All language subtitles for a.different.man.2024.hdr.2160p.web.h265-itswhatsontheoutsidethatmatters_Subtitles01.ENG

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC FLOURISHES]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

- [THUDS]
- EDWARD: Oh!

[GROANS]

Hey. Hey, man, you all right?

You need to lie down
or something?

No, this happens
from time to time. It'll pass.

Thanks for asking,
though. [GROANS]

All right, well just
let me know.

- I'll be at my desk.
- [EDWARD GROANS]

DIRECTOR: Uh, Mr. Lemuel...

[BELL RINGING]

That was maybe on the
slightly intense side.

Yeah, we...

I think we want less
of an aneurysm-type attack

and more like, uh...

Woozy. You know?

"Oh, oh."

BOTH: "Oh, oh."

All right? "Oh."

Don't wanna scare people.

EDWARD: Ah. Oh.

Ah. How's that feel?

- Great.
- Any notes for me?

DIRECTOR: Nope, you're great.

EDWARD: Oh. Oh.

SEAN: Hey. Hey, man,
you all right?

EDWARD: Oh.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

You, uh, you been
at this long?

A little while, I guess.

Mmm. Just got outta Julliard.

This is my first paying gig.
My first gig, really.

Mmm. Interesting experience.

- [MEN LAUGHING]
- [WHEELS SQUEALING]

[TRAIN RATTLING]

RAGGED MAN: I know
what you're all thinking,

but you're wrong.
I only want directions.

Where's this train
headed, huh?

Where's the conductor?

Ask him where
this train is bound.

Glory? That's not
my ultimate destination.

Fort Lee, New Jersey is
my ultimate destination.

I don't know
about you suckers,

I got a brother-in-law.

This train is hauling
the good, the bad,

and especially
the ugly mother fuckers!

So who's gonna be the hero?

- You?
- I'm a casting director,

specializing in unique
and unusual physiognomies.

- Have you ever considered...
- RAGGED MAN: Yeah,

they tell me
I got star quality.

CASTING DIRECTOR:
I believe that. Here...

LANDLORD: Salamunovich says,

"Nah, don't worry about it.
It's just a gland."

- Cool, yo...
- Hey, hey, 4F,

you keepin' a dog
in your apartment?

- No, why?
- Must be somebody else.

[MOVERS SPEAKING
OTHER LANGUAGE]

OLLIE: Hey. Come on, man.

Watch it, watch it,
watch it, watch it.

Hey, hey. No, come here.

Feel this. Feel this.

- [MOVER CHUCKLES]
- LANDLORD: Here.

That seem like a lump to you?

A little lumpy.

OLLIE: You know who
this guy reminds me of?

Woody Allen, when he was
younger and kind of nervous.

Yeah. He's kind of nervous.

OLLIE: Listen,
be confident brother.

Take some Brazilian jiu-jitsu,

or that Krav Maga
from Israel shit.

Look, hey, little guy.

All unhappiness in life comes
from not accepting what is.

Do you know who told me that?

LANDLORD: Your shrink.
OLLIE: No, I'm serious.

You know who told me
that all unhappiness in life

- comes from, uh...
- Jesus Christ.

LANDLORD: From not accepting
what is?

OLLIE: Lady Gaga.

I knew that fucking bitch
when she was...

[PEOPLE CHATTERING
IN OTHER LANGUAGE]

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

- [INGRID GASPS]
- Hi.

Um...

You wanna get there?

Excuse me.

Sorry, he's going...

- [LOUD THUDDING]
- INGRID: Jesus Christ, guys...

[MOVER SHOUTING
IN OTHER LANGUAGE]

[CARS HONKING]

[WATER DRIPPING]

[COUCH THUDS]

[TRUCK BEEPING]

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR SPEAKERS]

[WHISTLE INSTRUCTOR
WHISTLING OVER SPEAKERS]

[WATER DRIPPING]

[KNIFE TAPPING
ON CUTTING BOARD]

INSTRUCTOR: At its
most basic level,

whistling is about,

"Put your lips together

- "and blow."
- EDWARD: Hmm.

INSTRUCTOR: Right?
Everyone knows that.

Every five-year-old
knows that.

But, obviously, it's more
complicated than that.

As everyone, uh,
who's ever tried

to whistle knows,

that if you put
your lips together...

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- [EDWARD GASPS]

Oh! [GRUNTS]

INSTRUCTOR:
All of these muscles,

uh, the sphincter muscles
around your lips...

- Hey. Oh, your hand!
- Uh...

Um, I just unpacked
my first aid kit.

Right back, hold on.

[INSTRUCTOR WHISTLING]

- ...has something to do...
- [VIDEO STOPS PLAYING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Got it.

Oh, um, I'll fix that.
Don't worry about it.

- Can we sit here?
- [DOOR CLOSES]

I'm no doctor.
I waive all liability.

Do you consent?

Antibacterial ointment
and gauze pads

is the extent of my expertise
is overstating it.

Oh. Expired. Recently?

It's probably
still good though, right?

- EDWARD: Yeah.
- Um...

Mmm, paper towels.

- It's bad for the earth.
- EDWARD: Uh...

Let's, uh, examine
the wound here.

Oh, shi...

Maybe you need stitches?

- What do you think?
- I mean...

- Hmm...
- What happened to you?

- It's none of my business.
- Hmm.

Okay.

Let's see, ugh.

Those assholes
and I just stood there

like a moron.

And I thought,
"I've got an enemy
in my new building."

This will sting.

Did it not sting?

A little.

Okay, that's, that's good.

It's probably good.

- Hmm.
- Brave. This is potent stuff.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, um, let's just...

Before it...

Is this okay?

- EDWARD: Hmm?
- Oh shit.

I got it on the couch.

- Oh. No, it's okay.
- I'm so sorry.

Just tell me
if it doesn't come out.

[CHUCKLES] Oh.
I got it on my thigh.

That's disgusting. [CHUCKLES]

[FIRST AID KIT CLATTERING]

EDWARD: Hmm. [CHUCKLES]

[INGRID CLEARS THROAT]

[WATER DRIPPING]

Oh, you should probably
get that checked out.

- Uh...
- Your apartment is
so lived in.

Yeah. Uh, well, I mean,
it, uh, makes sense...

INGRID: Mine's a war zone.

- Are you from here?
- EDWARD: Yeah.

Hmm. I'm from Alesund.

- You heard of that?
- EDWARD: Mmm.

Sorry, what was
your name again?

- Edward.
- INGRID: E. Lemuel.

I saw it on the mailbox.

I'm Ingrid. Did I say that?

Is that your mom?

EDWARD: Yeah.

Is that you?

Yes.

- Is she alive?
- EDWARD: [CLICKS TONGUE] No.

So, what do you do?

Uh, well, I... I was just
cutting some onions...

INGRID: You're a writer.

Oh, I found it on the street.

Really? Looks valuable.

"They taunt me and beg me
to show my face,

"only so that when I do,

"they can turn away
in horror."

What's that?

I... I was
just testing it out.

It's interesting.

Actually, I'm a playwright.

I act.

Amazing.

I'm trying to think if I've,
uh, seen you in anything.

Not... Not likely. [CHUCKLES]

Well, maybe we'll ride
to glory together. [CHUCKLES]

- Maybe.
- [INGRID CHUCKLES]

Oh, uh, do you know who lived
in my apartment before me?

- C. Pulaski?
- Uh, yeah.

He, uh, came over
to, uh, borrow

some laundry detergent.

Uh, old guy. Widower, maybe.

- Did he die?
- I didn't...

I didn't know
he was, uh, gone.

Actually, this is not
why I came over.

But can I borrow
some laundry detergent?

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

- INGRID: Yeah?
- Sure. I...

Um, yeah.

You learning to whistle?

DR. VARNO: All in all,
things look relatively stable.

Eventually, we'll have
to take a look

at the growth
over your left eye.

Your vision is
noticeably impacted?

EDWARD: I've adjusted.

This makes it two
or so years without surgery.

- Much needed respite.
- EDWARD: Yeah.

Let's aim for three years.

But I must be frank
that sooner or later,

the eye will become
debilitating.

As for the cholesteatoma,

I think we should go in
and get that thing out.

But the hearing loss
is minimal,

so we can probably
sit on it for a bit.

Several other tumors have
shown minor enlargement,

but no impingement on
any important structures.

So, just some things
we have to keep an eye on.

I mention this
so that you have an idea

of the road ahead,
not that it's news to you.

But an alternative path
has presented itself.

A colleague of mine,
Eugene Flexner,

rather distinguished,

is on the lookout
for patients,

a patient like you,

for an experimental
drug trial.

This drug seems
to have the potential to be,

words like heal
and cure are an anathema

to folks in my profession,
but to actually heal you,

completely, even.

The implications are
life changing for you.

I shouldn't overpromise
anything

because it's
the first trial I believe.

Perhaps any potential risk is
worth the potential reward?

Something to think about.

- [CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [DOG BARKING]

[WATER DRIPPING]

[EDWARD SIGHS]

Oh, hey, neighbor.

Housewarming, for the door.

Didn't your mother give
that to you?

No, I... I found it
on the street.

Right. Okay.

I just wanna get rid of it,
and you're a play writer.

Yeah, but you could
probably get some cash for it.

