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♪ Today's the day that I display
my skills as a director
2
00:00:22,149 --> 00:00:24,629
♪ I wrote the script on the wings of
this moth,
3
00:00:24,629 --> 00:00:27,510
♪ I only hope it doesn't fly off... ♪
4
00:00:29,510 --> 00:00:32,951
♪ Imagine if it did fly off... ♪
5
00:00:34,551 --> 00:00:37,472
♪ How awful if it does fly off... ♪
6
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,154
♪ Will you look at that prick?
7
00:00:48,154 --> 00:00:51,795
♪ He wrote his script on the back
of an effing insect
8
00:00:51,795 --> 00:00:54,235
♪ That's what I said,
you heard me right,
9
00:00:54,235 --> 00:00:57,956
♪ On a moth he found on a window
ledge...a window ledge. ♪
10
00:01:01,397 --> 00:01:03,197
All right, Dr Corncob?
11
00:01:05,998 --> 00:01:11,679
Oh, dear,
why do I always lose my scripts?
12
00:01:11,679 --> 00:01:14,520
It's so depressing at my age, 36,
13
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:17,200
I bet Scorsese never has
this trouble.
14
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,601
No, I bet he doesn't.
I wonder if that's because, like,
15
00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:21,441
he doesn't write his scripts
on insects?
16
00:01:21,441 --> 00:01:23,362
You know what I mean, maybe
it's that,
17
00:01:23,362 --> 00:01:25,362
you know, he writes on,
on something more solid
18
00:01:25,362 --> 00:01:28,123
like a van door, or a lathe,
something like that?
19
00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:30,923
I spilt me, spilt me tea.
20
00:01:33,164 --> 00:01:35,124
It doesn't matter though, does it?
21
00:01:35,124 --> 00:01:36,685
You can't say that that matters.
22
00:01:36,685 --> 00:01:38,125
Not really, no.
23
00:01:38,125 --> 00:01:40,125
So, Vic, this script, what was
it for?
24
00:01:40,125 --> 00:01:42,486
Well, Julie asked me to do it, it's a
promotional video,
25
00:01:42,486 --> 00:01:44,086
an advert if you like,
for the bistro.
26
00:01:44,086 --> 00:01:47,487
Oh, right, shush, shush.
Look, there's Erik on the TV, yeah.
27
00:01:47,487 --> 00:01:49,047
And in showbiz news,
28
00:01:49,047 --> 00:01:53,168
Norwegian teen pop sensation
Mags Flahonnoman has arrived in the
29
00:01:53,168 --> 00:01:57,289
country today, causing mass hysteria
amongst people who like him.
30
00:01:57,289 --> 00:02:00,370
His whereabouts are being kept
secret by his manager,
31
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:02,930
Don Draper from Mad Men.
32
00:02:02,930 --> 00:02:06,411
That's not Erik, that's teen pop
sensation Mags Flahonnoman.
33
00:02:06,411 --> 00:02:08,932
I know, but, wow, he doesn't half
look like Erik, doesn't he?
34
00:02:08,932 --> 00:02:11,892
He does, doesn't he?
Are you sure you didn't have twins?
35
00:02:24,535 --> 00:02:27,536
Would you? Yeah, I think I'd like to
return the compliment.
36
00:02:28,896 --> 00:02:31,296
There you are, sir. Erm, excuse me.
37
00:02:33,417 --> 00:02:35,017
Wait a minute.
38
00:02:37,498 --> 00:02:39,778
Yeah, yeah. Hair, yeah.
39
00:02:41,138 --> 00:02:42,779
Yeah? Something different. Come on.
40
00:02:42,779 --> 00:02:44,379
You, you've had a metal plate fitted.
41
00:02:44,379 --> 00:02:47,260
I have, I've had a metal plate
fitted. Yeah.
42
00:02:47,260 --> 00:02:49,940
Yeah, I won a scratchcard
and I thought I'd treat myself.
43
00:02:49,940 --> 00:02:52,661
I've had a steel plate put in.
Are you finished, by the way?
44
00:02:52,661 --> 00:02:53,901
I'm finished, thank you.
45
00:02:56,462 --> 00:02:58,182
Right, well, I better go and tell
Julie
46
00:02:58,182 --> 00:03:01,143
I haven't got the script any more.
You're going nowhere, fellow me lad,
47
00:03:01,143 --> 00:03:03,223
not until you've sorted that
moth out in there.
48
00:03:03,223 --> 00:03:05,064
My panties are drying
in the kitchen, yeah?
49
00:03:05,064 --> 00:03:07,704
And I don't want a moth, like,
gnawing at them and licking them,
50
00:03:07,704 --> 00:03:10,265
and all that and everything,
like that, you know what I mean?
51
00:03:10,265 --> 00:03:12,945
All right, I'll go
and fettle it with me 12-bore.
52
00:03:12,945 --> 00:03:16,346
No, you won't, Vic. I don't want my
panties covered in shots.
53
00:03:19,507 --> 00:03:21,387
Go on, get in there and sort it out.
54
00:03:21,387 --> 00:03:22,427
Oh!
55
00:03:26,588 --> 00:03:28,749
Bad news, Bob. What, what? Bad news.
56
00:03:28,749 --> 00:03:30,309
What, it really is, isn't it? Yeah.
57
00:03:30,309 --> 00:03:32,670
What, it's not me panties, is it?
58
00:03:32,670 --> 00:03:34,110
What, all of them?
59
00:03:34,110 --> 00:03:36,190
Well, there's one pair left,
you know,
60
00:03:36,190 --> 00:03:39,151
your silver ones with "slut"
written on the back of them.
61
00:03:39,151 --> 00:03:40,631
Oh, right, my Friday nighters.
