All language subtitles for A Midwinter s tale-1995_ENG

The world for some years has
been sodden with tears

on behalf of
the acting profession.

Each star playing a part

seems to expect
a purple heart.

It's unorthodox
to be born in a box,

but it needn't become
an obsession.

Let's hope we have
no worse to plague us

than 2 shows a night
in Las Vegas.

When I think of physicians
and mathematicians

who don't earn
a quarter the dough.

When I look at the faces
of people in Macy's

there's one thing
I'm burning to know.

It was late november,
uh, I think.

And I was thinking about
the whole Christmas thing.

The birth of christ,
The wizard of Oz,

family murders...

And, quite frankly,
I was depressed.

I mean, I'd always wanted
to live my life like

in an old movie,
a sort of fairy tale.

Mind you, I suppose if you think that

a lot of fairy tales
turn out to be nightmares

and a lot of old movies are
crap, then that's what I did.

See, uh, the thing was
that, um...

Well, you know
the way doctors say

that nervous breakdowns
can happen very fast

and dramatically,
sort of Big Bang?

Or there are the other kind,

which happen very slowly
over a period of time.

Well, I was 33 years old,

and this one had started
when I was 7 months,

and it had just begun
to...to get a grip.

Why must the show go on?

It can't be
all that indispensable.

To me it really is
insensible on the whole

to play a leading role

when fighting those tears
you can't control.

Why kick up your legs
when drowning the dregs

of sorrow's bitter cup?

Because you were bred,
some idiot has said

the curtain must stay up.

I'd like to know
why a star takes bows

having just returned
from burying her spouse.

Brave poop-a-doopers

go home and dry your tears.

Gallant all troupers

you've bored us all
for years.

And if you're so blue,
wet through

and thoroughly woebegone

why must the show go on?

Oh, mammy!

Why must the show go on?

PROLOGUE
- I have to talk to my Agent -

Darling, you're
depressed, that's all.

Everyone gets depressed.
With most people,

there is no happy,
there's no sad,

just various stages of
depressed. That's life.

Well, not for me, not anymore.

Look, please, help me
with this idea!

Darling, you tried it
before. It was a disaster.

Margie, I've been
acting now for 11 years.

If everything had gone according
to Laurence Olivier's book,

I'd have known triumph,
disappointment,

and married a beautiful woman!
Instead, I've known tedium,

humiliation, and got shacked up
with a psycho from hell!

Life has to change!

But not by committing
professional suicide!

I have to do this play!
I've given my life a deadline!

Look, it's Christmas now.
Wait until the New Year.

Give it some thought.

I've given it thought...
365 days' worth.

All right. You'll get the £600,

and my office
and a phone for one week.

Now, I wanna be in
on the casting,

and I can put an ad
in Theater Weekly.

You'd better be careful,
because we don't want lawsuits.

But I'm warning you,
at this time of year,

everyone is doing Christmas
shows or TV specials,

so all you're gonna get is
eccentrics, misfits, and nutters.

Margie, I love you.

Oh, shush, you silly little

suicidal megalomaniac you!

Margie, Margie...

- What about that film?
- What film?

That stupid
science fiction film.

Oh, yes. You said you
weren't interested in that.

Now I'm just curious.

Yeah, well, it was down
to you and Dylan Judd.

Dylan Judd?

I don't...I don't believe it.
I...I don't... I...

- I'm...I'm speechless...
- I'm so glad.

I'm so glad that you've regained your

artistic soul, darling.
I really am.

You mustn't let these
little things bother you.

Dylan Judd? But I'm...

He's...he's...he's short!

There!

Ah. "Auditions."

Hmm. Nice and big. That's good.

"Limited engagement.
December 11 to December 31.

"Hamlet." That's clear,
simple. So far, so good.

"A cooperative experience."

Do you have to use these phrases,
darling? It's not 1969.

No, people need to know
it's an ensemble.

- And that you're the biggest ensembler.
- Get on with it, please, please.

"Profit share. Spirit share."
Unbelievable.

It's not about money.

Or grammar. "Accommodation
and inspiration."

Can't you just say that
their digs are included?

They need to recognize
the commitment!

What's this? Oh, God.

"6 fellow journeymen
to enter the gloomy day."

Oh, no, that's a mistake. No.

It should be to enter the
world of the gloomy dane.

It hardly matters, darling.

It finishes with "apply to the
director and sweat prince."

Sweet! Sweet prince.

Great, darling.

Expect a lot of new-age gays
looking for a workout.

ACT I
- Why...We could do the show right here!-

It's terrific that you could come in.

Thanks very much, indeed.

Now, this is really
a collaborative piece,

but if you'd like to do something,

it doesn't have to be
Shakespeare, no. Ehm...

This production wants to be
extremely innovative

in the way we communicate.

Ah! Ah...

Thanks. I thought
it would probably work.

(Weird voice) Now is
the winter of our discontent

made glorious summer
by this sun of York.

I don't feel that you've
made it quite your own.

So, listen, let's just...

Drop the voice... Silly idea...

- Drop the hunch and the gestures, ok...
- Fine.

And then... let's see
what happens.

Whenever you want.
In your own time.

(As before) Now is the winter
of our discontent

made glorious summer
by this sun of York!

Absolute transformation.

Oh, it felt great!

Thank you! Thank you so much!

- I really freed up.
- Oh, you did. You freed right up.

Henry Wakefield
is the name, love.

Known as Harry to those
who wish to annoy me.

Whatever you prefer to be.

Look, love, I won't mess about.

I hate these profit-share things.

I want to play the king, right?

I should have played it years ago,

but you pays your money

and puts up with your
miserable bloody choices.

Yes, well, it's...it's
a wonderful role...

Less of the director bullshit, love.

Just say yes. Let's face it.
You're lucky to have me.

From your AD, this production's
already about as promising

as playing rookery nook
on the Titanic,

so don't waste my time,
sonny, eh?

See ya at the read-through.

Alas, poor yorick, I knew him well.

Ha! (Mouthing words)

He likes us! He likes us!
He thinks we're funny!

Hamlet isn't just Hamlet.
Oh, no. No.

Oh, no.

No, Hamlet is me.

Hamlet is Bosnia.

Hamlet is... this desk.

Hamlet is the air.
Hamlet is my grandmother.

Hamlet is everything
you've ever thought about sex,

about, um... about geology.

Geology.

I...in a very loose sense,
of course.

- Can you fence?
- I adore to fence. I live to fence.

In a sense... I fence to live.

Have I...have I got it?

Well, we're gonna see
a lot of people.

Actually, extraordinary
amount of people.

I can't tell you until
the end of the cycle.

It's amazing, isn't it?

A little spirit gum,
a little imagination?

One becomes... totally unrecognizable.

In my early days in rep,

they used to call me
Carnforth "varied" Greville.

You know...

Because of all the, um...

You know.

- Variety.
- That's it! Yes, yes.

Variety of characters. Yes.

Well, Dorothy Drab certainly
made an impact in here, darling.

I suppose it could be more
dreary if you smeared

the walls with sheep shit,
but it's hardly worth it.

No, you just keep it
anonymous and suicidal.

I'm not here to play Polonius.
Dirty Gertie's

got my name on it.
I'm here to play the queen!

Uh, look...

You haven't had a matronly
cleavage near you all week.

You're stuck for money,

and you're looking at
the answer to your prayers.

I'm clean, I'm conscientious,
and I travel with me own tits.

To be honest with you,
I am a bit stuck, and...

I do want this production
to be free and experimental.

Well, that's how I feel
about most things, darling.

Mil-i-tary!

Clippety-cloppety.

Down, about, and jiggety-jig.

For me, regional accents
are not, uh, you know,

are no problem at all.

They're vitally important, in fact.

There's no set voice for Shakespeare.

That's...that's ridiculous.

I...I tried this
this morning a bit.

(Thick Scottish accent)
Now is the winter

of our discontent
made glorious summer

by that son of York!

That's the advantage of being
a child actor, you see?

I've already been
in the business for 7 centuries.

It's certainly an impressive CV.

But I'm not doing it anymore, right?

I've got to play someone older.

14 years on touring Peter Pan
can give you a complex.

- Are your eyes quite all right?
- Perfect.

It's just that you're
not actually looking at me.

You're looking off...
off to one side here.

Exactly. I often do that
when I first meet people.

I look off to the side
to watch their aura.

Their aura?

The aura, or, as often as not,

just the bit of space next to them,

which can be very
interesting, can't it?

- Do you wear contact lenses?
- No, they're...I'm...

they make me...
they're uncomfortable.

- Why don't you wear glasses?
- I don't need them.

Can I do my piece now?

They said it didn't
have to be Shakespeare.

Oh, good. This is
Debbie Harry, then.

Once I found love
and it was a gas.

Soon found out
had a heart of glass.

Seemed like the real thing
only to fi-ind

once you mistrust,
love's gone behind.

It was always gonna be
difficult this time of year,

and at such short notice,

but we've got a group of people
who are really hungry to do it.

They're hungry 'cause they
haven't worked this century.

- Neither have I.
- Touché.

How am I going to get
people in the business

down to this godforsaken venue?

It's not for those kinds of people.

Oh, you mean like
employer kind of people?

Look, it's a one-off production

by a group of, I suspect,
mad but passionate people

who are really hungry to do it,

who'll be performing it
in a place that really needs us.

If we do it well and honestly,
everything else will follow.

I love it when you go all visionary.

Oh, you know, you were
really close to that movie.

- Oh, really.
- Mm. Really.

And now Dylan Judd's agent
has gone all grand

and is asking for millions.
Such a mistake.

You'll come, won't you?

We'll see. I have a feeling

it might be worth
traveling a very long way

for Terry Du Bois's Gertrude.

So when, exactly, are you
gonna get to this church?

Sunday, lunchtime, I hope.
Depends on the transport captain.

- Why? Who's that?
- Me.

You're not gonna drive
that old heap, are you?

With live people in it?

With actors in it.
There is a difference.

I've got no choice. If I'm
not paying them any money,

I've got to look after them.

Look, I'll see you
at the top of the hill, ok?

Joe, what do you mean,
top of the hill?

By the church gate.
Listen, I've got to go now.

I've got to get
the food in for Sunday.

I'm catering manager, too.
See you, love. Bye.

No, Joe, you don't mean...

Oh, God! Oh, Christ.

