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Big shins.

Guess I'm gonna have to grow my hair out.

What?

I said I guess I'm gonna have to grow my hair out.

Okay.

Seriously, every other guy tonight had long hair

and they all had jobs from the Middle Ages.

Matt the carpenter. Cosmo the cheesemonger.

Sarah's husband owns a mead brewery.

Love, mead. Like in Robin Hood.

Those are all real jobs that still exist.

You didn't tell them you're launching an app, did you?

You know I did. You were standing right next to me.

Jesus Christ. One day they'll burn you at the stake

for that black magic.

Kill the witch.

Kill the witch!

Go to sleep!

- Ow! - Oh!

God, I'm sorry!

Are you o-- God, is it bleeding?

I don't know, is it?

- No. - Okay.

Look, can you please go back to sleep?

-I have so much to do tomorrow. -I'm sorry.

I was just... you know, thinking out loud.

Well, think out loud inside your head.

Silently.

- Love you. - Love you.

Don't worry baby, go to sleep.

I'm, I'm trying.

I was talking to Tony.

Of course.

Hey, uh, friendly reminder, super quick,

uh, that you said we would train Tony

to sleep in his own bed after the move.

I changed my mind.

-Walt. -So, this is permanent.

We have a... a literal cock-block between us until he croaks.

Hey, don't talk about him croaking.

You're gonna live a really long life, aren't you, Baby?

He's not a baby. They said he's at least three or four.

I don't care, he's my baby.

How can you not wanna swallow this little face

and melt him into your body?

You're sick.

Hey, turn out the dang light and let's go to sleep.

You wanna go to the car and have sex real quick?

- Uh, not even a little. - Wow.

Oh, my God.

- Hey, Walt. - Yeah?

- Do you love me? - Yeah.

Do you love me forever?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Walter Rossi, will you marry me?

Wha-- what?

Will you marry me?

Why are you covering yourself?

Uh, I jus-- I just, um, I-- I feel horrible.

Okay. This is what I was worried about.

-Yo-- you ambushed me. -No. I'm sorry.

I just figured--

What?

-Nothing. -No. What? What?

That if it were, um, if it were left up to me,

-it would never happen? -No.

Although it has been over a year since we talked about it.

Look, I just figured that if I did it,

it would be one less thing on your plate.

One less thing on my plate. Jesus Christ,

why do you make it sound like you're offering

-to pick up my dry cleaning? -Okay.

I mean, this, this isn't just some errand

you check off of your list.

It, it, it-- it needs to feel right.

-You're right. I didn't mean it like that. -It needs to be right.

I don't think it's an errand, but it j-- doesn't have to be this, like,

heavy, monumental undertaking either.

There's no suspense. It's something we both want.

Right?

Can we just talk about this later

when I'm not so, like,

soaking wet and sudsy, please?

-Okay. -Please.

I need you to not freak out, though.

Okay.

Oh, fuck me.

Poor dear.

Why are you so mad at the ground?

I, I thought I'd try to clean this up, but...

...I have no idea what I'm doing.

You kind of look like a sexy mime.

Yeah, just like that. I like it silent.

Are you sure you're gonna be okay while I'm gone?

It's your first time alone with Tony.

Wendy, it's three days.

I can handle the damn dog.

It's not like I have anything else to do.

That's not true. You could unpack some of your boxes.

Can I just throw them away? I don't even remember what's in them.

Walt, please.

You know my brain, just help me out.

We'll see.

-We'll see? -Mm-hmm. We'll see.

We'll see.

If those boxes are still here when I get back,

-it's gonna be a homicide. -Mm-hmm.

And it'll be worth the jail time.

Yes!

-Hi. -Hi.

I love his little walk. Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.

It's definitely a walk.

Now, remember, we look both ways.

Good job! All right.

...this one?

Who's this one? Oh, can he have a treat?

- Poppy, Poppy! Sit down. - Ooh!

Oh, my God.

Not bad for our new backyard, huh?

I could do without the accordion.

-It's so surreal to be back. -Is it?

You always said you wanted to move back.

Yeah, but I was imagining, like,

ten years down the line or something.

My company is super successful,

and we could have a farmhouse by the water.

And have dogs and chickens and an art studio for you over the garage.

But it's good. I'm glad I'm here for my dad.

And I'm glad you're with me.

"Dogs," plural, huh?

Oh, yeah. At least four.

Hey.

- Are you getting nervous about the competition? - Yeah, a little.

Hmm, I haven't worked out all the kinks in my pitch yet.

There are no kinks. Your pitch is great.

I would give you all my money if I had any.

But seriously,

you did it.

You knew exactly what you wanted.

You went for it, and you built it, Wendy,

an entire fucking company.

I'm, like--

I'm insanely proud of you.

Thanks, lovey. I'm proud of you too.

Come on! You h-- you don't have to say that just because I said it.

I'm saying it 'cause I mean it, you dingus.

-Okay. -Changing careers is a brave move,

and I know that it hasn't paid off yet,

but I'm excited for you!

You can explore any interest.

Well, you know, on that note,

I, um, I actually have a job interview

-this afternoon. Yeah! -You do? Where?

That, uh, place that your cousin manages.

-Your, your uncle set it up. Yeah. -The mussel farm?

That's actually a super cool company.

And you probably look sexy in oilers.

I don't know, it's like this low level factory job

-that barely pays above minimum wage. -I'm sure that's just

a starting point so you can learn the process.

-It's not really in your wheelhouse. -Well,

how fucking hard can it be? They're mussels.

They're immobile and they have no brain!

Why are you applying for the job if you have

-so much disdain for it? -Because I need to work,

and this is the first lead that I've had.

It hasn't even been a month.

What happened to those graphic design classes?

All of that shit costs money, Wendy!

-I am happy to cover us if that's... -I'm not happy

-with you covering me for that. -...what you're worried about.

Oh, my God, Wendy!

-Liv? Oh, my God. What? -Hi!

