Original subtitles

[unsettling, opening music playing]

[film rewinding]

[film rewinds]

[unsettling music builds up, stops]

[rapid gunfire]

[body thuds]

[baby crying]

[TV static]

["Krazy House" theme music playing]

♪ Making our way One step at a time ♪

♪ Sticking together Right down the line ♪

♪ Shaking it up with Living the life ♪

♪ It's a Krazy House ♪

-♪ Krazy House ♪

-♪ It's a Krazy House ♪

♪ Our home sweet home ♪

[narrator] [VO] Krazy House is taped

in front of a live studio audience.

[door opens]

-[audience cheering]

[Bernie] Group hug, guys.

Come on.

-[door closes] -[audience laughs]

[Bernie] Come on, guys.

Anyone?

Oh Angel, come on.

Come on.

Oh, who's a good girl?

Hey. You're a good girl. Whooh!

Oh, you want to pray to Jesus?

Oh.

Come on.

Get in your bed, young lady.

Here we go.

A one, a two, a you know what to do.

♪ "Come, thou long Expected Jesus" ♪

[Eva] Bernie.

[Bernie] We gotta get this fixed.

We gotta get this fixed.

[Eva] Bernie?

-[Bernie] Yeah.

[Eva] Honey, please. The game starts in 20 minutes,

and I've still got a lot of work to do.

[Bernie] On a Sunday?

That's the day we celebrate the Lord.

[Eva] Ooh.

-[Bernie] Just one song.

[Eva] Honey, you know I've got to close that big

business deal tomorrow and the Dutch are eight hours ahead.

[Bernie grunts, grumbles]

-[audience laughs] -[Eva] Sorry.

[Bernie] Sarah, how about you?

[Sarah blows gum]

Yeah, I'm not doing it if Mom isn't.

[Bernie] Adam?

You love to sing with your dad, right?

[Adam] I hate the damn church!

[audience] Ooooohhhhh!

[Bernie] Potty mouth, young man.

[Adam] Watch your potty mouth, young man.

[audience laughs]

[Adam] And I hate this sweater.

[Bernie] Oh, Adam, took me six months to make that.

[audience laughs]

[Bernie screams]

[vase shatters]

-[Bernie groans] -[audience laughs]

[Bernie] Oh, gosh.

What a mess!

[audience] [in chorus] Oh! Gosh! What! A! Mess!

[cheers]

[Eva] Adam, you know your father is afraid of

everything that you throw at him. Right?

[Adam] So?

[Eva] So, you're grounded, young man.

Go to your room.

[Adam] Yes, Nintendo!

[Eva] And no video games.

[Adam] Aaawh.

[audience laughs]

[Bernie] Look out.

Yeah. Whooh.

All right.

♪ Come thou Long expected Jesus ♪

[Eva] Bernie, what have I told you about those things?

[Bernie] It's okay, darling.

Safety first.

[groans]

[audience laughs]

[Bernie screams]

[gentle music plays]

Adam?

Hey.

[laundry basket thuds]

You know I made this sweater

especially for you, right?

[clears throat]

[bed creaks]

[Adam] You know the kids at school,

they call me Baby Jesus, Dad.

[audience] Awwwww!

[Bernie] Is that why you don't want to sing?

[Adam] It's 1990.

Nobody goes to church anymore, Dad.

[Bernie] Well, that's because you guys forgot

being a Christian can be kind of c-c-c-c-cool.

Gimme five, duderino!

[Adam] You sing like a girl.

[audience] Oooh!

[Bernie] What you working on?

[Adam] Nothing. Just science stuff.

[Bernie] Hey... Adam.

Come here.

Come here.

Come on.

Hey, you know who was a great scientist?

God. [chuckles]

He created the earth in just six days

and then he took Sunday off. It's kind of neat, right?

[Adam] What about the theory of evolution?

[audience] Oooh!

[Bernie] Why don't you put your science away

and go outside and play with your friends?

[Adam] What friends, Dad?

[audience] Awwwww!

[Bernie] You put this away.

This stuff can be really dangerous.

I read a church newsletter about a guy-- What?

Cheese and rice!

Cheese and rice. That's a hot one.

Oh, cats and dogs.

Honey, get out of the way. I'm on fire.

[Eva] Just one minute! I'm working over here...

-[Bernie screams] -[shattering]

[Adam chuckles]

[Eva] Bernie, what the...?

[audience laughing]

[sitcom theme playing]

[Bernie] Cheese and rice!

[audience laughing]

[Bernie] Hm, what do you think?

-[Angel barks] -[Bernie] Yeah.

You're right, it needs a little bit longer.

[audience laughing]

[Bernie] I'll clean all this up once they kick off.

[Eva] Bernie...

I wanted to talk to you about something serious.

[Bernie] Oh, sure.

Darn it.

Oh, it's hot!

Hot, hot, hot, hot.

-[clanking] -[Bernie groaning]

Help! I can't...

[Eva] How many times have I told you

to take off those stupid things?

Okay, get my toolbox and turn the water off quickly.

[Bernie] I don't know where they--

[Eva] In the fuse box.

Go!

[audience laughs]

[Bernie] There we go.

[audience laughs]

[Bernie exhales]

[Bernie laughs]

[lever breaks off]

[audience laughs]

[doorbell rings]

[Eva] Can you find the lever?

[Bernie] I-- yeah, I got it.

[Eva] Then pull it!

[Bernie] I did.

[audience laughs]

-[lever clanks] -[doorbell rings]

[Bernie] What is going on here, young lady?

[Sarah] Ow, Dad!

[Bernie] I thought you and your mom talked about this?

[doorbell rings]

[audience laughs]

[Sarah] Mom?

You mean the woman we see once in a while?

[audience] Ooooohhhhh!

[Bernie] That's not nice.