- (Nina): Shall I navigate?
- (Men): No!

(Joe): Is everything
all right back there?

(Terry): Marvelous, darling!

HOPE

(Tom): Oh, look. What a beautiful name.

(Nina): I think it's a sign.

(Henry): Yes, love, it's a road sign.

(Vernon): I think it's symbolic.

Uh, now look, we can't actually

get the vehicle any closer than this,

so we'll have to carry
the stuff from here.

We'll get the rest later.
It's a lovely short walk.

(Vernon): And up a hill, too.
How wonderful!

Perfect after a journey like that.

(Joe): We were brought
up around here.

It's such a beautiful church.

Even us kids liked going.

(Nina): It's such a shame
it's fallen into disuse.

(Vernon): Like most of this company.

(Terry): Speak for yourself,
you cheeky wit.

(Carnforth): It's wonderfully
pleasurable for our audience.

Ah... the road is long,
though firm and strong

and tinkly like a dinner gong.

(Henry): Did you just make that up?

Uh, no, I think it's by, um...

Um...

No, actually, I think
I did just make that up.

(Vernon): That is terrific, isn't it?

Like out of Wuthering Heights
or something.

(Nina): It's so romantic
and yet so sad!

(Terry): It's got sort of feminine
sadness, hasn't it, Nina?

I can make my first entrance.
from that side.

Certainly worth the trudge, isn't it?

And a fantastic position
up here on the hill.

There must be some tremendous
runs to be had around here.

Yes. Certainly atmospheric
being surrounded by dead people.

- Not much of a change from your
normal audience, then, Harry. - Henry.

Well, folks, this is it.
The old hill church of Hope!

We're not just doing a play. We're
here on a mission to save this place,

to get the developer out
and the people back in!

- (Molly): Joe!
- Ah, this is my sister Molly!

Molly, hey, how are ya?

Oh! I thought you'd got it wrong!

It's not this church.

Everyone loves this church.

It's the big one on
the edge of the village.

- Not the big horrible red one?
- Yeah.

That really is a dog of a church.

Graphically, actually, it isn't bad.

All those nice verticals.

So much flatter around here.

It's not nearly so good
for working a heart rate.

Well, at least I can go to town

in my dressing room in here, love.

I do need space for my talent.

- Space to find it.
- Shut up.

Haven't we seen enough? I'm sick
of the sight of the place.

Can't we just go to the digs?

These are the digs.

It's the only way
we can afford to do it.

We've got food, peaches, and
sleeping bags and futons.

Actually, I'm not all that
keen on japanese food.

(Nina): Oh!

- Gosh, it'sincredibly atmospheric!
- (Terry): And damp.

(Joe): I remember this place.
I used to get dragged in here

once a month on Sunday night
for extra religion.

Oh, yes. Mom and dad made sure
we got our money's worth.

And have you kept it up?

Carnforth, watch your language.

He means the faith.
Have you kept up the faith?

Though it is very hard.

I mean, I'm tremendously spiritual,

but I still find it
difficult to meditate

for more than an hour each day.

Yes. I suspect that's about all

Buddha can take from you, isn't it?

So, Molly, why doesn't anyone
use this place anymore?

Oh, they do, or, rather, they did

until this bloody developer
got hold of it.

Basically, a lot of people
have abandoned Hope.

I know how they feel, love.

Oh, what dramas!

Is this the landlord?

Oh, right! Right.
Let me introduce you

our designer! This is Fadge.

Did he say vage?

I'm glad she uses the abbreviation.

Fadge, darling. Fa. Give it an "f."

Think it's a bit early
in the day for that, darling.

Is this entire production
going to be conducted

through a stream of innuendo?

Is there a surname, Fadge?

Yeah, is it Fadge Smith
or Fadge Fadgington?

Just Fadge, darling.

You know, this place is incredible.

I feel something very powerful here.

Very strange and powerful.

Powerful and strange.
I feel that, too, Fadge.

Powerful and strange and damp.

I was just saying, Fadge,

there's marvelous
opportunities here for...

You see, we must make
the design all about space.

People in space.

Things in space.

Women in space. Men in space.

So we'd sort of be... spacemen?

In a sense.

So, Carnforth, we get
to sleep in the crypt.

You think they might be trying to
imply something about our acting?

What, that it's a bit cryptic?

- No, that it's dead.
- Oh.

I don't know. I've, uh...
Seen worse in the army.

Were you in the army?

Um...

No. Not strictly speaking, no.

Feels like the army, certainly.

- Uh, Vernon.
- Mm-hmm?

Do you think the boss
would be offended

if I popped out directly
to the local hostelry

in lieu of this evening's meal?

I don't know, Carnforth.
Why don't you ask him?

We're talking about actors,
darling, not civilians.

Discipline is what they need.

You're not here for long.

Really, it'll sort itself out.

21 days, love. 63 meals,
and 8 trillion cups of tea.

Now, I don't know how many
arse wipes that runs to,

but if you don't want to be
the one holding the loo roll,

you'll take my advice:
we'll draw up a cleaning

and the cooking rota now.

It's been so long since
I spent time with Joe,

I've forgotten how actors behave.

This is just like being
in the boy scouts.

Don't say that, love.
Their pants'll never dry.

I don't see why I have
to share with a poof, love.

- Come on now, Harry.
- Henry!

We're people of the world. A
person's sexuality is irrelevant.

I couldn't care less
if he shags hamsters.

They're all the bloody same!

The entire British
theater's dominated

by the class system and
a bunch of Oxbridge homos!

I don't think Terry's Oxbridge.

Well, it hardly matters.
They're all drama queens.

I hope your Gertrude's
a quiet woman.

Yes. I wanted to have a word
with you about that, actually.

When does she arrive, by the way?

I hope she's not going to be
late for the read-through.

Well, we should probably
meet for 5 minutes before then

to discuss my concept of your queen.

It's not bad, though, is it?

Stage... feels good.

Oh, yeah.

You can command the audience.

Henry Irving would have loved this.

It 'tis...

the cause, my soul.

It is the cause.

Let me not mimic to you
your chaste stars.

It 'tis...

the cause!

Hah!

Irving as he would have
played Othello, love.

Very strange gestures,
but totally hypnotic.

Look, are you gonna be ok
with the bedroom arrangements?

I mean, we could ask
somebody to move.

All right, all right.
I'll stay there.

I could always sleep
with my arse in a bucket.

Oh. Hamlet at Christmas

with a group of like-minded artists

in a rough but really real location!

I can't think of anything
that would make this job better.

Salary?

Oh, is that the design for this then?

- It's not finished yet.
- Oh. Sorry.

Where did I put my moisturizer?

You can call me Fa.

What?

It's a nickname.

Very close friends call me Fa.

Oh.

Well, I'm very touched
you should allow me to use it.

I mean... it's slightly
harder to say than Fadge,

but it's beautiful.

Fa.

Thank you.

Why are you rubbing low-calorie
mayonnaise into your face?

Well, here's to Molly. Cheers!

(All): To Molly.

That is rather an amusing
little Chianti.

Well, you've certainly given it
a good road test, haven't you?

You carry on drinking like this,
it'll affect next year's harvest.

Actually, let's just talk a little bit
about the food and drink situation.

Yes, when do we get our expenses, love?

Well, the point is, I suppose, that
the most economic way of doing this

would be to operate our household
budget from a central fund.

You mean there are no expenses.

Not in the conventional sense.

Is there another sense?

Well, there's a crooked
bastard who didn't tell us

before we got the job sense.

Well, now, that's not fair.
You wanted this job.

This is Joe's own money.

He must spend it how he thinks fit.

This was a very generous meal.

Yes, the chili was very nice.

But it really has to be
the last red meat I have.

I mean, already I'm going
to have to detox and irrigate.

Colonically, this has
set me right back.

Yes, well, uh, sorry, Tom.
We'll all bear that in mind

as we implement the cooking roster.

Now Molly, thank God, is going
to do the shopping for supplies.

But we will probably need to be
economic with our provisions.

I think he means
you've drunk our entire

- Christmas wine allowance,
Mr. Greville. - I hope not.

Leave her alone, Mrs. Grumpy.

I think Nancy Nerves is rattling
your bars about tomorrow, isn't she?

Oh, yes, I'm nervous, too.

My stomach's full of snakes.

You know, some people
get butterflies in their tummy,

but I get these sort of snake things.

Those are your intestines, love.

I can feel my nipples stiffening.

It's a good sign.

A very good sign.

(Breathy voice) Hard and quick.

Hard and quick!

It happens the night
before a production.

I feel it to be a tremendous omen.

Well, we're never short of
a shock from Mr. Mad, are we?

What is all this calling boys
by girls' names and stuff?

I'm completely lost!

It's camp, darling.
Theatrical camp. Banter.

Keeps us all on
the straight and narrow.

You put a girl's name
in front of any word

just to spice up your sentences.

And always refer to a man as a she

and a woman as a he.
For example,

- if I were to comment on
Harry over there...

- Henry. - I might say,
"oh, Mandy Misery's shafted"

"Mrs. Wakefield good
and proper, hasn't she?"

Oh, I see.

Well, you will, darling.
And you never know.

There might be a little more
campery before the first night.

The point is, there is
nowhere for people to go,

apart from the pub,
if they can afford it.

I mean, there's no village hall,
there's no art center.

We need this place
to give people a focus,

prove to the council that there
is a community worth maintaining,

that there is a community!

Then it would be wonderful
if it was a great production!

Don't feel under any pressure, Joe.

What is the show, anyway?

That bugger wouldn't even tell me.

Oh, I hope it's something
Christmasy, a comedy.

(Tom): It's Hamlet.

Great.

Oh, hello, kids.

Do stop watching Mighty
Morphin Power Rangers

and come and watch
a 400-year-old play

about a depressed
aristocrat. I mean,

it's something you
can really relate to.

We've got our work cut out.

Who's playing Hamlet?

Oh, that's so bloody typical of you!

I'll take you home!

You can walk off your disappointment.

Oh, can I come, too, just for the air?

I hope you don't mind coming this route.
It's on our way home.

Not at all. It's a chance to calm
down after all the excitement.

I couldn't have gone
to sleep right away.

I just wanted to see this place
again. I'd set my heart on it!

The other church is
much more practical.

I know, but this is
where I grew up.