Write me a part.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Yes. Right.

I'll get right on that.
No, but thank you.

It's, uh, very heavy, generous.

- Thank you.
- [EDWARD CLEARS THROAT]

Hey!

- CARL: Hey, man.
- Hello. That's my neighbor.

Come in. Thank you again.

EDWARD: Yep.
INGRID: Thank you.

OSTERMEIER: Jesus Christ.

Whom else would I love
but the most beautiful woman

in the world? Of course.

The most beautiful
of all women.

The most captivating,
the most intelligent.

Sometimes in the blue shadows
of evening,

I give way to tender feelings.

I go into a garden,

smelling the fragrance
of spring

with my poor monstrous nose,

and I watch a man and a woman,

strolling together
under the moonlight,

and I think how I too,

would like to be arm in arm
with a woman under the moon.

I let myself be carried away.

I forget myself.

And then I...

suddenly see
the shadow of my...

profile on the garden wall.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

NARRATOR: Sad as it is,
it will come as no surprise.

Attractive people are
the winners

in most areas of life,

and the workplace is
no exception.

You're likely
to be startled or perturbed

when you see a face like this.

You might stare tactlessly,

or on the contrary,
avert your gaze,

even if you're generally
a kind person.

These uneasy feelings
may diminish or subside

after repeated exposure

to your facially
different coworker.

Be gentle with yourself
for having these reactions.

We have no control
over the fight

or flight responses
of the reptilian part

of our brains.

But as developed,
empathetic beings,

there are strategies
we can adopt

to be more inclusive.

Here, according
to the experts,

are some techniques.

Make your disfigured
coworker feel included

on your team's project

and make an effort
to seek their input.

Luther, do you have
any feedback for Sally?

Sounds like an ace idea to me.

When appropriate, invite them

to social functions.

So, Morris,
it's my birthday this weekend.

Oh, really? How old are you?

It's a big one,
let's leave it at that.

- MORRIS: Mmm.
- But I'm, uh, having

some people at my place,

and I was thinking
you should come.

Sally will be there.

[CHUCKLES] Ace.
Thank you for thinking of me.

It really means a lot.

And you're welcome
to bring someone

if there's a girl or...

Uh, thank you.

Happy birthday.

NARRATOR: Ask how they're
doing occasionally,

as you would ask anyone else.

If they appear
to be in distress,

gently inquire
if they need your help...

- [EDWARD MOANING]
- NARRATOR: ...without assuming

their dependence on you.

Hey. Hey, man, you all right?

You need to lie down
or something?

[CLICKS TONGUE]
No, this... This happens

from time to time. It'll pass.

Thanks for asking though.

All right, well,
just let me know.

I'll be at my desk.

Hey, have you seen
Sally anywhere?

No.

That's, uh, basically it.

- Mmm. Is there more of you?
- No.

[NARRATOR SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER TV]

Well, is it...
What is it? Is it some...

Like they show it in offices?

I think something like that.

Yeah.

Well, it seems like
an important tool.

And, uh, no,
you made an impression.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

We all gotta start somewhere.

Yeah. Oh, you have
this blackhead on your nose.

Oh, I...

- Can I get at it?
- EDWARD: Uh...

[CHUCKLES] It's...
I can get it.

Can I?

Oh, okay. [CHUCKLES]

It's... No. I don't have to.

No, it's... It's fine.

It's, uh, you have
very oily skin.

I have a good cream for that.

- Okay.
- Hmm. I'd love to try it.

- Yeah?
- Sure.

- [INGRID CHUCKLES]
- [EDWARD LAUGHS]

[NARRATOR SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER TV]

So, no more of you
in this? [CLEARS THROAT]

- No.
- Ah, nope? Okay.

- Um...
- [INGRID CLEARS THROAT]

I think, uh, I'm gonna...

- EDWARD: Hey, I... I'm sorry.
- No, don't be sorry.

I... I forgot I have
this thing, and, uh...

I'll talk to you later.
See you soon.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR OVER SPEAKERS:
Psychologists have begun

to uncover where disgust
comes from...

[EDWARD SIGHS]

NARRATOR: ...some
researchers believing

the emotion is
similar to fear.

"Fear evolved to keep you
away from large animals

"that want to eat you
from the outside,"

says Valerie Curtis,
a behavioral scientist

at the London School of
Hygiene and Tropical Medicine.

[EDWARD SIGHS]

[UPSETTING MUSIC PLAYING]

DR. FLEXNER: Okay, and then...

- [KEYBOARD CLACKS]
- DR. FLEXNER: Ta-da!

Okay. All right.
It's just a file photo,

but I believe
we all get the idea.

Uh, all right,
let's move on, Dr. Trutz.

All right, as you may know,

this drug was
originally developed

as a treatment
for androgenic alopecia.

It's an area which has
shown significant promise.

Uh, it's
in phase three trials?

Uh, but, what we're
attempting here,

though, of course,
for a far more niche market,

is a different beast
altogether.

At the dose that we propose
to administer,

physical modification
of hard and soft tissue,

both reductive
and augmentative,

was observed without the need

for manual shaving
or grafting.

There is the potential
to restore form and function

to bodies containing
a variety of defects,

which is paramount

to a patient's
physical appearance,

while reducing
the overall cost

with only a moderate level
of morbidity.

There was a non-zero number

of wound dehiscence
and vessel damage...

- [MACHINE BEEPING]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[INSTRUMENT TRILLING]

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

[BEEPING]

[THUMPING]

[TUBES GURGLING]

[INSTRUMENT WHIRRING]

We'll use this one
to measure the progress,

and we'll feed
any inconsistencies

back into the machine.

Wow. What a world! [CHUCKLES]

Log book.

Next to each
potential side effect,
mark the number.

Zero meaning non-existent,
one meaning mild,

ten meaning... [CHUCKLES]

These are going to help
protect your kidneys.

Take them every four hours
on the dot.

These could be placebos?

These ones, no.

Everybody gets these
to protect the kidneys.

The placebo arms are
for the Turpidol

and the Ochiprosoponib
medication.

So theoretically, yes,

with those you won't know
for sure,

but I'd just put that idea
out of your head.

Now, let's get
that bandage changed.

Dr. Trutz.

Dr. Trutz! Dressing change.

This one's...

See you tomorrow.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING]

- [PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]
- [WOMAN LAUGHS]

And it paid
really badly, so...

- It wasn't the move.
- Wasn't the move.

Wasn't the move.

Um, I remember...

I remember going
to some great record stores.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[LATIN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN ON TV:
It drives me crazy.

And you know what I think
about money I make?

I'll tell you what I think
about money.

See this? This is what
I think about money.

This, all right?
So go ahead then.

You ready?
Throw it up in my face.

Come on, do what you say.

Say it! Say it!

Say how you pay the bills.

How you're spending
your money.

How you picked up
the rent last month.

Huh? What do you want me
to do, get on my knees?

You want me to kiss your feet?

Well, forget it, man.

Because this place
has been here long

before you got me up in here,

and it'll be here long
after you leave.

All right? So don't tell me
about money.

And don't tell me about pain,

and don't tell me
when you think

it could've been finished.

All right? I'll tell you
when it gets finished.

In fact, you'll be
the first to know.

I'll come and tell you, man.
I'll come over...

[EDWARD GRUNTS]

[COUGHS]

MAN: I'll whisper it.
Right in your ear, man.

I'll say, "It's done!"

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING
OVER TV SPEAKERS]

WOMAN 1 ON TV: Ah, come on.

I don't wanna spend
another night

just sitting around,
looking at the TV.

WOMAN 2 ON TV: We have to.
We have no money.

WOMAN 1: But I thought
you got your al...

- Ali, Ale, Al...
- WOMAN 2: Alimony.

WOMAN 1: Alimony check today.

WOMAN 2: I did,
but I had to pay rent.

- [FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]
- [LOUD THUD]

[BULB CRACKLES AND CLINKS]

[WATER DRIPPING]

WOMAN 1:
We don't have any drugs?

- We don't have any money?
- [CEILING CRACKS]

- [OBJECT SPLASHES]
- WOMAN 1: We don't have any...

I can't take it anymore!

WOMAN 2: Why don't you call up
one of your friends

and go out?

WOMAN 1: Because I don't have
any friends.

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- [EDWARD GASPS]

- MAN: Open the door!
- [KNOCKING CONTINUES]

[LOUD BANGING ON DOOR]

[BANGING CONTINUES]

No, no. This way. 4B! 4B!

OFFICER: Come on.
Let's move. Go, go, go.

EMT 1: Snip the thing.
EMT 2: [GRUNTS] Yeah.

EMT 1: Cut it.

- You got him?
- EMT 2: Yeah.

EMT 1: Careful,
don't drop him.

- [CUTTER CLANKS]
- [EMT 2 GRUNTS]

WOMAN: Oh!

EMT 2: I got him. I got him.

EMT 1: Good?
EMT 2: [GRUNTS] Yep.

I'm... I'm good.

EMT 1: Yeah, I'm tired man.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS]

[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[CAT PURRING]

- [SIRENS BLARING]
- [PURRING CONTINUES]

EMT 3: Okay, set it down.
Goodnight, sweet prince.

EMT 4: Think this guy was
a poet?

