All language subtitles for Everybody.Hates.Chris.S02E11.WEBRip.x265-ION265.en

CHRIS ROCK:
Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the one
thing my mother always said

was that we better not
bring home any babies.

In fact, my mother
was so paranoid,

she didn't like
anything in the house

that even reminded her
of a baby.

Boy!

Is that a baby?

No, it's a football.

(Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach"
playing)

Is that a baby?

No, it's a shoebox.

Oh.

Is that a baby?

No. It's baby carrots.

I was so scared
of bringing home babies,

to this day my mother
has never seen my kids.

Can anyone tell me
what I'm holding?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Chris?

An egg?

No, Chris.

For the next week,
this is not an egg.

These will be your children.

Each and every one of you
will be paired

with a member
of the opposite gender,

and the two of you will be
the proud parents

of a brand new
baby boy or girl.

Make my baby sunny-side up.

You'll have to care
for the child,

and at the end of the week,

you'll give a report
on your experience as parents.

When you say
"care for the egg..."

Uh-- you mean the baby.

The baby. How do you mean?

You have to treat your egg
like it's a real baby.

They were a lot more
advanced on this subject

in my old school.

So the assignment
is to treat your egg

like it's a real baby.

Do we have
to do this?

You have to name it,
feed it,

watch it at all times,
and plan its future.

What if we break it?

This is worth 25% of your grade,

so if you crack, break,
lose or eat your baby,

it's an automatic F.

Okay, but if our egg
misbehaves, can we beat it?

What's CJH?

Is that my egg's initials?

No, that's my
Corleone Junior High stamp,

so I'll know
you don't switch eggs.

Now, look inside your
baskets and you'll see

see the name of your
partner for the week.

Chris, we have an uneven number
of boys and girls,

so I thought I'd make you
a single father.

I know it's something
you can relate to

with your childhood and all.

I have a father.

Oh, I know, Chris.

If only your mom knew his name.

Just so you

embrace this project
to the fullest,

I brought something
special for you.

If it's my baby's mama, I
hope she doesn't have feathers,

A brown egg?

They're all the same...
on the inside.

Except my egg's gonna get
pulled over by the police more.

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CHRIS:
Instead of caring
about my egg,

I was cooking up a scheme.

I think I'm
gonna boil it.

That way it won't break.

You'd boil your child?

Man, you're taking this
way too seriously.

I think this
project is great.

It's just like life.

I've been taking care of my
brother and sister for years.

So what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna take this thing home.

I'm gonna put it
in the refrigerator,

and then when
Friday comes,

all I have to do
is tell the class

the same thing I've been doing
for the past 13 years.

Which is, "Get a job!"

Chris, your egg!

(gasps)

Am I going to have to call

Child Protective
Services on you?

At least I didn't dangle

my egg over a balcony

like Michael Jackson.

Are you
ready?
Yeah.

I am so in there.

What are you watching?

Just a movie.

Every kid has
fears growing up.

Drew used to be
scared of spiders.

I used to be scared of the
opening credits to Perry Mason.

Tonya used to
be scared of clowns.

But that all changed when
she saw this-- The Wolfman.

(screams)

It's just a werewolf.

No! No, no, no!

It might just be a werewolf,

but to Drew it was
also an opportunity.

This can't be right.

That's what he said
when I was born.

What's wrong?

Have you been
using more power?

This electric bill
is $25.83 more than usual.

How am I supposed to know
how much power I'm using?

Well, you take the amount of
time you use an appliance

and divide the required
wattage to power it

by the current cost
of kilowatt hours.

Am I supposed to do that before
or after I file for divorce?

Kilowatts.

My mom thought "kilowatts"
was a riot in the '60s.

(sighs)

Ah. There are the eggs.

See? That's what's
running the bill up.

You just used 11 cents'
worth of electricity.

Why can't you
figure out what's

in the refrigerator
before you open it?

Because I can't
see through the door.

Pass me a fork, please.

Thank you.

Oh... a brown egg.

Stop!
Ah! What?

That egg is my
school project.