It's just typically stupid of me
not to have checked properly

with Molly, charging away as usual.

That's enthusiasm. It's important.

- Not many people have it like you.
- I hope I can keep it up.

- I beg your pardon?
- Don't you start.

Are you scared about tomorrow?

Absolutely petrified.

Right now I just wish
I'd got that stupid part

in that stupid film
and have to turn up

for 6 months in a funny suit
and drink tea all day.

Look, we're all right behind you.
You won't fail.

I did once before, you know?
Fadge and I both.

Different shows. Same bull-at-a-gate
mentality. Complete cock up.

All money lost,
all confidence lost with it.

My dad went bust. My fiancee
left me for another man.

Wonderful timing. Only an
actress can carry that off.

No offense.

I shouldn't be talking
to you like this, should I?

I'm flattered that you
can confide in me.

Martin always says that if you
can face your troubles and fears

and just acknowledge them,

you're halfway to
letting them fly away.

I always try to remember that.

- That's good advice.
- Mm-hmm.

- Who's Martin?
- My husband.

Act II
- There's no business like showbusiness! -

Right.

Uh... this is obviously
a very exciting moment.

We're about to embark upon
our voyage of discovery.

I'd like to talk a little
bit about Hamlet.

I know it is a very dark play.

I see it as a very long play, darling.

Sally Scissors is going
to appear, we hope.

Yes, no, I've got a lot of cuts.

But what I'd like to do for
the benefit of this read-through

is to read the whole thing.

Oh, great. We've only
got 10 days' rehearsal,

but let's spend 15 hours reading
the whole bloody thing on day one.

I'll give you the cuts
directly afterwards.

It's vital we read
the whole thing once.

Hear, hear.

Right. We're not gonna waste

any more time on speeches and things.

I would just like
to say at this stage,

please enjoy the reading.

I mean, don't feel obliged
to, um, give performances.

I don't want that.
But do avoid mumbling,

throwing it away.
Let's really hear this play.

Ok, let's really
listen to each other!

Ok? And relax! Ok?

Ok. Off we go.

Um, could I just mention smoking?

I think it would be
really a good idea

if this was
a nonsmoking read-through.

Uh, right. If you could
all be sensitive to that.

Thanks very much, Tom.

- Ok.
- Who's there?!

Good Hamlet, cast
thy nighted color off,

and let thine eye look like
a friend on Denmark.

Do not forever with thy vailed lids

seek for thy noble father
in the dust?

Why must the show go on?

The rule is surely not immutable.

It might be wiser and more
suitable just to close

if you are in the throes

of personal grief
and private woes.

Why stifle a sob
when doing your job

when, if you'd use your head

you'd go out and grab
a comfortable cab

and go right home to bed.

Because you're not
giving us much fun.

This laugh, clown, laugh
routine's been overdone.

Hats off to show folks

for smiling when they're blue.

But more 'comme il faut' folks.

Are sick of smiling through.

And if you're out cold, too old

and most of your teeth have gone,

why must the show go on?

I sometimes wonder,

why must the show go on?

- I can't stand poofs!
- Henry!

Gertrude was not written
as a shirt lifter!

- Shakespeare himself
was probably bisexual. - Ballshit!

It's an elizabethan concept.

It'll free up a whole
part of the show!

A dyke I could have coped with.
I don't mind the odd diesel.

But I'm not having
me tongue down that!

Me thinks the Lady Doth
protest too much, darling.

Oh, he's old school.

He's just trying to prove
that he's really 29,

with 6 testicles and a 4-foot dick.

Chaps, I'm just slipping down to the...

post office for a quick, um...

Stamp. Ha.

I cannot believe the cuts.

I cannot believe the cuts.

I cannot believe the cuts!

Can you believe the cuts, Tom?

No! I can't believe them!

Tom, you're playing all those parts.

I mean, that's the real
challenge, isn't it?

To make them all
exciting and different.

- And brief.
- Exactly.

I'm going to speak to my agent.

That's right, darling.
Threaten to walk.

The management will
quake in their boots.

Oh, please don't leave, Tom.

I think you'd be a wonderful Laertes.

Well, I have put quite a lot
of work into it, actually.

Normally, I'd have tried to spend

a month in Denmark to get it right.

So what did you do this time?

I borrowed this book
on the Eiffel tower.

You know in the play
he goes to France?

I just wanted an image in my head.

Well, there'll be plenty
of room for it, darling.

Is Joe all right?

Oh, he's fine, love. He's
just humoring Mrs. Wakefield.

Will he leave?

Is it always like this
on the first day of a play?

- Sort of political, I think.
- Marking out territory.

Yes, she's a ruthless
stepdaughter, that one.

Did you enjoy the
read-through, Fadge?

I thought it was extraordinary.

And also, in a strange way, banal.

Does that mean you've decided on
an extraordinarily banal design?

I can't...I never
decide at this stage.

One has to remain open.

Open and indecisive?

Stop teasing, Vernon.

I can't wait to see
the set model... Fa.

Fa?

- Fa?
- Did she say Fa?

Um...

Isn't... this, um...
Pardon.

You'll have to go easy licking those
stamps at lunchtime, Mrs. Greville.

Yes, but... this is...

sort of... exactly
where we are, isn't it?

- Exactly!
- Brilliant.

- So what's the design?
- Smoke. - Smoke?

- People in space in smoke.
- Oh, gosh.

This building does everything else.

- Smoke gives us atmosphere,
history. - Bronchitis.

- What about period, then, darling?
- Joe?

I think, uh, I think
we should create the period.

I don't think it should be elizabethan.
That would be ridiculous.

Although it is an elizabethan
play, isn't it?

Don't bring up the
tedious details, love.

It should be no period.
It should be our period.

When everybody's come up
with contributions

to character and costume,
the period or style will emerge.

That's the nature
of this collaboration!

Is cop-out 1 word or 2?

You're being a naughty,
cynical sausage, Vernon.

Oh!

Thank you, Nina. We'll be
having discussions this afternoon

about character and costume
to set us off on the right foot,

and we'll start rehearsals properly
tomorrow with the first scene of the play.

- Starting with the first scene?
Oh, she's so radical! - Shut up, bitch.

BUILDER ACCESS ONLY

I can take every period with me.

That's what Joe said.

The style will emerge.

That's right.

That's everything.

I wear my own props, love.
I bring my own breasts.

You look after the other children.

The thing is, Joe,

I've noticed that I'm,
uh, actually playing

2 characters
who appear on the stage

at the same time, as it were.
And, uh...

Actually, Joe, I was just wondering
whether I could mention the cuts.

I think they're
brilliant...brilliant!

So clever wh-what you've done.

It's just that Laertes
has lost 4 key lines.

Perhaps you'd maybe plan
something perhaps with mirrors?

I was just wondering
whether at some point

we might reinstate them.

No, let me do them for you.

- Ok, do it.
- Oh, heavens!

Are you very much longer?
It's freezing in here.

It's more of a movement thing.

Move? Fadge can help.

Lines, lies...you see...
did you see what I mean?

Careful, careful.

Worry about press?

Can't we get the flock sorted out?

And I thought I could
rip the shirt off

and sort of absail
down from the organ

for "where is my father?"

They do some wonderful body oils now.

I don't want her to wear glasses!

Right. You fell over the balcony
getting into bed last night.

Doesn't the light read on this?

I think a big nose would be great.

Did you see Cyrano De Bergerac?
That kinda size.

I want 2 shoulder pads.
He's gotta be butch.

Now, look, you're actually
gonna have to be me

during these rehearsals.
So I can watch the scenes.

Oh, great! Thanks for the warning.
So unlike you.

How does Herr Direktor
rehearse his part?

Oh, we'll find time. And
I'll make all your best bits.

Seem to remember you were
rather better than me

during all those amateur dramatics.

Well, yes, 'cause
that's where I do it.

As opposed to thinking
people might pay me to do it.

Yes. Horrible concept,
that, isn't it?

- It's caught me out before now.
- But you still persist.

Just about. I think this is
what we call the last gasp.

So why don't you make it easier on
yourself this time by doing a comedy or

something somebody
might be interested to see?

Yeah, well, that's where you
and me part company as always.

I think if we do this with
humor, passion, and reality,

people will be interested
in seeing it.

I saw this play when I was 15.
It changed my life!

You don't forget that!

I don't think I was
any different then

from your hormonally
confused kids now.

All I was ever interested in
was girls and wanking.

Unfortunately, hardly
ever in that order.

I saw this play.

It spoke to my heart and my head

and my chief reproductive organ.

Will that go in the program notes?

(Fadge): Release the pain.
Get out, get out!

Drive it away!
Up and down and up and down,

and out of your heads,
out of your heads.

Feel the pain in your body,
feel it out, and get it out.

You don't like it.

And it becomes a train of fear.

A train of fear.

Get out! And we cry out.

- And we cry out.
- Whoo woo!

(All): Whoo woo!

Who's there?

Great! Terrific.

Huge potential.

Sorry.

- It's a bit limp.
- Limp?

You know, he's just seen a ghost.

He's probably expecting
to see another one.

Hamlet is a tremendous
ghost story.

Now, I want to see that fear.
I want to smell that fear.

I see. That's good. Fear.

All right.

Let's start again.

(Same as before) Who's there?!

No, no.

It...it still
doesn't convince me.

Let's just take a little time out here
to ground this in some sort of reality.

You tell me, Carnforth, when was the last
time that you were really terrified?

Can you remember when that was.

- Or if there was such a time?
- Um...

Yes! I can remember.

Um... I was on my way to have
Sunday lunch with my mum.

It was her birthday,
I remember. Bit overdue.

And... got a flat tire
on the motorway.

Well, it was...

Touch and go whether I was
gonna get there in time.

Pretty terrified then, you know?

And how did this terror
manifest itself?

Well...
It probably took a little longer

to change the tire than it would have...
hands shaking, that sort of thing.

Right. Ok. Let's bring
that situation here.

That fear.

Right. All right!
Let's have another go!

Who's there?!

No, you don't have to change the tire!

I'm so sorry. Sorry,everybody.

- Tricky first morning.
- Yes. - Yes.

First scenes are
always so difficult.

I can feel the production
in here already.

I can feel your pain.

- Can you, Tom?
- Relax.

Ah!

But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son.

A little more than kin
and less than kind.

How is it that the clouds
still hang on you?