Walt, this is Liv! We went to high school together.

Hi, it's nice to meet you! What--

I thought we lost you to Silicon Valley forever.

-I know. -And this app, it's huge.

-Congratulations! It's so exciting! -Oh, thank you!

- Sustainable marketplace? Like, sign me up tomorrow. -Yeah.

Literally. I feel like everybody is doing

- all these big things. It's kind of crazy. -I know.

Okay! I'll see you in three days,

my little angel of love.

Take good care of Daddy, okay?

You got everything you need? Power suit, contact lenses?

Something of mine to burn, an effigy.

Hey, can we just erase that whiny idiot and,

um, go back to the me that's, like,

really, really proud and excited for you?

I just want you to be happy here.

I know.

-Okay. -Okay.

Okay. Bye!

Oh, Tony. Tony, no, no, oh--

- Ton-- Tony, no, T-- - Oh, sweetie! Oh!

Over here. Over here.

Wish me luck.

You don't need it.

You have brains and talent.

And a nice butt.

Thank you.

Hey. Who loves you more than I do?

Tony.

Bye, guys!

I forgot to buy his food!

I'm on it. Just call me when you get to New York.

I'm shitting!

Shit.

Stupid.

What?

Oh, crap.

Oh, crap. Ah!

Ten years at Webber and Ross.

Yeah, it's an ad agency.

Oh! You make anything I might've seen?

Nope. I was just the bookkeeper.

So you're good with numbers?

Yeah. Too good.

That's why I left, actually.

It, uh...

...turns out that working next to the thing

you really wanna do is worse than never doing it at all.

What did you wanna do?

Art direction, design stuff.

Hmm. Okay.

So why are you here, Walt?

What about this job speaks to you?

I, I, I, I feel like I'm supposed to say, "Mussels!"

Well, you're not supposed to say anything.

Okay. Well, to be blunt--

-Can I be blunt? -You-- please be blunt.

It was your father saying there was a job here.

- I actually don't even like mussels. - Okay.

I appreciate your honesty. I do.

Um...

...let's try this.

Throw that on. Um,

trust me, it gets super wet in there, so--

So this here is today's haul.

These guys do the super important work

of weeding out the duds!

That there is Garrett, fourth generation seaman.

You got Eden, sixth generation seaman.

Dora in the back there.

Basically found us on a YouTube video,

begged us for an internship. And we got Thor here,

who's leading our sustainability mission.

- Let's go, Thor! Whoo! - Whoo!

You kind of catching my drift here, Walt?

Yeah.

-All right. -Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

Well, I'll walk you out.

Okay, okay, I know. I, I know.

I-- My God. Just gives-- give me--

just, like, give me a sec, dude, okay? Please.

All right, all right, all right.

- Oh, okay, okay. - Oh, chill out, man.

This way. You know how to go home.

Come on, let's go home. This way.

Stay.

Hey. Hey.

Don't tell your mom, okay?

Okay.

Oh!

...breaking the weed apart, like, on my--

it was, like-- and I got it all-- it was like,

it was like-- you know what I mean? Like Triscuits in bed.

It was just like that. It was just-- Yeah, it was super crummy.

So I was, like, shaking it out, like a, like a, like a sheet.

- Hey, man, what's up? - Hey, man.

- What can we do for you tonight? - I'm-- I'm,

I'm looking for something for, like, for anx-- anxiety.

Yes. Yeah. Welcome.

Wel-- uh, what kind of anxiety do you have?

Is it, like, OCD or, uh, perhaps social?

Well, it-- it's like the, the kind of anxiety where, like,

I wanna, like, claw myself out of my skin,

but also sleep for, like, three years.

Okay, so probably a hybrid is what you're after.

Um, that's gonna give you this nice

sort of sativa head high,

but also... mellow out your bones,

you know, just like a nice indica, full body effect.

-Mm. Okay. -Smell this.

It's called Kelin's Hat. It's delicious.

Great. I have no idea what any of that means,

-but I will take it. -Yeah. It's good--

-it's good stuff. Yeah. -Perfect.

All my big city transplants, they swear by this, so--

But n-- no judgment. Like--

Sorry. People from away just, like,

have, like, a certain, uh... energy.

Do, uh, do Mainers not get anxious?

Um, we're like a pretty even keeled group of people.

- Oh. Lucky you. - Yeah. Well, you're all set, man.

Did you guys, like, move here for the change of pace or--

Uh, no. My girlfriend's dad had a heart attack.

Shit. Um, okay. Well, I hope the joint helps...

-Yeah, me too. -...and, uh, if it doesn't, you can come back,

we're gonna have more recommendations for you.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming in!

He'll be back.

Oh, shit.

Tony.

Oh, shit. Ton--

Tony? Tony?

Tony! Tony!

Tony! Tony! Come here, boy!

Come here, boy!

Come here! Hey! Uh, have you guys seen my dog?

Hey-- Come on, hav--

Tony!

Tony! Tony!

Tony! Hey, miss! Miss, excuse me.

Hold on. Hold on. Tony! Tony!

Tony!

I-- I, I n-- I need to see your security cam footage, please.

-What? -Yeah. Someone-- someone took my dog, man.

- They took my dog. - Oh, shit.

Yeah. Yeah, man. Oh, shit! Yeah. Oh, shit!

I tied him up to that fucking pole

- right out there, and he's gone. - Huh.

Yeah. No, man, I, I wouldn't do that.

There have been, like, a ton of robberies and stolen shit.

You have a security camera outside, right?

- Uh, no, actually. - Can I just see?

-Fuck. Yeah, that camera is not recording anything, man... -Oh, my God.

...we sort of just set it up like a, like a decoy.

It didn't fucking work, though, did it?

- Did it w-- - I guess not.

I gotta call 911, right?

I have to call 911. She's gonna--

I don't think you should call 911.

This doesn't really qualify as an emergency.

It is a fucking emergency.

It's the gravest fucking emergency

that I've ever had to deal with

in my entire fucking life!

