Original subtitles

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Mayan, I have one more guest for the wedding list,

my dear friend Celeste.

- The cashier from Ross?

- We have to invite her.

She gives me a discount.

- It's Ross. You don't need a discount.

There's too many people on this list.

We got to make some cuts.

I'm already eating Del Flaco instead of Del Taco.

- What's "Del Flaco"? - It's my usual Del Taco order,

just cut down to six burritos.

- Well, we still need to add guests from Quinten's side

once his parents get here from North Dakota.

And I don't want to hear any more jokes

about them being related to bison.

I'm serious.

Quinten's always worried about his parents' approval.

- Ay, it's always so awkward with his mom.

We never know what to say to each other.

- I wish we had that problem.

- Please welcome Bismarck, North Dakota's,

most famous high school sweethearts,

Sam and Ruthie Van Bryan.

- Aw.

We're not the most famous.

That would be Dave and Donna Prescott.

They own a Buca di Beppo.

- By the way, we invited them to the wedding.

- Can they cater it?

- Ha!

No, no, no. No, no, we don't--

we don't need them to cater.

We are self-reliant.

I manage this house like I manage the Apple Store.

Speaking of, my manager badge.

- Hi, Rosie.

- Oh, hi, Ruthie.

I got to go pee.

- So that's Dave and Donna and then you two.

Is there any more on your guest list?

No? That's great, thanks.

- [laughs]

George, we're going to invite

at least 120 people to this wedding.

- 120?

Why don't you invite half of Bismarck?

- That is half of Bismarck.

- Grandma! Grandpa!

- Oh, sweetie! - Oh, Chancie-pants!

- What did you bring me?

- I told him not to expect gifts

every time you guys visit.

It's not cutesy, mindful, or demure.

- We did bring you something, but first, I need to know,

do you have your driver's license?

- No, but neither does Grandpa, and that doesn't stop him.

- Well, buckle up, buttercup,

because we got you...

- A brand-new car.

Just like I sell at my dealership.

- Thank you. I'm gonna use this

to pick up all the honeys in my robotics class.

- I never had a brand-new car.

- It's just a toy, George.

- I never had a brand-new toy.

- Aw, Grandpa, I feel bad.

I'll let you wash and wax this baby later.

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- My parents are safely checked into their hotel.

- And the stairs are on the inside.

- Where are they staying?

- The Ritz.

- Your parents are staying at the Ritz

while I'm sitting here trying to trick my stomach

into believing this is three burritos?

- Did you know they were rich?

- If I did, I would have married him sooner.

- Hey, your parents are loaded, man.

How come they're not chipping in for the wedding?

- Because I told them how much it meant to you

to be able to pay for the wedding

as father of the bride.

- Why do you always have to listen to everything I say?

- Your wedding is getting expensive.

The Van Bryans should pay for half

if they're inviting everyone in Bisquick, North Dakota.

- So ask Mr. Monopoly and his hot trophy wife

to back that truck up.

- I can't.

When I moved out here to make it on my own,

my dad said it was a big mistake.

So if I ask him for money,

he's gonna think he was right.

- How touching.

Is that better than them squeezing

all the leche right out of me,

every dime, every lactose drop?

- Mayan, a little help here.

- I know how important your father's approval is.

But my parents have a point.

For the last nine years,

we haven't asked your parents for anything.

Meanwhile, my parents, who aren't rich,

have cooked, cleaned, and even babysat for us.

- Preach.

- All that help is easily worth--

- $287,000.55 pre-tax.

- So ask Mr. Monopoly and his hot trophy wife

to back that truck up!

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- Mother, Father.

I want to talk about the wedding.

- Well, doesn't everybody?

Excuse my language,

but it is a big honkin' deal.

- Yup, ever since I posted it on Facebook,

I got friends, I got customers at the dealership,

can't stop talking about the Van Lopez wedding.

- You posted a picture of me on Facebook.

And I'm not even a Chevy Malibu with zero down and 0.9 APR.

- We're proud of you, tiger.

You moved across the country without any help

and made a life for yourself.

- I've--I've never heard you say you were proud,

or call me "tiger."

- Better get used to it...tiger.

I got something for you.

- Oh, it's happening!

[laughs giddily]

- Yeah. Uh, here we go.

- Wh--your Chevrolet Spring Sales Event winner pin?

