Original subtitles

Ow.What are you doing?

What do you mean,what am I doing? I'm playing footsie

Ok,footsie would imply something cute and playful

You're sawing through my Achilles tendon with your big toenail

Well,it��s fun.I it��s frisky and..

might I even say,a little naughty

Ok.No offense,but if you're trying to get things started here,

your feet probably shouldn't be playing a role

I mean,you want me thinking about sex,right?

Not "how do I escape this razor-clawed creature from the forest."

All right I it��s just that,you know..

-it's been a few weeks,and- -what ?!

No.No,what about the day that I came home from the market

after discovering that they now make sloppy Joes in a squirt bottle?

That...led to some pretty hot action

Yeah,but that was�� that was like a month ago

-I t was? -Yeah.Listen,trust me

I don't quickly forget the day where I have sex with you plus squeezable meat

I��m going to say thank you, although I��m not sure why

All right.Let's do this

Excuse me

What was that?

What?I it��s nothing. I��m just working on a little cold,that's all

Yeah,ok.Look,um..

see...here's the thing. I -- I��m doing this risk reward analys is in my head,

and I don't know.I mean,already I��m picturing it's me having sex with,

like,1,000 of those tiny animated germ guys from the commercials��

you know,with the helmets and the pickaxes And I -- I just,I ..

I think those guys are for foot fungus

Yeah.Well,either way,I��m out

Til Death 1x15

Ok,from downtown for the win!

Man,there is nothing more electric than high schoolgirls' basketball

We should probably keep it down

I don't want Cofeld's wife coming down here and yelling at us like last time

Oh,no worries.She's not even here

She's ata bridal shower for her sister's Wedding or,should I say,"civil union."

What does that mean?

It means Denise is marrying Janet

Thanksgiving is about to get a whole lot easier for the only black guy in the family

So,how does that work? Like,one of them has a bridal shower,

and then the other one has, like,a bachelor party?

Do gay people even have bachelor parties?

I didn't have a bachelor party

Question asked,question answered

You didn't have a bachelor party? What happened?

Nothing.Just discussed it with Steph,

and we decided I��m not really a bachelor-party kind of guy

Hold--hold on. You mean,Steph told you you're not a bachelor-party kind of guy

Every guy is a bachelor-party kind of guy

I it��s a last taste of freedom before they cut off our cranberries and put ��em in a jar

Yeah.Mine was crazy

We rented an R.V.And my brother got girls who knew gymnastics and stuff

You think that was crazy?

I��m still wanted in the state of Delaware

I made out with a dude

Too bad those days are over

I don't know

We have someone here in our midst who never had a shot ata bachelor party

What do you say we right some wrongs?

Yeah,yeah I like what I��m hearing

And I vote for an activity that include snaked girls

Or sea world

-I like my idea -All right

This is what we'll do.We'll get little dressed up,we'll grab a few drinks,

and,there's three of us here, so we could split the limo

-There's four of us -What?

Oh!Right,yeah Three��s...there��s four of us

I wasn��t counting myself

So,what do you say?

Saturday night we'll do Jeff��s bachelor party

Guys,uh,can I point outdone little flaw here?

I��m not a bachelor I��m already married

There's no way Steph would allow me to do this

And that��s exactly why you do it You have to stand up for yourself

Your wife doesn't decide whether you're alwed to see other naked women

Actually,I think she does

I f it's noting our vows, I��m pretty sureit was implied

You know what ?I give up Ok?Just forget it

Forgot that I was talking to Mr " I respectand love my wife" here

I it��s--it��s...really sad

So sad.Sad,sad,sad

Oh,wait,wait,wait Ok,all right

You guys want to throw me a bachelor party--

Let's have a bachelor party.All right

I��m not gonna let my wife tell me what I can and can't do

You know what ? No.You're not doing this

Oh--you can't just say no!

But we've discussed this You're not a bachelor-party guy

No,no,no.You said I��m not a bachelor-party kind of guy

and guess what?You don't get to decide

whether or not I��m allowed to see other naked women

Uh,I sure as hell do

Yeah,I thought that sounded wrong

Come on!Let me have a bachelor party.Please?!

Ok,fine

Have your post-wedding bachelor party

-Have a great time. -I will

So--so,you're ok with it

Hey,can I get you a snack?

I love you

Ok,I��m heading out

How's the cold?How's my little trooper doing?

I think I��m dying

Oh,this one with the humor

Fantastic.Ok,look�� I got you a little pick-me-up

And it��s with aloe, so your face won��t bleed anymore,ok?