[ICE CREAM TRUCK
PLAYING MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS]

EMT 3: What were
you doing, man?

EMT 5: What?

WOMAN OVER SPEAKERS: Hello?

EMT 5: Hey, go around.
You gotta go around.

Let's go!

[ICE CREAM VENDOR SHOUTS
INDISTINCTLY]

[EMTS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

ICE CREAM VENDOR:
Learn to park, motherfuckers.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

ICE CREAM VENDOR:
Hey, where were you

when my mother had a stroke.

EMT 3: Hey, come on, guy!

Go away. You gotta go back.

[ICE CREAM TRUCK CONTINUES
PLAYING MUSIC]

His name was Ostermeier,
according to his mailbox.

- Yeah, Ostermeier.
- You knew him?

No.

Would you kill yourself?

I don't know, maybe.

Depends on the circumstances.

Don't say "maybe". Say "no".

- Would you?
- What a question!

I know I asked it first.

Hey, what happened
to your bandage?

Oh, yeah, it healed.

It's a miracle.
I'm like St. Francis.

Guess I chose
the wrong profession,

and now I'm gonna slash you,

- get some more practice.
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]

Sorry. Nervous Nelly.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I'm not scared.

Um, what are your plays about?

No, don't ask.
I'd rather talk about suicide.

- Sorry.
- No, it's just...

It's embarrassing
talking about...

Especially when it's
still in progress.

You know,
I call myself a writer,

but it's...
It's sort of aspirational.

No, I do write. It's...

I've written
a few translations

by this Italian, though,
you wouldn't know him,

he's a nobody.
I won an award for it.

- Small, but, yeah.
- Hmm.

I'm trying to write
my first original play,

but I'm still figuring it out.

You probably want
your typewriter back.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, throw it out
for all I give a shit.

I wouldn't throw it out.

At the very least, it makes me
looks like a writer.

At the very least, it makes me
look like a writer.

[EDWARD CHUCKLES]

- Its presence mocks me.
- Inspires you.

That's the most positive
thing I've heard you say.

[EDWARD CHUCKLES]

What are your favorite plays?

Um, I don't know.

The one about
the, um, selling...

The... The seller, salesman.

Oh. Mmm-hmm.

- Um...
- Yeah.

I saw a pretty good one
on TV about the Nazis.

- Which one's that?
- I don't remember the name,

but it had singing
and dancing and Nazis.

The Nazis were singing
and dancing?

No, the, um...

- The other...
- Jews.

I guess so.

The Jews were singing
and dancing?

Yeah, I guess so.

Sounds like
a weird dream you had.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Probably I'm misremembering.

[TAPPING]

Who's that?

I don't... I don't know.

Why is he waving at you?

I... I have no idea.

What did he want?

Why'd he think he knew you?

[SIGHS] Sometimes
these things happen to me.

They do?

[EDWARD SLURPS]

Well, I'd like
to come see the...

- Your play when...
- You're not gonna see it,

you're gonna be in it, right?

[EDWARD CHUCKLES]

- [RAIN PATTERING ON WINDOWS]
- [WATER DRIPPING]

[THUNDER CLAPS]

[CEILING CREAKING]

- [CRASHING]
- [EDWARD GRUNTS]

[WATER RUNNING]

[EDWARD GRUNTS]

Ah!

[GROANS]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

EDWARD: Argh!

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

[GROANING]

[GASPS] Argh!

[CHUCKLES] It's incredible.

[CHUCKLES]

I guess this means
I'm not in the control group?

I can't disclose
that information, officially.

This could be something
called the placebo effect.

EDWARD: I have to admit,

I'm... I'm starting
to feel a little...

frightened, and, uh...

Is this safe?

I mean, uh, my face is
falling off in clumps.

DR. FLEXNER: [CHUCKLES]
I'm sure it only looks

- like clumps to you.
- Big gobs.

Skin particles cleaving
at the fascial planes.

Look, you are healing,
Mr. Lemuel.

You're a part
of medical history.

You might even be the subject
of a documentary one day.

If I'm not
in the control group.

DR. FLEXNER:
Oh, and if at all possible,

I'd like you to take
photographs of your face,

say ten a day,

just to monitor
the rate of change,

which appears
to be very rapid.

Perhaps the risk
is worth the reward.

Something to think about.

Ta-da!

What do I do with it?

Keep it, uh,
as a souvenir, a reminder.

EDWARD: Of what?

[ALARM BLARING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAR HONKING HORN]

Do you hear that? That alarm.

You're an actor, right?

A movie actor.

I've seen you around.

You gotta be careful
out there, man.

[EDWARD GROANS]

[COUGHING]

[BUS BRAKES SQUEALING]

[ALARM WAILING]

[EDWARD RETCHING]

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [EDWARD COUGHING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

["TURN AROUND" BY CARL PERKINS
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

BARTENDER: Crapper's
for customers only, buddy.

So what's it gonna be?

Something potent
by the looks of it.

[BOTTLE CLINKS]

Up? Or rocks?

Let's not dilute
its medicinal value, huh?

[SIRENS WAILING]

Hey, man.

I know you.

Where do I know you from?

I don't know.

Do you know me?
You recognize me?

I'm Guy Gaunt.

- EDWARD: I don't know.
- Ring a bell?

EDWARD: I don't know, maybe.
I can't place you.

Right.

- Volunteer fireman.
- What?

Do you... Do you work
for Facebook?

No, but I get this a lot.

- Um...
- No, that's not it.

I saw you.

I wouldn't forget you.
I... I don't forget a face.

EDWARD: Hmm.

Excuse me,
you got a little, uh,

blood or something on ya.

- EDWARD: Hmm. Hmm.
- What's your name?

- Edward.
- After that.

- Lemuel.
- Huh?

- Lemuel.
- Leemwell.

- Edward Leemwell.
- Mmm-hmm.

Hey, how do you do?

This is really
some mystery, isn't it?

I'm Guy Gaunt, like I said.

It'll come to me though.

- You think on it, too, okay?
- Okay.

Okay. Enjoy your drink.

[EDWARD RETCHING]

[RETCHING AND COUGHING]

[CRYING]

[SCREAMS] No!

[CRYING]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHING]

- [SKIN SQUELCHING]
- EDWARD: Uh...

[GASPS]

[BREATHING SHARPLY]

[GRUNTS]

[GAGS]

[GAGGING]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS]

[CHUCKLES]

[UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING]

INGRID: [MUFFLED] I must say
it's a silver lining.

- It's not...
- CARL: It's not what?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[INGRID CLEARS THROAT]

WHISTLE INSTRUCTOR:
If you put your lips together,

and blow, uh, sometimes
this is what you get.

[BLOWING AIR]

And, uh, you know, most of
the frustrated comments

I get are, "Cosmo, I put
my lips together and I blew,

"but, um, that's all I got.

"I sound like a tea kettle,
but it's not whistling."

Obviously, there's
something else at play.

What you really want is
you want your... your mouth...

- [EDWARD BLOWS AIR]
- WHISTLE INSTRUCTOR: ...tight.

- Not necessarily...
- [EDWARD BLOWING AIR]

WHISTLE INSTRUCTOR: ...small,
because that, you know, varies

- with the pitch.
- [EDWARD SOBBING]

[TENSE MUSIC FADES OUT]

[INGRID AND CARL LAUGHING]

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIREN WAILING]

[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]

[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS]

[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

Whiskey.

Rocks, up?

I don't wanna dilute
the medicinal value.

You what?

One more?

[MEN SHOUTING]

[CHEERING]

Let's go, man!

Come on, man. We did it!

- Fucking wild, man.
- Let's go baby.

Yeah! Yeah!

MAN 1: Come on, man.
MAN 2: Yeah!

- MAN 1: It's time to fuck up!
- [MAN 3 GRUNTS]

EDWARD: Yeah!
MAN 1: Yeah!

[BOTH YELLING]

[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]

[EDWARD MOANS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[CHUCKLES]

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

- [EDWARD SIGHS]
- [WATER DRIPPING]

[SIREN WAILING]

Uh...

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KEYS JANGLING]

[DOOR UNLOCKS]

[DOOR OPENS]

You got the hole?

EDWARD: Uh, what...
What time is it?

[CLEARS THROAT]

What the hell did you do?

I... I didn't...
I didn't do anything.

Well, you shouldn't
have let it get like this.

Yeah. Well, what was
I supposed to?

I didn't...
I didn't know what...

You know, I told
the guy downstairs, and...

- Where were you?
- Gallstones.

- I thought your mother...
- This 4F?

Yeah.

You're the man
that lives here?

Well, yes.

There's another man
that lives here though.

Sometimes, maybe. Why?

You're the one that called

and complained
about this hole.

- The man with the dog.
- No.

I mean, I have a cat.

NESTOR: A cat? Named what?

I don't know.

NESTOR: That's the guy
that lives here?

That is art.

- NESTOR: Hmm, like a mask?
- Like a... A bust.

[CAT MEOWS]

Pretty weird stuff.

Okay, I'll, uh,
I'll fix the...

- Is that the cat?
- Yep.

Okay, I'll fix the hole.

- Should I leave?
- You can do whatever you want.

You need help?
Want some tap water?

I hope I have
the materials for this.

