All language subtitles for What.We.Do.in.the.Shadows.S06E05.WEB

Nandor has disappeared.

Nandor?

No one has seen or heard
from him in weeks. Well,
not since Gizmo fired him.

Nandor?

Gave him the old
heave-ho from his janitor job.

The blade of the proverbial
guillotine has dropped,

and the blood of Nandor's
broken dreams has pooled
at Gizmo's oddly-shaped feet.

So, yeah, we've tried just about everything to find Nandor.
Set traps...

Nandor?

...checked the
vents, hung posters.

We have even yelled his name
very loudly into the wind.

Nandor!

- Shut the fuck up!
- Piss off!

You shut the fuck up.

That broody little
bitch is missing.

The dude is gone.

And we can't find
the fucker anywhere.

- Five dollars
seems like a lot.

Hey.

Ugh. I can't even
look at you. Ugh.

-Any update on Nandor?
-Not since you fired him.

- From the job he loved.
- What a coincidence.

You have a lot of guts
coming in here,
you little floating traitor.

Floating away with
your little bitch ways.

- Hello. Yes?
- Nandor has been located.

It's the Baron,
and he knows where Nandor is.

Don't tell him
about the reward money.

I thought we might have
a bite of lunch while we talk.

Let us see what we have here.
Some punch, some jellied blood
and, uh...

And, yes, the Sire
prepared the finger foods.

My compliments to the chef.

Again, like I mentioned
in my email, I don't eat blood,

so maybe just a
crescent roll or...

Sire?

Would you play
that tape of Nandor, please?

This was recorded by a vampire
monitoring the Ether.

Enemies abound.
And only I can defeat them.

I used to think ghouls were
just the spirits of the dead.

But now I know
they walk among the living too.

Oh, dear.

Up and down Wall Street,
with their suits and their ties

and their
build-your-own-salad bowls.

I watched a snail crawl across
the edge of one of those
things you use to shave.

-What's it called?
-Razor.

- Not a knife.
- He's thinking razor.

- What are those things called?
-Enough.

A sharpie?
No, that's not it--

Well, yikes.

Indeed.

Ugh. He used to be one of
the most promising vampires
in this New World.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

But now... ...he is
unrecognizable. Dangerous.

Dangerous, you say?

Yes. We are hearing reports of
increasingly erratic behavior.

- Mmm.
- Nandor is drawing attention.

Too much attention.

- And attention puts all vampires at risk.
- -Understood.

He must be stopped.

So, Nandor's here?

Yes, we traced Nandor's
dispatches to that location.

Go to New Hampshire.

Retrieve Nandor

and with haste.

♪ Don't sing if you
Want to live long ♪

♪ They have
No use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead,
You're dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and
Out of this world ♪

♪ You'll never get
A second chance ♪

♪ Plan all your
Moves in advance ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead
Stay dead, stay dead
And out of this world ♪

♪ Shadow's lost, baby ♪

♪ You're dead ♪

Okay,
so we made it to New Hampshire.

The dossier said
that Nandor is hiding here at
the Hancock and Sons Factory.

I mean, it was the factory
until you and your
Cannon Capital cronies

stripped it down for parts.

Actually, a leveraged buyout is
a pretty neat way for
a failing business

to reinvent
itself for the future--

- Shut up, Guillermo.
- Shut up, Gizmo.

Okay.

What the
hell happened here?

Stay close, my darling.

Hey, look, what if
the H, A and N were missing?

- Get it? Cock and Sons.
- No.

Oh.
Smells like slow death in here.

- Malaria.
- Nightmares.

Little dusty.

- My, my, my, my...
- -Nan-man, are-are you here?

Nan-man?

There is
no "Nan-man" here.

There is only
Nandor the Relentless.

Warrior.

Leader.

So, Na-Nandor, have you been
here the whole time
since you were, um--

Fired?

Yes, I have.

And, uh, why?

Vampire-only explanations.
That means not you, Guillermo.

Okay.

When one is burned,

one feels most at
home amongst the ashes,

which is why
I came here to the husk
of the Hancock and Sons factory

amongst others
that had been discarded
by Cannon Capital Strategies.

But what I found...

oh, what I found...

A bunch of preppy crap?

-"Preppy essentials."
-Hmm.

And no. I found soldiers.

Many of the humans
left when the jobs did.

Those that remained, they
needed... they craved a leader.

