truth.

And we must destroy all the evidence
before they search him.

What evidence?

Prayer cards, holy wafers,
Lenin's bible...

...all the stuff this madman
brought with him!

Come on lads,
it must be in his hat!

Stop! Stand back! Criminals!
It's not a hat...

...it's a tabernacle!
And it contains holy oil, too!

What are you doing there?

Oh, it's you, is it? Because they're
not going to get me alive.

- How are you, comrade?
- Shhh!

What did they ask you?
Questions about us?

- But why are you speaking so quietly?
- Because there are microphones...

...hidden in all the rooms.
Well, what did they ask you?

Nothing at all!
They just confiscated my cameras!

- Why are your cameras so important?
- I've no idea!

- Shhh! - Now, hunt for the mikes,
rip them out, do something...

...because if I don't let off steam,
I'm going to go pop! - Shhh!

- Usually, they hide them
behind pictures. - That's true.

I wouldn't mind betting it's behind
Khrushchev's portrait!

- Who's taken it away?
- It wasn't me. - Nor me.

I'm going to look in my room.

There was one here before.

- Is it there? - No, it isn't there,
but they've removed it from here, too.

- In my room too!
- And in mine!

Where you put Khrushchev?

It's not there,
they've taken them all away.

- They've removed them all.
- I wonder why?

I'm going to demand an explanation!

[Peppone made them calm down,
confident of his undoubted authority.]

[The importance of the discovery...]

[... justified
an official stand.]

[And a request
for an immediate explanation.]

So, at this point,
I am making a formal request...

...in the name of the Italian delegation,
to know why the portraits of...

...Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev
have been removed. Translate.

- Because they needed dusting.
- What?

Thank you.

[The next day, they received
a more satisfactory answer.]

[And it unleashed
a torrent of comments.]

That's strange.

- How peculiar!
- I wonder why. - What do you mean?

That's enough of discussing politics
without anything to base it on.

We don't know
anything about him or his ideas.

That's right.
We're trying to understand.

But if the eye reflects the soul...

...that guy... - He certainly has
a pretty cool expression, doesn't he?

- He's a block of ice.
- If you want my unbiased opinion...

...compared to this guy,
Stalin was a real sweetie.

Oh, I know all about your
unbiased opinions, comrade Tarocci.

Not only mine. Why did they call off
a peaceful event like...

...the twinning ceremony? Eh?
- Eh!

Because it was too peaceful
for that guy!

Anyway, if Khrushchev is out, this
guy will join forces with the Chinese.

And down will come the Iron Curtain
again, just like in the good old days!

Except that now
we're in it up to our necks.

- But, boss, we're trapped.
- That's enough!

If I let you speak,
we'll be deported to Siberia!

I don't know!

But, I say,
we're Italian citizens.

There are consulates,
embassies...

Boss, that guy doesn't care two hoots
about embassies. Look at him!

But I don't want to look at him!
I don't want him to give me ideas!

Oh, for Pete's sake!
Who do you think he is? Dracula?

Possibly!

Now look, let's be serious about this.
And, in particular, we mustn't panic.

[In fact they all behaved
in an orderly, disciplined way.]

[Each one of them took their own share
of responsibility for the Parmesan...]

[... the Lambrusco and the ham.]

[Then they tried to escape. Objective:
The nearest Italian Consulate.]

[When in danger,
each man for himself and God for all.]

Keep quiet, tread softly...

...open that door.
- It's locked.

- Damn...
- Keep calm...

- Let's try over there.
- There where? - Through the kitchen.

I told you we should have tied
our sheets together...

Where are you going,
Italian comrades?

Now we've had it.

[The man at the wheel had changed...]

[... but, luckily, the train was still
traveling in the same direction.]

The she-wolf!
Go and fetch the she-wolf!

Oh! And here everyone's kissing
each other! Excuse me please!

- Bottazzi!
- Hold the she-wolf.

- Here you are, hold this.
- Give it to me.

Comrade... in evening uniform,
let's start a twinning relationship!

Oh, look who's here. Thank you!

Nadia!

But what have you handed me, idiot?
This is empty!

