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Welcome to The Daily Show.
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I'm Desi Lydic.
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We've got a great
show for you tonight.
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Kamala Harris drops
her medical records.
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Donald Trump throws a
one-man dance party,
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and Lewis Black tells
undecided voters where
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they can shove their ballots.
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So let's get right into it
with another installment
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of Indecision 2024.
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[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
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With the election just
three weeks from today,
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the latest polls
are as close as they
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can possibly be without
touching, which makes
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it just that much hotter.
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And the candidates
are doing everything
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they can to gain an advantage.
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Kamala Harris just
taunted Donald Trump
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by releasing her
medical records,
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and then Trump tried to turn
those records against her.
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REPORTER: According to
her doctor's report,
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she suffers from urticaria,
defined as a rash of round,
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red welts on the skin
that itch intensely,
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sometimes with
dangerous swelling.
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She also has
allergic rhinitis and
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allergic conjunctivitis, a very
messy and dangerous situation.
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These are deeply serious
conditions that clearly
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impact her functioning.
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[LAUGHTER]
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Oh my god!
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She has allergic rhinitis
and conjunctivitis?
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The medical term for hay fever?
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[LAUGHTER]
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Is there a priest on call?
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She doesn't have long.
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[LAUGHTER]
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That is how healthy
Kamala Harris is.
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Donald Trump is reduced to
calling her allergies a very
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messy and dangerous situation.
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Although, in fairness
to Trump, in this case,
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a woman snee-- it's
a woman sneezing,
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so that makes it
more disgusting.
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A sneeze is the
period of the face.
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[LAUGHTER]
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Now we--
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[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
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Now, we all know
Donald Trump suffers
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from epidermal
fragility, but we
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don't know anything
more because he's never
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released his medical records.
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Perhaps one of his
minions could explain
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why that's not a problem?
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I saw that Kamala Harris
issued her medical records.
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Congratulations.
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Donald Trump's health is on
display for the entire country
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every hour of every day.
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He has more stamina and
mental acumen and strength
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than any political
figure in-- probably
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in the history of the
country that I can remember.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I'm sorry, Donald
Trump has more
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strength and stamina than
any politician in history?
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I'd put a hundred bucks on
Jimmy Carter taking Trump
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in a push-up contest today.
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Today.
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[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
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I don't know, maybe no-rizz
Harry Potter over here
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has a point.
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Trump doesn't need to
release his medical records
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because his health is on
full display every day.
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So let's see him whip
out that mental acumen
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and wag it all
around this weekend.
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Also, we have many
Azurasians in our room.
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We have some incredible
people in our room.
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Azurasians?
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I can't believe Trump
is inventing new races.
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He doesn't even
like the old ones.
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[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
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Man, this is just
what we needed,
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another chance for Ronny
Chieng to be in a movie.
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[LAUGHTER]
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Guy's in everything.
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Everything.
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But, obviously, I don't want
to hinge Trump's mental health
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on one word at a rally.
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He also did a town
hall last night.
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One of the most notable and,
honestly, strange stretches
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of the campaign we have
seen, a Trump town hall that
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essentially just
stopped in the middle,
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with him playing music
and dancing on stage.
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He had only taken about four
questions in what was supposed
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to be a town hall, and instead
it was just him on stage,
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requesting various
songs to be played
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and dancing for
over half an hour.
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(SINGING) I can eat my
dinner in a fancy restaurant
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I went to the doctor
and guess what he--
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[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
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[ANDREA BOCELLI, "TIME TO SAY
GOODBYE"]
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[LAUGHTER]
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I literally have no
idea what just happened.
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I don't know if he's on
edibles or if I'm on edibles.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I'm just kidding.
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I know I'm on edibles.
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[LAUGHTER]
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But let me just
take a few minutes
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to walk you through this
town hall, because, trust me,
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it's worth it.
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Trump was doing a town hall
with puppy shooter Kristi Noem,
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and all was well.
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He took four questions,
and then a couple of people
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passed out from the heat.
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And Trump stopped the
Q&A to make sure everyone
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was OK, which was
great, although he was
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still very Trumpy about it.
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- They're both OK.
- Yes.
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They're both-- they're
both in good shape.
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And that's wonderful.
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Would anybody
else like to faint?
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[LAUGHTER]
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Anyone else
want to pull focus
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with their medical emergency?
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Get it out of the way.
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Calm down, Donald.
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No one was trying to faint.
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Trust me, no one wants
to have a medical episode
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in front of Kristi Noem.