I thought you wanted to be buried with it.

- Yeah.

Well, now you don't have to steal it from my corpse.

No, I--I know you always wanted it,

but you had too much self-respect

to ask your ol' man for anything.

- So, uh, what'd you want to tell us about the wedding?

- You know, that we picked our napkins,

and they're beige.

- Strong choice.

* *

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- Quinten, welcome to my home.

Mi casa is parked outside of su casa.

- I'm hiding from my parents

and Mayan's parents

and Mayan

and the truth.

- From that Spring Sales Event pin on your shirt,

I'm gonna say this is about your relationship

with your father.

- Wow. That is insightful.

- Clearly, you killed him and took his pin.

- Less insightful.

The Lopezes want me to ask my parents

to help pay for the wedding,

but I am scared of disappointing my dad,

who is finally proud of me.

- I'm scared I'll die alone in this truck.

But I guess your dad thing is important too.

Let me give you the best advice I've ever received:

always lie.

Through your teeth, on the stand, out ya ass.

- I'm--I'm not a very good liar.

But I don't know if I have any other choice.

- You'll be fine.

I have complete faith in you.

See? Lying's not that hard.

The key is to keep it simple

so you don't have to remember a lot of details.

- It was 6:58.

The low evening sun cast long shadows across the kitchen.

The dew outside--

- Shut up about the dew!

What did your parents say about chipping in some money?

- They said no.

And they got really mad, so we should just

not ever speak about money again.

- What's that thing on your shirt?

- Oh, this? Uh, it's a pin--

that my dad stabbed me with for bringing up money.

- But I just saw your parents a few minutes ago

and they were all smiles.

- Oh...oh, th-that's how you know they're upset.

Because the madder they are, the bigger they smile.

- Really? Is that a North Dakota thing?

- Yeah, let's go with that.

Yeah, it's called... "North Dakota nice."

- I'm so sorry that they got so mad at you.

The fact that you were willing to ask is all we could want.

- I still want the money.

I'll ask. People like me.

They really like me.

- Nobody likes you.

I'll ask.

Now I have something to finally talk to your mom about.

- No.

Please, nobody bring up money with my parents.

We'll just cut costs.

We can consider getting married at the courthouse.

We have a nice dinner at Outback after.

- Ay.

- We'll do whatever we have to do.

- I do like the Outback.

Those onions are a-bloomin' this time of year.

- There is no way

that I am getting married at the courthouse.

I want to walk down the aisle, not through a metal detector.

- That's my girl.

I thought you were gonna support Quinten because of your

"healthy relationship that leaves ego at the door."

Blah, blah, blah, barf.

- You know, it took a lot for me to decide to get married.

I want my wedding to be special.

- Oh, I never thought I'd hear you say that.

- Quinten said that we can't ask the Van Bryans for money,

but we can manipulate them.

- That's my girl.

Thinking like a Lopez!

- Manipulation comes from my side of the family.

You can take credit for the excess facial hair.

- Uh.

* *

- Oh.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Don't mind me, just getting a little preview of the food

I'm gonna be picking out of your garbage later.

- Yeah, for the wedding, I'm preparing a tasting menu

of Latin American and North Dakotan cuisine.

- Two great tastes that taste great together.

- Thanks again for your advice, Oscar.

I feel bad for lying to everybody,

but it worked. [chuckles weakly]

- It always works and never blows up in your face.

- Is that a lie?

- No.

* *

- Look at them, being all North Dakota nice.

All that anger, it's ugly.

- Well, we'll beat them at their own game.

We'll be so nice that they'll assume we're mad,

ask what's wrong, and then we'll hit them

with the bill for the wedding.

- Then we're not the ones bringing it up.

- Mm-hmm.

- First you act all nice,

and then you get the money,

and then you get the power.

- When are we gonna start the tasting?

- Well, I think we're ready.

Would you like to help carry the plates, Gordo?

- I would, but I'm late to this important thing

in the living room.

* *

- OK, first,

from the North Dakota side of the family,

sour cream and raisin pie.

- Oh.

- This is my Grammie-Gram's recipe.

She's at the great potluck in the sky now,

serving this to the angels.

- I'm sure my tummy-tum is about to say yummy-yum.

[polite laughter]

- Mmm!

Mmm.

[strained] Mmm.

- You're so chatty tonight, Rosie.

