All language subtitles for ghosts.2021.s04e03.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab_track3_[eng]

Ah, and that was I Feel Pretty,

underrated Amy Schumer flick.
What did you guys think?

Honestly, I don't know
why I even ask.

SAMANTHA:
Hey, Jay?

Check out this cool
Halloween decoration I got.

[decoration cackling]

[Patience shrieks]

She hath made
the gourd speak!

She is a witch!

No, Patience, it's
motion activated.

Battery--
Never mind.

Wait, does Patience
not know about Halloween?

Oh, she is going to lose
her Satan-hating mind.

Halloween?

It's a holiday:
there's candy, kids dress up.

Women dress down.
It's like Purim, but hornier.

We used to hate Halloween,
but then Sam moved in,

started leading a seance every
year, where she brings back

a different dead person
for us to hang out with.

[gasps]

She summons the dead?

I must take leave
from thine evil presence.

Ooh, my bad.

So Patience doesn't seem
like a huge fan of Halloween.

Babe, I don't think we should do
Halloween this year.

SAMANTHA and PETE: What?[Trevor and Alberta clamoring]

Three years ago,
our gazebo burned down.

Two years ago, you almost died.

Last year, a woman did die.

Talk about a witch. [laughs]

Little ex-wife humor.

And now we got
a Puritan ghost who spurts

blood out of the walls
when she's angry.

How do you think she's gonna
react to seeing a bunch

of kids dressed up
like demons and zombies?

But, Jay, I love Halloween.

Don't you think you're
overreacting a little bit?

I wanted to wear
my Atari shirt today.

Do you know why I'm not wearing
my Atari shirt today, Sam?

'Cause the wall blood
wouldn't come out of it.

- The man makes a fair point.
- SAMANTHA:Fine.

I guess we'll just have the
most boring Halloween ever.

Happy, Jay?

I won't be happy

until this Halloween has passed
and no one has died.

Love a man who sets a low bar.

That's my guy.

♪ ♪

HETTY:
This is outrageous!

Someone stop
this maniac!

He has plans to
sell my treasures.

What's going on?

HETTY: Well, in
lieu of anything

fun this year,
Jay and Samantha

are planning
a Halloween yard sale.

Oh, no, if they sell the yard,
where will we chase butterflies?

Oh, yeah, this stuffed raven
should get at least five bucks.

Are you mad?!

We paid six in 1880!

Do you have any idea what
that's worth in today's dollars?

That is a genuine question.

As a woman,
I wasn't allowed to study math.

ISAAC:
Attention, everyone.

Patience wishes
to address you all.

You have the floor.

Evil walks among us.

The one you call Samantha,

who can summon the dead
and predict the weather.

Well, the weather one
is literally

just an app on her phone.

She must be held to account.

Hence, we will try her
as a witch.

[gasps] A witch trial.

I mean, how Halloween is that?

Isaac, why are you
encouraging this?

'Cause as an acute observer
of the political winds,

I am trying stay
on her good side.

Obviously, I don't believe
in all of this witch business,

but she's powerful,
she's scary,

and I for one
support her.

What sayeth you all?

Well, we literally have
nothing else to do

since Sam and Jay canceled
Halloween.

HETTY: Seems like a
harmless enough diversion.

And I do love
judging people.

ISAAC: Oh,
there's the accused now.

Looking unusually feminine.

Is that my old dress?

Oh, is it? I found it when we
were clearing out the ballroom.

It's kind of Halloween-y.

Unless Jay says something
and then it's just a dress.

Samantha, some news:

you are hereby on trial
for witchcraft.

It was Patience's idea and I
for one think it's brilliant.

How dost thou plead?

Oh, Patience.

Things have changed
in the past 400 years.

Instead of turning
on each other,

women should be
lifting each other up.

[gasps] She speaks
of levitation!

She's a witch.

I'm sorry, it's politics.

Okay, my point is,
women don't need

to tear each other
down anymore.

We are no longer
second-class citizens.

We can do anything
that men can do.

Sam, you said you wanted
a couple guys

to help lift the heavy stuff
for the yard sale?

Yes, thank you, Mark.