What are you talking about?

The egg is my baby.

I'm supposed to take
care of it for a week

and then give a report on what
it's like to be a father.

So what's it doing
in my refrigerator?

Just chillin'.

You're not funny.

I'm just gonna leave it in there
until it was time

to turn it in
and give the report.

I already know
what I'm gonna say.

It's an easy "A."

An easy "A"?

So you think that taking
care of a baby is easy?

No, but it's not a baby.

It's an egg.

But your assignment is to take
care of this egg

as if it were a baby.

Do you think I left you
in the refrigerator

whenever I had
something else to do?

Is it bad?

Not if you got
a thousand dollars.

Ain't that right, baby?

(whistle blowing)

Break time, baby.

Break time.

You are gonna do
this assignment,

and you're gonna
do it right.

Damn!

I have an announcement
to make.

We have a new addition
to the family.

What?
You having a baby?

He ain't sleeping in my room.

I'm not
having a baby.

Chris did.

I thought you said
if we bring home a baby,

you'd slap
the Similac out of us.

It's not a real baby;
it's an egg.

It's Chris's new school project.

Oh, cool.
So what's the baby's name?

I didn't really name it.

Can we call him
Junebug?

Junebug?

What kind of name is Junebug?

It's better than what
I was thinking of--

The Incredible Edible Baby.

I'm going to show you
just how hard it is
to raise a baby,

and if any of
y'all catch Chris

mistreating this child,
you better let me know,

'cause if you do, you're gonna
get a lot worse than an F.

Now let's eat.

Where you going?

I'm gonna go get
ready to eat.

Uh-uh,
no you're not.

Don't you hear
that baby crying?

You feed him first,
and then you eat.

Now get that screaming
child out of here.

If this happened now, I'd try
to get Madonna to adopt my egg.

Since the baby I brought home
was just an egg,

my mother decided to make sure
I got the full baby experience

so I didn't
bring home a real one.

Chris, wake up.
The baby's crying.

What's wrong?

You got to change
his diaper.

Chris, wake up.
The baby's crying.

What's wrong?
He's hungry.

Chris?
Huh?

The baby's crying.

Is it hungry?
No.

Is it wet?

No.
What's wrong with it?

He's got gas.

(grunts)

While I was trying
to raise my baby,

my father was trying
to lower the electric bill.

I was watching that.

I've seen it;
Rosebud's his sled.

(Michael Jackson's
"Billy Jean" playing)

I was listening to that.

I've heard it;
the baby's not his.

Got that right.

That's too low.

That's gonna take
all night to cook.

You can eat in the morning.

Combine breakfast and dinner.

Call it... brinner.

You have officially
lost your mind.

What's that?

A picture-- now you
can figure out

what you want and where it is
before you open the fridge.

Well, what about
if I take something out?

Then you just cross the item
off the picture.

I put Junebug in a paper bag,

because the only way I was
going to be seen with an egg

was if it was with
a side of bacon.

Hey!

Little dude
from across the street.

Let me hold your bag.

No, man, you don't want this.

It's just an egg.

It's for a class project.

I'm supposed to act like
it's my baby.

Oh, yeah? That's very inventive.

I'm only good at acting
like it's not my baby.

That year he won the Oscar
for Best Non-Supporting Father.

Listen, if you ever have any
problems with child support,

come talk to me.

I can help you
save some money.

It seemed like everyone
had advice for raising a baby.

You need to teach this boy
how to protect himself.

Now, I suggest the Brazilian
two-finger neck snap!

Want me to show you
how it works?

Teach the baby to honor
the mother and the father,

and if the father
should meet a tragic death,

the baby shouldn't be upset

if the mother makes friends
with a nice man.

WOMAN:
Omar, I need more bubbles!

Got to go.

Teach this baby the difference

between the knockoffs
and the real thing.

For instance, "Gucci"
does not have an "H" in it.

While I was trying to keep
Junebug on the right track,

Greg had become
a runaway train.

Dang, Junebug is
driving me crazy.

I just can't wait
till this thing is over.