Your mom works hard so we can live in this beautiful house.

[doorbell rings]

[Sarah] Dad, all the other girls in my school

already have boyfriends.

I need this.

[Bernie] Bunch of other people-- ah, gosh darn.

Ah.

Your beauty comes from the inside.

You can find the right one at the right time.

God works in mysterious ways.

[distant clatter]

[audience laughing]

[Bernie] Just look at me and your mom.

We bumped into each other at church camp

when Mom was just 26 years old.

I thought heaven was missing an angel.

[audience] Awwwww!

[Bernie kisses frame]

I mean, we... we literally bumped into each other,

by the way. I broke Mom's glasses,

and I've had to wear these things ever since.

Excuse me.

[audience laughing]

[Sarah] Eeeww!

Gross.

[Bernie] I can't even whistle.

[trying to whistle]

I can't. I can't do it, no matter how hard I try.

[audience laughing]

[Bernie groans]

Take your time, Eager Beaver.

[Sarah] Dad, don't call me that.

[Bernie laughing]

-[Sarah swallows gum] -[Bernie] Oh, I don't think

swallowing bubblegum is healthy. -[distant rattle]

[Bernie] Excuse me.

Find out who the heck is that.

On a Sunday.

[Eva] Bernie!

[Bernie] Yeah, I'm coming, honey.

Oh.

What can I do you for?

[Dmitri] [with Russian accent] This 24 Lords Way?

[Angel barks]

[Bernie] Oh. Oh, hang on there.

Hey, oh, hang on.

Ever since she had a pseudo-pregnancy,

she's overprotective.

Sarah, can you help Daddy, darling?

She's had a... she had a hysterectomy,

but there we go. -[romantic music playing]

[Bernie] Her body still thinks she can get pregnant.

She even produces milk. It's pretty weird...

[audience] Oooh.

[laughs]

[Bernie] So, what can I help you guys with?

[Dmitri] My name Dmitri. He's my brother, Igor.

My father, Piotr.

[Bernie] Oh, well, howdy, y'all.

[Dmitri] Our mom dead.

[audience] Oooh.

[Bernie] Oh, I'm sorry.

[Dmitri] Cancer, in her face.

[Bernie] That's not the good kind.

[chuckles]

[Igor] We work to pay a big hospital bill.

[Bernie] Yeah, we prefer not to work here

on the day of rest.

Oh, hey.

[laughs]

Oh.

Sorry. -[audience] Oooh.

[Dmitri] You call us when you have job, huh?

[Bernie] Okay.

[Dmitri] Or when you need advice.

No problem.

[Bernie] No. I will-- I will call you if I have a job or--

or need advice.

[Eva] Bernie!

[Bernie] Cheese and rice, honey.

Oh, hey.

It worked.

[audience laughs]

[Bernie] What was it you wanted to

talk to me about, honey?

[water dripping]

[Eva crying]

[audience] Awww.

[Bernie] Hey, you want a hug?

[Eva squeals, cries]

[hits head] -[clanks]

[Eva groaning]

[Bernie] Right there.

Little flag.

Got your favorite whistle.

[whistle plays]

[audience laughs]

[Bernie] Dr. White's on the way.

Hey, hey, I might just go and check the water situation.

[Eva] I'll do it.

[strains] -[audience laughs]

[Bernie] It's fine.

Relax.

Hey, hmft.

Trust me.

Everything going to be just fine.

[audience laughs]

[Bernie] I got your glasses.

Here we go.

I'll put 'em on your little... on your head.

[laughs] Here we go.

Oh, first down of fun.

[game playing on TV]

[water dripping]

[audience laughs]

[audience] Awwww.

[Bernie] Silly girl, that won't work.

[audience laughs]

[Angel barks]

[Bernie] You're right.

Maybe I should.

[phone dialtone]

-[Dmitri] [over phone] Hello. -[Bernie] Hey, Dmitri.

Hi, it's Bernie.

[Dmitri] [over phone] [mumbles]

[Bernie] Want to ask your advice, uh,

hang on, Dmitri. -[door bell rings]

[footsteps]

[Dr. White] Oh, hey.

Dr. White to the rescue.

How you doing?

Whoa, go team!

So, how's my favorite patient doing today?

[Bernie] No, no, that's sweet of you,

but please, no. Don't come over. I don't...

[yelps] -[phone thuds]

[Bernie] No. What got into you, girl?

They're good people. They're here to help.

Guys, no working on Sunday.

[Igor] No problem! We fix quick!

[Bernie] Cheese and rice, at least take your shoes off.

[clattering]

[Eva] Bernie! Who are--? Oh, I'm gonna get my tools.

[whistle plays]

Jesus fucking Christ! You can't do that shit!

Goddamnit!

[Dr. White] Sorry to tell you this, Bernie.

Eva's got a serious case of burnout.

[audience] Awww.

[Bernie] What... what exactly does that mean?

[Dr. White] Well, for the time being,

one hundred percent rest.

No more work, no more stimulus.

[Eva] No. No!

[Dr. White] And most definitely no excessive noises.

[Bernie] I got it.

[Eva] This can't be happening.

My boss is already on my ass!

We have that deal we're gonna close with Holland tomorrow,

and I gotta watch my game.

And the damn...

-[Dr. White] Okay. -[Eva] ...faucet.

[groaning] -[Dr. White] Settle down.

Settle down. It's okay.

This is why women should stay in the kitchen.

[audience laughs]

[Dr. White] Right. Well... good luck,

and remember what I said. One hundred percent rest, okay?

-[Bernie] I got it, Doc. -[Dr. White] You got that?

[Bernie] All under control.

-[claps] -[Bernie groans]

[Dr. White] Whoo!

[laughs] -[door closes]

[Bernie] Rest up, honey, and I'll call work.