- Okay? - Okay. Yeah.

Uh. Uh, police station is right down the way. Just--

What?

I came right back out, and he was gone.

They di-- they, they didn't take the, uh, the, the leash, though.

They just-- Excuse me, gentlemen. Sorry. Don't mean to bother you.

Have you guys seen, like, a grayish, whitish, blackish,

uh, cute little dog just running around?

Her, her baby... is, is missing.

And if I don't get him back, I'm--

So, I, I, I just need help.

-My name's Walt. -Okay.

-Walt. Walt. -Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Sorry about your dog, by the way.

-Thanks, man. -Sorry.

-Hey. -Hey, hotshot!

-Hey. -Sorry I'm calling so late.

There was a mandatory happy hour when I got here.

Wow, you know, I didn't even realize how late it was.

I guess, uh, you know, time flies when you're having fun, right?

Oh, you're having fun without me?

No, I don't, I-- I don't know why I said that, actually.

How was, um, how was, how was the drive?

Uh, fine. Listened to a murder podcast.

Spoiler alert, she got murdered.

- -Very sad.

Anyway, how was day one of father-son bonding?

Hello? Walt?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, it w-- it was good.

You wanna elaborate?

Like, really, really good, actually.

It was great. Okay.

Did you remember to buy his food?

Yep, yep. All, um, all done and fed.

Thanks for taking care of our baby boy.

I'm so glad he's in good hands.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. How was your interview?

Oh, you know what, it...

...looks like I'm not gonna be a sexy mussel farmer after all.

Shit. Well, you're gonna find something better.

I know it.

Actually, maybe it's a good thing that you won't be working there,

'cause I could eat, like, five pounds of those things.

Walt.

- Yeah? -We'll figure it out.

So, any big plans for tomorrow?

Uh, well, um--

If you see him, can you just give my number a call?

-Yeah, yeah! -Right there.

Hey, look at this. "Walt."

- "Walt. Call Walt." - "Call Walt."

"Call Walt."

-Tony's cute. -Yeah.

Maybe we'll find him.

-Yeah, we can keep him. -Oh, my God, a dorm dog.

♪ Come on, follow ♪

♪ Down to the hollow ♪

♪ And there we shall wallow ♪

Every year, upwards of two million dogs are stolen,

and only 10% are ever reunited with their owners.

We asked a dognapper

what he suggests for theft prevention.

My advice, buy a gerbil or a cat.

Oh, what a waste of time.

Excuse me?

"Lost time is never found again."

Benjamin Franklin.

Of course, I don't think he was talking about the herb.

You had a great, mature bush there,

and you destroyed it, you chucklehead.

Oh, what-- the thyme, the herb. Shit, is that what that was?

I, um, I thought it was just weeds.

You thought you were killing weeds,

but you were killing thyme.

And now you're out of thyme.

Yeah, I, uh, guess I am.

Well, Jesus Christ, you don't have to look so glum!

It'll grow back if you just stop hacking at it.

I'm Marianne, by the way. Not that you asked.

Walt. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm Walt.

Shouldn't you be inside unpacking boxes

like your life is on the line?

She's a spitfire, that one. I like her.

I guess, uh, our private backyard isn't very private.

Ears like a dog.

Speaking of, where is that cute pup?

Oh, God, there's that face!

You look like you ordered the pie

and they served you a hot buttered turd.

What happened?

I, um, I, I, I, um--

well, he, he, he was--

- I-- - Oh, hang on, hang on.

-Is this a long story? -Kind of.

Because I really don't wanna get a crick in my neck.

Why don't you come up, have a beer?

Oh, no. Uh, no, no, no, thanks.

Uh, actually, I should-- I-- I should get back inside

-and unpack those boxes. -Oh, blah, blah, blah.

Spare me the excuses.

You're home alone. You got nothing better to do.

Yeah? Get up here.

And, uh... you haven't told her why?

She's at, like, the most important meeting of her life.

It's make or break. I, I can't. I, I can't tell her.

Sounds like you're screwed.

-When's she back? -Two days.

I have to find Tony, it's the only option.

- Did you go to the cops? - Yeah.

They didn't seem to give a shit.

Well, what about fliers?

I had a friend who got her cat back that way.

I can't believe they offered a reward.

Ugly little thing.

Mm! My favorite color.

Oh! Good start. Nice lettering.

-Thanks. -Reward is a tad low.

Really?

No, no, really? Uh, how mu-- how much should I have offered?

How much is your relationship worth?

Hello.

Oh, I'm s-- I'm, I'm sorry, can't hear you. Can you say that again?

Yeah. Yes, that's, that's right.

Well, why, why can't you just tell me over the phone?

Oh, no! No, no, no! No. No, no, no. I'm-- I'm-- okay, okay, okay.

I, uh, I can make that. I can make that work.

Thank you. Thank you.

See you soon.

Fuck.

Uh, David? David?

Hey! Can I help you?

-Yeah, I'm Walt. -Yes! Yes! Come on, come on. Come aboard, Walt.

Oh, no, no. You can just-- you can tell me from there.

Buddy, you, you worried that I called you out here

just so I can cut you up and use you for bait?

Shit-- oh.

That better?

Ah, come on, you big baby.

Let's go. Come on.

Watch your head. Don't trip.

Water's cold. Seriously.

Oh, uh, you, you said you had information about my dog.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Well, that's Angus.

- He's cute. - Yeah.

-He's my buddy. My boy! -Huh.

Two years ago, somebody stole him.

I was 20 feet away.

Just bought a fucking panini.

Y-- you didn't get him back?

You know, you read about a boy and his dog, you know?

Man's best friend. All that.

But you don't really get it, you know, until you have it.

-You know. -Mm.

God. God!

Of course you know. Of course you know.

Mm. What am I saying?

-Mm. -Tell me. Tell me about... Tony?

-Tony, right? -Yeah. Tony.

-Yeah. -Um...