62
00:03:40,631 --> 00:03:43,752
Yeah. And it's grown, Bob, I mean
it's really grown.
63
00:03:43,752 --> 00:03:45,712
Yeah? Have a look.
Let me have a look.
64
00:03:52,874 --> 00:03:56,955
It's horrible...it's horrible,
like...
65
00:03:58,115 --> 00:04:00,596
..like you.
66
00:04:00,596 --> 00:04:04,156
My sentiments exactly. Look,
it's in there and it can't get out.
67
00:04:04,156 --> 00:04:06,797
We'll just leave it in there
until it melts.
68
00:04:06,797 --> 00:04:10,878
Melts? What about my Friday
nighters?
69
00:04:12,718 --> 00:04:16,439
Oh, shit, I was going to
wear them for bums and tums as well.
70
00:04:16,439 --> 00:04:18,559
Well, anyway, I ain't got time to
hang around here.
71
00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:20,960
I have to get downstairs and start
directing this movie.
72
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,240
Look, excuse me, excuse me.
73
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,241
You've lost your script,
haven't you?
74
00:04:24,241 --> 00:04:25,601
Gaaaahhh!
75
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,762
Yeah, that's hurt, hasn't it?
76
00:04:29,762 --> 00:04:32,442
Right, I'll just go and tell her
that you've let her down, then.
77
00:04:32,442 --> 00:04:33,923
Ooh, I haven't let anyone down.
78
00:04:33,923 --> 00:04:36,803
You're not going anywhere until you
sort out this moth.
79
00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:39,444
It's getting angry.
80
00:04:41,444 --> 00:04:43,005
Oh!
81
00:04:43,005 --> 00:04:46,845
I can't wait for Vic any longer,
I have to do it myself.
82
00:04:46,845 --> 00:04:50,566
Right...action.
83
00:04:50,566 --> 00:04:53,607
Hi, I'm Julie.
84
00:04:53,607 --> 00:04:54,887
This is my bistro.
85
00:04:56,207 --> 00:04:57,528
What's my surname?
86
00:04:57,528 --> 00:05:00,168
You don't need to know that, you
won't be able to pronounce it
87
00:05:00,168 --> 00:05:02,089
anyway, it's Czechoslovakian, yeah.
88
00:05:02,089 --> 00:05:06,930
How old am I? I'm 42, I'm 25, she's
71, she could be 18.
89
00:05:08,690 --> 00:05:10,050
Here's someone else.
90
00:05:15,012 --> 00:05:18,732
Hello, everybody, and first of all,
a big congratulations to Julie
91
00:05:18,732 --> 00:05:21,333
for managing to keep the bistro open
throughout
92
00:05:21,333 --> 00:05:25,014
the duration of the series,
while selling absolutely nothing.
93
00:05:26,054 --> 00:05:28,975
So, congratulations to you, Julie,
you twat.
94
00:05:31,015 --> 00:05:34,456
This is my head waiter, Bosh,
he gets a little fuzzy in the head
95
00:05:34,456 --> 00:05:36,856
because of too much Ritalin.
96
00:05:36,856 --> 00:05:40,257
Bosh, why don't you introduce all
these lovely people to the
97
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:42,297
bar area, with a flourish?
98
00:05:42,297 --> 00:05:45,178
OK, follow me to the bar area
and I'll show you around.
99
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,458
After all,
what else are you going to do?
100
00:05:48,619 --> 00:05:50,579
Over here, it's a quite simple bar.
101
00:05:50,579 --> 00:05:52,900
In this section here we have beer,
wine, spirits,
102
00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:54,980
and over here is one of the
oldest...
103
00:06:14,344 --> 00:06:18,745
Oh, I really need a real director,
where's Vic?
104
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:21,986
Quick, Vic, the conch. Summon Beef.
105
00:06:27,027 --> 00:06:29,388
These are our lands,
seize their leader.
106
00:06:29,388 --> 00:06:31,748
Whoa, oh, oh, hang on son,
who are you?
107
00:06:31,748 --> 00:06:33,908
Well, I heard the conch,
I just came and did my line.
108
00:06:33,908 --> 00:06:37,349
Oh, are you doing the Captain Cook
story in the studio next door?
109
00:06:37,349 --> 00:06:39,030
Wrong studio, mate.
110
00:06:39,030 --> 00:06:41,190
Oh, shit, I've been
waiting for hours for that.
111
00:06:41,190 --> 00:06:44,031
I bet I've missed me scene now, I
came all the way down from Grantham.
112
00:06:44,031 --> 00:06:46,511
Turned down a part in Scott
And Bailey as a mischief maker.
113
00:06:46,511 --> 00:06:47,952
Oh. Tits!
114
00:06:49,792 --> 00:06:52,873
Look, look, son, we've got the part
of a copper coming up soon,
115
00:06:52,873 --> 00:06:55,433
later on in the third act.
You don't fancy doing that, do you?
116
00:06:55,433 --> 00:06:58,514
Oh, yeah, I'd love to, yeah.
Yeah. £32?
117
00:06:58,514 --> 00:07:00,034
20 what?
118
00:07:00,034 --> 00:07:01,594
28 quid.
119
00:07:01,594 --> 00:07:03,915
It's going to pay your fare back to
Grantham, isn't it?
120
00:07:03,915 --> 00:07:05,915
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'd love that, yeah.
121
00:07:05,915 --> 00:07:06,996
Oh, good. There you are.
122
00:07:06,996 --> 00:07:10,556
The only thing is, I haven't had
anything to eat yet cos I've been in
the wrong studio.
123
00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:13,557
You don't have a luncheon
voucher, or...?
