Original subtitles

That's the home castle of my family,

the Dartagnon family,

and that's the coat of arms with the beech

which my father showed one day.

Look, my son,

that's very important

for a Dartagnon,

and he laughted when saying this.

I did not know what he meant

but I turned red.

Besides my father, I was

the only man on the property.

I was meant to take over one day.

I only had one wish though:

to become Musqueteer of the king.

That's why I wanted to become strong,

honouring king and country.

It was fall,

the last harvest was to be brought in,

all the servants on the field.

Even His Eminence the Cardinal insisted on doing his bit.

But your eminence,

I haven't even had a chance to wash my legs today.

That doesn't matter, my child. Everything about you is delicious nature.

That tickles, your eminence.

Young Lordship, sweet.

Yvonne,

I wonder what she's doing here.

Oh, good gracious.

Hello.

I'm in a hurry.

What's got into her?

That crazy female.

I could not comprehend what was happening to me.

I had to investigate.

It was unbelievable. It had become so big and hard like a

catapult. I remembered I had put some acorns in my pocket,

so I took them out to see if I could use it as a

slingshot with which to shoot them into the water.

It worked.

What are you doing?

Huh?

It's supposed to be a slingshot.

Mind demonstrating it to me once?

All right.

Very good.

- If you ask me, you're a good shot. - You're bringing me luck. It works even better.

That isn't a slingshot.

It's not a slingshot, but I used it as one.

No.

Believe me, it's a flute.

The witch.

But I don't understand.

Darling, I'll explain everything.

Maybe it's time

I played your

slingshot.

You old hag!

Just you wait!

Blanche!

Blanche!

I can't wait to tell you what I just saw!

D'Artagnan has became a man at last!

Well, what do you know!

Good wine.

You're right.

The wine was good.

The women were good.

And even the songs were good.

Ah, yes. Which reminds me of a remarkable story.

It all happened long before I became a musketeer. I have always had a certain weakness

for old convent. As a young man, I used

to love entering the convents through the windows.

And I always did my best to satisfy those famished

angels. Freely bears couldn't have

been hungrier.

Well, on this evening about which I wanted to tell you, I was afraid I'd made a

mistake and found into a monastery.

For men?

Well, I would have been at a loss.

I don't have to tell you what I'm fond of.

Well,

then, I saw a ray of light.

I went toward it.

The suspense was immense.

And it was a monastery.

Just your luck.

But

that's not the whole story.

They seem to be performing a strange dance ritual.

They kept going around in a circle,

like lunatics.

What finally happened? Well?

Well, the first man kept shouting something.

I didn't understand it.

I always knew you were not very intelligent.

It was only a matter of time.

Well,

in the end,

the reason for the dance was as clear as day.

Speak up, man.

Would you like to know what he said? Come on, tell us. Very well.

Brothers, close the gaps in the circle.

I must be on my way, love.

Perhaps our paths are meant to cross again.

Young man, you're a brilliant student.

And women are going to like you, royalty in particular.

Just a minute.

What do you want?

Oh, what's the matter with you?

A gypsy woman took my slingshot and ruined it.

Oh, that is very sad. Follow me in here. I'll fix it.

How? It's just about the easiest thing in the world.

Come here.

If I'm to help you, you'll have to take off your things.

I know.

I'll turn around,

It's very pretty, didn't I tell you? It's almost all right again.

Come here.

Do you notice any difference?

Everything is young and alive.

Now what?

That reminds me of something a long time ago.

In a monastery.

We know.

Of course, I don't like climbing walls at all.

It's not that I couldn't climb anything I wanted, but you know, I did.

I saved myself the trouble.

Go on, tell us the story. Continue.

Yes, but where was I? At an interesting old monastery.

That's right.

Yes, a monastery I was passing.

Well, I saw a window and looked in.

Through it, I could see the cellar of the chapel.

Oh, what?

You can't imagine what was going on.

I saw some monks lined up.

And before them, an altar or something that

looked like it, except for one little light.

I could hardly believe my eyes.

A stark naked woman lay on that altar.

How do you like that?

Yes, and silently I took a closer look.

They were playing some kind of game.

They were trying to hit a kettle, but the pellets

were released by slapping the girl on her tummy.

Missed.

Wham!

Bullseye!

What a brutal game. How idiotic.

You know,

we could try it out with the two of you. Can you or your sister shoot the farthest?

Oh, but I have got the end of my story yet!

All of a sudden, the garden of the monastery arrived with an

armful of vegetables.

Some more pennants, brothers.

That night I could not fall asleep.

The events of the preceding day occupied my every thought.

The frogs in the moat seemed louder than usual, warning me of something.

D'Artagnan!

I can't explain. Ever since yesterday, all I've been able to think about is you, and here you are.