- Now you've broken a full one!
- Oh never mind, what a lovely party!

- Nadiuska, listen.
- Yes?

Have you by any chance seen
that American film called "Ninoska"?

- No, why? - Because in it Greta Garbo
is a functionary like you.

- Oh yes? - But she's sent to Paris,
where she discovers silk stockings...

...champagne... - Yes?
- She meets a nice guy, like me...

...she falls madly in love with him
and decides to stay. - Oh yes?

She chooses freedom!

Really? It sounds like a shameful film
of capitalist reactionary propaganda.

Oh, yes, just terrible.

My dear comrade, once again, allow me
to offer you these modest gifts...

...from proletarian socialist Italy.
These are for you!

- And then how does it end?
- What? - That film.

- The couple, do they get married?
- No, of course not!

Up to this point she doesn't let
herself get carried away!

They have an affair and then
they go their separate ways.

- So it has a sad ending.
- On the contrary, a happy ending!

Because they write to each other,
they send postcards, and telegrams...

No, I didn't give up.
I just decided not to go on...

...that's different.

- However the result is the same:
Ivan of the U.S.S.R. Beat...

...Peppone of Italy at the sixth glass
of the second bottle.

No, no, no, I cannot accept
their rules: They just glug it down...

...in one gulp, one after the other
but like this, no, it's so uncivilized.

Let him come to Italy! There we drink
grappa in tiny sips, we don't gulp it.

Babies all over the world cry
in the same way as they do in Italy.

Listen!

There.
Just like we do at home.

It's comforting.

I must say that, when I experience
some things, I begin to understand...

...even your twinning idea!

- Good, comrade, you're progressing!
- No, it's just that I realize...

...that, even here, the landlord
is the same everywhere.

- Yes, but here he's been evicted.
So... - Maybe from the ground floor...

...but they haven't managed to boot him
out of the rest of the house. - Well...

Pity, eh?
It's a sweet little church.

Vandals! They've made it into a barn.
Murderers!

- What did you say?
- Vandals! Murderers! - Shhh!

- For Pete's sake, we're in Russia!
- I know.

I don't understand. The church
in Porski is open. Here it's not.

Freedom of worship.

That means, from here, anyone who
wants to go to mass must walk 18 km!

- Freedom of worship with a little
compulsory sport. - Honestly...

- Well, what's the matter?
- Nothing.

- You're dying to have a look
at the barn, aren't you! - Who me?

What if they catch me?

If they catch you, you've had it.
When you get back, don't make a din...

...or I'll throw something at you,
alright?

Jesus!

Lord, I understand
that You speak Russian here...

...but I haven't been here long.
Sorry, what were You saying?

We've met up again, Don Camillo.

But what a pitiful state
You're in, Lord.

I've known worse
in the last 2,000 years.

And Your house,
Your poor house...

It's full of grain,
and grain is the bread of man...

...and I am that bread.
- Yes, Lord.

When they come to collect the grain
they are forced to think of me...

...even those who have
never set foot inside before...

...and they talk to me, albeit silently,
because this is the church of silence.

I understand, Lord. Forgive me.

Hey, hey!

[Those eyes would search
for Don Camillo again.]

[Even at the height of the festivities
organized by comrade Ivan.]

Tovarisc!

[Point R: Thursday, 2:00 p.m.,
sturgeon fishing contest...]

[... between the champions of the Don
and those of the far-off Po.]

Tovarisc!

[The Italian team
was doing well...]

[... but it was competing
at a disadvantage...]

[... because one of its members
wasn't concentrating.]

But have the Russians bribed you
to fish badly so that we'll lose?

Listen, Don Camillo,
I need to talk to you!

Whom do you wish to talk to?
The comrade or the priest?

It involves my old folks back home.
I think you know them?

Yes, and I feel sorry for them that
they have such a delinquent son.

Reverend...

...you know I had a brother
who was killed in Russia? - I do.

He died here, on the Don, fighting
in the battle on Christmas Day...

...in 1941. - Yes, go on,
I knew him. - Wait a moment.

The military chaplain sent it
to my mother. And look at that...

...in the first row,
my brother's grave.

And my mother made me swear
I'd find it and light a candle to him.

