All language subtitles for Rick and Morty Season 1 Episode 1 Pilot

Morty, you got to... come on.

- You got to come with me.
- Rick, what's going on?

I got a surprise for you, Morty.

It's the middle of the night.
What are you talking about?

I got a surprise for you.

Ow!
Ow! You're tugging me too hard.

I got a surprise for you, Morty.

What do you think
of this flying vehicle, Morty?

I built it out of stuff I found
in the garage.

Yeah, Rick, it's great.

- Is this the surprise?
- Morty, I had to...

I had to... I had to...
I had to make a bomb, Morty.

- I had to create a bomb.
- What?! A bomb?!

We're gonna drop it down there just
get a whole fresh start, Morty.

- Create a whole fresh start.
- T-t-that's absolutely crazy!

Come on, Morty.
Just take it easy, Morty.

It's gonna be good.

Right now, we're gonna go pick
up your little friend Jessica.

Jessica?
From my math class?

When I drop the bomb...

you know, I want you to

have somebody, you know I
want you to have the thing

I'm gonna make it like a new Adam
and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.

And Jessica's gonna be Eve,
and so that's the surprise, Morty.

No, you can't!

Jessica doesn't
even know I exist.

But but forget about that,

because you can't
blow up humanity.

I-I get what you're
trying to say, Morty.

Listen, I'm not you
don't you don't got to worry about me...

trying to fool around with with Jessica
or mess around with Jessica or anything.

I'm I'm not that
kind of guy, Morty.

What are you talking
about, Rick?

You you don't have to worry about
me getting with Jessica or anything.

She she she she...
she's all for you, Morty.

I don't care about Jessica!

You know what, Morty?

You're right.

Let's forget the girl all
together.

She she's probably nothing
but trouble, anyways.

Arming neutrino bomb.

That's it that's it, Rick.

I'm taking the wheel.

Get off of me, Morty!

I'm taking charge of
this situation, buddy.

What's gotten into you?

I'm I'm I'm I'm not gonna stand
around like some sort of dumb...

What are you, crazy?

...person and just
let you blow up the whole world.

All right, all right.

I'll I'll land.

I'll land. I'll land.

I'll land the thing.

Big tough guy all of a sudden.

We'll park it right here, Morty.

Right here on the side
of the road here.

Oh, thank God.

You know what?

That was all a test, Morty.

Just an elaborate test to make
you more assertive.

It was?

Sure. Why not?
I don't know.

You you know what, mo-

Neutrino bomb armed.

Um...

Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

I see there's a new episode of
that singing show tonight.

Who do you guys think is gonna
be the best singer?

Oh, my God.
His head is in his food.

- I'm going to puke.
- Morty, are you getting sick?

I told you not to practice-kiss
the living-room pillow.

The dog sleeps on it.

I wasn't kissing a pillow, mom.

I just I didn't get a lot of
sleep last night.

Maybe my dreams were just too
loud or something.

Or maybe you were out all night
again with grandpa Rick.

- What?!
- Dad?

What, so everyone's supposed to
sleep every single night now?

You realize that nighttime makes
up half of all time?

Damn it!

- Jerry!
- Beth!

Oh, my God.

My parents are so loud.
I want to die.

Mm, there is no God, summer. You
got to rip that band-aid off now.

You'll thank me later.

Okay, with all due respect, Rick...
What am I talking about?

What respect is due?

How is my son supposed to pass
his classes if you keep dragging him off

for high-concept
Sci-Fi rigamarole?

Listen, Jerry, I don't want to
overstep my bounds or anything.

It's your house.
It's your world.

You're a real Julius Caesar.

But I'll tell you some tell you how
how I feel about school, Jerry.

It's a waste of time a bunch of people
running around, bumping into each other.

G-guy up front says,
"two plus two."

The people in the
back say, "four."

Then the bell rings, and they
give you a carton of milk

and a piece of paper that says you
can go take a dump or something.

I mean, it's it's not a place
for smart people, Jerry.

And I know that's not
a popular opinion,

but it's my two
cents on the issue.

This was a good breakfast, Beth.

You really made the
crap out of those eggs.

I wish your mother was
here to eat them.

Oh, dad.

What? For real?

All right, now,
everybody get settled.

Get away from the windows!

Now, look, we're gonna be dealing
with some real serious stuff today.

You might have heard of it.
It's called math.

