Original subtitles

Commander, it's Agent Beamish.

Verify.

It's him, sir.

Activate the door.

What's up, sir?

The fate of the world,

the president's blood pressure and you!

Sit down, sit down!

I have the president on security channel three, sir.

As most of you know,

our foremost atmospheric physicist Dr. Marcus Hottentot

achieved a remarkable breakthrough last week

when he discovered the Hottentot formula,

the key to global climate control.

This past week, he disappeared.

Today I learned the Hottentot formula is in the hands

of a terrorist organization called KAOS.

They have used our formula to create their own

weather machine, which is capable...

The president should be wearing an overcoat.

He's gonna freeze to death.

He should be in his office.

Just minutes ago, I was contacted by KAOS.

- He is in his office. - Demanding we pay them

$250 billion in small bills within seven days.

This added to our deficit problem

makes the situation intolerable.

KAOS must be destroyed before they destroy us.

I put the fate of our nation in your capable hands.

What do we think?

I think this is just another snow job

from the White House.

Hottentot was a recluse, lived in his laboratory.

How did KAOS know about him, contact him?

I strongly suspect we have a double agent in our midst.

Wait a minute,

you mean it could be someone in our own organization?

Unfortunately, yes, and this presents a major problem.

Who do I trust to head this operation?

If you're right,

I suggest we find somebody outside the company.

I have just the fella.

Now what was his name?

He worked for us years ago at Control.

That was an agency we created back in the '60s

to deal exclusively with the evil organization KAOS.

I can see him, beady eyes, weird voice.

Maxwell Smart.

Well, let's see if he's still active.

Run a check, Williams.

Maxwell Smart, currently serving as a protocol officer

for the State Department, substituting for senior officials

who want to avoid functions such as ship christenings,

weddings, funerals, circumcision.

Good, he's still with us.

How can we reach Smart now?

He has a shoe phone, sir.

A shoe phone?

In those days, shoe phones were standard issue

for all Control agents, let's call him.

Merriweather, Control was phased out almost 20 years ago.

It's inconceivable to me that anybody in his right mind

would still be wearing his phone.

Oh, well, give it a try.

Get Smart.

- What? - What?

Gentlemen, I'm afraid you're going to have to carry on

without me.

Sorry about that.

This is Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 speaking.

This is Commander Drury,

head of the United States Intelligence Agency.

This is the single most important telephone call

you will ever receive.

The fate of the world depends upon you.

Could you hold that thought for a second, sir?

Someone's coming.

He put the world on hold.

Sorry, Commander, you were saying?

This is the single most important telephone call

you will ever receive.

The fate of the civilized world depends upon you.

What about our side, sir?

Smart, I want, what was that noise?

Could my phone be bugged?

Could be my phone, I have shoe waiting.

I'll get back to ya.

- Hello, 99. - Max!

I have some very exciting news for you,

but I'm gonna have to call ya back,

because I'm on my other shoe.

Commander, go ahead.

Smart, I think it would be immeasurably easier

if I tell you in person.

Could you speak a little louder, sir?

They're throwing dirt in my grave.

They're throwing dirt in your?

You handle this.

Smart, Lambert here.

The commander wants you to report to,

hello?

He's not answering.

His phone's out of order, sir.

Well, try his other shoe.

I can't believe I said that.

It's unlisted, Commander.

He's bound to contact us, sir.

He doesn't know where we are.

In all probability,

he'll report to the old Control secret headquarters.

Good, where's that?

I don't know, it was a well kept secret.

Yes.

I think I like it.

I like it, too.

But I'm not sure about America's most glamorous spy.

Oh, well, of course it's hard for you to be objective.

I'm convinced that we've got a bestseller in the making,

if we can get...

Me to finish the book.

I seem to have three problems with writing:

how to start a sentence, how to continue it,

and how to finish it.

Oh, nonsense, everyone thinks you're doing

a marvelous job.

Everyone?

I thought my manuscript was being kept top secret.

It is, no one's read it except Nick,

my assistants Allison and Claudia, Chuck, and myself.

Well, please don't let anyone else see it.

Some of this material may still be classified,

and until we get it cleared, I'm a little apprehensive.

Oh, well, of course,

of course.

Oh, afraid I'm gonna have to run along.

I've got a lunch date.

We'll see you soon,

with the new pages, I hope.

Lisa.

- Mr. Smart is here. - Oh, by all means,

send him in.

Your husband's here.

Max here?

I wonder why.

99, I've got some very exciting news for you.

I got a call on my shoe phone.

I may be reactivated, and I want you to give me your,

oh, hello.

Max, this is Lisa Spencer my editor.

Oh, how do you do?

Nice to meet you.

Oh, Mr. Smart, this is a great honor.

I've been reading all about you.

You are quite a remarkable man.

Yes.

And congratulations on being reactivated.

Ah, well, that's not official, my being reactivated.

Look, you two wanna talk, I've got an early lunch.

Why not use my office?

You're sure it'll be all right?

Oh, of course.

Your wife's book's gonna be a best seller, don't you think?

Well, I certainly hope so.

I'm looking forward to reading it.

You haven't read it yet?

We agreed there could be a conflict.

I'm planning on writing my memoirs.

Make sure you bring them to us.

Who called you on your shoe, Max?

Commander Drury,

head of the United States Intelligence Agency.

What did he say?

That the fate of the world was in my hands.

You know, the usual.

Anyway, I'm supposed to report immediately.

Where?

Well, I can't tell you that.

Is it a secret?

I have no secrets from you, 99,

it's just that my shoe phone was demolished

before I could complete the call,

and I didn't know where to go,

and then when I went over to Control headquarters,

I found it was abandoned.

Oh, maybe it's just as well, Max.

You've been out of the spy business for a long time,

and being an agent is very taxing.

Are you sure you can handle it?

Handle it, handle it?

Are you kidding me, 99?

I'm in the best shape of my life, look at me,

physically and mentally I'm at my peak.

I have the eyes of an eagle.

I have the reflexes of a leopard.

I have

the beginning of a very bad hernia.

Max, why don't we try the yellow pages?

The yellow pages?

Sure, they list government agencies.

Don't be ridiculous, 99.

The United States Intelligence Agency

may be a part of the government,

but it's a clandestine organization.

It deserves total security.

It's top secret.

It's undercover.

It's 555-3931.

It's Smart, sir.

Bring him in.

Commander Drury, Maxwell Smart reporting for duty.

Yeah, well, Smart, I want an honest evaluation.

Are you in good enough physical condition

to return to active duty as a counterintelligence agent?

You appear to be in pretty good shape.

Do you work out?

Commander, I jog 100 miles every day.

Would you believe it, 100 miles?

I find that hard to believe.

Would you believe 50?

No.

How 'bout two push-ups and deep breath?

Sit down, sit down, Smart.

This is Major Waterhouse.

Major.

Sorry about that.

Now, Smart, I want your personal guarantee

that you are physically capable of handling this assignment.

Sir, my vision is 20/20.

My pulse is 90 beats per minute.