This is a big problem.

Should've fixed this sooner.

[NESTOR EXHALES]

Hi, uh, sorry.
It... It was open.

Is this Ed Lemuel's apartment?

I... I know it's early.

I'm looking for Mr. Lemuel.

- Uh, he's a patient of mine.
- Um...

Uh, we have not heard
from him for a week,

and no one
in my office has been

able to get a hold of him.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Yeah.

Well, what, um,
happened is that he, uh...

Edward is dead.

What? He's dead?

It happened very suddenly.

How? When... Uh...

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Ah, thanks. Thanks.

I'm Guy, a family friend.

- Family.
- Yeah.

So, is there a funeral?

Uh, yeah, no, it's over.

He's... He's dead
and buried. Cremated.

Well, was he sick?

NESTOR: Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me, guys. Yeah.

We don't know.

- We're trying to find out.
- [DR. FLEXNER SIGHING]

Suicide.

Suicide?

Uh, was he depressed?

Yeah. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Yeah.

- Was he depressed?
- I don't know.

- I don't know.
- [DR. FLEXNER SIGHING]

You... You say
he was cremated?

I think cremated, yeah.

Uh...

So you're sure
Mr. Lemuel is really gone?

Yep. He's, uh,
really, really gone.

Just like that.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

[EDWARD GRUNTS]

MARIANA: I think
you have mice.

I saw some droppings. Ugh!

- [ZIPPER ZIPS]
- You need a cat. [CHUCKLES]

All right, I'll see you later.

NICK: ♪ Guy Moratz!

♪ You know I'm gonna
Take a chance

♪ On some good ass property

♪ Sell it to the lady ♪

MARIANA: Yeah!
NICK: Whoa!

[STAFF APPLAUDING]

- NICK: Look at this guy!
- [MARIANA CHUCKLING]

Look at this guy!

- Yes.
- MAN: Yeah!

This is my fucking guy.
Look at this piece

- of man candy
- Put it down.

- MAN: No way.
- No. I'm not going to.

- [EDWARD CHUCKLES]
- Look at this piece

of man candy. I'm getting
a fucking toothache.

- MARIANA: He looks great.
- Sit the fuck down.

Sit the fuck down
and get to work, you genius.

It turned out so well.

NICK: I notice that isn't
on your little billboard.

- [CHUCKLES] Sorry.
- What?

NICK: Just that
little pockmark or whatever.

It's nothing.
Nobody's ever gonna notice it.

It's not... You can't
see it on the...

You know, I'm sure
they buffed it out.

You're gonna wanna
change your name

if you're gonna be
a fucking famous model.

Guy Moratz just sounds
fucking made up.

MARIANA: He's on the lam.
NICK: He's on the lam, huh?

You kill somebody?
Who are you?

I'm not gonna tell anybody.
You kill somebody?

- No.
- NICK: Stay humble, Fabio.

I see you over there
getting a big old head.

[TRAIN RATTLING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

SILVERHEELS:
They taunt me and beg me

just to see my face.

Only so that when I do,

they can turn
and run in horror.

INGRID: Thank you,
Mr. Silverheels.

Thank you for your time.

[PEOPLE MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

WOMAN: I worry about it.

Can I help you?

Hi... [HESITATES]

- Are you here for Edward?
- EDWARD: Uh...

Is he on the call sheet?

Sammy Silverheels
is the last one for the day.

- What?
- Did you get sides?

- Sides?
- Viv give him the...

Get him sides for, um, Theo.

- VIV: Okay.
- Scene 12.

- Fiona, can you...
- FIONA: Yeah.

[INGRID CLEARS THROAT]

Okay. Whenever you're ready.

[EDWARD CLEARS THROAT]

Um...

"If... If it was me,
I would...

"I'd just move
out of the building,

"forfeit my deposit.

"I couldn't live next to that.

"Every time you step outside
not knowing

"if he's gonna be there.

"Always be on guard.
Jesus, I'd have nightmares."

Come on. Don't be an asshole.
You don't mean that.

"I sure as hell do mean it.

"And I... I don't feel bad
about it either.

"Humans are hardwired to fear,

"despise the sick
and the ugly.

"Used to leave deformed babies
out to die in the cold.

"Put 'em
in the institutions at least.

"I've got science on my side.

"You know it's true.
But it's...

"You're... You're
just being politically, um...

"correct."

[TRAFFIC WHOOSHING]

I need this, man.

I'd be right for it, too.

Kind of born for it.

You know what I mean.

Just wanna tell my mama,

"Hey, it was all worth it."

[SIRENS WAILING]

[SIGHS] The life
we've chosen, huh?

Yeah.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- [DOORBELL CHIMING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Uh, who is Guy Moratz?

FIONA: Does it hurt?

EDWARD: No.
FIONA: Good.

Hey, that photo,

- is that you as a boy?
- EDWARD: Oh.

INGRID: Excuse me.
EDWARD: Yeah.

INGRID: Excuse me.
What's going on here?

EDWARD: I...
INGRID: Well...

EDWARD: What?

INGRID: Forgive me, is that,
uh, some kind of mask?

EDWARD: It's a prototype.

INGRID: Prototype? Of what?

EDWARD: For the face.

The eventual, uh...

Uh, we'll use makeup.
I don't... I don't know...

However you wanna handle it.

INGRID: Who are you exactly?

EDWARD: I'm Edward.

Guy Moratz, supposedly.

EDWARD: I was...
INGRID: Guy Moratz.

- You're Guy Moratz.
- EDWARD: I was born for this.

INGRID: So...

EDWARD: I am this guy.

INGRID: Are you... deformed?

EDWARD: I am this guy.

We... [CHUCKLES]

This is... This is an
off-Broadway production.

I don't think
we can afford makeup.

EDWARD: Just let me
do the scene.

INGRID: Where'd
you get that mask?

EDWARD: Begin please.

Begin. Come on.

- [SIGHS]
- There.

All better.

- Does it hurt?
- EDWARD: No.

Good.

Hey... [CHUCKLES]

That photo.

- EDWARD: Oh.
- Is that you as a boy?

EDWARD: Uh, um, yeah.

So I guess you weren't born...

- I'm sorry. It's not my place.
- EDWARD: It's okay.

FIONA: People probably
ask you a lot of questions.

EDWARD: It's not the questions
I, uh, mind so much.

FIONA: No?

People can be cruel,
I imagine.

You have an eyelash.

- Let me get it.
- EDWARD: Uh...

FIONA: I...
EDWARD: Oh.

I have to go. I...

EDWARD: I'm... I'm sorry.
FIONA: No, no, no.

I... I didn't realize
what time it was.

EDWARD: I'm sorry.
It's just, um...

No one, uh...

No one's ever, uh...

Touched my...
My face before.

[EDWARD CLEARS THROAT]

INGRID: Your first audition
was a little, uh...

EDWARD: I was,
uh, traumatized,

because a... a friend,

childhood best friend was...

Had very much,
uh, this condition.

Like Edward, your Edward.

Don't tell me
his name was Edward.

No, no.

- Ronnie.
- Can Lonnie act?

He died. Um, which is...

And so I...
I felt overwhelmed.

Uh, you know,

and... And... And that's why
I really feel strongly

that I have to play this part.

[CHUCKLES] That's one way
to honor a friend.

FIONA: Check it out.

EDWARD: So did you know
an Edward?

INGRID: An Edward?
This can't just be a story

my brilliant imagination has
cooked up?

I've known, you know,
a couple of people.

It's more of, um...
What's the word?

- Tribute.
- Amalgamation.

- Oh.
- It's me, too.

Part of the character is
based on myself in a way.

It's... It's, um...

Uh, how... How... How is that?

To be perfectly blunt,
I'd wanted to cast

a person who looks, well,

- who looks like that, ideally.
- Hmm.

But it's... It's hard.
You get fixated on this idea,

and, um, if it's not right,
it's not right.

You had someone
specific in mind.

The question is,
do you cast someone

with a condition even though
it's not the right fit?

Is it wrong to cast someone

because of their disfigurement?

Exploitative even?

Will people come to gawk?

Where's the ethical line?

You know, it's funny
because, um,

Edward has this awkwardness
in his own skin,

and it's kind of brilliant
in a way,

seeing you who looks like you,

but you're not yourself.

You have this mask,
this other persona,

and it creates
this dissonance,

and it just...
It clicked for me.

It was strangely affecting.

It was like seeing
my own creation come to life.

[CHUCKLING]

- Oh, hey, Mr. Sablosky.
- Hey.

INGRID: He's blind.
Shoes off please.

- Not the bag.
- What?

- [CHUCKLES] Just kidding.
- [EDWARD LAUGHS]

Just put it on the floor.

Is this where you,
uh, you do your writing?

INGRID: Oh, I never used it.
I'm not sure it even works.

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

[CLACKING]

- Seems to work.
- INGRID: Hmm. It's yours.

Give it a proper home.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What...
Where did it come from?

Looks Italian.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- [CAT MEOWS]

Psst, psst, psst, psst.

- [CAT MEOWS]
- Hello.

- Hello.
- Who... Who is this?

- C. Pulaski.
- C. Pulaski.

- C. Pulaski.
- EDWARD: Yeah.

- Hey.
- Oh.

