Original subtitles

Wazzup?

Mr. Shannon! Hello to you, good sir.

Hello to you, good sir.

Hello good sir to you as well, good sir.

- Hey, Adam. - Hi, Pat.

Now, would you care to know who's got

the smallest dick in Hollywood?

Oh, yes, kind sir, I very much would.

It's gotta be one of the kids from Stranger Things, right?

What?

He's an Oscar-winning director.

I'll send photos. You'll need to zoom in.

Great. You have a second?

- Sure. - Good.

Dan, live situation. Pat is making moves in the artist village.

Repeat, fox in the chicken coop.

Okay, pal, listen up.

Centurios 2 has a little problem.

- Little plot hole. - Oh, great.

I love it when other people's films are in trouble.

Oh, me too.

It's fucking awesome. I know, I know.

But sadly though, this one's my responsibility.

Anyway, to fix the plot hole...

- Bryson? - I'll take it from here.

They need a man who can see into the future.

Or maybe one who causes earthquakes

and has slightly above average strength, right?

Hey, guys. What are we missing?

Anita, we're taking Peter for a day of shooting. Hmm?

Absolutely, Pat. Hundred percent.

- Whatever you need. - Good. There's more.

Can I get a private word in two?

Bryson, find me a space.

What is happening?

Payback, Daniel. The reckoning.

We are being punished for Eric's sins.

Oh, what a shame, number one.

Old man's off to the big leagues for a day. Adios, cuntos.

Bye, Peter. Break a leg.

He's such a good actor.

As are you.

Okay, you got your pound of flesh, Pat.

- So, we square? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Your director kamikazed himself into our tentpole.

I will take whatever the fuck I want.

Shane hates it when his movies fight.

Obviously, I'd like to shout at Eric

till my jaw pops, but sadly Scott Rudin

fucked it for all of us, so I can't.

Shane's not happy with you, Anita.

I lost control of my director. Whatever you need.

There is one other thing. Some product placement

I want you to include in your movie.

Sure. What's the product? Rolex or--

- Chinese farming machinery. - Chinese farming machinery.

Left field. That... Was not expecting that.

- Shane's under pressure. - But thriving.

Domestic box office is going down and down.

China's coming back.

But China wants a favor to release our movies.

- A reach-around. - A reach-around? Of China?

That's a big old reach-around.

It's a huge reach-around.

The Central Propaganda Committee would like it known

their farming machinery is the greatest in the world.

And I happen to agree with them.

A hundred percent. Fuck John Deere.

Sure, but in terms of how farming machinery

might sit in Tecto, a superhero movie largely set in space--

Anita, I once got flavored rubbers into a TV movie

about the Exxon Valdez oil spill.

- Wow. - But now, I leave

the detail to the artists.

Leave it to the artists to sell the tractors.

Your movie, Anita... it's on our shit list.

Get me my tractor shot, or Peter

won't be the last thing I fucking take.

- You got it? - Copy.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have a flight to Cleveland.

They're letting me blow up a freeway.

Super cool.

Here is a brochure of Chinese farming machinery.

A multiverse, but of Chinese farming machinery.

Oh, Angela.

Oh, Angela!

Angela!

Oh, Angela.

Angela!

Jesus Christ.

And cut.

And respectfully, we've cut there.

Well, that's depressing.

Yeah, well, guess what? Between us...

- Circumcision. - What? Circumcision?

No, it's being cut. The scene's a cut.

Why are we shooting something that we're gonna cut?

Sugar cube for the donkey.

Eric wants it, and he is the "director."

- What was that? - What was what?

You said director in air quotes.

- No, I didn't. - Almost there. One more.

Eric, honestly, I think we got that.

Listen, this scene is the beating heart of my movie.

This is me, like a samurai, opening my gut to tell the people.

Yeah. We're going again.

- Sorry, sir, go on. - Yeah, also last take...

fruit bowl was fuckity wank. It won't work.

Stop fussing about the fucking tangerines, Stephanie.

Super, super important that we get this scene

absolutely perfect.

Right, Dan?

Have you heard what they call me after the golf cart thing?

"The badass Wes Anderson."

I hope it doesn't stick. Can you imagine?

I wouldn't worry. I don't think anyone's calling you that.

Maybe I like how it feels.

Swinging the dick around. Ding dong.

Yeah, swing it around.

Use it as a fork. You can do what you want.

- I'd like to fire the sound man. - Okay, you can't do that.

He rolls his eyes at my scene.

Plus, he's wearing the indoor scarf.

I thought only directors wear the indoor scarf. Is he mocking me?