My blood pressure is 120 over 70,

and I have the same waistline I had

when I was three years old.

Yeah, I was a fat kid.

How 'bout a refill?

No.

Now, Smart, what I'm about to tell you is top secret.

Well, if it's top secret, sir,

then we should use the cone of silence.

The what?

The cone of silence,

it's an obsolete anti-bugging device.

Well, it's not really obsolete, sir.

As a matter of fact, I bought one

at the Control garage sale, it's hanging over my bed.

Over your bed?

I talk in my sleep.

No cone of silence, this office is secure.

Well, sir, the manual clearly states,

Major, I'm going to cross my legs.

Thank you.

The manual clearly states

that if you're having a top-secret conference,

you should be using an anti-bugging device.

Where's our manual?

It's on the shelf.

I'll get it.

Here's the manual.

Unfortunately, someone spilled coffee on it.

Major, can I borrow your handkerchief?

Use your own handkerchief.

Well, mine is filled with tea from my last meeting.

We don't need the manual.

Unfortunately, Smart is right.

In the case of an E-1 emergency, and this certainly is one,

we have to use hover cover.

Hover cover!

Of course, hover cover, it's vital we use hover cover.

Gentlemen, it is my unqualified opinion

that we cannot do without hover cover.

Just one question.

What is hover cover?

Smart, KAOS is back in business.

What?

He says KAOS is back in business!

What?

KAOS has a machine that can destroy all life on earth.

Sounds serious.

What kind of a machine?

What did he say?

He said this is going nowhere.

I have no idea what that means.

Lose the choppers!

What?

Lose the choppers, get rid of them!

Now, Smart, I want you to listen to me,

because I'm going to say what I have to say once

and only once.

One, KAOS has a weather machine.

It is capable of changing the world as we know it.

Changing the world as we know it,

that's a very hopeful sign, sir.

Two, they can produce acid rain, destroy our crops

and pollute our water.

You mean they can do that better than we're doing it now?

Three, there is a mole in our organization

and he turned Dr. Hottentop.

Into what?

If I may,

Hottentot's a traitor.

I find that hard to believe.

Why would he defect?

It doesn't make any sense.

He sold his formula to KAOS for a million dollars.

How you make ask do we know that?

I wouldn't ask that.

We know that because in the last hour

one of our surveillance teams intercepted him

trying to get out of the country.

Hottentot got away,

but we do have all nine pounds of his wallet.

Well, it just doesn't make any sense.

Hottentot was never interested in money,

and besides that we have nothing to worry about,

because his formula never worked.

It does now.

Smart, your mission is to locate and infiltrate KAOS,

eliminate the madman behind this heinous plot,

and destroy their diabolical machine.

How much time do I have?

Until midnight the 23rd.

Six days!

Are you kidding?

That's ridiculous, I can't do this in six days!

Smart, that's seven days.

Oh, okay.

Is there anything else you need from us?

Well, I'd like to reactivate Control

and get my old team back.

Granted, if they're still around.

I'd also like to look in the Hottentot files.

There may be something in there that I can use.

Our records are warehoused at 9042743rd Street.

You got that?

Everything but the address.

9042743rd Street, my aid Beamish will meet you there.

Now, Smart, remember, KAOS will do everything

in its power to try and stop you.

You'll be in imminent danger and constant jeopardy,

facing death at every turn.

And loving it.

Let's get outta here.

No!

I don't wanna go through that again.

We'll take a cab.

- So long fellas! - No!

Oh no!

Mr. Smart, I just wanna say that working with you

is the highlight of my career.

Well, thank you, Beamish.

How long have you been with the agency?

Three days.

Mr. Smart, what's the secret of your success?

Constant vigilance, razor-sharp instincts,

and hold it.

- Freeze! - Or your garbage!

Or your garbage?

I heard it in a movie.

Okay, closet's clear.

I've gotta remember that, check all closets.

Here's the latest in security devices,

the finger-identification panel.

If your fingerprint doesn't match the one on file,

the door doesn't open.

Then I guess it's important to bring the right fingers.

How many agents do ya have on file?

About a million if you count the freelancers

and the temps.

Where do they keep the old Control files?

Down here.

How do these things work?

Well, they're electronically sealed.

You have to use a remote control,

which doesn't seem to be working.

It's working.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, I pushed the wrong button.

You okay?

Yes.

13!

Max!

I was just dreaming about you.

And I was just talking about you.

Where have you been keeping yourself?

Oh, here and there, it's just part-time spying now.

Two weeks in a toilet in Toledo,

a voodoo drum in Haiti.

That was kind of fun, like a vacation.

What's new, Max?

KAOS is back in business.

Does that mean we're back in business, too?

Well, if I can find Hymie and Larrabee.

Well, if these files are correct,

Hymie should be working for

the National Car Testing Institute.

The National Car Testing Institute, what's he doing?

He's a crash dummy.

And Larrabee, he should still be over

at the old Control building.

But that's impossible.

That building is empty, it's been condemned.

Well, that's strange.

Well, so is Larrabee.

What about 99, is she on the team, too?

Of course, we're having lunch,

I'm gonna tell her about it.

Max, what's our assignment, find Hottentot?

13, how did you know that?

I've still got my contacts, Max.

I've got a friend inside the White House, really inside.

She's in the plumbing.

Now, what's KAOS's latest demand?

Well, they threatened to destroy the world

unless we pay them $250 billion.

Why is it always us?

Why does America have to always foot the bill?

I mean, where are our allies?

You'd think we'd hear from Japan.

We did.

Oh?

They sent a 100 bucks.

Mr. Smart!

I'll be with you in a minute, Beamish.

13, find Hottentot.

Mr. Smart, the Hottentot file is missing.

Now is not the time to panic, Beamish.

It's probably been misfiled.

Look under M for Marcus.

Right, right.

No, no, it's not here.

Now we panic.

What are we?

Oh, here it is.

Sorry, I lost my cool, I was sure it was taken by KAOS.

Mr. Smart, do you have any idea who the double agent

could be?

Well, Beamish, I'm sorry to say it could be anybody.

It could be the commander, it could be me, it could be you.

Don't move.

It could be him.

Turn around, face the files, put your hands on top,

and spread your legs.

Turn around and face the file, put your hand.

What was that part about the legs?

Move!

Move, don't move, make up your mind.

I got another job, fella.

Okay, by the numbers this time,

or you're dead meat, Smart.

Turn and face the files, put your hands on top,

spread your legs.

Hi-yah!

Where's the Hottentot file?

Right this way.

Goodnight.

Mr. Smart, you know who that is?

No, who?

Bronski, KAOS's number one killer.

Number one?

I thought he was number nine.

No, the new ratings are out, and he went right to the top.

Well, that's ridiculous.

KAOS has better killers than Bronski.

It's not how good you are,

it's where you stand in the ratings.

How can we tell our leader, our new leader,

that we did not the Hottentot papers?

He will want to know what happened.

I will want to know what happened.

In 10 words or less, what happened?