- [EDWARD CHUCKLES]
- [INGRID MIMICS MEOWING]

[CHUCKLES]

You hungry?

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Goddamn her.

- Ugh!
- Who... Who is that?

It's this intolerable
old hag down there.

You can't even walk
barefoot in here.

Okay.

- There's the bar.
- Oh, I've had enough.

Make me something.

- Ooh.
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]

Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[EDWARD CLEARS THROAT]

[POURING DRINK]

How long have you lived here?

["HITTIN' ON NOTHIN" BY
IRMA THOMAS PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

[EDWARD CHUCKLES]

Hmm.

I don't think
the old hag's gonna...

- [INGRID CHUCKLES]
- ...like that.

Well, what's worse?

Me having to tiptoe
around not to upset

the sensitive bitch,
or her having to live

with such a noisy
little bitch upstairs?

I would rather live
in a house all by myself.

That's not an answer.

[EDWARD CLEARS THROAT]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Cops after you?
- What?

- You're jumpy.
- I startle easily.

Yeah. Nervous Nelly.

You think it's the bitch?

- Hey.
- CARL: I'm sorry.

I was just in the borough.
I thought I'd drop in.

INGRID: You don't live here.
What are you doing here?

I can see you're
as excited to see me

- as I am to see you.
- INGRID: Yes, Carl.

[CARL MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

INGRID: It's not a game.
It's... It's over.

I'm sorry, Carl.
I have someone here.

CARL: Yeah, right here.

I'm here
to come in, say hello.

INGRID: I have
a visitor. Okay?

CARL: What...
What does that mean?

A... A delivery person?

INGRID: No.
You know what that means.

Don't act stupid.

- You know what I mean.
- CARL: Okay.

[CARL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

- Bah!
- [EDWARD SHUDDERS
AND SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES] I had to do that.

Who was... Who was that?

Jilted lover.

- EDWARD: Hmm.
- So many jilted lovers.

I leave a trail
of tragedy in my wake.

I warned you.

The sad reality is
my face is fragile.

And it's imperative

that I conduct my life
based upon this fact.

When in doubt, live in fear.

That's my mantra.

Stay out of ballrooms,
or crowded places in general.

Be nice to people.
Be deferential.

Be the bigger man.

Argue if I must,
and I mustn't really,

only from a safe distance.

Or under the protection
of some powerful friend,

if I even had one
and if he could

then be relied upon.

I tell myself,

"Edward, don't call
attention to yourself."

It's a useless ad... Ad...

It's a useless advice.

Eh...

Oh, pardon the, uh, intrusion.

I met this casting director,
unique and unusual

physiognomies is
his specialty.

And he told me about
this interesting play,

you're auditioning for,

and thought I could
potentially be a perfect fit.

So I'm no actor,
but I thought,

let's come down here,
give it a gander.

And from the tidbit
I've just seen,

seems like
a rather curious piece.

But alas,
I see the role is filled,

and rather ably, I must say.

So congrats to all involved.

And best of luck.
Break a leg, as they say.

I'll be sure to see it
when it comes out.

Take care.

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

Wait. Wait, wait.

- What?
- Wait. Hold on.

[INGRID BREATHING HEAVILY]

You have the mask?

What?

Put it on.

- Why?
- Just do what I tell you.

You don't wanna look at me?

Come on. It's my creation.

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

EDWARD: Hmm.

[INGRID BREATHING HEAVILY]

[EDWARD BREATHING HEAVILY]

[EDWARD BREATHING HEAVILY]

- [EDWARD MOANS]
- [LAUGHS] No, stop.

[LAUGHING]

EDWARD: What's the problem?

This is so fucked up.

What do you mean?

[LAUGHING]
You look ridiculous.

I just wanna say a toast
to the man who sold

the Cortland property, finally.

- King of 'em all.
- MARIANA: Ah.

NICK: Shit hole
with half a bathroom.

- [MARIANA CHUCKLES]
- Chin-chin, my little man.

- Chin-chin, indeed.
- OSWALD: Edward.

Hey, you probably don't
remember me.

- We met back at the, um...
- [SNAPS FINGERS]

...theatre. Oswald.

- I...
- NICK: Edward?

- NICK: I'm sorry. Edward?
- Um, hi.

- NICK: Sorry, what? Edward?
- It's... It's nothing.

OSWALD: Ooh, you're
only Edward on the telly.

Sorry, awful joke.

What do you go by
in the civilian world?

- Guy.
- MARIANA: Guy Moratz.

NICK: Fabio is
what I call him.

CLAY: Do you wanna
pull up a seat, Oswald?

OSWALD: I've got
a few moments, sure.

CLAY: This is all very,
very mysterious.

What secret intel have you got
about our enigmatic friend?

Only that
your dear friend, Mr. Moratz,

is starring in a soon-to-be,
classic theatrical production.

Star? Like as an actor?

EDWARD: No, it's... It's...
It's a small, uh, production.

- Uh, play. Um...
- Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, thank you so much
for telling me.

It makes me feel
very close to you.

- It's hard to, um, it, it's...
- Your friend plays a man

with a disfigured face.
Name of Edward.

NICK: Disfigured face?

And he dons
a very convincing mask.

Well, it's still being
perfected.

It's a prototype.

It's a sort of
a Beauty and the Beast yarn.

That's one way
of looking at it.

NICK: I love
Beauty and the Beast.

- No. Well, it's called...
- It's called just Edward,

which presumably means that
you are the star of the show.

CLAY: Our Guy,
a Broadway star?

- Off-Broadway.
- Off-Broadway, Broadway.

OSWALD: His first step
on the road to glory.

NICK: Show business.
OSWALD: I saw

a little bit of it,
and I was gobsmacked.

You were leading
a double life, and I knew it.

He's cheating on us,
that's what he's doing.

I... I'm getting the feeling
I've messed things

up for you tonight.

CLAY: Yeah, you've outed him.
Look how embarrassed he is.

- EDWARD: I'm not...
- Little bashful, you are...

MARIANA: He's
always embarrassed.

He's this little, like,
Nervous Nelly,

- I always call him, you know?
- NICK: Well, you should

see him when he gets bashful
like the seven dwarfs.

Would you like
a drink, Oswald?

OSWALD: I...
Actually, I have to skedaddle.

But it was lovely meeting
all of you. And a thousand...

And a thousand apologies

if I caused
any discomfiture at all.

- It wasn't my place to...
- CLAY: No, no, no.

...to reveal your secret.

- Oh, it's... [CHUCKLES]
- I will hopefully meet

all of you again,
and I will see you,

my friend, on stage,
cheering from the front row.

Take care.
Lovely meeting you all.

NICK: Bye, bye, Oswald.

OSWALD: I'm mortified
by my recklessness,

and I hope this doesn't
come between us.

I just wanted
to make sure you knew

how much I enjoyed
your performance.

- Take care, Guy.
- MARIANA: When is it?

- I mean, can we come?
- NICK: Does it have

your little pock mark...

CLAY: I like
that guy's accent.

- Is he from around here?
- NICK: So, Edward...

- Don't call me that.
- NICK: [CHUCKLES] Edward.

It's a cute name
on you, first of all.

I just don't understand.
He talks...

He speaks
to the audience in...

In these long
philosophical monologues,

and then when he talks
to Fiona,

- he's monosyllabic.
- Yeah. You want more lines?

You can barely remember
the ones you have.

And why does he have
to be so grateful to her?

- Just because he has this...
- INGRID: He's not grateful!

He's so indebted to her
just for talking to him?

No. He's nervous
because he hasn't

had a lot of experience.

How do you know what kind
of experience he's had?

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Maybe he's had a rich life.

- We don't know his backstory.
- I know the backstory

of my own character,
thank you very much.

And then he has
to go kill himself,

'cause, of course,
he's so depressed

- because he's deformed.
- Look who I ran into.

Guy, my fellow!

Ah, it's good
to see you again.

INGRID: Do you know
each other?

Uh, yeah. I drunkenly
descended upon Guy,

and his real estate mates
at the pub.

- Real estate mates?
- OSWALD: Lovely bunch.

I forgot to say, I'm looking
for a place of my own.

Oh, sorry. Oswald.

- INGRID: I'm Ingrid.
- Ah, the marvelous scribe.

- INGRID: And director.
- Ah, la maestra.

INGRID: Um, and this is Fiona,
who plays Iris.

- OSWALD: Hey.
- Good to meet you.

Uh, and yeah, you met Vivian.

- OSWALD: Of course.
- Yeah.

Uh, I don't know if this
is okay with you, I...

Would you like
to stay and watch?

OSWALD: Oh, I'm...
I'm developing

somewhat of a reputation
of intruding

- where I'm not wanted.
- [VIVIAN CHUCKLES]

No, not at all, really.

It will be
nerve-wracking for us.

The play's still very nascent.

- [OSWALD CHUCKLES]
- Nothing is set in stone.

OSWALD: Oh, everyone's so
self-conscious in showbiz.

- I love it.
- INGRID: Yes.

OSWALD: Though I am intrigued
by this whole process,

I have to admit.

INGRID: Um, well,
if you're not too busy.

OSWALD: No. I mean, I've just
had Jiu-Jitsu practice,

- so I'm a bit sweaty.
- Oh, wow.

