Original subtitles

What made you wanna be a rabbi, like, in the first place?

The goal was to be in the NBA, but, you know, that's all political.

Come on, I'm serious.

You know...

It's funny. I get a little self-conscious telling you this.

When I was little, I was a pretty nervous kid.

Bit of a scaredy-cat, if you will.

And the world seemed like a very chaotic and... and unsafe place to me.

And when I started paying attention to the lessons in the Torah

and, uh, was exposed to the rituals and the traditions,

it allowed me to view the world as a much safer and more meaningful place.

And I knew from a very young age

I wanted to spend my life trying to help keep it alive.

That's a great answer.

It was either that or all my mom's influence.

Anyways, excited to meet her?

I'm excited to meet both your parents.

Good. They're really important to me. I want it to go well.

Now you're making me nervous.

Don't be nervous.

Is it true what they say about Jewish boys and their moms?

I mean, we're pretty close.

You don't still kiss your mom on the lips, do you?

No. I mean, that's gross.

I was fine. Not nervous at all.

And then Noah freaked me out.

That's trash. That is trash. These are trash.

- Mm. Trash. - Yep.

- Trash. - Okay.

Tra... No, Mom. This is a jury summons. You have to respond to this.

Oh, I can't. I always side with the accused.

And don't worry, sweetheart.

You know, I loved meeting your father's parents.

It was easy-peasy.

Because they were both dead already.

Well, that's lucky. I just... I don't wanna screw it up.

I like Noah so much,

and it's a really important step to meet his parents.

And I don't know if we can be together if they don't approve.

Did you know he asked me if I'd consider converting?

To Judaism?

For my religion.

Oh, that's fun. Is it? I don't know.

I don't know either. I don't even know if I believe in organized religion.

Oh, preach.

Once again, you haven't given me any advice I can use, so I'm gonna go.

- Well, no, no. Oh, no. - I love you.

- Bye. - No, you can't go. You can't go.

Why not? She's got a life to live.

Oh, no! Come on. Hey! No, stay. Let's talk some more about religion.

- Help me. I asked you to stay focused. - Remember...

Is that her fucking car parked outside? You guys are unreal, okay?

- Like, seriously? - I had to.

I feel awful when you two fight.

I mean, I can feel my uterus ripping in two.

- What? - Morgan is dead to me.

Oh, okay.

I don't know if I'm gonna be able to record the podcast with her,

knowing that our listeners won't be able to trust

a word that comes out of her mouth.

What makes you think I wanna do the podcast

when every story you tell puts our audience to sleep?

Okay? It's like, nobody cares which aluminum-free deodorant you like the most.

- I'm sorry, was that a diss... - Yeah.

...or just another lie? I can never tell with you.

You know that I'm not a liar, right?

- Oh, of course, honey. - Thank you.

But you have always been a bit of a storyteller.

Remember back in fifth grade

when you told everyone that I was in Wham!?

- I do. - Oh, I loved that one.

I am just trying to help you,

but you refuse to accept the fact that Noah lied to you, okay?

- The truth is going to come out. - Get your finger out of my face.

I'll put it wherever I want. Deal with that.

Okay, I can't stay here anymore. I have a date tonight anyway

with one of the guys that I met on the "desperate dating" apps.

And he happens to be a hot, professional baseball player

for the Pittsburgh

team.

I dated a baseball player once. Most erotic time of my life.

Wow, thanks a lot.

I honestly cannot believe you did that.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, I need to... Why are you hiding in the bathroom?

Oh, I get it. You don't want your wife to hear us talking.

What? No. All right, yeah.

So I just haven't told Esther that we're friends yet.

Why are you calling me?

Okay, so, um, what's the deal with Noah and Rebecca?

- Are they talking again? - What do you mean?

If I tell you something, I need you to swear

you're never gonna repeat it to anyone.

- Not Noah, not Esther, like, nobody. - 100%.

I just need to let you know I've never successfully kept a secret before.

Keep that in mind before you tell me.

Okay. Okay. Well, so I ran into Rebecca last week.

