Original subtitles

I love making out on a weekday. It feels like high school.

Mm. Same, yeah.

High school was also a very sexual time for me too.

Order for Noah!

- That's me. - Mm.

Thank you.

Mm.

Thank you.

Your girl Bina just texted.

- Yeah, that is my girl. - Yeah.

Very excited you're coming to the bat mitzvah. It's your first one.

- That's so exciting. - Yeah.

Getting to spend a little more time with the fam?

I am so excited too.

- You okay? - Yeah.

I woke up with a little tickle in my throat this morning.

Really? You didn't mention it.

Oh God. Well, I wasn't sure, but now I am.

I mean, this is always how I feel right before I get really sick.

Hope it doesn't stop me from going to the bat mitzvah.

But... it probably will.

Oh! Okay.

I'll be really bummed if you can't make it, but if you're sick...

Yeah, I... Believe me, I'm gonna be bummed too.

Oh, oh, oh, probably shouldn't have coffee with a sore throat, you know?

- Oh! - Yeah.

- Yeah. - 'Cause you're sick.

Good call.

- So you're not really sick? - Mm, of course not.

But there is no way I'm going to that bat mitzvah

after his mom whispered her curse in my ear.

Well, have you told Noah what she said?

I can't. His mom is, like, his favorite person on the planet.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a tough situation.

Is this just because you're not Jewish?

Just... be Jewish.

- I don't see what the problem is. - What?

Well, Noah actually did ask me if I would ever consider converting,

and I'm kind of open to it.

- I mean, that's a big decision. - No, you should totally convert.

It's perfect because it's not like you stand for anything or have strong beliefs.

No! She stands for things.

- Feminism. You're a fan of that, right? - Right.

You refuse to pay on dates. You stand for things.

Yeah, but what's the difference if you're Jewish or not Jewish?

I'll tell you what makes a difference. A hot boyfriend who owns a home,

or you die alone, no home.

- You know what I'm saying? - I do like Noah.

- Yeah. - And I really wanna be with him.

- I feel like I could do it. - Yeah.

- I've reinvented myself dozens of times. - True.

- I was goth in high school. - I love that picture.

- Unforgettable. - I was a lesbian for a year.

- Uh... - Hummana-hummana...

I mean, what do you think it even takes?

- Wait. - Well, okay. Let's see.

I feel like I know.

- Would you like more coffee? - Yes, please.

- Judaism for dummies. - How to be Jewish.

- Thank you. - Fun fact. I'm Jewish.

- Okay. Slay. - Oh.

- Think he owns his own home? - Okay.

- That was a sign. - Yeah.

Apparently, you have to study for two years and possibly wear a wig.

Uh, what?

No. I found Become Jewish in Six Weeks.

- No wigs. It says no wigs. - What?

Hey! Okay, no wig. I'll take it.

- I did it. - All right.

- Yeah. Great. - I think I should do it.

- Wow! One lunch, and she's... Jewish. - A lesbian.

Jewish, yeah.

- She's Jewish. - To Jewish.

Matzah!

I know my mom picked the bat mitzvah theme,

but "Miriam Takes a Bite of the Big Apple."

- Listen... - Honey, I gotta tell you.

- This theme sucks. - Yeah, it does.

Between the theme and Miriam's ugly dress, there's no turning back now.

It's what your mom wanted, and she's paying.

This swag doesn't even make any sense.

What? Apple plus pizza plus Jewish star?

- How does that equal Miriam? - I don't know.

That is so cute. Oh my God. I get it. Equals Miriam.

- Where's the other box of swag? - Uh, I think it's inside.

Hey.

Nervous about Rebecca and Joanne being in the same room later?

Nope.

Because she's not coming.

- Why not? - Too sick. So she says.

She's been weird since brunch with Mom and Dad.

Of course she's acting weird.

You're going a hundred miles an hour with that tiny elf.

You've been together for a few months, and you're talking about converting.

I think I freaked her out a little bit, didn't I?

Maybe.

Look, I know it's way too early to be discussing this stuff,

but truth is, you know,

we don't really have a future if she's not open to being Jewish.

What does Morgan think about this? Is she cool with Joanne tribing up?

I don't know. They're still fighting.

I've been sworn to secrecy on something, and I... I gotta get it off my chest,

but I feel it's gonna piss people off if I say it.