And without it, none of us would
even exist, so let's jump right in.

- Two plus two.
- Jessica.

Five plus five.

Tenssica.

Okay, good.
It's time for the quiz.

Yeah, you know what?!
Aw, too bad!

Tough!

First row, take one.
Pass it back for me.

The stakes are
high in this room.

There's crucial things happening
here every day.

People getting smarter.
Some of y'all getting dumber.

Some of y'all ain't
gonna see 3:00.

Hi, Morty.

Whoa!
Hi, Jessica.

Can I show these to you?

Wow.

Th-they're both great.
Thank you.

You know what I named these?
My little morties.

Uh, that's
flattering... and a little weird.

Do you know what I want you
to do with them?

Rename them?

Squeeze them.

Manhandle them.
Give them the business.

See if you can shuffle them.

I mean, really get in there and
knock them around.

- No wrong answers.
- Wow.

Well, okay, Jessica.
L-let's give this a shot.

Mm.

Oh, Morty.

What are you doing to me?

Uh, I-I'm just doing my best.

Morty!
What are you doing to me?!

Jessica.

Morty!

Jessica.

Five more minutes of this,
and I'm gonna get mad.

Je-Jessica.

Jessica.

Not my fault this is happening.

Well, well, well.

- Uh, morning, Frank.
- "Morning"?

What was what is that
supposed to mean?

You making fun of me?

Are you trying to say my
family's poor?

Oh, geez, Frank.

I don't know if a knife is
necessary.

I mean, you know, y-you kind of
had things handled without it.

You telling me how to bully now?
Big mistake, Morty.

And now I'm gonna cut you,
'cause my family's rich.

There you are, Morty.
Listen to me.

I got an errand to run in a
whole different dimension.

I need an extra pair of hands.

Oh, geez, Rick.
What'd you do to Frank?

It's pretty obvious, Morty.
I froze him.

Now listen I need
your help, Morty.

I mean, we got we got to get get the hell
out of here and go take care of business.

- It's important. Come on, Morty.
- I don't know, Rick.

I can't leave school again.

Do you have any concept of how much
higher the stakes get out there, Morty?

What do you think I can just
do it all by myself?

Come on!

Aw, geez. Okay.
I guess I can skip history.

What about Frank?

I mean, shouldn't
you unfreeze him?

I'll do it later, Morty.
He'll be fine.

Let's go.

Oh, my God. I'm about to
walk past Frank Palicky.

This is the story we'll be
telling our children.

Hi, Frank.

Aah!

- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.

Knock, knock.

Jerry?

My manager gave me an
hour for lunch, and I thought,

"hey, why not swing by where
your wife works?"

We're losing him.
Okay, he's back.

Jerry, please tell me you're here
for an incredibly urgent reason.

Well, it's lunch.

I mean, it's one of three meals
that have existed for millennia.

Losing him.

Stabilized.

Okay, I only ask, Jerry,
because, as you know,

my job involves
performing heart surgery.

- Well, yeah, on horses.
- Excuse me?

Okay.
Let's not rehash that fight.

I sense that you're busy and
will now be on my way.

Whoa!

What is this on the floor?

Some kind of literature for a
really nice-looking nursing home.

Hey, honey, crazy idea bad pitch
let's put your dad here.

Let's put your dad
in a nursing home.

We're losing him.

Hey, Tom.
We know when we're losing him.

We can hear the beeps!

There she is.

All right. Come on, Morty.
Let's go.

Oh, geez. Okay.

Oh, man, Rick.

What is this place?

It's dimension 35c,

and it's got the perfect
climate conditions

for a special type
of tree, Morty, called a mega tree,

and there's fruit in those trees,
and there's seeds in those fruits.

I'm talking about mega seeds.

They're they're
incredibly powerful,

and I need them to help me
with my research, Morty.

Oh, man, Rick.
I'm looking around this place,

and I'm starting to work up some
anxiety about this whole thing.

All right. All right.
Calm down. Listen to me, Morty.

I know that new situations can
be intimidating.

You're looking around,
and it's all scary and different,

but, you know,
m-meeting them head on,

charging right into them like a
bull that's how we grow as people.

I'm no stranger to
scary situations.

I deal with them all the time.

Now, if you just stick with me,

Morty, we're gonna be holy
crap, Morty, run!

I never seen that thing
before in my life.

I don't even know
what the hell it is!