Where did you learn that?

My days were sunny and blonde,

my nights dark and brunette.

I could not understand myself. I no longer had my full heart in my little game.

My thoughts kept wandering to the musketeers.

I long to be astride more noble horses

and to fight for my king

and my country.

And my tale?

Tell it to us.

Well,

on no occasion have I ever claimed to have sneaked

into a convent. I went in through the main gates.

Aramis,

musketeer of the king, uninfection. Good idea.

The prior conducted me through the monastery. He showed me all the chambers.

That is all but one. Why? I noticed he was trying to divert my attention from it.

So I insisted.

Well, he had no other choice, so he opened the door.

What happened?

A naked girl was sitting in the center of the room.

About her stood a number of monks, undressed.

They stood there in silence. And in the far corner

of the room, another monk. He was facing the wall.

Well, I asked the prior what it all meant.

Well, it's this way, sire. We, too, are only flesh and blood.

And although it's not sanctioned, we have permitted a slight dissipation once a week.

We've introduced the following.

Do you hear the buzzing sound? Well, it's a bee.

The first one who's been is the bee lab, son.

Well, he's the lucky one.

Yes, but would you please explain why that

one monk is standing over there in the corner?

He was cheating.

And that's his punishment.

He had the nerve to spread honey on his equipment.

Good night.

Huh?

My dear son,

have you given any thoughts, whatever, to plans about your future?

No, I haven't.

I have more than enough to do with our estate.

I have a feeling it's not the right thing for you, my son.

I don't understand, father.

You know what I mean, young man.

I'm talking about your excessive love affairs,

your tomfoolery.

Oh, it's that.

But what am I to do?

Well, my son, I'm going to write a letter to Monsieur de Terville tomorrow.

As captain of his majesty's musketeers, he'll

accept you in his company and look after you.

As soon as I have his reply, you will get on your horse and go straight to him.

His majesty's musketeer.

I think I'd like that very much, father.

I began preparing myself for the life of a musketeer immediately.

D'Artagnan,

this will probably leave a scar.

I'm so sorry, Yvonne. Come here.

Don't cry.

A musketeer requires three things. Let me guess them. All right.

Well, first,

a fine horse, a

sword, and a girl.

You forgot to mention wine.

When the girl happens to be an innkeeper,

well, then wine is of no importance.

You're all right.

Well, let's have some wine.

Come on, hurry up. I hope you like my wine.

Here.

And you can have as much as you want.

You must tell me how good it is, love.

Darling, it's not the first time I've made a musketeer happy.

Burgundy.

First grade.

What were you saying?

What did you say about making a musketeer like me happy?

That's it.

Look, it's a frog!

It tickles terribly!

And then came the day for me to take leave.

Good evening.

Good evening, sire. How may I be of service? Good evening.

A pint of Burgundy, please. Yes, sire. You will find our Burgundy the best in this area.

All right.

We shall see.

There you are, sire. Please sample it.

Thank you.

But first I must go to the stable and look after my horse.

You don't like to waste time.

Well, you seem to know what you want. I gather you must be a member of the cavalry.

D'Artagnan, His Majesty's musketeer.

I mean, I am now on my way to become one of them.

I shall put in a good word for you with.

Monsieur de Treville. That would be most charming.

I feel greatly inclined to demonstrate my fondness for you right here and now.

What must the musketeer of His Majesty d'Artagnan do when he has the honor of being with

the Countess Madame de Voyeur in a stable at night?

He will be at her service, Countess.

That's what I meant, d'Artagnan.

But you mustn't be shy.

Are you afraid, D'Artagnan?

The whip over there.

It's what I want.

Well...

Thank you, my chubby one.

Why not? I have everything most girls have, and lots more of it.

But you're in the same boat. Well, you

know, big men like me always burst with vitality.

Really? Your vitality, you talk about it all the time.

But I'd like to see the proof of the pudding.

Oh, you women always want the proof of everything. You know such proof can have

serious consequences. Yes, but before any consequences

can be detected, it sure is a lot of fun.

Hmm? Why didn't you try and show me what's offered? And who

knows, maybe I'll work up an appetite. Yes,

appetite. I have enough for the two of us.

Help yourself.

Luscious.

I have the feeling it's what you like.

What a pretty ribbon.

Exquisite.

I know there's another one, isn't there?

You witch, you're terrible when you know that?

Drive me wild.

Yes, I'd eat anything for one of your legs and two of your dumplings right now.

A leg of ham and two of your wonderful dumplings just this size.

And put some cheese on it.

We have to get on our way today. To his majesty, or

to a battle. Yes, to a battle. Sixth mission.

I won't go into the matter. I'm a woman. Yes, but

I'll be back.

I hope so,

Armin.