- Mouths are for three things--

chatting, chewing, and smiling.

[polite laughter]

- Well, by gum... [chuckles]

This is delicious.

- Wow. You really love the pie.

OK, I'll mark that down as a winner for the wedding.

- Are we eating the same pie?

This is nasty.

- [laughs awkwardly]

- Even Churro won't eat it, and she eats her own poop.

[awkward laughter]

- Kids say the darndest things.

- Next up, from Rosie's Cuban side,

ropa vieja.

- Ooh.

- Mmm.

- Whoa!

Whoa.

That's got some kick.

What kind of spice do you use?

- It's salt.

- Mm-mm-mm.

- I mean, it's salt!

I use it on all of my dishes.

Isn't it delicious?

- [exhales heavily]

- We're just loving this cultural exchange.

- [hushed] It's not working.

They can't tell that we're mad at them.

We got to turn up the nice.

- I'm on it.

Sam?

- Ah. Yes, George?

- I love you.

- Wow. [laughs]

What is this, the Moose Lodge?

[laughter]

- What--what's happening?

- We're just being nice, like we always are.

- You're never nice.

- Yes, we are.

In fact, there's a name for this kind of nice.

- North Dakota nice.

Eh? - Ah, Dios m�o.

- What is North Dakota nice?

- Don't act dumb, Ruthie.

- Quinten told us that you pretend to be nice

when you're actually angry.

- I don't think we know what you're talking about.

- No, we're not angry--

wait.

Are you angry?

- Of course we are.

- Oscar, now would be a great time to interrupt

with some fruitcake cookies!

- You refuse to pay for my dream wedding.

I mean, Quinten and Mayan's dream wedding.

- We haven't refused to pay for anything.

Quinten, what are they talking about?

- It was 6:59.

A lone coyote howled in the distance--

- Let me give you the best advice I've ever gotten, man:

always tell the truth.

- Mom, Dad, um,

the Lopezes asked me to get you to help pay for the wedding,

but...I lied.

I-I never asked them.

- So I've been North Dakota nice for nothing?

I'm going back to being California cranky!

* *

[bluesy saxophone music]

- What is going on?

Why were you so afraid to ask us for money, pumpkin?

- [sighs] It j--

it just meant so much to me when you guys said

that you were proud of me that I-I worried

that if I asked for help, you would think less of me.

- Valid concern.

- Quinten, you are so gosh darn independent.

But can I let you in on a little secret?

As your parents, we would like to think

that you still need us.

Right, Sam?

- I'm good.

- Samuel Rudolph Van Bryan,

you make like a coupon and cut that out.

This is all your doing.

- Me?

- You don't tell Quinten that you're proud of him enough.

And to make up for that,

we would like to pay for half of this wedding.

And I don't want to hear a bug's burp about it.

- Yes, dear.

- That means a lot to me.

So thank you.

- You are welcome.

And since we're paying,

use that money to get a caterer.

- Yeah, one that doesn't use all those crazy spices.

Salt?

[overlapping arguing]

- Oh, look, it's the little white guy

who tells the little white lies.

- Deserved. I'm sorry.

OK? I--

I know it was wrong,

but I-I couldn't disappoint my parents.

- What about disappointing us?

- I don't care about that.

Because I know you'd forgive me.

You guys let me make mistakes, and you don't judge me for it.

- So you treated us worse because we're better?

- Pretty much.

- Ay, Quinten, I forgive you.

- Not me.

It'll be a cold day in hell before I forgive you.

- My parents are gonna pay for half the wedding.

- Ooh, is anybody else cold?

Ay, Quinten, I forgive you too, mijo.

- Mayan?

- Yes, I forgive you too,

but only because I feel really bad

that you had to watch our dads kiss.

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- Wat are we doing here, Dad?

- We had an idea for the wedding.

Why don't you do your first dance

to the same song your mother and I did?

- That's so romantic.

What was it?

- Polka!

[polka music playing]

- 5, 6, 7, 8.

- * Roll out the barrel *

* We'll have a barrel of fun *

- That's so sweet, but I-I don't want to impose

our cultural traditions onto the Lopezes.

- What are you talking about?

This sounds like norte�o.

[norte�o music playing]

- Ooh! This is like spicy polka!

- Hey, Sam, forget that Chevy.

Take this Cadillac for a spin.

What is this, the Moose Lodge?

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