I don't know.

Well, at least that's less than 10 words, you nitwit!

Perhaps he can tell us, Siegfried.

Well, why don't you bring him in?

All right, Major, what happened?

Why do we not have the Hottentot papers?

Uh.

We don't uh here!

Siegfried's office.

Yes, sir!

Siegfried, it's our new leader.

He wants to know what happened.

Uh.

We don't uh here!

- What happened? - That is precisely what we

are trying to find out, sir.

- Find out. - Yeah, the major is here now.

The agent I sent to get the papers was an incompetent.

Do you hear that, sir?

Yes, what happened?

Yeah.

Did Control capture our agent.

Yes.

Ah, then he'll talk.

No, he won't, I killed him 20 minutes ago.

Did you hear the good news, sir?

- Smart. - Smart?

Don't worry about Maxwell Smart, we will take care of him.

You better not fail.

We will not fail this time.

We are finished with blunders and bloops.

I hope so,

for your sake, carry on.

Shtarker.

Yeah?

Oh, I need something for my stomach.

Cummerbund?

Idiot, for the inside.

Siegfried, I've never seen you so upset.

I'm two years away from retiring, and out of nowhere

KAOS is taken over by a corporate trader, a crazy man.

Oh, the pressure,

you have no idea what the pressure is like.

I've got headaches, high blood pressure, insomnia.

I'm a capitalist casualty, a merger victim.

You don't have to worry about Smart.

Why not?

He's as good as dead.

What makes you so sure?

The more you know about a man,

the easier it is to kill him.

The material you gave me to read was invaluable.

Where'd you get such a complete biography?

That is no concern of yours.

Well, my compliments to whoever wrote it.

I know everything there is to know about smart,

his way of life, his patterns, his habits.

If I choose, I can become like him, act like him,

even think like him.

That I would not advice.

What I would advise is for you to kill Maxwell Smart

before he puts his team together.

You don't have to worry about that.

If he does that, I'll kill 'em all.

All right, but remember,

make sure you give us the group rate, yeah?

Good.

Max!

Max, great to see you again.

Are you okay?

Well, I think so, Hymie.

What was that all about?

You forgot, the last time we were together,

you said that I hope we run into each other real soon.

Oh, Hymie, you robots always take everything so literally.

That was just an idiomatic expression.

I'm not familiar with that phrase, Max.

Skip it.

Stop it, Hymie.

Sometimes you could drive a person up a wall.

Don't do it, Hymie!

We need you to come back to work for Control.

Sure, when you need me you come around,

otherwise I never hear from you.

It really hurts, Max, I'm not made of stone, you know?

I'm sorry, Hymie.

Sorry, you always say you're sorry.

You never write, you never call.

You missed all my birthdays.

I'm never invited to your club and you know why?

I'll tell you why, because they don't allow my kind in there

that's why.

That's ridiculous, Hymie.

We have a cybernaut in my club.

Sure, token robot.

What's this all about, Max?

KAOS is back in business.

KAOS, Max, I'd really love to work with you again,

but I'm not programmed for spying anymore.

I only do crashes.

Well, I'm sure we can work something out

if we just put our heads together.

No!

Hymie, I think we'd be a lot less conspicuous

if you'd get in the car.

If I get in the car, I have to crash it.

Well, what do ya think?

Nothing in this dossier to indicate

why Hottentot would defect.

That's what I thought.

Do you think there's something about him we don't know?

I doubt it, the man was a loner.

He lived for his work.

The only person he was close to was another scientist.

I missed that, who?

Dr. Denton.

I think we're there, Max.

Looks like we've got company.

Smart is stopping.

Should I park?

Wait a minute.

He isn't.

He just passed up a parking space.

He's going from meter to meter.

Why?

It's because he's cheap.

He's looking for a meter with time on it.

Now he's parking in a red zone.

They headed for the old Control building.

That's perfect.

It's deserted, it's a great place to kill him.

Yeah.

Definitely trouble.

I've gotta talk to 13.

13, I tried to keep in touch with him,

but he never returned my calls.

I took his number out of my book.

Stop!

Hi, Max.

Hey, it's great to be out and about again.

What's up?

We're being followed by a man in a black leather jacket

with a mustache.

Leave it to me, Max.

I gotta get going.

There's a colleague coming.

Oh hi, Max.

Don't tell me you forgot my egg salad sandwich.

Hello, Larrabee.

Hymie, glad to see ya.

Hard to believe, you never call, you never write.

Enough.

Larrabee, what are you doing here?

Watering my plants.

Watering your plant?

Larrabee, Control has been out of business for 15 years.

I heard that rumor, too.

What rumor?

In 15 years, have you received one letter, one phone call?

No, not one.

Not you.

In 15 years, have you had one visitor, one memo?

I have a memo right here.

I'll always cherish it.

It's signed by the president.

The president.

To stay at your post until relieved,

Richard M. Nixon, President.

Max, are you my relief, 'cause I gotta get home.

Larrabee, get your coat and your hat

and let's get outta here.

Where are we going?

Control lab, I've gotta get Hymie reprogramed

and pick up the latest equipment from Spy World.

Come on.

Well, what's our mission?

To find Dr. Marcus Hottentot, he defected.

I can't believe that, he'd never defect.

You knew Marcus Hottentot?

I didn't know him as Marcus Hottentot.

I knew him as Marcia Hopkins.

Marcia Hopkins?

Changed his name.

Sounds like he changed more than that.

Where did you meet him?

On a blind date, but I liked him,

so I never said anything.

Of course, KAOS blackmailed Hottentot.

That's why he defected.

I hope he's all right.

He was a brilliant scientist and a great tango dancer.

What was that?

Beats me.

I can only put him into the S mode.

Exactly what does that mean?

He'll be programed for spying,

but he'll also want to ski and shop.

Well, I'll keep him away from mountains and malls.

Excuse me.

Doctor, I have Agent Smart's cashmere combat jacket,

his slacks, and his magnetic shoes.

Magnetic shoes?

Yes, this is essentially a defensive weapon.

It attracts metal,

or is attracted to it.

Thanks.

Here, Mr. Smart,

slip into our latest technological triumph.

Although this appears to be an ordinary sports coat,

it is in reality a size 40 regular

megabyte mainframe computer.

The material in this jacket is composed of thousands

of cotton microchips interwoven with silk spun

from specially bred silkworms from the Silicon Valley.

This jacket is user friendly and is compatible

with almost any software shirt.

The four buttons on each sleeve are computer keys,

so you are virtually a walking arsenal

and communications center.

Are there any questions?

Does it come in navy blue?

Will Agents Hymie and Larrabee require jackets?

Yes.

Gentlemen, I'll need to take your measurement,

waist, neck, sleeve, inseam, nostril.

Nostril?

We have perfected a mini camera

that fits right into your nose.

All you have to do is press this button on your jacket

and your elbow will record what your nose sees.

Well, wouldn't it be better if my nose recorded

what my elbow sees?

- No. - No?

- No. - No.