OSWALD: But other than that,
I was just gonna sit

in the park and read my book.

- INGRID: What are you reading?
- The Bluest Eye,

- by Toni Morrison.
- That's one

- of my favorite books!
- OSWALD: Really? Oh, no way.

It just so happens I was
inspired by Guy to pick it up.

He's got these
piercing blue eyes.

And when I first saw them,

I was like,
"Ah, that reminds me."

Really? I never noticed
your eyes, Guy.

- Okay. Sit anywhere you want.
- OSWALD: Cool.

It will be boring,
stopping and starting.

OSWALD: You won't
know I'm here.

- Yeah, scene 16.
- Sixteen.

Yeah, just from the top.
Okay, and then, it's, uh...

Okay. [MUMBLING]

OSWALD: I was sad when he
offed himself in the end.

INGRID: Yeah, well,
it's a tragedy.

OSWALD: I mean, I know
There's... There's nothing

can really be done about it.

And I really like Edward.

A rather passive chap.

Well, of course,
till the suicide.

But honestly,
I was really hoping

Edward, and, uh, Fiona,
would live happily ever after.

- Oh, yeah.
- But then,

would the audience
believe that?

FIONA: I love your accent.

OSWALD: [CHUCKLES]
I get that a lot.

You yanks love my mellifluous
lyrical stylings.

- [ALL CHUCKLING]
- OSWALD: But back at home,

I'm just a bloke.

No one pays any attention
to me at all.

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

We should have
Edward have an accent.

I reckon the critics
would find it

a really classy endeavor.

- That's a great idea.
- Do it.

- Guy speak like Oswald.
- I... I can't. I can't.

- Sure you can.
- Come on. 'Ello mate.

'Ello mate.

INGRID: Yeah.
OSWALD: Yeah, yeah, look.

How's... How's
the old lady doin'?

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
Uh, how's the old lady doing?

INGRID: That's horrible.
OSWALD: I mean...

OSWALD: It needs
some refinement,

but we'll get you there.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You do
an American accent.

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT]
I coulda been a contender.

- INGRID AND FIONA: Yeah!
- Adrienne!

- Yes!
- I am not a crook.

INGRID: Wow, that's amazing.
Why can't you do that?

OSWALD: [IN NORMAL VOICE]
You're not playing

- Master Harold after all.
- INGRID: I guess they didn't

teach you accents at Julliard.

OSWALD: Really, Guy.
I had an affinity

for accents as a child,
like moving around a lot,

and it just, sort of,
blossomed into one

of my many useless talents.

What's your other talents?

Ooh, well, I can yodel.

Yodel-aye-ee-hoo!

I can juggle. I can sing.

I can play sax,
though I'm no Coltrane.

And I'm learning to weave.

- I'm ashamed to say.
- Oh, what can't you do?

- I mean, I can't whistle.
- I can teach you.

[INGRID WHISTLES] You just...

BOTH: Put your lips
together and blow!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, I can't drive
that well either.

INGRID: Can you act?

[PAPERS RUSTLING]

[INGRID MURMURING]

EDWARD: What time is it?

INGRID: He's right.

Edward is too passive.

What does he know
about Edward?

INGRID: I made him a victim.

I fell into
the most obvious trap.

What is he supposed
to be? A hero?

An inspiration?

INGRID: He's...
He's just Edward.

Look, you said it yourself.

You wanted more lines.

And then you got mad at me.

- But if Oswald says it then...
- Come on.

EDWARD: The guy
who killed Lincoln.

- INGRID: What?
- Oswald.

INGRID: Oswald killed Kennedy.

Whatever. Lincoln, right?

A disgruntled actor
killed Lincoln,

right there
in the theater, right?

Hinkley.

INGRID: Booth.

Right there in the booth.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

MURRAY: I'm sorry.

This must feel
very dehumanizing.

Uh-oh. It's very fragile.

No! Leave me alone!
Don't touch me!

But I was only trying to...

Yes! You're always trying
to be helpful, aren't you?

Yes! Uh...

Uh, I...
I don't want your pity!

You, you... I...
I know you dis...

I disgust you!

- FIONA: That isn't true.
- You don't think I know

what all your...
All your little friends

[HESITATES] say about me?

"Why are you hanging out
with that, with that freak?

"He's gonna get
the wrong idea."

Well, you're
the worst out of all them!

Ah! Ah... I don't...
I don't care about your caring

and kindness and fussing!

Fuck. [SIGHS]

I hate you.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Sir Guy.

What are you...
What are you doing here?

Yoga in the park.

Do you do yoga?

- No.
- Oh, you should try it.

It's really therapeutic.

- Yeah.
- I mean, off the record,

it's a bit of a chore,

but they say it's good
for your withering body.

I think I'm feeling
the benefits,

but maybe it's a placebo.

I don't know.

Oh, would you look at that.

[PROFOUND MUSIC PLAYING]

[OSWALD LAUGHING]

♪ I floated lonely down
the street one day... ♪

OSWALD: Oh, I almost forgot.

They did
the mock-up today. Right?

[KARAOKE PERFORMANCE
CONTINUES]

Latex isn't it? How'd it go?

You heard about that?

Yeah, Ingrid was
quite stressy about it.

- Did it come off?
- What?

Did it have
the desired effect?

- Well, it's still a...
- Work in progress. Right?

Gonna take a bit of refinement
to get it spot on.

That's what Murray said,
the makeup artist.

Did you know
he's half Northern Irish?

He said that's
the most complicated thing

he's ever worked on.

I can't wait
to see it in action.

Part of me wants to
wait till opening night

so I get hit
by the full effect of it,

but I still think
I'll swing by tomorrow.

Ingrid wants some
feedback on the new pages,

and it's always nice
to see the gang.

You don't work?

OSWALD: Frankly, I don't work.

I made some lucky investments
when I was at university

before running off
to Tangiers with my professor.

Right now I'm looking
for a place in the city,

which is why I thought
I'd sit down

and have a chat with you.

- So...
- SADIE: Look who it is.

Can I believe my eyes?

Oswald, you owe me dinner.

I'm so ashamed.

[CHUCKLES] Hi. I'm Sadie.

- Hey.
- SADIE: Hmm.

Oh, this is Guy.
He's a masterful actor.

Oh, no. I have
bad luck with actors.

We are working
on a play together.

You never stop, do you?

[CHUCKLES] Oswald is
one of my favorite people

in the world.

How about I call you,
say next week?

[CHUCKLES] I'll believe it
when I see it.

[SADIE WHISPERING
INDISTINCTLY]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Nice to meet you, Guy.

Watch out for this one.

- [KARAOKE PERFORMANCE ENDS]
- [CROWD APPLAUDING]

- Who was that?
- I mean, I know how it looks.

Just don't get any ideas.

EMCEE ON MIC:
Next up, we have Oswald.

- Cheer me on, good sir.
- EMCEE: Oswald.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

OSWALD: ♪ Sitting here

♪ In this chair

♪ Waiting on you

♪ Oh, baby to see things my way

♪ But not a word do you say

♪ You won't even look my way

♪ Girl, I'm spending my dimes

♪ Wasting my time

♪ Talking 'til
I'm black and blue

♪ Oh, can't you see

♪ I wanna get next to you

♪ Dreams of you
and I go sailing by

♪ Whenever your eyes
meet mine

♪ You're so fine

♪ And girl you make me feel
so insecure

♪ You're so beautiful and pure

♪ Why must you be unkind

♪ And tell me I'm not your kind

♪ Blowing my mind

♪ Girl my, my money
is low and I know

[LAUGHING]

♪ That I can't take you
to the fancy places

♪ You might wanna go ♪

EDWARD: I'm not Edward anymore?

Oh, no, you are,
just after his transformation.

What is he talking about?

INGRID: Well,
I've been thinking,

and to your credit, Guy,

you were right,
and Oswald, too.

The suicide was ludicrous.

This wasn't meant
to be a tragic love story.

Why can't they be happy?

And then Oswald
and I were talking about

Beauty and the Beast
and how he, in the end,

- becomes a beautiful prince.
- A prince?

OSWALD: And you are
that prince.

And you are the beast?

OSWALD: No, no,
I'm not the beast.

I'm Edward. This isn't
Beauty and the Beast.

That was just
by way of explaining.

[SCOFFS] Okay.

I don't understand
how he transforms.

How, how... [CHUCKLES]

- How is this possible?
- He doesn't transform.

Not literally.

OSWALD: She just sees
him differently.

EDWARD: Why?

You know how we idealize
people when we're in love?

So I'm the idealized version
of Oswald?

OSWALD: No, no.
Not me, of Edward.

Why can't it just be him?

Why does she have to idealize
him so he's somebody he isn't?

INGRID: Well, frankly, Guy,

to keep you in the play.

Look, this is hard for me,

but I really need Oswald
to be Edward,

and he refused
unless there was

a part for you,
because he loves you

and he didn't want it to be
like he was replacing you.

You should really be
thanking Oswald.

This is my decision.

I had to beg him to do it.
Look, it's not you Guy.

It's... It's the whole...
The mask, the makeup.

It's a total bust.
And Oswald, I mean...

Ingrid insisted.

And I have to admit,
this does feel like

a uniquely rare opportunity

for a role that I was
arguably born to play.