- No, no. You gotta let me say it. - No. I don't engage in gossip.

Lashon hara.

Is it about me?

Would it change your opinion on gossip if it was about you?

Well, is it?

- Not directly, but... - Lashon hara.

Oh my God. I don't know where...

If you think I'm gonna help you set up that microphone, you're wrong.

Does it look like I'm asking you to help me?

I feel like it looks like I'm doing it myself.

- Thank you. - No, you got it.

Stay committed. If you just keep jamming it in there, it'll eventually fit.

It sounds like you in your twenties.

- Where is this? - Care to tell me why Sasha's calling you?

Oh, let me get that. Will you just give it to me?

- What did you do? - I didn't do anything. Give me my phone!

- Answer it on speakerphone now. - Give me my phone. Okay, I will. Stop it.

Hi, Sasha. Uh, why are you calling me? We barely know each other.

I have something to tell you. I'm not used to keeping secrets,

but I need sweet release from these chains.

- Well, now is not a good time, so... - Rebecca lied.

You were compromised the entire time.

She knew who you were, and she just wanted to mess with Noah and Joanne.

Nothing she said was true. Oh my God, that felt so good.

Look, I gotta go. Don't tell Esther I told you.

Wow.

- Mm. - Oh my God, you were telling the truth.

Yeah.

I was wrong.

I'm s... so sorry. What was that?

I said you were right, and I was wrong.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

- We good? - I'm sorry. You were awful to me, okay?

You called me a desperate, pathetic liar.

I know, but my apology just now, like, included all of that stuff.

What do you want me to say?

I want you to get down on your knees and beg.

Morgan, I just washed these jeans. They're too tight to kneel down.

I don't care. Come on.

Okay, I'll do it, you psycho.

Thank you.

Morgan, I'm sorry.

Mm-mm. That was bad. You can do it again, better.

Okay, look, I know we like to give each other shit.

Mm-hmm.

But the truth is, you're an amazing business partner,

and you're an even better sister.

I know we don't say it enough, but I love you.

You're my best friend, and you always will be.

Marry me.

Sure.

Also, you are widely thought of as the pretty one.

No, I'm not. Come here. Weirdo.

- I'm really sorry. - It's okay.

Okay. Let's do this, yeah?

- Why does Sasha have your phone number? - We can circle back to that.

Okay, the real question is,

is this bitch, Rebecca, really trying to break you guys up?

Yeah. Everyone is, and they're all together at a bat mitzvah.

Uh, then what the fuck are we doing here?

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for the star of the show,

the queen of the night, our bat mitzvah girl, Miriam!

♪ Start spreading the news... ♪

- Come to your grandma. Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy. - You look amazing!

You're gorgeous. I am so proud of you.

Gorgeous girl. Here you go, here you go! My gorgeous...

I hate this dress.

You look gorgeous. Everything's fine. Get up.

Yes, Miriam! Congrats. Come on, honey, you look amazing. Miri!

Let's help Miriam pick up those apples and join her on the dance floor

to get this party started! Come on!

♪ Soulja Boy off in this ♪

♪ Watch me crank it, watch me roll ♪

♪ Watch me crank that Soulja Boy Then Superman that ♪

- ♪ Now watch me crank that ♪ - ♪ You ♪

♪ Now watch me crank that Soulja Boy Now watch me crank that Soulja Boy ♪

♪ Now watch me crank that Soulja Boy ♪

♪ Soulja Boy off in it Watch me lean and watch me rock ♪

♪ Superman that Then watch me crank that Robocop ♪

♪ Super fresh, now watch me jock Jocking on them haters, man... ♪

- I can't believe you came. - Yeah. Mm.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hope it's chill that I crashed. I just... I love a DJ.

The more the merrier. Absolutely. I'm so happy you two made up.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, you should have seen Miriam at her service. She was... She was amazing.

Oh, that's so cool. I'm so happy for her.

- You know what? There's an open bar, so... - Yeah, come on.

So what happened? I thought you were sick.

I gotta be honest, Noah. I was just faking that.

What?!

You? Yes, I know.

- You knew that? - Yes, of course.

You threw out my coffee! You owe me that coffee.

I paid for that coffee.

You owe me a coffee.

Why'd you lie?

'Cause...

