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1
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I cannot believe my mother is having an affair.
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I'm having palpitations.
3
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I'm having palpitations.
4
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Darling, seeing a doctor
5
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does not necessarily mean they're being intimate.
6
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Oh, please, when I see a man, you don't think I'm intimate with him?
7
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Not if he sees you.
8
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You know, sweetheart, I went through the same thing with my parents.
9
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It's totally beyond your control.
10
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Why aren't you as shocked as me?
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Well, I'm, you know, European.
12
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Things are a little more accepted there. It's looser. It's freer.
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It's, uh, so wrong.
14
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Well, my mother is not European.
15
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She's a middle-aged Jewish yenta
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that should be going to see a doctor for intestinal problems.
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That I can believe.
18
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I just heard about the affair.
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Oh, don't worry, Franny, your father's a very good man.
20
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Sylvia wouldn't throw that away for some fling.
21
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Exactly. Yetta's absolutely right.
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I'm sure this thing with your mother and her doctor won't last.
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My daughter's dating a doctor?
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Whoo-hoo.
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♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪
26
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♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
27
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♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪
28
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♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪
29
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♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪
30
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♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
31
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♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪
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♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪
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♪ She was there to sell make-up But the father saw more ♪
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♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there ♪
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♪ That's how she became ♪
36
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♪ The Nanny ♪
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♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪
38
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♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪
39
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♪ Now, the father Finds her beguiling ♪
40
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♪ Watch out C.C. ♪
41
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♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪
42
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♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
43
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♪ She's the lady in red ♪
44
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♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪
45
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♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪
46
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♪ The Nanny named Fran! ♪
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Oh, doctor...
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I am so flattered, but I have to tell you the truth.
49
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I am wearing a little makeup.
50
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No.
51
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You've changed your hair, haven't you?
52
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Did it get lighter from the sun?
53
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Yeah, the sun.
54
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You know, I notice every little thing about you.
55
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Including how much you love...
56
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Oh, my God!
57
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Samples!
58
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Cotton swabs!
59
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Oh, Handi Wipes.
60
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Antibacterial ointment.
61
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Oh, you are so extravagant.
62
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You know, my daughter is giving me the third degree about you.
63
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Hmm. She can't wait to meet you.
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Are your kids doing the same about me?
65
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Oh, no. My daughters respect my privacy.
66
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They know that when I'm ready I'll introduce you.
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They would never intrude in my private life.
68
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So, Miss Blodgett,
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what are your symptoms?
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Well, I'm sick and I'm nauseous.
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I think I had some bad Italian at an affair.
72
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Uh-huh.
73
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-Well, let's try your reflexes first. -Okay.
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Sorry. You know how weird those nerve connections can be.
75
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Um...
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I'm gonna look in your ear.
77
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Do I need to put on a cup?
78
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[chuckles]
79
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-Is that your family over there? -Yeah.
80
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-You have a lovely wife. -I did.
81
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I lost her nine years ago.
82
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Oh, I'm so sorry.
83
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Wow, did I say nine years?
84
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I can't believe it's been that long.
85
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This picture we took on our last anniversary.
86
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We went to Hawaii.
87
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Oh, yeah, it was so dark and you were so tan.
88
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That's Don Ho.
89
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Your wife was very beautiful.
90
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-She was, wasn't she? -Yeah.
91
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You know what you miss the most?
92
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The little things.
93
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Her perfume, her laugh.
94
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The look on her face whenever I would surprise her...
95
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with tickets for a Sunday matinee.
96
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You mean, you didn't spend your Sundays sitting in front of the TV
97
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spitting out peanut shells watching the football game?
98
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My wife hated sports.
99
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So I gave them up.
100
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If you didn't wanna direct my school play, why did you say yes?
101
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Because you asked me before they were married and pregnant,
102
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and I thought I still had a shot with your daddy.
103
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Maxwell, will you tell her the director is god?
104
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She's rehearsing us until two in the morning.
105
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It's because you stink.
106
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C.C., what do you expect when you choose Antony and Cleopatra
107
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for a grammar school?