124
00:07:13,557 --> 00:07:17,398
Well, uh, I tell you what, Morgana
who plays Julie's just stood
125
00:07:17,398 --> 00:07:21,039
out there. Go and have a word with
her and she'll sort you out with a
luncheon voucher,
126
00:07:21,039 --> 00:07:23,959
take you down to wardrobe and get
you all sorted out and kitted out.
127
00:07:23,959 --> 00:07:26,400
Morgana, can you take David down to
wardrobe and sort him
128
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:27,920
out with something to eat?
129
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:30,921
Cheers.
130
00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:33,881
Nice enough chap, wasn't he?
131
00:07:35,682 --> 00:07:37,002
Yeah, come on, Vic, summon Beef.
132
00:07:38,802 --> 00:07:40,723
These are our lands. Seize the...
133
00:07:42,523 --> 00:07:44,244
You did it better that time as well.
134
00:07:46,444 --> 00:07:49,045
No, please, Vic, Vic,
come on, summon Beef.
135
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:55,726
♪ I'm a soldier I am
off to Afghanistan
136
00:07:55,726 --> 00:07:59,527
♪ I just love those Muslim ladies
137
00:07:59,527 --> 00:08:02,968
♪ You'll have to agree
just looking at me
138
00:08:02,968 --> 00:08:13,970
♪ They'll be lining up to
have my bab-ies. ♪
139
00:08:15,010 --> 00:08:17,531
All right, Beef?
140
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:20,771
All right, Beef, I love your shirt.
141
00:08:20,771 --> 00:08:23,092
Yes, yes, it's made from camouflage.
142
00:08:23,092 --> 00:08:25,252
Actual woodland bits and pieces.
143
00:08:25,252 --> 00:08:27,733
I'm surprised you can
actually see me.
144
00:08:27,733 --> 00:08:30,454
Anyway, why did you summon me
with your horn?
145
00:08:30,454 --> 00:08:32,294
What is the nature of your crisis?
146
00:08:32,294 --> 00:08:33,814
Right, well, you see, the thing is,
147
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:36,815
I've got to get down to
Julie's bistro to make a movie.
148
00:08:36,815 --> 00:08:41,096
A movie? Yeah, still pictures that
move to depict real events.
149
00:08:41,096 --> 00:08:44,897
You know, I myself starred
in several sexual horror films.
150
00:08:46,057 --> 00:08:48,978
Yes, there was The Sexorcist.
151
00:08:48,978 --> 00:08:50,978
Nightie Of The Living Dead,
152
00:08:50,978 --> 00:08:54,539
and who could forget
Paranormal Sacktivity.
153
00:08:56,699 --> 00:09:00,060
All financed by the impressionist
Alistair McGowan,
154
00:09:00,060 --> 00:09:02,020
before he went insane.
155
00:09:02,020 --> 00:09:03,981
That's brilliant, very good, Beef.
156
00:09:03,981 --> 00:09:07,141
But the problem is, we've got
a monster moth
157
00:09:07,141 --> 00:09:08,702
trapped in the kitchen and...
158
00:09:08,702 --> 00:09:11,302
You know, we thought with you having
lived in Africa and that,
159
00:09:11,302 --> 00:09:13,303
you might know what to do, you know?
160
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:14,543
There, there, there, there.
161
00:09:14,543 --> 00:09:16,023
That is a very angry moth.
162
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:17,384
What have you been feeding him?
163
00:09:17,384 --> 00:09:18,864
Bob's panties. Yeah, my panties.
164
00:09:18,864 --> 00:09:20,864
Oh, my God, well, we need to
becalm him.
165
00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:22,945
You know what this means, don't you?
What?
166
00:09:22,945 --> 00:09:24,625
We must remove our panties.
167
00:09:24,625 --> 00:09:26,586
Ooh!
168
00:09:29,426 --> 00:09:32,667
Ooh, ooh!
169
00:09:33,787 --> 00:09:35,508
Ooh. Oooh!
170
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,228
Oh, stop it, you two!
171
00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:38,548
Get these panties off!
172
00:09:40,069 --> 00:09:42,589
Bosh, can you stop waving it around?
173
00:09:42,589 --> 00:09:44,990
I mean the camera,
not your Little Dorrit.
174
00:09:46,390 --> 00:09:50,871
Right, Julie, WTF, OMG, it's
time for you to say stuff, Julie.
175
00:09:50,871 --> 00:09:52,391
What? Action!
176
00:09:54,192 --> 00:09:58,072
Hi, I'm Julie,
and this is my bistro.
177
00:10:02,273 --> 00:10:04,674
Julie's Bistro.
178
00:10:08,155 --> 00:10:09,195
Julie...
179
00:10:11,195 --> 00:10:12,796
What's with the tiny hands?
180
00:10:16,756 --> 00:10:18,557
It makes the bistro look bigger.
181
00:10:24,158 --> 00:10:25,478
And these.
182
00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:30,119
Right, you open the door, Beef,
and I'll throw 'em in, OK?
183
00:10:30,119 --> 00:10:31,880
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second.
184
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,480
Let me see those panties.
185
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,041
David? Yeah.
186
00:10:37,041 --> 00:10:38,681
Who the hell's David?
187
00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,441
I mean, your name's Bob, am I right?
188
00:10:40,441 --> 00:10:41,562
Yeah, I'm Bob, yeah.
189
00:10:41,562 --> 00:10:43,802
OK, well, who the hell is David?
190
00:10:43,802 --> 00:10:46,363
Is it David Walliams? No.
191
00:10:46,363 --> 00:10:49,763
It is, it is.
I thought I heard a noise!
192
00:10:49,763 --> 00:10:51,884
It isn't David Walliams!