Simply because in your elbow-patch compartment

there is a mini recorder

plus everything else you might need,

a mini magnet, a mini gun, and a mini condom.

I'm curious, what use do we have for a mini magnet?

All you need to know is in your mini manual,

which is in your other elbow-patch compartment.

How do we access the elbow patches?

Just press the first cuff button.

I thought the first cuff button worked my nostrils.

No, that's the third cuff button.

I thought that was the second cuff button.

No, the second cuff button activates

the cuff-button phone.

When this button lights up, you have an incoming call.

To answer, lift the cuff to your ear,

talk into your lapel.

Is that the left lapel or the right lapel?

The right is for local calls,

the left is for long distance.

Long distance, do I get my choice of carriers?

Excuse me, If you'd like these jackets

to have cuff calling, I need to leave now, Dr. Denton.

I wish I could join you.

Dr. Denton, did you know Dr. Hottentot?

Dr. Hottentot, um, not really, no.

I believe he was a friend of my father's.

So you knew him?

Yes, I knew him, but I didn't know him well.

Actually, I see very little of him.

My super sensitized sonic sensor says

you are not telling the truth.

I should never have put you in the S mode.

Of course you're right.

I spoke to Marcus yesterday.

He called me, he sounded desperate.

Doc, do ya know where he is?

No.

Well, did he call you at home, or did he call you here?

Here.

Good.

These are security phones,

that means that they're monitored.

Thanks, Doc.

Okay, it's late,

I want you guys to put a trace on that phone call,

and get me in address.

I'm gonna pick up 99.

Then we're gonna put our team together and move out.

We've got one week to save the world.

Lucky it's this week, we set our clocks back on Sunday.

That gives us an extra hour.

Excuse me.

My name is Maxwell Smart.

I have a reservation for two, I'm meeting my wife.

No, you're not.

What do you mean no I'm not?

Commander!

You've got a day job.

Smart, I have been trying to get you all day

on your cuff phone.

Yes, well, I didn't hear it, I mean, I didn't see it.

I mean, I can't get used to these things.

You cannot meet 99 for lunch.

Current regulations prohibit spouses

with dependent children from working together.

But the twins aren't dependent, they're in college.

I'm sorry, there's not a thing I can do.

That is the president's decision.

99 and I work so well together, we're a terrific team.

Why, do you know that we were spy couple of the year

in 1968?

Out of the question, now go and find a phone,

call your wife, and tell her you cannot meet her for lunch.

She's already seen me.

All right, have lunch with her, but do not,

and I'm going to repeat this,

do not tell her anything about your assignment.

You're asking me to lie to 99.

I've never lied to her in my life,

and I'm not gonna start lying now.

Smart, lying to 99 is the last thing I want you to do.

- Good. - Try everything else first.

Good afternoon, Monsieur, Mademoiselle.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, I'm sorry I went ahead.

I have to bring these pages back to Lisa by 2:30.

Well, I'm not really hungry, 99,

and it's almost 2:30 now.

Oh, well, come walk with me and tell me how things went.

On second thought, 99,

I think I might order a little something to eat.

I just had some sudden hunger pains.

Max, that's a new jacket, I like it.

Where'd you get it?

The jacket, yes, well, you know me, 99,

I never know where I get these things.

Would Bellman's carry a jacket like this?

Sure.

Then that's where I got it.

Max, come on, I can't wait any longer.

Tell me what happened.

Are you back with Control?

Max, I can't hear you with the menu in front of your face.

Have you been reactivated?

Ah, the veal.

Max, look at me.

Tell me what happened.

Well, 99, it wasn't exactly what you'd think.

I mean, we didn't really, I mean, I never, they didn't.

Could you say that a little more clearly?

No.

Max!

Your cuff button is blinking.

Ah, yes, that, well, that's just probably

a reflection from the silver.

Would you like to order something, sir?

Would I ever, yes, indeed, yes, yes, yes.

Shrimp cocktail.

Shrimp cocktail.

Smoked eel.

Oh, smoked eel.

Crab capellini.

Capellini.

Endive and watercress salad.

Salad.

Asparagus vinaigrette.

Listen, 99, if you have some place to go,

don't let me hold you up, because I plan to eat a lot.

Clams on the half shell.

Clams.

Peppered brie and puff pastry.

Would you come back in a moment, please?

Certainly.

Max, is something wrong?

- No. - I'm gonna call Lisa

and cancel my appointment.

No, no, don't call Lisa.

Everything is perfectly all right.

No, I think I need to be here with you.

No, you don't need to be here.

You don't need to be here now, I mean.

Later, you need to be here, I mean, later at home you need

- to be with me. - Max, there's nothing here

that I'm doing today that I can't do tomorrow.

What's wrong?

My love affair with Agent 12?

I had only been at the agency a short time

when he came into my life.

Maybe I had better be going, Max.

We'll talk at home, okay?

99, how could you do such a thing?

12 isn't even a romantic number.

Oh, Max, it's so flattering that after all these years,

you can still be jealous,

and it's so tempting to take advantage of it,

but I can't.

Agent 12 was my mentor, and I did love him,

but like a grandfather.

Yours our somebody else's?

My grandfather.

Really?

Oh, Max, I could never lie to you,

anymore than you could lie to me.

Now, shall we talk?

Talk, yes, well, 99, this isn't the time

or the place to talk.

We can talk later at home.

You're sure?

Yes.

Okay.

Bye bye.

What would you like first, sir?

What a minute, what do you think you're doing?

There's still a minute left on that parking meter.

Instead of harassing innocent citizens,

you should be out after the real criminals,

the murderers, the killers, the arsonists.

They're the ones who deserve parking tickets.

I don't care, I'm gonna fight this!

What?

What?

It's not a ticket!

Oh.

Meet Hymie at 661 K Street.

Thanks, Hymie.

I tried to reach you on your cuff phone,

but you didn't answer, that's why the meter maid message.

There are complications.

The president wants to talk to Hottentot personally.

He wants you to take him right to the White House.

Where is he?

He has a room in the first floor.

He's in 108.

I think he's in there.

Dr. Hottentot, open the door.

We know you're in there.

Doctor, this is Maxwell Smart.

If you don't open this door by the time I count to three,

we're gonna kick the door down.

Maybe we should call the landlady, Max.

I don't think she can kick the door down.

She might have a pass key.

We don't have time for that.

Ready?

One, two,

three.

Dr. Hottentot, I presume.

I don't expect forgiveness, I'm just glad it's over.

It's not over, Doctor.

Dr. Hottentot, you have to tell us

who you gave the formula to.

Well, his name is...

Duck!

Why did you do that?

Because every time someone is about to reveal the name

of a murderer or traitor, they get shot.

Now, Dr. Hottentot,

ya have to tell us who you gave the formula to.

Well, his name is...

He's not gonna make it, Max.

Doc, who is the double agent?

What did he say?

He asked me to get my knee off his chest.

Doc, the double agent, who is it?

Cigarette.

No, thank you, I quit.

Who is the double agent?