Because nobody wants me here, Noah.

Yes, they do.

I want you here.

Well, I'm here now.

And I...

I decided that I... I want to be a part of your world

because I want to be with you.

And I also made a decision.

Yeah?

I'm gonna convert.

Are you serious?

Noah, I would do anything for you.

But also for you, right? Because you wanna be Jewish.

Yeah. No, I mean, of course.

'Cause it's important that you've thought about this.

Right. Yeah. I, like, did some research.

Yeah. And you're committed to the spiritual journey.

- Noah, take yes for an answer, okay? - I will. Absolutely.

This is very exciting.

Oh!

- Mwah, mwah. Welcome to the tribe. - Thank you.

- Hello, Joanne. - Oh, hi.

- My heavens. You came. - Yeah.

And you brought an uninvited guest.

- Mom? - Yeah.

Joanne has made a very big decision that I think is gonna make you happy.

You have to leave early. I'm sorry. Be well, dear.

I'm kidding.

Ah!

- I'm really a very funny person. - Well...

What I was gonna say, what we were gonna tell you is Joanne...

- Mm-hmm. - ...has decided...

Mm-hmm.

...to convert.

It's a celebration. You've got some.

I'm gonna get you champagne. I'll be right back.

That's right.

I'm not going anywhere.

Hmm.

I think the words that you're looking for are mazel tov.

Is that right? That sounds right.

Come on!

♪ Venis mecha ♪

♪ Hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila ♪

♪ Venis mecha ♪

♪ Hava neranena... ♪

- Ooh. What? Oh. - Sit on the chair.

Me? Oh!

Get in the chair.

Get in the chair.

♪ Hava neranena ♪

♪ Hava neranena ♪

♪ Venis mecha... ♪

Whoo!

♪ Uru achim ♪

♪ Uru achim belev sameach ♪

♪ Uru achim... ♪

Really? Come on.

♪ Uru achim belev sameach ♪

♪ Uru achim ♪

♪ Belev sameach ♪

Perfect.

Great. Ooh.

Oh. Hey, Rebecca.

Hey, "Julie." You've never looked better.

Thank you.

Why are you here?

Uh, because I was invited. After I showed up, so...

Listen, your dumb little lie

really fucked up my relationship with my sister, so...

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, don't bullshit me, all right? Sasha told me everything.

- Yeah. - Shit.

Oh! And by the way, did you ever finish Where the Crawdads Sing?

No.

Great. Um, Kya's the murderer, so...

What was that about?

Did you tell Sasha that I lied to the tall sister?

What? Heck no.

Okay, I told...

- I... I mentioned it to him. - Oh my God!

- What did the idiot do? - He told her.

No. No. Not possible. He doesn't even know her.

Mm-mm. Pretty sure he knows her.

♪ If you wanna run away with me I know a galaxy ♪

♪ And I could take you for a ride ♪

♪ I had a premonition That we fell into a rhythm ♪

♪ Where the music don't stop for life... ♪

Miriam, we are plant mother twins.

And pasta is better cold. I love you.

♪...feeling like you need A little bit of company ♪

♪ You met me at the perfect time ♪

♪ You want me, I want you, baby ♪

♪ My sugar boo, I'm levitating ♪

♪ The Milky Way, we're renegading ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got you, moonlight You're my starlight ♪

♪ I need you all night Come on, dance with me... ♪

Miriam, I love you too.

Yes. And I literally don't know you,

but this is one of the best parties I've ever been to, so...

And you guys, just embrace how awkward these years are, okay?

Because you don't wanna peak at 13.

- No. - No, you wanna peak at our age.

- Twenty-three! Whoo! - Twenty-three! Whoo!

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got you, moonlight You're my starlight ♪

♪ I need you all night Come on, dance with me ♪

♪ I'm levitating ♪

Okay, y'all, we're gonna slow things down just a little bit.

Ask that special someone onto the dance floor.

- Come. - Me?

Yes.

♪ Oh ♪

- Uh-oh. Incoming. - May I?

Oh yes, of course. Please.

Hey, you wanna?

Oh. Yeah, why not? Good job.

- Oh wow. - Stuart's the man.

Okay. Wow.

You know how to lead. Nope, higher. Okay.

I didn't realize bat mitzvahs were so romantic.

Oh yeah. We Jews are full of surprises.