A warrior. A commander.
And they became my army.

And, uh, where is this army?

- In the field.
Awaiting our next strike.
- Huh.

Which reminds me, I have
a war council meeting now.

You may walk with
me, if you must.

Oh. Mind the shirt pins.
They're fucking everywhere.

So, Nandor,
this army you have raised.
What is the, uh, end game?

To conquer. To take the battle,
town by town,

from here to the very steps
of Cannon Capital itself.

Right. But, um, why?

So that Cannon
Capital will rue the day

they cast out
their greatest warrior.

Ah! We are here.

Good evening, comrades.

- Fuck my old boots.
- Good gravy.

- Uh. So this is
your war council?
- Yes.

- And who are these chaps?
- -My reserves.

- And what about them?
- My concubines.

- Shit.
- Huh.

Now, look,
I really need to get on with
my strategy session,

unless you have
any more questions?

- I do.
- No.

Are you okay?

What is he still doing here?

-Well, I drove...
-You are the enemy.

An errand boy sent
by greengrocers to spy on me.

-Leave.
-I'm not the enemy. Tell him.

- See ya later.
- Bugger off.

Okay. I will be out here.

Well, it looks like
you've had quite the exciting
time here, Nandor.

No one can deny that.

But what say we go home now
before you freak the fuck
out of anyone else?

This is my home.

The battlefield.

- Okay.
- Hmm.

What is that, Major Briggs?
A maneuver from the east?

Perhaps...

I think it's safe to assume
he's gone absolutely mad.

Yeah, I don't like using
this word, but he is crazy.

Oy! No. You do not get to
use that word, you tweed demon.

He's like this because of you.

-But, yes,
he is absolutely crazy.
-Yeah.

Well, we can't just
leave him here like this.

Unless...

Can we?

No, we cannot. He's
a danger to himself.

How about we sit
him down and say,

"Hey, you're nuts. Stop it.
Stop being nuts."

I see someone is well-versed
in psychology.

Well, let's just grab him
by the neck and yank him
out of this hell box.

We can't.
To extract Nandor by force would
be like waking a sleepwalker.

- So, what, then?
- -There is only one solution.

We role-play the scenario
that Nandor has concocted
in his mind.

In time, our presence will
shine a light on the holes
in his fantasy,

and he can follow
that light back to reality.

So Shutter Island
rules, so to speak.

"We are
the hollow men."

Uh. It's worth a shot.

All right.

Okay. I'm in.

Excellent.

-Fuck off.
-What?

You need to go now.

- Why?
-'Cause he believes you are the enemy.

-I'm not the enemy.
-What're you still doing here?

- Bye, bitch.
- Okay.

Bye-bye, bitch.

Keep walking, bitch.

Stop calling me bitch.

Sorry, bitch.

Nandor?

Bit busy.

Your army, we'd like to enlist.

- Sir.
- What?

If you wish to be in my army,

then you will all
address me as "sir."

-Okay, I'm out.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yes, sir.

Good. So, basic
training begins now.

Cannon
Capital nemeedooni.

Cannon Capital nemeedooni.

- You are clay.
- No.

Soft, weak, goopy.

- But I am here to mold you...
- Yes, sir!

- ...to make you strong, to shape you.
- -Whoo.

Cannon
Capital chalqoozeh.

Cannon Capital chalqoozeh.

I joined the Royal Navy
a few years ago,

for the sea, the sun
and mainly the sex.

But what I'm finding here
is just a lot of marching...

- That's it.
- ...push-ups
for no reason...

30,001, 30,002.

...and no one's
offered me anything
that looks like a medal.

What the fuck?
Shave your own head.

Okay. On your marks. Get set.
Crawl, worms.

That's it.

I did not realize being in
Nandor's fake army would involve

so much of doing
what Nandor says.

You call that crawling?

He's very lucky that
I have that rule
about not killing the demented.

Sure,
Nandor's military delusions
are a strange little brew.

A dash of memories
from his time in Al Quolanudar

and a sprinkle of war movies
he's seen over the years.

But heck if I don't wanna
take another sip.

Well, maggots.

You have trained
and trained well.

Especially you, Colin Robinson.

You are very violent.

Oorah, sir!

Alexa, please pause the music.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Alexa is my
director of internal comms.

Okay. So, on to
your assignments.

-Laszlo Cravensworth.
-Yeah.