I'll take care of everything.

-[huge crash] -[Bernie and Eva gasp]

[Bernie] No.

-[huge crash] -[family frame shatters]

[Bernie] Ooh, ooh.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Bernie] I'mma go see if I can save them apples.

-[Eva cries] -[audience laughs]

[plate clanks]

[Bernie] Oh, gosh. What a mess!

[audience] Oh, gosh! What a mess!

[Dmitri] We stopped water...

[Bernie] That's great, but this is not what I wanted.

[hard slap thrown]

[audience] Ooohh...

[Bernie] Violence is never the answer, sir.

-[hard slap thrown] -[audience] Ooohh...

[Igor] Sorry.

[Bernie] Fine.

[hard slap thrown]

-[Bernie] I can't watch this. -[Igor] I sorry, mister...

-[punch thrown] -[body thuds]

[door hinges creaks]

[audience cheering]

[Adam] Where are the Twinkles?

[Bernie] Yo-- young man.

What did your mom tell you about snacks before dinner?

[romantic music playing]

[audience laughs]

[Dmitri] You want?

[Bernie] How are we gonna resolve all this?

[Dmitri] We fix. No problem.

Igor, get jack-hammer!

[Bernie] No, no. Igor, don't get...

[audience laughs]

[Bernie] Argh. Okay, fine. You can fix it.

Can I ask-- can we start tomorrow?

How about we just let it rest for today?

[Dmitri sneezes hard, sniffles]

[Bernie breathing rapidly]

[voice] [VO] Kill them all.

Kill them all.

Kill them all!

[Dmitri] Big no.

[Bernie] You guys ever heard the story of The Good Samaritan?

Tonight, guys, you are my guests.

Put your sleeping bags anywhere in the kitchen,

but please just keep the noise down.

My wife, she really, really needs her rest.

[unsettling music playing]

[owl hooting]

[Bernie] It's gonna be fine.

[Eva] [crying] I just don't want those

communists near my babies.

[Bernie] Come on, it's fine.

Listen, they're not bad people.

[Eva cries]

[Bernie] They mean well.

It's gonna be fine.

[Eva] I just don't see you handling everything.

[audience] Ooohhh.

[Eva crying]

[audience laughs]

[Bernie] I know what you need.

[romantic music playing]

You need a distraction.

[audience] Ooohhh.

[Bernie] Wow.

You like-- -[Eva] No.

[music fades]

[audience laughing]

[Bernie] Right.

[groans]

I'm so sorry.

[unsettling music playing]

[jackhammer pounding]

[Eva] Make it stop.

[Bernie] Oh. Hey, I guess it stopped.

[jackhammer pounding continues]

[audience laughing]

[Eva] Fix it, goddamnit!

[Bernie] Come on, Bernie. You can do this.

You can do this.

Oh, Jesus.

Aaah, no!

Aah.

[groaning]

Guys!

-[jackhammer pounding stops] -[Bernie] Guys!

[audience] Oooohhh.

[Bernie] It's two o'clock in the morning.

[Igor] Now's not day of rest anymore.

So, we think we start early and then also finish early.

Yeah?

[Dmitri] It's good for wife.

[theme music playing]

[cock crowing]

[thudding]

[audience laughs]

-[Bernie] Thank you. -[jackhammer pounding]

-♪ Life is full of surprises ♪

♪ Each day, something new ♪ -[Bernie] Hey.

-♪ Doing the best we can ♪

♪ Is all we know how to do ♪

♪ You and me and the family ♪ -[Piotr] Hey, no touch.

[Bernie] That's fine.

[sink separates, thuds]

[Bernie] [into phone] She is very, very sick, sir.

You can't just fire her for not coming in.

Oh, you-- you can.

[Eva] Did you talk to my boss?

[Bernie] Not yet.

He's been kind of busy.

[Igor] You want?

[audience laughs]

♪ Making our way One step at a time ♪

♪ Sticking together Right down the line ♪

♪ Shaking it up, We're living the life ♪

♪ It's a Krazy House ♪

♪ Krazy House ♪

♪ It's a Krazy House ♪

♪ Our home sweet home ♪

[Adam coughing]

-[loud thud] -[audience] Awwww...

[Bernie] What's going on here?

No, I said no more fooling around with this science stuff.

[Igor and Adam chuckling]

[liquid boiling]

[Adam moaning]

[alien babbling]

[Adam] Hey.

[Adam laughing]

[audience laughing]

[audience woooing]

[gum pops]

[Dmitri] You look more pretty than my niece.

[audience] Awwww.

♪ Making our way One step at a time ♪

♪ Sticking together ♪

♪ Right down the line ♪ -[Bernie] Watch out, it's hot!

-[Eva] Aaaahhh! -[audience] Oh!

[Eva] Take those fucking things off!

[house shaking]

[audience laughs]

[Eva] Why are those commies still

tearing our house apart, Bernie?

[Dmitri] We follow water pipe.

[Bernie] Oh, they're following the water pipe.

[Dmitri] Almost done.

[Bernie laughs] And they're almost done.

[Eva sobs]

[disturbing music playing]

[Bernie] It's Easter.

Ain't it peaceful?

Hm.

What's that you say? You want a bit of bacon.

Don't... Oh! [laughs]

Where is everybody?

Adam, Sarah, breakfast.

Guys?

Cheese and rice.

I did not realize you were making a poopy.

I'll give you a little more privacy.

Aaah. [awkward chuckle]

Adam! Sarah!

[Bernie] We don't wanna be late for church!

And remember to put on your special sweaters.

[door opens]

[Dmitri moaning]

[Bernie] Hey, are... are you... are you...?

[Adam and Igor laughing]

[Bernie] Is that reefer?

[Eva] I got this letter in the mail.

Says here that I'm fired.

[Bernie] I... I just...