For instance, did you know

when you convert, you get to choose a new name?

You don't really have to use it, but it's a fun thing to have.

Blossom. I've always wanted to be named Blossom.

I should have told you. Sorry. It's gotta be a Hebrew name.

- It's the only catch. - Oh.

- Okay. That's exciting. I'll think on it. - It is exciting.

I can't wait for you to meet with the beit din,

and do the mikvah, learn about tzedakah.

I know those are all Hebrew words, but you will learn them soon.

- I will? - Yes.

- I'm gonna learn a whole new language? - I'm gonna teach you.

- You'll love it. - Okay.

I'm sorry. I'm not trying to overwhelm you. I'm just...

I'm so happy this is what you want.

It's beshert.

♪ I'll make love to you... ♪

Meant to be.

- Huh. - Yeah.

♪ And I will not let go... ♪

Yeah.

♪...tell me to ♪

Miriam.

Meerkat.

Mimi.

I'm so very proud of you. Today, you're an adult.

And while that may seem daunting,

turns out it mostly just involves canceling dinner plans.

But what it really means is that you finally get to decide for yourself

what's right and what's wrong.

And I trust you won't make those decisions lightly

because they can shape the rest of your life.

No pressure.

Good job, Miri.

Okay, everyone. We're gonna do the kiddush now.

Rebecca!

Wait.

Joanne.

Hi.

What?

I...

Can I just say I'm obsessed with you?

Um, even after you lied, which did really piss me off.

That was out of character for me. It was a really tough day.

It did really feel good to be bad though.

I can relate.

I have to admit I've been, like, a little bit obsessed with you too.

Are you serious?

- I never even considered that. - I looked you up online.

Your Venmo history is truly chaotic. It really shouldn't be public.

Yeah, I know. Yeah.

You know, you're the opposite of what he's always wanted.

And I get that that's exciting,

but I don't understand how that fits into his life.

Yeah, uh...

It's been tricky, but... I'm converting.

Oh. Bina told me.

Yeah. Was she excited?

- She's thrilled. - Yeah.

It's a... big move, Joanne.

You know, being with a rabbi...

It's not just his job. It's his whole life.

- What do you mean? - He represents the temple.

So you represent the temple. People look to you as an example.

Like a good example?

That's a lot of pressure.

You look so scared right now.

No, it... it should feel like good pressure. You know?

You're probably gonna live out my dream of being Mrs. Head Rabbi.

So... you win.

I hope it's what you want.

♪ When I get... ♪

Oh, Stuart. God!

Nice try, buddy. Give me that.

♪...without you... ♪

Oh, it's water.

Good job. Knew I could trust you.

Yeah, nice try, you fucking narc.

- Hi. - What did you... Oh, what's up?

Sup?

- Will you get outta here? - Hey.

Oh.

I don't like that kid.

He's got a lot of confidence, but I don't like him.

Oh, I love bat mitzvahs. There's so much free shit, you know?

Yeah.

Hey, um, thank you.

You know, for finally telling me the truth.

My sister was never gonna speak to me again, so...

That's all right. Happy to help.

She thought it was weird that we talk.

I'm telling you, it's not weird.

Okay, stop saying that it's not weird when we both know that it kind of is.

All right, fine.

It might be a little weird, but I enjoy talking to you.

Is that so bad?

No. No. I'm fun to talk to.

- There we go. Stuart-level confidence. - Can I have some of your drink? Give it.

There's no alcohol in that.

Yeah. I told you a hundred times. I'm California sober. Like Miley Cyrus.

Oh. So, are you high?

- Mm-hmm. - Can I have some?

- Yes. 100%. God. Cheers. - Cheers.

Those fucking sisters have got to go.

Miriam, what are you doing?

- What... - Oh shit.

Please don't ground me for saying fuck... I mean, shit.

Oh God. I don't even have the energy to even give a shit. Um...

What's going on with you?

I hate my bat mitzvah! I hate this dumb theme!

And I hate this stupid dress!

None of this is me.

Oh, buddy.

Honestly, babe, I don't know why I've been so caught up in playing by the rules

when no one else seems to be.

It's a bad theme. You're right.

And this dress is hideous.

I knew you didn't like it.

I know. And I'm so sorry I didn't say something sooner.

This is your day.