...yeah, h-- he's three or four,

mm, uh, they told us, like--

And, um, he's, oh, he's like a, like a, like a terrier mix.

- I can't remember which one, but he's, like, this big. - No, no, no, no, no--

-May-- -Wait, wait, wait, wait. J--

Tell me what Tony means, means to you.

Well, we've only had him for a few months.

-I hardly know the guy. -Hmm.

I know, I just-- it's, you know, it's--

-Come on. -I had very little say in the matter, actually.

My girlfriend wanted a dog.

They, like, they bonded immediately,

and I just-- I haven't.

- It's bad, right? - It's bad, I know.

- I know it's bad. - It's bad.

Jesus Christ, what's wrong with me?

I am so glad I called you, Walt!

- You were-- - Oh.

I-- you know, I-- in all of this,

I forgot that you had informati--

Oh, thank you, thank you. This--

We'll get you through this, buddy.

I got you.

Hello!

Walt, I'm freaking out.

What? Wh-- why?

Everyone here is so much more accomplished than me,

and I just-- I don't know what I'm doing here.

You're there because you were invited to be there.

You're just as deserving as those other nerds.

No, a guy fell asleep during my run through, love.

He was snoring.

-It's not funny. I got so tripped up... -I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

...I kept forgetting my lines, and the whole thing was a giant fucking mess.

I'm probably gonna bomb tomorrow.

Who was the guy? Was he a judge?

No, he was another contestant.

Oh, well, there you have it! Classic nerd sabotage.

He was just faking it to throw you off!

Why would anybody do that? That's so mean.

Because there's a whole lot of money on the line,

and he knows that you have a killer pitch.

There's this 18-year-old kid here

who's launching his fourth company,

and he's so intimidating! I'm intimidated by a child!

Wendy. Wendy.

You're the smartest person I know.

It doesn't matter, being smart is the bare minimum here.

You have to stand out in other ways.

You know how you stand out.

You're good. You're a good person.

Everyone else says that they're out there trying to make a difference,

but you are. You're actually out there trying to make a difference.

-But it's just an app. -It's not just an app.

It's th-- the Etsy of sustainable shopping.

Feel free to use that as your tagline.

And who cares about some child prodigy?

Your dad told me that when you were ten,

you sold, like, 500 cookies to save manatees in Florida.

You've never even been to Florida.

Well, it was 624 cookies, and I was eight.

- -See.

You're just as industrious as that turd.

Thank you, lovey.

Hey, can we FaceTime for a second?

I feel like I need to see my boys.

Oh, uh... yeah, you-- it's funny.

We're, we're out right now, we're-- we're on a-- we're on a walk.

-A long walk, actually. -So?

I-- I don't wanna be one of those assholes

walking around on FaceTime.

We hate those people. Let's just--

let's save it for tomorrow.

No, I can't tomorrow. Tomorrow's the pitch.

I'm gonna be busy all day.

Um, can you at least-- uh, can you hold the phone up to him

so I can tell him I love him?

Sure.

Hey, Tony, can you hear me?

Hey, little sweetie, I miss you so much!

I hope you're being a good boy for Daddy

and that you ate all your food!

I'm gonna be home so soon, okay?

And then we're gonna have a party at the dog park, you and me, all right?

Heyo, chucklehead!

It's not funny.

God, "Grieving your fur baby." You know, it--

It's a wonder you're not fish food right about now.

Else I'd have to be the one to tell Wendy about the dog.

Oh, no, thank you.

Which one do you think she'd be more upset about?

Oh, Tony. Hands down.

Do you-- do you think Tony is dead?

Nah. You don't steal a dog like that to kill it.

You steal it to sell it.

Worst case scenario,

he gets bought up by some Kennebunkport snob

who names him Jasper

and dresses him up like a sailor.

I'd like to see that, actually.

Oh, shit. I, uh... I just, like, realized

that I've been so preoccupied by my own bullshit

that I haven't asked you a single question.

Oh, pshaw.

Your bullshit is way more interesting than any chitchat.

Yeah, well, I'd like to, uh, forget about it for a moment,

-if that's okay with you. -Mm-hmm.

So, um...

...what do you... do for a living, Marianne?

-That is a terrible question. -I know.

I fucking hate that question. I'm sorry I asked.

It's, um...

...uh, have, um, have you ever been married?

Gay.

Well, gay people can get married.

Not when I would've had any interest in it.

Hmm. Kids?

Barren as the Atacama Desert.

And that's enough of that.

Wanna see my outhouse?

Your outhouse?

-You, you made this? -Yeah.

Wow!

I even made a teeny tiny

roll of toilet paper!

It took me two hours!

I was cracking up the whole time.

Oh, I bet.

Oh! Oh, here.

I have to sand this, but, uh,

my hands keep cramping up, so, um,

you sand, I'll cut.

You make art of any kind?

No.

-I mean, I do love to draw. -Hmm.

I always thought that I would do something creative,

but now it just seems--

It's, um...

...it's like I'm-- it's like I'm outside of this glass dome, right?

And, like, everything that I want,

everything that I should be doing

it's on the other side,

and I, I can see it.

And I'm searching for an entrance,

but I can't find it. I can't get over there, you know? It's, um, it's--

...fuck, it's maddening, you know?

Jesus.

You need to get to zero fucks.

Uh, zero fucks?

Where you're not agonizing over every little thing.

I used to be like you, you know. If you can believe it.

- Oh. - Then I had my epiphany.

How?

Chopping onions.

I was working as a prep cook downtown,

chopping this massive pile of onions.

My eyes were burning like syphilitic balls.

And all of a sudden, all I could think about was

every sad sack throughout human history

who had ever chopped onions.

I could see each one of us lined up through time.

Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.

Since the dawn of mankind.

Or whenever the hell we discovered onions.

Anyway, I got up and walked out, never looked back.

Poof. Zero fucks.

So you...

...what, you realized you wanted a more fulfilling job?

Oh, Christ on a bike.

Shut up and finish sanding. Hmm?