But just because
there's a lot of stuff.

Not because I'm a woman.

Okay.

So does an afternoon trial
work for you?

We're pretty open.

Yeah, I'm not participating
in this.

Then ye shall be
tried in absentia.

SAMANTHA:
Cool, someone

let me know
if I'm a witch.

I'm going to go say goodbye
to the yard.

MARK:
Hey, Jay?

There's another one.

Wow, there's so much stuff

in that creepy old ballroom.

Where we hosted
presidents and royalty.

And ate what we were told was
the last Chinese river dolphin.

Turns out we were
wrong. Swindled.

Some people have
no ethics.

Flower,
what are you doing?

Saying goodbye to individual
blades of grass.

I'll miss you, Larry.

Goodbye, Steve.

SAMANTHA:
Hi, babe.

How's the yard
sale going?

Whoa, whoa,
what is all this?

Oh, uh, the rake?

I just thought I'd
tidy up out here.

No, no, I mean
the Bridgerton costume.

Which, objectively, wow!

But it's a costume!

Okay, fine.

So what?
I like Halloween.

We're not having a party,
we're not bringing anyone

back from the dead.

Just let us know
if you need help.

So just let me have this.

How much is this
lizard bat thing?

How did that
get out here?

Uh, I'm so sorry.

That's actually
not for sale.

And for the record,
it's called a quasit.

Thank you
for clearing that up, Jay.

Uh, but can I interest you
in, um, I don't know, like,

a mummy-looking thing?

It's just right
over there.

That's got to be fake, right?

As far as the Egyptian
government is concerned.

ISAAC:
Samantha, are you sure
you don't want

to participate
in your witch trial?

I mean, you're kind of the star.

No, Isaac,
the whole thing's a joke.

- What's a joke?
- Patience accused me

of being a witch, so now,
because we canceled Halloween

and they have
nothing else to do,

they're hosting a witch trial.

What? [stammers]

Why didn't you
tell me this?

- This is bad.
- It's just dumb ghost stuff.

So, what, they
decide I'm a witch?

Then what?

Babe, it's Patience.

Okay? It's not another ghost
like Alberta,

with a lame humming power.

Watch it.
JAY:
Or Hetty,

who doesn't even have a power.

That we know of!

[laughing]:
Oh, he is roasting you two.

Okay, Founding Farter.

[gasps]
JAY:
My point is,

Patience is not
to be trifled with.

And I'll just leave you
with this.

Historically, witch trials?

They don't end well
for the witches.

ISAAC:
Hmm.

You should really refer
to her as "the accused."

I mean, it's not looking good,
but still.

No!

You stepped on Derrick!

Murderer!

Oh, Mrs. Farnsby, hi.

Hey, Sam, could
you tell me more

about this beautiful antique
table you've got over here?

Do you think it could support
two or more adults?

Ooh, those swingers are
gonna do it on that table.

Ha!

And lastly,
what about her ability

to speaketh to all of ye?

She walketh amongst the living,

yet speaketh to the dead?

She's making some good points.

And, also, the toast thing,

where she warmeth the bread
with the devil's tongue?

Although some arguments
are stronger than others.

Okay, first of all, that was
a great closing statement.

I began the day
a skeptic,

but after that
eloquent summary,

I'm voting witch.

- What say the rest of ye?
- PETE: Obviously,

Sam is not a witch.

- Not guilty.
- TREVOR: Well,

she did cancel
Halloween

and didn't bring
back the hot maid.

So I'm gonna
go witch.

She's selling
my penguin leashes.

She's a witch.

FLOWER:
I just don't think

Sam killed
that vagrant.

The issue is whether
or not Sam is a witch.

Oh!

Well, then, yeah,
she's probably a witch.

Oh, this is crazy, that woman
buys my Momoa magazines.

Not guilty.

THORFINN:
Fun fact.

Vikings believed in witches,
we called them "volva."

[chuckles]
Who is that fun for?

Guess not people who
wear small ugly hats.

- We need an answer.
- THORFINN:Fine.

Sam volva,
Sam... volva.

There we have it.
The group has spoken.

Sam is a witch,
and, Patience, once again,

thank you
for a delightful diversion,

This was fun.