His name is not known

- to me. - I can't hear ya, Doc,

speak up.

Max, why don't you record him?

Look, Doc, I want you to look into my nostril

and speak into my elbow.

I put the formula...

No, no, no, you believe this?

The man is speaking into my nostril.

I don't want you to speak into my nostril, I hate that.

I want you to speak into my elbow.

Sorry.

I put the formula in an airport locker

and they had the money in another locker.

Doctor, did KAOS take you to their headquarters?

No, I never saw anybody.

Max, he's dying.

Dying!

Come on, Doc, give us a break, give us something!

What happens if we find the machine?

How do stop them from using it?

Hamlet, Hamlet, and Spal-Spalding.

Can't understand him.

Cigarette, I need a cigarette.

Will ya forget about the cigarettes, already?

They could be hazardous to your health.

They could kill ya.

See?

Gentlemen, what I'm about to say is top secret

and confidential.

Don't worry, Mr. President.

Security's gone over every inch of this room.

We are not bugged, we are not tapped.

Feel free to speak, sir.

Shouldn't we close the window?

Up until three weeks ago,

Hottentot was a forgotten scientist.

Most of us working here didn't know him.

When he perfected his formula,

he became our best kept secret.

Now, how did KAOS find out about him?

Smart, did Hottentot say anything meaningful before he died?

Well, Mr. President, he said something about Hamlet

and Spalding.

Did you record him, Smart?

Yes.

Good, get me the tape,

and I'll have the crypto boys slow it down

and see if they can make something out of it.

We've got to double our efforts to find the mole

or quadruple them if necessary.

Mr. President, I know how you feel

and how you disapprove of spouses working together,

but I do feel that my wife would be a great help on my team.

Well, I'm sure she would, Smart,

but I'm categorically opposed to couples working together

on a mission as dangerous as this.

Sir, this just arrived.

I knew it was high priority.

This is a response to my request for an emergency meeting

with our allies.

Something wrong, Mr. President?

Something wrong?

Read this!

They don't believe that KAOS has a weather machine.

Smart, we're alone in this.

I'm counting on you more than ever.

Believe me, it's not easy to send a man off on a mission

which some of my cabinet members characterize

as one of certain death.

Certain death?

Yes, but in my opinion, I have no other choice.

Could we get a second opinion?

Before going to sleep, Smart usually has a midnight snack.

I want you to kill him in the kitchen.

Max?

Go to sleep, 99.

I can't.

Why not?

You're sitting on me.

Oh.

Max, how come you're home so late?

Late, yes, well, I had to go to a ship christening.

At 2:30 in the morning?

The Navy has a very low budget,

and they don't like a lot of people standing around

while they're using that cheap champagne.

Max, tell me about today.

Were you reactivated?

No.

Oh, Max, I'm so sorry.

Oh, you knew at lunch, didn't you?

Yes.

You must be so disappointed.

But then why did the agency call you?

Look, 99, I have had a very tough day.

I mean, I am so tired, I'm ready to collapse.

Why don't we talk about it tomorrow

and let me get a little sleep right now?

Could you do me a favor and open the window?

It's stuffy in here.

Oh, sure.

Wouldn't you feel better if we talked about it, Max?

No, no, 99, I don't wanna talk about it.

I just wanna get a good night's sleep

and fix myself a nice cup of hot cocoa.

I thought you said you were exhausted.

Yes, well, I am exhausted, 99,

but when I get exhausted I get overtired,

and I just can't get to sleep

without a cup of nice, hot cocoa.

But don't you worry about it,

because I'm gonna close the door,

so you can't hear me making it.

Max, why don't you just count sheep?

You remember what happened the last time you made cocoa?

Yes, well, we were gonna redo the kitchen anyway, 99.

Well, be careful, hmm?

I will.

Max!

It's all right, 99, I just dropped the cocoa.

Go back to sleep.

- Shh! - What's going on down there?

I just dropped it again.

Listen you've got to be quiet.

You don't happen to have a silencer on you, do ya?

Wait a minute!

Do me a favor.

What?

Hold these while I read ya your rights.

Max, are you all right?

Yes.

You've been reactivated.

Oh, yes,

I'm so glad I don't have to lie to you anymore, 99.

I can finally tell ya the truth.

What is the truth, Max?

I can't tell you that, 99.

It's a secret mission?

Max, he's getting away!

Well, what do you want me to do, 99?

Sorry, Max.

Max, was that man from KAOS?

How did you know that, 99?

Remember Grubnik?

Of course, Grubnik the spoiler.

Right, in 1969, he was traded by KAOS to thrush

for a rookie killer and two minor league muggers.

That man was Vedermeyer, one of the muggers.

Of course, I should've remembered his clammy hands.

What's this all about, Max?

Oh, I can't tell ya that, 99.

I was sworn to secrecy by the president himself.

You met the president?

What's he like?

Everything you'd expect him to be.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

KAOS.

Billions.

Max.

Hottentot.

- Max, Max, Max! - Hottentot.

- Huh, what? - Wake up!

You're spouting classified information.

Oh, what did I say?

You mentioned KAOS and then you said something about

billions of dollars.

Oh, Max, until you're off this case,

I think maybe it's better I sleep in another bedroom.

Oh, in that case, I'm off this case right now.

Oh, Max.

Did I say anything else?

Now that I think of it, yes, and it concerns me, Max,

- and my book... - Wait, 99, if we're gonna

discuss a top-secret case, we're going to have to do it

under the cone of silence.

Right, Max.

You mentioned Doctor, sorry.

You mentioned Dr. Hottentot and his weather machine.

Is that still classified information?

What?

I wrote about Dr. Hottentot in my book.

Now, maybe what I'm thinking is farfetched, Max,

but there could be a tie-in between KAOS, the book company,

you, and me.

You want me to tie you up at the book company?

In fact, the more I think about it, Max,

KAOS may have a contact at the book company.

KAOS what?

Max, there's something wrong with the cone of silence.

Forget that, 99,

something's wrong with the cone of silence.

What?

What?

How did you do that?

Max, what I'm trying to tell you is I may have given

classified information to someone at the book company who,

Max, your cuff button is flashing.

Well, just pick up the sleeve and talk into the lapel.

Which lapel?

It's okay, forget it, I'll get it.

Okay.

Hello, hello?

I think I'm on to something.

Can you meet me, Mr. Smart?

Where?

In the agency parking lot.

Could you come quickly?

I'm on my way.

Thank you.

That was Beamish, he's one of the men on my team.

I have to meet him in the parking lot.

I'm going with you, Max.

No, that's out of the question, 99.

This is a secret mission.

Was a secret mission.

Max, it's much easier to work with you

than it is to stay home and worry about you.

I'm sorry, 99, but it's out of the question.

It's too dangerous, it's too tricky.

Now, there is nothing you can say or do

that will make me change my mind.

That's it, it's over, finished.

But, Max, I want to.

Okay.

Besides, two karate chops are better than one.

I don't see Beamish anywhere.

Do you think it could be a trap, Max?