Why don't we put him somewhere you can't see him?

Yes, hide the man.

- Now show me the cargo bay. - Oh.

Bring up Eric's cargo bay.

So, this is the latest render of the cargo bay.

Daniel?

All right, screen team. I did have it, but what I'm looking

at right now is not the cargo bay.

It's Darren's wife and his three children

and their weird medieval haircuts.

Eric. Sir, cannot wait to see your hospital scene.

Somberly excited to see her die.

Thank you.

Why does he think small children

want to see a sad lady die?

Yeah. Agreed. We should cut the scene.

I spoke with Pat.

We have to swallow some additional product placement.

What, one of his janky product deals?

Oh. For the record, not everyone

who drove a Coyote Turbo died in a fire.

It's not my first rodeo.

I helped integrate paprika Popchips

into Thunderon's funeral. What's the brand?

Established name.

I took a look at the product catalog,

and I think the best fit for us in terms of storytelling

is the YTO 330.

Sports car? 'Cause Tecto's already got a car.

Mm, this is more off-road.

Off-road, four-wheeled conveyance.

Rugged.

- That's a tractor. - Very, very reliable tractor.

Judge's commendation at the Beijing Tractor Expo.

- Fair play, tractor. - Fucking great tractor.

It's a tractor with bags of character.

We're in deep space.

How the fuck are we gonna integrate a tractor?

Look, Aaron Sorkin's locked in a room in Burbank

working on the Turkey Dinosaurs movie for Pat.

- I'll throw it to him. - Eric won't like it.

He's a former ad guy.

On the Reddits, they still call him "The Cheese Man of Dusseldorf."

- It haunts him. - Sorry, no can care.

Shane wants us to tickle up China.

Look, it is not just us.

Centurios 2 took the Forager model...

which has the excavation bucket

- and the hedge trimmer? - Hedge trimmer.

No way. It just won't make sense.

God, imagine if something in the movie didn't make sense.

Look, this is not a drill, Dan.

Pat's unhappy, and I need a win. We both do.

I am offering whatever you want...

in terms of directing.

Okay.

All right, I'll talk to Eric. You'll get your product shot.

Thank you.

It's so red and adorable.

Really hope you figure it out.

Be great to give a boost to the Chinese Communist Party.

Okay, cool. You're doing your thing.

Peck, peck, pecking away.

Look, it's a two-second shot of a tractor.

And Dickens was product.

And Shakespeare moved units, okay?

The biz is the biz is the biz.

Six hundred gram organic rotisserie chicken for Adam.

Great. So now I'm a chicken butler.

For the People's Republic of Chicken.

Really glad I did that degree in history of art.

Chicken traveling!

I have your chicken.

I feel like a zookeeper

throwing protein at you every four hours.

Yeah. It's... I just gotta maintain nonstop.

It's like I-- I'm only as valuable as...

as my lean muscle mass.

And it's like I'm a piece of veal. It's just...

Very morose. You still in character

for the scene that won't get cut?

Can I ask you a question?

'Cause this child on Reddit says I don't blink enough

and it's creepy and now I'm in my head about it?

How's this?

Mm. Great, great level.

You're blinking like a motherfucker.

- Yeah. That-- Yeah. - Yeah.

That's what I thought. I mean...

I just don't get it. Why don't they want me?

Centurios 2. Why'd they take Peter over me?

Like, why don't they--

Like, what is it about me that they...

What-- Do you like me?

I don't think you want me poking around

in your noggin, seriously.

No, you can come on in. Door's open.

Ding dong. Say hello.

- What is it? - Honestly, Adam...

and I actually think that you'll find comfort in this...

I don't have one opinion on you. Not at all.

Well, I-- Well, y-- you--

Sorry. That's why you're so great.

- Oh. - When I'm watching you

I'm not thinking about anything.

And it's like my brain's having a little rest.

You're kind of like a sexless...

in a good way because it's non-threatening...

potato.

"Sexless potato."

God, you have confidence to say that

to my actual fucking face.

In front of everyone.

Big Dag energy.

Do you mind having second lunch with me?

I need a favor. What are you, paleo, keto?

Dag.

No, no. What, what do you wanna eat?

Surprise me.

- Okay. Great. - Yeah.

I'm looking forward to it.

Okay, product placement option one. And cue vehicle.

Copy that. Cueing vehicle.

Thoughts?

In terms of how we integrate it into the plot...

in the story...

I guess the story is a rice farmer from China's...

accidentally driven through a wormhole in...

It's the worst thing I've ever seen.

Or option two.

So, option two.

