Original subtitles

[MAKING INDISTINCT SOUNDS]

AND LIKE THE ALIEN SAID,

GO TO THE BLOTCH. THE BLOTCH KNOWS.

SO, I, LIKE, LOVE MY HUSBAND

AND CAME OUT HERE TO COMMUNE WITH THE BLOTCH.

All chanting: THE BLOTCH KNOWS.

THE BLOTCH KNOWS.

WHAT EXACTLY DOES THE BLOTCH KNOW?

UM...THE FUTURE?

I DON'T KNOW--[COUGH]--

IT'S REALLY HARD TO MAKE OUT, YOU KNOW.

[BLOTCH SCREAMS]

HE DOES THAT SOMETIMES.

[BLOTCH SCREAMING]

HEY, GOT BAD NEWS. YOU'RE FIRED!

HA HA HA HA!

GOTCHA. HA HA.

NO, YOU'RE NOT FIRED.

BUT YOU WILL BE, UNLESS YOU LIVEN UP THE SHOW.

SUBMISSIONS FOR NEXT WEEK'S SHOW.

THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING GOOD HERE.

AN UNUSUALLY FAT BABY. NO.

ANGRY MUTANT BEEF JERKY. NO!

OH, IT'S HOPELESS!

WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS THAT STUFF THAT CRAZY DIB KID KEEPS SENDING IN.

NO. NO! NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED THAT LAST TIME.

PIGFOOT!

OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

[SIGHS]

IT'S GOT TO BE BETTER THAN PIGFOOT.

GET THE VAN. I THINK WE'VE GOT SOMETHING.

NOW, HARDER HITTING, FASTER PACED,

AND EVEN MORE MYSTERIOUS.

ARE WE ALONE IN THE UNIVERSE?

TONIGHT, WE'LL SHOW YOU SOME INTRIGUING VIDEO

THAT MAY JUST ANSWER THAT VEXING QUESTION.

[MAKING SOUNDS]

YOU'RE MY WITNESS!

HE IS AN ALIEN.

I HAVE HIM ON TAPE. I HAVE YOU ON TAPE WITNESSING IT.

THANKS TO A HORRIBLY LARGE-HEADED BOY NAMED DIB,

WE HAVE A NEW PIECE IN THE PUZZLE THAT IS

THE SEARCH FOR ALIEN LIFE.

I SET OUT TO INVESTIGATE.

KIDS PLAY WITHOUT FEAR

IN THE STREETS OF THIS HUMBLE HAMLET.

IN FACT, IT'S THE KIND OF PLACE

WHERE YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LOCK THE DOOR.

WHO ARE YOU? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

OH, WOW!

YOU'RE HERE!

I KNEW ONE DAY YOU'D COME.

I KNEW IT.

YOUNG DIB HAS BEEN CHRONICLING THE PARANORMAL

NEARLY ALL OF HIS BRIEF LIFE.

SO WHEN A GREEN KID CLAIMING TO BE A HUMAN BOY WITH A SKIN CONDITION

ENTERED HIS CLASSROOM,

HE SAYS HE WAS PREPARED.

LOOK, HE'S SO...GREEN.

HELP US CLEAR UP WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT.

I WAS MONITORING SOME OF THE HIGHER FREQUENCY RADIO WAVES

WHEN I PICKED UP ON AN ALIEN DISTRESS SIGNAL.

SO I WENT OUT WITH GAZ... SHE'S KIND OF MY SIDEKICK.

Actor Dib with lower voice: WE ARE CLOSE NOW.

I FEEL IT IN MY BRAIN.

Actress Gaz: OOH, GOLLY!

WHAT IS THAT?!

STAY BACK, GAZ.

LOOK, GAZ, YOU ARE MY WITNESS.

HE IS AN ALIEN!

I HAVE HIM ON TAPE.

I HAVE YOU ON TAPE WITNESSING IT.

EEEEE! OOOOHHHH! AAAHHH!

HE TRIED TO WRESTLE THE VIDEO AWAY FROM ME,

BUT I WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM.

DIB, THE GLOW!

Anchor: ALIENS. THAT'S QUITE A CLAIM.

ARE YOU PREPARED TO DEFEND IT?

I THINK MY VIDEO SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.

THIS...YOUNG MAN DENIES YOUR ACCUSATION.

WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?!

HE'S THE ALIEN!

I CAME TO PUT A STOP TO ALL YOUR ALIEN TALK.

WHEN WILL THE LIES END?

WELL, ZIM, I GUESS MY FIRST QUESTION IS...

ARE YOU AN ALIEN?!

LIES! THE FILTHY EARTHBOY LIES!

I MEAN...NO.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE VIDEO?

Zim: I WAS OUT PLAYING, LIKE ANY NORMAL EARTH LARVAE,

WHEN HE CAME LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.

HEY, NEW KID, GIVE ME YOUR LUNCH MONIES.

BUT I NEED THESE MONIES TO BUY NUTRIENTS.

GIMME THE MONIES OR I'LL TELL EVERYONE

YOU'RE AN ALIEN.

LEAVE ME ALONE. I JUST WANT TO PLAY.

FINE.

LOOK, GAZ, YOU ARE MY WITNESS.

HE IS AN ALIEN.

I HAVE HIM ON TAPE.