We're gonna fix it.

Give me those fucking scissors. What are we doing?

Yeah.

- Should I cut mine off? - Yeah!

Come on.

Rabbi Cohen.

I'm in.

I promise you I'm gonna be the best head rabbi this temple's ever seen.

Second best. I'll be the second best.

No. I... I do not feel threatened by you.

But you're about to go through a very long process...

Sure. Okay.

...and I am not able to guarantee the outcome.

The board has the final say, and they are very picky.

- Understood. - It's going to be you.

Mm-hmm.

Who would have thought

that when I was doing your bar mitzvah, it would end up here?

Me. I did.

- Thank you. - Yes.

Thank you.

Good man.

And you can have some of my sweets. I'm trying to get down to fighting weight.

And I ate some of them, but

these are safe.

Okay. Noted.

Thank you.

Mazel tov.

Hey!

- Hi. - I wondered where you went.

I have some big news to tell you.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay.

I'm gonna be the new head rabbi.

Oh my God!

Noah, that's so exciting!

- Thank you. Thank you. - Oh.

- You deserve it! - Mm.

Thank you.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Yeah?

Um...

There's something I need to tell you, and I wanna tell you. It's just hard.

I love you.

- You stole my line. - I'm sorry.

I love you too.

- But... - What? No but.

But... because I love you,

I can't convert.

I'm just not ready, and I, um...

In so many ways, I wanna be.

Okay.

But if I'm being honest,

I was only doing it for you.

And there's so many beautiful things about Judaism.

And... I'm just not there yet.

And I... I don't know if I ever will be.

Okay.

Okay. We'll slow it down.

We can figure it out.

How? Noah, how?

Tell me how this works if I don't convert.

I don't know.

Exactly.

I see what's at stake now.

You need me to be something that I can't promise that I can be.

And if I falter even a little bit,

your whole life blows up.

That's...

That's not fair to you.

You just told me you love me. What are you saying?

I'm...

I'm saying goodbye.

- No, Joanne. I don't... - Noah.

- I don't wanna lose you. - You can't have both.

And I would never make you choose.

Don't come after me, okay?

It's only gonna make it harder.

♪ I tried for you ♪

♪ Tried to see through all the smoke and ♪

♪ It wouldn't move ♪

♪ What could I do? ♪

- You heard too? - It's amazing.

I guess everyone...

♪ I touch your hand to pull your... ♪

Wonderful.

♪...into my hand ♪

♪ But now I can't say ♪

♪ Isn't it strange? ♪

♪ Isn't it strange? ♪

Look at you, huh? Man of the hour. Boss man.

Listen. I spoke to Cohen. He said everything's looking good.

What do you think of that? How's that feel?

- How's it feel? - I don't know how it feels.

Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet.

What are you talking about?

This is what you wanted your whole life. What are you telling me?

- I know. - Come on.

Oh my God!

- Who did this? - That would be me.

- Ilan, I need you. - We got an issue. You okay?

All right. Come here.

Mwah. I love this kid.

Oh my God.

♪ What did we lose? ♪

♪ If I could, I'd pull your strings For one more dance ♪

♪ But I can't say ♪

♪ Isn't it strange? ♪

♪ Isn't it strange? ♪

♪ You look at me ♪

♪ I look at you ♪

♪ With nothing to say... ♪

♪ Isn't it strange ♪

♪ How people can change ♪

♪ From strangers to friends ♪

♪ Friends into lovers ♪

♪ And strangers again? ♪

Missed the shuttle.

Had to run.

I told you not to follow me.

But you didn't mean it.

So how does this work?

Well, you were right.

I can't have both.

♪ But that's just life ♪

♪ I lived it twice ♪

♪ I treat you right ♪

♪ The way you taught me ♪

♪ That's just life ♪

♪ I lived it twice ♪

♪ So say good night ♪

♪ Don't say it softly ♪

♪ If you see her out there Behind the wheel ♪

- ♪ Driving getaway ♪ - ♪ Driving getaway ♪

♪ Oh God, I hope she escapes ♪

♪ The whole damn world is a cage ♪

♪ But that's just life ♪

♪ I lived it twice ♪

♪ I treat you right ♪

♪ The way you taught me ♪

♪ That's just life ♪

♪ I lived it twice ♪

♪ So say good night ♪