I've even got a map.

It's nearby, but I'll never be able
to find it on my own...

...I can't make understand those names
written in Ostrogothic.

- North, South... - Why don't you ask
the boss to help? Perhaps...

...he might know about the points
of the compass. - I don't.

Look at the back.

A fascist! But you've always said
he was in the Alpine regiment!

Exactly.

Alright, let's go!
Just try to look unconcerned, O. K?

We're in the right place. There's
the lake and there's the oak tree.

- But is it the right one?
- We'll soon find out, there's...

...an inscription on the trunk...
- Whoops. - What's wrong? - I tripped.

Here it is, look.

There, comrade, that's where
your brother was buried.

Requiem aeternam dona ei, Domine.
Lux perpetua luceat ei...

...requiescat in pace.
- Amen.

Take this to your mother.

But why did they do this?

They have 18,000,000 square km
of land.

Did they really need...

...this little bit
for sowing wheat?

Comrade, a nation that lost 20 million
in the war couldn't afford to worry...

...about the 50 or 100,000 dead
left behind by the enemy.

But I can't say that to my mother.

Then don't.
Let her think about the wooden cross...

...in the photograph.
Tell her you lit a candle...

...on your brother's grave. And maybe
if she sows these ears of wheat...

...it will be like
keeping him alive.

- Those helicopters looking for us!
Get down! - What organization!

What did I tell you?
They've sprayed us with poisoned gas!

What rubbish!
They've fertilized us! Come on!

- Hey! Hey!
- Hey mister!

- Tovarisc!
- Wait a moment!

He saw you giving blessing, he knows
you're a priest! Now he'll report you!

[Circumstances suggested that
Brusco was right, but, somehow...]

[... Don Camillo didn't seem to think
the situation was so serious.]

[In the hotel that evening,
all was quiet.]

[The Italians and the Russians
were preparing for the festivities.]

And what might that be?

Tovarisc Tarocci...
Let's see who sent it.

I don't understand.

'Evening...

- May I ask where you've been
until now? - No, you can't.

It's a little secret,
and it's not even my secret.

This is yours, though. I see someone's
posting you letters under the door!

- What are you up to, flirting?
- You ought to know...

...after all, you were the one
who so kindly opened it for me!

Anyway, it's anonymous
and it's written in Russian.

That's not Russian,
ignoramus, it's Latin.

- In your capacity as a priest...
- Go on, translate it!

[The missive said:
Someone needs a priest.]

[Go secretly to the house
of the chairman of the kolchoz.]

[His old mother doesn't want
to die without God.]

I'll go then.

But have you gone completely mad?
Do you want us all to go to Siberia?

- They've already realized
that you're a damned priest! - Shhh!

That letter is bait to lead
you into a trap.

What if it isn't and I don't go?
I'd never forgive myself.

Good, very good!

"Di Provenza", but they've skipped
about 20 minutes of the performance!

Thank goodness:
Verdi would turn in his grave...

No he wouldn't! Do you realize
it'll be over in half-an-hour...

...and Don Camillo...

My dear...

...no, no, no,
don't be afraid.

I friend. I not thief.
Do you understand? Me priest. Jesus.

I bring Jesus.

- Hooray! - Bravo!
- Encore! - Encore! - Bravo!

Oh, no. First I must hear
your confession.

Do you understand?
Confess your sins. Confiteor...

Is it a long time
since you confessed...

But I don't understand you.

But I don't understand you.
I don't understand you.

Maybe she speaks English!

You speak English?

No, I can't do it.
I must understand.

- Pope! Pope!
- Pope?

Da, da, pope.

So you're a priest, are you? A priest!

Yes, a cowardly priest with no guts!

It's easy to write anonymous letters
though, isn't it? I tried...

...to replace you, but I can't.
Now go and see your parishioner!

Or I'll kick you there myself!

Go on, do your duty!

And be careful,
I'm out here, keeping watch.

- Come down! Quick, let's go!
- Not so fast, how far have they got?

- The second act?
- No, the tenth glass. - What?

The Russian "Traviata" is super-fast
and to prevent Ivan from going home...

