Original subtitles

Morty, hurry!

Return the Truth Tortoise!

Morty, whatever you do, don't drop the Truth Tortoise!

Also really important,

whatever you do, don't look into its eyes!

I-I did look at it, Rick! I've been looking at it!

Now you're gonna know everything, Morty!

Good job! Way to go! You fucked everything up!

[Speaking gibberish]

It's in my head! [Screams]

Ah!

[Screams]

Oh, geez, I-I can't get that Truth Tortoise out of my head.

Yeah, I told you not to look into its eyes.

Hey, Morty, let's watch some interdimensional cable.

Remember how we used to do that?

Rick, I can't - I can't go on.

I-I can't go on like this

with the Truth Tortoise shit in my head.

I-I wish you could just -

Erase the memory from your mind?

How did you know I was gonna say that?

Come on, Morty, come with me.

After you.

What the hell is this?!

This, Morty, is my archive

of all the experiences you've begged me to remove

from your life, lest you go insane.

I call them Morty's Mind Blowers.

And we'll be doing this instead of interdimensional cable.

[Dramatic music plays]

How long have I been asking you to remove memories?

Since the first [burps] time your mind was blown.

Ahh, here it is. [Burps]

Classic. [Blows]

There's no dust on it because

this isn't the first time we've done this.

-What?I -I call this one "Moonspiracy"!

[Laughs]

[Insects chirping]

MORTY: Huh, wow. That's incredible.

What the heck?

Morty, do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?

Yeah, pretty crazy story, Morty.

Are you serious?

Half the crap we've seen, and you think that sounds crazy?

I've been to 300 versions of Earth's moon,

including this one, and I've never seen signs

of a "regular dude," as you describe him,

hanging out up there.

It's probably just a smudge on the lens.

Smudge on the lens? Smudge on the lens?!

I know the difference between a man threatening me

and a smudge on the goddamn lens, Summer!

Morty, calm down! Are you feeling okay?

I'm fine!

So sensitive.

[School bell rings]

PRINCIPAL VAGINA: Kids, I'd like to introduce you all

to our new guidance counselor, Mr. Lunas.

I look forward to helping guide you all

towards a brighter future.

I believe every student should...

shoot for the moon.

Got you now, you son of a bitch.

[Camera shutter clicking]

What's this?

Proof that Mr. Lunas isn't who he says he is!

He's not a guidance counselor?

I-I assume he's qualified to be one. Who isn't?

But he also lives on the moon.

Okay.

Hmm. Is that it?

Is he doing anything to hurt anyone?

Oh, he's up to something.

I think I understand.

"Up to something," "lives on the moon."

Okay, I'll talk to him.

[Tires screeching]

What did he say?

Denied the moon stuff, but that's what pedophiles do.

They deny. It's their bread and butter.

-Pedophile? -You don't think so?

I thought the moon thing might have been code.

No, he's literally from the moon!

Well, you saw him react.

Moon or not, that dude likes 'em young.

[Siren wails]

Gordon Lunas was a good Marine.

We don't know what drove him to take his own life,

but we want to remember the good things.

Like how, from a certain angle,

some people would say he looked like a smudge.

[Squeak]

Oh, my God, what have I done?

What have I done?

Jesus, I made that guy kill himself!

Only in a literal sense.

Here's one I call "Morty's [burp] Menagerie."

They don't all have titles, though.

It's not a "Simpsons" Halloween special,

more like a clip show made of clips you never saw!

I can't believe we got put into a menagerie.

So this guy collects living beings?

RICK: Yeah, you know like commemorative plates,

but less off-putting.

You'll get it when you're still actively dating in your 405.

Assess this with cold indifference,

you veiny-headed prick!

-[Crash!] -Hey, keep it down!

Just our luck, menagerie beneath

the "boulder people" of Granitor Seven.

I can't take it anymore, Rick!

-[Banging] -Relax, Morty!

I can't relax! R-R-Rick, we -- we gotta get outta here!

I don't care what it takes! Anything!

-Anything? -Anything!

All right, well, you're gonna have to take off your shirt.

Not yet. I'll tell you when.

[Sonar pinging]

[Chattering]

Dear God.

What?

The signal turned out to be -

there's no other way to put it --

-Instructions. -For?

A vehicle, sir, an interstellar vehicle.

We'll need a pilot. I wonder if there's a volunteer.

Oh, the schematics specify a second, smaller pilot.

I mean, they really specify smaller.

They have to be exactly 5'3".

Chang, you may have majored in Liberal Arts,

but I think you're about to make history.

[Grunts]

WOMAN: Primary systems, check.

Auxiliary systems, check.

See you soon.

Okay, now.

Greetings.

You're -- You look...

We've possessed forms your mind can accept.

Here are some customary clothing gifts.

Please, put them on.

-May we? -Of course, yes.