I couldn't find the right time to tell you.

I'm so sorry.

[Adam and Igor laughing]

[audience gasps]

[Adam] What the fuck?

[Dr. White] Open up. There you go. Good girl.

[thudding downstairs]

Yeah. You get some rest.

Come on, lie down.

There you go.

I'll just keep this before any more accidents happen.

[audience] Awwww...

[Dr. White] Half a pill, once a day.

No more.

This is strong stuff.

And whatever you do, do not mix this with alcohol.

[Bernie] Oh, right.

Well, Eva doesn't drink, so that's not a problem.

[Dr. White] I've actually done it a couple of times myself,

you know? -[Bernie] Oh!

[Dr. White] It just knocks you out cold.

[both laugh]

[Dr. White] So, remember what I said about the alcohol.

Make sure she gets her rest, okay?

Whatever it takes.

[Bernie] Okay. Well, thank you, Doctor.

Goodbye and God bless.

[Dr. White] You want a hug?

You're getting a hug.

There we go.

There we go.

[hard slaps thrown]

-[Dr. White] Okay. -[Bernie] Okay.

[door opens, closes]

[hammer pounding]

[Bernie] Guys, Bernie Christian here.

I think it's best if we postpone the whole operation.

It's not you, guys.

My wife, just with the noise and the dust...

[driller thuds]

[Piotr coughing]

[Bernie] Are you all right?

[Piotr coughing hard]

[Bernie] It's with a very heavy heart, guys,

that I'm gonna have to ask y'all to leave.

[suspenseful music playing]

[man] [VO] Kill them all.

Kill them all.

Kill them all.

[audience laughing]

[Bernie] Did you guys just hear that?

One second.

[house shaking]

[Bernie panting]

[shattering]

[man] [VO] Kill them all.

[Bernie] Ow!

[man] [VO] Kill them all.

[Bernie] Heavenly Father, thank You for Your guidance.

Forgive me for getting ahead of Your plans.

Help me know when to stop and listen for Your direction...

Ouch! [groaning]

[ethereal music playing]

[Jesus] Bernie Christian.

[Bernie] Jesus Christ.

How is this even poss--

[Jesus] Speak, my son.

Speak!

[Bernie] Yes, sir.

I'm sorry to ask, but I don't know what to do.

I'm starting to hear all these strange voices inside my head.

[Jesus] Say no more, Bernie Christian.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

[Bernie] Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus.

What I don't understand, though...

Jesus?

Jesus?

Jesus?

[winces] God.

-[Eva] Where are we going? -[Bernie] Here we go.

Here we go. -[Eva] Where are you taking me?

[Bernie] Peace and quiet's on the way.

[Eva] What?

No, I don't want to go!

[Bernie] Stay calm.

[Sarah] Dad?

Dad?

I don't feel so good.

[Adam] Yeah, I think I'm just gonna stay here

and hang out with Igor a little bit.

[Bernie] No, with us out of the way,

Piotr and his sons can fix everything that much faster.

The sooner we get back to normal, the better,

so we're gonna go visit Aunt Mary.

Isn't that great?

[Sarah] That's a 14-hour drive, Dad.

[Bernie] Well, I think...

[Eva] God damn! Fucking Christ!

God fucking damn it!

[Adam] Mom, stop it! Mom!

Hey, look what you're doing, Dad!

Fuck.

[Angel barking]

[Adam] I'm staying, okay.

[Sarah] Dad, what's wrong with me?

[Bernie] I don't know.

Guys, us Christians have to stick together.

If we do that, everything's gonna be just fine.

[Officer Jack] Just gonna check on the Christian family.

It's probably nothing.

[Bernie] I promise.

[knocks on door]

[Officer Jack] Hey there, folks.

Lovely weather we're having, don't you think?

[Bernie] Well...

[Officer Jack] Is everything going okay in here?

Thought I heard maybe...

-[gun fired] -[Bernie] Ah!

[all gasping]

[body thuds]

[Piotr spits]

[Bernie mumbles in fear]

[Sarah] He just shot Officer Jack.

[door closes, locks]

[Eva] You were going to move me out of my own house

for a couple of workers?

-[Bernie] What, um...? -[Eva] Your sick wife?

How could you fucking do that?

[Piotr] Hey!

Shut up your face. Take tool and work.

[Bernie] Work?

[Piotr] We leave when we find it.

[Bernie] Find... find what?

[Eva] Aah!

-[whacks head with rifle] -[high pitch ringing]

[hammer pounding]

[Eva sobbing]

I can't take it anymore.

[Bernie] Just put your shoulder into it, honey.

I'm sure Piotr will find what he needs real soon.

[Eva] No, Bernie. I can't do us anymore.

[Bernie] Why--? Why?

[Eva] I don't love you anymore, Bernie.

[gun cocks]

[hammer pounding]

[Sarah retches]

I think I'm pregnant.

[stomach growling]

[Dmitri] But... it is not possible.

[Sarah] But I really think so.

[hammer pounding]

-[Bernie] Eve? -[Eva groans]

[Bernie] Eva!

No, no, no, no.

It's fine. It's fine.

She just needs one of these.

-[Piotr] Work! -[Bernie] Sure.

[Piotr] Open.

[Eva moans]

[Piotr coughing]

[Eva] Piotr, are you okay?

[Piotr coughing]

[Bernie] Piotr, are you okay?

-[Eva] What? -[lighter clicks]

[Eva] What, he...?

He seemed sick.

[Angel barking]

[Bernie] Angel, no! Angel!

[Piotr] Let him.

[Angel barking in the distance]

[Piotr] Smells.

-[Bernie] Smells what? -[Piotr] Dog.

-[Bernie] Smells-- -[Piotr] Dog.

Up.

Biro, up!

Biro!

Up!