- It's great. - Do you want all sides or--

Yes. Like, just-- That's perfect.

-Great. Heh. -There are 20 more.

Great! Great.

Hi. This message is for Walt.

I have Tony.

Bring the cash to Battery Steele, 3:00 p.m.

See you there.

Oh, yeah. No cops or you will never see him again.

Jesus.

-Oh, hey. Um, uh, sorry. Excuse me. -Yeah?

Um, h-- how do, how do I get to Battery Steele?

It's, uh, it's about a mile directly across the island.

A mile.

Need a bike?

♪ Tell you now don't stand in my way ♪

♪ If you do you get hurt today ♪

♪ I'm sick of people questioning me ♪

♪ Breaking out but don't try to hold me ♪

♪ Don't stand in my way don't you stand in my way ♪

♪ Don't you stand in my way ♪

♪ Breaking loose and getting away ♪

♪ Don't you stand in my way don't you stand in my way ♪

Oh, shit.

Hello?

Tony?

No. No fucking way I'm doing this.

You Walt?

Oh, shit.

Yeah. I'm Walt.

-You bring the money? -You bring the dog?

Yeah, he's in the car.

Bad news, though.

Looks like the price is being upped.

I got another buyer who's willing to give two grand.

No, you fucking don't.

Yeah-huh.

She's, uh-- her name's, uh, Buffy.

Yeah, she, she wants the dog for breeding and shit.

You know how much money's in that.

Oh, well, did you tell Buffy that he has no balls?

Or do you need me to explain to you how babies are made?

-Man, fuck you. No, fuck you! -Man, fuck you.

- No, fuck you! No, fuck you, man! Fuck you! -Fuck you!

Fuck you, fuck you! You stole my dog,

and now you're trying to gouge me!

I'm offering you $1000

for a... four to six-year-old rescue mutt,

and you're not gonna get better than that!

You're not.

You know what?

You don't deserve the dog.

Have a nice day.

What? N-- no. Uh, wait, wait.

-Hold on-- Oh! -Yo, back the fuck off.

Okay. Oh, shit. Is that a gun?

No, it's not a gun! This is my mom's pepper spray.

- I will use it. - Okay.

Okay, okay.

I don't have two grand.

All right? But, um...

it's-- I, I, I have something else, okay?

-What's that? -They're real diamonds.

-Let me see. -No, no.

How do I know that you actually have my dog?

It's got a dark gray tail, white tip.

Looks like a little paint brush.

You don't even know your own fucking dog!

Not every fucking inch of him, okay?

Well, I guess you'll have to trust me, then.

Fine.

$1000 and--

Thank you. Stay right there.

All right, now count to five Mississippi

-and follow me to the car. -Why do I have to count?

'Cause I don't trust your dumb ass right behind me.

- Oh, you don't trust me? Okay, fine. - Yeah.

Whatever. Go.

One, two, three, four--

Mississippi!

One Mississippi, two Mississippi--

Oh, shit!

Wait! wait! Man, wait!

Wait! Hey, wait!

Wait!

Fuck.

Fuck!

- Oh, shit! - Hi, lovey, it's me.

- Uh, sorry I missed your calls. - I was just, um-- -Goddammit!

-Uh... -Fuck.

...look, the, the, the thing is,

- I need to tell you something. - Fucking--

Fuck you!

I'm sorry that I've been acting so weird,

- it's just that... - Oh, shit!

...the other day, after you left,

- I, uh... Oh, God-- oh, God!

- ...I took Tony for a walk-- - Fucking piece of shit!

Plastic bastard motherfucker!

Hey. Jesus Christ, man, do you mind?

- Oh! Hey! - Fuck.

Hey!

Oh, shit. Can you help me?

Lovey, I'm gonna call you back.

I'm about to have a fucking heart attack.

-What's your name? -Walt.

Walt.

Oh. I'm Brent.

Do you like pickles, Walt?

-Pickles? -Yeah.

I run a homemade pi-- Well, sorry.

Artisanal pickle biz, and there is a case with your name on it

if you help me carry this crap home.

-Oh, man, I don-- -Oh, please, please!

I wretched my shoulder pretending to be someone

who fishes from a fucking kayak,

and I need help carrying that fucking thing back!

Please!

- My body hurts. - Okay.

-All right. I hate to ask. -Okay. Okay.

-Oh, God! Really? -Oka-- Yeah.

Really? Oh, God! You are a gem!

A man among men. Here, take this stuff.

- Yeah. - I'll get your bicycle helmet.

Okay. Here you go. Just grab the kayak and follow me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Yeah.

Damn. Shit. Oh, shit.

You can just drop, drop that shit anywhere.

Ah! Fuck me.

-Thanks again, Walt. -Yeah.

Oh! Oh. So much for new hobbies, huh?

-Huh. -I'd say it was fun while it lasted.

But you know what?

It wasn't fun at all. It was cold and wet,

and I didn't get any bites. And trying to balance in that goddamn blue banana

is the dumbest fucking thing ever invented.

Oh! Oh, let me go get you those pickles.

Oh, uh, hey, no pickles necessary, but thanks, man.

Oh, come on, at least a couple of jars!

-No, no! -Oh, no, no, no!

It's not-- it's not just cucumbers, all right?

-No, I got sauerkraut, green beans, kimchi. -Thank you, thank you,

really, I think I'm just gonna--

I'm just gonna go home and...

...wait for my life to implode, so--

Jesus Christ.

See, uh,

I knew that phone call was no good.

What happened? You cheat on her?

Oh, worse.

Well, I have just the thing for a catastrophe.

What? Pickles?

Bourbon.

I don't know.

I am genuinely flabbergasted.

We don't get much crime on Peaks.

-Mm. -Mm.

Do you think it was an islander?

Oh, he drove off in a golf cart.

Oh, son of a bitch.

Well, it could've been a rental.

If it was an islander, I'd have known him.

-It was a kid? -Yeah, a teenager. Like, 15 or 16.