Oh, okay, that is juicy.

Yes. I talked to her. Well, Julie talked to her.

Okay, who's Julie?

I'm Julie, but Rebecca didn't know that.

She basically told me her and Noah are getting back together.

What? No way. No. Noah would have told me.

He tells me everything. I'm like his rabbi.

Although, what if he's hiding that from me?

God, that's a hard pill.

I don't know, but get to the bottom of it.

Let me know what you find out.

And don't mention my name.

Okay. All right. I will, but you can't mention my name.

Sorry, why would I mention your name?

I don't know. You said it, and it felt like I should say it back.

Okay, bye. Thanks, weirdo.

Bye, talk later.

What's that?

A gift I thought you could give my mom.

- Noah. No. - Well?

- Wanna tell me what's in the box? - Absolutely not.

Please let me do my thing, okay? I'm an excellent gift-giver.

- Okay. - Trust.

You ring the doorbell at your own house? You don't just walk right in?

Without announcing ourselves? Are you...

- What's... - Sorry.

Okay, deep breath. I got ya.

Ah! Welcome.

- Hey, hi. - Hi. Hi.

- Hello. - Hey.

Here's my baby.

- Oh, hello. Hi. - Here's my baby.

Mwah!

Hi.

- You feel too thin. - Good? No, swole.

And you must be the famous Joanne.

Ah, guilty. I'm happy to sign an autograph if you'd like, Mr. Roklov.

- Please, call me Ilan. - Thank you.

Mom, this is Joanne. Joanne, this is my mother, Bina.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Bina.

Please, call me Mrs. Roklov.

- Okay. Um, I brought you a gift. - Yeah.

Oh, thank you. How nice. Heavy.

- It is. - Is it food?

- It is. - Come on in.

- Should we take it to the kitchen? - I love to eat.

- Yeah. - We all love to eat.

Well, I hope you like it. I... I was very excited about it.

It's, um, spoiler alert, a custom-made charcuterie board

that I had designed for this occasion.

It'll be perfect for lunch.

Oh. Oh! Uh... Is this pork?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's prosciutto.

- Uh-huh. - Prosciutto is pork.

What?

Come on.

I thought prosciutto was fancy Italian beef.

- I wish. - Vera, dear.

Uh, please throw this in the trash.

Oh, hold on, Vera.

Uh, is it possible that we could maybe just eat, like, around the pork?

- The berries are so fresh. - Mm-hmm.

Thank you, my dear. But you see, it's already been all tainted by the pork.

Uh, Joanne also brought you this.

- What? - Yeah.

Now, this is a beautiful gift. Thank you.

- Hi! - You're welcome.

Sasha, Esther, look what I got from your brother.

I'm pretty sure prosciutto is beef.

No, it's definitely pork, but it's beautiful.

Kids, thank you. That's just so thoughtful.

- Hey! - Hey, buddy.

- Where's Miriam? - At bat mitzvah tutor.

Our little girl's big day is coming up.

- Yeah. - Can you believe?

I've never been to a bat mitzvah before. It sounds so fun.

It's gonna be a very important day.

Yep, it will. You know, they get boring. You wouldn't wanna come.

- I think the hora gets pretty lit. - It's a beautiful simcha.

Yeah, but they're mostly... Thank you both. It's mostly boring.

Mom, I'm gonna give Joanne a tour.

I'd love that.

Sasha, dear. I would like you to mix us some drinks

while I put away this lovely gift that my son gave me.

Uh, yes. How about a very large glass of wine?

Red would be great.

No. We do not serve red in this house because there have been incidents.

- It was Esther both times. - Okay. Thanks, everyone.

White is just fine, then.

Esther, sweetie, would you please cut up some of the cucumbers?

- You talking to me? - Uh-huh.

- In your kitchen? - Mm-hmm.

- And you're not being sarcastic? - No, sweetie. I trust you.

You know what you're doing.

Well, all right.

Yeah. Don't fuck it up.

No, I won't. It's just cucumbers. How could it be ha... hard?