108
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How hard is it to play a pushy broad
109
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who runs around half naked with too much makeup?
110
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Have you learned nothing from your mother?
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[phone rings]
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You're all off script tomorrow, or you're out.
113
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Talk.
114
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-Help me. -Oh, sweetheart.
115
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You open Saturday and you're still not off script?
116
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All right.
117
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Well, this is just great.
118
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The kid playing the messenger is grounded for cheating.
119
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All I did was slip him a few answers so he could get to rehearsal on time.
120
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C.C., can't you just cast some other kid in the part?
121
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Who? He was perfect.
122
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He looked like a weak, tired old man beaten down by life.
123
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Who am I gonna find to play a part like that?
124
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What?
125
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Maxwell, wouldn't Niles be perfect
126
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for that part in our sitcom in L.A.?
127
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Me? What part?
128
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Oh, if only there were a way I could see him on stage first.
129
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Me? What part?
130
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C.C., I don't think this is a very good idea.
131
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Oh, you're always trying to hold me back.
132
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You're just terrified that people are gonna find out
133
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that someone in this house has more talent than you.
134
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You know what? Break a leg.
135
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Oh, honey, we are in so much trouble.
136
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This guy that Ma is seeing,
137
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he's handsome, he's romantic, he's a doctor.
138
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He could park wherever he wants.
139
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Daddy would have an affair with him.
140
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Sweetheart, are you sure your mother isn't just going through a phase?
141
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I would like a word in private with Miss Blodgett, please.
142
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How dare you interfere with my affairs?
143
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Affairs? How many you having, Ma?
144
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Why are you doing this to me?
145
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I have never interfered in your personal life.
146
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Oh, please!
147
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Let there be a witness. No one will believe this.
148
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Ma, how could you do this to Daddy?
149
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Don't you realize how much he loves you?
150
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Darling, the only time your father looks at me with desire in his eyes
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is when I'm holding a chicken.
152
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You know what he gave me for my birthday?
153
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A standing rotisserie that drips the fat off.
154
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Is that stupid or what?
155
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I thought you'd like it.
156
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Fran, your father doesn't talk to me anymore.
157
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If at least he fought with me, that's life.
158
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But indifference, I can't live with that.
159
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But, Ma, if you and Daddy have problems,
160
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why don't you go see a professional?
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I am.
162
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Fran, you're my daughter and I love you,
163
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but you have no idea what I'm going through.
164
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Ma, I'm sorry, but I cannot and I will not accept this.
165
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Then you and I no longer have anything left to say to each other.
166
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Oh, yes, there is.
167
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That fatless rotisserie was a great gift!
168
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-Well, what happened? -I just broke up with my mother.
169
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You know, I'm very impressed with how you're handling
170
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the fact that your mother decided to show up.
171
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Well, honey, I'm a big enough person to set my differences aside.
172
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Today's day is all about Gracie.
173
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[fanfare playing]
174
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Tell me, messenger, what news bring you from Caesar?
175
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Tell her that she is not going out for Chinese with us after.
176
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Tell her that I would be happy to get it to go.
177
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Would you two be quiet? My son is in this play, too.
178
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Big deal. What is he playing? The camel?
179
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And don't you yell at my daughter.
180
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She's pregnant with my new grandchildren.
181
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Yeah.
182
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Yeah.
183
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Tell her that when her morning sickness kicks in
184
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a little warm seltzer would help.
185
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-Oh, my mother always said... -Tell her!
186
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Warm seltzer helps.
187
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Tell her thank you.
188
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I ask you, messenger, what news bring you from Caesar?
189
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That big kid stinks.
190
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Oh, there's my adorable husband.
191
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You know, honey, I am so glad that you set up your office here at the house.
192
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[Maxwell]Well, she made up with her mother, so now she's gonna nudge the father.
193
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So if I don't get out of here soon, she's gonna ask me to do something.
194
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Ooh, I'll make up a meeting.
195
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...a wonderful husband you are. So, what do you say?
196
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Will you stick around and help me out with Daddy?