They gave you a name or anything?

Nope. Oh, no!

Yeah! Yeah. He did.

Uh, it was a fake name

when he lied about having a better offer.

Buffy.

-He said, "Buffy"? -Yeah.

Buffy wanted to buy the dog for breeding,

despite the fact that he was already neutered.

I-- I sh-- I should've known then that he didn't actually have my dog,

I'm a-- such a fucking idiot.

No.

No, he's the idiot.

Oh, my God, that dumbass gave you his mom's name.

Wait. You, you know them?

Uh, we live on a tiny island.

Buffy and I go way back. She's...

...she's a l-- she's a little rough around the edges,

but a sweetheart.

And Mikey, he's, he's a good kid.

-He's just a little-- -A good kid?

He robbed me, and, and, and, and then pulled a gun on me.

Whoa, whoa! Wait, what?

Uh, well, I-- I mean, it was a pepper spray gun.

-Oh. -But--

No. No, no, no, that's definitely not cool.

Not cool.

Poor Buff.

Poor Buff?

Mm. Come on.

We're gonna go over there and get your stuff back.

-Okay. -I'll sort this out.

Oh! This--

- Come on. - Okay.

Oh, there, there! There it is. That's the, uh, that's the golf cart.

What, do you need me to go with you?

That's your stuff in there, isn't that?

-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah.

- Why? Are you afraid of a 15-year-old pipsqueak? - No.

Hey! Hey, are you bringing them a gift?

- Yep. - Oh, hey, hold on, man!

Buff? Mikey? It's Brent.

Look who came out of hiding.

-How you doing, sugar? -I'm all right.

Yeah? You look like hell.

-You eating? Yeah? -Yeah. I'm okay. I'm okay.

- I see you, you stopped smoking. That's great. -Yeah.

- Listen, I-- - I, I'm really, um...

-...I'm sorry I, I didn't call or-- -No.

Yeah, um, reach out or--

Oh! Who's this cutie?

Oh, this is my new buddy, Walt.

- Hey. - Uh, we're...

...we're actually here for a kind of, um, awkward reason.

Uh, is Mikey around?

What do you want Mikey for?

It sounds like maybe he, um,

he might have s-- stolen some money. Walt's money.

-And my ring. -And his ring.

-Maybe my dog. -Don't with the--

How long have you known me, Brent?

And you, you, you bring some stranger to my house?

You, you, you accuse my son of doing something like that?

You accuse me of being the kind of mother

- who would raise a kid who'd do something like that? - I...

...no, we're not-- No. We're not accusing anybody of anything.

We just, we just want to talk to him.

No. He's not home.

Well, did, did, did, did he bring a new dog home recently?

- Okay. - I would suggest

you get back on the ferry

-and stay the fuck away from my kid. -Look, lady--

-Oh, no! Don't call her that. -"Lady"?

- I don't even care about the money. - ...no, h-- no...

-I just need my dog and my ring. -"Lady"?

- Tony! Tony! - Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey...

How many do you have in there, ma'am?

...all right! Everybody calm down.

Calm down! Calm down, all right.

Whoa, whoa! Buff.

Can you just, just ask Mikey

if he knows anything about the damn dog?

Okay? This is nuts.

Bullshit. Let's go. Ow.

Get your hands off me. What--

- What are yo-- - what are y--

- Oh, my God! - Oh!

Oh, wow!

That's for betraying us.

Is that the flavor I like?

- Yeah. - Get the fuck out of here.

Okay.

Fuck.

Do you think I need to go to the hospital?

Like, what if it swells up and I can't breathe, man?

You can breathe through your mouth, right?

Yeah. Oh! Oh, man! She really nailed me.

- Did you see that? -Yeah. My eyes are watering.

-You know what? We should call the police. -No, no. Whoa.

-No, no, no, no. No, no. D-- -Why not?

-do-- don't do that. -Why not? Mikey robbed me

and she just assaulted both of us!

-They can't get away with it because you have a soft spot. -I--

I know, I know, but...

...we can't just have them thrown in jail, all right?

He's just a kid.

They've been through enough.

Fine.

Fine. Then what do we do?

You think I'm, like, gonna be scarred from this?

-Physically or emotionally? -Physically.

Will I have just, like,

- one wonky nostril from now on? - Nah.

Wait. Hold on.

- Maybe. - Oh. Great.

One more way to disappoint Wendy.

But I'm pretty sure this is the last straw.

No. Nah, it's not your fault.

At, at least, not entirely.

Oh, no, no, it's not-- it's not just this.

I have been such a...

...sniveling ass the last three weeks.

Th-- the whole last year, actually.

I don't know why she proposed to me.

Sh-- she proposed to you?

Yeah. But I said no.

Ha-- hang on. I thou-- hang on. Wha-- the...

...why did you have a ring

if you didn't wanna get hitched?

No, I-- I, I-- I want to, I plan to, I just--

I wanted to wait until I, you know, I had, like, something to offer her.

Something more than the promise of your eternal love?

Yeah! Like...

...I don't know, stability.

Oh! Hey, man! Ow, shit.

That's the dumbest fucking thing I ever heard.

There's no such thing as stability!

You can have it all figured out. You can have your house,

your job, your marriage, health, and then wham!

Pornhub comes along and swallows your business,

and then your wife dies in her sleep

from a condition neither of you even knew she had.

Life, life is... fucking short,

and it is brutally arbitrary.

And if, if you find someone that wants to hold your hand

through this hellscape, then you fucking take it

and you hang on as hard as you can

for as long as you can.

Sorry.

I'm s-- I'm s-- I'm sorry about your wife.

That's awful.

Yeah, it is.

Nine months and I still can't breathe.

Di-- did you say, um...

...Pornhub took your business, like, like, pickle business?

No-- Yeah. No.

Before the pickles.

Angie and I used to run an amateur porn collective.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. You know... - Wow!

...yeah, yeah. It was our little bohemian love den.

