Original subtitles

[ popping ]

- [ sighs ] - Hey, Rick.

I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend.

You think you could help me out?

- Whatever. - Well, I mean, traditionally...

science fairs are a father-son thing.

Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

Morty, I think it would be fun for you

to work on a science project with your Dad.

[ cellphone beeps ]

Uh... [ clears throat ]

Yeah, Dad. Why don't we do it together?

Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son.

We'll get out the crayons, brew some coffee,

and knock this thing out in two or three days.

[ robot whirs ]

[ monotone ] What is my purpose?

Pass the butter.

Thank you.

[ popping ]

[ sighs ]

Dad, I need a ride to work.

Maybe Rick can give you a ride.

I'm helping Morty with science.

- I'm busy. - Doing what?

Uh, anything else.

What is my purpose?

You pass butter.

Oh, my god.

Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Since when do you have a job?

Since last week.

It's part-time at this little vintage thrift store.

My boss is this really smart, eccentric old man

that treats me nice and values me.

Meow. Can't wait to meet...

this [burps] fascinating character.

Please don't.

Oh. Well, when did this stop being Jamba Juice?

I've just recently opened for business,

Mister, um, Goldenfold.

You know my name?

[ chuckling ] That's disarming.

I also know you long for female company.

You know, it has been lonely since the divorce.

Some voids can't be filled with Jamba Juice.

This aftershave makes a man quite irresistible to women.

Free of charge.

One never pays here... not with money.

Nothing to read into there. Thanks!

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Needful.

This is my grandpa, Rick. He was just leaving.

Huh.

Tell me, Rick, what do you desire?

Eh, I make my own stuff.

So, what are you... like, the devil?

- What? Sorry? - I don't know.

Store comes out of nowhere, all the shit's old and creepy.

Are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun?

- Grandpa Rick! - Hey, I'm not judging.

Just like shoot straight. I'm a man of science.

Ah, then perhaps you could make use of this.

This microscope reveals things beyond comprehension.

[ laughs ]

[ Rick laughs ]

[ laughs louder ]

[ Rick laughs louder ]

[ laughs louder ]

[ Rick laughs louder ]

[ laughs louder ]

Grandpa, go home and drink.

[ swoop! ]

Why don't we do a model of the solar system?

That's what my Dad did with me when I was your age.

Oh, okay.

You know, Rick's in his lab, making cyborgs

and wormholes and all that weird stuff,

but this is real science.

A man and his boy, making planets.

Hey, how about we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto?

And then Jupiter...

Uh, actually, I don't think Pluto's a planet.

[ chuckles ]

Of course Pluto's a planet, son.

I learned that in the third grade.

Well, yeah, but you know they changed it.

Morty, nobody changed the planets.

I just googled it. Pluto's not a planet.

They changed it in 2006.

Yeah, I heard about that, Morty.

And I disagree. - You disagree?

That's right. It's possible to disagree in science, Morty.

Pluto was a planet.

Some committee of fancy assholes disagree.

I disagree back. Give me a ping-pong ball.

Um, okay. I-I just have to...

Go find Rick and go over my head about Pluto?

No. Geez!

I just gotta go to the bathroom. Damn.

Oh. [ coughs ] Okay, good.

[ laughing ] This is gonna be fun.

[ electricity crackling ]

Hey, Morty, let me [burps]... let me [burps]...

let me ask you a question real quick.

Does evil exist, and if so,

can one detect and measure it?

- Um... - Rhetorical question, Morty.

The answer's "yes, you just have to be a genius."

Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope

that would have made me retarded.

Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick.

I'm don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know?

Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled.

I'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope,

it would have made me mentally retarded.

Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick.

I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for

powerful groups that are doing the right thing.

Well, that's retarded.

- What are you talking about? - Apparently, nothing.

You asked him if Pluto's a planet, didn't you?

- No! - It's not.

- Shut up, Rick. - Whoa.

I don't care what anyone says.

If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again.

Planet. Planet, planet, planet.

Stay scientific, Jerry.

This aftershave made women want me,

but it also made me impotent!

A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold.

A price for everything.

[ laughs evilly ]

[ gasps ] Oh, my god!

How could I not see this coming?!

[ sobbing ] My lust!

My greed!

I deserved this!

This serum should [burps] counteract the negative effects.

Holy cats! Ladies, let's get out of here.

[ door opens ] I haven't learned a thing!

Here. [burps]

You can have this [burps] back.

You didn't use it?

Sure I did... to develop this.

It detects and catalogs all your "Twilight Zone,"

Ray Bradbury, "Friday the 13th" The Series

voodoo crap magic.

I thought you might want it so you didn't

accidentally sell anybody, say...

A typewriter that generates best-selling murder mysteries

and then makes the murders happen in real life?