She hath been convicted,
now for the punishment.

ISAAC:
Oh, okay.

- There's a part two.
- For the crime

of witchcraft,
Samantha is hereby sentenced...

to petrification.

She shall be turned to stone.

Well, I guess Jay
better get used

to some stiff conversations.

[laughter]

Why dost thou chortle
- at Patience?
- PETE: Oh, sorry.

Sorry,
we shouldn't have laughed.

Also, we shouldn't have
taken Sam for granite.

[laughter]

- Hey-oh!
- PATIENCE:Laugh.

But ye will see.

Her flesh and bone will harden

with the swift judgement
from above.

- Isn't bone already hard?
- Silence!

ISAAC:
I am so sorry about them.

Bone is soft
if you say it is.

Sam? Sam?

Where-- Hey, Mark.

Have you seen Sam?

She was just here.

Hey, how much for
this dragon trophy?

How did that--
That's not for sale.

Uh, guys?

Does that statue
look like Sam to you?

TREVOR:
That's funny.

I guess
it kind of does.

Wait.

The dress.

The Bridgerton hair.

HETTY:
That's the rake
she was holding.

[all gasp]

ALBERTA:
Oh, my God.

Patience turned Sam into stone.

What the hell
is a penguin leash?

Hey, Jay,
is this made for penguins

or made out of penguins?

Both. Now put that down.

Are you sure you've never
seen this statue before?

I have never seen this thing
in my life or since.

Okay, we just got
to talk to Patience.

Maybe she can undo it.

If you can hear me, Sam...

[whispers]:
I voted not guilty.

[exhales]

Patience, this is insane.

You have to turn Sam back.

Patience more powerful
than Thor ever imagine.

Man, have I hitched
my wagon to the right pony.

Of course I will miss
Flesh Samantha,

as she will heretofore
be known.

ALBERTA:
Come on, Patience!

- Is there a way to fix Sam?
- There is.

But she was convicted.
This is your doing.

Well, we didn't know
it was real.

We thought it was a joke,
like where does the general hide

his armies? In his sleevies!
That kind of thing!

Who's chortling now?

Not me,
for laughter is forbidden.

[gasps]

Mm...

[gasps]
[grunts]

Uh, guys.

Jay is selling Sam.

[gasps]
What?
That not good.

Trevor, you text Jay
from the iPad.

We'll go outside and
yell at Jay impotently.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

I'll give you six bucks for it.

JAY:
Ugh.

I don't know, man.

Okay, Jay may not know
that's the love of his life,

but he must know that stone's
worth way more than...

- Seven bucks.
- Sold.

Oh, come on!
Oh...

Someone do something.

Perhaps finally, in this
most urgent moment of need,

my heretofore dormant
ghost power will emerge.

You still got nothing.

Like your humming thing's
so cool.

Goodbye, Samantha.

Enjoy new home.
Oh!

[grunts] Get in there.

This is insane!
Sam, we're trying to help!

No! That's her head.

- I'll see you.
- ALBERTA: Oh!

[phone chimes]
What the...?

Trevor.
Oh.

"The statue is Sam."

What does that even mean?[truck engine starts]

Oh, come on.[truck driving away]

I'll give chase.

'Cause I can leave
the property.
Not now, Peter!

"Patience turn to stone"
with a witch emoji?

Ooh, nice touch.

Oh, my God!

I sold my wife!

Yes!
Get him!
Go!

[screams]

[gasps, screams]
My eyes!

The devil box
is alight. [gasps]

Yes, yes. Sometimes,
they leave it on for us.

I don't usuallypartake.

Oh, but this is
a good episode.

Kaylee L. confronts Veronica

for blowing up
her co-listing in Laguna.

Well, we must depart forthwith,
lest we be corrupted.

Absolutely.

Or we stay here

and bear witness
to the sin,

so that we may...

warn others
and stuff.

Hmm...

And is she Kaylee L.?

Yes, and keep an eye
on her mojito

because--
little hint--

Veronica will soon
be wearing it.

[gasps]
Oh, and that's not all.

You will not believe who shows
up to the twilight open house.