Uh, you'd be surprised how many people wanna watch

a real loving couple have good sex.

She-- One Christmas, she gave me a mug that said,

"My tits belong to the world, but my heart belongs to you."

I chipped it last week,

and I nearly lost my mind.

What was she like?

And not in porn, just, like, as a person.

She was extraordinary.

One of those people who everyone instantly loved,

you know? And she brought out the best in everyone around her,

you know, especially me.

-Yeah, sounds like Wendy. Yeah. -Yeah?

Then you have yourself a keeper, my friend.

So, baby...

...I just got one thing. I know you gotta leave.

And I g-- just got one thing I gotta say

before you spread your wings.

♪ Here, here is-- ♪Wait.

♪ Here is-- ♪Wait.

♪ Here-- ♪ Wait.

Don't, don't make, don't make that sound.

- Sorry. - That's a terrible...

Faster!

Faster!

Hey, Brent.

- Brent, wake up. -Here's-- everybody's...

-...okay? -Hey.

Let's go get my dog.

-Okay. Yeah. -Yeah.

Come on.

Got your keys.

Okay.

Okay. Come on, let's do this.

Oh! Um, yeah.

Well, I would, but...

my shoulder is still jacked.

It didn't seem to bother you last night, when you made me sit

through every guitar riff you ever learned.

Yeah, well, I had about half a bottle of bourbon in me.

- And also, fuck you! - You were enjoying it.

Get your ass in there before they wake up.

Oh.

Can you pull up a little bit? I can't get out.

Huh.

All right.

Shit.

Fuck, fuck.

Oh, shit!

Mikey! Walk the dogs! Now!

Tony.

Tony.

Tony?

Hey.

Brent! Brent, open the door!

-Jeez. Okay, okay! What the-- -Open!

- Come on. Oh, jeez, here you go! - Okay. Oh!

- Oh, wait! Wait, wha-- what the fuck happened in there? - Keep going!

Oh, man. A lot of stuff. Here you go. Drive.

-Start the car and drive, man. -Wait! Wait! Wait, what the--

what the hell, man? These are her dogs!

-They are? -I mean, wha-- where's your dog? Where's--

-I don't know! He wasn't in there! -Where's--

But start the car, man, we gotta go!

I can't-- I don't--

-Where are my keys? -Oh!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Why'd you steal the turtle?

-I thought that they were all stolen. -Oh, okay.

We're gonna give them their pets back.

- Even the turtle? -...yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ!

Son of a bitch, you brought that psycho to my house!

- I'm-- - I'm gonna take off now.

...go man, drive. Start the car. Start the car. Start the car!

- I'm gonna take off so that you can... - ...I swear to God,

-Brent! I swear to God I'll smash... -...calm down--

...your window, Brent. I will smash it.

...oh, hey! Hey, Mikey!

- I will be back... - -I'll smash your window, Bre--

-...with the dogs. -I'm sorry!

I thought they were stolen!

Iggy! Iggy! Iggy, good dog!

Iggy!

Hey. Thanks.

For what?

For getting me out of my head for a few hours.

Well, uh...

...here I go.

You'll be okay. Or not.

Probably not.

-Give me a-- -Give me a man hug.

Yeah.

Right.

Hey, if she kicks you out, you can't stay with me.

- Wouldn't want to anyway. - All right.

Okay, lovey. Uh, I gotta tell you something.

I lost the dog.

I lost the dog. The, uh,

the dog-- the dog was stolen.

Dog was s--

Hello?

- Tony! Come here, boy! - Come here, boy!

Come here, boy! Come here! Oh! Oh, my goodness!

Oh, it's so good to see you!

I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

What do you have to say?

Look, I'm sorry.

I was never gonna hurt him, just so you know.

He's a great dog.

All right. Hey, hey, go wait in the car.

- Yeah. - Go wait in the car.

I, uh-- yeah, I didn't know he was in the shed, I swear.

Guess, yeah-- thought he could keep him

after robbing you...

...of your money and your ring and--

I am so tired. I don't even know what to do anymore.

You gonna press charges?

I won't if you won't.

Also, I'm really sorry about your nose!

Yeah. Come on, buddy. Let's go.

I got you good, though!

Hey, guess what?

I'm gonna propose to Mom.

What do you think of that?

Yeah. I might even let you come to the wedding.

I cannot believe you were lying to me this whole time.

I-- I didn't lie, I just, I-- I, I, um,

I omitted.

Okay, fine. I lied. I lied, okay? And...

-...I'm so sorry. -Did you take him to the vet?

No. He seems fine.

How do you know he's fine?

People who steal dogs are not good people, Walt.

It w-- it-- it wasn't like that.

Actually, it was just like this, like,

really, really troubled, troubled teen.

Um...

now that I think about it,

it was actually a pretty funny story. There was,

like, this guy named Brent, who's a really funny guy,

-actually, really foul mou-- -What the fuck are you talking about?

Sorry. I'm, I'm trying to say that,

uh, he was, he was well taken care of, okay?

It was probably, like, the best case scenario

-when you think about it. -The best case scene--

the best case scenario would've been

for you to not tie him to a telephone pole

-so you could go buy a joint. -Hey.

I was trying to help myself.

Okay? You, um, you have, you have no idea what it's like to, like,

-be in here all day long. -Yeah, well, that's 'cause you never talk to me.

Okay. Let's talk. Let's talk.

Um, I have spent the last three days,

morning, noon, and night, uh, scouring this entire city,

dealing with every single nut bag out there,

trying to make sure that I got this guy home before you got back.

Does that mean that if I hadn't have found the flier,

-you just weren't gonna tell me? -I wanted to tell you.

I planned to tell you. I just wanted it to have a happy ending, Wendy.

Walt, what if they had hurt him?

Okay, what if? What if, what if, what if.

- What if had killed him? - They didn't!

They di-- He's here! He's not dead. He's fine!

I can't be around you right now.

Walt, I need you to leave.

Oh, okay.