Ooh. - Be quiet.

Don't you want to make sure

people know what they're getting?

You're not intentionally selling...

Beauty cream that makes ugly ladies pretty

but also makes them blind?

I find this all quite preposterous.

Oh, I say, good sir. Oh, harrumph.

Oh, oh [babbles]!

That's beautiful.

You know it's gonna be wearing you in three hours?

[ door opens ] Do I need to call the police?

Here, you can use my phone.

Don't worry, it won't make you deaf

because I'm not a hack.

Hey!

[ both grunting ]

You think you're fucking so great!

Stop it! No!

Fuck yeah, man.

Stop it right now!

Grandpa Rick, I like working here.

- You work for the devil. - So what?

- BOTH: "So what?" - Yes!

So what if he's the devil, Rick?

At least the devil has a job.

At least he's active in the community.

What do you do?

You eat our food and make gadgets.

Buh-bye.

Wh[burps]Oops.

[ giggles ]

I'm sorry, Mr. Needful. I'll clean that up.

I don't know what I can do about the ghost lady

that came out of it, but... - It's fine.

Summer, you know, your grandfather's right.

This store curses people. That's my business.

Well, yeah. Fast-food gives people diabetes,

and clothing stores have sweatshops.

Is there a company hiring teenagers that isn't evil?

This is my first job.

You've been nice to me, Mr. Needful.

You respect me.

Please, call me "The Devil."

I'd rather not, actually.

Yes, perhaps not during business hours.

I told you, I want to file a declaration

that Pluto is a planet.

Well, then my son's going to fail his science class,

and when that happens, I'm suing you first.

[ clicks ]

I think I know what the "A" in N.A.S.A. stands for.

- Dad, what's your endgame? - Ain't no game, sucka.

Why don't we just make the solar system with eight planets?

It's even easier.

Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake

for saying the sun is round?

Science isn't always easy, Morty.

[ humming ]

Whoa! Whoa!

What the hell?!

[ both groaning ]

[ ting! ]

[ hisses, buzzes ]

[ fanfare plays ]

I'm King Flippy Nips, ruler of Pluto.

We discovered you quite by accident

during routine surveillance of your world.

You really gave it to those guys at N.A.S.A.

I was... you know,

sometimes science is about conviction.

It'd like to introduce you to a few people

that very much agree with you.

Oh, I...

[ echoing ] Plutonians.

Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth,

where he's creating a model of our solar system.

Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision.

[ clears throat ]

[ echoing ] Um... Pluto's a planet.

[ cheers and applause ]

Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!

Oh, man. This is definitely gonna go to his head.

If it's athletic prowess you desire, Principal Vagina,

I might... - I'll take it.

B-But I haven't even...

Thank you very, very much.

Great store. Great place. Bye.

Huh. Okay.

I must say, Summer, I thought your grandfather's outburst

would have disrupted business,

but this is the best weekend I've had since Salem.

Nice. "Wholesome Delight" for lunch?

- Is that the vegan place? - Yeah, I love their soup.

I'm kind of soup-ed out.

[ door opens ] Mrs. Tate, is it?

What do you desire?

Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey.

Oh, is there a limit? Everything's free, right?

Let's just say you don't pay... with money.

[ both chuckle ] That was perfect.

You pay with the curses, right?

Um... I... well...

But, Mrs. Tate, why do you want cursed items?

Well, I'm going to get the curses removed

at "Curse Purge Plus."

You know, the guy on TV?

[ door closes ] What?

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff

from a mysterious antique or thrift store

that gives you powers but fucks with you

in unforeseeable ways?

Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus."

[burps] I use science to UN-curse the items for cash,

and you get to keep the powers.

This guy got mysterious sneakers

to make him run faster, but guess what?

He would have had to run until he died,

making them worthless.

I removed the curse, making them worth,

like, I don't know, $8 million.

See you at the Olympics.

This eerily intelligent doll

was threatening to murder its family.

Now it does their taxes.

Everything's deductible.

Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul.

Pay for it with money.

You know, like how every other store in the world works?

We're located at First and Main in Old Town.

Come on... come on down.

"First and..."

[ babbles ]

That's right across the street from "Needful Things,"

where you can get evil items for free!

Diabolic son of a motherf...

We're back on "Good Morning, Pluto."

And a very good morning it is

for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith,

who's making headlines with his bold announcement

that is what, Jerry?

Pluto is a planet.

[ chuckling ] Well, how about that.

I love it. [ cheers and applause ]

Morty Smith. I'm Scroopy Noopers.

I'm a scientist. Can I show you something?

Uh, I better not.

Right now.

[ blurp! ]

The center of Pluto, Mr. Smith,

is made of a substance called "plutonium."

mines like these suck plutonium up to the cities,

where corporations use it to power everything,

from diamond cars to golden showers.

