Original subtitles

CHRIS ROCK: Everyone agrees that one of the most important days

of the year is Mother's Day.

ALL: Happy Mother's Day!

Oh, you guys didn't have to do this.

Everybody wants to show their mama how much they love them.

Even Tupac wrote a song about his mother.

On Mother's Day, people pull out all the stops.

You take your mother to brunch...

We're out of food. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

If you could come back next Sunday.

What do you mean, next Sunday?

We're out of food, Mama. What you want me to do?

Didn't I raise you better than that?!

You take her to a movie so she can wear a great big hat...

and you spend your last dime on her,

just so she knows she's number one.

Oh, my God! Ha-ha-ha! Come on.

Oh! Oh! Oh, I can't believe you did this.

But when it comes to Father's Day, nobody gave a damn.

It's Father's Day, people.

Come on down to Pastures and Shores.

The food is half-price.

Buenas noches. ¿Como se dice"half-off"?

The movies are terrible...

[ALL CLAMORING]

Turn it off! Turn it off!

The gifts suck...

Ta-da!

What the hell is this?

It's a parking space, honey.

We got you a parking space.

This year, I wanted to get my father the perfect gift,

and the only way to do that was to ask him what he wanted.

Dad, what present do you want for Father's Day?

Heh-heh, wanna get me something for Father's Day?

Help me knock off one of these bills.

ROCHELLE: Julius...

Okay.

Father's Day...

You know what?

Y'all really wanna get me something for Father's Day?

I know exactly what I want. What's that, baby?

A day off.

You mean a day off from work? No.

A day off from everything and everybody.

No fighting, no shouting,

no complaining, no fixing.

Just one day where I can do whatever I feel like doing.

I hope he doesn't want to leave us for a white girl.

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now

[***]

GREG: So, wait, your dad says he doesn't want anything?

Nope. All he said was he wanted to be all alone.

Watch out. My mother said she wanted a day alone.

Next thing we knew, she left and moved to Poughkeepsie.

I don't care what he says. I'm gonna get him something.

My father said what he wanted.

My mother said what he was gonna get.

What kind of gift is a day off from your family?

It's just one day.

How is that supposed to make the kids feel?

Women always used the kids against you.

It's Father's Day and you don't want to be a father.

I did not say that.

They're trying to honor you,

and all you got to say is, "Leave me the hell alone."

I did not say, "Leave me the hell alone."

You may as well have.

I haven't had a day to myself in 13 years.

If I didn't want to be a father, I...

That look means if you want to keep being a father

you better keep your mouth shut.

It is supposed to be our day to do something special for you.

That's what I'm trying to say.

Why can't I do what the hell I want to do?

Huh? Say what?

Uh... You got the keys?

Well, what you gonna do here all day by yourself anyway?

Nothing.

Well, can the kids at least get you a real gift?

What?

What's that? Every Father's Day card

and present I've gotten for the past four years.

Look at this.

A box of S-Curl. I got you that.

A macaroni cigar box. Oh, that's so cute.

I got four ties: a necktie a bow tie, bolo tie...

I got him that.

...and a clip-on tie.

I don't even wear ties. I don't go nowhere.

That's $28.46 we could have used on something else.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

I appreciate it, I really do, but if you buy me presents,

I'm just gonna have to work to pay it off.

At this rate, I'll be working when I'm dead.

Julius, you're dead. What are you doing here?

Trying to pay off these presents.

Listen, can I work the graveyard shift?

Fine. Okay, then.

Have your little stinky day off.

But on your birthday, I will promise you this.

You will be getting a cake,

and you will like it. Oh, I know.

You better jump back and kiss yourself.

And, uh, put up the groceries.

Before your day off.

Does he have any hobbies?

Is taking naps a hobby? No.

So, what are you getting your dad for Father's Day?

I don't know if "getting" is right. It's more like "doing."

Okay, so, what are you doingfor your dad?

Well, first, I'm making his favorite breakfast,

Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.

I tried to imagine doing the things

that Greg talked about with my father.

Like bringing him Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.

Are you crazy?

Boy, you better bring me some bacon.

I thought about taking my dad to the zoo to see penguins.

We paid $3.50 to see a bird that can't fly?

What you gonna show me next, rats that don't eat cheese?

I even imagined us shooting off bottle rockets

in front of the house.

[ROCKET SHRIEKING]

[BOOMING EXPLOSION]

[GUNSHOTS] [PEOPLE YELLING]

Run, boy, run!

I wonder if Greg's dad ever got shot at.

You decided what you're gonna do?

I can't do the stuff you talked about.

I only have $27.

That's not bad. If I were you, I'd figure out

what he needs and just give him that.

I wonder if it would ruin our friendship

if I smacked his eyebrows off?

What you looking for, Chris?

Oh, I'm trying to find my father something for Father's Day.