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[LAUGHTER]
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She's just looking
for an excuse
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to take you to the gravel pit.
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She cocked her shotgun when
she heard Kamala had allergies.
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[LAUGHTER]
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But while the staff was
attending to the situation,
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Trump decided to play some
music to keep up morale.
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And this guy, this guy really
knows what the people want.
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So we had a
beautiful evening.
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And I don't know if they could
get this song up quickly,
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but if they could play "Ave
Maria," if you can get it,
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Justin, let's go, if you can.
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["AVE MARIA" PLAYING]
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It's so beautiful,
though, right?
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Listen to that.
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We have nice music.
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We're together.
Not bad.
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Yes.
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Not bad.
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Thank you, Mr. President.
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Thank you,
everybody, very much.
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Wow.
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Are "Ave Maria," huh?
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Are you sure you
don't want to get
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the crowd hyped with some
Gregorian chants instead?
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All right, warming up the
crowd, easing them into it.
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Then you hit him
with the banger--
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a different version
of the same song.
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If my guys can
hear me, let's listen
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to Pavarotti sing "Ave Maria."
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Can you hear that?
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They gave me the "Ave
Maria" with no voice.
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Put on Pavarotti
singing "Ave Maria."
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Nice and loud.
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Turn it up louder.
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We want a little action here.
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Turn it up louder.
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[PAVAROTTI, "AVE MARIA"]
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(SINGING) Ave Maria--
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[LAUGHTER]
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[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
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Trump is just lapping it up.
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Why does Trump know so
much about "Ave Maria"?
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Was it used in a
McDonald's commercial?
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Man, he really loves that song.
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Who's going to tell him
it's about a virgin?
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[LAUGHTER]
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And look at poor Kristi Noem.
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I gotta say--
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I gotta say, this is the most
I've ever related to her.
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Because we have all
been in a situation
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where a guy mansplains his
Spotify playlist to you.
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[LAUGHTER]
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So that was the
Pavarotti version.
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Now let me play you a live
version Phish did at Red Rocks.
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[LAUGHTER]
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Then poor Kristi tries to
get things back on track
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so she can ask more
questions, but Trump
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was just in full DJ mode.
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Let's not do any
more questions.
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Let's just listen to music.
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Let's make it into a music.
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Who the hell wants to
hear questions, right?
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[LAUGHTER]
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I love how everyone's
always criticizing
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Kamala for not being
specific with her policies.
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Meanwhile, Trump's
like, shh, shh,
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shh, no questions, no talking.
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We're just going to
vibe for a while.
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Just going to let my
body do the talking.
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[LAUGHTER]
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And if you're wondering,
after 40 minutes of this,
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did they ever actually get
back to answering questions?
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Almost.
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So if this has been
an honor tonight.
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We could do another question
or two if you'd like,
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but probably--
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[CHEERING]
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Do you want to do one?
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Do you want to do it?
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Let's go.
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Let's go.
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You know, it's-- but
it ends so beautifully.
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How about this?
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We'll play "YMCA,"
and you'll go home.
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(SINGING) Young man,
there's no need to feel down
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00:09:05,745 --> 00:09:07,585
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
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Probably a good idea
to shut down questions,
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00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,455
since I'm pretty sure the
next one would have been,
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00:09:14,453 --> 00:09:18,293
uh, hi, sir, what the
[BLEEP] is going on?
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00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:19,931
For more on the
state of this race,
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let's turn to The Daily
Show Election Center
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00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:23,091
with Michael Kosta.
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00:09:23,095 --> 00:09:24,995
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
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00:09:31,771 --> 00:09:35,871
Michael, how can Trump
be acting this unhinged
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00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:38,045
and not be dropping
in all the polls?
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00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:39,074
It's simple, Desi.
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00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:40,848
It's what we in the
polling business
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00:09:40,846 --> 00:09:44,316
call the scary-to-funny ratio.
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00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:47,487
You see, everyone can tell
that Trump is clearly losing
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00:09:47,486 --> 00:09:49,956
his mind, which can be scary.
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00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:56,066
But as long as it's more funny
than scary, then it's fine.
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00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:59,162
For example, last week, Trump
lied about FEMA's hurricane
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00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:02,935
response, and now armed men are
trying to murder FEMA workers.
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00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:04,105
Terrifying.
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00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:07,643
But he also jerkoff-danced
to "Ave Maria"
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00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:11,540
for 40 minutes, which
is pretty funny, so it
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00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,214
balances out all the murder.