-Intelligence.
-Obviously.

- Nadja of Antipaxos.
- Hmm.

-Signal corps.
-What is that?

Never mind. Who
gives a shit.

Colin Robinson.

-Come on, logistics.
Come on, logistics.
-Logistics.

Yes! Yes.

Now, listen up.
Tonight is a proud night.

Together we will take back
the honor, the power,

the respect that Cannon Capital
have so cruelly tried
to take away.

Okay. So
this is a pit of shit.

Can we not just
make Nandor think that
this stupid imaginary battle

has happened already?

- And how do we do that?
- I know. Shoot me.

It's not a real
gun, Colin Robinson.

It's a decorative firearm
from the outdoorsman section.

All right, then.
Whack me with it. Hard.

All right.

Oh.

- Again. Harder though.
- Really?

Yes.

Oh.

How is this going to help
with the Nandor thing?

What Nandor thing?

Hold on. I think I've got it.

I've thought of a way that
Nandor will think that
the war is won.

A ruse de guerre

that will make the Trojan Horse
look like a witless child's
papier-mâché.

Fuck, I'm good.

Now all I need is
the adequate supplies
from this shit-forsaken town.

Wait. You guys can leave,
but I don't want Nandor
to think I'm a deserter.

I ain't no deserter.

You live
a thousand years,

and you think you
know what betrayal is,

what horror is.

Awaiting
further orders, sir.

But then in a single instant,

you find out you haven't
the slightest idea

what man is truly capable of.

Oh, man. That
sounds rough out there, Nandor.

Listen, I've gotta move on to
the next caller, but did you
wanna request a song?

Yes, I would like to request
"Scarborough Fair"
by Simon & Garfunkel.

No. Let's
limit the public broadcast.

The brass back home are getting
a little squirrelly.

But to whom am I
supposed to orate?

Well, me, you big lummox.

All right.

Now, you were saying something
about the horror.

You know what, my darling?

It feels like an eternity
since we've had some time alone.

Oh. It does. It does. So
what is the plan, my dark lover?

Well, you'll see. You'll see.

I'll see?

Yes. What's the
problem, my darling?

I'm hearing a lot of this
"you'll see" these days.

I'm hearing "you'll see"
about the plan to fix
Nandor's melted brain.

I'm hearing "you'll see"
about the sex doll monster thing

that you're
creating in the basement.

Well, the sex doll monster
thing-- not a sex doll--
is part of the grand plan.

Which is?

Complex scientific experiments
that I don't think
you'll understand.

Oh, so you're calling me stupid.

Well, of course not.
That's a stupid thing to say.

-No. Whoa, whoa. No.
-Piss off.

Nadja, what I meant
to say was something

with the identical sentiment
that wouldn't piss you off.

- Well, it did!
- Shit.

In my empire, Colin Robinson,
we will be free.

Free from liars,

from the cowards who say you
are not a good culture fit.

Yeah, I dig that,
sir. I hear that.

Hey.

I thought I said this
person was not welcome here.

You sure did, sir.

Yeah, I know, but if I keep
charging my phone in the car,
it'll kill the battery,

so I'm just
looking for an outlet.

Don't mean to disrupt
your whole "war thing."

War thing? This is a war.
No winky fingers.

Okay, enough.

Private Robinson,
would you give us a moment?

You got it.

-Traitor.
-What did you say to me?

I'm sorry. I'm done
playing along with this fantasy.

I'm not the enemy,
and you know that.

You're just pissed.

You're pissed
that I'm killing it at Cannon.

You're pissed that... that you
weren't a good culture fit.

Lieutenant Alexa, tell
this piece of shit to leave.

Now playing
"Leave (Get Out)" by JoJo.

Wait for the chorus.

Well, I'm not the only one
kept in the dark

by their lover's
extracurricular activities.

So you admit you
keep me in the dark.

Well, no more
than you keep me in the dark.

I haven't got a fucking clue
what you get up to
at Cannon Capital.

Laszlo, there is
nothing to tell.

It is a job. You show up,
you pretend to do shit,
and then you go home.

Why the fuck would
you wanna do that?

Because it is
better than sitting at home
and twiddling with my tits

while you are downstairs
locked up in the basement
with your meat parts!

All right, all right.
All right, my darling.

I think I know what's going
on here. Give me your hand.

I need to apologize.

I'm listening.