We followed your instructions.

We have so much to learn from you.

I know, right?

[Creak]

Hey, how come I was able to see those other people's memories?

I-I wouldn't have been around for that.

Yeah, sometimes I gotta do a little editing, Morty.

It helps the mind blowers

play a little bit better upon revisiting.

I call this one "The Whole Enchilada.

Here, Morty, this'll make your urine drinkable.

Now can we keep shopping?

I am Zikzak.

Ah, shit, Morty, get behind me. It's a fucking alien overlord!

It's okay. Here.

Oh, I misjudged.

MORTY: "I am Floop Floopian. Please kill me."

That's right, Morty.

The Floop Floopians achieve an eternal orgasmic afterlife,

so long as they're killed by a great warrior.

I'm flattered, by the way. Thank you very much.

So you're gonna kill him?

Eh, let's get some lunch first.

So, you want to get shot in the head, or --

Well, as long as the wound is fatal,

I don't really mind where you shoot me.

Cool. I'm gonna go take a quick shit.

Well, I gotta say. You know, I'm a little envious.

Your species has an actual afterlife.

-That's gotta be nice. -Wh-What do you mean?

Well, you know, here on Earth, w-we don't know what's going on.

It must be nice for you guys to, you know, have that --

have that proof's in the pudding, you know, evidence.

Evidence? There's supposed to be evidence?

Um, yeah, uh...

Otherwise, how do you know if it's true?

[Clears throat]

Wait, you don't...

All right, so you want to do this here or outside?

[Weapon cocks, powers up]

Run!

[Door slams open]

I don't wanna die!

[Horn honks]

[Chanting]

Oh, God, it's all real! Oh, it hurts!

Oh, I shouldn't have doubted it!

I shouldn't have let you make me doubt it!

Aah! I blame you, I blame you!

But he said there wasn't any evidence!

That was a ton of evidence!

Well, silver lining.

Now I know their religion's real.

They have a hell, and it does not look good.

I noticed you never finished your chimichanga,

so I got some room for it now, if you know what I mean.

Holy shit!

How many of these are just horrible mistakes I've made?

I mean, maybe I'd stop making so many

if I let myself learn from them!

Don't break your back creating a lesson, Morty.

It's a freeform anthology.

I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that.

As you can see around me, your mind's been blown

countless times, and not always by yourself.

Ah, shit, I don't even --

This better not have been a good one.

What is this?

Great, "Booger AIDS," "AIDS Booger."

I gotta start using real file names.

In the meantime, enjoy a grab bag

of mind blowers I call "Poop AIDS underscore copy."

ALIEN WARLORD: I'm not an unreasonable man, Beth Smith.

I know children are everything to a mammal.

I will spare one of their lives.

You simply have to choose.

Summer! Summer.

You're not gonna believe this.

I went to Phoebe instead of Titan.

It's, like, hello, Saturn, after 10 moons,

time to stop naming and start numbering, you know?

What's -- Wh-What's with you assholes?

Morty, please, don't do this.

[Evil laugh]

[Voice echoing] Your Morty is gone!

I am Voltamatron, Destroyer of Worlds!

Grandpa Rick, there must be some scientific way to save him!

Not scientific, but there may be a way.

Morty, I know you're in there. It's me, your grandpa.

I know I can be mean, but I love you, Morty.

We all do. You gotta fight this thing.

I know you can. You're stronger than all of us!

Morty, it's Mom! We love you. You have to fight it!

Come on, Morty! Fight that stupid worm thing!

-We love you! -[Screaming]

SUMMER: We love you so much!

RICK: Yes, Morty, come on, you're doing it!

You're doing it! You're doing it!

[Gagging, coughing]

Should we pull it out?

No, don't touch it. Just keep loving Morty!

We still love you.

But I do have a thing at 6:00.

Oh, God, do I have to keep looking?

Geez, Morty, come on, pinch it off already!

-[Laughter] -[Screaming]

Don't! Oh. God, sorry, Morty. I love you!

[Whimpering]

God, is there going to be an intermission?

Excuse me, but I ordered the large evil space worm.

I know, it's like, is that a demon slug

in your stomach, or are you just happy to --

-[Screaming] -Sorry!

Well, I guess it's nice to know the whole family sucks!

So if the blue ones are my fault

and the purple ones are my family's, what are the red ones?

Yeah, d-don't read into it, Morty!

[Birds chirping]

Ahh.

Shit! We need to find shelter before the sunset, Morty.

Venzenulon Nine has a night temperature of 300 below!

We'll freeze, Morty! W-We'll be dead in seconds!

I-I think I saw a cave over there.

You've seen too many movies, Morty.

A cave isn't gonna cut it. We're gonna have to use Beebo.

Beebo led us to water! He's our friend!

-He won't even feel it! -Oh, no, no!

