Original subtitles

Please, please make it stop!

No more biting nipple hamsters! I beg you!

I'm sorry I made my family watch movies with the subtitles on!

I repent! I repent!

I'll take it from here.

Hello, Doug.

I am Beelzebub.

If you thought this was painful,

wait until the dark Mephistopheles tortures you with...

cringey dad jokes!

Okay, where did Gargle the Defiler keep his armies?

Uh...

In his sleevies!

Beelzebub, the board of directors wants to see you now.

Boy, am I glad your father isn't here to see this.

He was the greatest Satan ever. The man who designed the Trader Joe's parking lot.

Meanwhile, we're getting reports that you're torturing humans

with laggy internet, Baby Shark, and horseradish-flavored Pepsi?

Horseradish-flavored Diet Pepsi.

And now, we hear you're doing Segway tours.

You've added waterfront dining to the River Styx.

Look, we're sending you up to Earth.

Heaven recently sent God there in a cat's body,

and we think that's a pretty good idea we could steal as our own.

Go up and work on your evil game.

My evil game doesn't need work.

Okay, bon voyage, Your Excellency.

Oh!

Long story short, I've come to make your life here hell on earth!

Mw-ha-ha-ha-ha...

Yeah, is Hell even that bad?

I heard it got way better once you guys added that Fast Pass.

I had to. The lines were insane. I did make signing up annoying, though.

There's a whole email confirmation step and... Hey!

As Lord Satan, I command you to open this enchanted robot wall!

Open the door! Open it!

Marv, Mr. Bulkington wants to see you in his office right away.

Marv, some people might look down there

and just see folks shopping,

but what I see is 640 ounces of canola oil finding a new home.

Y... Yes, sir. Very oily, sir.

Marv, I called you in because the world's biggest tartar sauce company

approached us to do a promotion.

As it happens, our town of Horkville is where...

Tartar sauce was invented in 1904,

when a mayonnaise wench was crushed under a pickle wagon.

Hey, I... I have a great idea. Let's do a reenactment here in the store.

You sure? That's a lot to take on, isn't it?

Sir, I've done reenactments my whole life.

I've done Civil War, Korean War, the War on Drugs.

I played a methadone suppository.

Okay, Higgins. If you pull this off, it could mean a promotion.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go shoot paintballs at the new bag boy.

Made eye contact with me in the parking lot. I won't have it.

Must you do that, Mother?

Between the chains and the groaning, you sound like a ghost with hemorrhoids.

Hey, anyone seen my catnip-infused teddy bear?

I need a new afternoon activity,

and I'm bored of leaving dead seagulls in your hampers.

What up, Mom? Hey, could you give Aidan and me a ride to Big Bulk?

We're going to do the Non-Toxic Challenge.

It's when you see how much non-toxic cleaning product

you can drink before you actually get sick.

Okay, no more TikTok hashtag whatevers.

You should be doing something useful, like exercising with me.

Yeah, no, I'm not taking you to Big Bulk.

I can't believe you would embarrass me in front of Aidan like that, Mom.

Do you have any idea how Internet-famous he is?

He's "Kid Who Ate a Sack of Nickels."

You guys, my boss asked me to organize a re-enactment at work

about the creation of tartar sauce.

Wow. I haven't seen you this excited since our wedding night.

I took him to Star Wars on Ice.

Oh yes, I recall that tartar flood.

I familiarized myself with it when I made a diorama

on corporate negligence for personal amusement.

This is why you spent prom night alone at the Bug Museum.

The tartar company cut safety protocols to save money.

A vat came loose and unleashed a river of tartar, drowning 23.

Perhaps I could help. A true father-daughter activity.

Ah. That's what my dad used to call it when he made me play catch.

You dare tip over my food bowl.

Who, me? Beelzebub, Lady Of Darkness, whose mission on Earth is to torture you?

Mw-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I mean, "torture" is a strong word.

Let's face it, you're bad at your job.

That's why they sent you here.

Ah-oh. They made a mistake sending me here. I am evil.

Why do you think I stole all the jewels from your sandy treasure chest?

"Sandy treasure chest"?

Wait, do you still not know what a litter box is?

Enough! You don't think I'm evil? Well, take a look at your friend.

Teddy McYummyBelly? No!

Oh!

That is it. It's go time!

This is the big fight.

Good versus evil.

Foolish, pot-bellied cat God,

evil always wins.

No.

Whoa.

Look at those dumb cats.

I've got to put this on my livestream.

Wow! He went off like chili in the microwave, didn't he?

And so, in summation, I'm sorry. Yes, I'm here on Earth to become evil,

but I didn't intend to incinerate children using magical fireballs.

Well, maybe children who cry on airplanes, but no other children.

Look. We all wanna murder Aidan,

but there's a stupid law that says we can't.

So, go up to Heaven and bring him back.

You think we'd let that walking vape pen into Heaven?

He's like an onion ring that learned how to cuss.

Wait, Aidan is in... Hell?

Teenagers don't go to Hell. They go to heck. It's like juvie.

If you behave, you get reincarnated into a butterfly or whatever.