193
00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:53,884
It is! I've seen you looking at
pictures of him.
194
00:10:53,884 --> 00:10:55,205
It is not David Walliams.
195
00:10:55,205 --> 00:10:57,565
Listen, I can do
an impersonation of David Walliams.
196
00:10:57,565 --> 00:11:00,286
All right. Would you like to see it?
Yeah, I would, yeah.
197
00:11:01,566 --> 00:11:03,286
The computer
says no.
198
00:11:03,286 --> 00:11:04,727
No, it's nothing like it.
199
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:07,207
Yes, it was.
200
00:11:07,207 --> 00:11:09,168
"Co, computer said no."
It's like that.
201
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,008
No, no, no. Who was that?
202
00:11:11,008 --> 00:11:13,769
Well, would you look,
the computer's switched off.
203
00:11:13,769 --> 00:11:15,409
Oh, it's nothing like David! No.
204
00:11:15,409 --> 00:11:18,210
Yes, David Walliams, you know,
"computer said no".
205
00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:20,290
With, like a lisp,
"computer said no".
206
00:11:20,290 --> 00:11:23,571
It's not,
it's like... "the computer says no".
207
00:11:23,571 --> 00:11:25,771
No, that's Terry Wogan!
That's Terry Wogan, innit?
208
00:11:25,771 --> 00:11:27,212
Well, it's the same thing, innit?
209
00:11:27,212 --> 00:11:29,452
That's Terry Wogan.
No, they're not the same person.
210
00:11:29,452 --> 00:11:31,813
No, it's not, it's terrible.
Anyway, who's this David?
211
00:11:31,813 --> 00:11:32,973
All right. It's...
212
00:11:32,973 --> 00:11:34,373
Dickinson?
213
00:11:34,373 --> 00:11:39,054
Yeah. Cheap as cherries. Oh, listen
to me, cheap as cherries.
214
00:11:39,054 --> 00:11:40,734
"It's as cheap as cherries."
215
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:42,815
Oh, it's just Wogan again, innit?
216
00:11:42,815 --> 00:11:45,135
Anyway, let me see your panties.
217
00:11:46,896 --> 00:11:48,056
Oh, you're kidding.
218
00:11:48,056 --> 00:11:51,577
They're nice.
I bet they cost a fortune.
219
00:11:51,577 --> 00:11:54,617
It's a shame that no-one's ever
going to see them though, innit?
220
00:11:54,617 --> 00:11:57,498
Yeah, well, you know,
I'm not bothered because...
221
00:11:57,498 --> 00:11:59,178
I know I'm wearing them.
222
00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:01,219
They make me feel really special
223
00:12:02,859 --> 00:12:06,580
Yeah, but, they are really small,
Vic. There's not going to be much
nourishment in there
224
00:12:06,580 --> 00:12:07,820
for the moth, is there?
225
00:12:07,820 --> 00:12:10,941
No. Fear not.
226
00:12:10,941 --> 00:12:14,302
Yeah? Yes? Get a load of this one.
What?
227
00:12:25,424 --> 00:12:26,904
Well...
228
00:12:26,904 --> 00:12:29,065
no-one's perfect.
229
00:12:31,825 --> 00:12:36,907
Now a lot of celebrities dine at
Julie's Bistro, such as Barry Gibb.
230
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,947
He's always here,
he likes cappuccinos.
231
00:12:40,947 --> 00:12:43,628
This is Taylor Swift,
she's a lovely lady
232
00:12:43,628 --> 00:12:46,349
but she does tend to block
the toilet up every now and again.
233
00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:48,429
Oops, shouldn't say that, should I?
234
00:12:49,509 --> 00:12:52,150
This is Tony Robinson
and the Time Team.
235
00:12:52,150 --> 00:12:54,710
"I wouldn't mind
poking around in your trench",
236
00:12:54,710 --> 00:12:56,991
that's their main joke.
237
00:12:56,991 --> 00:13:00,312
Genesis,
they come together in their van.
238
00:13:00,312 --> 00:13:03,832
It says, "No tools left in the back
of this vehicle overnight",
239
00:13:03,832 --> 00:13:05,633
on the back door.
240
00:13:05,633 --> 00:13:10,074
Nothing else much to say about them
really, but they're nice lads.
241
00:13:10,074 --> 00:13:14,035
And finally, Alistair McGowan,
before he went insane.
242
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:19,076
Yes, you too could dine
at Julie's Bistro with the stars.
243
00:13:22,316 --> 00:13:24,957
How was that, Bosh,
what do you think?
244
00:13:24,957 --> 00:13:26,077
Was it all right?
245
00:13:26,077 --> 00:13:29,838
I don't know, Julie, I wasn't
watching.
246
00:13:29,838 --> 00:13:32,639
Right, let's do this. I'll get the
door, Beef. Quickty.
247
00:13:32,639 --> 00:13:34,679
Sorry, what? Quickty.
248
00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:35,919
Sorry, what, Vic?
249
00:13:35,919 --> 00:13:38,320
Quickty, it's me
new way of saying quickly.
250
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:40,280
Oh, right, it's really good,
isn't it?
251
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,121
Right, I'll get the door...quickty!
252
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:44,001
Hold your horses, who the hell
253
00:13:44,001 --> 00:13:46,722
gave you permission to
use his word willy-nilly?
254
00:13:48,042 --> 00:13:49,482
Oh, well, do you mind, Vic?
255
00:13:49,482 --> 00:13:52,243
Well, I was hoping to just keep
it for meself, you know, to make
256
00:13:52,243 --> 00:13:54,723
meself look cool, you know.