And the more we remove, the more Pluto shrinks.

[ rumbles ] There it goes again.

Just shrank a little.

But a few years ago,

your scientists noticed Pluto had gotten so small

they couldn't even call it a "planet" anymore.

Should've been our wake-up call.

But the rich plutonians won't wake up,

and they love your Dad telling everyone Pluto's a planet

because that means they can keep mining

until Pluto goes from planet to asteroid

to meteor, and finally...

poof. - Um, a party?

Is everyone in your family an idiot?

Well, for sure me and my Dad are.

[ sighs ] Well, all you have to do

is get him to admit that,

and you could save four billion lives.

Yeah, you know, the thing is my Dad's really insecure.

Hmm. Funny.

Mr. Needful, out of everything in the store,

you'll never guess what we couldn't get rid of.

[ gasps ] - [ sputtering ]

Oh, my god.

[ grunting ]

Oh, my god.

I wish this desk was lighter.

I wish this knot was looser.

[ grunts ] Come on.

[ blows ] I don't...

[ grunts ]

Wait, what am I doing?

I wish I knew CPR.

1, 2, 3.

[ chokes, sputters ] Oh, Jesus.

What a waste of a monkey paw.

Mr. Needful, how could you even think of doing

something so horrible?

I'm the devil. What should I do

when I fail... get myself an ice cream?

You haven't failed.

People like Rick are making me obsolete.

I mean, seriously. I may be "the devil,"

but your grandpa is the devil.

I just want to go back to hell,

where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny.

No! It's not fair.

Everyone in this town got something they wanted

from you... even Rick.

I was your only friend, and I get nothing?

Okay. I'll give you one thing. Name it.

I want to help you.

Clever twist.

I learned from the best, you old fart.

Now, let's go get you hydrated.

Looks like we've got...

haunted boxing gloves that will make you

the heavyweight champion in 1936,

and then you'll be trapped there,

winning the same fight for eternity.

I can take out the "eternity" and the padding,

and then you'll have some time-traveling mittens.

Oh, look, it's Rosemary's Baby.

How's business?

Here's the last of our inventory.

We're going to file chapter 1 1 and do some restructuring.

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick."

That was important to you, wasn't it?

Nope. Lt was important to your dumb devil friend.

To me, this was all just a bit,

like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer

for 20 minutes.

He tried to kill himself.

[ laughing ] Seriously? Holy crap.

Holy crap.

But you know what, Grandpa Rick?

He's strong, and he's never going to give up.

- Uh-huh, yeah, I don't care. - Oh, I know.

- Everyone knows you don't care. - So?

So have fun not caring.

- I always do. - Good.

Yeah, it is good. [burps] It's the best.

I'm sure it is.

- Bye. - Later.

I'm here to pick up my undead cat and child.

Yeah, uh... give me a sec.

These are the forms for the employee health plan.

All right, yeah, put... put them on my... eh.

I just got bored.

Everybody out.

JERRY: All right, just one more rally,

then I promise we'll get back to your science project.

Dad, Pluto isn't a planet.

It's shrinking because of corporations.

Yeah, that's what that anti-planet nut job

Scroopy Noopers was screaming about

outside the Ministry of Money's Fundraiser.

Are you telling me four billion Plutonians are wrong?

You said science wasn't easy.

I said science isn't a/ways easy.

Obviously, that means sometimes it is easy.

Let's not debase ourselves with word games, son.

Dad, their whole planet is dying.

Ha! You called it a planet. Checkmate.

What's up, Pluto?

[ cheers and applause ]

[ classical music plays ]

Mr. Smith, please tell my friend here

what you just told me. Go on.

My very eager mother just served us nine pickles,

and the "pickles" is Pluto.

[ sputters ] My god, the man's a genius.

Um, excuse me.

Morty, what?

Dad, what did you think about the recent report

published by The Pluto Science Reader

linking Pluto-quakes, sinkholes, and surface shrinkage

to deep-core plutonium drilling?

Well, son, what did you think

when you were five and you pooped your pants,

and you threw your poopy undies out your bedroom window

because you thought it was like

throwing something in the garbage?

[ laughter ]

I mean, I'm trimming the hedges,

and these things are just hanging there.

Was I supposed to think the poop bunny left them?

Good one, Dad.

Hey, Morty, you want to go on a... oh.

Hey, Beth. Hello?

Hey, Jerry, you in here being stupid?

[ sighs, burps ]

[ robot whirs ]

Thanks.

Hey, you know, I was thinking, you know,

I might watch a movie.

I am not programmed for friendship.

Suit yourself. [ burps ]

[ hums ]

Hey. [clears throat] Hey.

W-W-What's going on?