Not so, my lord.
I am too much in the sun.

(Campy voice) Good Hamlet,
cast thy nighted color off,

and let thine eye look
like a friend on Denmark.

Is he gonna play it like that?

- Like what, you rude girl?
- Like Larry the Lamb on speed.

Right. Just stop both of you there.

Henry, if you'll leave the
interruptions to me. Thank you.

Terry, look, I am slightly
concerned about the voice.

The general movement's fine,
but the voice is just a little...

it's what they all do,
all the grand dames.

They don't talk like
they do in the real world.

They put on the old secret gravel, the
treasured trill, the emotional break

middle of the line,
the operatic cadenza.

I'm not making it up. They do!

Sure, and sometimes it's very good,

and sometimes they're very wrong, and
they give Shakespeare a bad name.

Technically, it is brilliant,

but you just don't
sound like a human being.

- More like a robot with piles.
- That's not what I meant.

It's what I hear when I go
to the classical theater.

I thought that's what you did.

Have a little think about
something more natural.

I think you'll do it brilliantly.

All right, here we go!

Actually, Terry,
something to be aware of.

Somebody told me about it.
You must be very careful

you don't invert your
opening line as Gertrude.

Apparently, there's
quite a famous cock up.

Instead of saying, "good Hamlet,
cast thy nighted color off,"

you can end up saying, "good Hamlet,
cast off thy colored nightie."

I mean...I mean, you probably
won't do that yourself. I just...

Anyone like some tea?

- Bloody landlord!
- What?

- Well, you know you paid the rent.
- Yeah. 3 weeks in advance.

He says he wants a week's rent out
of that for unpaid electricity bills

that he says the school's liable for!

- Are you liable?
- Of course not! That..

Challenge it!

Well, we will, but he's
stalling until after Christmas.

- Oh! Can he do that?
- Of course not, but he's a shit,

and he already has your cash.

- What does that mean?
- As far as he concerned

he wants another week's rent,
or he'll turn us out.

- We won't go.
- Then, he says he'll cut

- all the services off: water,
gas, electric. - Can he?

I've spoken to the council.
He's within his rights.

If us or the school don't pay up,

we've contravened the terms
of a special performing...

- We don't have time for that!
- I didn't plan it, Joe!

Well, when is his deadline?

- End of the final week, day
before we open. - Or?

He'll send his mates in
to close us down!

- Christ! I don't have £700!
- Well, neither do I!

All right. Think something.

Don't tell the actors.

Hello. Sorry to interrupt.
I just came to say well done!

Both of you. Wonderful first day.

You were so brave, so very exciting.

Oh, thanks very much, Nina.

Are you going out for the evening?

Oh, no. It's Tom's turn to cook.

We're having vegetarian steak
and kicky pudding.

I wouldn't miss that for the world.

I'm just off to the phone box.
I'll see you later.

- Who's she off to ring?
- Her husband.

HAMLET
OPENING AT XMAS EVE - LIVE HERE

Well, boss. Another day,
another .00001 of a dollar.

- How was it for you?
- Not without its moments Vernon.

VERNON SPATCH
AS POLONIUS

Not bad, eh? Just a bit of fun.

No. It works very well.
A little understated, I fear.

Well, it's worth it
just to see Henry's face.

By the way, boss,
are you considering

having anyone come
to see this thing?

First things first.
We gotta get the show right.

Yeah, but what about
the tickets?

The box office,
cash advance, advertising.

That's all in hand. They listed up
a box office at Molly's school,

and people can book
through her home number.

Fadge has agreed to do
the catering front of house.

- How many have booked so far?
- Well, figures at this time of year

can be a little misleading...
Christmas shopping, etc.

Has anyone booked?

We're looking at business
mainly on the night.

- No one's booking.
- Not yet. No.

I've got a little cash flow
problem with the landlord.

Oh, no, Joe, not again.
You promised.

Yeah. I'm just a bit stuck.

Unstick yourself, darling.
Can't you reason with him?

I don't think so.
He's got some very strong

and very persuasive friends
in the building trade.

You'll think of something.
How's your Hamlet?

A little underdone at the moment.

Molly's mainly filling in for me,

and she's rather good,
too, the bitch.

Don't underestimate yourself, darling.

I don't want to drag
reluctant casting directors

down there and see you being bad.

No, no, understood.

And, darling, more dramas
on the Dylan Judd front.

Apparently, she wants billing
and a personal trainer.

Contract's not signed,
filming imminent.

She is pushing her luck.

- I do wish him well.
- I'll keep you posted.

Are you feeling less suicidal now?

I suppose so.

Then it's working. Marvelous.

- Good night, sweet prince.
- Good night.

- And let him play his music!
- Well, my lord.

Farewell!

(Joe): What was that?

Listen, it's...it's a bit, um...

- Much?
- Yeah. I mean,

I don't know if the nose
is going to your head,

if you pardon the expression, but I'm
getting more Shylock than Polonius.

Well, I like to be bold early on,

but I get the message, chief.

- Basically, it's, uh, L.C.A.
- Hmm?

- Less crap acting. - Ah. That's
about the size of it. Thank you.

Tom. Yes, darling.

- Your accent...
- You noticed it?

Yeah. I think you have
to come from Pluto

- not to notice it.
- Good, good.

Yeah. Unfortunately, I think you have
to come from Pluto to understand it.

Well, it has to be different, darling.
I mean, I am playing a lot of roles,

however small some of them are now.

I want each one to be distinct.

Now, I've taken my
cue from his name...

Reynaldo. You know, reynard.

Sort of foxy. Hence, the accent.

- A foxy accent?
- Well, you see,

I asked myself,
"how would a fox speak?"

Rather covert, rather secretive.

I'm getting more Russian
than secretive or foxy.

Yeah. Let me work on it, yeah?

All right. Thank you.
Ok. Here we go.

Joe. Uh, um, just before
we do my entrance,

I wondered if I could
try something.

Yes. Certainly, Nina. What?

Um, well, I was thinking about

bearing in mind what you were saying

to Carnforth the other day, you know,

about fear and everything.

And I was sort of thinking, um,

f-for this scene,
she really ought to be, um...

- Genuinely scared to bits?
- Exactly. Good.

I mean, almost violent. Hysterical.

- Right. Yeah.
- Just preparing the audience slightly

for later on when she goes mad,

and just so that we can really see

the effect that Hamlet
has on her, you know,

and the effect
of seeing his flesh.

The sexual threat, you know?

Um, just sort of very much
out of control almost.

Excellent. Right. You try it.

- All right. Ok.
- Ok, here we go, then.

In your own time.

Good-bye, thee. Fare ye well.

Good my lord.

And let him play his music.

Well, my lord. Farewell.

Oh, my lord!

I've been so affrighted!

Oh!

If that girl makes it
to the first night

without serious accident,
I'll be amazed.

Oh. She does seem to have a bit
of a vision problem, doesn't she?

She's brushed her teeth with soap

for the last 3 nights,
but she won't admit it.

Yeah. She's a stubborn
old thing, isn't she,

- underneath all that dizzy stuff?
- Oh!

But nice. Very nice.

Oh, buggering!

Are you all right?

No. It's these bloody costumes.

I brought every period with me,

but I can't quite decide
and it's getting a bit...

Late in the day?

Don't say that, for god's sake.

You're very impressive
with that crossword.

Well, you know what the secret is?

I don't answer any of the clues.

- What do you mean?
- Well, I just... take my time,

fill in all the empty boxes.

Any old letters will do.

I've always been terrible
at the bloody things, but

it takes my mind off the
godawful business of acting.

Is your name really
Carnforth Greville?

No. It's Keith Branch.

I just pinched one
that I thought had the

requisite amount
of mystery and glamour.

What do your parents think?

They were rather
disappointed, actually.

Well, they'd done
a lot of scrimping

to put me through
the drama school, and

well, um, well, they...
they really believed in me.

Mom, especially.

I don't think I've dealt with
parental expectation terribly well.

What about you?
Were you christened Fadge?

Hardly. I was christened Mildred.

Not the name to have if you
seek distinction as a designer,

which I rather pitifully did.

But I was adopted, you see, so, I
didn't think it really mattered.

- I think it's rather sweet.
- Thank you, Keith.

My pleasure, Mildred.

'Tis rather fun, all this,
sometimes, isn't it?

Mmm. 'Tis rather.

Oh! I've just got another clue.

So, why no glasses, eh?
Or...I don't know.

I don't know, either.

I don't want to see the world
in sharp focus.

- Why?
- Because it's horrible.

You really think so?

You were always so amazingly
positive and bright.

- And dizzy.
- No, I didn't say that.

It's what my dad says
on the phone every night.

He thinks this whole thing
of being an actress

and working in the theater is
just a terrible passing phase.

I'm sure he's very proud, really.

I hoped he would be
if he came to see it.

It was my first proper part.

Still... I expect your husband
gives you his support.

Yeah. He does, in his way.

I'm sorry? Well,
does he live very far away?

He's dead.

It's all right.
Just one of those things.

One of those ghastly,
bloody awful things.

Was he ill?

No. It's much more stupid
and absurd than that.

He was a fighter pilot. Really.

A great dancer
and a very good fighter pilot.

But he crashed.

A mid-air collision
at tremendous speed.

A one-in-a-million chance
in the lake district.

It was a beautiful day.

But then, I suppose it usually is.

Not that that makes it
any easier.

- How old was he?
- 33. Christ died at 33.

Rather more painfully,
I suppose.

What did you do
when it happened?

Went to pieces. The usual.

Then after a while, you start to
put your life back together again.

Martin always used to say that.

Life's a silly old business.

You fall down, you get up.

Literally, in my case.

Had you always been in the theater?

Oh, no. I was in the services.

Service family. R.A.F., of course.

Theater's all a lot of nonsense.

Spare-time stuff if you had to.

Martin was different, though.

He always believed I could be
a grownup actress.

I think you're
a very grownup actress.

O, my offense is rank.

Can you rehearse
on something harder?

So full of artless
jealousy is guilt.

It spills itself
in feeling to be spleat.

In sleeving to be feet.

If...oh, god. If I don't get
through that sentence again

I'll lose a filling.

- Die! Die!
- Unh! Ahh! Oh! - Die! Die!

Ah! Eh! Oh!

Ah. Ah. Ah.

Where would you like it?