You think you've got problems.

Me and Jennifer don't
agree on a thing.

She thinks Chip
should go to Yale.

I think he's a Harvard man.

And I think you're
a crazy man.

And you're thinking
about colleges?

I'm just trying
to figure out

how to get
a full night's sleep.

You built a crib?

Yeah, and I called
you last night.

Yeah, like 50 times.

Greg, you're taking this
way too seriously.

It's just 'cause I didn't
want him to go to Yale.

And I don't care

how many cribs you build,
he's not going to Harvard.

What?
Nothing.

Chris.

(sighs)

While my mother decided
to give me a break,

my father was making
a break in his case.

(screams)

Hey, hey, hey,
what's the matter?

You turned the lights off.

Why are you sleeping
with the light on?

'Cause I'm scared of werewolves.

Werewolves? What werewolves?

Drew told me
when the full moon comes out,

he's going to turn
into a werewolf.

When did he tell you this?

Last month.

(sighs)

Doc was out of town,

so he left his nephew Monk
to watch the store.

I'm closing at 1900
hours, so keep sweeping

and finish stocking
the shelves.

1900 hours?

7:00, boy-- don't your
parents teach you anything?

Monk had been part
of a famous failed

military operation
in the early '80s

and was very suspicious
of authority.

Watch the closing doors.

Now, why should I
believe these doors
are going to close?

Because you said so?

Well, what if they don't?

Then what?

Are you gonna issue
me a public apology?

Do I get to hire me a
new elevator operator?

And what about all the other
men and women that died

because of these
supposedly-closing doors?

What you got in this bag, boy?

What kind of rations you got?

Careful!

It's not lunch.

It's an egg.

Hey, man, what's that,

a booby trap or
something, man?!

You trying to kill me?
They must have sent
you to kill me,

didn't they?

You been ordered by my
commanding officers, huh?

No, it's my class project.

I'm supposed to take care of it
like it's a baby for a week.

And if anything happens to it,
I get an "F."

What you mean,
"If anything happens"?

I'll tell you what happens.

Try landing a
helicopter at night

in the middle
of a sandstorm in
the Iranian desert.

"If anything happens."

What if they don't tell you
there's a sandstorm, huh?

"If anything happens."

What about if your
commanding officer

doesn't tell you.
that you're going
to be taking fire

from the left
or to the right

or there's even going
to be a sandstorm?

"If anything happens."

It's because you're
commanding officer sent you

on a mission that he
knew was going to fail!

"If anything happens."

Boy, if all you got to do
is take that egg

and carry that egg around
for one week and keep it alive?

Boy, you don't know
how good you got it.

"If anything happens."

(scoffs)

(softly):
"If anything happens."

What you talking about, Monk?

Sure do hope you're right.

(Jefferson Airplane's
"White Rabbit" playing)

* Feed your head.

While my mother made sure
I didn't take my mind

or my eye off of Junebug,

She didn't count on one thing:
a ladybug.

Hey, Chris, can you help me
carry some of my bags home?

Uh, Monk, can I help her
carry some of her bags home?

Go ahead.

Thanks.

Boy, where have you been?

You've been gone
for almost an hour.

I thought you went AWOL.

How far does that girl live?
Just up the block.

Oh, all right.

Well, here,
got another package for you.

Take this to Miss Perkins.

Hey, where's Junebug?

What'd you say?

Boy, Junebug?!

How did you know about Junebug?!

That's supposed to be
a black op.

Black op?

Junebug is the name
of my egg.

Oh.

It was sitting right here.

I don't know;
I've been packing bags all day.

That thing could be anywhere.

Oh, man!

Junebug was the first egg

to ever end up
on a milk carton.

Until I could find my egg,
I had to make sure my mother

didn't find out
and crack my skull.

(jazzy spy movie-type
music playing)

(liquid spraying)

If I actually worked that hard
in class,

I might have gone to college.

I might have had a new egg,

but my mother
was her same old suspicious.

Chris, you haven't let that
egg out of your sight, have you?

No, ma'am.
I take it everywhere I go.