That's a distinct possibility.

What do we do now, Max?

Don't shoot!

Max, what are you doing?

He'll kill you.

I'm coming out with my hands up and my foot.

Max!

You've got his gun.

And his watch,

and two fillings.

Max, there he is!

Freeze!

Max, are you all right?

Yes, I'm just frustrated.

I had him right in my hands.

How did he get away?

By the seat of his pants, KAOS strip slacks.

Oh, Max, they're a rip off of Control's ejecto-pants.

And probably half the price.

Did you get a look at his face?

Well, if that was his face,

he has a huge cleft in his chin.

Anyway, I know who it is, 99.

It's the commander's right-hand man

Major Preston Waterhouse.

How can you be sure?

Very simple, 99,

these pants tell me everything that I need to know.

First of all, look at the length, extra long.

Major Waterhouse is over six feet tall.

Next, the material, heavy wool,

typical choice of an Army man,

and finally, there's the label,

made for Preston Waterhouse.

Oh.

The Major's RV is the third one on the left.

He may be watching us, walk casually.

His light's on, Max.

Okay, I'll go in and you cover me.

Max, I don't have a gun.

Okay, then you go in and I'll cover you.

Max!

I've got a gun for you, 99.

Max, this looks like a tootsie roll with a trigger.

What do you say when you use this, put your finger up?

Well, it may not look like much, 99,

but when you attach this noiser to it.

- Noiser? - A bang becomes a boom.

This is Maxwell Smart, open up, Major.

He turned his lights off.

Major, open up.

Missed it by that much.

He's still breathing, 99.

Good.

Hello, this is Maxwell Smart.

Major Waterhouse is our double agent.

I want you to send an ambulance

to the Potomac Creek Trailer Park.

What?

Who is this?

Minnie Lepkowitz.

Minnie Lepkowitz?

What department are you in?

Lingerie for small and tall.

Lingerie for small and tall?

- Sorry, wrong number. - Bye.

Max!

- Hello, this is Maxwell... - Lingerie for small and tall.

Minnie?

- Sorry. - That's okay.

Max, look...

- Hello, this... - Lingerie for small and tall.

Minnie,

- will ya do me a favor? - Sure.

I want you to call this number.

555-9300 and tell 'em to send an ambulance

to the Potomac Creek Trailer Park.

You're joking.

No, I'm not joking, I'm telling you the truth.

How do I know that?

Minnie, have I ever lied to ya?

- No. - Thanks.

Max, this is a xerox of pages from my book.

Then your hunch was right.

There is a connection between KAOS and the book company.

What pages?

Chapter 14, the one about you.

You didn't get to me until chapter 14?

What else was there to write about?

Oh, Max, there were lots of fascinating cases.

Really, like what?

Well, you remember Agent 95.

Yes.

Remember the time he was kidnapped by KAOS

and when we got him back he was a total loss

and how he ranted and raved

and we couldn't understand a word he said.

Whatever happened to Agent 95?

He went into politics.

Siegfried, I have bad news.

Shtarker, that's terrible.

All right, I have terrible news.

We no longer have an agent in place.

The major has been taken prisoner by Maxwell Smart.

Smart, Smart, Smart, I have had it with Smart, up to here!

I think maybe we should try and get rid of him.

You think we should get rid of him?

What a brilliant idea.

I have a plan.

I will arrange a truce.

Smart and I will meet, as we have met in the past,

but it will be our last meeting.

I will personally eliminate him!

Well, you'd better do it quick, Siegfried,

before they try and make the major talk.

Do you think the major will talk

or will he swallow his poisoned pill?

He will do exactly as you or I would do.

Then how do we stop him from talking?

Bad news, sir, we can't interrogate Major Waterhouse.

He took three poisoned pills, one after each meal.

What kind of prescription is that, Max?

Well, 99, it's a good thing we don't use

the KAOS pharmacy, listen to this.

Caution, do not drive if drowsiness or death occurs.

Well, the good news is we've eliminated the mole,

but the bad news is we've also eliminated our best lead

to finding the mastermind behind this KAOS plot.

We've still got the book company, sir.

Yes, who would have access to your manuscript?

Well, there's Lisa Spencer my editor,

and she has there or four assistants.

There's the publisher.

For that matter, it could be anyone at the book company.

Why's that?

They don't keep my manuscript under lock and key.

Anyone could've copied it.

Obviously, someone did.

KAOS could've bribed someone at the book company.

I'll follow up on that, sir.

I mean,

the agency might want to investigate that.

Mrs. Smart, at first I was upset

at your accidental involvement in this case,

but when it became apparent that your knowledge

and your expertise could be invaluable,

well, I conferred with the president and he agrees with me.

I'm reactivating you, effective immediately.

Thank you very much, Commander.

Excuse me, Commander, Schmelding is here.

What's a schmelding?

Professor Helmut Schmelding,

better known to you as Hamlet Spalding.

We managed to decipher the tapes.

Of course, Helmut Schmelding.

Hamlet Spalding!

Who is Helmet Schmelling?

Dr. Helmut Schmelding is a world renowned

atmospheric physicist and probably the only man

capable of dismantling the KAOS weather machine.

Send him in.

Who?

Dr. Helmut Schmelding.

Good idea.

All right, Siegfried, hold it right there.

One move and you're an obituary.

Max, this is Dr. Helmut Schmelding.

This is not Dr. Helmut Schmelding.

This is Conrad Siegfried a KAOS killer.

Am I right, 99?

He certainly looks like him.

Commander, this man and this number are mistaken.

Look, I can prove it.

Drop that gun.

Drop that card.

Listen to what my card says.

Professor Helmut Schmelding,

world renowned atmospheric physicist.

Anyone can print a card.

Yeah, but this is engraved and in four colors.

It's not a cheapy.

Let me see that.

Oh, yes, engraved, four colors.

What do you think, 99?

Professor Schmelding's resemblance to Siegfried is uncanny

even the scar is the same.

I got in a duel in Heidelberg.

With whom?

My, all right, all right, I confess.

That good for nothing Siegfried is my brother.

How come you have different last names?

Schmelding is my mother's maiden name.

That's remarkable.

You're truly identical twins.

Actually, identical triplets.

You mean you and Siegfried are triplets?

No, there are three of us.

You mean to tell me that you have another brother

who looks exactly like you and Siegfried?

No, a sister.

I bet she has a tough time getting dates.

Yes, sir, Mr. President.

Activate your video screen.

What, now?

It's KAOS.

Yes, sir.

That was the president.

KAOS is preparing to broadcast on our restricted network.

Larrabee, turn on the TV.

I think Hymie should be in on this.

Hymie, drop everything and get in here!

♪ Follow my instructions and we'll have no problems

♪ Pay the ransom quickly or else it's kaput

♪ Or else it's kaput

Our leader is not pleased that you have reactivated

yourselves and Maxwell Smart, so in retaliation

I am now reducing the payoff time to 72 hours.

Furthermore, I demand a meeting with Maxwell Smart

to discuss how the $250 billion will be delivered.