Um, can you help me do the stupid science fair project?

Whatever.

PLUTONIAN: Jerry, you must be so excited.

The Pluto-bel prize is the highest honor

a scientist can receive.

I'm flattered and humbled.

Oh, I like that. Use that in your speech.

Also, talk about Pluto being a planet.

People like that.

Your highness, we've captured Scroopy Noopers.

You animals! Animals!

Ooh, look who's little journey's come to an end.

Take him to Pluto-namo Bay.

You can't kill the truth, father.

- What? - I can see you're confused.

Pluto-namo Bay is a military prison...

a sort of play on words.

Did he call you "father"?

Scroopy Noopers, the anti-planet nutjob,

is your son?

The young eat the old if you let them, Jerry.

Pluto is a cold, cold celestial dwarf.

- It's a what? - Huh? Oh, planet.

[ laughs ]

"Pluto is a cold, cold planet."

That's what I meant.

Knock them dead out there, you.

[ echoing ] Pluto is...

[ sighs ] not a planet.

- [ shouting ] - Ow! It's not a planet.

Hey! It's not a planet!

I'm an idiot, and I love my son.

It was a long six hours,

but we've overhauled "Needful Things"

into the globally-compliant web 4.0

"E-nomenon," n33dful.Com,

spelled with threes instead of "E's."

[ cheering ]

Okay, that's it. We just got bought by Google!

Mm. I'm so proud of you, Lucius.

So, how much did we make?

[ chuckling ] "We."

This is my business. Security!

[ gasps ] You're Zuckerberg-ING me?

I was Zuckerberg-ING people

before Zuckerberg's balls dropped.

I'm the devil, bitch! What, what?!

[ fiddle plays ]

Hey! [ groans ]

- Hey, Morty. - Oh, oh, hey, Dad.

Um, what... what are you doing back from Pluto so quick?

Uh... some people just can't handle the truth.

Especially dummies like me.

Morty, I'm not as smart as your grandpa Rick,

but I promise never to make that your problem again.

Hey, Dad.

Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my Dad.

You're a genius at that.

Wow. [ sniffles ]

That's... humbling and flattering, son.

Thank you.

What say we finish ourselves an eight-planet solar system?

Um... I'm just gonna take this thing in

and get an "A." - Butter.

- But... - You're a genius...

at being my Dad, Dad.

Quit while you're ahead.

And also, knock next time, you know?

I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm 14...

I got a computer in here, you know?

Oh, I... I think I understand.

You're really playing with fire

when you burst in here like that, man.

I get it. Say no more.

I mean, one of these days,

you know, you're gonna end up seeing something.

I got it! Noted. Good night.

[ metal music playing ]

How's your pretend grandpa doing, aka "The Devil"?

- He dumped me. - Oof. Sorry.

Did we learn a lesson here I'm not seeing?

Not sure.

Maybe in a much bigger way,

Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted?

Because I was always jealous of you hanging out with Morty,

and you didn't realize how much you valued my approval?

- No, that's dumb. - Yeah, not satisfying.

I'll tell you what, though.

If... if... if it's satisfaction you're after,

I think I might have an idea.

[ whispering ] - Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, totally. Let's do it.

♪ X gonna give it to ya ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Wait for you to get it on your own,

X gonna deliver to ya ♪

♪ Knock knock, open up the door, it's real ♪

♪ With the non-stop pop pop and stainless steel ♪

♪ Go hard, getting busy with it ♪

♪ but I got such a good heart

that I'll make the mother wonder if he did it ♪

♪ Damn right, and I'll do it again,

'cause I am nice so I gots to win ♪

♪ Break bread with the enemy ♪

♪ But no matter how many cats I break bread with,

I'll break who you... ♪

And that's how I took my storefront

into the forefront of the up front.

Thank you, Seattle.

[ cheers and applause ]

Rick? Summer?

[ audience groans ]

Stupid motherfucker!

You stupid bitch.

Stupid motherfucker!

How do you like that? How do you like that?

[ grunts, groans ]

W-W-Why?

Because sometimes what you really need is

for someone else to pay a horrible price.

[ whimpers ]

[ spits ]

- We did it. - Yeah, bro.

We totally worked it. We did it!

We just pulled it off.

Yeah, bro. Yeah.

♪ Bitch, please, if the only thing you cats did

was came out to play ♪

♪ Stay out my way, mother ♪

♪ First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll ♪

♪ Then we let it pop, don't let it go ♪

♪ X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya ♪

♪ First we gonna rock, then we gonna roll ♪

♪ Then we let it pop, don't let it go ♪

♪ X gonna give it to ya, he gonna give it to ya ♪

♪ Ain't never gave nothing to me ♪

Did you get any of that?

It's a good-a show!