I mean, when I stagger out
dramatically from behind the arras?

It could be anywhere
with Hamlet at this stage.

He hardly knows
his arras from his elbow.

(Both): Ho ho.

Go, captain... from
the great Danish king.

Tell him

that by his license,

Fortinbras craves the conveyance

of a promised march
over his kingdom.

You know the rendezvous.

Tom, I just don't get it.

Norwegian, darling. Norwegian.

All those fields and
little mount herrings.

They walk differently,
they talk differently.

They do come from planet Earth.

This isn't easy, Joe.

And Guildenstern,
and Guildenstern.

And Rosencrantz,
and Rosencrantz.

My honored lord,
my most dear lord.

My honored lord.

What have I done?

HAMLET
OPENING XMAS EVE

(Joe): Well, that was
an extraordinary first week.

No one said it would be easy.

It's a big play, and we've
covered every scene...

In shit.

And that in itself
is a great achievement.

Now, I think we have to worry a little less
about the exterior of these characters.

The clothes, walks,
and accents, et cetera,

and concentrate a little more on each
individual's needs, their drives.

What is it they want and need.

Why they do what they do, not how.

The how will take care of itself
if we ask always, "why, why, why?"

Believe me, darling,
I've been asking.

Now, if we can use
that energy, that hunger,

the very hunger
that has brought us here

for this unique opportunity,

I think you'll find that the play
will give you back a great deal.

You have to trust yourselves.

We have to trust ourselves.

You have a great deal to offer.

Both to each other
and to the audiences,

and do remember, please, it is
only the end of the first week.

Yes. The problem is, love,
there is no second week.

We have 4 more days before
the technical rehearsal,

one dress rehearsal
on Christmas eve afternoon,

- and on in the evening.
- Yes. We've set ourselves a challenge.

That there is no doubt, but at
Shakespeare's own theater

a 6-week season
would have produced

35 performances
of 17 different plays,

including at times
4 world premieres.

So, as Polonius says,

"sometimes brevity can
be the soul of wit."

I don't think we ought
to lose our nerve.

Bloody difficult, isn't it,
old Sally Shakespeare?

- Especially for us new girls.
- Join the club, love.

Oh, but you've done it before.

Never. Just seems that way.

Oh, you minx.
You're full of surprises.

I know, love.
Just an old bullshitter.

Always wanted to do
the classics, of course.

Used to read about the old
Shakespeare companies, you know?

8 plays in 6 days.

Traveling from town
to town on a Sunday.

Hundreds of people waving the
actors off from the platform.

So romantic.

Unfortunately, I was
born out of my time.

When I joined the business,
all that was gone.

It was divided in 2.
There was the proper theater,

you know, Stratford and all that.

Then there was commercial stuff. Well

a little suburban boy like me
had no chance of the tights

and fluffy white shirts.

I was straight into understudying
old men and "anyone for tennis."

- So, you haven't really done
any Shakespeare? - No.

- Must be a bit nervous.
- Total brown trouser job, love.

You can't show the young
ones your fear, so

- you cover up by being a crappy old git.
- Well, you're very convincing.

Mmm. Well, we all have
our crosses to bear.

Mind you, you know, I do feel as though
I've done it before...the classics.

Through people
like Irving and Kean.

I adore Irving.

You know about him?

Darling, just 'cause I'm in a
frock at the end of the pier

doesn't mean I don't have a grasp
for theatrical history, yeah?

- He was amazing, wasn't he?
- Yeah!

Oik, just like me.

A stammer, a limp, every disadvantage.

And yet, the first actor
ever to be knighted.

- And he died with his boots on.
- That's right. In harness.

On tour in Bradford.
What a way to go.

Mind you, I've died in Bradford
a few times.

Oh, god.

God, how weary, stale, flat,

and unprofitable seem to me
all the uses of this world.

That's not bad, Sir Laurence.

Well, I understand
how he feels, Vivien.

Oh, Christ. What are we
gonna do? I mean,

this was all
so carefully worked out.

I mean, based on,
and let's face it,

an optimistic turnout
of 300 people a night

for 7 performances,
making an average donation...

- Donations? - Well, we can't
charge proper ticket prices.

That's not what it's
about. Anyway, look,

making an average
donation of £2.50,

that's £750 per night,

which makes it 5,250
for the run, less £2,100

for production budget and rent,
that's £100 per week, per person

profit share, hopefully,
for 3 weeks for 8 people

less £150 for first-night drinks
and Christmas dinner,

less £600 for food and utilities. Anyway,
that brings it all back to nothing,

and it certainly doesn't match up
£700 for production week rent.

And anyway, that was based on an idea
of box office advance cash supply

from which I could borrow money
instead of my credit card,

which is now kaput.

Spatch to the rescue, chief.

Fadge did the board, I ran off
the flyers on my computer.

I'm gonna trail the streets of Hope.

You give me the tickets,
I'll sell some live.

- Oh, that's fantastic!
- Great!

I also have a booking
at Chelford Castle.

- What, the ruin?
- Part ruin, part country hotel.

After your time, love.
The beginning of the attempted

yuppification of the area.

A smooth blend of ancient monument,

and leisure facility. Didn't work.

Oh, but the hotel does,
for Christmas, anyway.

It's fully booked,
and they are about to get

my occasional cabaret act
of crooning and conjuring.

- Might sell some tickets for Hamlet.
- Or my middle name

isn't fabulously talented
and modest.

Oh, Vernon, I love you.

- In a platonic way, obviously.
- Obviously.

But then, you do have
a lovely ass.

This is the very coinage
of your brain,

this bodiless creation
ecstasy is very cunning in.

Ecstasy! My pulse, as yours,
doth temperately keep time

and makes as healthful music.

It is not madness
that I have uttered.

Mother, for love of grace,

lay not that flattering
unction to your soul

that not your trespass
but my madness speaks.

It will but skin and film
the ulcerous place

whilst rank corruption mining
all within infects unseen.

Confess yourself to heaven!
Repent what's past!

Avoid what is to come!

Oh, Hamlet, thou hast
cleft my heart in twain!

I'm sorry, Joe. I can't go on.

No! It's terrific, it's terrific.
You must...you must

you're just avoiding confronting as
an actor, that's all...that's all.

Look, you have to feel her guilt.

You have to confess to your son.

I tried. I tried.
He wouldn't listen.

Joe.

(Joe): What?

A bit close to home, love.

- When?
- When I was 17.

The only time I've been with
a girl, before or since.

- Just once?
- I know. Bull's-eye.

This girl wasn't firing blanks.

What did you do?

Well, I was already halfway
to running off to the circus,

if you know what I mean.

She was determined to have the kid.

Not that I'd have known what to
have done even if she hadn't been.

Once she found out that
I kicked with the other foot,

she'd have had nothing
to do with me anyway.

Do you know where they are?

They're with family, love.
Kids, too.

They get a bee in their bonnet

or turn into Sherlock Holmes

when it comes to their
real mummy and daddy.

Christmas eve.
Bradford, as it happens.

Puss in boots. 4 years ago.

What happened?

Well, it was a bit like
that last scene we just did.

Not quite such a good script.

I'd abandoned him and his mother,
who he hates for hiding me.

He was ashamed of my job,
of what I was.

Am.

Never wanted to see me again.

- No surprises.
- He must have been very upset.

- So was I.
- Have you seen him since?

Oh, I've written to him.

I get the occasional card.

The thing is, Henry,

this play brings it back more
than I'd have thought possible.

Shakespeare wasn't stupid.

Families, you know.

- They don't work, do they?
- I don't know, love. Never had one.

Always fancied one,
but never worked out.

I'll never be able to go on.

Yes, you will. We both will.

(Tom): Thought and afflictions.

Passion. Hell itself.
She turns to...

Has anyone seen
a bottle of lemonade?

I believe I've got
a bit of a sore throat.

- Lemonade?
- Yes, lemonade.

What's your problem, buster?

Ok let's go again from Ophelia's
song, and please,

give this scene
the intensity it deserves.

You're all shying away
from the power of this play.

Now, this scene is about loss.

The loss of sense. Ophelia's madness.

The loss of a sister.
The loss of a relationship

between Gertrude and Claudius,

and crucially, the loss,
and the death of someone

you have all, in your own ways,

experienced a profound love for.

Now that's a human emotion
we can all share.

That's where we connect with the
audience, in Hope or wherever.

We have to believe that you
have suffered such a loss.

Oh, god! I'm sorry, Nina.

No, you're perfectly right, Joe.
We must imagine the reality of it.

I'm fine.

All right. Let's go again
from that point.

And will he not come again.

And will he not come again.

No, no, he is dead.

Go to thy deathbed.

He never... will come... again.

I'm sorry.

Do you see this?

Oh god.

(Margaretta): Darling, if I start
now, it'll just be an open drain.

You made ridiculously
optimistic calculations

based on an income that
simply doesn't exist.

It will.

Well, when it does, then
I'll forward you some cash.

Have you anything
exciting to tell me?

Well, it looks like
Dylan's blown it, darling.

They start shooting
in L.A. on Boxing Day,

and she hasn't even had
a costume fitting yet.

The producer, Nancy Crawford
herself, no less,

is in town reccing foreign locations.
She is going mad.

Couldn't you just get me
a week of those expenses?

Darling, you're
under too much pressure.

Why don't you take
Sunday off and relax?

Remember, it's Christmas.
You could write to Santa.

(Joe): Let's start again now.

Go, captain. From me
greet the Danish king.

Tell it... Sorry.

Got nervous, darling.

It's just not possible!

I'm playing 400 parts.

You won't allow me
to do a single accent.

And I've got a captain here who
can't walk in a straight line.

Now, steady on.

Now, if you could only do that,
love, we'd be fine!

Joe, I am committed to this
project 132%. You know that.

Everything that I am
as a human being is here.

I bring it in every morning.
It's yours.

My energy is always positive energy,

physically, intellectually,
and... thing me.

But all I ever get back
from people is ridicule.

Let's all have a cheap joke
at Tom's expense.

Well, that's fine,
you know. That really is,

really perfectly all right,
because my shoulders are broad.

I, um, I-I-I've kept my own peace,

- and I haven't gone to my agent.
- He hasn't got an agent.

Yes, I have! Shut up!
Shut up, will you?

You see, it really isn't fair.

It's just...
it's just too much.