[Bernie straining]

-[Piotr] Hey! -[Bernie grunts]

[lashes thrown with belt]

[Piotr] Faster!

-[whipping continues] -[Bernie grunts]

[whipping continues]

[Bernie groans]

Jesus.

Oh, Jesus, thank God.

Thank God, why is all this happening?

[Jesus] The Lord works in mysterious ways, my son.

[Bernie] He does. He really does.

Feels like I failed you,

but I thought I did everything right.

I tried to be a good Christian.

I mean, the best.

I put you first even... even before my own family,

if I'm being honest.

So, please tell me Lord, why do they suffer so now?

[Jesus] I died for your sins, Bernie Christian.

I am the answer to your problems.

[Bernie] Thank you. Thank you, Jesus.

Who... what was the answer?

[Jesus] I am.

God created me as the answer to all problems.

[Bernie] Oh, right.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

I still don't get it.

What do you-- what do you mean exactly?

[Jesus] We need to come to the sanctuary of God

to get all of our answers.

Sanctuary of God is in your spirit

and in the church.

[Bernie] Right. Yeah, we go there every Sunday.

I-- I never missed a service before today.

So? [scoffs]

[Jesus] Well, you need to turn to your spirit.

[Bernie] My wife doesn't love me anymore.

My daughter's having premarital sex,

and my son is a junkie. How do you explain that?

[Jesus] You need to turn to your spirit--

[Bernie] Bullshit.

Bullshit!

[Jesus] And experience the division--

[Bernie] [interrupts] Can't you just give me

a straight goddamn answer?

I didn't mean to say-- please don't go, Jesus.

Jesus! -[Piotr] Work!

-[Bernie grunts] -[Piotr] Fuck!

-[doorbell rings] -[siren wailing]

[banging on door]

[Adam laughs]

[banging on door]

Oh, fuck! [laughs]

[Officer Johnson] Open up.

This is the police. Open up.

[Adam laughing]

[Piotr] Hey.

[Officer Johnson] Open up right now.

Hello?

[Igor and Adam laughing]

[Officer Johnson] Okay, last chance.

Open the door and come out with your hands up.

[into radio] This is Officer Johnson checking in.

There's no sign of Officer Jack at the Christians.

There's a lot of blood on the front door,

but nobody seems to be home.

We're going to check out the neighborhood.

[Bernie] No! Help us!

-[gun fired] -[Bernie grunts]

[Officer Johnson] Shots fired. Shots fired.

I need backup now.

[Bernie groaning]

[heavy thuds]

[Piotr] No touch.

[Bernie] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Officer Johnson] Is everybody okay in there?

[Bernie] Ow.

[Officer Johnson] I said, is everybody okay in there?

[Bernie groans]

[Officer Johnson] Well, don't worry,

backup is on the way.

[Piotr] Come here, fucking pig!

[Bernie] We're never gonna make it out of here alive.

[Piotr] Shoot you in the vest!

[Bernie] Never, never, never, never, never.

[tablet container pops]

[gun cocks]

[man] [VO] Kill them all.

[tablets clatter]

[Bernie] Lord, forgive me for what I'm about to do.

Thank you.

[suspenseful music playing]

[cork pops]

[liquor looping]

[Piotr] What? Fuck.

[Bernie] I'm sorry, sir.

I'm so sorry, sir. Please. I'm sorry.

[Piotr] No touch vodka.

Never.

[kick thrown]

-[Bernie groaning] -[Piotr snoring]

[Bernie groaning]

[floor creaking]

[Bernie strains]

[wood creaks loudly]

[Bernie] Come on. We got to get up.

Here we go.

Come on. Here we go.

[bed rolling]

[table sliding]

Okay.

Okay.

Here we go. [strains]

Why don't you start tying sheets together, okay?

[straining hard]

[clanks]

Oh, gosh darn, that's a splinter.

[Sarah] Dad? What are you doing?

[Adam inhaling rapidly]

[Bernie] I'm getting us out of here, sweetheart.

[groans] That... that's still in there.

[Eva] Um... where are my pills? Has anybody see my pills?

[Bernie] I think you've had enough pills...

[Sarah retches]

Dad, is this normal?

[Bernie] I don't know, sweetheart.

Can you ask Mom?

[Sarah] Mom's not here, Dad.

She's never here, and if I ask you,

you just quote that stupid book.

You guys are useless.

[Bernie] Adam, what's going on here?

[Adam] You don't even care how I feel.

You talk more to Jesus than your own son.

[Bernie] Sweetheart, can you help me?

[Eva] No, goddamnit. Who takes care of all of us?

[Bernie] Oh, well. [scoffs] I think we--

we both have our roles. -[Sarah] I'm gonna see

if Dmitri's okay.

[Bernie] No! Sarah, please.

[shatters and clatters]

Have you guys gone crazy?

Hey.

Don't...

Just give me the pills back.

[Eva] Aaah.

[laughing]

[Bernie] Y'all gone crazy?

[hyperventilating]

[Bernie peeing]

[Bernie moans]

[low voice] Kill them all.

[normal voice] This is not how you were raised,

Bernie Christian.

[low voice] Kill them all.

[normal voice] Let all bitterness and wrath

and anger be set aside.

[low voice] Kill them all.

[normal voice] Be kind to one another.

[low voice] Kill them all.

[normal voice] Tenderhearted.

[low voice] Kill them all.

[normal voice] Forgiving.

[low voice] Kill them all.

[normal voice] As God in Christ forgave you.

[Bernie] Piotr.

I forgive you.

[hits head with a rifle]

[brooding music playing]

[Bernie groaning]

[brooding music continues]

[song playing]

[song playing]

[Adam] Igor, I... I wasn't...

-[slap thrown] -[clanking]

[Piotr] You must give son,

not fuck son.