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00:10:13,212 --> 00:10:14,482
[LAUGHTER]
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00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:17,421
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
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No, that-- that
shouldn't balance out.
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00:10:24,056 --> 00:10:27,296
He also threatened to shut
down the entire news outlets
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00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:28,363
if he gets elected.
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00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:29,361
Yeah, yeah.
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00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:31,502
And that's so scary, right?
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00:10:31,497 --> 00:10:34,497
He wants to ban
networks like ABC,
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00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:38,370
but then he called that
reporter George Slapadapoulos,
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00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:39,841
which is hilarious.
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00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:41,879
So maybe we should ban ABC.
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00:10:41,874 --> 00:10:42,874
See?
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00:10:42,875 --> 00:10:45,875
The ratio works.
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00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:47,678
How could voters
think like that?
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00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:50,820
Something can be funny and
scary at the same time.
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00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:52,416
Well, actually, no.
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00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:55,388
Voters can only handle
one feeling at a time.
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00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,328
We're-- we're simple creatures.
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00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:00,463
It's like when I saw baboons
at the zoo this weekend.
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00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,129
Man, they're scary.
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00:11:02,128 --> 00:11:04,028
But then you see that
their butts are red,
256
00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:05,430
and that is so funny.
257
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:07,231
[LAUGHS]
258
00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:11,904
[APPLAUSE]
259
00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:14,975
So Trump just gets
away with all this?
260
00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:16,004
Oh-- oh, no, no.
261
00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:17,348
It works for Biden, too.
262
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:19,583
Remember for a while,
it seemed like he
263
00:11:19,578 --> 00:11:21,678
was cognitively impaired, which
is super scary for a
264
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,111
president, right?
265
00:11:23,115 --> 00:11:28,085
But then he fell off a bike,
and not even a moving bike.
266
00:11:28,087 --> 00:11:29,857
A parked bike.
267
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:32,495
And that is
undeniably hilarious.
268
00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:34,631
So we let him keep
the nuclear codes.
269
00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:36,397
Maybe he'll nuke
that bike, right?
270
00:11:36,395 --> 00:11:37,795
It's just fun.
271
00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:41,567
But then at the debate,
Biden stopped being funny,
272
00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:43,737
and that threw off the ratio.
273
00:11:43,736 --> 00:11:47,106
And that's when it got scary.
274
00:11:47,106 --> 00:11:48,136
OK, OK.
275
00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:50,180
So what if Kamala
Harris told a few jokes?
276
00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:51,406
Oh, no.
277
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:52,810
The ratio doesn't
work for women.
278
00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:53,812
The voters--
279
00:11:53,813 --> 00:11:54,813
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
280
00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:56,384
Voters won't accept that.
281
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,222
Yuck.
282
00:11:58,217 --> 00:11:59,187
OK.
283
00:11:59,185 --> 00:12:01,125
But last week, Trump
threatened to use
284
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,620
the military against Americans,
calling them the enemy within.
285
00:12:04,623 --> 00:12:06,923
I mean, surely
that's only scary.
286
00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:08,296
Yes, 100%.
287
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:10,494
And our model here
showed that that
288
00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:13,996
made him lose the swing states
and then lose the election.
289
00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:17,169
But then he said the
word "Azurasians."
290
00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:21,009
So the model now shows
Trump winning the election
291
00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:24,006
by 900 electoral votes.
292
00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:25,009
No.
293
00:12:25,010 --> 00:12:27,210
No, that model is crazy, Kosta.
294
00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:29,583
It is crazy, but
in a funny way.
295
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,222
I mean, look, I put
Greenland in it.
296
00:12:32,218 --> 00:12:33,958
That's so funny.
297
00:12:33,953 --> 00:12:35,523
[LAUGHTER]
298
00:12:35,521 --> 00:12:37,221
I mean, yeah, that
is kind of funny.
299
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:38,223
Right?
300
00:12:38,224 --> 00:12:41,164
It's like, how
did it get there?
301
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,600
Anyway, I gotta
go to the hospital
302
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,135
and get my mpox vaccine.
303
00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:47,430
I got a-- I got bitten by
a baboon at the zoo, so--
304
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:49,903
Oh my god, Michael,
that's so scary.
305
00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:52,602
It is scary, until
I saw my big red butt.
306
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,245
[LAUGHTER]
307
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,110
You're right.
That's hilarious.
308
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:57,208
Michael Kosta, everyone.
20935
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