If not, you go to Hell.

Demons barbecue your nuts,

eat your boobs, do Borat impressions, all that.

Well, we've got to get him back!

I actually shouldn't be telling you this,

but there is a way you can sneak down and bring him back.

Either I can enchant a porta-potty

that's been marinating in the sun for two days,

or you can walk in through an Imagine Dragons concert.

You'll be fine. Oh, and don't forget to get out of there in under two hours,

or you'll be stuck there forever. Okay, bye.

Wait, I forgot. I'm gonna need a can opener

because I'm about to open a whoop can of ass.

I hope you like unbearably long stretches of excruciating pain.

Ha! Are you kidding me? I'm the one who invented open mic nights.

Let's do this.

- Armageddon! - Armageddon!

Wait, doesn't like the sky rain blood,

or the Earth opens up or something?

What's it say in that book you wrote?

Um...

Oh stop! I knew it. You didn't write a word of that book.

I sat in on the blue sky session with the writers,

and I came up with the title "The Holly Bibble."

Hmm.

If this is the actual big-time Armageddon,

aren't we gonna need like a plague of locusts?

Where do we get those?

Now, Kendra, remember: you love your husband, but not romantically.

He's a decent man, but your true soulmate is your cousin.

Hey, Roy. We're better than single ply.

We're in the theater business now. I got to have that quad ply.

Greta, I think I'm really getting the hang of this director thing.

I just screamed at my assistant for like no reason.

Wow. So how are you going to depict the deadly tartar flood?

I saw some frozen turkeys in aisle two that you can dress up as drowned corpses.

People don't want to see all that.

You can't just skip over the fact that people died.

That'd be like directing Titanic but cutting out the guy

who bounced off the smokestack. Corporate greed cannot dictate history.

Corporate greed? Ha. Sounds like Big Bulk.

Old Percy here got his arm caught in the trash compactor,

and they wouldn't even pay for a proper prosthetic.

Yeah, and, you know, the employee restroom is just a bucket out back.

I never get lunch breaks, and our dental plan is just a shoebox

full of loose teeth they found in the parking lot.

- Not fair. I'm trying to keep my job. - This is ridiculous.

- I got no benefits. - I need sustenance.

Are you all familiar with the term "collective bargaining"? No?

Have you ever seen a lion being devoured by hyenas? Same principle.

But, Greta, we were supposed to...

Marv, I have the new script pages

for the love scene between the pickle and the mayonnaise.

Agh!

I said NC-17, damn it. This is barely R!

Whoa. We're in Hell. Uh, Heck, I guess.

What is Hell for a teenager?

TJ Maxx on a Saturday?

The crotch looks loose. Is the crotch loose?

No!

Oh. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Come on. Aidan is probably a few levels in by now.

Agh! I don't know why you hang out with that kid anyway.

Um, because his life is dope,

and his folks don't diss everything he likes.

They leave him home alone for weeks at a time.

Yesterday, I got to pet a deer that wandered through the living room.

A wooden plaque with two mice doing house chores?

Ooh. Sold!

Unauthorized adult! Unauthorized adult!

Unauthorized adult! Unauthorized adult!

Unauthorized adult! Unauthorized adult!

Okay, where would Armageddon be?

I guess I'll just start at the end.

So the label on the locusts says they're all freeze-dried.

We can toss 'em in the air fryer to wake 'em up.

Armageddon, pages 1113 through 1272? Oof.

Hey, look!

This will be a time saver.

Welcome to the second level of Heck,

where you'll be doing the Presidential Fitness Challenge.

First, you're gonna climb, then you're gonna pull...

...then you're gonna run against roided-out cheetahs.

Look, there's the exit. Let's go.

Then I want 50 push-ups,

or I make you all wear short shorts that haven't been washed since the '90s!

Quick, sit-ups.

Okay. When the coach moves, make a break for that exit.

Travis, your form. Ugh.

This is what you always wanted, right?

Me being forced to do something miserable and sweaty with you.

Like when you signed us up for "Mommy and Me Krav Maga."

Sorry for wanting to spend quality time with my child

while giving him the gift of improved core strength.

You know, when I was 14, I was already Regional Sit-Up Champion.

Oh, your mom must have been so proud.

I'm sure she hung it up next to your Cross-Fitted Lumber Squats trophy.

Pfft! Ah! Wrong. My mother never hung up any of my awards.

In fact, she didn't approve of anything I liked.

That's why I left home to join the Navy.

Really, that's why we don't...

That's why we don't speak anymore.

Please, no more. Make it stop!

That's him! Let's go.

Please, I don't need a tea cozy. I don't even drink tea.

Oh, dear God, I hate arts and crafts.

I remember when hamburgers cost a nickel.

Oh yes. A hammy fiver. Richard used to love those.

This was before the war, of course.

Please stop.

Nobody knows who Richard is.

What war?

How many megapixels do I need if I wanna call my grandson?

I have some AOL floppies in my purse.

Wait, wait. Wait, there it goes. I'm getting his voicemail.

Hello? Philip? It's me, Nana.