Heh, Father's Day.

My daddy liked guns, liquor and women.

I guess he liked jail too.

What does your daddy like to do?

That's the tough part.

All he does is sleep and work.

I know what that's like. But I got just the thing.

A Swiss LCD quartz calculator alarm watch.

Well, he has an alarm clock at home.

What's he need one in his watch for?

You never know.

[ALARM BEEPING]

Oh!

Thank goodness for this watch.

Hm, I never thought of that.

It's got a calculator too.

He can figure out how muchanythingcosts.

If it came with a side of bacon,

that would have been the best gift in history.

How much does it cost?

Twenty-four ninety-five.

He just made that up. I'll take it.

How come Daddy doesn't wanna be with us on Father's Day?

Oh, baby, it's not that your daddy

doesn't wanna be with us,

it's just that he works hard all the time

and wants to have a little time to be by himself.

Man, that's cool. I can't wait until I'm a father

so I can have this whole house to myself.

You are not gonna be a father in this house,

because I ain't taking care of no babies.

Lost your mind.

Well, can we still get him a present?

Sure, baby. What'd you have in mind?

These. See, I took Daddy's old slippers

and put macaroni on them.

Oh, baby, that's nice.

I'm gonna help you wrap them later.

Can you help me wrap mine too?

I'm making dad cologne.

Where did you learn how to make cologne?

I saw it in the back of a magazine.

All I need is oil,

something to give it a little smell

and, uh, alcohol.

Then just leave it in a jar for a week.

Mama, since Daddy wants to be by himself,

what are we gonna do?

We are gonna have some fun.

Chris! Time to eat!

Hey, Dad, what's all that stuff? It's a bunch of stuff

guys on my route got me for Father's Day.

Oh, look at this.

It's an LCD quartz calculator alarm watch.

It's the best gift I ever got. Ha-ha!

Maybe I could glue some macaroni to his shoes.

* Everybody hates Chris

[***]

ALL: Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day, baby. We love you.

Oh-ho-ho! I love y'all too. Yeah.

Hey, y'all have fun today, okay?

Daddy, aren't you gonna read your card?

Ooh, yeah. Let's see here.

Oh. Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

"To the best dad in the whole world." Oh.

That's so sweet.

Oh, thank you.

Y'all enjoy y'all selves today, all right? Okay, bye-bye.

Dad, we made your favorite thing for breakfast.

I brought your gout pills, so you can eat without worrying.

Oh, man, bacon, eggs with cheese, biscuits and butter.

I feel like I died and went to heaven.

Oh! Thank you, baby.

Oh, you're welcome, baby. They did it all.

When y'all leaving, huh?

All right, in a minute. And you're welcome.

And, baby, make sure you take those pills, okay?

All right. You guys go get ready so we can go.

Hurry up, now. Hurry up. Faster.

Isn't that sweet? There you go.

We have the best kids in the world.

Oh, yeah. They're so sweet.

They are.

That look means, "Ain't you supposed to be leaving?"

You better hurry up. I mean...

You're gonna be late for your, uh... The, um, ahem...

Uh, the...

Uh, what y'all doing? We're going to the museum.

And to see the movie Trading Places.

Oh, that should be funny. Right. Right.

So you better hurry up, all right?

Okay, Julius, we're leaving.

Well, I'll be home in time for dinner, okay?

Thank you. I love you.

I love you too, baby. Thank you.

You have a good day. All right. Oh, I will.

Get on out of here. Happy Father's Day!

Hey, enjoy yourself. I will.

For my father to have one day

where he could do whatever he felt like doing

was like finding a million dollars.

[***]

He slept on the couch.

He slept in the bed.

He slept on the dining room table

and dreamt his favorite dreams.

Seventeen cent worth of butter.

He watched bowling.

Yeah!

Ha-ha-ha! Yes!

He watched baseball. ANNOUNCER:Here's the pitch.

It's gone! Yeah!

CHRIS ROCK: He watched golf.

ANNOUNCER: On it's way, and it's in.

Oh-ho-ho, yeah!

CHRIS ROCK: He even did stuff we didn't know he did, like painting.

While my father was doing things

he wouldn't do while we were around,

we were doing things we wouldn't do

while he was around.

Okay, y'all stay where I can see you.

All right, now, you sure about this?

Mr. Harris gave me my money back on the watch,

so I wanted to see if I can find Dad something he'll like.

Okay. But gift or no gift,

if you're not home by 6:30, I'm calling the police.

My mother always told us if we weren't home on time,

she was calling the police.

Here. What's this?

Oh, it's money I was gonna use

to buy a gift for your dad. Thanks.

You're welcome, baby. Be careful.

The only thing tougher than finding a gift

for the man that has everything

is finding one for the man that wants nothing.

The only time my father wore a suit

was at funerals, graduations and on laundry day.