[spits]

[Angel barking]

Come.

[intense music playing]

[hammer pounding]

[Angel barking]

[Bernie] That's a good girl.

That's a good dog.

[Piotr] Just rat?

[Bernie] Just a rat.

[Bernie] No!

[gun fired]

[Bernie crying hard]

[emotional music playing]

[siren wailing, helicopter flying]

[Agent Janssen] [over megaphone] This is the F.B.I.

Open up, asshole!

[Eva groans]

[Piotr] Fuck, F.B.I.!

Go, or I shoot this mother bitch in face!

[Dmitri] Suck dick, fucking sons of fucks!

[rapid gunfire]

[Agent Janssen] [over megaphone] Take cover! Take cover!

[Dmitri] My father not go back jail!

the same Russian steel, Dmitri.

[Agent Janssen] [over megaphone] Stay calm, guys.

We're just here to help. Is anyone hurt?

[Piotr] I let hostage go, you give airplane Russia!

[Agent Janssen] [over megaphone] Stay calm.

[Piotr] If no, I shoot hostage dead.

I start with this whore.

[Agent Janssen] [over megaphone] No, guys.

[rapid gunfire]

[Agent Janssen] [over megaphone] Take cover!

Hold your fire. Stay calm in there, guys.

[Piotr] You have one hour, asshole guy!

[Eva] You're leaving?

-[punch thrown] -[Eva groaning]

[Piotr] Shut face, dirty slut.

We go back to motherland. With the whole family.

[Piotr coughing]

[rapid gunfire]

[Eva] I love you. So, I wanna come with you.

[Bernie sobbing]

[Bernie] No!

[siren wailing outside]

[Igor] Adam?

[emotional music playing]

-[Piotr] Igor? -[gun fired]

[door opens]

[Adam] Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck, go on. Go on.

Please, go on.

Fuck, fuck. Fuck! Come on.

[Igor] Hey.

[Adam panting]

Why do you listen to your dad?

He hates you, man.

[Igor] I sorry I kiss you.

I think we have something special

after we smoked high together.

[Adam] Oh, fuck. [coughs]

[groaning]

That's okay... I was...

I was just looking for something else, you know.

[panting]

When's the alien coming back?

[groans]

[Igor] He never come back.

I only saw him one time. First time I got high.

He never come back. I sorry.

[Adam] No.

[sobs] No.

[Igor] I just want to make Papa proud.

I just want to make Papa proud.

I can't.

[gun fired]

[Eva] [muffled groan]

[Eva groans]

[Bernie] You commie son of a bitch.

[Piotr] Ah.

[Angel's body thuds]

[Piotr spits]

[rapid gunfire, siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

[car window shatters]

[Nadia groans]

[Nadia grunting]

[baby crying]

[siren wailing]

[baby crying]

[Piotr] Aah!

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

[siren wailing]

[car door opens, closes]

Ah.

[car door opens, closes]

[rapid gunfire]

[siren wailing]

[siren wailing]

[pounding]

[Agent Janssen] Hands up, asshole!

She's dead.

[Piotr] No, you fuck!

[Agent Janssen] Look at me.

Fucking look at me!

You know the cop you just killed?

He was my partner.

[Piotr] All pigs deserve to die.

[Agent Janssen] You fuck!

[police officer] Janssen? No!

[Agent Janssen] You communist cop killer fuck!

[police officer] No, he's not worth it!

[Agent Janssen] He fucking killed Winslow!

[police officer] He's not worth it!

[Agent Janssen] I'll be waiting for you.

I fucking promise!

[Piotr laughing maniacally]

[Bernie groans]

[Piotr laughing]

[Piotr sighs]

[Bernie] You sick fuck.

[Piotr] Nadia must be not alone in cemetery.

Family be together.

[emotional music playing]

[rubble bag rips off]

[Piotr] Nadia.

[Eva moaning]

[woman vocalizing]

[moaning, kissing]

[Bernie] Eve? Darling?

Eve!

[moaning]

-[Sarah] Mom? -[Dmitri] Shut up, woman!

-[slaps hard] -[Sarah groans]

[Piotr and Eva moaning]

[Bernie] Oh!

Eve, no!

[Eva] No! Stop!

-[Bernie] No! -[Eva] Piotr, no! Ow!

-[Bernie] Eve! -[Eva] Bernie!

Bernie!

No!

-[Piotr strains] -[Eva groans]

Piotr, stop!

[Bernie] [screams angrily]

[panting]

It's all right.

I get it.

You can only do so much, right?

Right?

[Jesus] Ah, yes.

[Bernie] I devoted my whole life to you.

-[Jesus] I know. -[Bernie chuckles]

I... sure... I... maybe I took it a little bit too far

once or twice but...

I needed you to stay sane.

You get that, right?

[Jesus] There's so many of you.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate each and every

single one of you, but I can't--

[Bernie] [interrupts] Can't do everything for everyone.

Yeah. I mean, I get it. I get that.

That'd be crazy.

You're not Santa Claus.

You guys got a lot on your plate with...

birth control and homosexuals. Pedophiles.

[Jesus] Yes, absolutely.

There is a lot to unpack there.

[Bernie] There is a lot to unpack.

[Jesus] Yes.

[Bernie] There's a lot to unpack.

[Jesus] I'm working it.

I'm doing my best, son.

[Bernie] And that's all a man can do.

That's all a man can do.

[Jesus] Amen, right.

[Bernie] [sighs] Amen.

I wanna thank you for giving me a little bit of time on my own.

I needed some time to think, just to work a few things out,

so thank you, Jesus.

[Jesus] Nah. No, don't thank me.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I should have been there for you,

and I hope you can forgive me for that.

[Bernie] Hey, I forgive you.

[Jesus] Thank you, Bernie.

[Bernie] You're welcome.