We got to get out of here,
Morty!

It's gonna kill us!

We're gonna die!

We're gonna die, Morty!

Oh, Morty, take a deep breath.

Breathe that breathe that
fresh air in, Morty.

Y-you smell that?

That's the smell of
adventure, Morty.

That's that's the smell of

of of of a whole different
evolutionary timeline.

All right, Rick, look how
much longer is this gonna be?

Shouldn't I be back
at school by now?

Are you joking me?

I mean, look at all the crazy
crap surrounding us.

Look at that thing right there.
What the hell is that thing?

You think you're gonna see that
kind of thing at school?

Look at it just
lumbering around.

It defies all logic that thing.

Yeah, Rick, I get it.

We're surrounded by monsters.

That's kind of the reason
why I want to leave.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Morty, you see this?

You see what we just
stumbled upon, Morty?

Any idea what that
is down there?

The mega trees?

That's right, Morty the mega trees
with the mega fruit on them.

And that's what I'm talking
about, Morty.

That's where my seeds are.

If we would have done
what you wanted,

I would have never
have found them,

because you're
so in love with school.

All right, all right.

So, what's so special about
these seeds, anyways?

You ask a lot of
questions, Morty.

Not very charismatic.

It makes you kind of an
Under underfoot figure.

Just take these shoes, Morty.

They're special grappling shoes.

When you're wearing these
things, these babies,

you can basically just walk on
any surface you want, Morty

up, down, below, turn around to
the left.

These things really bring it all
together.

Aah!

You have to turn them on, Morty!

The shoes have to be turned on!

I am not putting my
father in a home!

He just came back into my life,

and you want to grab him
and stuff him

under a mattress like last
month's Victoria's secret?

I told you I was ordering you
something for Valentine's day.

More importantly, your father is
a horrible influence on our son.

Everything cool in here, Beth?

- It's fine, Davin.
- Okay, cool.

You know, we did
something great today.

There's nothing more noble and
free than the heart of a horse.

Since we're fighting, if you ever
have an affair with that guy,

I will come to the hotel room and blow my
brains out all over your naked bodies.

Look, I appreciate the
stress you're under, but...

Morty was having trouble in school
way before my dad moved in,

and the only influence I
can see Rick having...

is that, for the first time in
his life, Morty has a friend.

Well, maybe you're right.

Uh, yeah, maybe I am.

I'm my father's daughter.
I'm smart.

Why do you think I'm
a heart surgeon?

Horse heart surgeon.

Hello?

Mrs. Smith?

This is principal Vagina,
no relation.

I wonder if you and Morty's
father might be able

to have a chat
with me this afternoon?

Morty, oh, you really d-did a
number on your legs right now.

You know, you got to turn the shoes
on, Morty, for them to work.

Yeah, look I turned mine on.
I had no problem getting down here.

It was a leisurely breeze.

I'm in a lot of pain, Rick.

Yeah, I can see that.

But do you think you'll still be able
to help me collect my seeds, Morty?

Are you kidding me?!

That's it, Rick!

That's the last straw!

I can't believe this!

I'm sitting here with
both of my legs broken,

and you're still asking me
about getting those seeds?!

Ooh! Ow! Oh!

Y-y-you're a monster.

Y-you're like Hitler, but

but even Hitler cared about
Germany or something.

Okay, hold on just a
second, Morty.

Ooh.

Ohh.

Ooh.

Wow, Rick.

That stuff just healed my broken
legs instantly.

I mean, I've never felt
so good in my life.

Thank you.

Don't worry about it, Morty.

Just come help me get these
seeds, all right, buddy?

Sure thing, Rick.

Not that you asked,

Morty, but what just
happened there is...

I went into a future dimension with
such advanced medicine...

that they had broken-leg serum at
every corner drugstore.

The stuff was all over the
place, Morty.

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.

There's just one problem,
Morty one little hang-up.

The dimension I visited was so

advanced, they had also halted

the aging process, and everyone

there was young, Morty, and they
had been forever.

I was the only old
person there, Morty.

It was like I was some sort of, you
know, celebrity, walking around.

I-I was fascinating to them.

There were a lot of attractive
women there, Morty,

and they they they they
all wanted time with me.

I had a lot of fun with
a lot of young ladies,

but I spent so much time there,

my interdimensional portal device
it's got no charge left, Morty.