Ok. I'm sorry, Tom. Very sorry.

I'm sorry, too, Joe.

Sorry, everyone.

It's fine.

Vernon, please... I'm...

Start again.

You know, I love this man.

Go, captain. From me...

You see? It's hopeless!

Absolutely hopeless!

Everything we do
from wiping our ass

to fluffing our lines
has to be on camera!

Can't we work in private for once?

Why does everyone have to see
behind-the-scenes these days?

I mean, whatever happened
to all the bloody mystery?

I am recording our history, love.

It was discussed. Right, Joe?

And I think it's the least I deserve.

I am the only person

- who's gone off his ass to sell
this show. - Always vulgar.

Do you want anyone to see
this, or would you rather...

would you rather do your
bloody stupid accents

- in front of the mirror?
- All right! That's it!

That is it!

- What do you mean?
- I mean the play's over!

Finito! Walk away! End of story!

Kaput! Cheerio!

You don't really mean that.

Well, what's the point, you know?
What's the fucking point?

Look, you're a perfectly
decent bunch of people.

You know, you're a group of actors

with all the normal
insecurities and vanities,

but basically, you know,
I know you want to be here.

I know we all want to do
what's best for the play,

but look at us. I mean,
we argue, we're depressed.

I mean, we've set ourselves
too big a target.

You know, it's all
too personal for us all.

It's a big play, we keep
running up against it,

and we're hurting ourselves,
and I, for one,

no longer know what I'm
doing or why I'm doing it.

- I don't know this.
- That's not true.

The miserable facts are, we've run
out of time to rehearse this,

we have no audience,
we have no design.

I'm sorry, Fadge,
but, um, that's true.

And because I don't have
the money to pay for it,

we do not even have this venue
for the run of the show!

This whole idea, and,
oh god, I can see it now.

No offense, Molly,
but it's just pointless.

Churches close and
theaters close every week

because, finally,
people don't want them.

The Hope Hamlet is a loser!

Led by the chief loser, yours truly,

and, you know, circumstances
just force me to ask myself,

I mean, not only what is the point

in carrying on with
this meaningless shambles,

but as the yuletide season
takes us in its grip,

I ask myself, what is
the point in going on

with this miserable, tormented life?

I mean, can anyone tell me? Please.

What makes this fucking life
worth living?

I think you're just
projecting negativity.

And I think it's
really unfair on Fadge.

It's all right, Tom.

- Rachmaninoff.
- What?

A bit in Brief Encounter.

And Brief Encounter, actually.

That makes life worth living.

I'll buy you the video for Christmas.

Thinking of Tim being happy.

Who's Tim?

My son.

Oh, shit, do we all have to do one?

- Oh, shut up, Carnforth.
- (Carnforth): Sorry.

Look, Joe.

I might be speaking out of turn,
but I feel...

I think we all feel that,

well, some of what you say is true.

But we've come such a long way.

It's certainly worth one more go.

Why don't we call it a night and have
one run of the play tomorrow morning.

- Hear, hear.
- At least do that, eh?

Just for us... Hey?... Boss?

What is it, Molly?

You.

You're my brother.

You make life worth living.

You make my life worth living.

So, that says enough.

Why must the show go on?

Now, why not announce
the closing night of it?

The public seem

to hate the sight
of the dear and so.

Why you should undergo

such a terrible strain,
we'll never know.

We know that you're sad,

we know that you've had
a lot of storm and strife.

But is it quite fair
to ask us to share

your dreary private life?

We know you're trapped
in a gilded cage,

but for heaven's sake,
relax and be your age.

Stop being gallant
and don't be such a bore.

Pack up your talent

there's always plenty more.

And if you lose hope

take dope and lock
yourself in the John,

why must the show go on?

I'm merely asking,

why must the show...

Go. Let the soldiers shoot.

Go on?

That was terrific!

- Molly, it's really starting to come out.
- Wasn't it amazing?

It was so exciting. I'm so proud of you!

I'm nearly there, Joe. I haven't

quite hit on the right era yet,

but we'll hack it out during the
tech, I can feel it in my nips.

- Joe, do you realize how bloody
good you are? - Brilliant!

- You are so bloody good.
- You were fantastic.

Enough about me, darling. What
did you think of my performance?

- No empathy!
- Ha!

Here. Come here.

It was just like everything
I had hoped would start up.

- Oh, Joe!
- Well done! I just wish that you...

Joe. Before you say anything else,

we've talked to Molly
about the financial situation.

And we feel, the company feels that

we should help out, so, anyway,
we've had a whip-around,

and everyone's put in what they can,

which, I'm afraid,
isn't nearly enough, but, um...

- Fadge has sold her van.
- Never mind.

- What? You sold your van?
- Yes.

But you keep everything in it... your
lights and your costumes and props and...

They'll hold onto it till the New Year.

If the play succeeds, I'll buy it back.

Oh, folks, thank you.

- Do you mean this is...
- We paid it in this morning, Joe.

- The show can go on.
- Hooray! - Ha!

I just...I don't know
what to say, you know?

- I just...I'm...I'm...
- A talentless git?

Oh, yes. Certainly. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh, god, I'm laughing,
and I think I'm gonna cry.

Don't do that.
We all have jobs to do.

The technical rehearsal
is first thing tomorrow morning.

Now, Fadge has got half of us
on lights and sound

and blacking out the windows,
and the rest of us

are going into Hope this
afternoon to find our audience.

- That's fantastic.
- But first, a drink?

- Oh, yes!
- And some music. - Yay!

ACT III
- Another opening, another show! -

(Carnforth): Who's there?

No, Carnforth. Remember,
as we discovered in rehearsals.

(Carnforth): No. I mean, who's there?
I can't see a thing.

Oh. Sorry, Carnforth.
Hey, well done, though.

I really believed you
the second time there.

- Vernon.
- Yes, love?

Yeah. Hey, a little more
definite with the gong.

It really sets up
the tone of the play.

(Vernon): Well, it would help if there
wasn't quite so much smoke back here.

I keep worrying I'm gonna
bump into Jack the Ripper.

He's gonna think I'm the man
from the Rank Logo.

Well, can't someone else do the gong?

Well, Nina's blind enough as it is

without having to bang
a gong in the mist.

Carnforth's on,
Tom's on in a second,

- and you're out there.
- What about Henry or Terry?

You look wonderful.

You look gorgeous.

Um, Fadge.

Teething problems, darling.
That's why we rehearse.

(Joe): Yeah, sure.
No problem with that.

It's just that we've spent
all morning on this,

and we haven't got beyond
the "who's there?"

And that's a question I fear many
of the audience will be asking

- if the smoke's this thick.
- Opening image, darling.

- Turn this off.
- Understood.

Any final decisions
about props or costumes?

I've got till the end
of the tech, haven't I?

- (Joe): Yes.
- Let's remain open.

All right, then. Let's go from the
last line of the previous scene.

Ready to bring on the throne.

Tom, give us your last line.

You can say it from offstage for now.

Stand by, elec. Stand by, sound...

And cue Tom.

(Tom): Let's do it, I pray,
and I this morning know

where we shall find him
most convenient.

Go, elecs. Go, music.

That's good. Vernon on first.

Check out the audience

as if it's the imaginary cord.

Excellent. Get!

Very good to hold her hand.

Keep her out of trouble.
That's good, and...

Now the king of...

- What do you think, darling?
- Not bad, eh?

Ok. Just, uh,
let's just hold it there.

Um, do you know,
I think this is not a bad time

to have an informal chat
about costume and makeup.

Uh, let's break for tea there.
Back in an hour.

Um, Henry and Terry,
a little word in your ear.

What's with him?

Don't know, love. It's
as good as a fucking guess.

I doubt likely it's about anything.

Fuck all, darling.

(Fadge): It wasn't me!

Joe. Could you call your agent?

I'll be right with you.

I just popped down to the post office,

and the landlord said there was a
message for you to call your agent.

The landlord at the post office?

Uh, yes, it's a technical term.

I believe it came in
with privatization.

- Anyway, urgent.
- All right. Wait a minute.

It's the day before Christmas eve.
There are no agents working.

Oh, yes. That's it.
Can you call her at home?

Is there a message?
Because I could always...

I think you should work on your
rotational movement exercises.

- Ok.
- Carnforth.

Don't drink.

You don't need to.

And 1, 2, 3.

And Guildenstern.
My honored Lord

So, how many does that make?

Well, I've got a party of 10 kids from
the school coming down, £3 a head.

Most of them have a bloody
miserable Christmas anyway.

- What, so even this old pilot sauce
is better than nothing?

- No!
- Only teasing.

I won't know till tomorrow night

about the crowd from Chelford Castle.

- They're a bit overexcited.
- Why?

They got this film company coming
to do a location reccy there

tomorrow morning, very last minute.

But if they use the castle,

the hotel's the best place
to book the crew in.

- Quids-in for the landlord.
- At last. Exactly.

So you can imagine that
coming to see Hamlet

is a lot lower
on his list of priorities.

We could do with his crowd
tomorrow night, mind you.

It'd swell the coffers. Anyway,
I'm still working him over.

- How? - Well, this film's
futuristic, apparently.

They're doing the
interiors in America

and cheap locations in Europe.

They want the castle to be
the ruins of an ancient city

- on the planet Zarboc.
- Mmm. Sounds lovely.

So I told him to greet the producer

in an R2-D2 party hat and a
homemade Star Trek uniform.

- He loves crimpling.
- Exactly.

- Oh, flippin' heck.
- Come on.

Oh, thanks for doing all this,
Vernon. You've been a rock.

This has been the weirdest
Christmas holiday

from school I've ever spent.

And every time I think
I'm going slightly potty,

I just look at you.

I...I mean, I mean,
nothing seems to phase you.

Well, it doesn't if you're needed.
I like being needed.

A new experience for me.

I should make a film about it.

Being needed.

Can I be in it?

(Margaretta): It is
astonishing, darling!

Only Nancy Crawford
could afford to do it.

Of course it makes sense in
the long run, but it's true.

They want you for the 3 pictures,
guaranteed. Guaranteed, Joe.

- But what if...
- They have to pay you, darling,

even if they don't
make the second two.

Now, you'll get more up front, but
no back end, and I'm gonna fight

for a cut of the merchandising.

Of course, we can't
hold them to ransom

if the first picture's
a monster hit,

but we do get 3 years' money

and 6 months a year
employment guaranteed.