Found out why
that electric bill

was $25-a-day,
three cents more than usual.

Really?
Tonya's been sleeping

with the light
on at night.

Girl, you know you're not scared
of the dark.

No, but I'm scared
of werewolves.

ROCHELLE:
What wolves?

JULIUS:
Werewolves.

Drew told me he was going
to turn into one.

She's been sleeping with the
light on for the last month.

CHRIS:
There's no such thing
as werewolves, stupid.

Yes, there are.

In ancient folklore, a werewolf
is a man who turns into a wolf

because he's been bitten
by another werewolf.

It happens
over a full moon.

ROCHELLE:
Boy, did you tell her that?

What?

I said, did you tell her that?

I was just playing.

Oh, there's about
to be a full moon.

Get your behind
upstairs.

Chris, cover your egg's ears.

Dang, Tonya.

Now!

How many times
do I have to tell you?

Stop telling your sister
all that foolishness!

Pass the biscuits.
And go get my belt.

Good thing it was Drew
getting a beating

and not my egg.

You're overbearing
and clingy.

If you keep it up, you're going
to be a single father, too.

20 years later, that's what
Greg's mail-order bride said.

This project sucks.

I know.

Listen, I got to
tell you something.

Last time I heard that,
my mom ran off with my uncle.

Greg, I lost my egg.

What? That's an automatic "F."

I know, I know,
but I replaced it.

Just let me know
if it looks like
the real thing.

Wow, you did this?

Yeah. What do you think?

I think you're going to fail.

Your stamp's upside down.

Before Buffy slayed vampires,

Tonya tried
to whack a werewolf.

* When you close your eyes
and you go to sleep... *

(yells)
Tonya, what
are you doing?!

If you're a werewolf,
the only way to kill you

is with a silver stake
through your heart.

No, no, Tonya,
I'm not a werewolf.

Werewolves are just
make-believe.

It's a full moon, Drew,
don't play with me.

Are you a werewolf?

No, Tonya, I promise.
I'm not a werewolf.

Please don't kill me.

Is that a hair
growing through your arm?

No, no, no, it's not.
No, I swear.

Are you lying?
I'm not a werewolf,

Tonya, please.
You better not be.

Drew wouldn't be this scared
again until Tonya's birthday

when she asked
for silver bullets.

This just doesn't
make sense.

On my count, we're
missing an egg.

I don't know, baby,
maybe we ate it.

ROCHELLE:
Hey, sweetie.

You ready for your
big report?

No, I was ready
to have egg on my face.

I lost my egg.

Oh. That's not your egg?

No, this is the one I took
from the refrigerator

when I lost
the other one.

Wait a minute.

You got me here like Columbo
trying to figure

how my food is disappearing,

and it's right there
in your hand?

I was scared to tell you
what happened.

I didn't want you to get mad.

See, Chris?
That's my point.

If your real child was missing,
would you hide it from me?

Yes.
No.

Would you steal a white kid
and paint him brown?

Yes.
No, sir.

See, you thinking
about the wrong thing.

The hardest thing
about being a father

is not learning how
to care for somebody;

it's learning how to quit
thinking so much about yourself.

You know, I can't

let you go
to class with a fake egg.

But I'm going to get an "F."

No, you're not.

Junebug? What...?

Monk brought it over.

Apparently, when you weren't
paying attention,

it got mixed in with another
customer's groceries.

Well, why didn't you tell me
you had it?

Why didn't you tell me
you lost it?

Here.

And the next time you bring
a baby in my house,

you better bring his mother,
and she better be your wife.

What I thought
would be an easy "A"

ended up being one
of the hardest grades

I've ever earned.

You know, I
made fun of you

for taking this
project so seriously,

but I actually
learned something.

Me, too: women are nuts
and private school's expensive.

Yeah, I don't want to be father
any time soon.

MORELLO:
All right, class,
take your seats

so we can get started.

I can't wait to hear
all your reports.

(crunching)
Junebug!

Chris, why don't you start?

* Everybody hates Chris.

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