- It's got no charge left.
- What?!

It's as good as garbage, Morty.

It's not gonna work
anymore, Morty.

Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good.

W-what are we gonna do?

I-I have to be back at school
right now.

How are we gonna get back home?

There's ways to get
back home, Morty.

It's just it's just gonna be
a little bit of a hassle.

We're gonna have to go through
interdimensional customs,

so you're gonna have
to do me a real solid.

Uh-oh.

When we get to customs,

I'm gonna need you to take
these seeds into the bathroom,

and I'm gonna need you to put them
way up inside your butthole, Morty.

In my butt?

Put them way up inside there,
as far as they can fit.

Oh, geez, Rick.

I really don't want
to have to do that.

Well, somebody's got to
do it, Morty.

Th-these seeds aren't gonna get

through customs unless they're
in someone's rectum, Morty.

And they'll fall right
out of mine.

I've done this too
many times, Morty.

I mean, you're young.

You've got your whole
life ahead of you,

and your anal cavity is
still taut, yet malleable.

You got to do it for grandpa,
Morty.

Y-you've got to put these seeds
inside your butt.

- In my butt?
- Come on, Morty.

Please, Morty.
You have to do it, Morty.

Oh, man.

The fact is, your son, Morty,

has attended this school for a

total of seven hours over the
last two months.

What?
Why didn't you notify us?

I done been notifying you.

Have you not been getting the

messages I've been leaving with
Morty's grandfather?

Boom!

Told you! In your face!
He is ruining our child!

Wait, what am I celebrating?

Yeah, see, I thought
something was fishy there,

because it's usually
Morty's grandpa

that's taking him out of school.

Summer?

What kind
of God lets this happen?

We had a little incident.

A student was frozen to death.

And there's no evidence that a
Latino student did it!

Everyone wants to take this
to a racial place.

I won't let them.

The glarp zone is for
flarping and unglarping only.

So, I told him, "give me the
blimfarx," you know?

This this guy he doesn't
understand interstellar currency.

It's, like, I'm trying to eat

a flimflam like, that's what
we eat on girvonesk.

The glarp zone is for
flarping and unglarping only.

I don't like it here, Morty.
I can't abide bureaucracy.

I don't like being told where to
go and what to do.

I consider it a violation.

Did you get those seeds all the
way up your butt?

Yeah, Rick.

Let's just get this
over with, okay?

I mean, these things are pointy.

They hurt.

That means they're good ones.

You're a good kid, Morty.

Those mega seeds are super
valuable to my work.

You've been a huge help to me.

I'm gonna be able to do
all kind of things with them.

It's gonna be great, Morty.

All kinds of science.

Okay, next through.

Except you. You go over there.

Why does he have to go
over there?

Random check.

He's got to go through
the new machine.

What new machine?

It's a new machine.

It detects stuff all the way up
your butt.

Run, Morty! Run!

Aah!

Red alert!

Ohhhhh!

Hey! Ohhhhhh.

Aah!

Don't think about it!

Ooh!

Oh, nice, Morty!

The student becomes the teacher.

Whoooooo!

Aah!

Aw, hell, no, dawg.

You know me I'm just trying to-

Aah!

I need to type in the coordinates
to our home world, Morty.

- Cover me.
- Oh, man.

I mean, you know, I-I don't want
to shoot nobody.

They're just robots, Morty!

It's okay to shoot them!
They're robots!

Aah!

My leg is shot off!

Glenn's bleeding to death!

Someone call his
wife and children!

They're not robots, Rick!

It's a figure of speech, Morty.

They're bureaucrats.
I don't respect them.

Just keep shooting, Morty.

You have no idea what prison
is like here!

Holy crap!
This is insane!

Come on, Morty!

We got to get the
hell out of here!

Wow.

Did you just come into the
cafeteria through a portal?

Uh, yeah.

Well, you know, my my
Ferrari's in the shop.

Just kidding.

- You're Morty, right?
- Yeah.

You can get his number later.
Come on, Morty.

We got to get out of here.

You got to get those seeds out
of your ass.

Oh, look, honey. It's our
son with Albert Ein-douche.

What?

I'm an angry father,
not an improvisor.

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Oh, my goodness, Morty!

What are you doing out of class?

We talked about this.

Your your parents and I are very
disappointed in in this behavior.

No? No takers?

You guys should really not be
touching that stuff.