...Peppone has taken them to the hotel
for a vodka-drinking competition.

- Good for him! Tell him to keep
drinking! - But how much longer...

...will you be with the old lady?
- Well, frankly, you can blame...

...that anti-clerical son of hers. He
hadn't let her confess for 20 years!

- Come on, up with Italy! - Come on,
boss, don't give up! - Come on!

- Come on Italy!
- Come on! - Another glass!

[But unfortunately Ivan had not only
a mother who wanted to confess...]

[... but also 4 kids who were rather
behind with taking the Sacraments.]

- SHALL I OPEN IT? -

- SHALL I OPEN IT? -

Drink up, boss! Think of the fatherland!
Think of Siberia!

Come on! Drink up!

- SHALL I OPEN IT? -

Drink up!

- SHALL I OPEN IT? -

Higher with your left fist!
Look up! Watch out for the uppercut!

You see? What did I tell you?

- Non sum dignus, non sum dignus.
- Lord, he says he's not worthy...

With these muscles isn't he worthy?
List up your hearts! And especially...

...faith, eh!
Faith, my son, and footwork!

[Returning to his hotel after
the mission, Don Camillo realized...]

[... he wasn't the only
who had stayed up...]

[... to accomplish
a mission of love.]

Nadia? Let me in, please.
It's our last night.

We're leaving in the morning!
Just for a moment to say good-bye.

Just to say good-bye. Come on, there's
no-one about. They're all in bed.

Hey, comrade,
have you got a match?

Shhh!

- Go away, off with you.
- What manners! Why must I go away?

I only asked for a match.
If you don't have one...

...you only have to say so.
- Shhh! I'll set you on fire!

- She was just about to let me in!
- Who? Oh the pretty functionary!

- Nadiuska, open the door.
- Ah! I understand now!

Instead of twinning, comrade,
you would rather make twins!

I apologize. Perhaps I hurt
your feelings. It wasn't my intention.

- No, it doesn't matter. Shall we go?
- I'm sorry, Scamoggia.

It doesn't matter. Let's go to bed.
Bye, good night, Tarocci.

I know, after all, what do you care?
A girl is neither here nor there...

And she seems like a good girl.

If you think about it, it's good
to show you respect her, isn't it?

In other words, I should thank you?

- Well, thanks then, Tarocci.
Bye, good night. - Good night.

- Good night.
- Bye!

- Night, Nadiuska.
See you tomorrow. - Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- But what is it?
- Shhh!

- He won the vodka competition.
- Oh, I'd forgotten all about it!

Oh, he wants him turned over!
Come on, give me a hand.

That's it, wait, come on!
Turn him over! Careful! Slowly!

Peppone, look at me, speak to me.
It's me! Don... Donizetti!

- Drop dead!
- There! He recognized me. Good sign!

No, no, no, not him, tell me.

Cetirie.

- Yes, I see, four every hour.
- Hour!

- Four every hour, cetirie!
- Da. - Da, da.

- And what's this? - A prescription?
- No, it's a printed form.

- It must be a health service form
that needs signing. - Niet, niet.

- Him. - Him?
- Him! - You want him to sign?

Do you also need the signature of
the patient for a death certificate?

- Yes, yes, come on, comrades,
pull him up. - Come on, pull!

Peppone, up you come!

Oh, that's fine.
Peppone, here. Sign this form. Here!

But it's not a thermometer,
it's a pen, come on, hold it.

It's a pen. You must sign the form,
sign here. That's it...

...Giuseppe Bottazzi.
Bot-taz-zi. That's it, like that!

How much for your trouble?
Kopeks??

- Ah, niet!
- Ah, niet yourself! - Dasvidanya!

Dasvidanya. Dasvidanya to you too!
Right now, everybody out. Good night!

You'd better pray to your God
that he recovers, otherwise...

- Don Camillo.
- What's up?

Give me your hand,
hold it tight.

Don Camillo, I'm afraid.
I don't want to stay here all alone.

I don't want to die on my own,
far away from home...

...in this foreign land. - Calm down.
And anyway, what do you mean...

...this foreign land,
your great Mother Russia!

No, give me your word
that, whatever happens tomorrow...