You're a big man.

You're very virile.

And you're also the kind of lover I love.

You're always considered and tender

and brutal at the right moment.

Yes, you are.

Yes.

You have but one fault,

darling.

You prefer boys.

So I prefer boys, huh?

I'll show you!

I met an old man.

Good afternoon, sir. Good afternoon, my boy.

Come right in. Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

A pint of wine.

I'm afraid you ought to relax, son.

The barmaid's upstairs, busy with other things.

Are you one of His Majesty's musketeers?

Exactly, my boy.

In his majesty's service.

Here.

Thank you, sir.

My name is D'Artagnan.

I'm on my way to your captain. He has agreed to let me join his men.

A disastrous group.

Nobody wants any part of them.

They avoid combat, and your soldiers,

at the loss of one drop of blood, they faint. Try and find a

girl in this area who hasn't lost her virginity to a musketeer.

Regardless of what you say,

I will join them.

You wish to join them? Why?

To be like this?

Look at him.

He's still here.

Look at him.

Trace of men.

That is our true battlefield.

Our battlefield quarters, not yours.

Come on, lets go.

Come brothers, duty calls!

Oh, what have we got here?

Would you care for something to eat?

Your boots are dusty. Shall I clean them?

Would you like me to brush your trousers?

A musketeer of his majesty. What a glorious dream.

Doesn't he have the dreamiest eyes?

I'd say he's still a virgin.

Look at his skin. How soft and beautiful it is.

Would you like me to bathe you? Would you like to lie down a while?

Hmm?

What was that, ma'am?

- My name's Moosh Moosh. - And I am Shoo Shoo.

And that is the castle of the Countess Madame de Voyeur. I'll wager it

has a lot of bedrooms.

What good are a thousand beds if you can only use them to sleep in?

I thought the beautiful Countess was married.

Aramis's logic is beyond you, Porthos. The Countess has been in a state of sexual

distress since the Count's duel in Rochelle.

Oh, is she with her now?

Much worse, Porthos.

The Count received a wound in a certain area.

You don't say.

So now the poor man no longer has anything

with which he can prove to his wife that he's a man.

Ah, yes. I am afraid we're making the Countess.

Where is he?

Ready!

Halt!

In the name of the king!

How do you like my sword?

Let us descend to your vassal.

Ha, that's it!

Come on! Come on!

That's it.

You and cowards! Three against one!

Let me take care of him!

Let me show the coward how man must handle his sword!

To be a musketeer, you have to be a real man.

He knows what he wants, and he'll fight for it.

And he always gets it.

Everybody knows that.

Ask the Countess.

That's alright!

Filthy scoundel!

And now, gentlemen...

...the Countess is a widow.

- She's in one of the bedrooms. - We'll find her.

In bed!

- Where else? - Well, if she is, I hope she's alone.

Yes!

Suppose we start at the

first door first.

Come right in.

We're coming!

Well, don't be shy!

- I'm sure she'll be happy to see us. - What do I see here?

Look at her.

- Well, she said... - Hold your horses...

- ...my friend. - Don't you know that a countess is handled with delicacy?

I'm afraid he's right, gentlemen.

Please, let's not rush things one after the other.

- We'll count off. - That's a good idea.

Yes, but no bickering from you afterwards.

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe, you go out.

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe,

you go out with you.

I'm first. We'll see who laughs last.

Let's go. Come on. There's no behind you.

- I'm replacing the Count in this house. - Well, what do you see?

A keyhole.

Oh, but what else do you see?

Nothing.

He simply doesn't have my vitality.

Ha, at last!

Alright, now it's my turn.

- Listen, try cooling off. He never comes that quickly. - I meant at the keyhole.

- How can a person be so inquisitive? - They don't interest me anyway.

- My goodness. - You're the fairest one of all.

It was really getting serious. Stop it.

I played the part of the sixth floor.

Why, oh, why, oh, boy! Look at them!

There's another six of doors in their gang, Matt. One of his majesty's musketeers would never

discredit another musketeer on purpose. It's a matter of honor. But above all, a true

musketeer is never as egoistic as you are. Move over!

You begrudge me absolutely everything I love in life.

What did you say?

Tight, insatiable sex maniac.

You keep saying

words like that, I'll triple you for life. Stop that, you idiot.

Mind your tongue. So I'm the one who has to mind his tongue.

Well, anything you can do, I can do even better. Quiet, team.

I'm not a

what I'm a giant and you see

you notice it

you feel it?

Why don't you stay here with us until the spring?

I must go to Paris.

Why go to Paris?

You'll always be in danger of catching a...

- ...disease from some female. - Your thing will fall off.

I hate to go, but I must.

Am I

exactly back on a horse again for a change?

Because you know it's your horse, and it won't throw you off, right?