257
00:13:54,723 --> 00:13:57,844
Eg, there goes the Olympic swimmer
Arthur Nugent swimming really
258
00:13:57,844 --> 00:13:58,884
quickty.
259
00:13:58,884 --> 00:14:00,725
Yeah, oh, I understand,
I won't use it, then.
260
00:14:00,725 --> 00:14:02,565
Right, I'm going to do this really
quackly.
261
00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:05,566
That's even better, isn't it?
262
00:14:05,566 --> 00:14:07,446
Good heavens, that thing's colossal.
263
00:14:12,927 --> 00:14:16,248
It's taken them, it's taken it,
it's taken it.
264
00:14:16,248 --> 00:14:17,848
Yeah. Oh, he's...
265
00:14:19,489 --> 00:14:21,289
..he's eaten them quackly, hasn't
he?
266
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:26,850
It seems calm.
267
00:14:26,850 --> 00:14:30,011
Yeah, but how long till he needs
feeding again, Vic?
268
00:14:30,011 --> 00:14:32,171
We need more panties.
269
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,454
Hey, Vic. Yeah, hi, Vic.
270
00:14:44,454 --> 00:14:45,934
Hi.
271
00:14:45,934 --> 00:14:47,055
All right, kids?
272
00:14:51,055 --> 00:14:53,816
Erik, I really think you could be
a little bit more respectful...
273
00:14:53,816 --> 00:14:56,337
Yeah, I, I thought..
274
00:14:56,337 --> 00:14:57,617
Yeah, I've got Beef round...
275
00:14:57,617 --> 00:14:59,777
I know how it appears...
No, I understand, yeah.
276
00:14:59,777 --> 00:15:01,818
You treating me like...
Yeah, yeah, cool.
277
00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:04,218
Yeah, no, but I, I am after
all your father, aren't I?
278
00:15:04,218 --> 00:15:06,699
Ooh, ooh.
All right, all right.
279
00:15:06,699 --> 00:15:08,099
You nailed that one.
280
00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:14,820
We are just taking a bag of Rachel's
knickers down to the launderette.
281
00:15:14,820 --> 00:15:16,501
Why, is it her birthday?
282
00:15:19,942 --> 00:15:21,622
Party, guys.
283
00:15:21,622 --> 00:15:23,902
No, hold on, hold on,
I've got one as well.
284
00:15:23,902 --> 00:15:25,103
I've got one.
285
00:15:25,103 --> 00:15:28,063
Hey, I hope you've got a really
powerful industrial detergent
286
00:15:28,063 --> 00:15:30,704
cos you'll need it for
Rachel's knickers!
287
00:15:32,824 --> 00:15:34,225
That kind of joke?
288
00:15:38,186 --> 00:15:40,906
Hey, Vic, aren't you meant to be
downstairs making
289
00:15:40,906 --> 00:15:42,466
a promotional film for Julie?
290
00:15:42,466 --> 00:15:44,427
Yeah, I'm supposed to be down there
right now.
291
00:15:44,427 --> 00:15:47,187
Will there be a superstar in it like
Brian Ferry?
292
00:15:48,668 --> 00:15:49,828
They have a point,
293
00:15:49,828 --> 00:15:53,789
getting a pop star to endorse
the bistro's not a bad idea.
294
00:15:53,789 --> 00:15:56,549
You could use that
Max Flahonnoman character.
295
00:15:56,549 --> 00:15:59,110
In fact, that prick looks
just like him.
296
00:15:59,110 --> 00:16:00,790
Hold on, that's me son.
297
00:16:00,790 --> 00:16:02,391
Only by birth.
298
00:16:08,232 --> 00:16:12,513
I tell you what,
why don't you two come with me
299
00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,113
and help me make this movie?
300
00:16:14,113 --> 00:16:16,634
Yeah, hey.
301
00:16:16,634 --> 00:16:18,194
Best day of my life, ever.
302
00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:20,355
Whoa, don't be so hasty,
little lady.
303
00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:23,195
I'll take those to the laundromat.
304
00:16:23,195 --> 00:16:24,876
Oh. Thank you, Beef.
305
00:16:24,876 --> 00:16:25,996
Yes.
306
00:16:25,996 --> 00:16:28,116
Good idea.
307
00:16:30,077 --> 00:16:31,757
Ooh, I was right, wasn't I...?
308
00:16:33,397 --> 00:16:34,558
..about the detergent!
309
00:16:36,278 --> 00:16:38,358
God, I hope he likes his food
savoury.
310
00:16:38,358 --> 00:16:40,639
Urgh.
311
00:16:40,639 --> 00:16:42,479
Well, I'm just saying.
312
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:47,200
There we are.
313
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,921
OK, kids, now all you've
got to do is just sit here
314
00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:52,802
and pretend to be Mags Flahonnoman
and his girlfriend, OK?
315
00:16:52,802 --> 00:16:55,762
Yeah, I'm Mags Flahonnoman
and my life is amazing.
316
00:16:55,762 --> 00:16:57,202
Have, have you got a line?
317
00:16:57,202 --> 00:17:00,763
I am the girlfriend of Mags
Flahonnoman, get used to it, bitch.
318
00:17:00,763 --> 00:17:03,164
Good girl.
319
00:17:03,164 --> 00:17:06,845
Julie. Oh, it's really you, fondle,
fondle, sniffy, sniffy.
320
00:17:06,845 --> 00:17:10,645
Yeah, look, look, I'm sorry about the
delay, but it's all been worthwhile
because...
321
00:17:10,645 --> 00:17:12,966
Oh, it's all right.
..because over there, don't look.
322
00:17:12,966 --> 00:17:14,286
Oh, I'm not.
323
00:17:14,286 --> 00:17:17,927
I've managed to get
Mags Flahonnoman in the movie.