Why would there be a Chinese tractor

in the Sector Nine cargo bay?

Maybe an agricultural show nearby?

Country fair in a local quadrant?

- Smart. - A country fair in deep space?

Yeah. Hogs, lambs, goats. Space cheese.

Fucking space cheese?

I give up. I literally can't do anything right.

Also, China would like a line.

Obviously, we can push back. But they are, not relevant...

but they are a global nuclear superpower. So...

Which line?

"Reliable. Buyable. Undeniable.

It's the best tractor in the galaxy."

And you want those actual words in my literal movie?

It's a small statement of fact.

Daniel, I can't.

Eric, there is another option.

- The hospital scene. - My dying wife?

Truth is, the studio want to cut it, okay?

'Cause they're scared by the power of emotions.

But put the tractor in the scene and then they can't cut it.

The only way you're swallowing their load

is if they swallow yours.

A load for a load.

Plus, Centurios 2 has the Forager model...

which has the excavator bucket.

Obviously I can shoot a tractor. I can shoot the shit out of it.

Oh, yeah. Mate, I've seen your Daewoo commercial.

Seminal.

So, we good?

By the way, Milo the sound guy didn't wanna move.

So, we're setting up a sight screen

so you won't have to see him.

We made him remove his indoor scarf.

He was wearing it 'cause he has tonsillitis.

Would you like to keep it as a trophy?

Yes.

Is he looking?

I have the feeling I've antagonized him.

Oh, yeah, he's looking. Lasers coming out of his eyes.

Is there nowhere else he can go? Outside?

Like... a van outside?

Not in a horrible way, but...

Yeah, no, sure. Not a horrible van.

Okay. I think--

I think we should probably kill the video wall

‘cause that's personal and just a bit sad.

Screen team.

I've currently got a slideshow of Darren trying on some chinos.

Nobody look.

Nobody look at the video wall.

Even though I'm drawing your attention to it.

Deadline once called me a cusping wave. Ready to break.

And I'm...

I'm on like a mission to find what's missing.

And like, I was talking to this person.

It's a famous person, Jonah Hill.

And he said I should explore fecal transplants.

- Okay. - So, what I'm basically...

what I'm basically saying, Dag, is...

can you do me a solid?

Oh.

- My shit. - Yes, exactly, yes.

A stool transplant. And you're the perfect demographic for me.

Perfect, so yes.

I might like to, you know... feast on your biome.

Got it.

And how does that work... the transplant?

I don't like... in your mouth?

In my mouth? No, no.

Not yet.

Yeah, NDA. We're gonna sign an NDA, a veil of secrecy

and then my team will take a sample

and see if you are viable.

Oh. My stools are viable.

Yeah.

- Don't you worry about that. - Yeah.

Okay, yeah. I'm in.

But I want an executive producer credit.

Absolutely not.

One step at a time, okay? One step at a time.

- But I'll drop you a line. - Okay.

- Thanks. - It's a pleasure

doing business for you.

For me?

Don't tell anyone.

- Why would I? - Yeah.

- No problem. - The love of God!

Can I at least have my scarf back?

Yeah, I'll look into it. Okay, text me your lunch order.

Cheers.

- Emergency dialogue fix. - What?

Dialogue has been Sorkinized. We are rehearsing.

And now try the new line, please, Adam.

But really, only if you can find it, yeah?

- Okay. - And...

Just one sec.

I got it.

And... action.

Angela.

Tractors...

turning the soil. Reliable...

undeniable tractors.

Okay, he's not saying that line.

Okay, cut the line.

Other than that, I think it works.

Compromise.

Everyone's a winner slash loser. Told you I could execute.

"The Executioner" of this artform that you love.

Checks to shoot, please.

FYI, I may need to dash away on some very important business.

I'm trying to produce something for Adam. I'm his new producer.

Dan, Peter's returned from his Centurios cameo.

All right, great. Can you get him and Mollusk Man

ready for the next set-up?

We might have a continuity issue.

- Peter? - Oh, hello.

I had the most wonderful time.

Peter, have you been sprayed?

Yes, I have. I can't remember why.

Wasn't listening. Plot reasons, one imagines.

Peter's been sprayed.

- Like a dog? - Sprayed.

They've got the most incredible caterers over there.

Do you know, they put truffle into arancini now?

Makeup's saying they can't remove it without breaking skin.

They've had a go.

I've been getting rubbed off for the past hour.

Wonderful joke, Peter, thank you.

Someone "blue" me. Also tinted my skin.

Okay, let's send Peter home before he innuendoes himself.

