Original subtitles

♪

-What are you doing?

-Getting into bed with you.

-No.

Get your own bed.

[chuckles]

♪

Emmy...

If I don't wake up after the surgery,

I need you to pluck this chin hair,

right here.

See?

♪

[alarm beeping]

-[groans]

[gasps]

[sighs]

I think I'm having a breakdown.

-I know.

But it's after 7 now. It's time to get up, buttercup.

[upbeat synthesizer music]

-[in whiny teenager voice] I've gottNoooo!e already?

I don't want to!

-Get up! -[groans]

♪ Swans on the river dock ♪

♪ Feast upon the scraps of my wedding cake ♪

♪ Uh-huh... ♪

♪ And life goes on and on and on ♪

♪ And someone calls each take ♪

♪ And just when you think you got a hit ♪

♪ Hey, baby, hey baby ♪

♪ Here's the apocalypse ♪

♪ Here's the apocalypse... ♪

-Do you have any milk in this house,

or is it too small?

Of course he runs.

[chuckles]

Oh, nice tights.

-Oh, good morning.

How'd you sleep?

FERN: Not great.

This kink in my neck, it's just--

-Not great.

-Oh. Wanna go back upstairs?

-No! -Prude.

-Um, well, what's up? You okay?

-I just...

can't stop thinking about her.

-Aww!

-She died in her 60s--

-Late 50s.

-So that gives me, what? 25 years?

-Yeah, or you could not die of cancer

and just live a long, happy life?

[Fern and Emmy laugh]

-Okay, Jay. -Shit, I gotta go to work.

-Marketing emergency.

-Can we circle back to this existential crisis

later tonight?

-Yeah, sure.

FERN: You know, my cancer was very rare.

Only 200 people got it a year, the doctor said.

It was very top-shelf illness.

Not like your UTI.

[bean grinder whirring]

♪

EMMY: Obviously I wanted to make peace with my mother.

But I've been really busy.

I wanted to hike the Appalachian Trail,

but I had exams.

And then I needed a job to pay for law school,

which I only went to because she told me to.

And then she died before I graduated, which, honestly,

if you knew her, is so like her.

So when could I go hiking?

Uh...

no, I don't want my air ducts cleaned!

-Who keeps an office like this?

How can you find anything in this mess?

-[scoffs]

Can't you see I am very busy and important?

-Excuse me, Judge Judy!

-Wow, what's with the lipstick?

-I'm going to be a person who wears red lipstick now.

-[scoffs] It's coral.

-No, it's not, it's red. -It's coral!

-It's literally called "Red Hot"!

[knock on door]

Do you mind?

[clears throat]

[exhales] Come in.

Michael. Hi.

How is the constructive dismissal memo going?

-Who do we have here? -No.

-Yeah, just finished drafting.

-Did you find the Supreme Court case?

-Yep, I've included a copy.

-Fantastic. -So fantastic.

-Thanks again for bringing me along to the mediation.

-Yeah, of course.

Let me know if you need help drafting -Okay.ttlement.

-Come by any time.

♪

♪

-Feeling good? Everything good?

-Yeah, I'm, uh... -Great.

-I'm great.

-I love your lipstick.

-Thank you.

-Yeah, I love a good coral lip.

-Thank you.

-Okay! Performance review time! You excited?

Let's do this!

[chuckles]

-Isn't there somewhere else you can be?

-No. -Oh, oh, oh, what's that?

I think I hear Jude calling, -Okay, let's check your stats.

St-st-st-stats. [laughs]

Uh, do you feel like you've been giving?

Because you've been giving.

Your billies are way up from last year.

Noice!

-My billies?

-Yeah, it's just like a cute way of saying "billables."

Yeah. You'll use it.

And also your non-billies too.

So, partner feedback? Great.

Thorough research? Great.

Attention to detail?

Great, great, great, great, great.

Great rapport with your clients.

Says here you're Jack's go-to associate.

And Jack's a dick, am I right?!

-How big of a dick?

-This is all great.

Smiley face.

-Great! -Yeah, so great.

Now, you know what's not so great...

is you don't come to any of the firm functions.

Yeah, none of the parties.

-You don't go to any of the parties?

Is that because nobody likes you?

-Well, I've been focusing on my work.

-Ah, nerd.

-I'm usually here past 10 like every night.

-Yeah, for sure, for sure, for sure,

and that's great.

But the thing is, Shap-eye-ro--

-Shapiro. -Shapiro.

-Yeah, if you want to make partner,

people need to know who you are, right?

You need some face time with the sluts.

-What?

-The Senior Leadership Team. Right?

You need to make them feel like you're one of us, right?

-The SeYou're part ofp Team. the Schmendrick team.

-So... you want me to work less and party more?

-No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't work less.

Work as hard as you have been, but also party.

'Cause we want somebody who's gonna work hard and play húrd.

-Okay, uh, right.

Like, "Go hard or go home."

-But not go home.

Not go home, is what I'm saying.

Um, I'm gonna have to give you a score right now of five.

Not go home, is -Out of six?!ng.

-You wish. No, out of ten. Yikes.

So you're gonna wanna get that number up

if you wanna make partner, okay?

-What?! -Yeah.

-No! -Mm-hm.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I have to make partner.

-You're already not a doctor!

-I've been walking a straight line my whole life.

No missteps. None.

I-I didn't smoke in high school!

Everyone smokes in high school!

-I did.