...and whatever state I'm in, even
if I'm dying, you'll let me leave.

You'll leave here
when you're fit. Meanwhile...

- No. - You must take your pills now.
How many did he? Four every hour.

- Then give me eight!
- What? No, you mustn't! No!

Comrade Ivan says
that your visit has been...

...like a ray
of your beautiful Italian sunshine.

His only regret is that
your stay was too short.

Will we ever be able to visit you? No.
We'd like to, but we have no plans...

...to visit you.

So we may never meet again.

We assure you that we shall never
forget this happy time...

...in your company. Nor shall we forget
your faces or your voices...

...and we hope it is the same for you.

Good-bye, comrades.

Turn round! Can't you see she's crying?

Come on, boss, get in, up you go.

Look, what's happening?

- Who's he? What's he doing?
- Establishing freedom of worship!

- But what's happening?
- Nothing, just a little tiff...

...like the ones you and I indulge
in all the time. Eh?

- COMRADE IVAN IS INDISPOSED AND
WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ACCOMPANY YOU -

- Now we're really twinned!
- Yes, yes, let's go.

- Hey, guys, we haven't said good-bye
to Nadia! - Here I am! Bye!

- See you in Italy soon! Bye!
- Bye!

Bye.
Bye.

Well don't just stand there.
Come on, get in.

Yes, it's mine, yes.

That's a good idea, that way I can
learn some Russian. It'll be useful!

- Niet! - Come on guys,
give me your left-over rubles.

- Give me your rubles. I'm staying!
- What? - Oh! I've got 50.

- What, are you really staying?
- Come on, hurry, dammit!

Thanks. But I'll get even with you
one day! It's all your fault! You...

...told me to respect her! I did, and
now I've got a noose around my neck!

Well, good-bye guys. Safe trip home
and I hope we meet again.

Look!

But it's true that Russian women
are twice as attractive.

- Three times, ignoramus!
- Maybe a functionary...

...only one and a half times.
However, it's a good test of love.

- What is? - Staying here for goodness
knows how long...

...lost in this country of savages.
- As usual, unworthy words...

...the filthy words of a reactionary
who'd even deny that sunlight exists.

They are your own solemn words
pronounced...

...on the point of death. Hold my hand,
swear that you'll let me leave...

Oh, I was drunk. You can't take
the words of a drunk man seriously...

...those words have nothing to do
with my true sentiments.

- Oh, my dear friend...
- Tovarisc Bottazzi Giuseppe?

Yes, that's me.

- What's she saying? - Follow her,
go on, don't make such a fuss, go!

I'm sorry, I don't understand,
no, I not understand...

Comrade Bottazzi, the Party
very worried about your health.

It offer you perfect facilities in
clinic It not want responsibility.

No, thanks, I'm fine,
believe me, really...

- Not according to this. - What?
- No, this your signature. - No.

- Yes, yes, yes. - Yes.
- I requested to be admitted...

...follow me, please.
- No, but... I'm fine now.

You can't refuse an honor bestowed on
you by the great Soviet motherland...

...or don't you trust them, eh?
- Don... Donizetti, go and...

Of course I'll come,
I'm going with the doctor right now.

- But where are they taking him?
- No idea.

Don't worry, comrade.
After all, sooner or later...

...all the Communist bosses
come here to be cured.

- Soviet clinics are famous!
- Yes, I know... but...

...if it takes a long time,
inform the Red Cross. - Yes.

- The United Nations, the Vatican.
- Yes! - Anyone you can!

- Don't worry!
- Remember! - We will!

- Don Cam...
- Yes!

Try to do something for him.
Oh, of course, you won't understand!

I do, Reverend.

Our information service
is the best in the world.

We knew who you were
before you left Italy.

But we have no secrets,
from anybody.

Tell the pope.
Tell him it's not so bad here.

Tell him to come and visit us.
Have a good trip back!

[Don Camillo didn't visit the Pope...]

[... but he had at least to go
and see his bishop...]

[... to salve his conscience
about his little trip to Russia...]

[... in disguise.
He kept putting it off...]

[... and in the end it took two months
for him to pluck up enough courage.]