197
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Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid I have a meeting.
198
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Oh, uh, you know, they called and canceled that meeting.
199
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Oh. Oh, well, in that case, I'm free as a bird.
200
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She canceled my fake meeting.
201
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I'll get it. I'll get it.
202
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-Hi, Daddy. -Hello, sweetheart.
203
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What's in the bag?
204
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Hey, I'm no idiot.
205
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There's a lot of thieves out there that want these.
206
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Daddy, they don't even want the car.
207
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Come, sit down.
208
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-Hey, you're looking pretty good, kiddo. -Thank you.
209
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So, what's up? You invite Daddy to brunch,
210
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you got something on your mind, huh?
211
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Something bothering you? I can always tell.
212
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Come on, sit on Daddy's lap, and tell me all about it.
213
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-Come on. Tell me all about it. -Daddy. Daddy, Dad, I'm pregnant.
214
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Daddy, Daddy.
215
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:12,466
Well, you know, this weekend
216
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is yours and Mommy's 40th wedding anniversary.
217
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-Yeah. -And I was just thinking
218
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maybe the four of us could go out for dinner and dancing at the Skylight Room.
219
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What would I do there? I wouldn't know what to do in a place like that.
220
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I don't fit in there.
221
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:27,383
Sure you do, Daddy.
222
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You're eating the paper off the muffin.
223
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Plus...
224
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you would make Mommy very happy
225
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and you wouldn't even have to buy her a gift
226
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because you can give her like a real fantasy night.
227
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Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. We don't get into that kinky stuff.
228
00:12:51,466 --> 00:12:54,233
One time we ate cheesecake off each other in bed.
229
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But, that's only because nobody wanted to get up for a napkin.
230
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I'm talking about being debonair, romantic.
231
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Send her flowers. Fawn over her.
232
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Are you crazy? If I sent your mother flowers for no reason,
233
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she'd think I'm fooling around.
234
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Daddy, take the risk.
235
00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:24,830
I think Mommy's feeling just a little bit underappreciated.
236
00:13:24,116 --> 00:13:27,660
Oh, you're talking crazy talk. Your mother's a very happy woman.
237
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She's not, Dad.
238
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Bringing home a case of Heinz vegetarian beans
239
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does not a happy woman make.
240
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Franny, come on. You don't know what you're talking about.
241
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Dad, she was over here. She talked to me.
242
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She's not happy.
243
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Did she mention the beans specifically?
244
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Would you genug with the beans, already?
245
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You're gonna lose her, Pop.
246
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I mean, if you don't smarten up,
247
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you are gonna end up spending the rest of your life without her.
248
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Now, is that what you want?
249
00:13:58,333 --> 00:14:00,400
No, of course not. I mean, we're a team.
250
00:14:00,433 --> 00:14:02,466
Morty and Sylvia. We belong together.
251
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All right. Well, then here's what you're gonna do.
252
00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:07,660
You're gonna go out with us to the restaurant.
253
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We're gonna celebrate your anniversary, and you are gonna romance your wife.
254
00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:13,450
Okay. You got a deal. Just let me know when, that's all.
255
00:14:13,483 --> 00:14:16,316
It's Saturday night.
256
00:14:16,350 --> 00:14:18,400
Saturday? Hey. The Islanders are playing.
257
00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:20,830
[Fran] Daddy!
258
00:14:20,116 --> 00:14:22,183
All right, all right. I'll tape, I'll tape, I'll tape.
259
00:14:25,483 --> 00:14:28,330
-Hello. -Hello.
260
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:29,466
Heard you laid a big egg last night.
261
00:14:36,183 --> 00:14:38,200
[slow music playing]
262
00:14:56,250 --> 00:15:00,433
Oh, this place is so romantic. Isn't it, Daddy?
263
00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:04,200
Huh? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.
264
00:15:04,233 --> 00:15:07,400
Sylvia, how about--? How about I order a skirt steak for two?
265
00:15:09,216 --> 00:15:13,116
Morty, this is a fancy restaurant. They don't have skirt steak.