I wonder if that's supposed to be some kind of dirty insinuation.

However, it should mean I've been in factors of condescend me.

I wouldn't even dare to make any dirty

insinuations regarding the Countess and you.

Incidentally, where are we going?

I would like to propose we start riding towards our headquarters.

If only because we have to pass a certain inn. Because of a certain inn? Shall we start

counting the certain inns between here and Paris? Oh, no, I'd rather not.

I was never very good in the out of county.

What counts is

finding them again.

Say, by the way, my stomach tells me it's dinner

time. Can't you ever think of anything but food?

Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful if there were a man in the house

dear sister? And two would be even better. What about three?

Think of the possibilities.

Have no fear, ladies. We're here to rescue you from your distress.

The Three Musketeers ready to

do anything for you, right?

Yes,

he's fortifying himself with dumplings and cherries.

- With what? - We, of course, are cavalier.

What's missing?

D'Artagnan...

- ...it is you, isn't it? - Yes.

I'm so happy to see you again and alive.

As you can see, I'm alive. I'm sorry I fainted when I was with you.

It was because you were such a passionate musketeer.

Thank you. You two are a passionate woman.

I'll never forget that evening, Countess.

I dare say I'm out of practice.

I'm all by myself now.

My husband passed away three months ago.

He was killed in a sword fight.

I'm sure the Count died a brave man.

But the Count wasn't left all alone.

I'm the one you should have sympathy for.

I'm the one who should be compensated for it. Yes, that's

true. You have my deepest sympathy. Believe me.

I feel sure you should pay me a visit at my castle soon. With pleasure.

I'd love having you there. Promise it will be soon?

It's a promise. I'll come as soon as possible.

I shall see to it that you relax from your ventures.

I'll be expecting you.

And I kept my promise,

unfortunately.

His Majesty's musketeer, d'Artagnan...

- ...pays his compliments. - Welcome, d'Artagnan.

Is my arrival untimely?

I am grateful for your invitation to have a rest at your castle.

You misunderstood me about having a rest.

Then I shall go to the stable.

But why? This is your bed.

Eventually.

A musketeer's first duty is to his horse, no matter what he'd rather do.

So please excuse me. I shall hurry.

Spoken like a true musketeer.

Let me assure you, your horse is being looked after. Then I shall not hesitate to look

after myself, if it pleases the Countess.

It does.

Have you heard the latest rumours about our friend D'Artagnan yet?

Since when do you listen to rumours? You know very well

that when I call gossip a rumour, it's always a true story.

Haven't you been told yet that young D'Artagnan has become the lover of Madame de Voyeux,

and she keeps him in her past like a bird in a golden cage? And

that poor boy is obliged to satisfy the countess, where we

three one day will do.

If he survives, it'll be by the skin of his teeth. Human beings have seven layers of

skin, but does he have them everywhere?

Each of the boy's hands may have five fingers, but I'll bet you he's got only one penis.

- And I'm sure the countess wishes it were the other way around. - You know what?

They'd be in bed eternally.

The countess, it seemed, was insatiable.

I was becoming a prisoner in her castle,

in her bed,

in her arms.

I was becoming desperate.

She kept her eyes on me day and night.

I would catch her spying on me no matter where I went.

She sensed I was planning to get away.

And finally, the night to try escaping pain.

I admit I felt rather weak,

but I would have ventured climbing over even higher walls

in order to have them between me and the man-devouring demands

of that insatiable vampire.

Not until I had walked for hours did I feel safe from her.

Oh, it's you.

- My name is Carmen, remember? - The first time we...

...met, I don't think you even mentioned it, huh?

I was so fascinated by your unique demonstration I must have forgotten it.

And afterwards.

It must have slipped my mind.

But you must tell me first whether my prediction came true or not.

Have aristocratic women been running after you?

I'll never be able to tell you just how true it is.

You don't have to tell me about it.

I'm not your father confessor.

Come a little closer to me.

I'm cold.

Yes.

You're trembling, aren't you?

Then take me in your arms, d'Artagnan.

Or don't you like me anymore?

Maybe it's fate after all

that we've met again.

Look, d'Artagnan, how I tremble from head to foot.

I have goose pimples all over.

No, I may be wrong, but I'm almost sure you're not the boy you used to be.

Take off your things

and show me what you've learned since the first time.

What did you say then?

That it was a flute.

That's a slingshot, not a flute.

Come over here.

I just want to know if your slingshot hasn't changed.

You hear the story yet about the two nuns who met a lady's pet in the street one day?

- Well, go on. - Well, they asked the woman how she made a living.

And she said the prior always gave her a piece of gold whenever he had been together with her.

- That's incredible! - It's what the nun's done!

The reverend doesn't give us anything but lollipops!