Hey, you gonna use your magic... [laughs]

Help me off of this thing.

[Jesus] Yeah, that's right. You know, trust me,

it's bad for your lower back after a little while.

You wanna be-- -[Bernie] Ah!

Ah!!

[Jesus screaming in pain]

[Bernie] Fuck you, Jesus Christ.

[Eva] No. No!

[groaning]

[Bernie] Kill them all.

Kill them all.

Kill... them... all.

[grunting]

[nails clank]

[Eva] No! No!

[Piotr grunting]

[Piotr screaming]

[face sizzles]

[strikes mop]

[Bernie] Hello, love.

[Eva] Hi, Bernie.

-[cloth ripped off] -[Eva moans]

[glass shatters]

[Eva] Shit!

[Bernie] You little prick.

[gun cocks]

[both grunting]

[gun fired]

[Piotr] No!

[thuds]

[tense music]

[gun fired]

[grunting]

[blood splatters]

[bottle shattering]

[Agent Janssen] [over megaphone] Are the hostages okay?

Are the hostages okay?

Does anyone need medical attention?

[Piotr] Medical attention, no.

[Agent Janssen] [over megaphone] All right, stay calm.

Stay calm. We've got it.

There's an unmarked car for you in the driveway.

The tank is full, and we already notified the airport.

[Piotr] And airplane? Asshole guy?

[Agent Janssen] [over megaphone] Working on it, as we speak.

All right, guys, what do you think?

What do you think?

[Dmitri] We hear you fuckers!

We go outside! You go back!

[Piotr] Hey, you, come with us.

-[gun cocks] -[Dmitri] Go! Go!

-Go! -[Eva] Why?

Why do you need us to come? You already have what you want.

[Dmitri] You think we trust asshole FBI.

Of course not, stupid.

You are insurance.

Let's go, Momma.

Go!

We're going.

[Igor crying]

[Piotr] Ah, shut the fuck up in the face.

We go. We go.

[Eva] [crying angrily] No, no!

-[Sarah] No, Mom! -[Eva] No!

[Piotr] Fuck!

[Eva squeals]

[Piotr] You want stay?

You can stay. No problem.

Forever.

-[gun cocks] -[Dmitri] Papa, no.

[Bernie whistles]

He's right.

My family is staying right the fuck where they are.

[game theme music plays]

[flame crackles]

[ethereal choral singing]

[Piotr] Noooo!

[gun fired]

[bullet ricochets]

[punch thrown]

[body thuds]

[gun cocks]

[gun fired]

[Dmitri groans]

[body thuds]

[ethereal choral singing continues]

[Bernie] Scieeeeence Mothafuckaaaaas!

[loud explosion, glass shatters]

[Eva groaning]

[coughing]

-[distant thud] -[Eva gasps]

[flames crackling]

[straining, groaning]

[Sarah] Mom.

[sobs]

[Eva] Hi, baby.

[Adam coughing]

[Eva] Baby. Baby.

[Adam] He's dead. He's dead.

Dad's dead.

[crying]

[Eva] He died for our sins.

[Adam] We gotta go.

We have to get out of here.

[Sarah] Yeah.

[Adam] That's what he would've wanted. Come on.

[Eva sobbing]

-[gun cocks] -[FBI Agent 1] Christians,

we're here to get you out.

Come over here, please.

[Sarah] Look.

Mom.

It's over. It's all over.

[Eva sobbing]

Come.

-[gun cocks] -[Eva gasps]

[FBI Agent 1] Calm down, sir.

Let the hostages go.

[Piotr] Fuck you!

The fuck.

[Dmitri] They're too many.

[FBI Agent 1] Don't do it, sir.

[sliding stone rolling]

[Eva] Bernard.

[Bernie] Let it be known on this day,

Bernie Christian rose from the fucking dead.

It's Easter, motherfuckers.

And I'm the motherfucking Easter Bunny.

Now get the fuck out of my house!

[Piotr] You destroy me family, you motherfuck!

-[gun fired] -[FBI agent groans]

[FBI Agent 2] Shots fired! Shots fired!

-[rapid gunfire] -[FBI Agent 2] Take cover!

Man down.

[rapid gunfire, bullets ricocheting]

[Dmitri] Papa.

[rapid gunfire]

[Bernie] Aaaahhh!

[rapid gunfire continues]

[FBI agent groans]

[rapid gunfire continues]

[Eva] Help!

[rapid gunfire continues]

[audience screaming in panic]

[FBI agent groans]

[rapid gunfire continues]

[Dmitri panting]

[melancholic choral music]

[rapid gunfire continues]

[FBI Agent grunts]

[bullets clank]

[rapid gunfire continues]

[FBI Agent grunts]

[rifle thuds]

[slap thrown]

[Agent Janssen] Easy there, Piotr.

I've waited such a long time for this.

By escaping prison, you made it so much easier for me.

'Cause here you are.

So, thanks.

[Agent Janssen] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've killed your wife.

Comes with the territory, right?

But Officer Winslow was a good man.

True American.

Real family man, you know.

With such a cheerful wife.

She blamed me for his death.

And she was right.

I should have protected him.

He was my partner.

My best friend.

My family.

[Piotr] It's not my problem.

[Agent Janssen] No, you're right, it's not.

I'm just here to keep my promise.

And what do you know, no more colleagues left to stop me--

[rapid gunfire]

[body thuds]

[Bernie] I don't think the police can help.

This is a family matter.

Down.

[Piotr] Fuck you.

-[Bernie laughs] -[rapid gunfire]

[Piotr groaning]

[Piotr] Only couple weeks left.

No doctor, no can help.

Only wanted to die motherland.

The rest of family grave.

There's all family together.

[Bernie] Oh.