Clearly, the reason for
you being so overemotional

is because it is
your time of the month.

The dead do not menstruate!

Fuck me.

Bloody hell, darling.

Oops.

♪ Get out right now ♪

♪ It's the end of you and me ♪

I can't believe
you're blowing this
one little setback

-so out of proportion.
-I was humiliated!

Do you even know
what loyalty is, Guillermo?

Do I
know what loyalty is?

Uh. Yeah, I was blindly loyal
to you for 15 years.

Until you got rid of me.

I never got rid of you.

I protected you

even through all the fuckups,
and the time you forgot
to buy glitter,

and the, "I wanna be a vampire.
No, actually, I don't want
to be a vampire."

The time you nearly killed
the Baron twice!

Through all that shit,

I was loyal.

I may have done a lot
of things, Guillermo,

but I never got rid of you.

Do you think I felt good firing
you? I didn't wanna fire you.

But that's how things are in
the real world, the human world.

I had to do it.

I used to be a human before
I was a vampire,
in case you forgot.

I never betrayed my friends,
my comrades in arms. Never.

Maybe some of the wives,
but you know,
it was a different time.

I'm sorry. I didn't...
I didn't know that the janitor
job was so important to you.

Well, it was. It was my purpose.

My purpose used to be raising
you to become a great vampire.

Until you pussed out and
found a new master in Jordan.

Jordan is not my master...

...and he doesn't own me.
And I'm not there at his--

Hi, Jordan. Yeah, I can talk.

No, I'm not busy.

- Uh. That should be
in your inbox.

I could actually bump it.
The bump master.

Yeah.

-Fireworks.
-What?

You were angry at me
for not telling you
what we're out here looking for.

It's fireworks.

And I didn't tell
you because, again,

I wanted to be the hero that
swoops down and saves the day.

Laszlo, I do not
need you to always be the hero.

My darling, you are the
funniest, most clever, sweetest

and most beautiful
woman in the world.

Not just Staten
Island, the world.

And I'm not even mentioning
the ten out of ten pussy.
You deserve the best.

That is so sweet.

Hmm.

-Laszlo.
-Yeah?

I think I may have
found your fireworks.

Really? Where?

There, in this shop
just here across the street

with the rows and rows
of fireworks in the window

and the sign that says,
"Fireworks, fireworks."

Well, that's perfect.

How did I miss that, my darling?

- I don't know.
- Right.

You just let your husband
take care of this. Stand back.

No wonder no one
buys newspapers anymore.

- Toss it again.
- Okay.

Open!

-Shall we?
-Yes.

Uh-huh.

Okay. Well, I'll just cc Lisa.
You got it. Bye.

I, too, was once cc'd.

You know,
I do know what it feels like
to lose your purpose.

I used to wanna
be a vampire so bad

it guided every choice I made.

I mean, don't get me wrong.
I'm happy I'm a human again,
but it was hard.

It was hard waking up every day
with that not being the goal,
to be a vampire.

Well, I am already a vampire,
so that only sort of applies.

Right. Well, the point is,
I think I found a new purpose.

You will too, somewhere.

But maybe right now our purposes

are taking us in
different directions,

and that's okay.

Perhaps you are
right, Guillermo.

I am a warrior,
but maybe this is not my fight.

You don't just
talk to Nandor, man.

You know, you listen, you dig.

-I'm a little man.
Just a little man.
-Yes, I know you are.

-But he's a great man.
-Nandor, we have news
from the front line.

Guess what?
Your troops have executed
your battle plan perfectly.

The enemy have been lured
into a trap. There are
casualties. We expect more.

You know, we can all stand down,
because he's decided
to come home.

- What?
- What?

- He what?
- -What is the fucking point?

Yes, I, um...
After careful consideration,
I've come to the realization

that perhaps I was looking for
battles where none need exist.

- You don't say?
- -I think it's best for everyone

if I just come home.

Plus, you know,
I miss my coffin.
I miss my favorite sword.

There's nothing like...

Oh. What the fuck is that?

-Oh. No, it's not.
-It's an attack.
We're under attack.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes!

- Nandor.
- -Laszlo, we were done with this.

- Fuck.
- Wait. Nandor, wait.

Wait, Nandor.

- Lay low.
They may try to flank us.
- Hit the deck!

No, Nandor, it's a bloody ruse.

It's not
real, you idiot.

Make it
stop. I can't take it.