And a concept that could be
Star Wars all over again!

And you're certain Dylan
Judd is out of the picture?

Darling, she has shot
herself in the foot,

bottom, and, most
crucially, the brain.

So greedy.

And remember,
they still have that videotape

of your audition
from all those months ago.

They need character
for these sidekick roles.

Particularly, if you're in a suit
of latex for all those hours.

Oh! I'm...I'm speechless!

Oh, Christ, look, Mags,
I'm gonna have to run.

Can we talk about it
when you come down?

I'll see you for the show.
Thanks, Mags!

But, Joe!

Joe, we have to talk.
Joe, we have to talk!

We have to talk about start dates!

Shit! Start dates
and travel arrangements!

Joe, Joe!

Peace offering.

I think you're both fantastic.

- Naughty girl.
- Bad person.

Now, you trust me on this
makeup issue. You look great.

He's right, of course.

We did look like 2 silly old tarts.

You can't make time
stand still, Henry.

Those days have gone forever.

I suppose so.
Fun though, wasn't it?

Oh, yes, it was fun.

- (Carnforth): What's all this, then?
- A bribe from the boss.

Oh, that's very sporting of him.

Yeah. Do you think
it's the equivalent

of Nero fiddling while Rome burned?

Oh, hardly.

Only joking, Carnforth. Lighten up.

Well...

I suppose I would, love, if I didn't
feel such an 8 billion% twit.

Oh, still having a problem
remembering the lines, are we?

The lines, the movement,
the costume changes...

My bloody awful acting.

Betty bottle.

- What are you doing?
- I'm making an audience.

- I beg your pardon? - Well, I've
been completely pathetic up till now,

but I think I'm on
to something at last.

If we don't get
an actual audience,

I want to create a world for you.

You should at least
have people watching you,

- even if they are cardboard.
- That'd be brilliant.

They won't cough. I hate that.

That champagne has gone
right to my head.

Is this wise before our first night?

These are unusual circumstances.

Yes, is your bank
manager drunk, too?

I think he was encouraged
by some Christmas good news

to review my overdraft.

Oh, you mean someone's
bought a ticket

that we don't know, or
he is actually drunk?

All in good time. Let's
get the show on first

before we share the glad tidings.

- It's good to have a laugh, isn't it?
- Oh, yes.

On the whole, we've
got serious disease.

I know, but we
are being treated for it.

We did take this job.

- Fadge.
- Hmm?

I think...
I could be funny with you.

You are funny with me.

In fact, I think we're
funny with each other.

Come on. Let's get back to
being humorless and intense.

We've got an audience to write.
And reviews to make.

The thought of you, it's so easy.

Drives me mad.

Easy? What do you mean, easy?

- I love you.
- What?

I love you.

Now, Vernon, don't think
I'm not flattered, it's...

No. As an audience
member I love you.

As a company member, I love you.

As a human being, I love you.

I can't help it. You've got
charm, warmth, you're endearing.

You're honest about yourself,

about your faults, your insecurities.

I can't do anything about it.
I love you.

I've loved you ever since
the first time I saw you.

The audience can't help
themselves, either.

You walk on, they love you.

Because you're yourself.

You're kind and vulnerable and...

well... nice.

- Do you really think so?
- I do.

But you're so wracked with guilt

about your old ma's sacrifices
that you can't even notice

that the audience rather likes you.

Or that you're a very good actor.

Well, I... I suppose not, no.

So I wouldn't worry too much
about tomorrow, Carnforth.

Well, I must now
be off to Bedfordshire.

Oops... Oh, wait.

- Good night.
- Good night.

I think you should
take her with you.

Where?

Wherever you go.

Wherever.

This is it. Yes.

Yes, I've got it now.

This is right, absolutely.

I've got it. I can make a decision.

Of course I can.

Make a decision.
That's it. I've got it.

Yes, lord.

Go for it!

Darling, it is a nightmare!

(Joe): We're fine! It's a technical.
They're always like this.

Don't worry. We'll go
again from the entrance,

we'll lighten up on the smoke.
It'll be all right.

Oh, Martha Moneyguts has changed her
tune since yesterday, hasn't she?

She's happy now.
We all look like TV weathermen.

All right, not bad at all.
Not bad at all.

Listen, we were nice and relaxed.

Technically, we were
remarkably smooth.

Fantastic, well done, Molly and Nina,

and everyone who's helped me out
with special effects, that's great...

- (Margaretta): Joe! - Hello, Mags.
- Thank god I found you!

You're early. We don't
go up till 7:30 pm.

Look, everyone, this
is Margaretta D'Arcy.

This is my friend, agent, and
personal investor in the show.

- Darling, I must talk to you.
- What?

- I've got to talk to you.
- Yeah. Ok, yeah, sure.

I'll do the technical notes with you.
Be with you in 2 minutes, 2 minutes.

(Molly): So, Vernon,
you take the throne off

before the fight starts, ok?

- (Vernon): Ok, fine, no problem.
- (Molly): Fantastic.

(Joe): I've an important
announcement to make.

After over a year of
spectacular unemployment,

ehm, during which as I'm sure
you've all gathered

I've been pretty desperate,

uh, I...I not only have a job,

but, really, the job.

Yeah, a guaranteed 3-picture deal

in a new science fiction
movie trilogy.

Th-the bad news...

I'm sorry, darling, but I'm going

to have to be the heavy here.

The bad news is that Joe has
to leave tonight.

- Tonight?
- Yes.

The producer, Nancy Crawford,
is in the country

reccing foreign locations.
She has a private jet

leaving Chelford airdrome at 8:00 pm.

They start shooting interiors
in Los Angeles on Boxing Day.

Couldn't be more last-minute, but
it's a wonderful opportunity for Joe.

And there really is no choice.

So I'm sure you'll all understand
that there really is no choice.

Well...

She's right, Joe. There is no choice.

You've gotta go.

Congratulations, boss.

You saved the world from
my nose just in time.

I'm sorry, Vernon.

There is no justice,
and I hate you passionately.

Go for it, you swine.

I'm sure you'll get the chance
to do it again, Joe, but

just in case,

I wanted to let you know
that I had finally cracked it.

Don't go.

- Please don't go.
- Come on, Nina.

But he can't. He mustn't.

Not just for us, but for him.

Darling, there is no comparison...

Yes, there is!
2 weeks ago we all met up

to start this adventure.

And much that we didn't
care to admit it,

we're all in our
various ways depressed.

Especially you, Joe.

But we needed this job,

this play, this experience.

And all through our ups and downs

and disagreements, we've
continued to need it.

Yes, we do, Nina. Actors do, but...
The world doesn't.

Finally, it's Shakespeare,
and nobody's interested.

They're interested in Hope.

Look, this is all very good
and all very overdramatic,

but it just isn't fair.

You could do this bloody play
anytime, anywhere.

Look, Nina, Joe's only
doing what most of us

would give our right arms to do.

(Joe): It means I can pay
you all. It can be proper!

It doesn't have to be proper!

It's Christmas eve,
for Christ's sake!

You should all be with your families!

We're with our family!
That's what actors do!

That's what people do
with what's left of Hope.

They hang on! They stick it out!

Now, they're here tonight for us,
and we have to do this show for them,

and if you won't do it, well then...

Then I'll bloody well do it!
I'll play Hamlet!

I practically know it now.
It's better than canceling.

Everyone knows this is
a weird production.

One more weirdo won't
make any difference.

But this is our village!
It's our home!

We can't let them down.

Well, that's marvelous, then!
Isn't it?

We're all... tired and emotional.

You get off and catch that plane.

We'd all do the same,
whatever we say now.

We're actors. We're beggars.

That's the way it works.

We'll do the show tonight
with young mistress Molly,

and we'll drink to your health
over Christmas dinner tomorrow.

Get a suntan.

- I'm sorry, Joe.
- Yeah, sure.

- Nina. - You put your whole
life into this, Joe,

right from the start.

You needed this job.

You needed it then,
and you need it now.

I mean, it's not about fame or money

or so-called wealth and security.

It's about nourishing your soul,

nourishing your heart.

And that's what you deserve.

At the end of the day, however
hard you hug that paycheck,

it won't be a person.

It won't be us.

It won't be me.

Go easy on yourself, old chap.

I'm afraid we can't all afford the
luxury of nourishing our souls.

That's the prerogative of the
romantics among us, I fear.

These things happen.

What does he say?

"If it be now, 'tis not to come."

"If it be not to come, it will be now."

"If it be not now,yet it will come."

"The readiness is all."

(Henry): Nina, listen!
He's only human!

If that had been me
at his age, I wouldn't

even have stopped to tell the company.
I'd be on my way to the airport.

Yes, but he'd worked so hard!

And so have you!
Which is why you mustn't let

a beautiful performance like yours

be spoilt because you're
head over heels in love.

Who said I was in love?
I just want what's best for him.

What's best for the company.

What's best for the company is
for you to go out there and give

the best Ophelia the world's ever seen.

Yes, but he won't be there to see it!

- You think love's about being in the same
place at the same time? - It helps!

So is doing your best for your
loved one wherever they are.

It's much harder for him
than it is for you.

You should pardon my language.

- What did your dad say?
- Oh, he wasn't in.

Well, if I was your dad,

I'd say do this one for Joe.

Think of him and the pain he's in

and make him proud up there
in his rather lonely airplane.

You've turned into an old
sweetie, haven't you?

No, I'm still a miserable git,

and this is all
a front to stop you

from messing up my performance.

All right, I'll think about it,
you miserable old tart.

Push off.

This is so amazing.

Molly, you're actually living

the actor's nightmare.
We all have it, darling.

Dreaming about going on
in a major role

totally unprepared.
It's so exciting.

Thanks, Tom. Oh, god!

Whoever said actors were sissies?

I don't know how you do it!
God, I feel sick.

Don't worry, lovely.

If I ever forget
my lines in Shakespeare,

I always say "crouch we
here awhile and lurk."

- Always seems to do the trick.
- Why? What happens?

Well, nothing, normally.
But, you know,

provides a moment of intrigue,

gives you a chance to think of
something, pick up a script, maybe.

The fight! If it all goes wrong,

um, drop the sword, take this
off, and throw it at me.

Then I say "the boot, the
boot was poisoned" and die.

- Brilliant.
- That should work.