You're selling yourself short.
You could play Hamlet.

[CHUCKLES] She's such
a canny director,

flattering me like that.

Frankly, Guy,
we've been making

all these changes
and you've been having

a hard time,
memorizing your new lines.

I haven't. I just...

- It's a process.
- Whereas, Oswald,

has photographic memory.

I mean, sure I have
photographic memory,

technically,
but will that come in handy

- in this situation?
- You already know your lines.

I know my lines,
sure, but can I act?

- That is the question.
- You can. He can.

You've seen it.
We've all seen it.

Oswald's a natural.

If it's right, it's right.

You... You know the lines?

You, you've seen him act?

When... When did
all this happen?

When he's been giving
me feedback.

OSWALD: Guy, you're
a masterful actor,

which is why
this is so tragic.

I really don't know what
the ethical thing to do is.

The right thing to do is
for you to take the role,

and you still get
to play Edward, Guy,

just transformed.

And you don't have
to hide your face

behind that idiotic thing.

You, you get more recognition.

- For one scene.
- But what a scene.

- The finale.
- No one's gonna believe

that Edward looks like him

and then suddenly
he just looks like me.

- Magic!
- EDWARD: But she loves him

for who he is. If he changes,
then who is he then?

INGRID: Same person.
OSWALD: Same bloke, new face.

EDWARD: That's
a different person!

VIVIAN: It's
a metaphorical change.

Right out
of Beauty and the Beast.

She loves him,
therefore, voila,

he appears
more beautiful to her.

But he has to pretend
to be a beast

to prove her love.

He doesn't wanna be
loved for his looks.

No, she loves him
because he's a beast.

Or in spite
of his beastliness.

They're talking
about you like you're a beast.

We're talking about Edward.

Edward is not a beast.

Oh, no. Heavens, no.

But if we are gonna be using
Beauty and the Beast

as our
hypothetical comparison,

well, let's just all start
being honest

with ourselves, old friend.

[INGRID SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

VIVIAN: I'll put it
on my calendar.

- EDWARD: Hey.
- Okay, great, yeah.

- What?
- Let's go home.

- Let's have a drink.
- EDWARD: Mmm.

- Don't be mopey.
- I'm not thirsty.

Come or go. It's up to you.

Come on.

Come on. Come for one.

OSWALD: At first,
the thought terrified me,

having my face disseminated
to screens across the world,

that no matter what the hour,
people were seeing me,

were laughing at me,

were horrified by me.

And that even when I'm gone,

my image would remain
for others to despise.

But then, this idea
gave me some comfort.

That if it wasn't me
they were laughing at,

if I had not been known,

if I had not had
to face my tormentors,

they'd be laughing
at someone else,

someone different.

[FIONA CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

BELCHER: Hey, you were
in the show, weren't you?

I loved it. Congratulations.

- Hi. Ron Belcher.
- Thanks.

That guy's amazing, right?

I... I gotta be
honest with you,

I thought it was makeup.

I was saying to my wife...
It's actually our anniversary.

That's her over there.

I was saying to her,
"How'd they do that make-up?"

"Right? What is that?
Some kind of polymer, right?"

"Where'd they get
the budget for this?"

But she says to me,
"I think that's his face."

And I said,
"No, babe, you're nuts.

"That's gotta be
some sort of get-up."

Like the whole time
I'm watching the show,

I'm sitting there thinking,

"Is that real or is it
some kind of weird effect?"

I mean, I couldn't
believe it either way.

Man, I didn't know what
I even wanted it to be.

So what was it like, uh,
working with him?

I guess underneath
all that, right,

he's just a regular guy.

Wonder if the guy that
wrote the play,

knew him before he wrote it,

or if he just came up
with a character like that

on his own and just hoped
the right guy would

come along by chance.

Right? Seems risky to me.

Right? How do you go about
finding that guy, right?

Looks exactly
how you envision.

He can act too, right?

I mean, how do you
even describe him?

What if they wanna put
the show on in Boise?

Like to fly that guy out?
What if he's dead?

They have to find
the Idaho version of him.

I don't know,
would a mask work?

Is that gonna be convincing?

Would another guy
with some other affliction,

do just as well?

I don't know.
Maybe they just cast,

uh, you know, regular guy
like you, right?

Or me, right? The way they do
Shakespeare now

with Black people, right?

That puts a different kind
of spin on it.

So I'm thinking all this
stuff during the show, right?

I mean, to be honest with you,
three hours ago,

I'm saying to myself,
"Do I really wanna go

"and sit in
an un-air conditioned theater,

"for God knows how long,

"to see some little play
I've never heard of?"

But it's our anniversary.

And now I'm thinking
all this shit,

so that's how I know
it's an interesting play.

Whoa!

[CUP CLANKS ON TABLE]

- Goddammit.
- [COFFEE DRIPPING]

[SIGHS]

Bloody hell.

Bollocks. Bollocks.

Fuck.

Look, you said it yourself.

How can he become you?
You're nothing alike.

It's not believable,
and it's not necessary.

She loves him for who he is.

It was contrived.

I still think the idea
is theoretically sound.

Though,
what we didn't count on,

and this might just stem
from me being a novice,

is that the audience has
just spent two hours,

rooting for Edward.

Which, in this particular
iteration, is me.

If someone else
then walks out and goes,

"Oh, I'm Edward now,"

even if it's
Sir Kenneth Branagh,
or whomever,

the audience
will feel cheated.

We've broken
our pact with them.

They'll rightly rebel.

Look, I still wanna
be friends,

and I'll keep you in mind
for future projects.

The mask is mine.

I'm keeping it.

OSWALD: I've always liked
that mask.

Brilliant mask.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

OSWALD: You know what I think?

I think Les Mis is
a masterpiece.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Uh, The Book of Mormon is
hysterically funny.

- [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
- [INGRID CHUCKLES]

INGRID: What are you...
Do you have any plans for...

[BANGING]

Where's the blind guy?

What are you doing here?

- Why are you so upset?
- Why are you here?

Why was Oswald here?

How... How'd you...

What business is that
of yours?

I know because I know.

I was passing by and...

I don't have to explain
myself to you.

What do you know about him?
Hmm? Who is he?

Is his name even Oswald?

'Cause let me
tell you something,

he's got a kid and a girl.

He was kissing
this other girl,

and they were walking
in the park.

He's leading a double life.
What do you think of that?

Well, first of all,
that's Jolie,

Oswald's ex-wife and mother
to his daughter, Kelly.

And they're still
really good friends.

And as it happens,

Oswald is moving in there.

Mr. Sablosky had an accident,
and Oswald's been needing

a place to stay.
I don't even know why

I'm bothering
to explain this to you.

We don't have anything more
to say to each other.

I'm sorry.

[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[THUDDING]

What the fuck are you doing?

You gotta get
the fuck outta here, man.

[MIMICKING OSWALD] Oh, well,
I happen to be Edward now.

And this here is Guy.

Guy...

he's a masterful actor.

Thank you man! Yes.

Yes, you are...

Kenneth Branagh.

Come on. Come along, now.

Chop, chop.
Chop, chop, shake a leg.

Shake a leg.

What do you think?

[VOCALIZING] Hoo!

Is it smashing?

Or is it smashing?

Do you like
this room, little girl?

I know it's quite small
and petite like you.

It's a room where you
can do anything you want.

You know that right?

Do you know Peppa Pig? Hmm?

Aw, she's a little nervous.
She's shy.

[LAUGHING]

♪ Don't cry, don't sigh ♪

♪ There's a silver lining
In the sky ♪

[SIGHS] Naturally,
it's a bit disappointing,

but I really do hope
we can all remain friendly.

I harbor no ill feelings.

Let us keep our hatreds
for the common enemy.

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

Cheers!

Thank you.

- Can you...
- EDWARD: Much obliged!

- MARIANA: Okay.
- Jesus. Unplug it.

[EDWARD GRUNTS]

Righty then.

Fear, is a reaction.

Courage, is a decision.

I'll miss you
most all, darling.

- CLAY: What the fuck?
- Ta-ta, for now!

FIONA: Maybe we'll ride
to glory together.

OSWALD: Whatever you say,
my darling.

EDWARD: Excuse me, old chap.

I think you're
kissing my girl!

Ah, it appears my understudy,

has had a bit
too much to drink.

EDWARD: Understudy?
No, no, no, no.

Maybe we could talk
about this after the...

No, no, no. No, understudy.

- After the performance.
- EDWARD: I'm Edward!

OSWALD: You...
EDWARD: You're not Edward.

OSWALD: Okay, you're Edward.
EDWARD: No, no, no.

OSWALD: You're Edward.
EDWARD: This is my red door.

- This is my couch.
- OSWALD: You're Edward.

EDWARD: These are my lines!
Come here!

- You stole my life!
- [PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

EDWARD: Get off me!

- He's got everything!
- OSWALD: What the hell, Guy!

- EDWARD: No! I'm Edward!
- Calm down,

- and we can talk about this.
- EDWARD: I'm Edward.

Okay, okay.

Okay, let go! Let go!

I'm gonna leave.
I'm gonna leave.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

OSWALD: Everything's fine.
If you sit down, we can talk.

EDWARD: No!

- [GRUNTING]
- [PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

EDWARD: Take yours off!