And now for the best part of the tour, my old bedroom.

- Oh wow! - Right?

- Wow, wow, wow! - Right? Yeah. As you can see, I was cool.

- Um, this is a canopy bed. - Yep.

This was the bed you wanted when you were 17?

No, but, uh, my mom picked it out. And when she bought it, then it was here.

- Ah. - Yeah.

You never told her it wasn't what you wanted?

Uh... I didn't wanna hurt her feelings.

I love that you protect your mom, but it's okay to push back sometimes.

You could've been sleeping in a race car bed.

I would've killed for a race car bed.

So when you brought girls up here, you just hooked up under this canopy?

Oh yeah. They loved it.

We'd hook up there.

We'd hook up above it, below it, beside it.

- No, there's never been a girl in here. - There's ne...

- I'm your first? - Mm-hmm.

- Welcome to the canopy. - Wow!

It's all part of my plan.

Brunch is ready.

And that bed is meant for one.

- That's why no girls. - Sorry.

Can't believe I'm finally the good daughter-in-law

now that Joanne's around. The power's kind of, like, intoxicating.

Do you think Joanne's gonna stick around? Rebecca and Noah are completely done?

Why would you even ask that?

I don't know. It's just something I heard.

From where? What do you mean you heard?

Nothing. I mean, I didn't hear it

like in, you know, like a real sense of hearing.

It... It's just that, like, I heard it in the sense that it was like

a psychic vision or a premonition or something.

You know how that happens sometimes?

Babe, do you know what's actually really funny?

Okay. Rebecca saw the dumb sister.

Pretended not to know who she was.

And told her just, like, a bunch of lies about her and Noah just to fuck with her.

It's amazing.

My God. Women are scary.

Hey, hey. You need to promise me you are not gonna repeat that.

Yeah. No. No, no, no. Of course not.

That's just like...

That's just really juicy information that people would kill for,

and I'm just not gonna do anything with it or tell anybody.

Okay. Great.

So here we are.

Yep.

It's okay.

Wow!

Everything looks incredible.

- Doesn't it? - Thank you.

- Yeah. - You gotta try my mom's famous pâté.

- Oh. - She makes it from scratch.

- Oh, okay. - Try a little sample of that.

It's chopped liver.

- Mmm. - Right?

Wow!

I can smell it from here.

That is so good.

So tell me,

Joanne, what exactly is your religion?

Well,

I guess, um, religion was never really anything I grew up with.

We celebrated Christmas, but that was the only holiday

I can ever remember my parents getting into.

And your parents are divorced now, isn't that right?

No, they're separated.

Uh, but it's probably permanent since my dad is gay.

Ah.

- Esther, could you pass the fruit, please? - With pleasure.

Mm. And this is what your, uh, your podcast is about?

My gay dad? No. Sadly, I think that one's been done.

- Ah. - Um...

It is about sex and relationships in the modern world.

And this is how you make money?

Talking about what you do

behind closed doors with sex and men in front of the whole world?

I mean, people actually pay to hear this?

Yeah. That's how I make money.

Uh-huh.

How do you make money?

Oh mama!

Mmm. Mm-mmm.

Who seasoned these cucumbers? Fabulous.

Well, I was... busy raising children,

which I know is not as important

as talking about all my former lovers for public consumption.

Honestly, it's embarrassing. No woman should act this way. Airing...

Mom, enough.

You'll excuse me.

Oh my God!

I am gonna remember this moment for the rest of my life.

I would like to officially invite you to Miriam's bat mitzvah.

Being around you makes me look like a goddamn angel.

Well, I'm gonna go talk to your mother.

- I will. - Whoa.

This is between her and me.

Actually, I wasn't really gonna talk to her.

I'm gonna take a little nap.

It's okay.

How dare you come into my kitchen unannounced?

How is that prosciutto?

Is it good?

- No one will believe you. - Mm.

Food's getting cold, so...

Think I'm gonna head back in.

Joanne.

Joanne.

Joanne.