Okay. Yeah. That's, that's best probably.

You're okay, buddy. You're okay.

...loosen everything in your body...

...shake out your arms, your hips, shake out your shoulders...

...your arms are like jelly.

Okay, we're gonna go into our three swoops.

Ready? One,

two,

three.

Think of every idiot in your life!

Practice...

...let it all out!

- Oh! - -Thanks for coming over, you guys.

Oh, so sweet of you!

Well... didn't mean to pop in--

What did you get?

-Oh, dumplings-- -Oh, we got some shrimp, and we got some--

- Hey! - Oh!

Oh! Oh, Walt, you look terrible, honey.

-What happened?- -Um-- Oh, no, it's a, it's a long, long story.

We heard about Tony.

Oh! Rough couple of days, huh? Aw.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm, I'm, I'm sorry that I didn't know

- you were coming, I would've-- - Oh, no, don't be sorry!

-We didn't tell Wendy we were coming, either. -So good t-- so good to see you.

- So good to see you! Yeah. - We just couldn't wait!

- We couldn't wait to celebrate! - Me too!

So good! Amazing!

The pitch.

I won. I got the investment.

-You won. -Yeah.

Oh, my God. That's fantastic!

Um. Yeah. I--

-Congratulations. -Yeah.

That's why I tried calling you so many times,

but you were busy covering up your lies, so--

-Hey, let's, let's eat. -Yeah.

- Great. - -Can I, can I help with some of this?

Yes, sure. Grab some of that...

I'll get this stuff. Yeah, yeah, you go ahead.

...in the bag that's still there.

So, uh, Art, how, how are you feeling?

You, um, you look, you look well.

I feel like a million bucks.

Don't let the cane fool you.

- Sue makes me use it. - That's great, I--

I'm so-- I'm happy for you.

What about you, Walt? Are you liking Portland so far?

All things considered.

- Um, actually-- - Walt hates Portland, Mom.

That, that, that, that, that's not true.

No? Name one thing that you haven't complained about

since we got here.

There are no jobs. Mussels are dumb.

We're not having sex.

-Whoa. -Hey.

Well, sex is important.

Uh, maybe Walt just needs

a little more time to settle in, honey.

Moves are very stressful.

You didn't even unpack a single box.

Oh, actually, I did unpack a single box.

And the reason I didn't unpack the rest of them

was 'cause I was out d-- day and night looking for Tony.

Okay, you keep saying that like you're not the reason

- he went missing in the first place. - -Look, I know

that I'm the reason, and I feel fucking terrible about it, okay?

But you wanna know what?

You wanted a dog, so I got a dog.

You wanted to move. So what did I do? I-- I moved.

So could you please just give me, like,

uh, the tiniest bit of credit here?

You are so selfish. You think I wanted to move?

That I wanted to reconfigure my entire business plan right before launch?

-My dad had a heart attack. -I know he did!

I know you did. I'm sorry about that.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I thought you quitting your job would free you

from whatever it was that was holding you back,

but instead, you're just retreating further into yourself.

And I'm trying so hard to be supportive, Walt,

but you kind of suck right now!

I know. I know I suck, Wendy. Fuck, Wend--

Come on! Like, I just, I don't, I don't know how not to.

I don't know how to get out of it, okay? And, like, you just, like,

so easily hit all of these benchmarks,

an-- and I feel like I'm, I'm just, like...

drowning from, like, the bottom, like, watching you,

because I, I, I have no other higher calling, Wendy.

I just-- I, I feel like, honestly,

honestly, you wanna know honestly what I think?

I feel like I don't deserve you.

What are you talking about?

I'm the one who asked you to marry me!

Yeah, because you didn't think

that I would actually have the guts to do it myself--

No, because I actually wanna marry you, you butthead!

Why can't you wrap your big, stupid brain

around the fact that if I wanted you to be

a completely different person,

I would be with a completely different person?

But you should want to be with a completely different person.

How do I see that and you don't-- Um,

I, um...

Walt--

It's was nice to see you both.

Did you really move back here because of me?

Gonna have to go back eventually, you know?

Does Wendy make you happy?

Yes.

Wrong.

You make you happy.

Don't put that shit on another person.

You know, yo-- your whole, uh, zen-zero fucks thing is...

...is actually quite annoying.

Well, it's a good thing I give zero fucks

about being annoying then, huh?

Here. Read this.

"I like myself."

Mm-hmm.

Now read it four more times.

-Nah. -Oh. Come on.

-Uh, uh, uh, no, no, no, no, no. -Humor me.

"I like myself, I like myself, I like myself, I like myself."

- Okay. - Did I ask you to read shit?

What? No.

Then why did you spit it out like that?

You gotta sit with it a sec each time.

Otherwise it doesn't work!

Try it again.

Hey, I'm, I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna just go sleep on the couch, okay?

Okay.

Is that from where I hit you the other night?

No, no. Some lady just shoved her cigarette up my nose.

-What? -Yeah.

Well, let me see.

Are you okay?

Well, uh--

Good night.

Tony?

Oh.

-Hey. -Hey.

I was, uh, just about to take Tony out for a walk.

You, um...

...you wanna join us?

Sure.

Oh.

Good boy!

- Oh, hey, chucklehead! - Hey.

-You know her? -Mm-hmm.

That's my buddy, Marianne.

Yeah!

Oh!

Oh.

♪ Wicked good ♪

♪ I love you darling 'cause you're wicked good ♪

♪ You started fires in my heart of wood ♪

♪ And they're burning hot because you're wicked good ♪

♪ Wicked sharp ♪

♪ Everything about you is wicked sharp ♪

♪ When I saw you at the counter of the old Kmart ♪

♪ Fell in love with you because you're wicked sharp ♪

♪ I've been halfway around the world and halfway back again ♪

♪ From Paris, Maine to Paris, France ♪

♪ And darling, I think you're the cutest girl ♪

♪ I ever did see won't you take me to the dance ♪

♪ Darling, wicked good ♪