- Hello.
- (Fadge): Hello!

Lovely. Anywhere you like.
Thank you.

- Would you like a program?
- Yes, please.

I'm sorry, we don't have any.

- Yes, we do.
- Yes, we do.

- That'll be 50p, thank you.
- That'll be 50p, thank you.

Any ice cream?

We have herbal teas,
natural fruit juice,

organic rice cakes
with balsamic chocolate,

- and straw.
- But any ice cream?

What are you, a fascist!

Fadge, I've got some ice cream
here in the cool box.

Vernon, you're a star.
Yes, stay here.

Vernon, you're a star. I'm
completely out of my depth here.

The paint's still wet on the throne,

Joe's costume won't fit Molly,

the smoke machine is probably
down at the boozer with Carnforth

having a quick one before the show.

If I was any more nervous,
I'd be very, very nervous.

You're doing wonderfully well.
But tell me.

Are your nipples hard?

If they were any harder,
Tom could do chin-ups from them.

False economy, not having a dresser.

My son's in this.

Playing about 15 different roles.

- One of them good, we hope.
- Really.

Well, my dad's in it, too.

What's he playing?

I'm not sure.

(Fadge): One minute, please! One
minute, ladies and gentlemen!

'Tis a far, far better
thing that I do now

than I did that night with the
sailor and the artichoke.

Oh, hush, mother, be wonderful.

(Vernon): Nina. Nina! Good luck.

They love me, you know?

That's the beauty
of a private plane, isn't it?

They wait for you.
We're all so thrilled.

- Does this guy bother you?
- No.

- What's your name?
- Mortimer.

He's doing a profile
on me for London Times.

- That's a good paper, isn't it?
- The best.

He figured it'd be good to
cover me catching some art.

These are neat.

Take some of those and use them
when we preview the movie.

Who's there?

But now, my cousin
Hamlet and my son.

A little more than kin
and less than kind.

How is it that the clouds
still hang on thee?

Not so, my lord.
I am too much in the sun.

Good Hamlet, cast off
thy colored nightie

and let thine eye
look like a friend on Denmark.

Darling! Dorothy Drama has come
to live with us in a big way.

Nancy Crawford has
delayed her flight

to come see her new boy in action.

And she's got The Times with her.

We are going to be reviewed,
darling, by a national newspaper.

So, he's just come back
for the one performance?

Be reasonable, Nina.
He saved the show,

he saved Molly from
a nervous breakdown,

he saved us the chance
of a wonderful notice.

I think it's shameful.

Nina, I...

I was going to be
rather good, I thought.

I think you knelt beautifully.

A bloody, bawdy villain!

Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous,

kindless villain of vengeance!

Yes.

My lord, how does your honor
for this many a day?

I humbly thank you, well.

My lord, I have
remembrances of yours

that I have longed
long to redeliver.

I pray you, now, receive them.

No, not I. I never gave you aught.

My honored lord, you know
right well you did!

And with the words
of so sweet breath composed

has made the things more rich.

Their perfume lost,
take these again,

for to the noble mind
rich gifts wax poor

when givers prove unkind.
There, my lord.

(Audience): Ooh!

(Cast): Ooh!

Madam, how like you this play?

The lady doth protest
too much, me thinks.

Oh, but she'll keep her word.

Have you heard the argument?
Is there no offense in it?

No, they do but jest,
poison in jest.

- No offense in the world.
- What do you call the play?

The mousetrap.

What wilt thou do? Thou wilt
not murder me! Help! Ho!

(Polonius): What ho? Help!

How now? A rat!
Dead for a ducat, dead!

(Polonius): Ohh!

Calmly, good Laertes.

That drop of blood that's calm
proclaims me bastard!

- He's good.
- He's with me.

What's his name?

Nina...uh, Newman.
Tom...Tom Newman.

Put champagne on ice, love.

Joe will need a bottle
of it dreadfully,

directly into the vein. Ohh!

If it'd have been any closer,

he'd have nearly got me.
Where's the toilet?

What is a man if his
chief good and market

of his time be but
to sleep and feed?

A beast, no more.

(Audience): Ooh!

The rest... is... silence.

Now cracks a noble heart.

Good night, sweet prince.

And flights of angels
sing thee to thy rest.

(Fortinbras): Go!

Bid the soldiers shoot.

- (Vernon): You were marvelous!
- You were marvelous!

No, you were marvelous!

- You were marvelous, marvelous!
- Carnforth?

Mum!

- Were you... did you?
- I'm afraid I did.

And I'm very cross with you.

- Really?
- Yes.

You broke my heart as Horatio.

I was in tears most of the evening.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Would you like a drink, Mrs. Branch?
- Yes, please.

Darling! It's a triumph!

Excuse me. God, you were good!
Wasn't he? Yes.

Oh, Vernon, my boy, I'm...

Fadge, our designer.
Thank you, darling.

- (Henry): Terry?
- Yeah?

Visitor for you.

Christ.

Hello, dad.

Henry dropped me a line,
told me what you were up to.

Well, it's not quite Puss in
Boots in Bradford, is it?

Oh, you were very good in that.

I'm sure it's just
as hard to do panto.

Oh, it is, love. It's a bit easier
on the heartstrings, though.

- How's your, uh... - Oh, she's
very well. She sends her best.

- Really?
- Really.

We both got quite a turn
from Henry's letter.

I...we both thought it...
Time to be a little more...

Well, I'm just very glad I saw it.

I think you're a wonderful queen!

- In every way!
- Cheeky bugger!

So, I have to get back.
For Christmas eve and all.

- Of course.
- But I'd like to bring mum

and me girlfriend.
Next week, maybe?

- Yes, lovely.
- Great. Well, look...

- I'll be off.
- Well done, dad.

- I thought you were great.
- Thank you.

(Terry): Good-bye.

- Thanks, Harry.
- Henry.

Henry Wakefield, what the fuck
did you put in that letter?

I told her you had cholera.

It's better taller.

Taller and chunkier.
Chunky is good.

See, I can make a lot more value
out of the spatial relationships.

Exactly, darling.
Well, you know Shakespeare.

I mean, if you can get
the spatial relationships right,

you can...it's... um, uh, often
can be so much better.

I'll just go and file this.
Editor's rather intrigued to have

a Shakespeare review
in the panto season.

Thank you.

Oh! Champagne!

Look, Nina, please.
Let me try to explain...

Ah, well, if it isn't the very
sad Swedish person hisself.

Joe, this is Nancy Crawford.

Oh, hello. It was very kind
of you to come to the play.

Yeah, well, I figured
I'd check out any guy

who can turn me down like that.

I mean, he must be worth
watching, however stupid.

- You said no?
- Yes, before the show.

Rather disproves your theory
from martyr central, doesn't it?

Still, as in all box office hits,
we do have a happy ending.

I'd like y'all
to meet the new Smegma.

And my own personal costume designer.

Oh, I love your little thin people.

- You do? - We're gonna base
Smegma's look on some of these.

I mean, it was so neat.

The whole thing was like
a Judy Garland movie.

You're gonna be great.
I mean, taller is better.

We need your kind
of physique, you know,

and all those different accents.

You have to get
a lot of character under latex.

- Where are you from originally?
- Norway.

That is great for
the european investors.

And don't you worry, honey.
I'll make sure he's naked

for the first 2 weeks of the shoot

so you have time for
your costume concept.

You're gonna love Nathan.
He's a wonderful designer.

He just couldn't find his Smegma.

Tom, you're playing Smegma
in the new sci-fi film

Galaxy Terminus?

You are too quick
for your own good, darling.

Well, I hope he is.

I don't need any more
fuck ups on this role.

Do you have an out
in your contract?

- Sorry?
- Did your agent negotiate

a way for you to leave the show
should such a thing happen?

- (Vernon): He hasn't got an agent.
- Huh?

Yes, he does. And obviously we'll make

some compensation to the management.

We'll talk about it, Joe.

My. Well, we all have a
plane to catch. Bob?

- Tom. - I'll be right along.
- Uh-huh. Snatch?

Fadge. Right with you, boss.

And Mickey and Judy,
you two were fine.

You keep it up, ok, kids?

For what it's worth, darling,

I thought you were
a wonderful Hamlet.

- Do you have representation, Snot?
- Fadge.

- (Nancy): Margaretta!
- Coming, Nancy!

Here. Call me.

I think I'm going to faint.

Oh, god! This is
all right, isn't it?

I mean, my work's
done here, isn't it?

Molly can just as easily
fill in for Tom, can't she?

Oh, no, of course it's all right.
With the compensation,

we can hire someone
to work the lights

and sell the tickets.
No, look!

I'm just very pleased for you.
Delighted. Really, I am.

(Terry): Just like a fairy tale.

(Henry): Bloody nightmare,
more like.

- (Terry): Shut up.
- (Carnforth): Oh, Nina, darling.

I just remembered. There's a
visitor for you out front.

(All): Ooh!

(Terry): Tall, dark stranger.

Dad!

I can't believe it!
I can't believe you came!

- Did you like it? Did you?
- You were wonderful.

Oh, dad! This is my family...

I mean, my friends...
and they're wonderful.

I want you to meet them all
and...and this is the most utterly...

- Stupid.
- Heroic man.

- I'm so proud of you. - Thank you.
It's not often you turn down

lifelong financial security
and a great career.

Oh, rubbish. You have a great career.
And you have me.

- Really?
- If you'd like.

Get his name on the dotted line, love,

he's a shifty git.

- Would you like to dance?
- I thought you didn't dance.

I thought better of it. And, I
reckon, if I play my cards right

I might get my leg over tonight.

Oh! I'm not just a fabulously
attractive sex object, you know.

- Yes, you are.
- Oh, fair enough.

Won't your dad
be appalled by all this?

Oh, no, he knows all about you.

Check out his phone bill.

I think he's just
accepted his last

reverse charge call from me.

Actors. They're all
the same, aren't they?

(Henry): Oh, this is marvelous.

You know, despite
my immense purity of soul

and being cleansed by my art,

I'm still gonna get
depressed and mad.

Yes, but we can get depressed
together. That's fun.

Aren't you always
going to be optimistic?

No, I'm going to be miserable

and fatter than a huge saggy ox.

Oh, lovely. I can just
feel it starting.

(Nina): Listen, everyone!
Merry Christmas!

(All): Merry Christmas!