-I missed my friend's bachelorette to write a factum

for a case that ended up settling

and I still had to pay my share! -Aww.

-I was late for my own mother's unveiling

because I was taking notes on a call,

and none of it matters if I don't make partner!

-Okay. Question.

What is an unveiling?

-It's a Jewish ceremony after someone dies

where they unveil the headstone.

I spoke beautifully.

-I hear you and I see you, Shapeeno, okay?

So keep working as hard as you are,

but just up, up your face time game, okay?

And then we'll reassess.

And I'll see you at the next party,

which is, let me check...

[clicks tongue]

Tonight! And it's black tie, alright?

Ciao-ciao.

-[under her breath] Oh my God.

[sighs] Shit.

Shit, Mom. You were right.

-Of course I was. About what?

-I was so scared to slow down -I was already disappointed.

-I assumed I wanted to make partner

because that is the thing, but I don't want to be her.

Do I really want to make partner?

Or do you just want me to make partner?

-What's the difference?

-Oh my God, what am I doing?

Do I even want this?

-Success?

You're already a lawyer, it's done.

-I'm only 32!

-And you're still not married.

-Oh my God! -My God.

[both sigh]

EMMY: I need a leave of absence to grieve.

-Oh no. Who died?

-My mom.

-I'm so sorry.

When's the funeral?

-Um, three years ago.

-Please know we take mental healMm-hm.y seriously.

-So... I-I can have time off?

-No.

FERN: Time off? Who takes time off?

Do you know what I did when my mother died?

Made dinner.

LARRY: Let's take a look at your vacation days.

Uh... oh! You've never taken a vacation?

You have 40 banked vacation days.

What-- that--

That's so many! That's a month and ten days.

-I just wanted to hit my billables.

-It's vital employees hit their targets,

but it's also important that they take care

of themselves. Yeah.

-How... exactly?

-Let's do this.

You take vacation.

And I don't have to fill out any paperwork.

Three weeks? How's-- how's that?

-Okay.

Um...

But I-I won't be vacationing.

I will be grieving.

Like crying.

A lot.

I won't be having any fun.

If you could, um, if you could just make note of that--

"No fun."

-Noted.

Mm-hm.

Anyways, enjoy your vacation, girl.

FERN: She won't.

LARRY: Yeah.

Thank you.

-Okay.

Enjoy your lunch.

-Thank you.

♪

-This sushi bad.

♪

-Hey.

-I'm on vacation.

-Oh yeah? Alright.

Well, I'll book off too.

We can go somewhere.

-Oh, circumcised.

-No, I think I'm just gonna grieve.

-Do you want me to grieve with you?

-No. You still have a mom.

And you didn't even know mine.

-Your loss, I'm fabulous.

-Well, do you have other plans, or...?

-I don't know.

But I don't think I like baths.

-Okay, so get out of the bath.

-And do what?

-Literally anything else.

-I don't think I want to be a lawyer anymore.

JAY: Okay, then... don't be a lawyer.

EMMY: You think I'm a bad lawyer?

-Nope. No.

I'm saying you can do anything you want.

-[laughs] No, you can't, darling.

-Okay, what do you wanna do? If you could do anything?

-I don't know. I...

I guess I've always wanted to be the kind of person

who rides a bike with a basket

and grows their own tomatoes...?

-Full time?

-I could restore furniture.

-Okay, okay, what kind of furniture?

EMMY: Like old furniture.

JAY: And where are we getting this furniture?

EMMY: I don't know, Facebook?

-And how are you gonna restore this furniture?

-With like a sander.

Whatever, I don't know, I would watch a video!

I could figure it out.

I can grow my own tomatoes.

FERN & JAY: You don't even like tomatoes.

-I like tomato sauce!

-[laughs] You know who you sound like?

Rachel the Meshugana.

-[sighs]

I just need to get over her.

-Nobody gets over their mother. You're not supposed to.

You need to go back to work.

-I'm on vacation!

-Hey, look, there's this thing where you throw breadcrumbp

for Yom Kippur.

You throw away your sins?

FERN & EMMY: Tashlich?

JAY: Yeah, that.

Maybe you just have to throw away your bad memories?

-Well, I'm not really one to throw away a carb, but...

-No kidding.

-This is for slapping me when I told you I got my period.

This is for making me wear

that heinous pink dress to my Bat-Mitzvah.

[sighs]

This is for telling me

all the women on your side of the family are beautiful

and I look just like my father.

This is for being strong

and opinionated and really fucking cool.

And this is for dying

before we even had a chance to like each other!

OFFICER: Whoa! What are you doing?!

-I'm... casting away bad memories.

-Yeah, well, the ducks can't eat those!

-Oh, I-I'm sorry.

I'm...

I'm really sorry.

-I-I'm going, I'm going. I was never here.

I was never here!

-They always run.

♪ Sorry I didn't call... ♪

-So?

That's what's keeping you from beYour period?ou are?

-Why did you slap me? -Because my mother slapped me!

-So you hit me for tradition?

-So it won't happen again.

What difference does this make now?

-It makes a difference to me!

-Oh, for God's sake. Who made you like this?

Your father.

-You! You made me this way!

-Of course. It's always the mother.

-[sighs] I don't feel well.

-You're fine. -No, I'm-- I'm dying.

-It's always about you.

-I'm sorry!

-I can't deal with you when you're like this.

-Wha...

Where are you going?

Uh...

Okay...?

Oh...

I'll see you later?