Original subtitles

Welcome to The Daily Show.

I'm Desi Lydic.

We've got a great show for you tonight.

Kamala Harris drops her medical records.

Donald Trump throws a one-man dance party,

and Lewis Black tells undecided voters where

they can shove their ballots.

So let's get right into it with another installment

of Indecision 2024.

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

With the election just three weeks from today,

the latest polls are as close as they

can possibly be without touching, which makes

it just that much hotter.

And the candidates are doing everything

they can to gain an advantage.

Kamala Harris just taunted Donald Trump

by releasing her medical records,

and then Trump tried to turn those records against her.

REPORTER: According to her doctor's report,

she suffers from urticaria, defined as a rash of round,

red welts on the skin that itch intensely,

sometimes with dangerous swelling.

She also has allergic rhinitis and

allergic conjunctivitis, a very messy and dangerous situation.

These are deeply serious conditions that clearly

impact her functioning.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh my god!

She has allergic rhinitis and conjunctivitis?

The medical term for hay fever?

[LAUGHTER]

Is there a priest on call?

She doesn't have long.

[LAUGHTER]

That is how healthy Kamala Harris is.

Donald Trump is reduced to calling her allergies a very

messy and dangerous situation.

Although, in fairness to Trump, in this case,

a woman snee-- it's a woman sneezing,

so that makes it more disgusting.

A sneeze is the period of the face.

[LAUGHTER]

Now we--

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Now, we all know Donald Trump suffers

from epidermal fragility, but we

don't know anything more because he's never

released his medical records.

Perhaps one of his minions could explain

why that's not a problem?

I saw that Kamala Harris issued her medical records.

Congratulations.

Donald Trump's health is on display for the entire country

every hour of every day.

He has more stamina and mental acumen and strength

than any political figure in-- probably

in the history of the country that I can remember.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm sorry, Donald Trump has more

strength and stamina than any politician in history?

I'd put a hundred bucks on Jimmy Carter taking Trump

in a push-up contest today.

Today.

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

I don't know, maybe no-rizz Harry Potter over here

has a point.

Trump doesn't need to release his medical records

because his health is on full display every day.

So let's see him whip out that mental acumen

and wag it all around this weekend.

Also, we have many Azurasians in our room.

We have some incredible people in our room.

Azurasians?

I can't believe Trump is inventing new races.

He doesn't even like the old ones.

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

Man, this is just what we needed,

another chance for Ronny Chieng to be in a movie.

[LAUGHTER]

Guy's in everything.

Everything.

But, obviously, I don't want to hinge Trump's mental health

on one word at a rally.

He also did a town hall last night.

One of the most notable and, honestly, strange stretches

of the campaign we have seen, a Trump town hall that

essentially just stopped in the middle,

with him playing music and dancing on stage.

He had only taken about four questions in what was supposed

to be a town hall, and instead it was just him on stage,

requesting various songs to be played

and dancing for over half an hour.

(SINGING) I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant

I went to the doctor and guess what he--

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[ANDREA BOCELLI, "TIME TO SAY GOODBYE"]

[LAUGHTER]

I literally have no idea what just happened.

I don't know if he's on edibles or if I'm on edibles.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm just kidding.

I know I'm on edibles.

[LAUGHTER]

But let me just take a few minutes

to walk you through this town hall, because, trust me,

it's worth it.

Trump was doing a town hall with puppy shooter Kristi Noem,

and all was well.

He took four questions, and then a couple of people

passed out from the heat.

And Trump stopped the Q&A to make sure everyone

was OK, which was great, although he was

still very Trumpy about it.

- They're both OK. - Yes.

They're both-- they're both in good shape.

And that's wonderful.

Would anybody else like to faint?

[LAUGHTER]

Anyone else want to pull focus

with their medical emergency?

Get it out of the way.

Calm down, Donald.

No one was trying to faint.

Trust me, no one wants to have a medical episode

in front of Kristi Noem.

[LAUGHTER]

She's just looking for an excuse

to take you to the gravel pit.

She cocked her shotgun when she heard Kamala had allergies.

[LAUGHTER]

But while the staff was attending to the situation,

Trump decided to play some music to keep up morale.

And this guy, this guy really knows what the people want.

So we had a beautiful evening.

And I don't know if they could get this song up quickly,

but if they could play "Ave Maria," if you can get it,

Justin, let's go, if you can.

["AVE MARIA" PLAYING]

It's so beautiful, though, right?

Listen to that.

We have nice music.

We're together. Not bad.

Yes.

Not bad.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Thank you, everybody, very much.

Wow.

Are "Ave Maria," huh?

Are you sure you don't want to get

the crowd hyped with some Gregorian chants instead?

All right, warming up the crowd, easing them into it.