I HAVE YOU ON TAPE WITNESSING IT.

BOO HOO HOO HOO.

THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!

HE LIES!

CALM DOWN, YOU TWO.

YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS!

SILENCE, YOU TINY BRAIN...

HEAD!

WHAT ABOUT THAT GLOWING THING?

LOOK AT IT. THAT'S NO HUMAN GLOW.

WE ASKED AN EXPERT.

POSSIBLY A WEATHER BALLOON.

OR SWAMP GAS.

SWAMP GAS?

HE'S CRAZY.

ASK ANYONE IN OUR CLASS.

DIB? YEAH...

HE'S PRETTY CRAZY.

HE TOLD ME MY DADDY WAS A YETI.

MY DADDY'S NOT A YETI!

HE'S NOT A YETI! WA HA!

WHAT'S UP WITH HIS HEAD?

WELL, DIB, I GUESS THE QUESTION FOR YOU IS...

ARE YOU CRAZY?

OF COURSE THEY SAY I'M CRAZY.

THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY ABOUT VISIONARIES.

WHAT'S HE DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING,

CALLING YOUR SPACE FRIENDS?

NONSENSE. IT'S MY MEDICATION.

[PAINFULLY SWALLOWING]

COME ON, BOYS. THIS IS NATIONAL TV.

SOME PEOPLE'S JOBS ARE ON THE LINE.

THIS IS INSANE.

YOU'VE GOT TO TALK TO MY SISTER.

SHE SAW THE WHOLE THING.

Anchor: ZIM, TORMENTED CHILD WITH A SKIN CONDITION

OR SCALY DEMON FROM THE STARS?

DIB, MISUNDERSTOOD VISIONARY

OR RAVING LUNATIC?

PERHAPS ONLY THIS LITTLE GIRL KNOWS.

EXCUSE ME.

GO AWAY!

[Anchor spitting out dirt]

I WANTED TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR BROTHER.

MAYBE YOU CAN SET US STRAIGHT

ON THE WHOLE CRAZINESS ISSUE.

UGHH! UGHH!

GAZ, AFTER WHAT YOU SAW,

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOUR BROTHER GOT PROOF

OF INTELLIGENT EXTRATERRESTRIAL LIFE?

INTELLIGENT--NO.

MY STUPID BROTHER DID DRAG ME OUT

TO LOOK FOR STUPID ZIM.

HE DIDN'T MAKE THAT PART UP.

DUH...!

DUH...!

Both: DUH...SHINY.

HA HA HA HA.

[MORE EXCITEDLY] DUH?

AHEM. LOOK, GAZ, YOU'RE MY WITNESS.

HE IS AN ALIEN.

I HAVE HIM ON TAPE.

I HAVE YOU ON TAPE WITNESSING IT.

DUH...?

HUH? OH.

IT LOOKS LIKE WE'LL NEVER KNOW

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED THAT NIGHT.

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR WATCHING

WHAT WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY BE THE FINAL EPISODE

OF MYSTERIOUS MYSTERIES.

[WHISPERING]

UH, IT SEEMS WE HAVE A SURPRISE WITNESS

WHO WAS THERE AND CLAIMS TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

Dib: BUT HE WORKS FOR THE ALIEN!

RESTRAIN HIM!

[GIR SCREECHES IN GREETING]

NOW, WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT DIB?

DIB'S ALL MEAN TO MY MASTER.

HE NOT NICE TO ZIM.

I SEEN IT.

DIB IS BAD. HEE!

AND ABOUT THE NIGHT IN QUESTION?

Gir: I WAS A CHUBBY LADY HIDING IN THE BUSHES.

UH-HUH. AND WHAT ABOUT DIB?

I'M ON TV!

YES. THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

THAT'S WHEN THE GIANT SQUIRREL SHOWED UP.

Zim: GIR!

LET HER TALK. CAN'T YOU SEE SHE'S UPSET?

NOW, DON'T YOU MEAN DIB SHOWED UP?

NO. THE SQUIRREL SHOWED UP FIRST,

THEN DIB SHOWED UP.

AH! OH, MAN!

WHAT IS THAT THING?!

AND THEN THE SQUIRREL ATE DIB'S GREASY HEAD.

AHHH!

AND THEN THE SQUIRREL FLEW AWAY!

AFTER THAT, HE WENT BACK TO HIS HOME PLANET

TO FIGHT ALL OF THE BAD GUYS.

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

ME AND THE SQUIRREL ARE FRIENDS.

[THINKING OUT LOUD] I'M SO FIRED.

WELL, THE ONLY CONCLUSION I CAN COME TO

IS THAT DIB IS CRAZY!

THIS ONE HERE, DEFINITELY CRAZY.

I FEEL BAD FOR THE UGLY GREEN KID,

BUT THERE'S A DECENT CHANCE HE'S CRAZY, TOO.

BUT NOT AN ALIEN?

NOPE.

JUST CRAZY. OKAY.

YEEE!

NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE.

MAYBE I'M CRAZY!

WHOOOO! AHA!

CRAZY!

[MAKING GURGLING SOUNDS] CRAZY!

WE'RE SO CANCELED.

I THINK THIS IS THE BEST WORK YOU'VE DONE!

CRAZY GETS GOOD RATINGS!

GIMME MORE LIKE IT!