The closest my father got to jewelry

was listening to Neil Diamond.

I hope it lasts as long as the payments.

I wasn't sure if he would feed the rabbit,

or use the rabbit to feed us.

And let's just say he wasn't the leg warmer type.

While I was trying to figure out what to get my father,

my mother was trying to figure out

what she had gotten herself into.

What is that?

Well, honey, that's art.

You sure? Looks like somebody got shot

and fell in a bucket of mustard.

Be quiet, boy.

This is culture.

How much more culture do we have to get?

Girl, just look at the picture.

[GROUP CHATTERING]

[CHILD LAUGHS]

I wish Dad was here.

Maybe he could explain this.

Hey, Risky? Hold up, little man.

I had looked for a gift everywhere I could,

so I decided to look somewhere I shouldn't have.

What kind of stuff do you have for Father's Day?

Father's Day? That ain't a big one for me.

There ain't none but four fathers in the neighborhood.

Now, Mother's Day, I had a whole bunch of stuff.

How much you got to spend? Thirty-seven dollars.

Thirty-seven dollars? You knock over a liquor store?

I saved up. Man,

keep saving like that, you'll be rich in a minute.

Maybe then I can buy one of those pink sweaters, like him.

Your old man like music? Who's that?

Oh.

We got John Travolta,

William Shatner. Oh! Liberace.

That's for fathers that were too old for Elton John.

No, thanks. What else you got?

Uh... Oh!

How about these... for your mom?

For Father's Day? Yeah. For him to give to her.

No.

Uh, I'm sorry I can't help you out, young blood,

but, hey, you come back Mother's Day, I'll hook you up.

Listen, watch this for a few minutes.

I'm gonna run across the street, pay my light bill. All right?

Sure.

Tell your daddy to call me and happy Father's Day.

Back at home, my father still had the house to himself...

Rochelle?

Chris?

...whether he liked it or not.

ANNOUNCER: And if you order now,

you'll get this set of microwavable...

MAN: In the city that never sleeps...

WOMAN: Psychic Station TV Network...

MAN: This proud father goose is no exception.

He graciously watches over and protects his chicks,

assuring their safety until they are old enough

to fend for themselves.

In the wild, babies are almost never abandoned

and rarely left alone for any extended period of time.

CHRIS ROCK: A great man once said,

"Nothing screams louder than the sound of silence."

I think it was Nipsy Russell.

Thank you. Enjoy your show.

Hi. Um, can I have one adult, two children

Youmustthink I'm a fool.

You want me to believe he's under 12?

JULIUS: Yeah, she does.

TONYA: Daddy! DREW: Dad!

ROCHELLE: What are you doing here?

I missed you guys.

Father's Day without your family...

it's like not being a father.

That look means,

"That's what I was trying to tell your stupid ass!"

Come here.

Where's Chris? Oh, he went to buy you a gift.

But I told... Julius, please, just promise me

you will act like it's the best gift you've ever gotten.

I promise. All right.

All right.

Uh, that'll be two kids, two adults

for, uh,Trading Places.

There you go. What's this?

Father's Day special, two for one.

[REGISTER BEEPING]

Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

I made these for you.

I know you said don't get you a gift,

but I wanted something in case you changed your mind.

Oh! Macaroni-covered slippers! Ha-ha!

It goes with the macaroni cigar box I got last year.

I know.

Dad, I got something for you too.

Oh, what's this?

A bottle of iodine?

No, no, no, it's cologne. I made it myself.

I just couldn't find a bottle to put it in,

so I poured the iodine out and put it in there.

Boy, that iodine cost 99...

[CLEARS THROAT]

[DOOR OPENS] [SNIFFS]

Mm, that smells good.

Ha-ha, thank you, Drew. ROCHELLE: Oh, that's nice.

Oh, man, thank you so much. Chris?

You know I was about to call the police, right?

Hey, Chris, where you been?

I was trying to find you a gift for Father's Day.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

Well, I'm sure whatever you got,

it's fine.

That's the thing. I looked all over,

but I couldn't find you anything I thought you would like.

Doesn't matter. It's the thought that counts.

So did you find something?

Not really.

It's more of, I did something for you.

[***]

What? What is it?

It's a receipt.

He paid the electric bill.

Oh, baby, that is so...

CHRIS: When I asked if I could get you anything,

you said I could help you knock out a bill.

That was the only one I could afford.

Thanks, son.

My father never really cared much about presents,

but giving him a reason to smile

was the best thing I could ever do for him.

This is the best gift I ever got.

I'll remember this forever. Happy Father's Day.

I'm proud of you, Chris.

Becoming more of a man every day.

Thanks, Dad.

You know, I was thinking,

it might be a good idea if you get a job

and start paying a bill every month.

* Everybody hates Chris

Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode.

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now