Then you hit him with the banger--

a different version of the same song.

If my guys can hear me, let's listen

to Pavarotti sing "Ave Maria."

Can you hear that?

They gave me the "Ave Maria" with no voice.

Put on Pavarotti singing "Ave Maria."

Nice and loud.

Turn it up louder.

We want a little action here.

Turn it up louder.

[PAVAROTTI, "AVE MARIA"]

(SINGING) Ave Maria--

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Trump is just lapping it up.

Why does Trump know so much about "Ave Maria"?

Was it used in a McDonald's commercial?

Man, he really loves that song.

Who's going to tell him it's about a virgin?

[LAUGHTER]

And look at poor Kristi Noem.

I gotta say--

I gotta say, this is the most I've ever related to her.

Because we have all been in a situation

where a guy mansplains his Spotify playlist to you.

[LAUGHTER]

So that was the Pavarotti version.

Now let me play you a live version Phish did at Red Rocks.

[LAUGHTER]

Then poor Kristi tries to get things back on track

so she can ask more questions, but Trump

was just in full DJ mode.

Let's not do any more questions.

Let's just listen to music.

Let's make it into a music.

Who the hell wants to hear questions, right?

[LAUGHTER]

I love how everyone's always criticizing

Kamala for not being specific with her policies.

Meanwhile, Trump's like, shh, shh,

shh, no questions, no talking.

We're just going to vibe for a while.

Just going to let my body do the talking.

[LAUGHTER]

And if you're wondering, after 40 minutes of this,

did they ever actually get back to answering questions?

Almost.

So if this has been an honor tonight.

We could do another question or two if you'd like,

but probably--

[CHEERING]

Do you want to do one?

Do you want to do it?

Let's go.

Let's go.

You know, it's-- but it ends so beautifully.

How about this?

We'll play "YMCA," and you'll go home.

(SINGING) Young man, there's no need to feel down

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

Probably a good idea to shut down questions,

since I'm pretty sure the next one would have been,

uh, hi, sir, what the [BLEEP] is going on?

For more on the state of this race,

let's turn to The Daily Show Election Center

with Michael Kosta.

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Michael, how can Trump be acting this unhinged

and not be dropping in all the polls?

It's simple, Desi.

It's what we in the polling business

call the scary-to-funny ratio.

You see, everyone can tell that Trump is clearly losing

his mind, which can be scary.

But as long as it's more funny than scary, then it's fine.

For example, last week, Trump lied about FEMA's hurricane

response, and now armed men are trying to murder FEMA workers.

Terrifying.

But he also jerkoff-danced to "Ave Maria"

for 40 minutes, which is pretty funny, so it

balances out all the murder.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

No, that-- that shouldn't balance out.

He also threatened to shut down the entire news outlets

if he gets elected.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's so scary, right?

He wants to ban networks like ABC,

but then he called that reporter George Slapadapoulos,

which is hilarious.

So maybe we should ban ABC.

See?

The ratio works.

How could voters think like that?

Something can be funny and scary at the same time.

Well, actually, no.

Voters can only handle one feeling at a time.

We're-- we're simple creatures.

It's like when I saw baboons at the zoo this weekend.

Man, they're scary.

But then you see that their butts are red,

and that is so funny.

[LAUGHS]

[APPLAUSE]

So Trump just gets away with all this?

Oh-- oh, no, no.

It works for Biden, too.

Remember for a while, it seemed like he

was cognitively impaired, which is super scary for a

president, right?

But then he fell off a bike, and not even a moving bike.

A parked bike.

And that is undeniably hilarious.

So we let him keep the nuclear codes.

Maybe he'll nuke that bike, right?

It's just fun.

But then at the debate, Biden stopped being funny,

and that threw off the ratio.

And that's when it got scary.

OK, OK.

So what if Kamala Harris told a few jokes?

Oh, no.

The ratio doesn't work for women.

The voters--

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Voters won't accept that.

Yuck.

OK.

But last week, Trump threatened to use

the military against Americans, calling them the enemy within.

I mean, surely that's only scary.

Yes, 100%.

And our model here showed that that

made him lose the swing states and then lose the election.

But then he said the word "Azurasians."

So the model now shows Trump winning the election

by 900 electoral votes.

No.

No, that model is crazy, Kosta.

It is crazy, but in a funny way.

I mean, look, I put Greenland in it.

That's so funny.

[LAUGHTER]

I mean, yeah, that is kind of funny.

Right?

It's like, how did it get there?

Anyway, I gotta go to the hospital

and get my mpox vaccine.

I got a-- I got bitten by a baboon at the zoo, so--

Oh my god, Michael, that's so scary.

It is scary, until I saw my big red butt.

[LAUGHTER]

You're right. That's hilarious.

Michael Kosta, everyone.