[gasps] Is it the devil?[gasps] Kind of.

It's Kaylee's ex, Fletcher.

Oh.

- To bear witness.
- To bear witness.

So this man bought
your statue and...

I'm sorry, what do you
want us to do?

I just need to get it back,
and I need his home address.

Now, I know you guys
run plates,

I watch TV.

Right... but we only do that
when there's a crime.

'Cause we're
the police.

Okay, Jay's
getting nowhere.

- Oh!
- Pete, what happened?

He got on the highway,
and I lost him.

Oh.
Oh.
I don't know
if it's helpful,

but there was a bumper sticker.

It said,
"Captain Kaboom period com."

Wait, Captain Kaboom dot com?

What does
that mean?

It's a website,
it's the internet.

That's
the internet?

What's the thing
with the cat videos?

Everyone just
hang on. Watch.

[strains]

This feels like
a stalker situation.

OFFICER SUE:
Sir, be honest.

Did this individual
break your heart?

What? No.
I just want my statue back.

[grunts]
What is this?

Ahoy. I'm Captain Kaboom.

Welcome to Kaboom World.

Today, we're gonna see
what happens

when you put an M-80
inside an old microwave.

Surely, he knows
what will happen.

[explosion over laptop][all scream, laugh]

- Kaboom.
- THORFINN: [laughs] Was amazing!

Ugh, back in my day, there was
a guy who used to blow stuff up.

His name was LBJ.

But then we got high, and saw
a bunch of bands play on a farm,

and I think that helped.

Oh, no. I think I know why
this man bought that statue.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

He's gonna blow up Sam.

Samantha.

[gasps]

Click on
- bowling ball video.
- Thor.

Okay, fine, what if I were
to say that the statue

is really a person,

and that person

is my wife?

Well, in that case,

we'd probably contact
mental health services.

Okay, so then
I'm not saying that.

Good day, sir.

[phone chimes]

What?

Ooh, now he just has
to click on the link.

A text
from my iPad?

Trevor, did you send me this?
I don't have time

to watch a vid...

Wait. That's the guy
I sold the statue to.

[gasps]
Yeah.
Watch watermelon one.

So good.
Shh.

Hey, there, Kaboom Fam.

Got something really special
in today.

You've been asking
for limestone,

I'm giving you limestone.

Ah! That's the Sam statue.

- Yes!
- Yes!

At 1700 hours today,
this thing's going...

kaboom.

Don't forget to like
and subscribe.

I know that house.

How do I know that house?

He's doing
the finger-pinch thing.

He's doing
the finger-pinch thing.

That's to zoom in.
Dot com.
JAY: Wait.

Is that a Sonic sign?

Ooh!
[gasps] Ooh, it's ironic.

Samantha's always saying
that Sonic is gonna kill Jay,

but it may just be
the thing that saves her.

Ironic Sonic. I think that was
a band that I dated back in '67.

I know where this is.
Pete, let's ride.

Because I can.

Shut up, Pete.
Go!

And go save our girl!

Okay!

So you want the statue back?

Yeah, I wasn't
supposed to sell it.

It got put out
by accident, and...

my wife is really
attached to it.

Sorry, man.

I got big plans for that thing.

Pete Martino.
Non-geographically bound ghost.

Sergeant John Duffy.
Retired.

Served two tours in 'nam.

Moved upstate
for some peace and quiet.

40 years later, I'm dead,
and this little maniac moves in.

Come on, man. Give me a number.

How much do you want for it?

It's not
about the money.

It's about the boom, bro.

Got to give the people
what they want.

It's just-- This statue
means a lot to me.

I really need it back.

- His wife is the statue.
- Damn straight.

I fought for this man's right
to marry a statue.

JAMIE:
I'll tell you what,

you give me
that weird monster thing

I was looking at
earlier,

and I'll give you
your statue back.

The quasit?

Jay, are we really driving
a hard bargain here?

Fine. Deal. But can I take
the statue now?

I promise I'll come back
with the quasit.

Sure, man. I trust you.

Plus, I know
where you live,

and I have a lot of dynamite.

PETE:
Guys!

We're back.