Act immediately or else

I will sing again.

I don't like it.

You don't need a meeting to discuss a payoff.

I agree, 99, there's something rotten in Detroit.

That's Denmark, Max.

Oh, well,

things haven't been that great in Detroit either.

They've given us 72 hours, it can't be done.

I have a plan, sir.

Good, let's hear it.

And remember, everyone,

what Max says is not to be taken outside this room.

Well, if this is top secret,

then it should have maximum security.

No hover cover.

I can understand your feelings, sir,

but the manual clearly states that we should have

an anti-bugging device in a maximum security situation.

Fortunately, we have a backup.

Dr. Denton's hall of hush.

The hall of hush represents the crowning achievement

in my already brilliant career.

It is capable of defeating the most sophisticated

bugging devices.

How, you may ask.

I wouldn't ask that.

We do it by converting speech into silence.

When I close this door and the red light goes on,

the voice mufflers will be activated,

and you will be able to see, and I emphasize see,

what my genius has wrought.

The security manual no longer exists.

Now, Smart, you will tell me your plan,

you will tell it to me now, and you will tell it to me

in front of all these people.

We capture Siegfried, substitute Schmelding for him,

then we follow Schmelding to KAOS headquarters.

He'll let us in.

It's the old, old Trojan horse trick.

That could work.

99, are you sure this isn't your idea?

No, it was Max's.

Professor,

how do you feel about impersonating your brother?

Not good, I really don't want to get involved

in any spy hocus pocus.

But, Professor, once we locate KAOS,

we can destroy their evil machine,

and once and for all make the world safe for shopping,

shopping, shopping,

- shopping. - Oh my, he's in a verbal

- S mode! - Scheme, sleeping,

sledding, sandwiches, sex, singing.

♪ Flonnie, how I love ya, how I love ya

♪ My dear old

Sorry, sir, sir, sir, sir.

Gentlemen, we are losing valuable time.

Professor, I know we're asking you to do a lot more

than you bargained for, but we really don't have any choice.

The fate of our country's at stake.

You're the only one who can impersonate Siegfried,

because you're the only one who looks like him.

Unless of course your sister is in town.

All right, I'll give it a try.

Thank you, Professor, thank you very, very much.

Hymie, put the word out on the street

that Max will meet with Siegfried.

Other than being my brother,

what is the worst thing that could happen to me?

Well, you could be killed.

Oh, boy.

Or you might have to kill someone.

No, you can't ask me to kill a person.

I'm a scientist.

We only do continents, countries, occasionally a convention,

but a person, never.

Oh no, Commander did I hear you tell Hymie

to put the word out on the street?

Yes.

Come on, Max!

Well, we'll just have to chalk this up

to a precious waste of time and chalk.

Shtarker,.

Siegfried, what is it?

Oh, Siegfried,

you really should speak with the cleaning crews.

They seem to have missed this huge slab of concrete

on your desk.

Smart's message is written on this concrete.

I see.

What exactly does this mean?

I think the meaning is perfectly clear.

Walter loves Eddie.

No, you stupid, in the orange chalk.

Maxwell Smart will meet with Siegfried.

Yippee-yi-o-ki-yay!

Shtarker, this is KAOS.

We don't yippee-yi-o-ki-yay here!

Forgive me, I know we don't yippee-yi-o-ki-yay here.

Occasionally, a restrained ya-hoo is all right.

- Siegfried's office. - Shtarker.

Ja, my leader.

What is going on there?

We have good news for you.

I tell the good news.

Maxwell Smart has agreed to meet with me.

If you have nothing better to do this afternoon,

you might find it amusing to attend his funeral.

Carry on.

He's putting it on his calendar.

Ya-hoo!

I gotta remember this is not automatic.

Max, I can't believe me, I'm all butterflies.

Do you realize how long it's been

since we've done something this exciting together?

What was wrong with Tuesday night?

Max, Siegfried's here.

What made Smart pick this park?

Smart is a sentimentalist.

This is where Maxwell and I first met,

under that tree on that teeny-weeny bench there.

Well, Siegfried, you're looking as evil as ever.

And you, Smart, you're looking remarkably well,

I'm sorry to say.

Do you mind if we frisk ourselves in a private place?

Siegfried!

As we agreed inside the building.

Oh, okay.

All right, let's get the frisking over with.

Okay, I'll frisk you first.

Why can't I frisk you first?

Because I said first that I'll frisk you first.

What if you frisk me first and don't find a gun,

then before I can frisk you,

you put out your gun and shoot me?

I wouldn't do that.

I would, that's why I wanted to go first.

Okay, Siegfried, I've got an idea.

What is it?

I'll frisk half of you,

then you frisk half of me,

then I'll frisk the other half of you,

then you frisk the other half of me.

- Then... - Maxwell, you stupid,

I called this meeting, if I can't frisk you first,

I'm leaving.

All right, all right, you can frisk me first.

What is this?

They're my suicide pills.

Suicide pills?

Yes, they come in all different flavors:

orange, raspberry, strawberry.

Raspberry?

Would you like to try one?

Happy?

Okay, now I frisk you.

No!

Or else you would find this, hands up, Smart!

Okay, I'll put up my hands and

my foot.

The new and improved version from KAOS.

Surprise.

Hymie,

bring in the professor.

Helmut.

Hello, Conrad.

What are you doing here, where did you come from?

Berlin.

How is Mother?

Why ask now?

You don't care, you never call, you never write.

How well I know that feeling.

Hymie.

I wrote, you never gave her my letters.

Liar.

All right, enough of this family chitchat.

Siegfried, strip.

What do you have in mind?

Give your clothes to the professor.

So that's it?

You're going to have goody two-shoes impersonate me.

Ridiculous, it won't work.

He's a teacher's pet, this sissy, a knockwurst polisher.

Name one person in KAOS who will believe

he's Siegfried the malevolent.

Shtarker will believe it, and that's all we need.

True.

Ah, Smart, how can you do this?

We had the equivalent of a truce,

and you have betrayed me.

I have betrayed you?

You were going to kill me.

Yes, but I'm evil and cold.

Could I have the bathrobe?

Well, Siegfried, we did have sort of a truce.

Well, what are you going to do about it?

Well, after this is all over, I'm gonna release you,

and you can keep the bathrobe forever.

Hymie, get him outta here.

And you can quote me.

All right, Maxwell,

do I look all right?

No, you look just like Siegfried.

It's perfect.

You ready?

I'm ready.

Get going, you just killed Maxwell Smart.

Step on it, Maxwell, we'll lose them.

What's the matter?

I can't get it out of reverse.

You must've jammed it.

Where's the manual?

Look in the glove compartment.

It's not in here.

They're gonna get away, Max.

No, they're not.

Must've gone into one of these buildings.

Do you think it'll occur to the professor

to leave a door open?

Siegfried, you left the door open.

Oh, how careless of me.

Shtarker, I think I lost my pen, I'll be right back.

Max, most of these buildings are warehouses.

I know that, 99.