[gun cocks]

[Piotr moaning]

[mumbling in Russian]

[Bernie blows off dust]

Hello. [laughs]

See you around, buddy.

What's that you say?

You missed him. [laughs]

[Piotr] No, no.

Bernard, no.

No. Bernard. -[Bernie] Here we go.

[Piotr] No. [grunting in pain]

[Bernie moaning]

[Eva] So sorry for everything, honey.

[Bernie] Oh.

I'm sorry too, darling.

I love you. [chuckles]

[Piotr groans]

[Igor groaning]

[Piotr grunting in pain]

[Piotr] Help.

[grunting in pain]

[emotional music playing]

[Bernie] Jesus is inside you now.

[Piotr grunting]

[Eva] What's with the accent?

[Bernie] I have absolutely no idea.

[Eva] It's hot.

[Bernie] [chuckles] Ooh la-la-la.

-[loud crack] -[Eva gasps]

[Adam] Aaaahh!

[Bernie] Adam, no!

[Adam] Aaaahh!

Aaaahh! Oh, God!

[screaming in pain]

Oh, fuck!

Oh, motherfucker!

[Bernie] Fucking hell.

[Adam grunting in pain]

[Sarah] Oh, fuck.

[Dmitri] Relax, breathe.

[Sarah] No. Fuck off, asshole!

[Sarah retches]

[Dmitri] I so sorry, Sarah.

I'm so sorry I hit you.

I-- see, I not know better.

Because I was raised Russian way.

[Sarah retches]

[Dmitri] I will change.

I can change for you.

Yes?

I'm not like Papa.

[Adam groaning in pain]

[Bernie] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go.

Feel better?

Hey, you feel better?

[alien talking]

-[Adam] Hey. -[Bernie] Hey.

[Sarah retches]

[Dmitri] Yes, good! Let it out!

[Sarah retches]

[Dmitri] Yes, Sarah. You're so pretty.

Breathe.

You can do.

Go on, yes.

Yes, Sarah.

[alien crooning]

[Adam] Missed you.

[Bernie] I missed you too, buddy.

I missed you too.

[Adam] Hey, hey.

[alien crooning]

[Adam laughs]

Oh, fuck. [laughs]

[Dmitri] You can do, Sarah.

You can do, Sarah.

Go on, yes.

Whoo, breathe.

[Sarah groans]

[Sarah sighing in relief]

[Sarah] Hey.

Hi. Oh.

-[Dmitri] Beautiful. -[Sarah] Oh.

[Dmitri] Just like her mother.

[Sarah chuckles]

[Bernie] Congratulations. I'm so proud of you.

And you.

You better take good care of them both.

[Dmitri] I promise... Papa.

[Bernie] Seriously, 'cause if you fuck this up,

I'm gonna kill you.

[laughs]

She looks just like my Eager Beaver.

[Sarah] Oh, I love you, Dad.

[Bernie laughing]

[Piotr] My granddaughter.

[Bernie] [chuckles] Excuse me one second.

[Piotr] Family is the most important...

[Bernie] Aghhh!

[denture slides]

[Bernie] Christians!

[cross thuds loudly]

[electric buzzes]

[Bernie] Hmmm.

Oh gosh, what a mess.

You guys,

you are the most important thing in my life.

Nothing should be more important.

Not... experimenting with science.

Boys.

Or work.

-[bell rings] -[cross thudding]

Or this fucking guy.

Look, I'm never gonna give you up.

I'm never gonna let you down.

[Sarah] Are-- are you quoting Rick Astley?

[Bernie] Nope.

[Sarah] Mom, are you okay?

-Mom! -[Bernie shushes]

Just watch.

[clatters]

[clattering, shattering]

[Bernie] Wow.

Nature sure is a beautiful thing.

Excuse me.

[scrubbing]

[Bernie] Hey.

Lovely job, darling.

[kissing passionately]

-[Eva squeals] -[plate shatters]

[Bernie] Oh, fucking hell. Oh, God.

[moaning]

[Eva] Hey, baby.

[Bernie] Aww! Hi, darling.

-♪ Life is full of surprises ♪

-[Bernie] Oh.

-♪ Each day something new ♪

♪ Doing the best we can Is all we know how to do ♪

[Bernie] Hey, come on. Come on.

-♪ You and me and the family ♪

[Bernie] You're part of this crazy house now.

-♪ We may be do things A little bit differently ♪

♪ Let the neighbors talk ♪

♪ It doesn't matter much to me ♪

♪ We'll still be here Another year ♪

♪ Cause I know our love Will see us through ♪

♪ Oh we might not Quite fit the mold ♪

♪ But we always Find the smile ♪

♪ To share And the hand to hold ♪

♪ Making our way One step at a time ♪

♪ Sticking together Right down the line ♪

♪ Shaking it up We're living the life ♪

♪ It's a Krazy House ♪

♪ Krazy House ♪

♪ It's a Krazy House ♪

♪ Our home sweet home ♪

[Krazy House music playing]

[Bernie laughing]

♪ All our dreams intertwining Under one roof ♪

♪ Anything is possible ♪

♪ I guess we're living proof ♪

-♪ You and me ♪ -[all exclaiming]

♪ It's safe to say ♪ -[Bernie] Sorry.

-♪ Our crazy love Will find a way ♪

♪ Making our way One step at a time ♪

♪ Sticking together Right down the line ♪

♪ Shaking it up We're living the life ♪

♪ It's a Krazy House ♪

♪ Making our way One step at a time ♪

♪ Sticking together Right down the line ♪

♪ Shaking it up We're living the life ♪

♪ It's a Krazy House ♪

[Adam farts]

♪ Krazy House ♪

♪ It's a Krazy House ♪

♪ Our home sweet home ♪

[Krazy House music playing]

[Sarah] Yay! [giggles]

[static crackles]

-[squirrel] Jesus.