We got the Sam statue.[ghosts exclaiming]

JAY:
Ghosts, if you're here,

get the Puritan

to undo
the stone thing.

And please hurry. This morning,
I was yelling at her

about wearing
a Halloween costume.

I don't want that to be
the last conversation we had.

Patience,
you turn Stone Sam back

into regular Sam
right now, or else.

'Twas not me
who made her thus.

All of ye
convicted her.

Patience, I am going
to say something to you

that I have only ever told
two other people in my life,

both of whom I wished
to procure me cocaine:

please.

The Lord's judgement
is final.

Once one strayeth
from the path

of piety,
one is lost.

It's so interesting
you say that, Patience,

because, earlier,
I believe

you did a bit of
path-straying yourself.

I know not
of what you speak.

Oh, you don't want me
to speak of Laguna.
[gasps]

I was bearing witness.

You said you would never tell.

What's going on here?

I will tell them
everything,

including how
you moved your body

to that diabetes
medicine commercial.

Fine.

So you'll
turn her back?

The power rests not with me.
It rests with ye.

If you wish
to reverse

the sentence,
simply vote again,

and find Samantha
innocent.

[cheers]
Oh, yay!

It's gonna be okay, man.

HETTY:
Flower, no!

Whoa...

ALBERTA:
Oh, he's high.

[cackles]
[screams]

GHOSTS:
No!

Ah!

Sam! Sam!

SAMANTHA:
What?

What are you guys doing?

Oh, my God, you're okay.

PETE: We thought
you were stone,

and then
Jay sold you.

HETTY: And
then the Kaboom man

was gonna
blow you up.

There really cool watermelon
video you need to see.

- Of course I'm okay.
- But what happened?
Where have you been?

SAMANTHA:
I sold Mrs. Farnsby a desk,

and I was helping her
take it over to their place.

At first,
she wanted it in the study

and then in
the living room and...

then she made me
put it in a room

that I don't want to talk about.

But the statue was
holding the rake.

What? No. I just

leaned the rake against
the statue before I left.

We thought Patience
turned you to stone

after the ghosts convicted you
at the witch trial.

You guys convicted me?

Well, we were mad
about Halloween.

I urged you to testify
on your behalf.

I told them you
didn't kill that vagrant.

Wait, well, where did
the statue come from?

Hetty said she
didn't recognize it.

It was in a crate
in the ballroom.

Ah. I guess that is possible.
We were so rich.

Sometimes, we would just
buy things at auction

'cause we liked waving
the little paddle.

Well, Patience, I guess your
spell didn't work after all.

No matter.
I've still got the blood thing.

Why don't you go hum about it?

[gasps]

- That was devastating insult.
- All right.

Everyone just needs to back off.
It's a good power.

- I think it's a neat power.
- I swear to God, Pete.

Aw, so you traded
your weird monster statue

so this guy
wouldn't blow me up?

- Of course I did.
- And he did not hesitate.

He agreed to it like that.

And we definitely didn't stop
at Sonic on the way home.

- Too much detail, Pete.
- JAY: Sam,

I thought
I lost you,

and it was the worst
feeling in the world.

I'm so sorry
that I yelled at you

for wanting to
celebrate Halloween.

I love that you're excited
about that stuff,

and I love that you
decorate our mantel

for different seasons
and holidays.

It's like we live in a
Starbucks. In a good way.

Aw, Jay.

THORFINN:
Is touching.

Small Man sure to reap
many benefits,

sexually,
from those kind words.

PATIENCE:
Everyone,

Patience hath arrived
at a decision.

After much praying,

it has become clear that

I need to return to the dirt.

Girl, what?
No.
Oh, no. Why?

You just got here.

Patience is returning
to the dirt.

Hell yeah!

I don't care.

She tried to turn
you into stone,

and she cost me
my quasit.

I was tested, and I failed.

The aboveground world
has far too much temptation.

'Tis not a place for the pious.

Well, as I said,
women should support women,

so I fully support
your decision to leave

and possibly
never come back.

PATIENCE: It was
good to know you.

Now, I must return
to the others.

I'm sorry,
did she say "others"?

That not good.

Oh, I don't like that at all.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org