- Take yours off!
- Take what off?

- Take yours off!
- Take what off?

- [EDWARD GRUNTING]
- [OBJECTS CLATTERING]

Get over here!

- [GRUNTING] Ahhh!
- [THUDS]

[GROANS]

[SET PIECE SQUEAKING]

OSWALD: Guy.

[CEILING CREAKING]

- [CEILING CLANKS]
- [EDWARD YELPS]

- [CROWD GASPING
AND SHOUTING]
- OSWALD: No!

- Oh my God. Guy!
- [INGRID GASPS]

Oh, no. What have I done?
What have I done?

- [CRASHING]
- [PEOPLE SHOUTING]

No! Guy! No, Guy!

[CRYING] What have I done?

I don't know my own strength.

Guy! Guy.

[PLATES CLATTERING]

ACTOR: I know
I keep saying it, man,

but it is such an honor.

OSWALD: Oh, truly,
the honor is all ours.

INGRID: We couldn't be
more excited.

ACTOR: I mean,
frankly, I think

- you should be playing it.
- OSWALD: Oh, no.

- I wouldn't dream of it.
- ACTOR: No, honestly, I think

you got something special.

Real charisma.

I mean, it takes a name

to get these things funded,
as you know.

But I want you to know,

it's important to me
to get it right.

And that's why I wanted
to spend some time with you,

and, you know, uh,

not study really,
but observe, ask questions.

Ah, research,

- as they say in the biz.
- ACTOR: Mmm-hmm.

OSWALD: Well, I think
it's important for you

to interpret this as you want.

ACTOR: Right.
OSWALD: I mean, Edward was

envisioned by Ingrid,
and what I was doing earlier,

Guy here completely pioneered.

ACTOR: Right on.
OSWALD: I'm interpreting Guy,

interpreting Ingrid.

And you're just
the next and final step

in the evolutionary process.

ACTOR: Yeah,
that's really cool.

I'd love to ask you
some questions, too.

Really cool. Kind of
a collaborative thing.

Will they be using some...
Some mask

- or makeup of some sort?
- Why?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Uh, I don't know.

It's beyond my pay grade.

I'm... I'm not really part
of those discussions.

They can do a lot
these days to make it
look real.

Pretty real.

But, you know,
I don't worry about that stuff.

I think as long as I do
my job getting Edward right,

it'll come through.

- The rest is just icing.
- OSWALD: Very true.

ACTOR: Cheers. Mmm.

INGRID: Cheers.
ACTOR: Hmm.

[PLAYING SAXOPHONE]

- [NICK AND OSWALD GRUNTING]
- [CROWD CHEERING ON VIDEO GAME]

[KELLY MUMBLING]

NICK: It's not working.

- [CHEERING CONTINUES]
- [BELL RINGING]

[NICK SIGHS AND EXHALES]

- OSWALD: Whoo!
- Fuck!

- Fuck.
- Number one.

NICK: That's
a cool typewriter.

OSWALD: You can have it.

MAN ON TV: I wish
I had a woman, too,

walking with me under the moon

and holding my arm
and smiling,

and then I dream and I forget.

And then I see the shadow
of my profile on the wall.

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

MAN: There you go. Step in.

Good man.

Other foot. Perfect.

All right. Nice and easy,
here we go.

One foot after the other.

- Perfect. Rock on.
- Gonna go shopping.

- Anyone need anything?
- Uh, no, thanks.

I'm heading out.
You guys need anything?

- I just asked.
- [OSWALD CHUCKLING]

Well, if something changes,
give me a call.

I'm gonna get out your hair.

- I'll walk you out.
- I'll be back around 8:00.

Toodle-oo.

[DOOR OPENS]

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- What the fuck is

going on in here?

What's going on with his face?

Fuck, I mean, is he rich
or something?

[CHUCKLES]

Like, what does she...

Is she...

[CHUCKLES] That's
the craziest shit I ever saw.

Forgot my headphones.
Sorry, sorry.

You guys carry right on.

No problem, boss.

You know, let's pause
for a second,

I gotta take a leak.

Keep going. Just put one foot
in front of the other.

♪ A day or two ago
I thought I'd take a ride

♪ And soon Miss Fanny Bright
was seated by my side

♪ The horse was lean
and lank... ♪

[TOILET FLUSHING]

[DOOR OPENS]

♪ And we, we got upsot

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is
to ride... ♪

Hey, man,
do you mind if I grab

one of these seltzers?

[MAN GROANS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[MAN COUGHS AND GAGS]

[CHOKING]

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride

♪ In a one-horse
open sleigh, hey

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells

♪ Jingle all the way

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

[COUGHING]

- [SONG ENDS]
- [MAN STOPS COUGHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I heard noises.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]

[INMATES CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

[BASKETBALL THUDDING
ON GROUND]

INMATE: Next shot, I got you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING
CONTINUES]

- [BALL THUDS]
- INMATE: Oh!

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

[CAR HONKING]

Hey man, nice shoes.

Where's Fort Lee, man?
New Jersey.

Where's your manners?

Man, you must have had
some ugly parents.

I hope you die of cancer,

and your ugly children
die of cancer.

And your whole
ugly bloodline of, uh,

ugly degenerates
wiped off the face

of God's beautiful earth.

Nice shoes, man.

Nice shoes.

OSWALD: Do I believe my eyes?

Yeah, we adopted Lucy, her...
Her daughter.

And, uh, it's crazy
to even say it.

She's in grad school now.

She is.

Oh, you have to come
and see the play, Guy.

- Don't pressure him.
- He wants to come.

- Right, Guy?
- Oh, yeah, of course.

When... When are
you free? Tonight?

- When... What time?
- 8:00 p.m., sharp.

- All right.
- You can sit with me.

- You're not in it?
- [CHUCKLES] No.

No, I'm no actor.
I mean, sure, Edward.

But that whole thing was...

What a piece of shit.
I don't even allow people

to perform that anymore.

OSWALD: No, no, no.
It was your precocious
early work,

and it brought us together,
so it served that noble cause.

INGRID: Thank God,
they didn't make that movie.

OSWALD: Oh, I was
so disappointed.

I really wanted to see
that guy try and play me.

But anyway, it's brilliant
we bumped into you,

'cause we're actually
moving away next month

when the play wraps.

Where? Where are you going?

To Canada.
A place called Shepperton.

Have you heard of it?

It could be described
as a nudist colony.

Yeah. It's only a part of it.
Small part of it.

But yeah,
basically we'll be...

OSWALD: As God intended.

Why?

Well, it's a long story.
We met this woman

- when we were...
- Going through the Andes.

Yeah. And it turns out
she's this incredible person

with followers and all that.

And it's kind of this
ecological philosophy.

Mmm-hmm.
And... And... And free love.

- Yes, but also it's...
- And LSD.

- Sometimes, yeah, but it's...
- Yep. Have you done LSD, Guy?

Wha... What about
like bad trips?

OSWALD: Yeah, it's possible.

But it's all really down
to how you frame it, Guy.

[CHUCKLES] I don't think
he could handle it.

Yeah. He just needs someone
to lead him through it is all.

- Which I can do.
- INGRID: Recently certified.

And what about your kids?

OSWALD: No.
INGRID: Yeah, no.

They say it's a cult.

OSWALD: Yeah. I mean,
you probably think

it's a cult, too, right?

EDWARD: Well, I...
I guess it sounds

- a little like a cult.
- I mean, yeah, sure,

if you paint it in
like broad brush strokes.

But it's... It's really
quite leaderless.

But what about this,
uh, Andes woman,

- isn't she like the leader?
- Founder.

Yes, she set it all in motion.

But it's... It's...

She's not a guru in the...
Well, she's sort of a guru.

Yes. She's a guru
in the pure sense.

Yeah, see we can't talk
about it without sounding...

Absolutely bonkers.

- EDWARD: Mmm.
- Yeah. But honestly,

It's... It's... It's paradise.

Actual paradise.

- Like utopia.
- Yeah, utopia.

- Closest thing to it.
- Yeah.

EDWARD: And what
about your career?

Well, I've accomplished
everything I've ever wanted...

I'm... I'm ready
for the next phase.

I mean, all she wants
to do now,

is take LSD
and fuck all the time.

- I mean, you know...
- [EDWARD CHUCKLES]

OSWALD: Enough about us,
what's going on with you?

- Tell us everything.
- Yeah.

Well, I mean. [EXHALES]
I don't know. Um...

Do we know
what we would like tonight?

[INGRID CLEARS THROAT]

What are you thinking, Edward?

Uh, you... You go ahead.
I'm... I'm still, um...

Okay. Well, we're celebrating,

so we're gonna need
some more sake.

Let's do another bottle
of the Dassai Hayata.

And for the table, the wakame,

the agedashi tofu,

and he needs
to try the uni toast.

And an order
of the hamachi kama, why not.

And for my entree,

let's go
with the wagyu flight.

INGRID: A miso black cod
for me, please. Thank you.

SERVER: And for you sir?

Um...

Uh...

SERVER: Do you need a minute?

- Yeah. I, uh...
- [OSWALD CHUCKLING]

Oh, my old friend.

You haven't changed a bit.

[OSWALD AND EDWARD LAUGHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC FADES OUT]