- It's beyond your reasoning.
- You're beyond our reasoning!

Takes one to know one.

Dad, how could you make

my son miss an entire
semester of school?

I mean, it's not like he's a hot
girl.

He can't just bail on his life and
set up shop in someone else's.

What what are you
guys doing with my stuff?

We're moving you... to a
nursing home.

A nursing home?

What are what are you, nuts?

I'm a genius.
I build robots for fun.

Well, now you can
build baskets and watch

Paul Newman movies on VHS...

and mentally scar the boy scouts
every Christmas.

- What does that mean?
- It's personal.

Dad, mom, come on.

Rick just needed my help is all.

Morty, stay out of this.

You are obviously not capable of

judging these
situations on your own.

What are you trying to
say about Morty?

That he's stupid or something?

Oh, don't high-road us, dad.

You know fully well that Morty

is the last child that needs to
be missing classes.

I-I-I don't know what
you mean by that.

Can can can you be a
little bit more specific?

Oh, for crying out he's got some
kind of disability or something.

Is that what you want us to say?

I do?

Well, duh doy, son.

Look, I love you, Morty, but...

we both know you're not as
fast as the other kids,

and if you want
to compete in this world,

you got to work twice as hard.

Aw, geez, dad.

Y-you know, that's a lot to drop
on a kid all at once.

Morty, t-tell your
parents the square root of pi.

Oh, come on, Rick.
You know I can't.

The square root of pi, Morty.
Go!

1.77245385.

Whoa!

What the hell?

Holy crap. He's right.

Morty, tell your parents the
first law of Thermodynamics.

"The increment in the
internal energy of a system is...

equal to the increment of heat
supplied to the system."

Wow! I'm so smart!

But I told the both of
you school is stupid.

It's not how you learn things.

Morty's a gifted child.
He has a special mind.

That's why he's
my little helper.

He's like me.

He's gonna be doing great
science stuff later in his life.

He's too smart for school.

He needs to keep hanging out
and helping me.

Jerry, I don't want whatever's
happening here to stop.

No, I-I understand.

Uh, maybe we overreacted.

But he has to keep
going to school.

Okay, Jerry.

You drive a hard bargain, but
what am I supposed to do?

Say no?

You you really wear the pants
around here.

I just want you to know,

between us, from now on,
it's gonna be

100% honesty and open,
clear communication.

Frank Palicky was
frozen to death today!

No idea what you're
talking about.

Okay.

Well, uh, Morty, it's your
bedtime in an hour.

Don't stay up all night again.

This is good, though.
This can work.

I think we can be a family.

And now, Beth, if you'll have me,
I would love to have you.

You know what?
Okay.

Holy cow, Rick.

I didn't know hanging out with
you was making me smarter.

Full disclosure, Morty it's not.

Temporary superintelligence is
just a side effect of the mega

seeds dissolving in
your rectal cavity.

Aw, man.

Yeah, and once those
seeds wear off,

you're gonna lose most
of your motor skills,

and you're also gonna lose
a significant amount of

brain functionality for 72
hours, Morty.

Starting right about now.

Ohh, man.
Oh, geez! Ohh.

I'm sorry, Morty.
It's a bummer.

In reality, you're as
dumb as they come.

And I needed those seeds real bad,
and I had to give them up

just to get your
parents off my back,

so now we're gonna
have to go get more.

And then we're gonna go on even
more adventures after that, Morty.

And you're gonna keep your mouth
shut about it, Morty,

because the world is full of idiots that
don't understand

what's important, and they'll
tear us apart, Morty.

But if you stick with me, I'm gonna
accomplish great things, Morty,

and you're gonna
be part of them,

and together, we're gonna
run around, Morty.

We're gonna do all kinds of
wonderful things, Morty.

Just you and me, Morty.

The outside world is
our enemy, Morty.

We're the only friends
we've got, Morty.

It's just Rick and Morty. Rick and
Morty and their adventures, Morty.

Rick and Morty
forever and forever.

100 years, Rick and
Morty's things.

Me and Rick and Morty running
around, and Rick and Morty time.

All day long, forever.

All a hundred days.

Rick and Morty
forever 100 times.

Over and over,
rickandmortyadventures.com.

www.rickandmorty.com.

www.rickandmortyadventures.

All 100 years.

Every minute, rickandmorty.com.

www.100timesrickandmorty.com.

Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com