324
00:17:21,048 --> 00:17:22,368
That's Erik, isn't it?
325
00:17:22,368 --> 00:17:25,369
Well, that's what I thought,
but look.
326
00:17:25,369 --> 00:17:28,169
It's really him. Yeah. In, in my
bistro?
327
00:17:28,169 --> 00:17:30,890
Yes. In my film? Yes.
328
00:17:30,890 --> 00:17:33,970
And everyone wants to be here to
find him. Yeah.
329
00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:37,851
Oh, my gosh, how can I thank you?
330
00:17:37,851 --> 00:17:40,012
Do you want a quick
go on my thrupneys?
331
00:17:41,092 --> 00:17:43,692
Oh, you're all right, thanks,
Julie, I think I'll leave it.
332
00:17:43,692 --> 00:17:45,973
How about a quick
butter on my Bilbo Baggins?
333
00:17:48,093 --> 00:17:49,494
Not at the moment, thank you.
334
00:17:49,494 --> 00:17:51,014
Not now? No, thank you. OK.
335
00:17:51,014 --> 00:17:53,135
Bosh, let's make a movie.
336
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,577
It seems calm.
337
00:18:02,577 --> 00:18:04,177
Have you got a cold, Beef?
338
00:18:04,177 --> 00:18:06,337
I have, yes.
Oh, that's a shame.
339
00:18:06,337 --> 00:18:07,778
I've spilt me tea again.
340
00:18:08,778 --> 00:18:13,099
Yeah. So, um, those movies you made
in Africa, Beef,
341
00:18:13,099 --> 00:18:14,699
did you make a lot of money
from them?
342
00:18:14,699 --> 00:18:16,300
No, not through the acting,
343
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:19,540
but I was working on a film called
Zulu with Michael Caine.
344
00:18:19,540 --> 00:18:22,181
Now, not a lot of people know this
but Michael Caine has
345
00:18:22,181 --> 00:18:26,862
naturally frizzy hair, so I came up
with a lotion which keeps his
346
00:18:26,862 --> 00:18:31,023
hair flat, at bay, but with a little
kink, much like the man himself!
347
00:18:34,103 --> 00:18:37,664
Yes, within, I don't know, within no
time at all, I patented that lotion
348
00:18:37,664 --> 00:18:41,225
and it became the global phenomena
which it is to this very day.
349
00:18:41,225 --> 00:18:44,626
Hold on a minute, what global
phenomenon? What's it called?
350
00:18:44,626 --> 00:18:47,226
Frizz Ease, named after my mother.
351
00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:50,387
Frizz Ease? You're
the man behind Frizz Ease?
352
00:18:50,387 --> 00:18:53,307
Yes. Oh, well, I've always wanted to
meet you, how do you do?
353
00:18:53,307 --> 00:18:54,468
I'm good, nice to meet you.
354
00:18:54,468 --> 00:18:58,469
Nice to...oh, wow, I've been
using your product for years.
355
00:18:58,469 --> 00:19:00,869
You? Yeah.
356
00:19:00,869 --> 00:19:03,110
But you don't have curly hair.
357
00:19:03,110 --> 00:19:04,590
You have hardly any hair at all,
358
00:19:04,590 --> 00:19:08,271
that's why you wear that
ridiculous cheap toupee.
359
00:19:12,071 --> 00:19:13,552
Oh, my God!
360
00:19:18,553 --> 00:19:22,674
I could be a pop star,
I have written a beautiful song.
361
00:19:22,674 --> 00:19:26,515
I want to hear it. Now, woman.
362
00:19:26,515 --> 00:19:27,555
Quiet.
363
00:19:28,555 --> 00:19:36,557
♪ Walking down the street in Africa
and I see a box on the floor
364
00:19:36,557 --> 00:19:41,598
♪ I pick up the box
and look inside of it
365
00:19:41,598 --> 00:19:42,958
♪ It's a head
366
00:19:44,438 --> 00:19:47,959
♪ A child's head and I scream
367
00:19:47,959 --> 00:19:51,680
♪ I scream but what can
you expect
368
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:55,001
♪ Picking up a box in Africa. ♪
369
00:19:56,841 --> 00:19:58,161
I love it.
370
00:19:59,642 --> 00:20:02,602
Do you want to dine
with the stars?
371
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:06,003
I do, and I bet you do too.
372
00:20:06,003 --> 00:20:10,004
That's why Julie's Bistro is
a celebrity dining experience
373
00:20:10,004 --> 00:20:11,764
destination.
374
00:20:11,764 --> 00:20:17,045
But who's dining in Julie's Bistro
this evening? Let's take a look.
375
00:20:19,046 --> 00:20:22,287
Why, it's teen pop sensation
Mags Flahonnoman.
376
00:20:23,367 --> 00:20:26,447
Excuse me, I've been sent from the
station to inform you that
377
00:20:26,447 --> 00:20:29,328
a television crew,
and a large gaggle of the younger
378
00:20:29,328 --> 00:20:30,608
set are on its way.
379
00:20:30,608 --> 00:20:33,129
Something to do
with a pop person, you, I presume?
380
00:20:33,129 --> 00:20:34,329
Is that all right, Vic?
381
00:20:34,329 --> 00:20:37,090
Yeah, it was good. Yeah,
it was really good. Well done.
382
00:20:37,090 --> 00:20:40,250
Oh, thank you. It saved a wasted
journey. Yeah.
383
00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:43,731
I've never actually seen the show
before. Is it for CBeebies?
384
00:20:45,532 --> 00:20:47,372
No, it's for grown-ups.
385
00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:48,852
You're kidding, honestly?
386
00:20:48,852 --> 00:20:50,053
Yeah.