And off I fuck for treacle pud on the beanbag.

The actor's life!

- Auf weidersehen, cunts. - Bye, Peter. Have a lovely time.

The crane pushes very slowly onto Adam.

Slow push. I'll let Horst know.

Slow and beautiful, yes? Like my scene.

Eyebrows coming back nicely.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So, how's things? How's married life?

Oh, I wouldn't know, sadly.

Had to miss the honeymoon to be here, but...

Right, right. I'm sure she understands.

- She's probably great. - Oh, yeah. Oh, she gets it.

Yeah. Totally get-- You know, she doesn't get it.

She's devastated, and she's not returning my calls.

- And it's really sad. - Right.

God.

Yeah, I'm having a bit of strife myself, actually.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Yep. Sometimes the people we end up with

are malignant, narcissistic arrogant shitheads.

...like a fraction slower.

- Well, that's show biz, folks. - Yes. Yes, it is.

Sorry?

Sorry, sorry. What the fuck is this now?

It was communicated to Centurios 2 that we had

successfully integrated the product into our film.

So they thought we could also take theirs.

Daniel? A second tractor?

Their feeling is... we already have one tractor.

So what's another tractor?

It's got more things than our tractor.

It's even more tractor.

Two tractors? This is my death scene!

It's not a fucking piece of farming pornography.

Having had a chance to reflect, their director just feels

- really strongly about China. - Oh, really? Does he now?

Guess what? I feel strongly about China.

But apparently, he feels really strongly.

Oh, that's so fucking paternalistic.

Straight White guy suddenly really cares

- about poor old backward China. - I really care about it.

I do care about it a lot.

Well, exactly, Eric cares about it but in the right way.

Calm down. We all hate or love China

the same correct amount. Who the fuck cares?

- Amnesty International. - Our corporate partners.

Asshole! He wants to destroy my film.

- Send it back. Send it back. - Do not send it back!

Do not send it back.

Oh my God, this is so ugly.

Apparently, their director is thinking of going public

with his feelings. And his opinion is basically... China.

Oh, yeah? Mine too. Fuck it. Fuck China.

- Hey... - I will say it first.

Who wants to hear it?

No, Eric. No. Whoa.

Fuck China. Yeah?

Fuck China!

Fuck dim sums. Fuck finger traps.

Fuck Mulan. Fuck fortune cookies.

Fuck sweet sour. Fuck Peking duck.

Fuck silk. Fuck ying. Fuck yang. Eric say fuck Confucius.

- Thank you. - You happy?

I'm a big man.

I'm an IMAX man. I'm a very wide screen man.

- Yeah. - Fuck the pandas.

Glad they can't reproduce.

Send them both back to Centurios.

No, no. No tractors. Xan said no tractors.

All right. We need to shoot.

Steph, can you find out when Eric's ready to rejoin, please?

He'll come out when he's hungry.

I know.

Guys! Stop watching poker.

Adam.

Hey.

- When you get a second. - What?

It is done.

I have undertaken my business.

- What? - In your trailer.

I've done a very ambitious production.

I've done a shit.

You shit in my trailer?

I thought that's what you wanted.

No. No, I have a specialist

and he puts it in a sealed bag and you're supposed

to do the WhatsApp questionnaire. What?

Oh, I've done it wrong.

Yeah. You shit in my trailer, dude.

Oh, no, Dag. You didn't. You mucky little pup.

- What's happening? - No.

Daniel, don't shout at her...

but she's done a shit in Adam's trailer.

Sorry, Dag, what? Was it...

I mean, tell me it was at least in the toilet.

NDA. NDA.

Oh, what have I done that for?

I think someone needs to say sorry.

Adam, I'm sorry for doing a poo in your trailer.

- What the fuck happened? - How do you know?

- It's in fucking Variety. - I'm sorry, what?

How can Variety know already?

Shane is monitoring, and he is deeply, deeply concerned.

Shane knows?

- Why is this happening to me? - Eric, sir. Sorry.

Have you declared war on China?

Not as far as I'm aware.

"Did Eric Bouchard Just Declare War on China?"

Oh, thank God! That's the article.

- Did you go public? - What is happening, Daniel?

No idea. I'm just panicking in real time like you.

Shane's schedule does not allow a window for war.

Maybe the sound guy leaked it.

You know, the man you put into a van?

Major problem. Very, very not good.

I just wanted a man to remove his scarf.

They've got fucking nukes, Eric.

Of all the countries. War with Malta, maybe.

War with China?

I'm supposed to go to Bournemouth for the weekend.

Listen, go to my trailer.