[Beebo groans]

You wanna die, Morty? Get in Beebo!

Oh, no, no!

Brace for the ice limit.

Here it comes!

Wait, are we on Venzenulon Nine or Venzenulon Seven?

Wait a minute. Why would I ask for that to be removed?

Are the red ones stuff you wanted removed?

Ooh, that's clever, Morty, but I don't use color to sort things

because I'm not a mouse in a European children's book.

Then why are all those pink ones by the liquor?

Liquor?

[Ray guns blasting]

[Both sigh]

-Shit, that was close. -We lost Captain Sky.

He gave his life for the uprising.

Yeah. It really makes you think, huh, Morty?

We should never take things for granite.

-What? -I'm just saying. life's short.

We shouldn't take things for granite.

-Are you saying "granite"? -Well, yeah.

It's "granted," with a "D."

Take things for granted. Did you actually think it was --

[Laughs] Jesus Christ, Rick,

what are you, a boulder -- a rock person?

How long have you been saying that wrong?

Oh, you like that, huh?

I b-b-bet that really blows your mind.

I mean, yeah, it's kind of great.

-You want me to erase it? -What, you can do that?

-[Buzzing] -Ah, shit.

I fucking knew it, you piece of shit!

You - You - You're a fucking asshole. Rick!

Take it easy, Morty. Come on. Just relax.

No, I'm not gonna fucking relax! Come here!

Let go of me, you little bitch!

I'm gonna grab you by the scruff of your --

-Take that! -Ohh!

-Umm. -Umm. Uhh.

-What -- -What's going on?

-Where am I? -Who are we?

-Who am I? -I think I'm an adolescent boy.

Huh, and I'm an elderly man.

And we appear to be in some kind of secret confined space.

-Yeah, umm... -Don't look at me like that.

For all we know, you could be the fuckin' weirdo.

Huh, these things are obviously storage units,

and since we can't remember what went wrong,

my guess is that the technology involves memory

and that this thing on your head is designed to...

Tell us the code, jagoff!

[Speaking alien language]

It's pointless. He's stonewalling.

Rick, if we don't unlock those vaccines, Earth dies!

You know, it might be time to step up your interrogation!

Not sure what you're implying, Morty,

but some lines I don't cross.

Yeah, well, I crossed every line I had

when this bastard tried to kill Jessica!

[Speaking alien language]

Okay, see those two fleshy sacs under his chin, Morty?

Grab 'em.

You remember the codes now?

-Twist! -[Screaming]

Give us the codes, man! Twist harder, Morty!

-Harder! -[Screaming]

Okay, let go, let go, let him breathe.

[Speaking alien language]

He wants to make a deal.

Half the codes now, half after you finish.

But can we trust -- Wait, what?

F-Finish what?

Y-You know.

I thought I was torturing him!

Oh, and this disappoints you?

Do I tell him we don't have a deal, Morty?

Because if we can kill our enemies

but we can't jack them off, then how are we better than them?

Well, what did you find out?

We're partners, I guess,

and we fight aliens, like "Men in Black"?

"Men in Black," "Men in Black."

I have "Men in Black 2" in here.

So -- So you get the general idea.

[Laughs] Not quite.

It's basically an endless string of callbacks to --

All right, save it for YouTube. I'll keep looking for clues.

What are you doing?

You want your shelf level or not?

And if I say yes, you're gonna provide that for me with that?

Yes, see the bubble?

I'm familiar with the bubble, Morty.

I also dabble in precision,

and if you think you can even approach it

with your sad, naked, caveman eyeball

and a bubble of fucking air, you're the reason this species

is a failure, and it makes me angry!

You're drunk.

You want to put up a shelf, put up a shelf.

You want to experience true level?

-Do you? -[Sighs dramatically] Y-yes.

[Powering up]

Ugh, all right, come on.

[Sighs]

Wow, it's so --

Oh, oh, oh, oh, my God, oh, Christ, ooh, ooh, ooh, ahh.

Oh, yeah, true level, bitch.

Morty, come on, we're leaving for school.

Oh, everything's crooked! Reality is poison!

I want to go back! I hate this!

-What's his deal? -Can't live like this!

Shh, shh, shh, shh, Morty, Morty, Morty.

Go to school, Summer. I'll go in Morty's memory

and do a little -- [Clicks tongue]

Lambs to the cosmic slaughter!

Well?

You seem to be in charge of what I get to remember.

-Why? -Good question.

Morty, I need darkness to prime these optical inductors.

Hit the leftmost light switch by the door for me.

The left.

[Click, click, click]

Okay, lights on.

[Sighs]

So, did I just hear three distinct light switch clicks?

W-W-What do you mean?

I feel like the three sounds I heard could be explained

by an initial erroneous flipping of a switch on the right

followed by a hasty, corrective flipping

of the requested switch.