All right.I gotta get going- get this thing over with

Yeah,I��m sure you're dreading going out and meeting a different women named cinnamon

Well,listen,tonight is for Jeff

And I just don't want to disappoint the youngster

Oh,please I heard you in the shower singing,

whoomp!There it is

All right,listen.I know on the outside,

it probably looks like this is the most excited I��ve been in 3 years. But..

on the inside,there is no place I would rather bethanright next to you

So,just say the word,and I won't go

Don't go

You're serious?

-No.Go! -Okey-dokey.That's my gal!

Gentlemen,here we are--flesh gardens

Breathe it in,boys

I know on the outside,it probably looks like this is the most excited I��ve been in 3 years

This is great

This is totally worth the constant, echoey silence that is now my marriage

Ok.You know what ?

Time to check the wife talking the lobby,ok?

And what do you say we lose the Indiana Jones hat?

No,Eddie,Eddie,this? This is my party hat

You would not believe the kind of action I��ve seen in this hat

Uh-huh.Didany of it involve running from a giant boulder?

No.I f you must know,I wore this hat--

at the end of Casablanca when you had to get on that plane?

Just forget it,ok?

And don't mess withy party hat

I haven't seen a naked lady besides my wife in 20 years..

except on that dirty deck of cards I managed to save from childhood

I��m extremely terrified right now

10 bucks.Ok,gentlemen No touching, groping,fondlingof the dancers

I f youdisrespectthe ladies, you will be removed by me

I believe that,my brother Come on. Give me a little--

All right I guess this isn't gonna happen

Ok,let's,uh...Let's go

Gentlemen,wedding rings off

All--all right.You know what? Let's go sit down.Right in front

Uh,anybody bring any singles?

I didn't know what these gals expect in tips, so,I went to the bank and took out $700 in ones

Yeah,I think you��re good Ok,sit down

Oh,hey!What's up,fellas?

-Hey,there he is!Hey! -Hey,Cofeld

Ooh,let's get the party started!

Hey,guys!

You brought your wife?!

Oh,yeah,man It turns out she��s into this kind of stuff

She's cool,man.She's cool!

Oh,my god,Eddie That one looks just like your daughter

Oh,please,god,no

Come in!

-Hi,joy. -Hey

Jeff saidyou weren'tfeeling well, so I thought I��d pop over and see how you're doing

Oh,that's nice.Um..

pretty bad,yeah.Pretty contagious

Doctor said that A thing like this could just,you know,leap off of meand,grr!

Attack anybodywho's around me.So

oh!I��m not worried about me

The most important thingis we get you healthy

I have some great homeopathicre medies here Oh,no,no.I��m good

I was just about totake enough cold medicine to start a meth labin my belly

Yeah

You could take what all the big pharm aceutical companies have trained you to take,

or you couldlet nature heal you and put this stickup your nose

As soothing asthat sounds,um,

I��m not reallythe greatest sick person

So,I hope that you'll forgive me for what I��m about to say--get out

Ok

I was just...feeling a little bummed about

Jeff��s skeevybachelor partyand I thought I couldcome over here and take careof you

But...feel better

Wait.Come back

You can't letthis thing with Jeff bother you

Ohh.Oh,why does he have to go to a strip club?

We have a great sex life

I��ll do anything

I mean...anything

That's nice,honey

But Jeff is just like Eddie. He's a good guy

But even good guys occasionally feel the need to go out and act like complete dumb-asses

Come on.You've known Jeff a long time He must have done something like this before

Well,one time he had too much sugar

and said some pretty nasty things about Ronald Reagan in front of my grandpa

The point is--that,at the end of the day, the worst thing that could happen is that

Jeff gets called upon stage,a naked girl rides him like a horse,and they run off and start a new life together

Kidding!

I��m kidding

Yeah,I guess you��re right

Bless you Thank you

You know,I -- I really wish you'd try some of this stuff

I got this special tea from a lakot a Indian shaman

I it��s good stuff..

like,not legal outside the Sioux nation good

I it��ll bend your head, man

You get the tea going I��ll put on dark side of the moon

I just don��t understand why anybody likes this I mean, this is not erotic

I tsar billion-dollar industry Somebody likes something

This is my bachelor party,people Can we focus on the ladies?

All right,thank you.That was pleasant Now my hair's wet

Eddie,it's just water

What do you mean it's just--my whole head is wetland I��m sitting under a vent

Knock,knock.Who's there? Pneumonia Come on in!