266
00:15:13,150 --> 00:15:15,830
I'd like a Beef Ellington.
267
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,400
Oh, God, they're talking about skirt steaks.
268
00:15:19,433 --> 00:15:21,830
How embarrassing.
269
00:15:21,116 --> 00:15:23,383
Just order Beef Ellington for the table.
270
00:15:25,233 --> 00:15:28,416
Say, Morty, I bet every man in the place
271
00:15:28,450 --> 00:15:31,133
wishes he could change places with us right now.
272
00:15:31,166 --> 00:15:32,233
Why?
273
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,330
I'm sitting under a vent here. It's blowing on me.
274
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:38,283
Sylvia, you wanna switch?
275
00:15:38,316 --> 00:15:40,250
Daddy!
276
00:15:40,283 --> 00:15:41,466
What? What?
277
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,830
Your mother's got hot flashes. She'd like a breeze.
278
00:15:46,233 --> 00:15:49,000
Besides, I want the most beautiful woman in this restaurant
279
00:15:49,330 --> 00:15:50,500
to be comfortable.
280
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,450
What?
281
00:15:53,150 --> 00:15:54,450
I'm trying to be nice.
282
00:15:54,483 --> 00:15:57,150
Well, cut it out. It's unsettling.
283
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,660
Sylvia, I'm trying to treat you special.
284
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:03,433
-Why now all of a sudden? -Because--
285
00:16:04,466 --> 00:16:06,283
Because she said I should.
286
00:16:09,183 --> 00:16:12,660
Franny, this is no good. This isn't me. I'm not comfortable.
287
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:13,283
I gotta get out of here.
288
00:16:16,166 --> 00:16:19,466
-Did you say something to your father? -No.
289
00:16:20,483 --> 00:16:22,660
He did.
290
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,333
[whistling]
291
00:16:37,416 --> 00:16:40,433
Daddy, Daddy, come out here. I need to talk to you.
292
00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:43,500
Oh, excuse me. Oh, your fly's open, sir.
293
00:16:44,366 --> 00:16:47,660
Daddy, I have to talk to you.
294
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:49,316
Oh, my God.
295
00:16:49,350 --> 00:16:52,133
What are you doing here?
296
00:16:52,166 --> 00:16:53,466
-I was just walking by. -You know each other?
297
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,300
Yes. This is the doctor that Mommy's been seeing
298
00:16:56,333 --> 00:17:00,100
uh, because she's got, you know, that...
299
00:17:00,133 --> 00:17:02,333
-that, she's got-- -Carpal tunnel syndrome.
300
00:17:02,366 --> 00:17:04,450
Carpal tunnel syndrome. Carpal tunnel syndrome.
301
00:17:04,483 --> 00:17:08,266
Daddy, who's been married to my mother for 40 years, this is Dr. Razzo.
302
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:10,500
-How do you do? -What do you say?
303
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:11,316
Hey, look. Look, Franny,
304
00:17:11,350 --> 00:17:14,366
I'm sorry that your mother's upset with me. I really am.
305
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:18,330
Look, I'm just not the kind of guy she needs or wants anymore.
306
00:17:18,660 --> 00:17:20,660
Your mother's at the point of her life, I think...
307
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:22,330
Your mother needs somebody like--
308
00:17:22,660 --> 00:17:23,400
Somebody like a guy like this.
309
00:17:23,433 --> 00:17:26,450
No, she doesn't. She does not.
310
00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:29,433
Dad, don't you love Mommy?
311
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:32,500
Of course I love Sylvia. I'm crazy about her.
312
00:17:32,830 --> 00:17:34,830
So look, I forget things once in awhile.
313
00:17:34,116 --> 00:17:35,466
I forget things like birthdays.
314
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,383
I forget to talk to her during the commercial.
315
00:17:38,416 --> 00:17:41,500
But she's got to know how much I care about her.
316
00:17:41,830 --> 00:17:44,416
Daddy-- And I meant him.
317
00:17:44,450 --> 00:17:47,350
How is she going to know if you don't tell her?
318
00:17:47,383 --> 00:17:50,500
You are gonna lose her, you know?