Dot com. How are the kids?

I saw this documentary the other day about processed corn.

Nobody wants that kind of voice mail!

We've got to help him.

I have an idea.

Werther's Originals!

Your favorite! Go get 'em.

All these years, I wondered what the fifth element was.

Turns out, it's love.

Who is this Bruce Willis?

Is he some God I don't know?

I've never seen him at any of the meetups.

Yo, Marv. Where's that sample stand with the mini crab cakes?

Not now. I'm trying to bond with Greta,

but she convinced my employees to strike and...

Uh-huh. Yeah. Kids say the darndest things.

Anyhow, where can a cat get some crab cakes

before he starts the Look Who's Talking trilogy?

Hey, when I was looking for locusts,

I grabbed this. It was the last one on the shelf.

A new Teddy McYummyBelly?

Mmm. That's a nice strain of nip.

Sweet, piney, with just a hint of raccoon scat.

This has been nice. I can't remember the last time I watched a movie.

My schedule is just blah.

Ugh! Same. Between the emails and the Zoom calls.

Like, hey, where's the calendar invite for living my life?

Totally. Thank you.

Actually, after I finish working on my evil game,

I figured I'd take a few days for myself up here.

Hey. Any recommendations for a demon?

Oh, you would love Florida.

When I was shaping the continents, I thought it'd be funny

to make America look like it had a flaccid penis.

Then I filled it base to tip with human garbage.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

What did you do that for?

I just figured it'd screw over that Marv guy.

Be evil. You get it.

Also, destroying things while in cat form? Super satisfying.

Whoa!

I'm trying to help Marv and the family, and...

Wait a minute. I just remembered I hate you.

Oh yeah! I hate you too.

Okay, Armageddon is back on, and there's a stage right here

so everyone can watch me Marie Kondo your organs!

One hour.

Fine!

Oh, oh. Oh, Linda!

Oh, Keith!

Mom?

Oh, Stepdad Keith?

Oh God! So much body hair!

And none of it in the places I want!

Now playing Abbie Higgins' most listened to song on Spotify.

♪ Wake me up! Wake me up inside... ♪

- The hallways are just getting longer. - Stop. Hold on.

When I did the #selfhelpchallenge,

I had to learn to face my demons using nonlinear thinking.

We can't keep running from them.

Okay. We're almost out of...

Agh!

What... What are they?

My worst enemies.

They are trolls.

It's the "horky-porky" kid.

He went viral for dancing the hokey-pokey.

♪ You put your right foot in You put your left foot out ♪

Hey, he was like four years old. He hadn't even learned to wipe yet.

No, Mom, don't. You can't use logic with trolls.

They'll just multiply.

Just ignore the idiotic things they say, no matter how hard it is.

- You'll never go viral for anything else. - Pineapple on pizza's delicious.

Avatar rocked.

Ben Affleck is the best Batman!

Please, react. Please!

If you don't react, we don't exist!

No!

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Imagine Dragons!

Daytime manager Higgins,

I've been sent here by your labor force with a list of their demands.

Bathroom breaks?

Name tags?

Look, if people cared what our names were, we wouldn't be working at Big Bulk.

We'd be working somewhere fancy, like Kmart.

Very well. Workers, we strike!

Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

- Strike! - Well, the show must go on.

Suit-ius Carne Asad-ius!

Time to meat your maker.

All-day comfort and protection!

Sorry. I didn't have a line prepared.

I just read the first thing I saw on the tampon box.

Armageddon!

Ya, ha, ha.

That's my bad hamstring, the one I pulled in that three-way.

Oh the pain!

My arm! It was USDA prime.

Possibly Wagyu.

Now it's time for you to Die Hard with a Vengeance.

I can't do it.

'Tis not the way of Lord Willis.

Help! I can't swim!

Yippee-ki-yay, mother...

Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

Strike! Strike! Strike!

Look out!

Ha!

Father!

The absorption coefficient. How did you know?

Like I said, we got to have that quad ply.

Yeah, it... It was earlier. You... You weren't there.

You saved my life.

Yeah. It's no big deal. I just...

- Teddy! Hold on! I'm coming for... - No! Godcat, it's too dangerous!

No!

This is your fault.

Back off or next time, you'll be served here as a free sample.

Wait, you're saying I was so evil today

I made your life a living hell?

It's working!

Earth is making me horrible!

Hey, buddy. I'm sorry I didn't drive you here when you asked.

Look, my mom never cared about the things I was into,

but I wanna be involved in your life. Otherwise, you might become like Aidan.

Not a chance. You have no idea how much shampoo I've seen him drink.

Suck it!

Greta, listen.

I'm sorry I didn't walk the picket line with you.

I got too caught up in trying to make you think I was cool.

Father, I think you're cooler than absolute zero.

Hey, my dad used to call me absolute zero too.

Mmm.

It... It was mean when... when he said it.

I know.

Hey, everybody gather 'round.

Look what I got for you.

Name tags!

Ooh.

It has my name. My name!

Stupid devil, can't even swim.

How does she expect to run Hell? If I...

I'm never letting you go.