Then during the resultant darkness and silence, a third,

shameful unflipping of the initially flipped switch.

Is my assessment accurate?

Yeah, that's -- that's basically how -- how it all shaked out.

-I'm sorry. -Ugh. All right, come on.

-What?! -Come on!

[High-pitched tone]

-[Click, tone ends] -Grab a shovel.

W-What is -

Grab a shovel!

[Click]

What was that?

I can't find a goddamn zip tie anywhere!

All right, fuck it!

[Beeping]

[Magnetizing]

Ahh, zip tie.

[Powering down]

[Beeping]

[Magnetizing]

[Women screaming]

Why are you making me do this for you again?

Who doesn't wish they could talk to animals, Rick?

Most humans!

There, I'm done. Just stay out of trouble!

Gotta keep moving. Can't stop.

Up, down, down, up, up, up, down, up, stop, down.

The queen needs food. The babies need food.

The queen makes babies.

MALE VOICE: The situation in Argentina

has proven less convenient than predicted.

We'll have to re-destabilize their economy,

refocus labor class outrage from upper to middle,

foster a coup, and install a compliant regime.

MALE SQUIRREL: Same as Guatemala?

Yes, but you can double-time it.

We need a quorum to pick a new pope

in case the Exxon/Monsanto thing falls through in Africa.

Why not use chemtrails? Put a canopy on Uganda.

They're set to agitate any mo-- What?

That kid is watching us.

So, we're squirrels. He's a kid.

He's watching us like he hears what we're saying.

Hey, kid. Young man? Come here, little boy.

Tell Daphne to run a 199 on a possible Dolittle.

Little boy! We'll give you wishes if you can hear us!

We can make you fly and get candy.

[Squirrels chittering]

[Whistling]

Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Fuck me! Fuck me!

[Panting] Rick!

RICK: Ah, shit, Morty, what did you do?

[Powering up]

-[Zap!] -[Squirrels screeching]

All right, Morty, pack your shit!

That's only gonna keep 'em down for a little bit, Morty!

You fucked with squirrels, Morty!

We got a good five minutes

before they're backing up on our ass, Morty!

We have to pack up and move to a new reality, Morty!

You know I said we could only do that a couple of times!

We're fucked over here because of these damn squirrels, Morty!

I don't know what my reaction is,

but I think I'm mounting in suspicion of you.

-Well, what are you gonna do? -I'm gonna remember everything!

Everything!

-[Screams] -[Laughs]

[Screams]

-[Farts] -[Laughs]

Yeah!

Ah!

[Crying]

Well, what'd you find out?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you gonna do, kill me?

No, I'm not gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill myself!

All those memories just erased!

Sitting in this room collecting dust!

W-What's the point of going on if most of everything

that happens just ends up sitting in here?

All right, kid.

I don't know much aside from the fact that "Men in Black 2"

was a joyless cash grab, but I do know that whatever you have

brewing around in your noggin really connected with you.

I can't deny that,

and I can't deny that I'm inspired by your passion.

I want in. Suicide pact!

-[Ray gun powers up] -Yes, yeah, let's do it!

Together, you old son of a bitch! On three!

Two...

You guys doing Morty's Mind Blowers?

Morty's Mind Blowers?

[Sighs] Grandpa, is this a scenario three?

Uh, w-what's that, and w-who are you?

Oh, man, it's a scenario four.

-[Spits] -[Dart gun shooting]

Ugh, fucking God damn it!

I don't get paid enough for this shit!

There's a Craftsman nearby. I can smell it.

Whoa, what -- what --

Can I help you?

H-How did we fall asleep during interdimensional cable?

-Yeah, what the hell, Summer? -Summer, you dumb bitch!

How long were we out, you dumb bitch!

How much interdimensional cable did we miss, you stupid bitch!

How many improv TV shows with commercials did we miss, Summer?

Why did you let us fall asleep?

-You dumb bitch! -You stupid bitch!

All right, Morty, fuck this noise.

Let's get out of here and go on a classic

-Rick and Morty adventure. -Yeah, right, Rick, I'm all-in.

No wonder you're constantly fighting

with each other and behind schedule.

-What? -Nothing.

[Rock music plays]

Rick? Hello?

Just here for my putter.

Jerry's Mind Blowers?

Follow the boys!

We're charged and aimed at Alpha Centauri,

ready for transport.

They fell for it! Let's send Gobo home!

-[Laughter] -All right!

-Where's Dad? -He should be here any second.

It's funny, Jerry spent his life seeking attention,

but in the end, humanity's instinctive dismissal of him

saved an alien's life.

He knows where to go, right?

Yep, any minute now.

[Music playing]

Did it work? Did you guys get Gobo home?

You have Gobo! You were supposed to bring him to the hill!

As if. He was in your basket

He was in your car!

[Chewing]

Oh!

Oof! Dibs on his stuff.