319
00:17:50,830 --> 00:17:51,400
Some other guy could come along.
320
00:17:51,433 --> 00:17:54,366
You know, I think that you guys have exceeded the amount of time
321
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,100
two men should stay in a men's room.
322
00:17:56,133 --> 00:17:58,116
No, no, no. Let him finish. Go ahead.
323
00:17:58,150 --> 00:18:01,316
Some other guy could come along and tell Sylvia...
324
00:18:06,150 --> 00:18:10,216
all the things she really wants to hear from you.
325
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,216
Come on, Daddy.
326
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,433
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
327
00:18:23,466 --> 00:18:26,300
I know you don't see this right now, but trust me,
328
00:18:26,333 --> 00:18:29,250
someday you'll thank me for this.
329
00:18:42,100 --> 00:18:43,166
Sylvia.
330
00:18:46,283 --> 00:18:48,166
Sylvia, I don't wanna lose you.
331
00:18:51,383 --> 00:18:55,416
I'm sorry if I didn't do or say the things that...
332
00:18:55,450 --> 00:18:59,366
made you feel like you were appreciated. I'm sorry.
333
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:03,116
I don't know where the hell our 40 years have gone.
334
00:19:03,150 --> 00:19:07,133
I look at you and I see a sweet little 16-year-old girl...
335
00:19:08,316 --> 00:19:10,316
behind the candy counter at Woolworths.
336
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,366
You're wearing a pale blue dress.
337
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,000
And you're eating that chocolate-covered cherry
338
00:19:18,330 --> 00:19:19,450
with the juice dripping down your mouth.
339
00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:23,000
It was marzipan.
340
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,333
You remember my blue dress?
341
00:19:27,350 --> 00:19:29,166
I remember a lot of things, Sylvia.
342
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,300
I just don't know why you don't know how I feel.
343
00:19:34,333 --> 00:19:37,233
I'll tell you now, Sylvia. I--
344
00:19:38,433 --> 00:19:40,450
Oh, God, I love you.
345
00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:48,150
Morty, I love you too. I just--
346
00:19:49,216 --> 00:19:52,000
I just don't feel special anymore.
347
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,160
Our life is like...
348
00:19:58,150 --> 00:20:01,500
There are no surprises anymore.
349
00:20:04,433 --> 00:20:06,116
No surprises, huh?
350
00:20:07,450 --> 00:20:09,660
You want a surprise?
351
00:20:10,450 --> 00:20:12,283
I'll give you a surprise.
352
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:17,416
♪ The very thought of you ♪
353
00:20:19,133 --> 00:20:21,400
♪ And I forget to do ♪
354
00:20:21,433 --> 00:20:23,450
♪ The little ordinary things ♪
355
00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:27,330
♪ That everyone ought to do ♪
356
00:20:28,283 --> 00:20:33,500
♪ I see your face In every flower ♪
357
00:20:33,830 --> 00:20:36,450
♪ Your eyes in stars above ♪
358
00:20:38,333 --> 00:20:41,183
♪ It's just The thought of you ♪
359
00:20:42,266 --> 00:20:44,350
♪ The very thought of you ♪
360
00:20:45,483 --> 00:20:50,200
♪ My love ♪
361
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:01,250
Well, I don't think you have to worry about your mother
362
00:21:01,283 --> 00:21:03,150
leaving your father anymore.
363
00:21:05,333 --> 00:21:07,160
What?
364
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:09,330
Why don't you ever sing to me?
365
00:21:11,233 --> 00:21:13,250
[slow music playing]
366
00:21:38,216 --> 00:21:39,416
[groans]
367
00:21:44,233 --> 00:21:48,266
You got a lousy review in a grammar school news flyer.
368
00:21:49,133 --> 00:21:50,316
Get over it.
369
00:21:53,333 --> 00:21:56,150
Do you think my British accent sounds fake?
370
00:21:59,466 --> 00:22:01,483
[theme music playing]
371
00:22:16,483 --> 00:22:19,000
[theme music ends]
28527
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