Somebody help me frag myself.

Get a
hold of yourself, man.

The fighting seems to be
situated by the Shipley
Dollar Barn on Piedmont Street.

It's no good, my darling.
He's still too bloody crackers.

Well, isn't it a good thing then
that I have a plan B?

Ah. Silver chains.

-Get out of that. Stand back.
-Hey! Release me. Mutiny!

Get in there. You
brought it on yourself, Nandor.

Nice work, my darling.

Shotgun.

- Okay, guys,
I forgive you.

It was the heat of battle,
and you panicked
and you made a mutiny.

- Shush.
- Untie me.

- It's the coppers.
- It is. Shit.

- Great.
- Floor it.

No. I don't wanna make
a bad situation worse.

What's your problem?
Put your foot down, you prick.

Okay, I'm just gonna pull over.

-Useless.
-I wasn't even speeding.

Just everyone be cool,
and I'll do all the talking.

Gizmo, there's a fucking vampire
hog-tied in the trunk.

- Hello.
- Oh, yeah.

Hello, Mr. Officer.

What seems to be the problem,

apart from the fact that
my large wet bosom
won't stop sloshing around?

You, uh, got
a left taillight out there, son.

Yeah, I've been
meaning to get that fixed.
Sorry about that, Officer.

It's all right.
I'll take care of this.

I say, Officer,

you know,
you remind me of a cross
between a young Paul Newman

and a man I'm about to fuck.

-Get out of the car. All of you.
-Yeah. Absolutely.

-Hands are going over...
-Colin, you need to wake up.

- ...my head.
- We gotta get out.

What are you doing?

We are regular human travelers.
There is nothing
out of the ordinary here.

So you have nothing
to be concerned about.

What the...

Whoa.
What the fuck is that?

- Who are they?
- Uh...

Well, that's nothing out
of the ordinary, regular human.

What do you mean?
They're coming straight for us.

What is happening?

- Gizmo,
you talk to them.
- What? Wh... No.

-Go handcuff yourself to a tree.
-Yes, ma'am.

Wait, so Nandor's
army is... It's real?

Wait. So
he wasn't crazy?

He is not. He--

- Shit. He'll...
- Unchain me.

-Unchain me!
-Sir, yes, sir!

Just grab it
with both hands and yank it.

Watch the hair.

- There you go.
- Yes. That's it.

Well, yeah.
Of course the mannequins were just for practice.

Wait, all this time you thought
my army was just a bunch
of mannequins?

The fuck?

-At ease.
-Yes, sir.

Are they hypnotized?

No, I'm just a really
fucking good general.

Yeah, you are.

- Sir.
- Major Briggs.

- You're leaving?
- Yes.

I am leaving the
field of operations.

My fate is calling me
in a different direction.

What?

South on the I-93
towards the Verrazano Bridge.

We may even cut through Jersey
if there is traffic.

General,
what do we do now?

Good question, O'Hara. You
will do what you must always do.

You will go forth and
follow your purpose.

What is your purpose?

Fuck if I know.

Be it continuing the
fight or, you know,

finding new jobs.

- Where?
- Somewhere.

Any more questions?

Is there anything,
like, more specific? Like
an actual thing we could do?

Um.

- Burn down a Walmart or some shit?
- -Yeah!

- No. No, don't do that. No.
- Ooh. Ooh. I've got it.

What is that nearby college
that sends most of its
graduates to Wall Street?

-Dartmouth?
-Yes. Dartmouth.

Cry havoc and unleash
the dogs of war on those nerds!

Yeah!

You heard the man.

- Mount up. We ride for Hanover!
- Ride for Hanover!

This is insane.

Get those nerds. Get those
nerds. Get those nerds.

Wait for me.

-You're gonna need
logistics support.
-Not you, Colin Robinson.

- Oorah!
Oorah, you idiots.
- Shit.

Come on! Let me...

Shit.

Still got it.

Go get him and put
him in the trunk.

♪ Don't sing if you
Want to live long ♪

♪ They have
No use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead,
You're dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and
Out of this world ♪

♪ You'll never get
A second chance ♪

♪ Plan all your
Moves in advance ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay
dead, stay dead ♪

♪ Stay dead and
Out of this world ♪

♪ Shadow's lost, baby ♪

♪ What a rush, baby ♪

♪ You're dead ♪

♪ You're dead ♪