387
00:20:50,053 --> 00:20:51,493
'King 'ell.
388
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:56,574
We've run out of knickers,
what else does it eat?
389
00:20:56,574 --> 00:20:59,375
Well, they're always pecking
at light bulbs, aren't they?
390
00:20:59,375 --> 00:21:00,895
Grab me that lamp.
391
00:21:00,895 --> 00:21:02,575
Quackly!
392
00:21:02,575 --> 00:21:03,615
Here!
393
00:21:05,696 --> 00:21:06,816
Oh!
394
00:21:09,777 --> 00:21:12,377
Beef, I'm sorry.
Beef, I'm sorry, I didn't...
395
00:21:17,578 --> 00:21:19,299
Oh, you bastard.
396
00:21:25,740 --> 00:21:28,101
Come on! Now, stop this.
397
00:21:28,101 --> 00:21:30,221
I mean, what are we like?
398
00:21:30,221 --> 00:21:33,062
We've got a common enemy there
that we need to address,
399
00:21:33,062 --> 00:21:35,902
and we're here fighting
like a couple of squaddies.
400
00:21:35,902 --> 00:21:37,943
I'm sorry, mate, I'm sorry.
401
00:21:37,943 --> 00:21:38,983
It's all right.
402
00:21:46,905 --> 00:21:51,386
I'm live from Julie's Bistro
in the town centre to exclusively
403
00:21:51,386 --> 00:21:55,667
reveal the whereabouts of pop star
Mags Flahonnoman, and here he is.
404
00:21:55,667 --> 00:21:58,707
Mags, tell us, what are you
doing in this mid-range eatery?
405
00:21:58,707 --> 00:22:02,948
And everyone wants to know who is
the mystery lady friend?
406
00:22:04,509 --> 00:22:06,309
I didn't expect this.
407
00:22:07,789 --> 00:22:09,590
I'm embarrassed.
408
00:22:09,590 --> 00:22:12,150
Hey, you don't know what you're
talking about,
409
00:22:12,150 --> 00:22:14,791
cos you're a non-regular
member of this cast.
410
00:22:15,951 --> 00:22:17,031
What you on about?
411
00:22:17,031 --> 00:22:19,592
That's Erik, that's Bob's son.
412
00:22:19,592 --> 00:22:22,352
So, there we are, Julie,
exactly as I planned.
413
00:22:22,352 --> 00:22:26,033
Your bistro on live
television across the nation.
414
00:22:26,033 --> 00:22:28,674
Oh, Vic, swoon, swoon,
I am so grateful.
415
00:22:30,554 --> 00:22:34,675
Well, it turns out the whereabouts
of the real Mags Flahonnoman
416
00:22:34,675 --> 00:22:36,756
still remains a mystery.
417
00:22:36,756 --> 00:22:39,876
This is a pretty disappointed
Steph McGovern reporting
418
00:22:39,876 --> 00:22:42,877
live from an anonymous
mid-range bistro.
419
00:22:42,877 --> 00:22:47,318
Now time for the sport with
Prakeeshka Numeri Dartarathamendi.
420
00:22:47,318 --> 00:22:48,358
Ooh!
421
00:22:49,798 --> 00:22:51,279
Sheila!
422
00:22:51,279 --> 00:22:52,639
It's Steph.
423
00:22:52,639 --> 00:22:55,720
Same thing. Don't go,
please stay and have a drink.
424
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:58,000
I'm going to get you the news event
of the year,
425
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,561
right here in this bistro.
Really?
426
00:23:00,561 --> 00:23:03,041
Yeah. Go on. Get that down you.
427
00:23:03,041 --> 00:23:05,922
Do you know what,
I've got a hunch about this moron,
428
00:23:05,922 --> 00:23:08,202
I reckon we should
stay around for a bit.
429
00:23:10,523 --> 00:23:11,843
Vic! Bob!
430
00:23:11,843 --> 00:23:13,763
Do you want to go on a massive
adventure? Yes.
431
00:23:13,763 --> 00:23:16,364
Beef, do you want all your dreams to
come true? Yes!
432
00:23:16,364 --> 00:23:19,005
Then fetch your whip, stand back.
433
00:23:21,405 --> 00:23:23,526
Argh!
434
00:23:32,367 --> 00:23:35,848
Look, it's flying towards
the moon to drink from its light.
435
00:23:35,848 --> 00:23:39,929
Shut up. Beef, just sit back
and enjoy the adventure.
436
00:23:43,330 --> 00:23:47,891
♪ We're three hip guys
on our way to the moon
437
00:23:47,891 --> 00:23:51,892
♪ We got no supplies
cos we'll be back soon
438
00:23:51,892 --> 00:24:00,013
♪ Got to thank you, Mr Moth,
this is a dream come true
439
00:24:00,013 --> 00:24:01,134
♪ Flying
440
00:24:01,134 --> 00:24:02,174
♪ Flying
441
00:24:02,174 --> 00:24:03,654
♪ Flying
442
00:24:03,654 --> 00:24:07,815
♪ To the moon. ♪
443
00:24:07,815 --> 00:24:10,456
Giddy up, you wanker!
444
00:24:12,336 --> 00:24:17,097
You're back with me live at Julie's
Bistro where an enormous moth-type
445
00:24:17,097 --> 00:24:20,258
creature has just emerged from
this building,
446
00:24:20,258 --> 00:24:24,059
carrying three local men on its
back, presumably to take them
447
00:24:24,059 --> 00:24:27,219
up to its lair and stick probes up
their arses.
448
00:24:27,219 --> 00:24:31,540
Julie's Bistro is now the centre
of the world's attention.