- So, what news?
- This came today.

He's almost finished: They've removed
his tonsils and adenoids, too.

So, he's been treated for a hernia,
appendicitis, a kidney complaint...

...old age, he's got false teeth and no
tonsils. - Now they'll find his cist!

Let's hope they brainwash
him while they're at it!

[Don Camillo had made up his mind.]

[He would confess everything,
even if he were demoted to verger.]

- Excellency. - Don Camillo,
how did your convalescence go?

Er... very well...

- Do you know you look
in really splendid shape? - Oh...

Where have you been to convalesce?
Tell me so that I can go there too.

It would be rather complicated...
It's a rather... strange place.

- You see, Excellency, I came to...
- Well, do you know, it's almost...

...a case of telepathy?
You requested an audience...

...when I was just about
to send for you. So...

...do you want to speak first
or shall I? - No, no...

...you first, Excellency.
I'm in no hurry, on the contrary...

Well, the Curia has decided
to organize a cultural trip...

...for a group of priests
who have really never been anywhere.

And I need someone to accompany them,
someone energetic and...

...practical, who knows how to sort
things out. Like you, Don Camillo.

- Me, Excellency?
- Exactly.

- And this trip... where is it going?
- How silly of me, I forgot to say!

- America, the United States.
- No, no, no, I don't feel worthy...

...of such an honor or such great trust.
No, no, no... I accept!

I kiss your ring, Excellency.

- But Don Camillo, where are you going?
It's your turn to speak now. - My turn?

- Didn't you ask for an audience?
- Oh! Yes, I did request an audience...

...because I wanted to wish you
a very happy Christmas.

- But it's only October!
- Yes, I know, it's a bit early...

...but since I'm leaving for America
and don't know how long I'm staying...

...you understand that it's better if
I say it now! My respects, Excellency.

[The bishop
knew Don Camillo's funny ways...]

[... and decided
not to delve too deeply.]

- COME BACK LOADED WITH DOLLARS! -

[That day, the whole town turned out
to say good-bye to its priest.]

[A bus that had picked up the priests
from the various seminaries...]

[... had come to pick up the guide.]

[Only the mayor was not present...]

[... because Peppone,
contrary to all expectations...]

[... had not yet returned from Russia.]

[Not even his friends knew
where he was...]

[... and even the supply of postcards
from the clinic had dried up.]

[That was the only slight flaw for
Don Camillo on that triumphant day:]

[... that Peppone wasn't there
to explode with rage...]

[... at seeing him leave for America.]

Reverend Bianchi Alfonso,
Reverend Nicotera Giovanni...

...Monsignor Valdino Evaristo,
Reverend Facchetti Anselmo...

...Monsignor Carloni Benedetto.
Join the others please.

- Peppone?
- No, Monsignor Carloni Benedetto.

I knew they were giving you the works,
but I didn't expect this!

I'm sorry I couldn't come and see you
when I arrived two weeks ago...

...but I've had lots to do,
it wasn't easy.

Do you want to see my documents?
Passport, "propaganda fide" card...

...a permit from the Pope
and the consent from the Curia.

All authentic and absolutely valid,
as were yours, after all.

Oh yes, I forgot this...
It's my bible.

- MANIFESTO
OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY-

Yes, but you don't have the vital
thing, a way of blackmailing me...

...because I don't have a wife, ho ho!

No, but you do have a bishop!

I wonder what the bishop would say
if he saw this photograph?

What? What... photogr...

Oh, tear it up if you like.
I have five more copies in my pocket...

...and 30,000 at home,
ready for an advertising drop...

...from the air, so...

And so, are you happy
to be going to America?

Is this the first time
you've traveled by plane?

Lord, look! Without a moustache,
Peppone looks just like a priest!

It's true men are not always
what they seem. But who knows?

Who knows indeed?

...if it be God's will.
- Come on, let's go, shall we, boys?

Yes, yes, let's go,
because otherwise...

- Oh! - Well, Monsignore, shall we go?
Or do you want to miss the plane?

No!

The passengers arriving from Moscow...

...on Alitalia flight 842...

Look at those two!
But...

Yes.

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