Here ya go

Get yourself somemore comfortable shoes

Ma'am,excuse me,but I think there should be a posting or some kind of warning if there's gonna be water in your act

So,it's your bachelor party

When are you getting married?

Oh,I actually got married 6 months ago This is like a do over

Isn't the whole point of a bachelor party to still be a bachel?

Could you switch places with the little bo peep?

She strikes me as less judgmental

Hey there,handsome

I��m not comfortable here I can tell

Maybe you should take a little break and come with me to the champagne room

I s therechampagnethere? There's anything you want there

That sounds classy

Excuse me--Laura,Laura?

Oh,my god!Nicole!

You two know each other?

Yeah We did a mommy & me class together

Ok,this isn't good

So,how'slittle Michael? Oh,he's great

How is your baby boy? Oh,not a baby anymore

This is little Joshua and his grandfather taking a bath together

Adorable!

So,how did things work out with that breast pump?

not so good

You'll seein a minute

Ohh.Ok,uh,good night,everybody

Come on,let's go We're leaving?

I was just starting to enjoy this! Well,come on,honey

We'll talk all about it in the minivan

Thanks fo rbringing her by

God,I love this tea

I t makes me feel...unconquerable

Yeah

Hey,do you seethat hawkon top of the tv?

No

Wait..

no

I gotta be honest,Steph

I it��s a little surprisingthat someone like youwould have tea like this

it's no big deal,really Just... after my freshman year of college,

I was hitchh iking through south dakota when I met thisnative american guy

He was super hot

Like,long,black hair. and really in shape

But not from the gym�� just from,like,climbing stuff

Anyway,we spent a pretty wild couple of weeks camping out

and before he left,he gave me these herbs

It didn't work out,but..

Every couple of months, I mail him 100 bucks

and he sends me more in a hollowed-out teddy bear

wow..And to think--when I first met you, I thought you werea nitwit

Yeah

And I thoughtyou werea real bitch

You know what else? What?Ha ha ha!

Check out this tattoo

Ha ha!Oh

Jeff thinks it's the native American symbol for serenity

But it eally means"john thunderclaw."

Oh,my god.There goes the hawk

I��m actuallystarting to findstripping boring

I��ve counted6 girls dancing nude with nicotine patches

Eddie,can you not talk about what��s wrong with the strippers?

I don't ever want tohear again, "Hey,look.That one'sbalding."

Heh.Oh,oh,look! Something very naughtyis happening withy hat!

Maybe she cangive it to her friend and cover the bald spot

Oh,my god

Stan,what happened?

There's no champagne inthe champagne room..

only shame

I��m gonna walk overto the airport to see if they have a 24-hour chapel

Well,I guess we shouldcall it a night,too What?

Eddie--the night's justgetting started! Hey,man,hey,what about--bachelor party?

Whoo!Yeah,well,you know what,Jeff ? I think this lookeda lot better on paper

I should have stayed homewith the sick wife

At least I know what diseases she has

Do you realize what I went through with the wifeto get this night?

You understandhow madSteph is at me?

You know,someonekeyed my car,and I thinkit was her

Yeah,well,you know what ? I��m sorry about that

But the night's over,and besides�� my friends left

Oh,right.Right Your friends left

Come on.You know what I mean Yeah,yeah.I think I do

Let's just go

Uh...excuse me,miss? I��m-- I��m sorry

I love your act,but I was just on my way out, and I just needed to get my hat back

Hey,hey,hey! Put those hands down!

Sorry.I wasjust tryingto get my hat

You need to tryto get your assout of here

Uh,I -- I would love to

I it��s just,the,um--the otheryoung lady with the tassels,she--she disappearedwith my hat

-So,if you'd beso kind as to- -excuse me

Can you just...get my friendhis hat back?

I think it's time forboth of you to leave

You'rea striking man..

amazing armsare like tree trunks

Do you use those,um,squishy, Springy hand things to...are you..

Eddie,uh,we could go I it��s fine. Ok.We should.Yeah

Good time--terrific

Eddie,what are you doing?

-Hey,hey!Get down from there! -Leave me alone

-Get back here! -Leave me alone

-get back here! -No!

-You're hurting me! -No!

Get back here!

Run,woodcock!Run like the wind!

you don't thinkit makes me looktoo tall?

-I it��s good!I it��s good.O -ok

All right,now,listen

Remember,our wives have probably spent the entire Evening eating their cookie dough ice cream

And crying about What we've been doing tonight

All right?so,listen

No matter what happens,on the other side of this door,do not show the guilt

-Got it. -Ok

I don't know what happened here,buddy

But I think you��re off the hook