You're not gonna believe what I walked in on.

Don't listen to a word she says.

She was trying to clean the kitchen while we were still eating.

Can you believe that?

My girl, Bina.

Don't worry. She gave me permission to call her that.

And, Bina, you have such an amazing family.

Which I expected, seeing how you raised Noah

to be the extraordinary man he is.

Let me get your chair.

Just want you to be comfortable.

Mmm, this is delicious.

What is happening?

I have no idea.

- Should I check on Dad? - Don't bother, sweetheart.

He wakes up at 6:00.

We'll eat another meal, and then he'll fall asleep.

Somebody ate all the prosciutto off the charcuterie board.

What?

Oh yeah. That was me.

Um, I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.

I hope you can forgive me.

But it was in the trash.

Yeah. Yes.

And I... I fished it out of the garbage, and I ate it.

Like a raccoon.

Joanne, you're so remarkable. How is it that you are not married?

Um, if I'm being real, probably...

...I'm a hopeless romantic.

I just haven't found the right mother-in-law yet.

Mom, are you all right? You having a stroke?

No, I'm laughing because Joanne is funny.

Is this the tone of your podcast?

Like, if I were a guest, what would you do?

My sister and I would start by putting you at ease.

Um, like, Esther, pretend you're my sister.

Oh! Yeah. Sure, I'll be whore number two.

- Esther, language. - No, it's an inside joke.

- Would you stop it? - Never mind.

So, first, my sister and I, we talk a little bit about ourselves.

And then we ask the guest to tell their stories.

I have a story.

Oh yeah. Mom's a storyteller. And there's always a lesson.

Thank you, dear.

When I was a young woman,

I went to New York City for the first time.

I was with my grandmother. The weather was awful.

And so, of course, what happens? She catches a terrible cold.

So I had to get vapor rub for her chest.

I went to the first pharmacy I saw at 51st and 6th, but they had nothing.

So I go back to the hotel, and Grandmother was asleep.

So, with nothing to do,

I go down to the lobby, and there is a bar.

Anyway, Frank Sinatra got me drunk. And then he stuck his thumb in my mouth.

- Oh. Wait, what? - Oh!

What was the lesson?

Keep your mouth shut around Frank.

Well, you being the bad one was short-lived.

Sorry, I'm so likable.

Hey, um, any chance I can rescind that bat mitzvah invite?

Having you there isn't benefiting me anymore.

Oh, no. I'll be there.

Well, I tried. Honey, don't forget the rugelach!

I got it!

- Bye, guys. - Bye. I haven't eaten in 20 minutes.

Text your sister, see if she'll come to dinner with us.

- No. - Come on. I hate that you're in a fight.

- What are you fighting about? - Nothing.

She's just a lying bitch

who's trying to get in between me and my bubala.

How do you know Morgan's lying?

If you knew the situation, you would get it.

Okay, well, I don't.

Okay, bye. Bye, Mama.

- See ya. - Bye, Sash.

Thank you for a lovely day.

Sorry I raised my voice.

- That was wrong. - It's okay.

Joanne, it is so nice to know you.

Right back at you.

And you have to give me the recipe for that pâté

because I can still taste it.

It's just chopped chicken liver.

Mmm.

- Bye, my son. - Bye.

To be honest...

...I like you so much more than I thought I would.

Oh, that's sweet.

But you're never gonna end up with my son.

♪ God, it's brutal out here ♪

♪ I feel like no one wants me And I hate the way I'm perceived ♪

♪ I only have two real friends And lately I'm a nervous wreck ♪

♪ 'Cause I Iove people I don't like And I hate every song I write ♪

♪ And I'm not cool, and I'm not smart And I can't even parallel park ♪

♪ All I did was try my best This the kind of thanks I get? ♪

♪ Unrelentlessly upset ♪

♪ They say these are the golden years But I wish I could disappear ♪

♪ Ego crush is so severe God, it's brutal out here ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Just having a really good time ♪

♪ Got a broken ego, broken heart ♪

♪ God, I don't even know where to start ♪