There's something there. You're not gonna like it.

The head of our Global Security Force, for you.

Hello?

Yes, this is he.

Yes, it seems I've done this.

Okay, I will let them know. Thank you. Bye.

They want me to tell security

that I might be at war with China.

Studio security, yeah?

Frank and the boys at front desk.

- I'll let 'em know. Great. - If you would be so kind, yeah.

Anita, I have Pat from Cleveland requesting you "urgently."

Oh, I'm not here. No thank you.

I'm actually just having a migraine.

I might have given myself China Syndrome.

Right, do you need your eye-bag?

Okay. Scramble PR.

Apology video. Full-court grovel.

Okay? Go. Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh, my God.

Hey, guys. Hey, team. What's up?

This is next-levels Orwellian.

Welcome to the future of getting reamed out.

Xi Jin Pat.

Pat, Daniel just called you "Xi Jin Pat."

So, team Tecto, what's happenin'?

Basically, Eric's at war with China and now he has a migraine.

Yeah, I know what's fucking happening, dipshit.

Show me Eric.

Hey, tough guy! Hope you've got your own nukes.

What the fuck is that? Bryson, what is that?

I believe it's an eye-bag, sir. Lavender-scented eye-bag.

All right, you know what?

That lavender eye-bag is gonna me fucking explode!

Eric, if we could be removing the eye-bag, please?

Pat, I am across this.

Sure fucking looks like it.

Hey, I talked to my friends at the Propaganda Committee.

They have a little clean-up job for you.

Tell me, what do you know about the tainted baby milk scandal?

Not much.

An incident. Traces of mercury in the milk.

They'd like us to reassure the Chinese people

that it's safe to drink.

And is it?

Oh, yeah, sure.

So, where are my actors at, huh? Bryson, show me.

Where's Peter? I guess we got a commercial to shoot.

You, in the skull cap.

How would you like a line in our movie?

I'm sorry?

Oh, my God.

I tell you what, Colonel Adard...

that packs a real protein punch.

- Cut. - Cut there.

I think we got it.

- Go again. - Pat would like to go again.

- We go again. - We're going again.

And this is definitely safe to drink?

Because I'm-- I'm drinking quite a lot of this.

Yeah, I'm sure it's fine.

If you could like... If you could find out

how much mercury there was in it...

because I ought to tell my doctor.

Yeah, sure.

It's only for the China cut, Eric.

Yeah, exactly. Just a billion people.

- Thank you, Dag. - He's very, very good.

Like, arresting.

Indelible.

Not good, Dan.

China, the golf cart.

Eric's about to hang himself with his indoor scarf.

Holy shit. Are they gonna fire him?

Worse.

No, they'll Clockwork Orange him.

Strap him to a chair, pin his eyelids back,

and then make us all watch as Pat fucks his movie.

Bad for Eric. Bad for us.

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

That does sound bad. Oh, feeding time.

Adam needs his chicken.

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm all right. I'm fine.

No, don't put your hand on me.

We've had reports of an audio leak.

I want my fucking scarf. And a lawyer.

If you can tell Eric, I wanna do kind of a looser one.

Matter of fact, this dude. Excuse me. Could you--

Could you just fuck off out of my eyeline just a hair?

Thanks, mate. Really appreciate it. Yeah.

Fuck's sake.

Come on. I really wanna see that label, Eric.

Come on. Let's sell some milk.

Can you hold the milk higher?

Mm-hmm. Yes, sir.

Closer to your face.

There?

Lower.

Lower.

Yeah.

Okay, let's go.

Come on. Let's sell some milk. Let's go.

All right, Eric, my good sir.

Ready for another take.

Ni hao. I want to apologize to the President of China...

the government of China. The people of China...

and, indeed, the pandas of China...

for the deeply disrespectful way I referred to your homeland.

Hello. And indeed, ni hao.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize

to the people of China

for a great many number of things.

First and foremost, the 1991 buddy comedy Sweet & Sour.

Having had the chance to reflect, and having spoken

to a number of leading Chinese academics...

I can now see that elements of my portrayal

of Professor Zhao were inappropriate, inaccurate

and, while deeply funny at the time and indeed lauded

as "stir-fried fun" by Roger Ebert...

incredibly painful to many thousands, if not millions of people.

I am, as ever, grateful for this learning opportunity.

And I know that now it's time for me to stop talking

and start listening.

My audiobook, You're Welcome Darling is available now, with a full

speaking tour to follow in the spring.

Thank you and zai jain.

Shishi.

And I would like to add...

that this milk is utterly delicious.