Pinter, Dimnete, and Stone has a warehouse

in this part of town.

Why don't we look for a building with books in it?

What are you doing?

Oh, I thought I might've dropped my pen outside.

It's only a pen, we have hundreds of them, let's go.

Siegfried.

Yeah?

You left the door open again.

What is with me today?

It's locked.

It's a deadbolt, Max.

You can't open this door with a credit card.

This is Dr. Denton's laser beam credit card.

Ah, this belongs in the lab.

Would you open the door for me, Siegfried?

I don't seem to have my key.

Key?

I don't remember the code.

Oh, hold this for me for a moment.

Let me refresh your memory, Siegfried.

First, you take a copy of a book

that begins with the letter I, Ivanhoe.

Then, you take a copy of a book that begins

with the letter N, Nicholas Nickleby.

You put them together, you have IN.

Oh.

Move.

Max, do you mind if I try something out on you?

Well, shouldn't we wait till the mission is over, 99?

No, Max, it's apparent who's the mastermind

behind this operation.

I thought so myself.

Who?

My publisher Nicholas Dimente.

He learned about KAOS, about Dr. Hottentot,

even about you from my manuscript.

Oh, Max, I divulged too much.

I didn't need to list all of your idiosyncrasies.

My idiosyncrasies?

Pages 127 to 145.

Why couldn't ya just write a diet book

like everybody else?

Oh, Max, it was me who put your life in danger.

I'll never forgive myself for that, Max.

I'll never forgive myself.

Ya have to forgive yourself, 99.

Okay.

But you could take a little time.

Did ya hear that?

It sounded like the professor.

It came from down there.

Max, look.

Hansel and Gretel.

Max, do you remember the story of Hansel and Gretel?

Of course, 99, but I don't have time to tell it to ya now.

The children use crumbs to leave a trail.

The professor used books instead of crumbs.

Well, we're lucky there's still a trail,

but then again, there are very few birds that eat books.

We're out of books.

Where's headquarters?

Where's Dimente?

What makes you so sure it's Dimente?

Couldn't it be your editor, Lisa?

It has to be Dimente.

Have I ever met him?

No, I don't think so.

Little under six feet tall, gray hair, black brows,

a mustache?

Yes, when did you meet him?

Just now.

Well, Mr. Smart.

Don't you think this is a little out of fashion,

to say nothing of barbaric?

Extremely uncivilized,

but definitely pragmatic.

Your book portrays you as an escape artist

of extraordinary caliber.

I didn't wanna become a new chapter in the revised edition.

I can't reconcile your working with KAOS.

I am KAOS.

I acquired the controlling shares a year ago.

But you're a prestigious publisher,

a man who believes in education, a man who...

There are 40 million people in our country

who cannot read or write over the fourth-grade level.

What does that have to do with KAOS?

With $250 billion, KAOS will publish the 150 great books,

make them required reading.

Those who don't read them will be killed.

But Americans will be forced to learn from Aristotle,

Euclid, Shakespeare, Twain.

You're mad.

What would you do, Mr. Smart?

I would appeal to the conscience of the president

and the congress and ask them to cut down on defense

and spend more money on education.

And you call me mad?

You can't make people read.

I can now that I have the Hottentot formula.

What does controlling the weather have to do with reading?

Everything.

Inclement weather forces people to remain indoors.

There's always television.

Wreak havoc with atmospheric conditions,

and you eliminate the transmission of television.

People will have nothing to do in their homes but read.

Well, almost nothing.

Dimente, your demented plan will not work.

Why not?

Because at this very moment this warehouse

is being surrounded by 100 cops with doberman pincers.

Would you believe it?

100 cops with doberman pincers.

I find that hard to believe.

Would you believe 10 security guards and a bloodhound?

I don't think so.

How 'bout a boy scout with rabies?

Mr. Smart, there is no force on earth

capable of stopping me.

I can burn towns, freeze cities.

I can electrocute countries.

I can drown the city that houses your finest minds,

your most brilliant intellects.

Well, at least Washington is safe.

Think of it, Mr. Smart.

With a push of a button,

I can create weather around the world

or right in this laboratory.

Snow storms, hurricanes, tornadoes,

or lightning.

What do you have to say now, Mr. Smart?

It's a brilliant plan, Dimente.

Too bad for you we found out about it.

Too bad for you,

because now I'm gonna have to kill you.

Well, I knew it was too bad for somebody.

Mr. Smart, you have an admirable spirit.

Oh, I regret that we were unable to meet

under more favorable conditions.

I'll see you in the morning for breakfast,

or final requests.

99, I think he's the wrong publisher for your book.

Folks, we can't afford to hang around here much longer.

If only we had our old inflato-coats.

We have better than that.

I've got a designer destructo-coat by Dr. Denton.

See if you can press my cuff buttons

to one-two-one-two.

Okay, one down, three to go.

All right,

take this card and unchain Beamish and Schmelding.

I'm gonna call headquarters.

This is Maxwell, Smart, put me through to the commander.

I have vital information.

Hello, this is Minnie...

Minnie, get off the line, this is an actual emergency.

With cup size, at the beep.

It's her answering machine.

Oh, Maxwell, you can't ask me to demolish this machine.

It's a work of genius.

It's so simple, everything is marked.

You press a button, you get rain.

You press another...

Destroy it, Professor.

But it's all we have left of Hottentot.

Orders are orders.

Beamish, you've been here longest, what are we up against?

Far as I can tell, it's only two guards and Shtarker.

Let's take 'em.

They've got guns.

Yes, but we have the element of surprise.

We've gotta split up.

99, you go that way, I'll go that way.

Beamish, you go that way.

Get them!

Nobody gets through War and Peace.

Missed me by that much.

Max!

Max, that was fantastic.

Yes, well, 99, it only goes to prove

that the pen is mightier than the sword.

Mr. Smart!

That was my best brush with death so far.

99, I want you and Beamish to tie up Shtarker

and the other two, then call headquarters for help.

I'm gonna see how the professor is.

Right, Max.

Professor.

Mr. Smart,

you have a most irritating habit of complicating my life.

We've captured your men, it's all over.

You do have a style, Mr. Smart.

Where would you like it?

I'll give it to you anywhere you want.

How about Philadelphia?

You call headquarters.

I want to see how Max and the professor are doing.

Okay.

Oh, Max, how horrible.

Well, he deserved it, 99.

He was nothing but a KAOS killer.

Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max.

What are you talking about, 99?

We have to kill and maim and destroy.

We stand for everything that's good and fine

and decent in the world.

Help is on the way and yuck.

Professor!

Are you okay?

I'm all right.

But I'm telling you, Beamish, a career change at my age

is not a good idea.

Oh, I'm aching, I'm paining.

However, Professor, we did save the world.

It wasn't worth it.

It's just like old times, Max.

We did it.

Let's do it again.

Max, Beamish and the professor are watching.

Let's wait until we get home.

I can't.

99, I love you better than the whole world.

Would you believe it, the whole world?

Oh, Max, I believe it.