449
00:24:31,540 --> 00:24:33,701
Oh, this is brilliant, isn't it,
lads?
450
00:24:33,701 --> 00:24:36,901
It's like the snowman, you know,
with Aled Jones.
451
00:24:36,901 --> 00:24:40,342
Or like, on Avatar when they're
riding round on the dragons.
452
00:24:40,342 --> 00:24:42,302
You need to shut up.
453
00:24:42,302 --> 00:24:45,383
Hey, Beef, see that planet over
there? Oh, yeah.
454
00:24:45,383 --> 00:24:47,504
Do you know what it is?
Uranus.
455
00:24:47,504 --> 00:24:49,744
Yeah, but you're not allowed to
call it that any more.
456
00:24:49,744 --> 00:24:50,784
So what do you call it?
457
00:24:50,784 --> 00:24:53,105
Your arse hole!
458
00:24:53,105 --> 00:24:55,905
Oh, what was that, I missed it?
It doesn't matter. I've got one.
459
00:24:55,905 --> 00:24:57,586
Yeah?
What do you call a female moth?
460
00:24:57,586 --> 00:24:59,386
I don't know what do you call
a female moth?
461
00:24:59,386 --> 00:25:01,347
A myth!
462
00:25:01,347 --> 00:25:04,707
What was that? I missed that one as
well. It doesn't matter.
463
00:25:06,508 --> 00:25:11,309
Hey, lads, listen, if Julie opened
her bistro on the moon,
464
00:25:11,309 --> 00:25:13,549
there wouldn't be much atmosphere,
would there?
465
00:25:16,550 --> 00:25:19,470
Right, back to the plan.
466
00:25:19,470 --> 00:25:21,591
Hold on tight, we're going home.
467
00:25:26,192 --> 00:25:30,433
♪ We're two hip guys flying
back from the moon
468
00:25:30,433 --> 00:25:34,234
♪ We got no supplies
cos we'll be back soon
469
00:25:34,234 --> 00:25:42,475
♪ Got to thank you, Mr Moth
That was a dream come true
470
00:25:42,475 --> 00:25:43,636
♪ Flying
471
00:25:43,636 --> 00:25:44,756
♪ Flying
472
00:25:44,756 --> 00:25:45,916
♪ Flying
473
00:25:45,916 --> 00:25:50,357
♪ From the moon. ♪
474
00:25:51,957 --> 00:25:56,238
We're back, live outside Julie's
Bistro where the enormous moth-type
475
00:25:56,238 --> 00:26:00,119
creature is hurtling towards
the town as I speak.
476
00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:02,160
There is panic in the streets.
477
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:07,001
Look, lads, we're nearly home.
478
00:26:07,001 --> 00:26:09,681
Sorry, I didn't hear that Vic,
what was... Shut up!
479
00:26:09,681 --> 00:26:12,762
Look, there's the bistro and there's
loads of people surrounding it,
480
00:26:12,762 --> 00:26:15,042
just as I planned.
481
00:26:15,042 --> 00:26:16,323
Here we go.
482
00:26:19,683 --> 00:26:22,604
It's heading straight
for the scientific research
483
00:26:22,604 --> 00:26:24,244
facility on Government Hill.
484
00:26:24,244 --> 00:26:27,005
We're all going to die a horrible,
horrible death.
485
00:26:28,365 --> 00:26:29,446
Thank you.
486
00:26:29,446 --> 00:26:33,206
The eyes of the nation have centred
on this little bistro.
487
00:26:33,206 --> 00:26:35,887
'It's certainly put this
restaurant on the map.'
488
00:26:35,887 --> 00:26:39,248
This is Stephanie McGovern
reporting from Julie's Bistro.
489
00:26:39,248 --> 00:26:42,528
Time now to go back to the studio
with Anita Bush.
490
00:26:48,050 --> 00:26:49,770
Julie...
491
00:26:49,770 --> 00:26:53,771
I think this may be the most famous
bistro in the whole of the world.
492
00:26:53,771 --> 00:26:57,972
Oh, but isn't it just huge
amounts of fun though, is it?
493
00:26:57,972 --> 00:27:00,572
Hmm? Oh, look, there come our
heroes...and Bob.
494
00:27:13,775 --> 00:27:16,256
♪ Didn't we have a lovely day?
495
00:27:16,256 --> 00:27:18,496
♪ The day we rode an insect
496
00:27:18,496 --> 00:27:19,816
♪ But what happens next?
497
00:27:19,816 --> 00:27:21,257
♪ We all hold hands
498
00:27:21,257 --> 00:27:24,897
♪ And listen to
Mags Flahonnoman... ♪
499
00:27:28,658 --> 00:27:36,660
♪ Walking down the street in Africa
watching all the people going by
500
00:27:37,860 --> 00:27:44,102
♪ Suddenly I look down at the floor
and I see a box... ♪
501
00:27:44,102 --> 00:27:45,302
A box!
502
00:27:45,302 --> 00:27:49,423
♪ And being the curious
girl that I am
503
00:27:49,423 --> 00:27:53,944
♪ I pick up the box
and look inside of it
504
00:27:53,944 --> 00:27:55,104
♪ It's a head... ♪
505
00:27:55,104 --> 00:27:56,544
A head!
506
00:27:56,544 --> 00:27:57,785
♪ A child's head... ♪
507
00:27:57,785 --> 00:27:59,385
A child's head!
508
00:28:01,185 --> 00:28:05,586
♪ And I scream, I scream
but what can you expect
509
00:28:05,586 --> 00:28:08,987
♪ Picking up a box in Africa?
510
00:28:08,987 --> 00:28:12,108
♪ Africa. ♪
511
00:28:17,309 --> 00:28:21,470
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
39864
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